I have been getting down recently over the fact that because of a small error smogon forums made with my name, people keep calling me DIC or DICK. "Hey, there goes DICK again, hey, look at DICK". It really bothers me because it has even transitioned to real life now. I'm really not a dick, I'm a nice guy. Quite depressing how people can't see you for who you really are.
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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
So i've recently started taking pills again just because the depression is getting too hard to cope with.
I started getting close to a female, things were going swimmingly well, then after a few days she just stopped contacting me overall and left me like i was nothing and ran off with another guy. Sometimes I just wonder why i'm not good enough for anyone and everyone just uses me until they got what they wanted.
Don't be like me folks, Pills and alcohol is never the answer.
I started getting close to a female, things were going swimmingly well, then after a few days she just stopped contacting me overall and left me like i was nothing and ran off with another guy. Sometimes I just wonder why i'm not good enough for anyone and everyone just uses me until they got what they wanted.
Don't be like me folks, Pills and alcohol is never the answer.
To be quite honest, I don't know how I get through my periods of depression. I don't have constant depression however I do have major anxiety which may offset depressive episodes. Generally emotions don't come natural to me so when depressive episodes happen to insert themselves in my life, it's bad. The main thing I do to cope is exercise and I can say that it's done wonders. Alas, this isn't everybody's go-to but when you're physically releasing all emotions it feels much better.
I have bad social anxiety as well.
I have bad social anxiety as well.
You dont need to talk to him directly about it, no matter how hard you try you wont come up with a solution that will magically save the day, its also highly unlikely that anything you say hasnt already crossed that persons mind. Hurting yourself is a coping mechanism, i know its cliche but just try to be there for him and offer comfort whenever needed, being close to and trusting a good friend can go a long way in easing whatever it is that your friend is trying to cope with. Suggesting therapy is probably the way to go but its also not something so simple, id imagine it would be super hard to open up about this stuff to family and close relatives(especially considering not everyone has super understanding parents and the nature of the mental health system as a whole in the us). I dont think theres any one right thing to do in your situation, just try to lend an ear whenevers needed(its needed a lot) and help out where you can. He might just need someone to reach out to.
This all might be completely dumb and useless advice but id figured its best if i say something at least given that you didnt receive a single reply.
I originally came here to complain about life and stuff as you do but this is probably more worth my time.
Peace
This all might be completely dumb and useless advice but id figured its best if i say something at least given that you didnt receive a single reply.
I originally came here to complain about life and stuff as you do but this is probably more worth my time.
Peace
Depression? I personally am not experiencing this condition but my sister has been battling this condition for nearly a year now. After graduating from college with an accounting and financing degree she's been unemployed for nearly a year now considering the region we are in there is a massive surplus of fresh grads holding this degree and are competing for a very limited of employment jobs within this field. Currently lost all motivation to do exercise, been eating a lot of junk food lately and is afraid to socialise with her friends. I'm kinda heartbroken to hear </3 ;w;
HailFall
my cancer is sun and my leo is moon
So I've been in college for about a week now, and I'm feeling very, very depressed. I'm uncomfortable in the heat. My bed feels like a rock. I don't have any friends, not even friendly faces like in high school. I feel tired all the time, and I feel too tired to do things I used to love like gaming. Hell, I feel too tired to eat sometimes, and even though I'm not eating much and getting in a lot of exercise I don't ever feel hungry. My classes aren't bad but they aren't exactly exciting either. The lack of privacy and relaxation in my own room hits me pretty hard. Even when I go to sleep im plagued with upsetting dreams and I wake up many times each night.
This is just a really really hard change for me. I don't remember the last time I've felt this thoroughly depressed and lonely.
I don't have a single friend, and my parents are the only ones who give half a shit about me. But I only see them on weekends.
This whole thing is just so exhausting. I don't see how things could get any better
This is just a really really hard change for me. I don't remember the last time I've felt this thoroughly depressed and lonely.
I don't have a single friend, and my parents are the only ones who give half a shit about me. But I only see them on weekends.
This whole thing is just so exhausting. I don't see how things could get any better
I literally can't imagine not having friends, ppl always say it but I have assumed hyperbole. like, dont u just make friends by being in classes with ppl or seeing the same ppl on the quad or in clubs? what about ur roommate, i bet they are a member of a social group you could wheedle your way into. idk, freshman year of college is like the easiest time in the world to make friends so if you cant do it there, you might just be screwed, dude.
You're also only a week in, that's no reason to have such a bleak outlook on things. I felt super lonely my first couple weeks or so in college as well, I cried myself to sleep my first night, and my roommate was totally absent for the first few weeks and then after that was only there to sleep. I also had no friends from high school around. It took me until about October after having moved in in August to say that I had actually made a friend.
Eventually, I made more friends with the people on my floor in the dorms by hanging out in the den/lounge area, and just chilling out. If you're an introvert, like me, eventually an extrovert will talk to you if you make yourself approachable. Keep the door to your room open when you can to make yourself more inviting. Play video games with people, or board/card games if they're into it, CaH (or Apples to Apples depending on the crowd) is a great icebreaker.
College is exhausting; it's a gigantic change. But you have to take steps to make them better. Get a bed comforter, they sell them at Target/Wal-Mart/etc. Get a nice big box fan so your room isn't so hot. Set up a blanket wall or something to get a feeling of privacy in your room if you need it. Explore the campus and look for clubs and stuff to join, or talk to a counselor.
I'm not going to equate depression to "just needing more sunshine" or some dumb shit since I know it's chemical imbalances in the brain, but if you wallow in self-pity you'll only continue to wallow if you don't make some kind of effort. And it's not a race to happiness, don't compare yourself to others. Make friends at your own pace, find something that you enjoy doing. Focus on your classes. It'll be fine.
Eventually, I made more friends with the people on my floor in the dorms by hanging out in the den/lounge area, and just chilling out. If you're an introvert, like me, eventually an extrovert will talk to you if you make yourself approachable. Keep the door to your room open when you can to make yourself more inviting. Play video games with people, or board/card games if they're into it, CaH (or Apples to Apples depending on the crowd) is a great icebreaker.
College is exhausting; it's a gigantic change. But you have to take steps to make them better. Get a bed comforter, they sell them at Target/Wal-Mart/etc. Get a nice big box fan so your room isn't so hot. Set up a blanket wall or something to get a feeling of privacy in your room if you need it. Explore the campus and look for clubs and stuff to join, or talk to a counselor.
I'm not going to equate depression to "just needing more sunshine" or some dumb shit since I know it's chemical imbalances in the brain, but if you wallow in self-pity you'll only continue to wallow if you don't make some kind of effort. And it's not a race to happiness, don't compare yourself to others. Make friends at your own pace, find something that you enjoy doing. Focus on your classes. It'll be fine.
HailFall
my cancer is sun and my leo is moon
I rlly mean it when I say I don't have friends, it's not an exaggeration. I have roommates but we don't talk to each other really except for things like "do you mind if I turn off the light". I eat all my meals alone, I walk to classes alone, I never text anyone (ppl always think it's weird I don't remember my own phone number), and I never really chat with people. It was that way in high school too. I don't think I've ever been invited to a party excluding like birthday parties in elementary school. I have no meaningful relationships with anyone outside my immediate family. I don't think I'm that awful to talk to (maybe I'm biased idk) but it's always small talk. The only real social interaction I get is online, with people who tolerate me, but that isn't really the same as having true genuine friends.
Matthew
For real though, I've gone down a similar road, albeit in Australia which has a much better healthcare system than USA as far as I know. First thing, I would ask your university about counselling services- hopefully they should be free. Maybe you might need to go to to a psych or something, your posts in this thread have been red flags to me but yeah, I can't stress that you seek counselling and see what they have to say.
The second is why are you at uni? If you're there because you want to be, all the more power to you but if you're just there because 'people go to uni after high school', especially considering you have problems underlying college, I'd rec taking a break. I think if you're forcing it on top of preexisiting issues you are going to have a bad time. That being said though, first week is pretty much a meet and greet - you havent really scratched surface of what the course is about. In Australia we have a system where if you drop out of anything before census date (beginning of the 5th week), you don't pay for it. If the USA has something similiar, i think its reasonable to wait a little. I think this also gives you a bunch of time to adjust and talk to people, who knows. Maybe it will get better.
Also I've found people are generally just as awkward as you are and really appreciate it if you just say hello to them. It actually makes a difference and can at least give you some people to hang with in classes so you dont feel alone. You start to see the same people over and over again, so you get a little more comfortable with it. Often at times I'd have to force myself but I was usually pretty happy with it. Also I can't stress the rec of going to groups or social events or whatever - anything you're interested in, really reduces the stress levels. With a sports or arts group it also that helps that you have something to communicate to people with besides words.
Finally, if you have someone to talk to that you trust, venting helps a ton. At the very least I'm here - we're not that close but I'm willing to listen and type TriHard 7.
This post is a mess but hopefully it helps, wishing you the best.
I remember reading in a recent survey that close to 1/4 of people considered themselves to have no real close friends
it doesn't bother me personally, I've been that way for so long that it's hard to imagine otherwise, though I'm lucky to have coworkers I can have pretty chill conversations with, I feel like having some in-person social interaction is a lot better than none compared to basically none some of the time back when I was in college. Been more worried about physical health issues, in particular I have something that seems like listening fatigue (ie my ears start to hurt after listening to pretty much anything for awhile, which is usually a symptom of hearing loss but that doesn't seem to be the case and doctors/tests haven't been able to come up with much thus far) which makes it really difficult to enjoy a lot of basic recreation like music/videos/games.
I've only had two actual friends ever, and that was over 14 years ago. That doesn't mean I can't get along with my classmates or co-workers, I do, fairly well I think, but I simply don't know how to start a friendship by myself. My first two years of college were hell because of that, a couple of months in I had failed to adapt to the higher standards of effort that uni demanded and to make any sort of acquaintance.
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I'm sorry to hear that :( Maybe you can find and seek opportunities to meet people you feel like you can get along easier? Or maybe have the bravery to talk to anyone? Good luck to ya anyway!
[TW: Suicide]
I've lived with depression in some capacity virtually all my life. It's been 2 years since I last had any sort of suicidal ideation, and 2 and a half since my last attempt. That streak ended this week. This last two nights I just laid in bed and stared into my closet and thought about locking myself in there with a belt and not coming out. I had to ask as many friends as I could to check on me and keep me accountable. I didn't do anything—every time I moved to get up, it felt like I was paralyzed—but I surprised myself with how quickly and how dramatically I fell into my old depressive rut.
They say living with mental illness gets easier the longer you deal with it, and I think that’s true in the sense that you learn how to cope. You also learn to sense when it's depression talking and when it's not; it was 100% my depression talking this week when I told myself I needed to die to protect the people I love. Having been through this many peaks and valleys has given me a sense of where I am in a given moment, and I can anticipate a wave of depression coming or going. When I start to get that feeling, I reach out to people now almost reflexively. I have a system to stay safe that I made myself, and I consider that an accomplishment.
That said, nothing I can do will make depression itself any less shit. I was totally prepared this week, but I still had a crisis and I still spiraled. It's humiliating knowing that no matter how much I prepare, depression will always be stronger than me, and it will have its way with me until it's done. No amount of self-awareness will make death any less alluring when I'm at my worst. No number of people asking if I'm OK will convince me in that moment that they care, let alone that they should. It's exhausting knowing that this is my life. My last depressive episode was 3 years. I don't know if I can take losing that much of my life to depression a second time. I don't know if I can stand living in constant anticipation of my next low point. I don’t know if I can stand not knowing how long it’ll be until I feel better again. I just want to be OK without living in fear of this ungodly thing I can mitigate, but never control.
I've lived with depression in some capacity virtually all my life. It's been 2 years since I last had any sort of suicidal ideation, and 2 and a half since my last attempt. That streak ended this week. This last two nights I just laid in bed and stared into my closet and thought about locking myself in there with a belt and not coming out. I had to ask as many friends as I could to check on me and keep me accountable. I didn't do anything—every time I moved to get up, it felt like I was paralyzed—but I surprised myself with how quickly and how dramatically I fell into my old depressive rut.
They say living with mental illness gets easier the longer you deal with it, and I think that’s true in the sense that you learn how to cope. You also learn to sense when it's depression talking and when it's not; it was 100% my depression talking this week when I told myself I needed to die to protect the people I love. Having been through this many peaks and valleys has given me a sense of where I am in a given moment, and I can anticipate a wave of depression coming or going. When I start to get that feeling, I reach out to people now almost reflexively. I have a system to stay safe that I made myself, and I consider that an accomplishment.
That said, nothing I can do will make depression itself any less shit. I was totally prepared this week, but I still had a crisis and I still spiraled. It's humiliating knowing that no matter how much I prepare, depression will always be stronger than me, and it will have its way with me until it's done. No amount of self-awareness will make death any less alluring when I'm at my worst. No number of people asking if I'm OK will convince me in that moment that they care, let alone that they should. It's exhausting knowing that this is my life. My last depressive episode was 3 years. I don't know if I can take losing that much of my life to depression a second time. I don't know if I can stand living in constant anticipation of my next low point. I don’t know if I can stand not knowing how long it’ll be until I feel better again. I just want to be OK without living in fear of this ungodly thing I can mitigate, but never control.
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eht I don't know what exactly is going on with you and I won't pretend that I do. But please allow me to talk about myself because it sounds like that symptoms of the struggle you are going to are quite similar to mine. My emotional turbulence got particularly worse today and I was reminded of the existence of your post above.
I don't necessarily suffer from depression (or hell, I might be mildly suffering from it but I never got a chance to diagnose myself except looking up some online shit couple times). It all started from when I was 10 year old in elementary school. During lunch recess, I was one of the nonchalant, happy boy who enjoyed running around the field on a regular basis. I thought the happiness will last forever until I bumped into this guy who proceeded to bully me for next 5 years. He had a huge circlejerk behind himself that the school faculties were too untalented to get rid of, and after getting beaten up during lunch recess, the rest of the days in the elementary school was a torture. I was very talkative, or rather, a loud boy until that beatup happened. While I physically recovered quickly, the beating had too much damage left in my memory. Once in every few days, I woke up from my sleep from nightmare sweating. It always led to me bursting into tears for at least half an hour in the middle of the night. When I told my parents about this, they wouldn't believe me and they would rather reprimand me for doing something else in the middle of the night and trying to come up with excuses. I couldn't even tell on teachers because one, I was a coward, and two, there were some death threats from the bully that I won't even mention because of how unspeakable they were. Fortunately, he was arrested after going to middle school and he will hopefully spend the rest of his life under surveillance of whatever the institution that decided to take a punitive action.
The whole chain of events I had to go through in elementary school made me suffer from being unable to sleep for the 6 months in middle school, which got worse after I have moved to a different side of the Earth. I had to continue sticking with my unempathetic family with barely anyone who would ever understand my shitty English to ever give me a break from the general sadness and sleep deprivation. At some point, my older sibling pretty much replaced the bully I had to deal with in elementary school and started using me as a toy. Everyday I spent during middle school started with a prayer that I won't be beaten or be insulted when my parents were not in the house or during the night. I was too weak to bear with another ordeal and that led me to the point where I got less than 3 hours of sleep per day and I forgot how to smile.
This is where my questions about committing suicide came in. Within less than the first year I moved to US, I made about 4 attempts to end myself. This included drowning, intentionally avoiding to drink water for a day or two, and more. Every time my attempt failed, I fell into a deeper despair with a thought that I am too weak to be courageous enough to end myself quick by using something sharp instead of doing something that takes more than a few minutes, and moreso, I was too much of a weakling to deal with events that eventually pushed me to that point. Me around that time was a guy who struggled to get up from a chair on his own and needed about 5 hours of lying on bed to ever grow drowsy enough to fall asleep. In fact, I continuously waited for the next moment I could end myself because I was honestly curious about whether my attempt will be successful this time or not.
It was 1584th day of me being unable to sleep right when I heard that my grandmother, who is the only one in my family tree who actually treats me as a human being, almost died and ended up with Alzheimer, losing most of her memory. When I overheard the phone call in 2:47 AM in the middle of the night, I was terrified to the point where tears started rolling down from my eyes immediately and blood came out at the same time due to the wound next to my eye that was not yet healed from the beating that happened a few hours ago. I quickly ran to the restroom with a thought I should quietly cry so that I won't wake everyone up in my house. I thought it was perhaps the best chance that I can end myself if I could open the wound and let it bleed until I die of hemorrhage. I turned the light on to identify the exact spot of my wound. The light came out, and I suddenly saw myself in the mirror. It was just a 16 year old kid with a mixture of tear and blood rolling down from his face. It was nothing other than a teen who wanted to end himself because no one around him will ever understand what is going inside in his head and will rather mock him if he ever dares to talk about his suffering. I was rather mad at myself at that point because I never attempted to ever get out of the loop and was sitting in the toilet in the middle of the night, thinking I was in a struggle that I cannot overcome.
While that night didn't necessarily improve my overall situation, it at least forced me to move on and try being a more rational human being. The hatred I once had towards myself turned into a catalyst that got me out of the loop of sleep deprivation. Though it lessened problems with sleep deprivation, it ended up shaping me as a person who is very skeptical and overall quite pessimistic.
I still fear about the next 'strike' of a sudden surge of sadness that always gets me during the middle of the night, and I don't know if that will throw me back in the loop again. But I know that if I managed to survive this long cycle of stress, lack of sleep, and a few suicide attempts when I was even less mature than I am right now, I have a good chance to make it through.
It always seemed to me that life is you vs. the world. Whatever you are facing against, it will be stronger against you. Perhaps the short depression I had might have been stronger than myself. But I don't think you make through your life by necessarily be stronger than something. It is a matter of how many times you get up when you get wrecked. If you are inherently stronger than an obstacle that gets in your way, you are not struggling with it at all. I believe struggle comes from dueling anything that is stronger than myself, and the ultimate goal is to survive the duel instead of necessarily winning it. Perhaps me when I was 13 tried to force myself to win the duel, making me go ahead of myself and worsening the situation as a whole.
I don't know who you are. I have probably seen you the first time when you earned yourself a ladybug. I'm truly sorry if my wall of text didn't do any good, but I was rather feeling oddly familiar to see someone who is bright on the outside but has a deep dark things going on inside. If there are people who need / like / know you, and whether you get to see them in real life or here, that probably means you still have so many worthwhile things left to do. I tried to make myself actually able to go to sleep and when I tried to fill the void in the middle of the night when I know I can't really sleep, I found this website. Perhaps the community you currently dwell in can be a catalyst for your escape from the loop of depression.
It's 1 AM for me and I'm tired so I'll stop here before my writing becomes worse. I meant to vent here about my life after arguing with my parents for 3 hours and writing some profanities on the paper but I remembered that someone here is going through something similar. Anyways, know that at least one person you see in this website will be down to talk with you for an hour (longer if my schedule allows me to) with you about anything. I do this a lot with my high school friends who have as shitty life as I did years ago. I can share more experiences about how so many people threw me off. Lastly, I wish you luck.
I don't necessarily suffer from depression (or hell, I might be mildly suffering from it but I never got a chance to diagnose myself except looking up some online shit couple times). It all started from when I was 10 year old in elementary school. During lunch recess, I was one of the nonchalant, happy boy who enjoyed running around the field on a regular basis. I thought the happiness will last forever until I bumped into this guy who proceeded to bully me for next 5 years. He had a huge circlejerk behind himself that the school faculties were too untalented to get rid of, and after getting beaten up during lunch recess, the rest of the days in the elementary school was a torture. I was very talkative, or rather, a loud boy until that beatup happened. While I physically recovered quickly, the beating had too much damage left in my memory. Once in every few days, I woke up from my sleep from nightmare sweating. It always led to me bursting into tears for at least half an hour in the middle of the night. When I told my parents about this, they wouldn't believe me and they would rather reprimand me for doing something else in the middle of the night and trying to come up with excuses. I couldn't even tell on teachers because one, I was a coward, and two, there were some death threats from the bully that I won't even mention because of how unspeakable they were. Fortunately, he was arrested after going to middle school and he will hopefully spend the rest of his life under surveillance of whatever the institution that decided to take a punitive action.
The whole chain of events I had to go through in elementary school made me suffer from being unable to sleep for the 6 months in middle school, which got worse after I have moved to a different side of the Earth. I had to continue sticking with my unempathetic family with barely anyone who would ever understand my shitty English to ever give me a break from the general sadness and sleep deprivation. At some point, my older sibling pretty much replaced the bully I had to deal with in elementary school and started using me as a toy. Everyday I spent during middle school started with a prayer that I won't be beaten or be insulted when my parents were not in the house or during the night. I was too weak to bear with another ordeal and that led me to the point where I got less than 3 hours of sleep per day and I forgot how to smile.
This is where my questions about committing suicide came in. Within less than the first year I moved to US, I made about 4 attempts to end myself. This included drowning, intentionally avoiding to drink water for a day or two, and more. Every time my attempt failed, I fell into a deeper despair with a thought that I am too weak to be courageous enough to end myself quick by using something sharp instead of doing something that takes more than a few minutes, and moreso, I was too much of a weakling to deal with events that eventually pushed me to that point. Me around that time was a guy who struggled to get up from a chair on his own and needed about 5 hours of lying on bed to ever grow drowsy enough to fall asleep. In fact, I continuously waited for the next moment I could end myself because I was honestly curious about whether my attempt will be successful this time or not.
It was 1584th day of me being unable to sleep right when I heard that my grandmother, who is the only one in my family tree who actually treats me as a human being, almost died and ended up with Alzheimer, losing most of her memory. When I overheard the phone call in 2:47 AM in the middle of the night, I was terrified to the point where tears started rolling down from my eyes immediately and blood came out at the same time due to the wound next to my eye that was not yet healed from the beating that happened a few hours ago. I quickly ran to the restroom with a thought I should quietly cry so that I won't wake everyone up in my house. I thought it was perhaps the best chance that I can end myself if I could open the wound and let it bleed until I die of hemorrhage. I turned the light on to identify the exact spot of my wound. The light came out, and I suddenly saw myself in the mirror. It was just a 16 year old kid with a mixture of tear and blood rolling down from his face. It was nothing other than a teen who wanted to end himself because no one around him will ever understand what is going inside in his head and will rather mock him if he ever dares to talk about his suffering. I was rather mad at myself at that point because I never attempted to ever get out of the loop and was sitting in the toilet in the middle of the night, thinking I was in a struggle that I cannot overcome.
While that night didn't necessarily improve my overall situation, it at least forced me to move on and try being a more rational human being. The hatred I once had towards myself turned into a catalyst that got me out of the loop of sleep deprivation. Though it lessened problems with sleep deprivation, it ended up shaping me as a person who is very skeptical and overall quite pessimistic.
I still fear about the next 'strike' of a sudden surge of sadness that always gets me during the middle of the night, and I don't know if that will throw me back in the loop again. But I know that if I managed to survive this long cycle of stress, lack of sleep, and a few suicide attempts when I was even less mature than I am right now, I have a good chance to make it through.
It always seemed to me that life is you vs. the world. Whatever you are facing against, it will be stronger against you. Perhaps the short depression I had might have been stronger than myself. But I don't think you make through your life by necessarily be stronger than something. It is a matter of how many times you get up when you get wrecked. If you are inherently stronger than an obstacle that gets in your way, you are not struggling with it at all. I believe struggle comes from dueling anything that is stronger than myself, and the ultimate goal is to survive the duel instead of necessarily winning it. Perhaps me when I was 13 tried to force myself to win the duel, making me go ahead of myself and worsening the situation as a whole.
I don't know who you are. I have probably seen you the first time when you earned yourself a ladybug. I'm truly sorry if my wall of text didn't do any good, but I was rather feeling oddly familiar to see someone who is bright on the outside but has a deep dark things going on inside. If there are people who need / like / know you, and whether you get to see them in real life or here, that probably means you still have so many worthwhile things left to do. I tried to make myself actually able to go to sleep and when I tried to fill the void in the middle of the night when I know I can't really sleep, I found this website. Perhaps the community you currently dwell in can be a catalyst for your escape from the loop of depression.
It's 1 AM for me and I'm tired so I'll stop here before my writing becomes worse. I meant to vent here about my life after arguing with my parents for 3 hours and writing some profanities on the paper but I remembered that someone here is going through something similar. Anyways, know that at least one person you see in this website will be down to talk with you for an hour (longer if my schedule allows me to) with you about anything. I do this a lot with my high school friends who have as shitty life as I did years ago. I can share more experiences about how so many people threw me off. Lastly, I wish you luck.
Raidx
Banned deucer.
I just had a breakdown a little while ago for the first time, and as i write i still haven't fully calmed yet. For months i doubted me being depressed despite both my nurse practitioners and therapist agreeing I display symptoms of depression. Anyways, as petty and immature as it sounds, after reading a message "sarcastically" asking about my social issues (i have social anxiety which can potentially devastate my future), i immediately got emotional and broke down into tears. It's the first time I've cried in years and the fact that it's from some insignificant chat log makes me feel even worse. I vented with a friend shortly after and she gave good support as usual but i'm still in tears as im writing this. This is the point where i realized i most likely do have depression, and it's hitting me hard.
Sorry for such a long sob story, that's uncharacteristic of me but i couldnt help but get that out of me, and I hope for the best to all those who also suffer from depression since i realized how brutal this really is
Sorry for such a long sob story, that's uncharacteristic of me but i couldnt help but get that out of me, and I hope for the best to all those who also suffer from depression since i realized how brutal this really is
Hey Raidx. I don't know you, but for what it's worth, a lot of depressed people have impostor syndrome with regards to their illness, myself included. People can get used to anything, especially if it's something they've dealt with alone for a long time. When it first occurred to me that I was dealing with depression, it took so much work to reframe my experience in my mind as something that wasn't entirely my fault. Despite thinking constantly that I was a failure and unworthy of life, I thought of every possible rationalization to explain why this constant sadness wasn't really a big deal.
"I'm fine. If I just grow a spine and pull myself up by my bootstraps I'll be back to normal." Never mind that I hadn't felt "normal" for years.
"Everybody hurts and I'm the only one complaining. Why can't I just shut up and be like everyone else?" I was too busy blaming myself to make the connection that wanting to die isn't "like everyone else".
"I have all this wealth and support and privilege. I have no excuse to feel this way."
... Depression doesn't care who you are.
More than anything, people are scared of losing their sense of control, however fleeting and however fabricated. It lets them believe their problems aren't real. But the first step is admitting you have a problem. That it's OK to not be OK. You took that step today. Good on you.
"I'm fine. If I just grow a spine and pull myself up by my bootstraps I'll be back to normal." Never mind that I hadn't felt "normal" for years.
"Everybody hurts and I'm the only one complaining. Why can't I just shut up and be like everyone else?" I was too busy blaming myself to make the connection that wanting to die isn't "like everyone else".
"I have all this wealth and support and privilege. I have no excuse to feel this way."
... Depression doesn't care who you are.
More than anything, people are scared of losing their sense of control, however fleeting and however fabricated. It lets them believe their problems aren't real. But the first step is admitting you have a problem. That it's OK to not be OK. You took that step today. Good on you.
Raidx
Banned deucer.
Well the impostor syndrome doesn't apply to me, i never even knew it existed. But before yesterday I never had any moments where i felt like i was sad or anything, but ever since my meltdown it's changed and now I'm still feeling down. The things which didn't bother me at all before are now all of a sudden killing me. Also i've been frustrated all day today and i can't even explain why, this depression shit is so weird and i don't understand what's really even going on anymore. I'm telling my np and therapist about all of this bcus im worried my depression might lead me to do some unwanted things in the future
That makes sense. A lot of mental health problems won’t start to consciously bother you until you’ve shone a light on them, and it’ll feel like they came out of nowhere. Like you spilled a bottle of ink all over your brain. Depression doesn’t always manifest as sadness, either. You said you had anxiety. I do, too. Oftentimes my depression and my anxiety will stalemate and just create this general sense of frustrated detachment. All of this is normal. You've done well to tell professionals about this.
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Lift, take sports, anything that is physically strenuous.
You're spending too much time thinking and not using your God-given testosterone to do something so you feel weak and useless. We weren't meant to sit on desks all day, and (assuming you're not at work) if you are feeling depressed do 20 pushups. It also conditions your brain to do something when you're stressed/saddened and not cower down.
Growing into adolescence is rough especially without a father, but I know you can make something of yourself despite it. Sounds like some cheesy anime stuff but hey it's not wrong lol.
You're spending too much time thinking and not using your God-given testosterone to do something so you feel weak and useless. We weren't meant to sit on desks all day, and (assuming you're not at work) if you are feeling depressed do 20 pushups. It also conditions your brain to do something when you're stressed/saddened and not cower down.
Growing into adolescence is rough especially without a father, but I know you can make something of yourself despite it. Sounds like some cheesy anime stuff but hey it's not wrong lol.
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So I stumbled across this thread about 2 weeks ago by searching a fellow staff member of a room's name into the search bar (you know who you are) and seeing some of the replies from PS! frens (Raidx deetah eht ) made me want to post my story.
I don't think I have depression, and neither does my therapist. But if i somehow do have depression, it is that kind that comes in small stints. this includes sometimes when i get bad grades on stuff (which is unfort usual) and i get yelled at by my parents.
Back in 5th grade they introduced this grade site called homeaccescenter which put our shitty grades online. the year before they did the paper report card and that was so much better. 5th grade was the year my life went to shit because of the new site where your parents could monitor your shit. it sucked.
starting middle school is when my grades started to get worse and i began to struggle. thats when i got yelled at all the time and eventually started to ask myself if it was time to end it all. i was so sick of thia bullshit where my parents cared too much and it was beginning to be too much to bear. in 7th grade shit wasnt any different except i got a dog i could love since i felt like my parents didnt love me as much as they said they did. i started to form a group of friends during 7th grade when i played baseball for the town. 8th grade was probably the best year of all since 5th grade since my grades werent too bad and i had a lot of friends.
then freshman year rolled around.
fresman year started off good but towards november it started getting bad. my grades fell and i started to get yelled at a lot again which made those depressed feelings start to come back. and then, the friend group split up because there's 2 high schools in the district so there's only half of us. the remaining friends ultimately kicked me out of the table because they thought i was annoying and i've sat alone at lunch ever since because i haven't really found friends i can sit down with a lunch. I started smoking weed with a couple of friends to help me relax and relieve the tensionsthere were at home. i still smoke to this day. The i created my PS acc in January of 2017 and proceeded to play it the rest of the year.
Sophmore year came and shit got even worse. i have a love for cooking and there's a program at my school for becoming a chef and going to college so i signed up for it. They had us do all these assignments and i failed a lot of them which resulted in me feeling like shit amd depressed again. In January of 2017, i started to play PS constantly and it affected my schoolwork. teachers would always catch me playing games and eventually put me on warning if i got caught again they would use the firewall to block everything on the computer except the school website. but i continued to play ps without getting caught but still effected my schoolwork. the suicidal thoughts came back and they were stronger than ever. every night before bed, i promised my dog i would see him in the morning so that i didn't end it at night. this got me through (ikr my dog? lol) until i got caught playing ps by my parents again and they threatened to tell the school. i actually got really scared since PS was my favorite thing. then the rest of the year went by with getting yelled at and grounded constantly. summer came and on the 7th day of summer i got my first roomauth in a public room (which later went private :[), scrabble. this helped my take my mind off of real life. beginning of this year rolled around and it started off fine. got 2 other roomauths and roomstaff in scrabble, life was good. then shit started to fall again because im a huge procrastinator and i put everything off until it's too late. tonight, roughly 4 hours ago, my parents found out that i hadn't been retaking my tests that i failed and they made them so pissed. i'm also a compulsive liar which makes it even worse the fact that i lie to get out of shit so i have more time but never do it. tonight actually made me cry and bring back the suicidal thoughts. i sat in the bathroom for a half hour thinking about what i should do. i ultimately made the desicion to post this so i can get this shit off my chest.
it feels soooooo much better now that i've said all this
If any of yall are having trouble don't hesitate to pm me on discord (TheJ3estPenguin#6590). I will not judge you and you can spill anything to me.
Cheers
edit: i didn't realize how long this was o3o;
I don't think I have depression, and neither does my therapist. But if i somehow do have depression, it is that kind that comes in small stints. this includes sometimes when i get bad grades on stuff (which is unfort usual) and i get yelled at by my parents.
Back in 5th grade they introduced this grade site called homeaccescenter which put our shitty grades online. the year before they did the paper report card and that was so much better. 5th grade was the year my life went to shit because of the new site where your parents could monitor your shit. it sucked.
starting middle school is when my grades started to get worse and i began to struggle. thats when i got yelled at all the time and eventually started to ask myself if it was time to end it all. i was so sick of thia bullshit where my parents cared too much and it was beginning to be too much to bear. in 7th grade shit wasnt any different except i got a dog i could love since i felt like my parents didnt love me as much as they said they did. i started to form a group of friends during 7th grade when i played baseball for the town. 8th grade was probably the best year of all since 5th grade since my grades werent too bad and i had a lot of friends.
then freshman year rolled around.
fresman year started off good but towards november it started getting bad. my grades fell and i started to get yelled at a lot again which made those depressed feelings start to come back. and then, the friend group split up because there's 2 high schools in the district so there's only half of us. the remaining friends ultimately kicked me out of the table because they thought i was annoying and i've sat alone at lunch ever since because i haven't really found friends i can sit down with a lunch. I started smoking weed with a couple of friends to help me relax and relieve the tensionsthere were at home. i still smoke to this day. The i created my PS acc in January of 2017 and proceeded to play it the rest of the year.
Sophmore year came and shit got even worse. i have a love for cooking and there's a program at my school for becoming a chef and going to college so i signed up for it. They had us do all these assignments and i failed a lot of them which resulted in me feeling like shit amd depressed again. In January of 2017, i started to play PS constantly and it affected my schoolwork. teachers would always catch me playing games and eventually put me on warning if i got caught again they would use the firewall to block everything on the computer except the school website. but i continued to play ps without getting caught but still effected my schoolwork. the suicidal thoughts came back and they were stronger than ever. every night before bed, i promised my dog i would see him in the morning so that i didn't end it at night. this got me through (ikr my dog? lol) until i got caught playing ps by my parents again and they threatened to tell the school. i actually got really scared since PS was my favorite thing. then the rest of the year went by with getting yelled at and grounded constantly. summer came and on the 7th day of summer i got my first roomauth in a public room (which later went private :[), scrabble. this helped my take my mind off of real life. beginning of this year rolled around and it started off fine. got 2 other roomauths and roomstaff in scrabble, life was good. then shit started to fall again because im a huge procrastinator and i put everything off until it's too late. tonight, roughly 4 hours ago, my parents found out that i hadn't been retaking my tests that i failed and they made them so pissed. i'm also a compulsive liar which makes it even worse the fact that i lie to get out of shit so i have more time but never do it. tonight actually made me cry and bring back the suicidal thoughts. i sat in the bathroom for a half hour thinking about what i should do. i ultimately made the desicion to post this so i can get this shit off my chest.
it feels soooooo much better now that i've said all this
If any of yall are having trouble don't hesitate to pm me on discord (TheJ3estPenguin#6590). I will not judge you and you can spill anything to me.
Cheers
edit: i didn't realize how long this was o3o;
I'm suffering for severe depression associated to major anxieties since 2011.
I got a lot of medication and that's my point, about me i say.
It's so useless to give a long term medication to someone who already take those pills since 7 years! It's more about learning about the environment around me. I have a boyfriend, my gramma and my bro but i realized just yesterday that i was well educated but never got raised. I never got a father point of repair. So that explains my taste in older mens. And we can say what we want, but love, I mean equilibrate relationship HAVE AGE. Joel loves things he loves and I don't blame it, he got 50 yo and I can't change him, his past, his tastes, his projects!
But every night, i MEAN every night, i'm saying to myself: "Save me, please someone save me." Just writing this sentence almost brings me to tears.
It's not Joel faults, not my Gramma fault, it's my childhood, every doctor would say everything that builds you IS childhood, not young age. Young adult age I mean, is full of issues, problems you have to confront. But what can we do to affront something without waepons? Even basic weapons?
I absolutely have nothing.
I'm talented, smart, but clueless.
And that's not what Brintellix will give me: weapons.
I got a lot of medication and that's my point, about me i say.
It's so useless to give a long term medication to someone who already take those pills since 7 years! It's more about learning about the environment around me. I have a boyfriend, my gramma and my bro but i realized just yesterday that i was well educated but never got raised. I never got a father point of repair. So that explains my taste in older mens. And we can say what we want, but love, I mean equilibrate relationship HAVE AGE. Joel loves things he loves and I don't blame it, he got 50 yo and I can't change him, his past, his tastes, his projects!
But every night, i MEAN every night, i'm saying to myself: "Save me, please someone save me." Just writing this sentence almost brings me to tears.
It's not Joel faults, not my Gramma fault, it's my childhood, every doctor would say everything that builds you IS childhood, not young age. Young adult age I mean, is full of issues, problems you have to confront. But what can we do to affront something without waepons? Even basic weapons?
I absolutely have nothing.
I'm talented, smart, but clueless.
And that's not what Brintellix will give me: weapons.
TheJ3estPenguin thanks for sharing the story. Playing this stupid game was one of my endeavors to overcome the puberty days (that I am still somewhat going through) and helped me a lot when things got difficult. I am more moved by the fact that what you valued there is a relationship instead of the entertainment that comes from battling.
I did not start playing in online simulator because of loneliness, but it has more to do with nostalgic memories I had with playing DPP. The game ended up helping me feel better meeting friends there who share same interests and will listen to your vents. Most of the friends I have interacted with in PS are no longer in touch because they quit after getting banned or got bored. The big incident I had with them remain as one the scars I have today, but it is far from being unbearable because remembering the talks I had with the friends were enjoyable. For this reason I have to encourage you to focus on relationship with the community during the time here.
I don't exactly know your situation but one thing I would talk about is that especially in late teenager period, you will need something that you can fall back on when you are going through a hard time. If you keep telling yourself that "I am depressed and I feel suicidal" or try to evade the concern and go "I'll be fine", the inner stress will be stacked to the point where you can no longer hold it. Once you can't hold it anymore, destructive things will happen.
I have a long scar on my left arm. Looking back, I did it for a silly reason. I just thought my parents won't give a shit about what I would say and I felt too insulted to deal with myself who couldn't even step up to talk to people. That's how low my self-esteem was. What led me to the point where I cut myself is that I felt that no one is going to empathize me at all. Sometimes we really forget that how all we have to do is to find someone who can hear us out we let things out, and we often become too blind to do so. The scar on my arm is almost gone, but it still left me with an emotional pain to deal with for the rest of my life.
Keeping the inner pain to ourselves can be destructive for different reasons. One time I theorized that 'humans can't deal with their own pain and that's what keeps them weak and postpones the evolution'. But after this event, I realized that this can't happen:
4.0 GPA guy in high school. The tallest and the most robust teen boy in high school that girls literally line up to say hi. The guy that makes the whole gym shake with shouts by just standing up. I'm not bullshitting, I'm talking about a real person. At this point you may be wondering how the hell could someone live a good life like this. Here's the transition.
The phone rings the other day, and it's the "guy living the best possible life as a human being" that gave a call. Judging from the voice, he is crying, and when he heard 'what's wrong', he goes through the situation he is in. Ever since his mom passed away 4 years ago, he never had a single drop of tear. Instead he told himself that he will be okay. He forcefully kept himself smiling in school with a terrible pain inside, said hi to everyone, and always dressed up in school uniform during Halloween. From some point he couldn't deal with his own stress and started drinking, ending up getting kicked out of the varsity football team, breaking up with his girlfriend he had since the childhood, ruining the relationship with his father, suffering from insomnia, and having 128 scholarships from colleges cancelled. He now is sitting on his own bed, with a phone in his left hand and a loaded gun from his dad in his right hand.
No one can really go long enough getting away with the pain that we have to get rid of. I respect you for the choice you made to hang out with people here instead of simply getting into Pokemon.
I did not start playing in online simulator because of loneliness, but it has more to do with nostalgic memories I had with playing DPP. The game ended up helping me feel better meeting friends there who share same interests and will listen to your vents. Most of the friends I have interacted with in PS are no longer in touch because they quit after getting banned or got bored. The big incident I had with them remain as one the scars I have today, but it is far from being unbearable because remembering the talks I had with the friends were enjoyable. For this reason I have to encourage you to focus on relationship with the community during the time here.
I don't exactly know your situation but one thing I would talk about is that especially in late teenager period, you will need something that you can fall back on when you are going through a hard time. If you keep telling yourself that "I am depressed and I feel suicidal" or try to evade the concern and go "I'll be fine", the inner stress will be stacked to the point where you can no longer hold it. Once you can't hold it anymore, destructive things will happen.
I have a long scar on my left arm. Looking back, I did it for a silly reason. I just thought my parents won't give a shit about what I would say and I felt too insulted to deal with myself who couldn't even step up to talk to people. That's how low my self-esteem was. What led me to the point where I cut myself is that I felt that no one is going to empathize me at all. Sometimes we really forget that how all we have to do is to find someone who can hear us out we let things out, and we often become too blind to do so. The scar on my arm is almost gone, but it still left me with an emotional pain to deal with for the rest of my life.
Keeping the inner pain to ourselves can be destructive for different reasons. One time I theorized that 'humans can't deal with their own pain and that's what keeps them weak and postpones the evolution'. But after this event, I realized that this can't happen:
4.0 GPA guy in high school. The tallest and the most robust teen boy in high school that girls literally line up to say hi. The guy that makes the whole gym shake with shouts by just standing up. I'm not bullshitting, I'm talking about a real person. At this point you may be wondering how the hell could someone live a good life like this. Here's the transition.
The phone rings the other day, and it's the "guy living the best possible life as a human being" that gave a call. Judging from the voice, he is crying, and when he heard 'what's wrong', he goes through the situation he is in. Ever since his mom passed away 4 years ago, he never had a single drop of tear. Instead he told himself that he will be okay. He forcefully kept himself smiling in school with a terrible pain inside, said hi to everyone, and always dressed up in school uniform during Halloween. From some point he couldn't deal with his own stress and started drinking, ending up getting kicked out of the varsity football team, breaking up with his girlfriend he had since the childhood, ruining the relationship with his father, suffering from insomnia, and having 128 scholarships from colleges cancelled. He now is sitting on his own bed, with a phone in his left hand and a loaded gun from his dad in his right hand.
No one can really go long enough getting away with the pain that we have to get rid of. I respect you for the choice you made to hang out with people here instead of simply getting into Pokemon.
If we're being honest, my story is similar to TheJ3estPenguin
I think I can basically trace the spiraling down of my life into one massive shitpile to 5th grade. I had come off a year where I had been one of the most popular people in my grade, yet 5th grade I had no friends, and was basically despised throughout most of my classmates. There wasn't a quantifiable reason for this; one day people decided that I didn't adhere to what people thought was cool, and cast me out like an empty soda can.
So when I went into 6th grade, I didn't have high hopes for the year. I stopped doing my work, and my grades fell off severely. I had two close friends, but I was bullied by the main clique. My parents yelled at me, hit me, but all it did was get worse. 6th grade was one of the worst years of my life.
Then came next year. My grades got worse, my friends were in different classes, and I was bullied incessantly. I got suspended during the later part of the year for a physical altercation. This was easily the worst time of my life. I had nothing keeping me going, and all I saw ahead was a black pit that sucked all my desires into it. This was the first time that it crossed my mind that I may be depressed. I hadn't been diagnosed, so I bluffed it off as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
8th grade is the last time I remember feeling happy at school. I had gotten into a charter school, and as a result had like- minded individuals. I was once again popular, had genuine friends, and I actually looked forward to going to school. However, the bad habits I had picked up from the last two years weren't as easy to shake off as I thought they would be. My grades were better, but still not up to par with what my parents wanted, nothing short of perfection. So at the end of an incredible year, my parents withdrew me from the school to go back to public school.
I think it really dawned on me then how fucking terrible my life was. And let me tell you, things don't go up from here. This isn't some magical story that ends happily ever after. The only direction my life has known for the past 6 years is down.
I'm not going to go over 9th, 10th, and the start of this year, because they're more of the same shit in 6th and 7th grade. I'm also not going to share the stuff my dad says, because most of it isn't appropriate. I'll just say that the more he talks, the worse I feel.
You know that old saying, "Spare the rod, spoil the child?" There isn't a bigger load of crap I can think of. I can't think of one situation where beating someone, constantly cursing at them, and telling them they'll amount to nothing has actually HELPED said person.
Then my sister died. I actively considered suicide soon after, because I felt I truly had nothing to live for. I got help from some close friends and family, but those thoughts are still there, and it's driving me insane. All of the shit I've been through has hollowed me out inside. I don't really feel attached to the world, I just feel like a ship lost in the backend of our Solar System, where every direction is no direction, and the crewmen have long since given up finding their way back to Earth, because they've been off the ground for so goddamn long. I don't have any desires, any dreams, any aspirations. I feel completely and utterly alone, helpless, and scared. I feel like a bitch for not having the guts to end it, like I'm just taking the way that requires me not to do anything, the way that keeps me making terrible decisions.
That's about it. Sorry if this sounded cheesy, just needed to get it off my chest.
I think I can basically trace the spiraling down of my life into one massive shitpile to 5th grade. I had come off a year where I had been one of the most popular people in my grade, yet 5th grade I had no friends, and was basically despised throughout most of my classmates. There wasn't a quantifiable reason for this; one day people decided that I didn't adhere to what people thought was cool, and cast me out like an empty soda can.
So when I went into 6th grade, I didn't have high hopes for the year. I stopped doing my work, and my grades fell off severely. I had two close friends, but I was bullied by the main clique. My parents yelled at me, hit me, but all it did was get worse. 6th grade was one of the worst years of my life.
Then came next year. My grades got worse, my friends were in different classes, and I was bullied incessantly. I got suspended during the later part of the year for a physical altercation. This was easily the worst time of my life. I had nothing keeping me going, and all I saw ahead was a black pit that sucked all my desires into it. This was the first time that it crossed my mind that I may be depressed. I hadn't been diagnosed, so I bluffed it off as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
8th grade is the last time I remember feeling happy at school. I had gotten into a charter school, and as a result had like- minded individuals. I was once again popular, had genuine friends, and I actually looked forward to going to school. However, the bad habits I had picked up from the last two years weren't as easy to shake off as I thought they would be. My grades were better, but still not up to par with what my parents wanted, nothing short of perfection. So at the end of an incredible year, my parents withdrew me from the school to go back to public school.
I think it really dawned on me then how fucking terrible my life was. And let me tell you, things don't go up from here. This isn't some magical story that ends happily ever after. The only direction my life has known for the past 6 years is down.
I'm not going to go over 9th, 10th, and the start of this year, because they're more of the same shit in 6th and 7th grade. I'm also not going to share the stuff my dad says, because most of it isn't appropriate. I'll just say that the more he talks, the worse I feel.
You know that old saying, "Spare the rod, spoil the child?" There isn't a bigger load of crap I can think of. I can't think of one situation where beating someone, constantly cursing at them, and telling them they'll amount to nothing has actually HELPED said person.
Then my sister died. I actively considered suicide soon after, because I felt I truly had nothing to live for. I got help from some close friends and family, but those thoughts are still there, and it's driving me insane. All of the shit I've been through has hollowed me out inside. I don't really feel attached to the world, I just feel like a ship lost in the backend of our Solar System, where every direction is no direction, and the crewmen have long since given up finding their way back to Earth, because they've been off the ground for so goddamn long. I don't have any desires, any dreams, any aspirations. I feel completely and utterly alone, helpless, and scared. I feel like a bitch for not having the guts to end it, like I'm just taking the way that requires me not to do anything, the way that keeps me making terrible decisions.
That's about it. Sorry if this sounded cheesy, just needed to get it off my chest.