edit: i just read this over and its really not a great representative of how everything was going on at once... i tried my best to explain it in words but the simultaneous feelings plus so much more i wasn't able to go into detail about really cannot be explained... try to read this as my life through my condition and how its affecting my severe depression and how ive been trying to better myself
RNGIsFatal
Look. I understand that I'm still sort of a meme in the Smogon community (particularly OMs, where you also hail from) for reasons very similar to yours, but I felt extremely compelled to post here because I felt like I related to your story on a deep level. First, let me give some personal background and explain why I sympathize with you so much, then I will directly address you in an attempt to comfort you. - I'm coming back to this sentence after I've completed the post and while things are mostly about me because I was compelled to share my story, I still want to reach out to RNG and others who may have gone through similar things.
My entire life has been a horrendous experience dealing with terrible parents of my own, my mother in particular is a control freak who is emotionally, verbally, and often physically abusive who I honestly believe had my best interests in mind, however diluted they are / were. I had no childhood, my entire life through grade school and middle school I was forced to practice the piano intensely for four to six hours a day, my record was nearly nine hours of practice in a single day. While I am very good at the piano and I wouldn't want to go into anything but the music industry, I hate playing the piano in any serious manner. I was a kid who cared way too much about what people think - I still do, I've talked to people like
Fardin (who was there for me at one of my low points when nobody else was. thanks bro you're a real one) and Ransei and others, and even people who I'm not exactly in a place to call friends but were here for me when I was going through things, about this and some of my other issues. I'll delve into that later.
I was constantly bullied in middle school for being extremely unathletic (something that i shouldn't have cared about and neither should the people who bullied me) and honestly annoying which I in retrospect admit that I was. Those of you who know me know I can be like that. Along with the pressure of my mother and my father, who was not as bad as my mother was constantly away and when he was home he was always, well, my mom's bitch to put it in the most accurate terms possible.
I also compose music, so that was my escape along with my friends on another forum where i was surprisingly popular but was eventually banned for garnering too many infractions (they were far stricter and "cleaner" than smogon is). I enjoyed playing mafia there so when I got banned I checked out the PS! mafia room since I had been on PS! once and saw it in passing. I met a lot of great people there, including the previously mentioned
ToxicMahShroom and
Wob who became my first friends in the community. I played a lot of games of mafia there and had a lot of fun but back then (almost 2 years ago at this point) I cared about things like roomauth (lol) and all my friends kept getting promoted and then I felt sort of left out and then resulted to things like a bit of trolling.
PS! at that point became an escape for me. I continued with my life in music where I had severe tendentious multiple times and more and more complications happened (such as a tendon in my right hand being compressed and grinding against the bone causing my finger to snap and get stuck for periods of time) to the point of me requiring surgery in my right hand, which to this date has not healed properly. I am very injury prone, and have had a total of 5 concussions, at least one of which I can remember was from a self-inflicted injury as a result of an altercation with my mother and I believe another could have been as well. I can't remember.
My depression grew worse as I became frustrated with life and PS! things, I was obsessed with PS as my only escape from the life I hated and by this point I was having struggles on here as well, in Mafia I was blatantly abused and targeted by a certain staff member and roomstaff refused to acknowledge it as honestly, many of them (particularly the unfortunately pretty inactive roomowners at the time) were wrapped around his finger per se (he convinced my best friend to ban me despite me being told I was getting a second chance by staff which I was actually open to, no matter how toxic I was before), and he was only removed when globals stepped in and globally demoted him (for other reasons too I assume). By that point I was heavily invested in playing mons and was also being abused by another staff member in another room and which I won't say who, but because a mutual friend of ours took a break he started treating me horribly and humiliating me, and some fellow roomstaff would follow suit.
There was whole bias against me in the othermetas community (which I will say, I was pretty awful, and while I've delved into my semi-recently diagnosed (less than a year now) bipolar disorder (the mood swing kind as a result of my depression, not the anger spike kind) I don't want to make it seem like an excuse for my annoyingness and general aggressive tone. I've gone off on my closest friends multiple times because I felt wronged in the moment and could have lost many friends to this. - Wob, I'm sorry about the times I've done this to you the most, you were my first and best friend and you've always been there to be my friend. Anyway, things started to build up, I started snapping back at people who "teased" me or just attacked me for no reason. I ended up quitting OM's completely for a period of about 6 months, due to me getting sick of how people have treated me, in particular a certain global voice and PS! coder who I won't name names (kris, you'll probably get satisfaction from knowing you really got to me, but i really wish you were always like that time we built that megadoom uu team). I'm not trying to excuse my actions and how terrible of a meme I was (see: ompl thread) I only recently came back to OMs because of kind people like
Chloe and
Ransei (who by the way has always been there for me and never said a harsh thing to me and I've never said anything toxic or rude to him as well as far as I can remember, which goes to show that I really don't mistreat people who treat me with kindness. I can't verbalize how much I appreciate him.) who were extremely nice to me and were open to giving me a second chance, as well as a few other really cool friends (
cromagnet42 Zesty43 bdov you know who you are <3).
At home, it was terrible as usual. I was seeing an extremely manipulative doctor and my parents ended up forcing me to go to a military school where i experienced the worst depression and series of suicidal thoughts I have ever had. I didn't receive my depression medication for almost the first two weeks I was there, and they have a whole initiation system that lasts for almost two months where they take your phones and all electronics not used for school, standing at attention for hours at a time no matter how hot or the situation, constant in-your-face yelling, spontaneous PT sessions (physical training sessions, used as a punishment for the most trivial things such as not marching with your arms swinging or not squaring your meals at attention or looking around at attention. It was always collective group punishment too, meaning you'd get punished for things other people did) and it general hell honestly. I can't even state how bad it was. Once the initiation period is over things do improve however. But during that time I considered killing myself at multiple times but due to my circumstances I was always being watched and didn't have any means necessary. It came to one point where i had an opportunity but it hit me that killing myself would be the most selfish thing a person could do. Another tendency I have is that I feel morally obligated to other people but not myself, its why I'll never skip a band practice or a accompany session or show up to help somebody who needs it but I won't care about my grades or anything else that isn't letting somebody else down. It's a blessing but also a curse.
After I eventually made it through that time I had a lot of free time that I came back to PS actively again. However, I was having some issues with people getting annoyed with me causing me to bounce around tiers a lot and get extremely frustrated. I made posts lacking knowledge in an effort to get people to think better of me, and things just backfired often and I got made fun of. OMs, AG, and eventually with NU it happened to the point where I got so frustrated that I didn't know what to do. I know these people don't really know me as a friend and I'm very insignificant to them, but both
Disjunction and
Sir Kay kindly encouraged me and helped me understand what I needed to change when I expressed how I felt and I'm incredibly grateful to both of for putting me in what I would consider a turning point in my (seemingly insignificant to others but not to me) life that I lived on smogon and PS to escape the one that was around me.
Thats really all of my story that I can honestly write at the moment, its pretty long.
Now,
RNGIsFatal:
While I have my issues and I still have problems (I had one last night, to be completely honest.), I think I've improved. I've tried to improve. I used the positive presences around me and clung to them and learned from them. I found out who was really my friend and I found out who wasn't, and I tried harder to not seek approval from everybody. You can't get them all to like you or accept you and thats just how it is gonna be.
Don't think that you can't improve and that people won't give you a second chance so you should keep on doing whats clearly not working, because that's not true! I had the exact same mentality for too long and especially in mafia and OMs I found people who were willing to give me another chance, because if you put in effort and they see that then they will too. I've seen your recent improvement, and I believe you can continue on this road.
As to your suicide attempt, you're not weak at all. Following through with it would be weaker than anything. Continuing on and persevering despite the troubles you have makes you stronger than you know. You're stronger than you know. Keep it up buddy.
I gave a lot of shoutouts here and there are a lot more that I didn't mention, and I want people to know that I'm thankful for the things they have done for me, no matter how small.