Serious Depression

[dice]

cw: suicide

in light of the recent high profile suicides, it's important to remember that your strength isn't measured by how much pain you can endure in silence. we need to make it a collective responsibility to check up on our loved ones and ourselves and always try to be present. i know i was most active on smogon during my worst bouts of depression, and i definitely am aware of how lot of us possess suicidal ideation at times.

that being said, please don't superimpose help on your loved ones. so many mental health institutions are rife with dehumanizing practices, infantilizing patients and erasing their autonomy. if you or a friend is having a rough time, don't coerce or be coerced. vet your programs, understand the impact, and weigh your options. i have had many poor experiences with mental health services, many of which only snowballed my depression. understand that, while you may have had a healing exposure doing xyz, this may not translate for others.

the work done to legitimize depression as a corporeal reality has had the unintended consequence of making it a biological boogeyman. while depression is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, for most people it doesn't arise apropos of nothing. although medication can offset suicidal ideations, it will never eliminate the root causes and triggers that made the person depressed in the first place.

pointing the finger at depression for the upsurge in high-profile suicides is a band-aid measure at best, and ignores the host of societal ills that plague us each and every day. our world is fraught with inequality, isolation, and competition. what does it say about our world if those who are systemically celebrated are also riddled with angst and depression?

we can simultaneously try to neutralize the pain in the moment, and work toward creating a world where we don't have pain to mask. if all we do in light of these tragedies is raise awareness about depression, we are not doing enough.

stay safe loves. xx

 

[JustoonSmitts]

I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I've been living in El Paso for two years now, but I really don't have any family or friends here. It's been a struggle to deal with it for me, but I have been making progress on getting better without medication (that will just make it worse.) I take long walks because it helps keep my mind stimulated by giving me a mini-adventure to go on. I'm really at my best when I create artwork. It's incredibly therapeutic and I have recently discovered a way to create art digitally without the need of an expensive tablet. Win-win. :)

I'm also incredibly grateful to have a fiancé that deeply cares about me. It's because of her that I am able to seek therapy and professional treatment, which also has been of some help.

 

[Gweebis]

I was recently diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I've been living in El Paso for two years now, but I really don't have any family or friends here.

Oof, that can be really hard to deal with while depressed; it can really drag you down. If you and your fiancé are able to go to any kind of local events, depending on your interests, it might not be a bad idea to do that. It can really help to have more people to talk to and interact with so you don't ever feel isolated. When people start to feel isolated, their thoughts can easily spiral out of control, and that can make things so much worse. Peer interaction is important, and I hope that you're able to find people to talk to and interact with that can help you get through this, even if that involves just hanging out and nothing else.

I have been making progress on getting better without medication (that will just make it worse.)

Considering you're currently going through therapy and professional treatment, it's likely you explored the medical options already, but, if you haven't, it may not be a bad idea into looking into some of the medicines that don't treat it but rather lessen the effects. I'm currently taking Citalopram for depression + anxiety, and it doesn't stop me from feeling that way; it just makes the symptoms less extreme. I used to have times where I would break down into tears and go into something similar to a panic attack, and I haven't had those ever since I started taking the medicine. There are options that aren't addictive and aren't drastically altering to brain chemistry, but it's also up to you. I just wanted to mention it in case this was something you haven't heard of that may help you c: You can talk to your doctor about it for more information than I can give if you're interested or think it may be helpful to you, but I also understand if you think it may do more harm than good. You know your body best~

Either way, I wish you the best of luck with getting through this. We're all aiming for the same goal, and we'll help each other get there in whatever way we can.

 

[JustoonSmitts]

Today was the hardest one this year: we had to say goodbye to our 14-year old labrador named Sadie. She was loved by everyone she met. She wasn't the smartest dog but goddammit she was the sweetest. We're going to miss her so much... </3

 

[deetah]

Today was the hardest one this year: we had to say goodbye to our 14-year old labrador named Sadie. She was loved by everyone she met. She wasn't the smartest dog but goddammit she was the sweetest. We're going to miss her so much... </3

I am so sorry for your loss, I know what it's like to lose a pet and it's absolutely awful, nothing else can describe that feeling. She was probably an amazing dog and may she rest in peace. :(

 

[Raidx]

For the past year and a half or so I've been told i have depression but until recently i didn't believe them since I always thought depression was when one is constantly sad and well, depressed. I then found out that lack of motivation and isolation are symptoms of depression, both of which I've exhibited, so I came to the conclusion that my nurse practitioners/therapists were right when saying I most likely suffer from depression. I take effexor to treat it, though it hasn't really been beneficial and the side effects are killing me (lack of appetite), so idk. I don't experience sadness, in fact i'm very happy all the time, i just lack motivation to do anything productive and prefer to stay in my room than interact w others.

 

[HailFall]

I feel so lonely all the time. I haven't had real friends since 8th grade and now I'm 18 and I feel completely isolated from everyone. Yes I have people I'm friendly with online, but I'm not particularly close to anyone. It's just kind of depressing ya feel? Like if I were to get into a car crash and die today ppl would say "wow that's sad" and then move on with their lives.

It was the same way back in highschool. I got along with everyone well but no one ever got close enough to me that they'd talk to me outside school. I was always an outsider. I'm off to college next year and I pray with all my heart I'm able to make some genuine close friends who I can laugh with and talk to freely and just have a real deep bond with.

I've always been the kid who sits alone at lunch, and dreads having to choose partners for projects because I don't have any close friends. It just sucks.

I've felt lonely and sad for years and I just wish I could make some real close friends

 

[asshole]

Man, depression. Yeah. After reading a lot of these posts, honestly it kills me to know that a lot of people are dealing with the same thing i have, something i wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. you all have my heartfelt sympathy.

I’ve been a neet for a good while, and honestly am finally becoming able to grab ahold of my life and start to go back in the right ditection. Depression hits me hard, and I just recoil and do nothing, just wallow in the depression and shit. I’ve been off meds for a few years now and that was a bad mistake; even smoking marijuana now makes me have anxiety instantly. Tbf the anxiety is the worst part of it all. It drastically affects my life to the point where I can’t hold down a solid job, i have a horrible time meeting new people, i can barely look people in the eyes, etc. I’m going to give therapy a shot and see if it goes anywhere. What I’ve been doing to try to cope with it is going on a lot of walks, sleeping on a better sleep schedule (even tho i am up at like 5 am rn LOL) & trying to learn new breathing techniques and ways to change your mindset. It’s pretty hard to find exactly what you’re looking for.

Just try to remember this. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Truly.

 

[natu]

does anyone else reminisce about the past 24/7 because the present sucks and they have no good/happy future to look forward to? or only my depressed self

 

[Zentrius]

i realized over a month ago that i only talk to people because i am the one that strats the conversations

made an experiment two weeks ago to not starts conversations at all and just let people reach out to me

two weeks later, and no texts have been received

it sucks so much how you can give a lot for friendships you thought were genuine, close and real to receive nothing in exchange.

 

[LucosDICampos]

I have been getting down recently over the fact that because of a small error smogon forums made with my name, people keep calling me DIC or DICK. "Hey, there goes DICK again, hey, look at DICK". It really bothers me because it has even transitioned to real life now. I'm really not a dick, I'm a nice guy. Quite depressing how people can't see you for who you really are.

 

[Bhris Brown]

So i've recently started taking pills again just because the depression is getting too hard to cope with.

I started getting close to a female, things were going swimmingly well, then after a few days she just stopped contacting me overall and left me like i was nothing and ran off with another guy. Sometimes I just wonder why i'm not good enough for anyone and everyone just uses me until they got what they wanted.

Don't be like me folks, Pills and alcohol is never the answer.

 

[Vyz]

To be quite honest, I don't know how I get through my periods of depression. I don't have constant depression however I do have major anxiety which may offset depressive episodes. Generally emotions don't come natural to me so when depressive episodes happen to insert themselves in my life, it's bad. The main thing I do to cope is exercise and I can say that it's done wonders. Alas, this isn't everybody's go-to but when you're physically releasing all emotions it feels much better.

I have bad social anxiety as well.

 

[ilesaural]

Getting place because I find this thread interesting

 

[lighthouses]

You dont need to talk to him directly about it, no matter how hard you try you wont come up with a solution that will magically save the day, its also highly unlikely that anything you say hasnt already crossed that persons mind. Hurting yourself is a coping mechanism, i know its cliche but just try to be there for him and offer comfort whenever needed, being close to and trusting a good friend can go a long way in easing whatever it is that your friend is trying to cope with. Suggesting therapy is probably the way to go but its also not something so simple, id imagine it would be super hard to open up about this stuff to family and close relatives(especially considering not everyone has super understanding parents and the nature of the mental health system as a whole in the us). I dont think theres any one right thing to do in your situation, just try to lend an ear whenevers needed(its needed a lot) and help out where you can. He might just need someone to reach out to.
This all might be completely dumb and useless advice but id figured its best if i say something at least given that you didnt receive a single reply.
I originally came here to complain about life and stuff as you do but this is probably more worth my time.
Peace

 

[Ashaebi]

Depression? I personally am not experiencing this condition but my sister has been battling this condition for nearly a year now. After graduating from college with an accounting and financing degree she's been unemployed for nearly a year now considering the region we are in there is a massive surplus of fresh grads holding this degree and are competing for a very limited of employment jobs within this field. Currently lost all motivation to do exercise, been eating a lot of junk food lately and is afraid to socialise with her friends. I'm kinda heartbroken to hear </3 ;w;

 

[HailFall]

So I've been in college for about a week now, and I'm feeling very, very depressed. I'm uncomfortable in the heat. My bed feels like a rock. I don't have any friends, not even friendly faces like in high school. I feel tired all the time, and I feel too tired to do things I used to love like gaming. Hell, I feel too tired to eat sometimes, and even though I'm not eating much and getting in a lot of exercise I don't ever feel hungry. My classes aren't bad but they aren't exactly exciting either. The lack of privacy and relaxation in my own room hits me pretty hard. Even when I go to sleep im plagued with upsetting dreams and I wake up many times each night.

This is just a really really hard change for me. I don't remember the last time I've felt this thoroughly depressed and lonely.

I don't have a single friend, and my parents are the only ones who give half a shit about me. But I only see them on weekends.

This whole thing is just so exhausting. I don't see how things could get any better

 

[v]

I literally can't imagine not having friends, ppl always say it but I have assumed hyperbole. like, dont u just make friends by being in classes with ppl or seeing the same ppl on the quad or in clubs? what about ur roommate, i bet they are a member of a social group you could wheedle your way into. idk, freshman year of college is like the easiest time in the world to make friends so if you cant do it there, you might just be screwed, dude.

 

[Oglemi]

You're also only a week in, that's no reason to have such a bleak outlook on things. I felt super lonely my first couple weeks or so in college as well, I cried myself to sleep my first night, and my roommate was totally absent for the first few weeks and then after that was only there to sleep. I also had no friends from high school around. It took me until about October after having moved in in August to say that I had actually made a friend.

Eventually, I made more friends with the people on my floor in the dorms by hanging out in the den/lounge area, and just chilling out. If you're an introvert, like me, eventually an extrovert will talk to you if you make yourself approachable. Keep the door to your room open when you can to make yourself more inviting. Play video games with people, or board/card games if they're into it, CaH (or Apples to Apples depending on the crowd) is a great icebreaker.

College is exhausting; it's a gigantic change. But you have to take steps to make them better. Get a bed comforter, they sell them at Target/Wal-Mart/etc. Get a nice big box fan so your room isn't so hot. Set up a blanket wall or something to get a feeling of privacy in your room if you need it. Explore the campus and look for clubs and stuff to join, or talk to a counselor.

I'm not going to equate depression to "just needing more sunshine" or some dumb shit since I know it's chemical imbalances in the brain, but if you wallow in self-pity you'll only continue to wallow if you don't make some kind of effort. And it's not a race to happiness, don't compare yourself to others. Make friends at your own pace, find something that you enjoy doing. Focus on your classes. It'll be fine.

 

[HailFall]

I rlly mean it when I say I don't have friends, it's not an exaggeration. I have roommates but we don't talk to each other really except for things like "do you mind if I turn off the light". I eat all my meals alone, I walk to classes alone, I never text anyone (ppl always think it's weird I don't remember my own phone number), and I never really chat with people. It was that way in high school too. I don't think I've ever been invited to a party excluding like birthday parties in elementary school. I have no meaningful relationships with anyone outside my immediate family. I don't think I'm that awful to talk to (maybe I'm biased idk) but it's always small talk. The only real social interaction I get is online, with people who tolerate me, but that isn't really the same as having true genuine friends.

 

[the pugilist]

I don't think I'm that awful to talk to

Matthew

For real though, I've gone down a similar road, albeit in Australia which has a much better healthcare system than USA as far as I know. First thing, I would ask your university about counselling services- hopefully they should be free. Maybe you might need to go to to a psych or something, your posts in this thread have been red flags to me but yeah, I can't stress that you seek counselling and see what they have to say.

The second is why are you at uni? If you're there because you want to be, all the more power to you but if you're just there because 'people go to uni after high school', especially considering you have problems underlying college, I'd rec taking a break. I think if you're forcing it on top of preexisiting issues you are going to have a bad time. That being said though, first week is pretty much a meet and greet - you havent really scratched surface of what the course is about. In Australia we have a system where if you drop out of anything before census date (beginning of the 5th week), you don't pay for it. If the USA has something similiar, i think its reasonable to wait a little. I think this also gives you a bunch of time to adjust and talk to people, who knows. Maybe it will get better.

Also I've found people are generally just as awkward as you are and really appreciate it if you just say hello to them. It actually makes a difference and can at least give you some people to hang with in classes so you dont feel alone. You start to see the same people over and over again, so you get a little more comfortable with it. Often at times I'd have to force myself but I was usually pretty happy with it. Also I can't stress the rec of going to groups or social events or whatever - anything you're interested in, really reduces the stress levels. With a sports or arts group it also that helps that you have something to communicate to people with besides words.

Finally, if you have someone to talk to that you trust, venting helps a ton. At the very least I'm here - we're not that close but I'm willing to listen and type TriHard 7.

This post is a mess but hopefully it helps, wishing you the best.

 

[Fishin]

I literally can't imagine not having friends, ppl always say it but I have assumed hyperbole. like, dont u just make friends by being in classes with ppl or seeing the same ppl on the quad or in clubs? what about ur roommate, i bet they are a member of a social group you could wheedle your way into. idk, freshman year of college is like the easiest time in the world to make friends so if you cant do it there, you might just be screwed, dude.

I remember reading in a recent survey that close to 1/4 of people considered themselves to have no real close friends

it doesn't bother me personally, I've been that way for so long that it's hard to imagine otherwise, though I'm lucky to have coworkers I can have pretty chill conversations with, I feel like having some in-person social interaction is a lot better than none compared to basically none some of the time back when I was in college. Been more worried about physical health issues, in particular I have something that seems like listening fatigue (ie my ears start to hurt after listening to pretty much anything for awhile, which is usually a symptom of hearing loss but that doesn't seem to be the case and doctors/tests haven't been able to come up with much thus far) which makes it really difficult to enjoy a lot of basic recreation like music/videos/games.

 

[Tapu Koko Loko]

I literally can't imagine not having friends, ppl always say it but I have assumed hyperbole. like, dont u just make friends by being in classes with ppl or seeing the same ppl on the quad or in clubs? what about ur roommate, i bet they are a member of a social group you could wheedle your way into. idk, freshman year of college is like the easiest time in the world to make friends so if you cant do it there, you might just be screwed, dude.

I've only had two actual friends ever, and that was over 14 years ago. That doesn't mean I can't get along with my classmates or co-workers, I do, fairly well I think, but I simply don't know how to start a friendship by myself. My first two years of college were hell because of that, a couple of months in I had failed to adapt to the higher standards of effort that uni demanded and to make any sort of acquaintance.

 

[Ashaebi]

I've only had two actual friends ever, and that was over 14 years ago. That doesn't mean I can't get along with my classmates or co-workers, I do, fairly well I think, but I simply don't know how to start a friendship by myself. My first two years of college were hell because of that, a couple of months in I had failed to adapt to the higher standards of effort that uni demanded and to make any sort of acquaintance.

I'm sorry to hear that :( Maybe you can find and seek opportunities to meet people you feel like you can get along easier? Or maybe have the bravery to talk to anyone? Good luck to ya anyway!

 

[ehT]

[TW: Suicide]

I've lived with depression in some capacity virtually all my life. It's been 2 years since I last had any sort of suicidal ideation, and 2 and a half since my last attempt. That streak ended this week. This last two nights I just laid in bed and stared into my closet and thought about locking myself in there with a belt and not coming out. I had to ask as many friends as I could to check on me and keep me accountable. I didn't do anything—every time I moved to get up, it felt like I was paralyzed—but I surprised myself with how quickly and how dramatically I fell into my old depressive rut.

They say living with mental illness gets easier the longer you deal with it, and I think that’s true in the sense that you learn how to cope. You also learn to sense when it's depression talking and when it's not; it was 100% my depression talking this week when I told myself I needed to die to protect the people I love. Having been through this many peaks and valleys has given me a sense of where I am in a given moment, and I can anticipate a wave of depression coming or going. When I start to get that feeling, I reach out to people now almost reflexively. I have a system to stay safe that I made myself, and I consider that an accomplishment.

That said, nothing I can do will make depression itself any less shit. I was totally prepared this week, but I still had a crisis and I still spiraled. It's humiliating knowing that no matter how much I prepare, depression will always be stronger than me, and it will have its way with me until it's done. No amount of self-awareness will make death any less alluring when I'm at my worst. No number of people asking if I'm OK will convince me in that moment that they care, let alone that they should. It's exhausting knowing that this is my life. My last depressive episode was 3 years. I don't know if I can take losing that much of my life to depression a second time. I don't know if I can stand living in constant anticipation of my next low point. I don’t know if I can stand not knowing how long it’ll be until I feel better again. I just want to be OK without living in fear of this ungodly thing I can mitigate, but never control.