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Serious Depression

ACNT

formerly Aconit
hey, i figured i could do another update because my mental health has been driving the way i act lately. i wanted a spot to kinda just infodump.
so, it's been a pretty eventful few months. my mental health has been.. steadily declining, and following a suicide attempt a few weeks ago i've been at my absolute lowest. struggling to reach out to friends, my doctor, my family... i felt i would rot away and no one would remember if i tried again. this still rings true. i don't have much stopping me besides the promise of better days. but... i saw my doctor again on wednesday. my dad kinda made me go, and he's getting me on therapy. i'm nervous because i had pretty bad experiences with it beforehand, but it wasn't really an option. my highs are so high and my lows are so low, i hate it. i hate this insecurity in how i might feel on any given day. i want things to get better but there's so many factors contributing to it- things i can't fix. i turn 18 next month. i haven't accomplished anything in my teenage years. i'm growing so fast; and i just want to turn time back and do it differently.
Hi bro, you're really young, you'll likely know better days. First of all, it's very likely that your loved ones care about you, in fact if they didn't care about you, they would ignore you and wouldn't particularly want you to look after yourself, to go to the doctor. And honestly, accomplishing your teenage years isn't really a concept that makes sense to me. There is nothing to accomplish, you don't need to have a checklist and you have plenty of time to do it most of the times. You put too much pressure on yourself, or others put too much pressure on you.
Otherwise I'm the moody / chaotic type too, I know how annoying it is.

In my experience, dark thoughts increase when you're running on empty, and it's a vicious circle because it's harder to concentrate, and some activities that require high concentration are more difficult. I'm not going to advise you to get involved in art as you obviously already are, according to your badge. But it's important to be able to cope with the dark periods: have you tried a more "manual" activity? I'm thinking of cooking, crafts, for example? Keeping your body busy can sometimes distract your mind from negative thoughts as you are concentrating on a task that doesn't require as much intellectualization as art. Meditation can also help.

Oh and also, never regret what happens, even if it goes wrong. I also regretted a lot of things when I was about your age, and it's only 3 or 4 years later that I understood that it was useless. Sometimes you want to do the right thing, or do it differently, but you just don't have the experience to make it right. It's done, full stop. And you're allowed to screw things up when you're young. I think we forgive ourselves better with hindsight.
And continue with the therapy of course, it may be useless with this particular doctor but at least it will give you useful information to draw on, and then you never know, it may work.

Anyway, life doesn't mean much sometimes. You can be happy for a long time and one day an event destroys all your equilibrium in one go, just as you can be unhappy all your life and have luck on your side at one point, and everything changes. Just because you've been sad for a while doesn't mean you're doomed, far from it. Chance often balances things out in the end.

I try to suggest practical ideas, I'm notoriously bad at moral support, sorry if that's not what you're looking for. I hope it gets better anyway! :)
 
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Roy

streetpkmn
is a Site Content Manager Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Top Contributor Alumnus
Wanted to drop in and say you’re not alone, things WILL get better, and to remind yourself you are good enough because you’re YOU. Even if you find that cheesy, it’s 100% true.

I would recommend to everyone in this thread to get counseling if possible. It will be free in most cases if you are on your parents insurance or your own.

I also recommend getting a psychiatrist. Again, insurance will cover many of them.

I would still be depressed if it wasn’t for both of those. Please do yourself a favor and take that first step.

If you have any specific questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. I would prefer you to post in the thread linked below so other people can see since I guarantee someone will have the same question or otherwise gain something out of the Q&A, but if it’s too personal, please DM me.

https://www.smogon.com/forums/threads/giving-back-ama.3691331/#post-8985684
 
The gosh awful thing in my head is acting up again. Why can't it just fucking die? I never signed up for it.

You want me vent about it? Probably won't happen anytime soon. It's extremely private and would ruin me if I where to make it public. (Most people wouldn't think it's bad or abnormal though.) I need to do something about it, though...
 
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Good morning lovely people, I'm back again.

About a month ago, I wrote about my struggles with weight loss. Many people left kind words, for which I am extremely grateful. Since then, I have actually lost about ten pounds, which is good! But that's about where the good ends.

A new semester started, and my academic situation is pretty dire. I won't go into specifics, but due to my mental health failing over quarantine, my GPA is basically beyond repair and I'm in danger of losing scholarships that I really need. Despite seeking out therapy previously and having been prescribed antidepressants, life isn't all better now. A lot of days it's a challenge still even just to get out of bed.

Despite starting to lose weight, I continue to struggle with food. Eating makes me feel sick a lot of the time. Even though my scale tells me I'm losing weight, I don't look or feel any different. I haven't been to the gym yet, a lot of the reason for which is anxiety about being judged because I know I'm in terrible shape.

My anxiety in general has gotten worse too since quarantine. Last semester, I stayed on campus, but I was by myself in a dorm. There were very few people on campus then, so when I did leave my room, which was pretty much only to get food, I barely saw anyone. For three months, I basically only spoke to dining hall workers and my family, and the latter not very often. This semester, I'm on campus again but this time I'm in an apartment with three other girls, two of whom I know and one I do not. One of my (few) irl friends is a huge extrovert who keeps taking me to do stuff, and while I appreciate her trying to get me out of my room, I don't handle events with a lot of people so well after a year and a half in relative isolation.

All of this came to a head last night. It started over the stupidest thing. Pasta. I was reading the nutrition information on a box of pasta and trying to figure out if it was worth it to make it calories-wise and if I even had the time to make it because I had two assignments and a quiz still due last night. I wasn't hungry but I knew I should eat because I'd only eaten a small lunch, but I also didn't want to eat because of the whole losing weight thing. I spent like fifteen minutes on this box of pasta that I never did make. It was kind of pathetic. But I started getting really stressed about the assignments I had due too, and knowing I was stupid for not having done them earlier when I know that I need to do well this semester so they won't suspend my financial aid. And one thing led to another into a full on breakdown. And then, after more than a year of being clean, I started cutting. And he worst part was how fucking good it felt when I did it. Of course, I was horrified when I woke up this morning and felt like shit. All of that progress, gone in minutes.

I'm just...lost. I don't know where to go from here. All of the positive progress I'd made in the past year or so is in tatters and I just feel worse. I guess the reason I'm writing to you guys here is because I don't want to bother or worry people, especially those close to me, but still need to get it out, so I feel like screaming into the void like this is the best way.

Thanks if you read all that. Love you all, stay strong <3
Congratulations on the weight loss! The body-image issues you're feeling are extremely common in individuals that lose/gain weight and can take a long time to go away. Many times they come alongside eating disorders, which based on your post sounds like you may have some form of. Like most types of mental health issues, therapy can be very helpful here. I was very obese as a teenager and lost a full-sized adult in weight in 2 years right before I started college. I certainly felt better after the weight loss and knew I wasn't the size I used to be, but I still felt fat and didn't know a life where I wasn't obese. I struggled to eat in front of people, particularly those I didn't know, and it caused me to develop different forms of unhealthy eating habits. Fortunately, I sought help with therapy and found methods to help me put my situation into perspective instead of hyperfocusing on things like my BMI.

It's been over 10 years since I lost that weight and I wish I could tell you everything is fine and that I no longer have these thoughts anymore, but I'd be lying. The last 18 months have been taxing and I put on some weight for the first time since I was 18. While the amount of weight I put on pales in comparison to what many people would classify as significant, my past experiences have caused my brain to look at this more negatively. In many ways I feel like I have failed myself and the promises I made myself. I'm now back to worrying about how others perceive me, having anxiety in social situations that I'd normally be fine in, etc. Those that I have shared this with tell me everything that I already know, with the most common response being that I'm being too hard on myself and need to consider the outside pressures I had/have pushing on me to cause this. Eating, as you probably know, is comforting and a form of stress relief for many. Very few people get to the size they are without some larger issue that needs dealt with. Anyway, my point in sharing this with you is not to tell you that help is impossible and that you'll always feel this way, but that it can be a long journey. If you hit your goal weight tomorrow, I could promise you that you'd still have many of these same feelings. Just know that you're not alone in feeling the way you are. I am still looking for a therapist but in the talks I have been able to have with mental health professionals over the last year, I have been told the two biggest things they're hearing about are body-image issues and social anxiety, which when you consider the current state of the world, is very unsurprising. I'm not telling you to blame the world for all of stresses, but perhaps we could both give ourselves a little bit of wiggle room and forgiveness of the situation we've found ourselves in.
 

eden

is a Tutoris a Forum Moderatoris a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Past SPL Champion
Moderator
yo you have gotta get some space between yourself and playing lol, how you are as a player/how you play has 0 to do w irl, it's a game we play to relax, try and approach it that way

it's wrong of those dudes to harass you, but if the game itself feels horrible to play either cause of the community/you don't feel super into it, that's fine; it's not a job, and truth be told there are way better games out there to spend your time on: competitive or otherwise

never let losses/shit talk from insecure randoms online drive you into something you can't take back: hop offline and play something else/do something else for a while, if the game/the unnecessarily confrontational community etc make it unpalatable, don't force yourself to play

i randomly saw this but, stay well; feels shitty to know there are dudes who got nothing to do other than harass people online over an ages 3+ game of all things
 

Katy

Banned deucer.
To make matters worse, I'm still constantly spammed by f2. They tagged me in so much garbage and spam and when I asked them why they told me they liked spamming me and shitposting on my wall. They told me that they are never gonna stop and they would continue doing that to me as long as I'm around on ps/smogon. So basically I'm stuck with someone whos gonna shit talk and stalk me the rest of my smogon/ps life.

I just wanted to make this post to get this stuff off my chest. It really hurts when you think you're friends with someone. You trust them and talk teams with them but they end up being a snake and backstabbing you as they leak your dms together and tell people your private account info. I'm not in any position of suicide anymore. I honestly feel really good about life and have found real friends I can talk in the ps/smogon community I can talk to. It just really sucks thinking you had a real friend but deep down they fucking hate you and hope that you disappeared.

I know this post is long af so he's a tldr

TLDR: Thought someone was a good friend but they ended up being a snake and lied to me while leaking our discord dms which contained private info and team building info. They gave out my smogon name to someone who was already spamming me on PS. They were constantly harassing and spamming me on ps/smogon and when I told them to leave me alone they told me they wouldn't and they would continue to spam/shitpost/shittalk me in the future. They almost drove me to suicide but luckily for me I have good friends irl who supported and saved me.
Oh wow, this is just sooooo shit to do what these people are doing, I am really sorry to read that. THIS definitely should not be tolerated on this site and I am pretty pretty sure that Aeonic will do everything to make you feel safe here again. This community should stick together instead of drifting apart into circlejerks or people whos aim is just to harass, backstabb, and snake people. It happens too much nowadays that backstabbing is sadly a hobby in life for a plethora of people same with harassments and other stuff like that. And I know how hard it is to maintain self-worth, self-esteem, confidence during such courses, especially if no recognition is being made towards your effort. I am sure you try your best and hardest to fit in and to improve but lemme tell you something, even the best the top of the top players didn't start as trophy or ribbon winners. Even they had their fair share of losses, but alot of people forgot that this was the case for a more than only two handful of top players. No one here started as a pro, expert, superb player, everyone here had their time to improve and alongside that with failing on that path, Failures per say aren't bad, everyone does, everyone can improve on them but a lot of people just don't understand that. Being harassed over that is just not alright and you should try to not let your self-worth define over such human beings and individuals here. They MAY BE better at playing but their personality is way worse, IF they even have a personality so to speak (I highly doubt when I read that). And to be very very honest a personality, good character always counts first like there is one thing which a person can't buy from tour records or plenty of likes and this is a personality. A personality is, what not everyone can proudly define themselves of. So stay strong headed, I know it's harder to do than it is said, but you can proudly say that you have something, which these people don't have and probably won't ever get! Just stay strong, with your head ahigh! You are more worth than these people. Don't let you drag down by them. Keep your passion. <3

PS: On another sidenote, if your aim is to get better, smogon has a tutor section the B101, where experienced contributors and players help you on your path and way to get to be a better builder / battler, maybe that is something to consider? Just an idea :)
 
I've been a long time lurker in this thread, only posting competitive content for the longest of times for an obscure cartridge tier. I've gradually transitioned to interacting on other parts of Smogon and reading these stories above makes me want to share my experiences in the hope that others can find comfort in the fact that they are not alone and there are things you can do. There will be a lot left unsaid for a variety of reasons. I'll spoiler the stuff about myself as it's just there to give context.

My story with Depression starts just under 20 years ago at the offset of adolescence. I've always known I was a little bit strange, I've had a multitude issues from birth that have affected me developmentally. To give an example of one, I was born unable to hear and therefore never learned how to speak the way that babies normally do through imitating the sounds around them. It was because of this that Doctors suspected that I would never be able to Read or Write. As you are reading this, I suspect that you have already guessed that this turned out to be untrue. Eventually thanks to the wonders of modern healthcare I was able to regain my hearing. That being said, it did take several years longer than usual to learn to read (I was several years behind most people) and I still to this day can barely do written handwriting and have a stutter. I played catch up for a large part of my schooling life. This probably would have been fine on its own, but my brain also has some problems with it. I suspect those who have interacted with me for long enough might have realised this. I do not like to self diagnose such things and have never gone to get an official diagnosis for a multitude of reasons so I will leave it at that. At age 8-10, this was fine, I knew I was a bit different but for the most part I just enjoyed life. I liked Pokemon Red and Blue, I'd collect the cards, I caught them all, well all the ones that didn't require me to have to trade with other people.

I went to Highschool and that is where everything changed. My family moved from the UK to Japan, the first of many a move in my teenage years. Japan is a wonderful country where I learned many things including Japanese, however 11 year old me took this badly. I explained above how I was a bit of a weird kid, but I did actually have one friend from my primary school in the UK. He didn't have Pokemon so I couldn't catch them all, but we would play Populous the Beginning, Runescape and shitty Miniclip/Newgrounds games on the PC, stuff on the Playstation together and watch anime that I downloaded using LimeWire. When I left, we didn't reconnect again until I was 24 and ended up living together but that's a story for a different time. From the Age of 11, it took me another 7 years to get another person even resembling a friend in real life which I managed for my last year of Highschool at the 7th School I'd been to.

I was reading the manga for Shakugan no Shana around the time of me starting school in Japan which had recently come out where these crimson beings would murder people and leave behind only slivers of the person's soul which would eventually fade away so that person would forever be forgotten by the living. At first I did try making friends, but I was pretty easy to give up and when it wasn't working out I stopped trying. I used to pretend to be one of these ghosts at school and see how long I could go without having to say anything or interact with anyone as I used to think I was slowly fading out of existence. I probably spoke less than 200 words the entire year. I hated my real life, I didn't like this unknown environment I was in and I saw it as this boss battle that I would have to fight every day except the next day I'd have to fight the same battle but with lowered Max HP forever. Even to this day, I have to take over six months off if I wanted to switch my job just because I am that resistant to new things. I prepare for these eventualities now, but younger me went in blind. My only solace was games, manga and anime. I particularly enjoyed this one online game I played, it was one of the more popular games at the time and its main benefit was that it was something that you could pour in every second of your day into. I'm not going to mention the specific game merely because I don't want people looking up how dumb I was as a 14 year old.

I was crap at this game, but since I didn't want to interact with real life, I started to play this game more and learn and I got better and better. I started becoming one of the best, to the point where I'd actually get small amounts of money (nothing one could live off mind). What I actually got addicted to was not the game itself although I lived, breathed and dreamt of hypothetical situations in the game. Even though I taught myself how to read and write properly, how to code and wrote close to a hundred pages dissecting it at a theoretical level as a 15 year old just for a game, what I was actually addicted to was the way people looked and interacted with me through the computer screen just because I was good at this game that I never got from real life for a multitude of reasons and still have never had to this day. I used to play a persona on a forum not that dissimilar to Smogon that was not me but a different, more confident, more charismatic version of myself, whatever teenage me thought was cool at the time that I would later grow to hate. The more my stock went up in the virtual world, the more I resented the way I was in the real world, the way I looked, the way I sounded, how I couldn't think of anything to say or have anything to contribute to anything, that I couldn't achieve anything by just being me and I had to put on a mask and manipulate others into giving me the time of day and that it actually worked even to the point that it was how I lost my virginity.

It did save my life, but it also eventually ended up ruining it. I left my real life and went into this life so hard that I would spend 20 hours a day and often not sleep just playing one game and I would end up dropping out of School and Life. I spent nearly a year as a Hikikomori living off various savings until I ended up with no money whatsoever and no home. I do not want to mention what my plan was after I ran out of money. I continued to play as I slowly got myself back on my feet in my 20s. As with all games, they have a lifecycle. When Pay to Win features were introduced, all my work over 10+ years in terms of skill, dedication and game knowledge was made irrelevant under the storm of people willing to spend $10,000s just to say they won. So I quit. I have never had that feeling that I got from playing that game ever since and it still bothers me to this day sometimes that I have to live with the person I spent so long trying to escape. It was actually around this time that I joined Smogon, I know that I will never be good at Competitive Pokemon and that's Okay, I cannot risk the obsession I had just to be the best and get that cheap high and I've been pretty strict about not getting too involved and trying to just have fun. I've had other issues, such as one with drinking heavy amounts of Alcohol that resulted from me quitting and losing my purpose but I've mostly gotten over it. I could go through specific things that happened, but I slowly worked on myself for several years until this day where despite everything and really fixing nothing, I feel a lot better.

I can't say that I can relate to other people's issues, there are a lot of things that I haven't mentioned here, those to do with sexual assault as a minor and some of my trust issues merely because they are ancillary issues at least for me personally but for a lot of my life I have spent it so alone and continue to to this day so the relationship stuff in particular I can't really relate it to something I've experienced at all. I just want people to know they aren't alone in how they are feeling.

It took me being rock bottom to actually start turning things around. I think some of my problems stemmed from the fact that I would look at other people and compare where I was at and ask myself why couldn't I be like that? The fact is, everyone is on their own individual journey. I like to compare it to the epic journey in The Lord of the Rings, one of my favourite series. In LOTR, the Fellowship is composed of many amazing individuals that begin their epic quest together at the same time to Destroy the One Ring. Frodo, Samwise, Merry and Pippin are not the Tallest, Wisest, Strongest, the most Eloquent or the most Handsome. They are Hobbits after all that have never been out of the Shire and are more used to multiple afternoon teas than adventure. Yet they all the same go on their heroic journey all the same that is no less insignificant than that taken by any of the others.

At some point in my mid 20s I realised that I'm a loser, I have no friends, I have some serious trust issues, I probably have some brain issues, I have a stammer, I've never been in a proper long term relationship, I'm working some shit minimum wage dead end job, have no purpose or energy in my life and actually that is OK. I'm fine with that. I'll be that person over trying to be something I'm not, than struggling to run away or hate things that are out of my control either permanently or at least for this moment. Ever since that realisation that took me years to come to, I've been a lot better. Of course there are bad days, these things never really go away but I found that instead of a huge weight crushing down on me I could work on the little things that I felt were achievable over a series of years. To try fix everything, you shouldn't do that it's impossible it will just paralyze you. For me, I reconnected with an old friend and we ended up sharing a flat, I am soon to be working in a job that actually pays somewhat well. There is still a lot to do, there will always be doubts, but that's the point of an epic journey is it not :3
 
Hello,

I never planned on writing tihs, but at the moment i have nowhere else to go. I also plan on keeping this short.

My mother has been abusive my entire life. Always attacking people the first chance she got. I've been beaten. I've been verbally and mentally and emotionally abused. I've been abandoned in a major city, sent to a mental hospital for a suicide attempt, been kicked out of my own home, been endangered more than once. I've been depressed since middle school because of it. My father takes her side except when the abuse goes his way, as does my brother. I have no one irl to help me, because no one has ever cared and no one ever will. No one else in my family loved me either - my grandparents were either sick/absent/had their own agendas, and both of my uncles chos eto be absent from my life.

My history with this website doesn't help. I messed around a lot and got a bad name for a while, and 2 name changes and multiple conduct improvements later nothing really changed about that so I quit. I had a few friends on this website but we fell out and wihle I won't name names, I will say that I still think about it to this day - what I could have done differently, which I ultimately realize was nothing because I was so goddamn broken back then I couldn't do shit.

I'm stuck at a bad university rn. It doesn't align with my goals, and I need to transfer out. I doubt my ability to do this, but I see that as the only hope towards a better tomorrow. My goal is to go to a good university, and then get an OOS job and never see my mother again.

I can say that my life has improved a lot since I quit this website. My relationship with my mother is still somewhat better than i twas at rock bottom, I turned m school performance around from borderline dropout to actually somewhat decent, and I feel hopeflu for the future.

I'm here because my parents fought today, and i can't handle it. My mother hates me. It's without a doubt that this is the case. She has gone through abuse hserlf in her life, and it left her too broken to love a child. So she just... doesn't.

I'm sorry for burdening you guys with this. I'm a stranger, and I acknowledge that. I just hope someone hears this.
 
At first I thought it was all bullshit. People getting better and stuff. I'd laugh ironically and say "this is crap, I just want this all to end". But now I think I'm feeling better. Therapy has helped me a lot. Crossfit and gym too. And gaming (thank you Celeste, Hollow Knight, Undertale, Pokémon, Digimon, Smash, etc.). And music. And my family and friends. After struggling for a long while, I think I'm feeling a tad better. I think I remember how it feels to be happy again. I love you all so much, my friends (specially the ones from the NU room*. I'd tag you all here but idk, I'm kinda embarassed lol. not in a bad way, in a funny way. the way that makes you wanna smile), thank you for helping me through tough times. I'm still battling against depression, but I finally feel like I'm winning.

*ps: i think you're gonna see this katy, so thank you so much for being my friend. you've saved me many times. i love you very much. :)

i wanna cry but this time it's happy crying xD
 

Aqua Jet

Fly Away
is a Pre-Contributor
When I was little I never really thought depression would be something that would affect me since I was quite the happy child without a care in the world. However, that most changed when my mother and grandmother (both of whom I was close with) died in January 2016 and March 2017, respectively. Despite being young, I was diagnosed with depression shortly after. I've been living with it for a while now but began having a series of mental breakdowns during the end of the 2019-2020 school year, as well as all throughout the 2020-2021 and the beginning of the 2021-2022 school year. I think this is because I naturally put a lot of pressure on myself to do well and succeed easily. My medication wears off around 5:00pm, at which point I am unable to focus very much. This makes studying a challenge. However, as I'm sure many of you know, in order to get and maintain a 90 average you usually have to study for much longer than up until 5:00pm. In the past, this has never been an issue since my teachers never stacked homework and I understood concepts very quickly. Since the beginning of 2021 its gotten a lot worse though. I've attempted suicide at least 6 times, and have recently taken to cutting myself, as well as having mental breakdowns every other day. Anyway that's my story up until now, I'll probably give an update if something changes.
 
Does anybody here have OCD? my mental state has been in shambles since June because of intrusive thoughts, and after doing research in 90% sure I might have OCD considering how much it lines up with not only my current issues, but stuff that happened in the past, even as recent as a few weeks before these major intrusive thoughts began
 
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Don’t you ever feel you just so overwhelmed that’s how I feeling now. After this year starting off things changed. After finally move forward after my dads death last year I had some peace in the beginning of this year. Then a few months ago I tore my Achilles’ tendon after playing basketball a favorite hobby of mine (besides mons and working out) made me feel I had the worst luck ever…I was out of work for two months due to this injury cost me so much money and hurt me financially. Although better I’m still not yet 100. But now my mom is having an episode again (she has schizoaffective disorder) and she doesn’t wanna take her meds. This is really the icing on the cake im just so tired it’s like a never ending cycle. I plead with my mom to take her meds and she becomes hostile. It’s affecting me mentally to the point where I feel the only way to get away is to cut her off or take my life. I already feel worthless. My girlfriend is the only thing making me happy. Yesterday we celebate her birthday but I couldn’t be 100 percent happy because I worry about my mom. Ik just so depressed I don’t find much excitement in life anymore.I try to be happy and make others smile but deep down I’m not ok either. It’s hard to remain strong sometimes. It’s been such a long time since I actually had a peace of mind. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. From when I was young…from my father not being around due to excessive alcohol addiction , to homelessness, to my mothers mental illness it’s like I can’t never catch a fucking break.
 

Katy

Banned deucer.
Does anybody here have OCD?
Hello,

i have a OCD; It's called compulsive cleaning disorder, which means, that I am always doing wayyyy more than I actually should do when I clean up my apartment. It's coupled with a fear / phobia to bacterias and other infectious things, which makes that even worse.

It makes me clean up my apartment a lot + I desinfect it always multiple times, before I clean it up and also after I'm done with cleaning I desinfect it again, multiple times. Coupled with the bacteria phobia, I cannot go out like a usual person can. I cannot touch objects without me having basically multiple layers of desinfecting towls as a protection to bacterias.

I also clean up and wash my hands a lot of times, probably more than others do. Like very excessive and very long.

I seek psychotherapy because of this and it calmed a bit down recently, and I hope it will stay that way. The best thing you can do is try to get a specialist / good therapist in this case to get a proper diagnosis and proper treatment, as OCD can be very hard to control otherwise.

And ye OCD can lead to a lot of things, it goes wayyyy beyond that, it can make the general life very difficult that it can lead to depressions, anxiety, and other symptoms.
 
Hello,

i have a OCD; It's called compulsive cleaning disorder, which means, that I am always doing wayyyy more than I actually should do when I clean up my apartment. It's coupled with a fear / phobia to bacterias and other infectious things, which makes that even worse.

It makes me clean up my apartment a lot + I desinfect it always multiple times, before I clean it up and also after I'm done with cleaning I desinfect it again, multiple times. Coupled with the bacteria phobia, I cannot go out like a usual person can. I cannot touch objects without me having basically multiple layers of desinfecting towls as a protection to bacterias.

I also clean up and wash my hands a lot of times, probably more than others do. Like very excessive and very long.

I seek psychotherapy because of this and it calmed a bit down recently, and I hope it will stay that way. The best thing you can do is try to get a specialist / good therapist in this case to get a proper diagnosis and proper treatment, as OCD can be very hard to control otherwise.

And ye OCD can lead to a lot of things, it goes wayyyy beyond that, it can make the general life very difficult that it can lead to depressions, anxiety, and other symptoms.
Well I definitely have depression and anxiety

I don't know if I have a specific obsession. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about things as small as me not being able to visualize things perfectly, sometimes it's about major things like my sexuality and my most recent thoughts. I suppose my compulsion would be me trying to "fix" the obsession. Get rid of the intrusive thoughts, which eventually becomes an obsession in of itself. Other compulsions are just doing anything to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts, which can become detrimental because it's the only thing I want to do, which impacts my socialization, school, and other stuff. If I'm gonna be honest that might be the main reason I got so big into Pokemon. It served as a major distraction to me just because there's a lot of stuff to do relating to it. Play the games, collect cards, watch the Anime, come up with new Pokemon ideas, play competitively, etc. It's hard for me to run out of stuff to do compared to other distractions

My mom has OCD, but I still don't think she'd let me get tested. I asked if I could get tested for ADHD (something else I think I may have) and it took me telling her that my friend and barber for her to consider bringing it up with my doctor on our next visit (I'm a cancer survivor so I have to get checked up every now and then). I'm just gonna wait until I'm 18 and go see a psychologist myself, if I have the money that is (thanks America)
 
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Katy

Banned deucer.
Well I definitely have depression and anxiety

I don't know if I have a specific obsession. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about things as small as me not being able to visualize things perfectly, sometimes it's about major things like my sexuality and my most recent thoughts. I suppose my compulsion would be me trying to "fix" the obsession. Get rid of the intrusive thoughts, which eventually becomes an obsession in of itself. Other compulsions are just doing anything to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts, which can become detrimental because it's the only thing I want to do, which impacts my socialization, school, and other stuff. If I'm gonna be honest that might be the main reason I got so big into Pokemon. It served as a major distraction to me just because there's a lot of stuff to do relating to it. Play the games, collect cards, watch the Anime, come up with new Pokemon ideas, play competitively, etc. It's hard for me to run out of stuff to do compared to other distractions

My mom has OCD, but I still don't think she'd let me get tested. I asked if I could get tested for ADHD (something else I think I may have) and it took me telling her that my friend and barber for her to consider bringing it up with my doctor on our next visit (I'm a cancer survivor so I have to get checked up every now and then). I'm just gonna wait until I'm 18 and go see a psychologist myself, if I have the money that is (thanks America)

I hope you get the chance soon to let yourself get treated or diagnosed. It's very important to know what else you have besides the OCD, because that is very vital for coming up with a plan to treat that in a therapy, I really really hope your mom lets you get tested about all these things, especially as a cancer survivor she should in my opinion get everything going to make your life even better, as you have been going through enough in your life already.

And I can understand you having the heavy thoughts of distracting yourself with anything you can, I would be like that too, if Im being honest, since dstractions in such cases are always the best way to basically cope with the situation. I for myself distract me alot with youtube videos, documentaries, and things like that. I hope that you feel better soon, despite the healthcare system in america sucks, but I do really hope you will find someone who can help you, and your mom will help you in this case. She should not be that stubborn, she should be helpful and supportive and I can understand If you are sad about this situation.

But stay strong, there is always a light on the horizon and if you want, my PMs are always open for a vent and such! :heart:
 
Hey everyone

Its currently 2am and theres a lot going on

So its been a while since I last posted in this thread (which is a good thing ahahaha) and the main reason for that has been my boyfriend. Hes been the rock getting me through my depression these past few months and I love him so much. Me and him have been planning to move in together in December when both our leases expire.
But today he got an email from a study abroad program he got waitlisted for a while ago. We both just assumed he wasnt getting in, but someone dropped out and he was taken off the waitlist and offered a spot. Its 4 months. He leaves in January. And I am not ready for this.
Im happy for him. I really am, Im so proud of him, hes going to europe and hes going to be so good but at the same time theres just a profound sadness in me at the fact that not only are we not moving in together, but that I wont see him for 4 months. He wont be here to calm me down when Im having an episode. He wont be here to wake up next to me and tell me he loves me. And ofc no sex for four months.
I feel horrible for feeling like this because I feel like Im being sad for his success, that I only wanted to hold him down or something. I feel terrible and obviously I would never tell him I feel this way but I cant help it. The thought of him not being here for four months is crushing to me. And then its long distance. Yeah, its just 4 months, but long distance is fucking hard. Plus we wont be in the same timezone, idk how much we'll talk and theres just. So much. And I want it to go away. I just want to take the week off and cry about it but I have a midterm tomorrow and we're having drinks on friday and I just. Dont know how to cope with my support system just vanishing in January.
Love you all. Hope everyones doing well.
 
Hey,

I am pretty sure the time will fly by, 4 months sound very long and difficult, especially when there is a huge timezone difference, but in the meantime you can try and distract yourself with like watching an (anime) series, playing some games on your pc, or just doing some sports or excercises. There are alot of hobbies or things you can do to make a bridge between these 4 months your boyfriend is not around.

I am pretty sure, when you're able to find something, which gives you joy, the tiem will be much shorter than initially expected. And there are alot of things you can do, you can also watch alot of funny youtube videos. There are more than enough I'm pretty certain.

I hope everything goes well for you and you will find something which can help you through these 4 months. Just try and think of it like it is not that long, try to turn the tables around, from the negative to positive, say to yourself 'Oh it is JUST 4 months, we will see each other very soon again' and I'm very sure, that this will help you as well.

Just try to see the positive, like what can you do when you're back together, what things you can spend your time on together, also the winter time is over by then and spring is waiting for you two, with new flowers and tress growing, which can make for such great times outside to spend. Try and see into that future, I know it is easier said than done, but try to turn it into the positive with many things to do when he is back again from his studying! ^.^

Hope that helps you a bit and you will find something really cool to do in the meantime.

PS: you can also have discord calls together and have some minutes for yourself I'm pretty sure. Maybe this also helps you a bit? Just try to find some room for yourselves. pretty sure it will work out. I wish you only the best :blobthumbsup:

Thank you so much you have no idea how much reading this helped
 

Roy

streetpkmn
is a Site Content Manager Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Top Contributor Alumnus
Wanted to throw this out there to the group:

Randomly met some people outside and chatted for awhile around a fire (group of 6 college kids), was a little drunk and abusing stimulants, and essentially they asked me to leave after talking for awhile. I was being very over the top (shocker I know). After a while it was clear they wanted me gone.

Pretty embarrassing to stand up in front of a group of people with people laughing, telling me to fuck off. I have been very lucky to not have been bullied much growing up, but I definitely get it now.

1st thing I did was try to rationalize that the drugs were mostly the reason they didn’t like me. And then said nah they’re just immature and dumb. Clearly had nothing to do with me.

You know what? It doesn’t fucking matter.

Neither party was “wrong.”

Neither party was “right.”

As obvious as it is, it absolutely needs to be reiterated - other’s opinions don’t define you. Ironically, a well-liked user told me that 2 hours earlier. But it’s so hard for it to stick, and as much as I can give that advice, I struggle so much to take.

Coupled with some mental illness/drug stuff going on right now, it just sucks. To literally have a decade+ of thousands of hours of counseling and thinking about it, but still being unable to use it even in the dumbest of situations as tonight. Like Jesus, some people you met tonight didn’t like you. Why does that matter?

It’s tough. And as easy as it is for me to be vulnerable with all my previous struggles and what I’ve learned and how I’ve improved it, to sometimes fall back to square one, quite honestly, is embarrassing.

And as much as I “know the answer” and can write a soliloquy on a Pokémon battling website about it, the OCD thoughts and everything else takes over.

I’m not even sure what the goal of this post was, I just feel all over the place. I’m sure I wanted some validation. I’m sure I’m looking for empathy.

Honestly. I’m tired of having these fucking thoughts.
Just can’t turn to addictive demons right now. Will have to answer some tough questions on if I can be prescribed stimulants without abusing them (I am legit ADHD)

Not sure how to end this, other than I appreciate you taking the time to read it
 
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Wanted to throw this out there to the group:

Randomly met some people outside and chatted for awhile around a fire (group of 6 college kids), was a little drunk and abusing stimulants, and essentially they asked me to leave after talking for awhile. I was being very over the top (shocker I know). After a while it was clear they wanted me gone.

Pretty embarrassing to stand up in front of a group of people with people laughing, telling me to fuck off. I have been very lucky to not have been bullied much growing up, but I definitely get it now.

1st thing I did was try to rationalize that the drugs were mostly the reason they didn’t like me. And then said nah they’re just immature and dumb. Clearly had nothing to do with me.

You know what? It doesn’t fucking matter.

Neither party was “wrong.”

Neither party was “right.”

As obvious as it is, it absolutely needs to be reiterated - other’s opinions don’t define you. Ironically, a well-liked user told me that 2 hours earlier. But it’s so hard for it to stick, and as much as I can give that advice, I struggle so much to take.

Coupled with some mental illness/drug stuff going on right now, it just sucks. To literally have a decade+ of thousands of hours of counseling and thinking about it, but still being unable to use it even in the dumbest of situations as tonight. Like Jesus, some people you met tonight didn’t like you. Why does that matter?

It’s tough. And as easy as it is for me to be vulnerable with all my previous struggles and what I’ve learned and how I’ve improved it, to sometimes fall back to square one, quite honestly, is embarrassing.

And as much as I “know the answer” and can write a soliloquy on a Pokémon battling website about it, the OCD thoughts and everything else takes over.

I’m not even sure what the goal of this post was, I just feel all over the place. I’m sure I wanted some validation. I’m sure I’m looking for empathy.

Honestly. I’m tired of having these fucking thoughts.
Just can’t turn to addictive demons right now. Will have to answer some tough questions on if I can be prescribed stimulants without abusing them (I am legit ADHD)

Not sure how to end this, other than I appreciate you taking the time to read it
I can kinda relate in a few ways. A lot of my friends I didn't make because I went up to them and talked to, they kinda just "adopted me." I don't think I've ever made a friend because I made the first move. And when I do have those friends I'm pulling my hair out over if they actually like me or not. I'm constantly worried I did or said something that upset them or made them not want to be my friend. It's also the main reason I flat out refuse to try and socialize in person, and why I'm very wary of where I talk on the internet.

I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts. Some definitely worse and much more crippling than others (like the ones I'm having right now making me isolate myself from most of my online friends on Discord and Twitter, and bringing me to the genuine worst mental state I've ever been in) but the most consistent ones are definitely the ones about socialization and what other people think of me
 

Roy

streetpkmn
is a Site Content Manager Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Top Contributor Alumnus
Ardy not sure how to properly quote/hide stuff on mobile (finally have hit internet boomer status) but in addition to some other excellent advice you’ve gotten that I’m sure I’ll be repeating, just wanted to share a few thoughts:

1) Two things are true right now: it fucking sucks, but this is also 4 months of opportunity to better yourself - and even the relationship! Not necessarily with “hobbies,” but everything from continuing to optimizing psychiatric stuff (it’s a journey, I know) to finding a counselor if you don’t have it, or simply want to start eating healthy. You can also have 120 days worth of experiences with your partner you otherwise wouldn’t have. There are no limits for how great the 4 months can be. What an incredible asset if you really think about it.

Improving mental health state for Ardy = happier Ardy = happier significant other who loves you = happier relationship.

Beyond that, I have some experience with long distance with a serious ex, who moved to the Canary Islands to play soccer for 9 months. I’ll be honest - I think we did a pretty damn good job keeping the passion alive and growing the relationship irrespective of physical distance. Gotta get creative. Here’s a few things that worked out really well for us, in addition to phone calls, texting throughout day, etc

- starting a new series and FaceTiming while watching. You don’t even have to talk much - but being able to hear your significant other laugh and talk exactly like you would when watching a moving physically together is fun. I highly recommend this.

- my ex and I downloaded this app called iPassion where it would ask you sex questions like “what’s your favorite position,” “on a scale of 1-10 how dominant do you like being,” etc. Then you try to guess your partner’s answers. It’s a rush getting a notification that your partner answered during a random time during the day, and then text about it.

- FaceTime mutual masturbation. Make it your own. Explore new things. I surprised my ex with a new vibrator delivered to her house and it was fun as hell seeing her try it out. Sexy pics/videos out of the blue.

- ordering a couple cheap things on a certain day each week and getting it shipped to them. Surprise them with their favorite $2 popcorn with candy they put it in for movies. A $4 used book on Amazon that got good reviews they might like. And funny enough, they will enjoy it more because you got it for them.

- and my favorite thing (but is expensive) there are these neon lights that can connect to WiFi, and upon you touching them, will make another light somewhere else change colors. You touch it when you’re thinking about your partner. Nothing more. But it means a lot when that changes colors. It makes you happy, and reminds you why you love your significant other so much. What a great way to start the day.

You got this, and y’all got this. Think I can speak for all of us in that we’re excited to hear all about it!
 
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Roy

streetpkmn
is a Site Content Manager Alumnusis a Super Moderator Alumnusis a Top Contributor Alumnus
I can kinda relate in a few ways. A lot of my friends I didn't make because I went up to them and talked to, they kinda just "adopted me." I don't think I've ever made a friend because I made the first move. And when I do have those friends I'm pulling my hair out over if they actually like me or not. I'm constantly worried I did or said something that upset them or made them not want to be my friend. It's also the main reason I flat out refuse to try and socialize in person, and why I'm very wary of where I talk on the internet.

I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts. Some definitely worse and much more crippling than others (like the ones I'm having right now making me isolate myself from most of my online friends on Discord and Twitter, and bringing me to the genuine worst mental state I've ever been in) but the most consistent ones are definitely the ones about socialization and what other people think of me
I hear that. Ironically the way I’ve dealt with making sure I’m content socially is to interject myself as bluntly as possible, so I can tell quickly if I am liked or not to rip off the bandaid. This is a huge subconscious thing I do, and is the same as you avoiding it all together. I am extroverted and always crave social interaction, so being alone is even worse (all things equal) for me.

Might not be asking for advice but could start with befriending someone one on one so there isn’t that extra stress of being in a group. Talk about something you’re confident about talking in. Hobbies y’all share, relating to school shit, sports if you’re into it.

Being your confident self at the beginning and achieving some social harmony will build more confidence to explore more topics.

But keep it simple. Identify 1 person that would be fun to chat with. Shoot the shit.

By the way, I GUARANTEE other people feel the same insecurities as we do in social situations, they just mask it better. Many of them will understand if they sense you’re getting anxious. And it won’t be a big deal. You don’t have to be perfect.
 

Nol

Life's too short to be dancing with the devil
is a Battle Simulator Administratoris a Community Leader
PS Admin
Hi friends, it's me again. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know me outside of "she posts a lot in the Depression thread," I do a few things over on PS. Most important for this tale is that I'm one of the Room Owners of the Tournaments and Tours Plaza rooms over there (you should stop by and say hi sometime!)

About a month ago, I was part of the driving force behind a decision to reorganize our Community Discord to accommodate both of our rooms, where it had previously just housed Tours Plaza. This decision was unpopular, not due in small part to the fact that we hadn't really given any warning before the restructure. I didn't react in the best or most mature way to the backlash either, which certainly didn't help matters.

What resulted was the alienation of a fair amount of the community, and a good bit of shittalk about me, some of which I certainly deserved. Usually that kind of thing doesn't bother me, but that's because it's usually coming from a user I just locked or someone in an appeal ticket upset that I won't overturn their punishment. But when I caused that kind of behavior in the very community I'm supposed to be helping to lead, it's a whole different level of shitty feeling. A lot of people in that community have called my leadership abilities into question. Some of it I can shrug off, like those suggesting that I, an internal policy-focused RO who has spent most of her time doing nomination policy and other general administrative things, cannot be a good RO for Tournaments because I'm not a competitive Pokemon player and don't play in tournaments. But some other comments have really stuck with me.

It's been a month, and I'm still shaken. I generally pride myself on being a good RO, doing my best to listen to both the staff I work with and the community I work for, but in this case, I failed to do that. While I have made efforts to improve myself on the fronts on which I feel I failed the people around me, I can't help but wonder if people are right. Would Tournaments be better off without me? Am I going to drive the room into the ground? Am I incompetent? And if I'm these things in Tournaments, what about in Wi-Fi? What about as an admin?

It feels silly to still be worrying about this after a month, and maybe it is, but I'm a people pleaser by nature and have always done my best to make everyone around me happy. I failed in spectacular fashion, and it eroded away my confidence in my ability to lead the room, and by extension the site, in an effective manner. This plus a few other other situations over the past month that don't need to be aired here have resulted in me taking a step back from PS due to a severe lack of motivation not entirely separate from the feelings of failure, incompetence, and uselessness. I don't know what I'm going to do next at this point.

Thank you for once again letting me scream into this void. It's nice to do this sometimes. And thank you to Lilburr for being a kind and understanding cinnamon roll who dealt with me through the worst of a lot of this.
 

ausma

imperfection is beautiful
is a Site Content Manageris an official Team Rateris a Social Media Contributoris a Top Artistis a Community Leaderis a Community Contributoris a Live Chat Contributoris a Contributor to Smogon
OU Forum Leader
Hi, Ardy and Nol , wanted to give some love and support for you both:

Hey everyone

Its currently 2am and theres a lot going on

So its been a while since I last posted in this thread (which is a good thing ahahaha) and the main reason for that has been my boyfriend. Hes been the rock getting me through my depression these past few months and I love him so much. Me and him have been planning to move in together in December when both our leases expire.
But today he got an email from a study abroad program he got waitlisted for a while ago. We both just assumed he wasnt getting in, but someone dropped out and he was taken off the waitlist and offered a spot. Its 4 months. He leaves in January. And I am not ready for this.
Im happy for him. I really am, Im so proud of him, hes going to europe and hes going to be so good but at the same time theres just a profound sadness in me at the fact that not only are we not moving in together, but that I wont see him for 4 months. He wont be here to calm me down when Im having an episode. He wont be here to wake up next to me and tell me he loves me. And ofc no sex for four months.
I feel horrible for feeling like this because I feel like Im being sad for his success, that I only wanted to hold him down or something. I feel terrible and obviously I would never tell him I feel this way but I cant help it. The thought of him not being here for four months is crushing to me. And then its long distance. Yeah, its just 4 months, but long distance is fucking hard. Plus we wont be in the same timezone, idk how much we'll talk and theres just. So much. And I want it to go away. I just want to take the week off and cry about it but I have a midterm tomorrow and we're having drinks on friday and I just. Dont know how to cope with my support system just vanishing in January.
Love you all. Hope everyones doing well.
As someone who's been in exclusively long-distance relationships; they are hard, very very hard. There's something really important in being able to have physical contact in relationships because it is like a keystone of intimacy, a sort of meaningful and deep exposure that you can't really get online where you're bound by computers and mobile devices. I can't imagine how scary it is to go into new territories like that when you're so used to having that level of intimacy, especially if it's been pivotal to helping you get through your day. I sympathize greatly with the importance of an intimate relationship and I hope that maintains going forward.

Online relationships may have their hardships, but after years of being in one, it is still driven by love. Although I know for certain the adjustment will be hard, the fact you two have been able to support one another and stick together through thick and thin demonstrates to me, and I'm sure everyone else who has read your story, that what you two have together is genuine and important. My greatest advice for you would be to stay in touch; give each other space if needed, of course, but maintaining contact and communicating your needs and concerns are how relationships are started and actually thrive. I think it may also help that you've actually had time with him in person to where you know how you feel about him and you have feasible ambitions and goals for one another. I know that adjustment process is going to be really scary, and I have no doubts it will be hard, but I'm sure it will hold out so long as you keep in touch. If you ever want any further tips, support, or advice, my DMs are always open. Best of luck <3

Hi friends, it's me again. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know me outside of "she posts a lot in the Depression thread," I do a few things over on PS. Most important for this tale is that I'm one of the Room Owners of the Tournaments and Tours Plaza rooms over there (you should stop by and say hi sometime!)

About a month ago, I was part of the driving force behind a decision to reorganize our Community Discord to accommodate both of our rooms, where it had previously just housed Tours Plaza. This decision was unpopular, not due in small part to the fact that we hadn't really given any warning before the restructure. I didn't react in the best or most mature way to the backlash either, which certainly didn't help matters.

What resulted was the alienation of a fair amount of the community, and a good bit of shittalk about me, some of which I certainly deserved. Usually that kind of thing doesn't bother me, but that's because it's usually coming from a user I just locked or someone in an appeal ticket upset that I won't overturn their punishment. But when I caused that kind of behavior in the very community I'm supposed to be helping to lead, it's a whole different level of shitty feeling. A lot of people in that community have called my leadership abilities into question. Some of it I can shrug off, like those suggesting that I, an internal policy-focused RO who has spent most of her time doing nomination policy and other general administrative things, cannot be a good RO for Tournaments because I'm not a competitive Pokemon player and don't play in tournaments. But some other comments have really stuck with me.

It's been a month, and I'm still shaken. I generally pride myself on being a good RO, doing my best to listen to both the staff I work with and the community I work for, but in this case, I failed to do that. While I have made efforts to improve myself on the fronts on which I feel I failed the people around me, I can't help but wonder if people are right. Would Tournaments be better off without me? Am I going to drive the room into the ground? Am I incompetent? And if I'm these things in Tournaments, what about in Wi-Fi? What about as an admin?

It feels silly to still be worrying about this after a month, and maybe it is, but I'm a people pleaser by nature and have always done my best to make everyone around me happy. I failed in spectacular fashion, and it eroded away my confidence in my ability to lead the room, and by extension the site, in an effective manner. This plus a few other other situations over the past month that don't need to be aired here have resulted in me taking a step back from PS due to a severe lack of motivation not entirely separate from the feelings of failure, incompetence, and uselessness. I don't know what I'm going to do next at this point.

Thank you for once again letting me scream into this void. It's nice to do this sometimes. And thank you to Lilburr for being a kind and understanding cinnamon roll who dealt with me through the worst of a lot of this.
Hi Nol; your story resonates a lot with me, and I'm genuinely so sorry that you've been driven into feeling this way about yourself and your contributions. It can be incredibly hard to see the value of your work and your place as a leader when it seems as though people actively resent them, or that it feels like you're constantly making mistakes. Your position as a PS admin and room owner of numerous rooms inherently comes with a lot of weight, and emphasizes a sense of leadership to where it is really easy to connect how you perceive yourself and your actions to the quality of your work. Even small mistakes can feel like monumental failures, and at times the circumstances of being in that position can really get to you. iIt can definitely feel like an endless spiral downward where mistakes fuel that spiral, and genuinely good decisions/actions can be obscured by the much more vocal negativity. I fully empathize with you and I'm so, so sorry you've been put into that wringer; it's not something anybody deserves.

I personally would like to say, though, that you got to where you are today for a reason. From what I've seen of you, you are a very proactive leader able to take initiative and action when it is called for, and given how big and chaotic of a platform PS! is, I find that incredibly commendable. Furthermore, the sheer nature of the platform can make it even harder to really cater to everyone, and in spite of those circumstances you manage to push through and take initiative as a leader, which is inspiring as all hell. Even if you make mistakes here and there; who doesn't, right? There is no such thing as an infallible person, and people who expect you to be a perfect leader are expecting far too much. It's indirectly ingrained into leading figures so often that mistakes are unacceptable by sheer nature of your influence, but the reality is that you, your competence, and your influence are not defined by those mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, you make an incredibly positive difference.

If you ever want to talk about this any more, want a shoulder to lean on, or just want someone to talk to, I'd be more than happy to provide that for you. You're a really cool person and I'd love to get the opportunity to know you more. Hang in there, you got this :>
 

Dorron

Our shared past... and our... lost future.
is a Top Social Media Contributoris a Tiering Contributoris a Contributor to Smogonis a Smogon Media Contributor
Hi friends, it's me again. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know me outside of "she posts a lot in the Depression thread," I do a few things over on PS. Most important for this tale is that I'm one of the Room Owners of the Tournaments and Tours Plaza rooms over there (you should stop by and say hi sometime!)

About a month ago, I was part of the driving force behind a decision to reorganize our Community Discord to accommodate both of our rooms, where it had previously just housed Tours Plaza. This decision was unpopular, not due in small part to the fact that we hadn't really given any warning before the restructure. I didn't react in the best or most mature way to the backlash either, which certainly didn't help matters.

What resulted was the alienation of a fair amount of the community, and a good bit of shittalk about me, some of which I certainly deserved. Usually that kind of thing doesn't bother me, but that's because it's usually coming from a user I just locked or someone in an appeal ticket upset that I won't overturn their punishment. But when I caused that kind of behavior in the very community I'm supposed to be helping to lead, it's a whole different level of shitty feeling. A lot of people in that community have called my leadership abilities into question. Some of it I can shrug off, like those suggesting that I, an internal policy-focused RO who has spent most of her time doing nomination policy and other general administrative things, cannot be a good RO for Tournaments because I'm not a competitive Pokemon player and don't play in tournaments. But some other comments have really stuck with me.

It's been a month, and I'm still shaken. I generally pride myself on being a good RO, doing my best to listen to both the staff I work with and the community I work for, but in this case, I failed to do that. While I have made efforts to improve myself on the fronts on which I feel I failed the people around me, I can't help but wonder if people are right. Would Tournaments be better off without me? Am I going to drive the room into the ground? Am I incompetent? And if I'm these things in Tournaments, what about in Wi-Fi? What about as an admin?

It feels silly to still be worrying about this after a month, and maybe it is, but I'm a people pleaser by nature and have always done my best to make everyone around me happy. I failed in spectacular fashion, and it eroded away my confidence in my ability to lead the room, and by extension the site, in an effective manner. This plus a few other other situations over the past month that don't need to be aired here have resulted in me taking a step back from PS due to a severe lack of motivation not entirely separate from the feelings of failure, incompetence, and uselessness. I don't know what I'm going to do next at this point.

Thank you for once again letting me scream into this void. It's nice to do this sometimes. And thank you to Lilburr for being a kind and understanding cinnamon roll who dealt with me through the worst of a lot of this.
I know what you are feeling with this so I can give you the advice I was given and that has helped me a lot since then.

First of all, the communities you are leading are extremely big. The Tournaments community is, if not the most, one of the most important and set communities in Smogon. This means that is is highly supervised and requires a lot of engagement and professionalism from the leaders to be correctly moderated. The leaders chose you to join the leadership of the community. Why would they ever trust on you if you weren't reliable and competent? I don't think so. Be proud of what you have accomplished.

Second point. What I've understood is that a reorganization of the community was tried and the feedback wasn't good. Well, that's how reorganizations work, people tend not to like it at first but they will eventually adapt to it to a point that the previous organization will be forgotten. It has happened to me both in Smogon and irl (my mom reorganized the whole kitchen and I hated it but now I am very comfortable with it). And, of course, reorganizations are not guaranteed to be successful, and nothing in general. You can't expect everybody liking a change (considering that most dislike changes in general), so don't worry about that at all.

You ""made"" a mistake and you were able to recognize it. That makes you better person than a lot of those who questioned your leadership abilities. Making mistakes is normal, we are not perfect! What it is important is to recognize it and try to fix it. This way you don't only show that you are aware of your actions but also set a precedent to the future leaders and members of the community of what is a bad idea. Resuming: mistakes are the best way to learn and are much more useful if you recognize you made them.

And lastly, related to the previous paragraph. You made a mistake, you were able to realize and you didn't ignore the feedback. That's what I call a great leader. I've been in a lot of situations in which the people in charge made a mistake, I or another person notified them (without a bad intention, just a willing to improve) and they talked back like if I was shittalking about them and saying they were not good leaders or anything, then proceeded to ignore my future opinions and make the same mistakes again and again. But this is not you. You considered what people were saying and didn't ignore them, even if they weren't well-purposed or polite. Let me tell you that I would love to have people like you leading everything. Listening to people is one of the most important aspects of life to improve both as a community and a person.

Don't let this thing break you down. This is not the end of the world. I am pretty sure the other leaders are very glad to have you working with them. It's normal to sometimes feel like you have when being in such an important position, but being there just means there isn't anybody as prepared as you to be there. Wish you the best!
 

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