Serious Depression

Professional help hasn't done anything but let me down sadly.
In an effort to not sound insensitive you need to find some sort of A. Social counseling (and stick with it long term which I can tell you haven't) B. Social group with general interests (real life social group not Smogon and its surface friendly hive mind mentality it portrays). For the record I deal with both depression and anxiety but I don't care about most things in life and normally am laid back so I keep to myself / prefer not to vent or complain about it.

You're clearly trying to, as most people on this site and the internet are, find acceptance and validation from people hiding behind an avatar most times where relationships on the internet are not genuine / fickle in comparison to anything the real world has to offer you long term. You're hampering yourself down over some people not liking you behind your back and in a nutshell we call that "getting played". Happens to everyone and trust me your incident is really light from what I've seen and dealt with in the past. You suffer from anxiety and it's clear you're afraid of being alone long term and the unfortunate news flash is welcome to the club, especially in the millennial era where people are so attached to the internet it takes over as well as translates to their real life and surprise surprise causes lack of any social life for many people.

You need some new people to socialize with and find connections, considering as I said you got played by, again, in-genuine people. Get some fresh air find events or social gatherings you may be interest, join a club YMCA or w/e some shit like that, do something than sit around and let the normal bullshits of life drain you while being fortunate you have a roof over your head or even a computer to vent about something online in the first place. Eat better, turn off the news, slow down on social media aka a cancer to those with mental health conditions, and do some more positive things and it'll translate as such.

If you want to change something, it's on you.
 
In an effort to not sound insensitive you need to find some sort of A. Social counseling (and stick with it long term which I can tell you haven't) B. Social group with general interests (real life social group not Smogon and its surface friendly hive mind mentality it portrays). For the record I deal with both depression and anxiety but I don't care about most things in life and normally am laid back so I keep to myself / prefer not to vent or complain about it.

You're clearly trying to, as most people on this site and the internet are, find acceptance and validation from people hiding behind an avatar most times where relationships on the internet are not genuine / fickle in comparison to anything the real world has to offer you long term. You're hampering yourself down over some people not liking you behind your back and in a nutshell we call that "getting played". Happens to everyone and trust me your incident is really light from what I've seen and dealt with in the past. You suffer from anxiety and it's clear you're afraid of being alone long term and the unfortunate news flash is welcome to the club, especially in the millennial era where people are so attached to the internet it takes over as well as translates to their real life and surprise surprise causes lack of any social life for many people.

You need some new people to socialize with and find connections, considering as I said you got played by, again, in-genuine people. Get some fresh air find events or social gatherings you may be interest, join a club YMCA or w/e some shit like that, do something than sit around and let the normal bullshits of life drain you while being fortunate you have a roof over your head or even a computer to vent about something online in the first place. Eat better, turn off the news, slow down on social media aka a cancer to those with mental health conditions, and do some more positive things and it'll translate as such.

If you want to change something, it's on you.

I've never been exactly sure where to start with the change though. I'm not a very social person despite being well known in a few local music scenes. I don't FEEL Like many people really know me and only like me based off things I do or say online / in the community. I guess I feel like I've run out of fuel and nothing quite satisfies me anymore.
 
I've never been exactly sure where to start with the change though. I'm not a very social person despite being well known in a few local music scenes. I don't FEEL Like many people really know me and only like me based off things I do or say online / in the community. I guess I feel like I've run out of fuel and nothing quite satisfies me anymore.
Try a gym or something to that degree with seminars / classes for a start. It's basic and not difficult to jump in.
 

peach

just know that if you hide it doesn't go away
is a Programmeris a Battle Simulator Moderator
LPT: If you have social anxiety issues and find it hard to have meaningful communication with people, just assume everyone is as fucked up and poorly parented as you are. Everyone has horrors small and big locked up in their heads. Works a charm.
works great til you're actually in a conversation with someone, in my exp
 

RNGIsFatal

Banned deucer.
I am happy that I finally got a chance to share my thoughts today.

I am not posting here because I have a depression. I recently felt like I am close to getting one.
About 1.5 years? That's about the time I have left to spend with my family, or, 'so-called' family. Each day is a nightmare to deal with. I get verbally assaulted by my older sibling every day and my parents are just... unspeakably awful. This is not a rant about them scolding me for messing up or something. It is more than just that. Every time they lecture me, the whole thing goes for minimum of two hours and they are mostly about why am I not changing and they are mostly pessimistic about me in general. It is clearly visible that they are progressively losing a will to raise me. For them, I just seem to be a corporeal meat to be fed and be messed around every day. My grades from school was dropping as well. This made me lose my self-esteem over the years and it has been 3 years that I tried avoiding any interactions with them as possible, and joining Smogon was an escape for me.

Honestly, I expect to get banned for this. When I have joined Smogon, I was initially an awful user and I mostly masked the reason with "immaturity". The real reason behind it was to unleash my stress through trolling. Of course, explaining my situation doesn't really justify my behavior in the past. Every shitpost I have intentionally made, it made me feel exhilarated as other people got angry. I was continuously worsening myself by just doing that. I had no choice; I have no friends in 20 miles radius of my home, my family are awful as I have mentioned, and I am the youngest sibling who used to spend a pathetic life in one of the competitive Pokémon communities until couple months ago. Just to keep myself from staying depressed, I intentionally angered people in the forums, including a user who is borderline the administrator of the website.

As I grew more psychotic, I lost opportunities to ever look myself in the mirror; metaphorically and realistically. When trolling in a website might have seemingly brought me temporary happiness, it made me face harsher realities as my reputation in the community was going down to hell. Although the trolling lasted for only 3-4 months, it worsened my mental health to the point where I could sleep less than 3 hours a day for 87 days (yes I am crazy enough to count this shit) and I forgot how to smile. When this overlapped with my grandmother's close death, and the community made fun of it, I decided to end myself.

The "entertainment" I tried to have was obviously one of the shittiest decisions in my life and I was nearly driven to suicide multiple times. This ranged from cutting myself on throat and arm to drowning myself in the bathtub. The sad (or fortunate to certain extent) part is that I could not do cutting because I am a coward with a pea-sized liver and I couldn't drown myself because I was too tall for the tub.

Every time my suicide attempt went on a failure, I was crying out of pain, terror, and exhilaration to depart from reality. But at the end of the way, I was always left with the question "is this what I wanted from the start?". After multiple thought processes like these, I slowly started recovering my conscience. I stopped trolling, joined Tournament Open games when all expert players were absent, and remained a little more relevant until the time I left the community.

I still tend to take a shit on QDB threads with retarded quotes from guys like ducky but at least I have learned that bothering others is not the way to deal with my own problems, and the fact that it took me a genius to figure out embarrassed me a lot. The embarrassment had overridden my depression and now I spend my days doing something else other than playing 'mons. I am glad that I got to recover myself without any professional help and managed to remember how to deal with stress and make a smile.

I still suffer aftermath of my actions; I sneak into the community of the Discord I was once in and they still meme me about "Freaking out after not getting drafted into premier league when he deleted his signup post" when I freaked out about something else and I deleted my signup post because of close family death, and when I made a post about bullying weeks ago, someone was like "lol did you guys see this guy's post about him beating me in the PS ladder" when the context was totally off-base and I kept everyone anonymous there, as I did in this post as well. I am rather glad I am borderline forgotten from the community and is left with an infamy; the community I was in now serves as a relic to my life. The trolling in the community and the four additional months to recover my actions taught me that I shouldn't force others to deal with my symptoms of depressive feelings, and such actions come with consequences.

With this in mind, I combat my depressive emotions every day. I got to the point where I can control myself, but I still tend to struggle sometime. With that said, I am tagging some of my greatest benefactors who I was close with when I was around:

* Silver_Lucario42 Zovrah I am so sorry that I have to reveal the darkest side of myself, but it seems that I can count on you two enough to share this story. As we normally do, let's get in touch. Don't worry too much about me, I'm not a psychotic person as I once was and I am cheerful when I talk with you two. As much as you two helped me a lot in the community I was in, I will try doing the same in return for how much longer time do I remain.

* Some guy named Azzy in PS.

I seriously doubt you still play Pokémon, but if you see this, please PM me. Preferably before I get banned for admitting on trolling.
Do you... remember the first time we met? In ORAS? We were toxic at the same time and flooded the chat window with nearly 600 profanities and we started spamming "lmfao" like psychopath. That's like the point we got to knew each other. I talked about how I'm depressed and you talked about having "osteodeprosis" instead of "osteodeprosis". Holy shit, that was the most hilarious shit I heard in a long time and that cured me for like two months. Every battle I had against you with shitty Mega Garchomp sets was joyful as we both could release our stress out by randomly flaming in a chat.
How is cooch doing? He is doing very well if you ask me. Although he is barely around and he forgot both of us, he used to copy my Chansey team and shit and now serves as a troll of the ladder.
I really miss you dude. I hope we meet again by any chances although it is extremely unlikely going to happen. If not good luck irl and hope you deal with that fucking "osteodeprosis" and make your doctor laugh to death XD

* Gen 7 Talonflame My second follower in Smogon. Simply PMing me in the PS for teams just made me happy and made my month. That was around the time I stopped trolling and tried to atone for what I did. I hope you are still around although I am out of 'mons. I hope you remain happy.

* Duckymomo Senior, the user that can no longer access this website. We had a lot of goods and bads with each other. I honestly regret making Discord server because you were a horrendous admin, and you and Lance eventually fucked the hell outta the server and the server I once wished to be a paradise for newcomers to the community turned into a meme instead. Still, you helped my when I was about to make unspeakable decisions indirectly by hearing my talks. I hope you are doing well in Ducks > You server. You are still a bad host XD. But I hope you can carry on. Bad feelings aside, let's get in touch later on.

Too much personal stories out here, but this is how I coped with my depression (sort of). Hope everyone else with the same issue finds the answer in their heart and retrieve happiness. Honestly I really don't give a shit if I get flamed / memed / banned for doing this, but I do not have much left to do in this website anyway. I wanted to cover up my trolling at least to a degree and wrote this.
 
edit: i just read this over and its really not a great representative of how everything was going on at once... i tried my best to explain it in words but the simultaneous feelings plus so much more i wasn't able to go into detail about really cannot be explained... try to read this as my life through my condition and how its affecting my severe depression and how ive been trying to better myself

RNGIsFatal

Look. I understand that I'm still sort of a meme in the Smogon community (particularly OMs, where you also hail from) for reasons very similar to yours, but I felt extremely compelled to post here because I felt like I related to your story on a deep level. First, let me give some personal background and explain why I sympathize with you so much, then I will directly address you in an attempt to comfort you. - I'm coming back to this sentence after I've completed the post and while things are mostly about me because I was compelled to share my story, I still want to reach out to RNG and others who may have gone through similar things.

My entire life has been a horrendous experience dealing with terrible parents of my own, my mother in particular is a control freak who is emotionally, verbally, and often physically abusive who I honestly believe had my best interests in mind, however diluted they are / were. I had no childhood, my entire life through grade school and middle school I was forced to practice the piano intensely for four to six hours a day, my record was nearly nine hours of practice in a single day. While I am very good at the piano and I wouldn't want to go into anything but the music industry, I hate playing the piano in any serious manner. I was a kid who cared way too much about what people think - I still do, I've talked to people like Fardin (who was there for me at one of my low points when nobody else was. thanks bro you're a real one) and Ransei and others, and even people who I'm not exactly in a place to call friends but were here for me when I was going through things, about this and some of my other issues. I'll delve into that later.

I was constantly bullied in middle school for being extremely unathletic (something that i shouldn't have cared about and neither should the people who bullied me) and honestly annoying which I in retrospect admit that I was. Those of you who know me know I can be like that. Along with the pressure of my mother and my father, who was not as bad as my mother was constantly away and when he was home he was always, well, my mom's bitch to put it in the most accurate terms possible.

I also compose music, so that was my escape along with my friends on another forum where i was surprisingly popular but was eventually banned for garnering too many infractions (they were far stricter and "cleaner" than smogon is). I enjoyed playing mafia there so when I got banned I checked out the PS! mafia room since I had been on PS! once and saw it in passing. I met a lot of great people there, including the previously mentioned ToxicMahShroom and Wob who became my first friends in the community. I played a lot of games of mafia there and had a lot of fun but back then (almost 2 years ago at this point) I cared about things like roomauth (lol) and all my friends kept getting promoted and then I felt sort of left out and then resulted to things like a bit of trolling.

PS! at that point became an escape for me. I continued with my life in music where I had severe tendentious multiple times and more and more complications happened (such as a tendon in my right hand being compressed and grinding against the bone causing my finger to snap and get stuck for periods of time) to the point of me requiring surgery in my right hand, which to this date has not healed properly. I am very injury prone, and have had a total of 5 concussions, at least one of which I can remember was from a self-inflicted injury as a result of an altercation with my mother and I believe another could have been as well. I can't remember.

My depression grew worse as I became frustrated with life and PS! things, I was obsessed with PS as my only escape from the life I hated and by this point I was having struggles on here as well, in Mafia I was blatantly abused and targeted by a certain staff member and roomstaff refused to acknowledge it as honestly, many of them (particularly the unfortunately pretty inactive roomowners at the time) were wrapped around his finger per se (he convinced my best friend to ban me despite me being told I was getting a second chance by staff which I was actually open to, no matter how toxic I was before), and he was only removed when globals stepped in and globally demoted him (for other reasons too I assume). By that point I was heavily invested in playing mons and was also being abused by another staff member in another room and which I won't say who, but because a mutual friend of ours took a break he started treating me horribly and humiliating me, and some fellow roomstaff would follow suit.

There was whole bias against me in the othermetas community (which I will say, I was pretty awful, and while I've delved into my semi-recently diagnosed (less than a year now) bipolar disorder (the mood swing kind as a result of my depression, not the anger spike kind) I don't want to make it seem like an excuse for my annoyingness and general aggressive tone. I've gone off on my closest friends multiple times because I felt wronged in the moment and could have lost many friends to this. - Wob, I'm sorry about the times I've done this to you the most, you were my first and best friend and you've always been there to be my friend. Anyway, things started to build up, I started snapping back at people who "teased" me or just attacked me for no reason. I ended up quitting OM's completely for a period of about 6 months, due to me getting sick of how people have treated me, in particular a certain global voice and PS! coder who I won't name names (kris, you'll probably get satisfaction from knowing you really got to me, but i really wish you were always like that time we built that megadoom uu team). I'm not trying to excuse my actions and how terrible of a meme I was (see: ompl thread) I only recently came back to OMs because of kind people like Chloe and Ransei (who by the way has always been there for me and never said a harsh thing to me and I've never said anything toxic or rude to him as well as far as I can remember, which goes to show that I really don't mistreat people who treat me with kindness. I can't verbalize how much I appreciate him.) who were extremely nice to me and were open to giving me a second chance, as well as a few other really cool friends (cromagnet42 Zesty43 bdov you know who you are <3).

At home, it was terrible as usual. I was seeing an extremely manipulative doctor and my parents ended up forcing me to go to a military school where i experienced the worst depression and series of suicidal thoughts I have ever had. I didn't receive my depression medication for almost the first two weeks I was there, and they have a whole initiation system that lasts for almost two months where they take your phones and all electronics not used for school, standing at attention for hours at a time no matter how hot or the situation, constant in-your-face yelling, spontaneous PT sessions (physical training sessions, used as a punishment for the most trivial things such as not marching with your arms swinging or not squaring your meals at attention or looking around at attention. It was always collective group punishment too, meaning you'd get punished for things other people did) and it general hell honestly. I can't even state how bad it was. Once the initiation period is over things do improve however. But during that time I considered killing myself at multiple times but due to my circumstances I was always being watched and didn't have any means necessary. It came to one point where i had an opportunity but it hit me that killing myself would be the most selfish thing a person could do. Another tendency I have is that I feel morally obligated to other people but not myself, its why I'll never skip a band practice or a accompany session or show up to help somebody who needs it but I won't care about my grades or anything else that isn't letting somebody else down. It's a blessing but also a curse.

After I eventually made it through that time I had a lot of free time that I came back to PS actively again. However, I was having some issues with people getting annoyed with me causing me to bounce around tiers a lot and get extremely frustrated. I made posts lacking knowledge in an effort to get people to think better of me, and things just backfired often and I got made fun of. OMs, AG, and eventually with NU it happened to the point where I got so frustrated that I didn't know what to do. I know these people don't really know me as a friend and I'm very insignificant to them, but both Disjunction and Sir Kay kindly encouraged me and helped me understand what I needed to change when I expressed how I felt and I'm incredibly grateful to both of for putting me in what I would consider a turning point in my (seemingly insignificant to others but not to me) life that I lived on smogon and PS to escape the one that was around me.

Thats really all of my story that I can honestly write at the moment, its pretty long.

Now, RNGIsFatal:
While I have my issues and I still have problems (I had one last night, to be completely honest.), I think I've improved. I've tried to improve. I used the positive presences around me and clung to them and learned from them. I found out who was really my friend and I found out who wasn't, and I tried harder to not seek approval from everybody. You can't get them all to like you or accept you and thats just how it is gonna be.

Don't think that you can't improve and that people won't give you a second chance so you should keep on doing whats clearly not working, because that's not true! I had the exact same mentality for too long and especially in mafia and OMs I found people who were willing to give me another chance, because if you put in effort and they see that then they will too. I've seen your recent improvement, and I believe you can continue on this road.

As to your suicide attempt, you're not weak at all. Following through with it would be weaker than anything. Continuing on and persevering despite the troubles you have makes you stronger than you know. You're stronger than you know. Keep it up buddy.

I gave a lot of shoutouts here and there are a lot more that I didn't mention, and I want people to know that I'm thankful for the things they have done for me, no matter how small.
 
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RNGIsFatal

Banned deucer.
Your story.
Believe or not, you are one of the very few people who have shown empathy to me from this website, or in my life in general. I appreciate your taking of initiative to give a response to a 'forgotten revenant' and honestly I was shocked while reading your irl stories because they sounded far worse than mine. You didn't have to mention where I am from though; I tried keeping everything anonymous for the sake of courtesy when talking about my negative experience. But if that was necessary for your own personal story, I'm okay with that.

We also share the fact that we are "memes" from the community we are from. But the ultimate difference is that I intentionally caused harm while you simply did that out of mistake or whatever that is not intentional. I simply needed a place to vent and act like a dick I used to be. As a result, I faced consequences that I have expected and I was paying the due in almost everything; some faggotry about me "bitching about OMPL", my association with the user Duckymomo Senior who once used to be my closest friends who now remains in infamy along with Lance, and dismissal of my every post about criticisms / improving something. Although some things were totally unacceptable, I told myself 'serves me right' because I asked for it.

Due to this, I cannot fully understand how you felt when you were struggling to make yourself accepted into the community. You were actually trying to find another opportunity and you actually made like ToxicMahShroom and Wob to ease your negative emotions. The people I listed in my shoutouts voluntarily just reached to me when I was in the worst possible position. I think that is what differentiates both of us despite we seemingly went through something similar on paper. You got yourself out of the struggle entirely by your own doing and maybe with aid from your friends, but I motivation to overcome a struggle came from someone other than myself.

I quite disagree with the fact that "they give you a second chance". You are the one who gives yourself a second chance to clean up stuff you did in the past. Not everyone in the world is generous and this doesn't specifically apply to any communities and barely anyone is enough to give a shit about giving "second chance" to a person who messed up. You sound like "I could overcome my struggle because kind people like A and B helped me". While you might have said this for the sake of humility and courtesy, it really is clear that you are the one who saved yourself out of your own trouble. In that aspect, you seem to be in far better position than I am, because I gave up and left the community and I still remain as a meme when the reasonable amount of time for me to be forgotten has passed.

About people who you still possibly have grudges on, my way of dealing with them is getting to know them. This is quite a hassle to do but once you know your offender, the hatred ceases a little bit. This is not about directly talking to them but it is about lurking around their profile and see what they do / where they post. I tried to pull off a conversation with several people this way in the community and it actually helped a lot more than you think. This was also one of my ways to deal with depression by invoking me to do something like the person I stalk instead of just sitting on a chair and doing nothing. Once you are badged (which I firmly believe will happen soon judging from your C&C stuff), you can find even more info about your peers as you will gain an access to a place of badge nominations.

I used the positive presences around me and clung to them and learned from them. I found out who was really my friend and I found out who wasn't, and I tried harder to not seek approval from everybody. You can't get them all to like you or accept you and thats just how it is gonna be.
This is something I wholeheartedly agree with. I know who is my friend and who is not. It is true that ideally, I should have tried harder to seek approval no matter what it would take. I should have tried even if I had two losses for my team in Snake Tournament because it is true that people like you and my old friends are there to still take me. I understand I can't get everyone to like me and that is obvious lol - especially considering the fact that I technically trolled.
The reason why I gave up was 1. Personal attacks during OMPL was nearly unbearable. I am usually very resilient with personal attacks and whenever I had one from OM's I was usually like 'nah fuck it, I asked for one' but that one in particular made me think that "man I'm not really ready to serve the due anymore, gonna have to leave sooner or later". 2. Communities in Smogon are meant to be places where you either contribute or be a nice human being in general but there is not chance whatsoever for me to qualify in both category; analysis project thingy was a bitch to deal with when my analysis got rejected for "asking them to write it out" when I asked them to "help with overview" and the QC's were just lazy. I spammed OM submissions every month but I either have an ape's creativity or remain in some sort of 'blacklisted users' which I can't really complain about if that's the case. Being a nice human being was obviously impossible at that point and chances are even low atm when I am just talking about shits I had to go through.

Don't think that you can't improve and that people won't give you a second chance so you should keep on doing whats clearly not working, because that's not true! I had the exact same mentality for too long and especially in mafia and OMs I found people who were willing to give me another chance, because if you put in effort and they see that then they will too.
I honestly am not motivated to ask for a second chance. Rather, as I have mentioned in my own post, I am using my experience as a life lesson to not bother other people and know how to take care of myself. I still appreciate this with my heart nonetheless.

I've seen your recent improvement, and I believe you can continue on this road.
Unfortunately, I did not improve in reality. I spent couple months trying to reform but the fact that I have trolled strikes me every day when I made a post in OMs or typed a message in OM Discord. In addition, as you may already have heard from everyone else...

I reported a doxxing issue lately, and during that process, I learned the real name and saw the irl picture of someone in the community. If you know who this is, don't say it out loud for fuck's sake. For this reason, it would be shit of me to go back to OM's in the first place. I was not doing so hot with them anyway but I just can't continue on the road or otherwise I am making a second mistake in the same place and therefore I won't be able to live with myself with such guilt.

Also one person PMed me saying:

[1:14 PM] Anonymous: Ye
[1:14 PM] Anonymous: Btw can you do me a favor
[1:14 PM] ReallyNiceGame: go ahead
[1:14 PM] Anonymous: Come back man
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: You might have had a bad start
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: but I kinda miss you and I'm sure others do too
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: We still talk about you and stuff but none of it is bad
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: Everyone has their rough starts
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: but you did well for yourself
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: We'd love to see you back

Like holy shit man. They are literally lying on my face. I made an account that just sits in OM discord and does nothing and I can still read all the shit. No, I'm not really going on the road where I have to deal with lies and stuff.

Tell this guy congrats for + in PS if you get to figure out who this is. Anyways,

As to your suicide attempt, you're not weak at all. Following through with it would be weaker than anything. Continuing on and persevering despite the troubles you have makes you stronger than you know. You're stronger than you know. Keep it up buddy.
I honestly teared out when I read this because this gave me an instant flashback when I tried to end myself. And yes, I will believe I am stronger than I think because:

[9:01 AM] Zovrah: RNG are you just sayori
[9:01 AM] RNG: Maybe

I know how to deal with my depressive shits now!

Keep it up buddy.
Thanks! Sooner or later, you might see me again some day. Who knows?
 
A thread about depression? May as well share My Depression Story (tm) cause you never know who it might help. This probably goes without saying but pity is the worst. Don't pity. I think my depression was triggered by a specific event but maybe it was always there waiting for an excuse.

Winter of 2014. My senior year of high school, on track to graduate a year and a semester early and finish my associate's the next semester without paying for any of it. I'm happy, cause why shouldn't I be? My life is a freeroll. I still remember the events of the day, but I don't remember when exactly it was. In Minnesota, snow on the ground narrows it down to 6 possible months.

It was a pretty meh school day until I missed the bus. The bus ran from campus all the way to my hometown. I called home to tell my dad I would be late. Nobody answered. I called again and again. Somebody was supposed to be home. I called my mom's cell phone. Still no answer. Finally, my younger brother picked up the home phone. "Where's Dad?" I asked him. He probably shrugged. He didn't know. I told him I would be home late then went back to calling Mom- they were probably out together.

I asked her if Dad was with her, when she finally picked up. A note of concern crept into her voice as she tried to confirm what I was saying. I picked up on it immediately. My dad was gone again, and I didn't know if he'd bother coming back this time. Not a word, not a note. Just gone.

Life continued as normal. I finished my high school classes, signed up for next semester, but something was different. I ended up dropping or plunking all but one class- I got a C. Most days when I was supposed to go to school I skipped and went into town instead. I stopped biking. I stayed up until 2 am on my laptop, waiting for friends to invite me to a game of league of legends and never playing. I was a shell. It sounds weird to say, but being miserable made me happy. Like having an excuse to be unhappy was all I really wanted. And thinking of it as an excuse made it all the worse.

That summer, my mom announced we were moving halfway across the country. I didn't care so much either way at the time, but now I regret the decision and I think she does too. I was able to transfer my wal Mart job but I had to live with my grandparents for a time.

Things progressively got worse. I barely slept and barely ate. I pulled all nighters constantly. My mom accused my grandma of starving me. I lost my job. A year after everything was looking perfect, it had collapsed before I knew it.

But I didn't care. I was perfectly fine with wasting my life- it was already a waste. I spent all my time in my room, on my computer, staying up late watching futurama. Shows like that always mean something if you watch them during the rough times. Anyway, my grandparents took away tech after 10 PM, put me on melatonin, and after a few weeks I was able to fall asleep before midnight. I moved in with the rest of my family since I no longer had a job. Eventually I realized I wasn't really depressed any more. Ever since, I've been worried it'll come back. Especially around that time of year when IT happened.

Anonymity is life
 

Diophantine

慈陰
is a Tutor
If I was a flavor of coffee, it would be "Depresso"!

Heh.

bad pun. Okay so I am depressed and I'm making this thread in large part to ask people how they cope with depression they have or had, but also to provide a place for other depressed people to vent their feelings and /or just have someone to listen to them. So feel free to post in this thread.

As for me? Well looking back I think my depression started two years ago when my dad died:[ I really loved him a lot and apparently he died from sort of heart thing because he didn't check in with his doctor so he didn't know it was going to happen. We were going back from Modell's and everything with football gear when it happened, and found out at home. Utter devastation. I can remember most of the details even now. Not having a parent around to nurture you as a child is really harsh, i mean especially at adolescence when so much shit is happening anyway. My mom is usually at work too, so it's like, fuck. I've only begun to realize the extent of my depression yesterday, BUT its been there in some form since basically august 2014, when he died.

so yeah there's my story, feel free to post
I'm so sorry to hear this dude, I honestly hope that you pull through it.
I have had battles with depression myself. It has been cyclic on the most part. I have gone through a few years with it and then some time without it, and so on.
I don't know what causes depression. Some say it's chemical imbalances in your brain; some say it is caused by traumatic events. I believe it's a combination of the two, speaking from personal experience.
But I'm not here to complain about my experiences with it or dwell on causes too much. I'll share some of the things that I did to help me cope with it.

- Pick up a sport. Serotonin, the "happy hormone", is a byproduct of the body doing exercise. Sports themselves also give you something to work towards. For me it was football (soccer) and karate. You also make friends quite naturally by doing these. Join a club, play with your friends and do it competitively if you feel like it.

- I don't know how it is affecting you, but a lot of people lose motivation to do things. In extreme cases, they stay in their room the entire time (I did this for a while). Try and keep to a schedule. Wake up at a certain time, go for a jog at a certain time, etc etc etc.

- Try and find friends that you can talk to about it. This is something that I regret not doing earlier. I didn't feel comfortable talking to friends about it at first - it's only natural not to - as depression made it difficult to make close friends in the first place. I opened up to one of my mates, and it worked wonders. They didn't even have to say anything useful back (nor would I expect them too), but it just felt good getting some shit off my chest. Girls are usually better with this stuff than guys are.

- Work towards a goal. For me it was academic success. I pushed myself to crazy limits to perform well at national Olympiads, get the best grades I could, and to get into my dream university. Putting your mind and efforts to something and sticking to it keeps you going along and this is probably the best of my tips. Have short term goals for the next year), mid term goals (for the next 5 or so years) and long term goals (for a lifetime).

Hope this was helpful. If you (or anyone else for that matter) have any questions, shoot them my way. I'll be happy to help :D
 
2nd post with this new dumb name let's get it (not good at posting btw so this is gonna be bad sorry ig)

so unlike some of the other people in this thread, i was lucky enough to have a good family/living situation. but that didn't stop me!!!

if you're wondering i think the main flaw i have with this stuff is comparing myself to other people. this is really dumb. don't do it. i was kind of led into it from a young age ("oh you're so smart and have potential!" ruined my life. good job) and even when i know it's wrong i find myself doing it subconsciously.

i'm not sure if i'm actually depressed but my irl life is pretty bad at the moment. every day i feel so drained after and even during school. even when i make an effort to stay hydrated and stuff i just don't have the energy to do anything after school other than waste time on discord. sometimes this extends further into the afternoon and i end up not getting any homework done.

for some assignments, my brain literally just decides not to do it. it doesn't even try. it's like there's this block in front of it. "nope, not doing that." it's been doing this since middle school. i really hate it but what can i even do to get it out of the way?

now onto the other problem i got

i'm way too concerned about this stupid game and what people here think of me. sometimes i'm reliant on random people on the internet to cheer me up when i'm having a bad day and those situations don't always go like i want to because so many people are just so fake and won't help even if they're a "good chat presence" or something. and i don't blame them either. who would want to listen to this guy complain 24/7 about the latest dumb set on the ladder or really hard homework assignment or people thinking he's not good?

i don't have a way of seeking validation irl except in school, and you can kinda see how good that is for that when you look at what i've been doing in the above paragraph. every time i graduate from one school, all my friends go to a different one than me. this bad high school is even worse because it's so big. i know like 5 people in it and none of them are in any of my classes so basically i don't really know anyone

and this game isn't very fulfilling either! a few days ago i had this day where i was undefeated on ladder after 15 games. i felt nothing at all. this culture we have surrounding tournaments is really stupid because even though tournaments for the meta i play aren't official, they're still surrounded with so much prestige that winning these games felt expected of me. and when i lose, it's even worse. i keep telling myself this can't happen in an important game, i need to find out what went wrong, how could i have lost to such a bad set?

even though i spend most of my time on the internet, everything feels really dull. random youtube videos hold no meaning other than maybe to make me laugh. mons videos make me think i'm getting better at the game. i must have read every message on smogon by now. discord is just the same old messages by the same old people day after day after day. the only variety is tournaments because those feel like the only thing that actually matters here anymore

i try to do way too many things on this site too. i've tried playing pretty much every tier (in suspect tests where i make 1 alt then give up), i have my own trade thread, and i'm trying to take like 3 tiers + battle tree seriously all at once. the result is that i'm not really good at any of them except for balanced hackmons (and even then you never know)

yeah i could quit, but what would i have left? i'm not actually good at anything else and from what i've heard this is one of the best communities online. but is it really worth staying here when there are idiots who are actually turning the problems i have into a meme? my life is a meme already (don't ask about the details but yeah that happened. it sucked)

yeah i could get some kinda help but i'm honestly scared of what it could entail. what will my family think? will it make me fall behind even more on my assignments? is it really ok to tell people irl about this stuff?

i know a bunch of people are gonna read this stupid post and laugh. if you always post entitled stuff, people aren't really gonna take you seriously. but i thought it would be ok to post something like this here judging by other people's stories.

it's midnight and i just wanted to get this out of the way. sorry for not organizing this better but i tried
 

lighthouses

Chasing after dreamers in the clouds
is a Tiering Contributor
Im at a point where it honestly feels like what i do wont matter.
I can be as proactive as i want, take the first step to seek therapy, try to go out, find occupations, see people.
But it doesnt matter, i always get sent right back into my bed, struggling to do the most basic of tasks and pushing everyone i care about away.
I always considered myself good at dealing with this, one step at a time id always get back on my feet, but this time it feels different.
Im at a hole where i feel like whatever i do is meaningless, any effort i put out will amount to nothing because the universe will just put me right back in my place, which is my bed, wishing i didnt exist.
It honestly never felt so lonely before.
Ill keep going though, what else is there to do.
 

pazza

Banned deucer.
Just wanted to say 2 things
1. Im bad at replying to depression posts but I really wanna help my friends out
2. Your a bh that I look up to because you use such cool stuff and still win battles.When ever I see one of your battles im so shocked of what you brought.You don't use the same bullshit you use more creative sets. :]

i'm not sure if i'm actually depressed but my irl life is pretty bad at the moment. every day i feel so drained after and even during school. even when i make an effort to stay hydrated and stuff i just don't have the energy to do anything after school other than waste time on discord. sometimes this extends further into the afternoon and i end up not getting any homework done.
Try taking a 30 minute nap after school and try drinking some coffee before school

i don't have a way of seeking validation irl except in school, and you can kinda see how good that is for that when you look at what i've been doing in the above paragraph. every time i graduate from one school, all my friends go to a different one than me. this bad high school is even worse because it's so big. i know like 5 people in it and none of them are in any of my classes so basically i don't really know anyone
Try talk to more people in your school and join a club or sport and talk to the people in the sport or club and make friends with them. You don't know people in till you know what they like.

and this game isn't very fulfilling either! a few days ago i had this day where i was undefeated on ladder after 15 games. i felt nothing at all. this culture we have surrounding tournaments is really stupid because even though tournaments for the meta i play aren't official, they're still surrounded with so much prestige that winning these games felt expected of me. and when i lose, it's even worse. i keep telling myself this can't happen in an important game, i need to find out what went wrong, how could i have lost to such a bad set?
Everyone can lose to a bad set here and there.By hax or you just didn't know they where using a different set then the usual set.
Even if you lose a tournament there always more coming up soon!

even though i spend most of my time on the internet, everything feels really dull. random youtube videos hold no meaning other than maybe to make me laugh. mons videos make me think i'm getting better at the game. i must have read every message on smogon by now. discord is just the same old messages by the same old people day after day after day. the only variety is tournaments because those feel like the only thing that actually matters here anymore
Maybe join a group at a your school or even a sport, meet different people. Then your life should be a lot less dull and more fun. Hell you can even pick computer class and get better with computers.

yeah i could quit, but what would i have left? i'm not actually good at anything else and from what i've heard this is one of the best communities online. but is it really worth staying here when there are idiots who are actually turning the problems i have into a meme? my life is a meme already (don't ask about the details but yeah that happened. it sucked)
Please don't quit your one of the most funniest and creative person I know (and also a nice person)
Try to remove the people that make your problems into memes from your ps/discord/smogon account

yeah i could get some kinda help but i'm honestly scared of what it could entail. what will my family think? will it make me fall behind even more on my assignments? is it really ok to tell people irl about this stuff?
Yes I would tell my parents and if you start falling back on homework you can always ask your mom or dad to help you do it.

i know a bunch of people are gonna read this stupid post and laugh. if you always post entitled stuff, people aren't really gonna take you seriously. but i thought it would be ok to post something like this here judging by other people's stories.
If people look at depression stories and laugh then they aren't right people. Even if there you so called friends and they laugh at this post, are they really your friends?Or do they not like the true you.

it's midnight and i just wanted to get this out of the way. sorry for not organizing this better but i tried
good night (even tho im replying to this in the morning)
 
yo, its been a little over a year and i wanna talk about what has happened since and also mention some things i learned along the way.

since the time of the post, the following has happened:

i ended my 3rd semester (first sem of sophomore yr) on a fine note. got a couple A's and one D which i was content w considering i literally skipped school for like a month and then some. i never went to that therapy session cus im wack. i actually tried talking to my profs at the time but pussied out. i talked to my gf and she was extremely understanding and supportive. same with my friends. never started working w the nonprofit since things went wrong on their end (i didnt bail on it tho)

so 2nd semester of sophomore i started out pretty great. i was doing hw on like saturdays that were due like the following thursday and stuff and was just motivated / in control of mostly everything. then on february 17 (yea i remember the exact day) something went wrong and since then i started the cycle of skipping class and not doing hw etc etc. it got bad to the point where i failed 3 classes which was a huuuuuge wake up call and i had to retake em in the summer and so i did and got a's and b's. thinking that i did fine in the summer session and it would carry into the fall, i STILL did not go to a therapy session.

now its fall 2017 and i start out ok. i miss class on some bad days, some late hw's in the beginning etc etc. im doing a lot better than i was in the spring but not as good as i want to. still an improvement tho. anyway, the week after thanksgiving was just extremely bad. i have no idea what happened but sunday night i went to sleep with severe suicidal thoughts which carried into the morning. and in the morning i had a ridiculous anxiety attack which lasted for like 2 hrs. this continued on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. finally thursday night i talked to a professor and some friends who advised and even pleaded for me to seek help. so out of desperation i made an appointment for friday morning and finally went. it lasted for like an hour and i learned new things about myself and felt as though there is hope for change, that i will get better. this happened on december 1st and since then theres been a significant decrease in negative feelings and such. i felt mostly energetic throughout the days, was able to remain motivated to do various things and stuff. every day wasnt great, i did have some bad days, and some even harder days which is to be expected since obviously i wont magically get better after one meeting but man it feels fucking amazing to not feel like shit all the time.

i still have some slightly strained relations w friends, family, and i dont see my gf often enough (shes overly understanding tho) so im working on that. honestly, im just sort of embarrassed bc of this. i know i shouldnt be but that embarrassment grew into some social anxiety and ive been afraid to face my friends about it even tho i know they wont really judge me for not being at my best. its something i will work on in the coming months

i know im not saying anything new but the biggest piece of advice i can give someone is to talk to people. working out of a hole like this is difficult and takes time but its a lot easier when not doing it alone. it took me 1 yr to go to a damn counseling session and im glad i did. but even before, that i was constantly talking w friends, even on smogon. special shoutout to nikka #1 teal6 who was the 1 dude that convinced me to go lmfao. ok it was more out of desperation but hes a good guy (pm him or starmaster on discord for spl tryouts)

and lastly, if anyone is having a hard time and cant find someone to talk to please dont hesitate to either pm me on here or discord (obii#3532)

thanks for reading and good luck to anyone else on the path of healing

Hey hey hey, kind of a rushed update (on phone and its late so sorry if my wording is off or w.e). I've still been doing the therapy / counseling sessions w.e and it's honestly helping a lot. We've gotten down to basically the root of my issues which goes back to like home environment and the way I've internalized certain things and how I externally react to stuff.

Anyway I can go on forever about this but the biggest thing is for the past week or so I've had pretty much 0 anxiety attacks!!! This is actually pretty surprising and new since I'd usually get an attack at least once a day but things that usually trigger it are not triggering it.

Man, I'm honestly really happy and hope things remain this way. It's so much easier to function and get through the day without anxiety.

3 months since I've started therapy and I've gotten rid of severe suicidal thoughts and anxiety (hopefully!!!!!). Now the next thing to work on is discipline and general motivation. I got a plan for that too. Might update this post w specific details sometime later this week. I just wanted to post this because I'm really happy with my progress and wanted to let others know that it is possible to get through these things

Big shoutouts to my man FlamingVictini , I actually learn a lot about myself whenever we talk and come out of it smarter. Love u bro

Ps: as always my discord pms are open if anyone needs to talk / vent / wants advice on anything at all. It's better to talk to someone, anone than to keep your feelings bottled up.

Good luck to anyone else struggling with mental health issues. Don't give up. Damn there's actually a lot I want to say now regarding dealing w suicidal thoughts and anxiety attacks so ig I'll make a post w how i dealt w em sometime this weekend. But seriously don't give up. U guys rock
 
Im at a point where it honestly feels like what i do wont matter.
I can be as proactive as i want, take the first step to seek therapy, try to go out, find occupations, see people.
But it doesnt matter, i always get sent right back into my bed, struggling to do the most basic of tasks and pushing everyone i care about away.
I always considered myself good at dealing with this, one step at a time id always get back on my feet, but this time it feels different.
Im at a hole where i feel like whatever i do is meaningless, any effort i put out will amount to nothing because the universe will just put me right back in my place, which is my bed, wishing i didnt exist.
It honestly never felt so lonely before.
Ill keep going though, what else is there to do.
it's an annoying answer but it's the right one: seek professional help. i know that you mentioned you've tried and failed, so i'll spout off my recent mental health story and hopefully it'll help set you on the right track. there's no cure-all for any mental health issue; most are tied directly to neurological issues so your best bet is often medication. obviously different methods work for different people, but the best starting point is talking to a trained professional who can give you an objective view of your situation and diagnose you.

i struggled to get professional help too. i've been aware of some level of mental health issues within myself since my early teens, and i didn't get help until a few months ago at 25. what got me there was knowing that i didn't have any other options and the help of my closest friends. the thought of actually making a call to an office was incredibly overwhelming to me for a ton of reasons (what if they tell me i don't have any sort of disorder and i'm just a fucked up person, what if i have to wait 6 months before i can get in somewhere, what if my insurance doesn't cover appointments or medications, etc.) but making the necessary calls with my friends there to support me made it much easier. i knew if things went well, my friends would be there at the end of it to celebrate with me and that if they didn't, they'd be there to support me and help me figure out a new plan of attack. also my best friend has an anxiety disorder and slipped me a xanax before i called anyone lmao.

going in to my first appointment with my psychiatrist, i was convinced that i had adhd. i'd been having serious issues concentrating, i was snapping out at people, i was constantly keyed up, my mind was always racing, i couldn't focus on anything, i wasn't paying bills on time not because i didn't have the money but because i forgot. i thought i had depression as well because i've struggled with small depressive episodes my entire life. they got much worse over the last year, and there were two separate periods where i was in a depressive episode for around two weeks each. during one of those, i was seriously suicidal for a hot minute. the first one, the one where i was suicidal, started suddenly in the shower one night. i started crying for no particular reason. i felt terrible but couldn't figure out a reason why. after i got out of the shower, i sat on the floor in my kitchen, listened to music, cried, smoke, and drank until 4 or 5 in the morning.

i left my first appointment with my psychiatrist with a bipolar diagnosis and two prescriptions, an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer. in retrospect, i realized that the things that made me think i had adhd were symptoms of mania, and i've gone through rapid-cycling for most of my life so it made sense. i've been on meds for about two months now. i still struggle pretty often and i'm still finding the right dosages to treat my symptoms, but there are two main differences: 1. my two extremes are a bit closer to normal now and 2. i have hope for the first time in a long time.

i know that just getting to the point where you can start to seek professional help can be really difficult. i lived it. there's comfort in staying silent because even though you know that what you're going through is terrible, you're familiar with it. who knows what will happen if you take those first steps toward treatment. maybe you try to get help and you end up back where you started, but if that happens, you'll be no worse off for it.

if you're an adult with insurance, contact your insurance agency and ask about what kind of mental health coverage your plan provides and what psychologists and psychiatrists are in your area and covered by your plan. if you don't have coverage which happened to me last year, try to find clinics that offer counseling or any other mental health services on a sliding scale based on your income. you can also try to see a family doctor or nurse practitioner. they aren't qualified to diagnose you, but they can give you a referral and prescribe you with something to help in the meantime. if you're in high school or college, talk to your parents and/or your school. a lot of colleges offer some kind of mental health services for students like x free sessions with a psychologist or discounted sessions for students. high schools often have some kind of trained psychologist available for students, even if it's not openly broadcasted. i saw mine for a couple years before i graduated.

the first step to overcoming your mental health is understanding it, and the best way to get that understanding is by talking to someone with that knowledge. i know when getting out of bed is difficult that the thought of just dialing a phone number seems impossible, forget about following through with an appointment. it might take time before you get there, but you can get there. and don't be afraid to ask for help in getting help because sometimes just having someone who understands your circumstances can make all the difference.
 
Im at a point where it honestly feels like what i do wont matter.
I can be as proactive as i want, take the first step to seek therapy, try to go out, find occupations, see people.
But it doesnt matter, i always get sent right back into my bed, struggling to do the most basic of tasks and pushing everyone i care about away.
I always considered myself good at dealing with this, one step at a time id always get back on my feet, but this time it feels different.
Im at a hole where i feel like whatever i do is meaningless, any effort i put out will amount to nothing because the universe will just put me right back in my place, which is my bed, wishing i didnt exist.
It honestly never felt so lonely before.
Ill keep going though, what else is there to do.
This is exactly how I have felt for months now and it reached the pinnacle today, I touched the brink and felt truly suicidal for the first time in my life.

Currently my life is going nowhere, I'm failing at every aspect of it and my mental state is deteriorating steadily.

However, I do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. I realised that yesterday.

I found a purpose, something that interests me that I would like to pursue in the future when I am able and I believe things like that are helpful in turning things around for people like us who suffer.

You may not have a purpose like that yet and you may feel insignificant or as if what you do is meaningless but anyone can be inspired.

Nothing you do is meaningless, it may mean more to you than it does to most others but that's down to a combination of both perspective and relativity. Problems are relative, they seem and often are huge to the people involved and that's okay even though a percentage of others may not quite get it because they don't see it from your point of view.

A therapist of mine caught me off guard completely last year, I had something to talk about that was, to me, crippling and life-changing yet I felt others wouldn't care or laugh at the problem because it was too trivial yet she reassured me and approached it from my point of view, understanding that just because a problem wasn't hers doesn't mean that it is any less relevant.


I'm no good with advice but you aren't alone, I'm a barely functional human being but I still think there is hope for all and you shouldn't ever feel like your actions are meaningless.

Hope you feel better eventually
 

deetah

Traveling through space and time...
is a Live Chat Contributoris a Contributor to Smogon
Well might as well share a little bit about my life. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 8. Even though I am blessed with a good family situation, it didn't make a difference. I missed out on a lot of my childhood because of how young I was when it hit. Through the years, I have been up and down on an emotional roller coaster with my depression. I have been on many different medications and have seen many different psychologists and psychiatrists. Nothing seemed to help and I just felt like nothing mattered anymore. Middle school only increased my anxiety. I began to refuse going to school and I would cry in my room and isolate myself. I've been in the hospital as well for being suicidal.

Fast forward to now, 16 years old in my junior year in high school. I am blessed to be in a smaller school setting with other kids who can relate to what I'm dealing with. I am still seeking help for my illnesses and taking medication. I am still on this roller coaster and at times I just want to give up. I guess the point of this story is that if you are suffering with similar issues, you are not alone, and it is not your fault. Your life matters and you are irreplaceable.
 
I am already undergoing medical treatment, thanks for the kind words anyhow
Hi,
having mental problems is not easy, you're not alone in this path. I have a little brother who got diagnosed with ADHD. It's very hard to cope and manage at first but little by little me and my family already adjusted on the situation. I read some articles regarding children with ADHD and it helps in gaining more knowledge about my brother's situation. I've also read that Cogmed Working Memory Training helps the adults with ADHD to manage their ADHD.
 
Having abandoned a friend of mine who was suffering from depression because I couldn't deal with their issues (it was too much for me ,affected my life personally and took up too much of my time) , I saw their life crumble and often I had wondered "isn't it obvious you shouldn't be doing this ? / doing that is better for you?" . What I want to emphasize is the circumstances of the people in depression and the people trying to support them. Ultimately , no matter how down you feel or how low , you have to show some initiative or nothing will ever come out of the kind words , the professional help and the social support systems and friends and family. A lot of the posts seem to skew towards "hoping" you'll do better eventually (not calling anyone out, it is genuinely well-meant advice) . Kind words help , but from personal experience even hands on support will not save a person unless they have the initiative to redeem themselves on their own . Take the first step, fail , do it again , keep at it mercilessly till you succeed because no one is coming to save you other than yourself , they can only assist. Take all the assistance you need but in the end you have to have something to show for it , for all the emotion and effort people have invested in your well being because they are affected by your suffering too.
 
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Soul Fly

IMMA TEACH YOU WHAT SPLASHIN' MEANS
is a Contributor Alumnus
notes from a brave soul who didn't make it.



Money, fame, adulations. All become irrelevant in face of crushing hopelessness. Reach out and offer a hand.

Rest in Peace.
 
I make music . That's how. And I don't let peoples feelings bother mine too much anymore unless I caused them. Also understand that, people don't owe you time vice versa.. Living simple with simple thoughts and resting yourself is the wave
 

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