Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Reisen]

Hey guys,

I have read the posts in the last page, I guess the other posts are quite similar, and I really wanted to ask something to you guys. I've read something that I really can't understand and it also makes me a bit mad against those who thinks like that. Some of you say that they thought about suicide and about the fact that it would protect the people they love. How can you say that ? I mean I have lost a very close friend when I was in high school, she killed herself because she was depressed and she didn't know how to escape from it. After that it made so much damage to her family and our group of friends, her old brother just stopped his studies, her parents divorced because they blamed each others for her death and I've known few years after that her mother started drinking.

I will be 25yo next year and it has been 10 years that our friend's group just disbanded, we aren't in contact anymore because we just couldn't stay together without thinking about her and two of my friends failed their first year in med school because of that. Thinking about committing a suicide is the most selfish thing you can do because you just think that it would be better for yourself and you just don't care about the damages you could make to the people around you. There will always be someone that cares about you, friends or family and that's only what really matters.

Getting bullied at school is a "thing" that is being considered now (which is a shame because it exists since a long time ago) but the teachers and the parents are more aware of the danger of harassment, you need to voice up and even if you feel it's a shame to talk about it, you should be more ashamed to think about suicide.

 

[ehT]

Reisen

OK, there's a lot to unpack here.

I've been suicidal on and off since I was 15. Believe me when I say I recognize the damage I would do if I died and I really don't want to do this to people. If there was a button that would make me simply stop existing without destroying myself and my family, I'd press that shit in an instant. Facing my loved ones after my past suicide attempts were among the most awkward and painful moments of my life. Depression feels like my body's full of poison that'll spill all over everyone else unless I stay alive. Holding that poison inside me is the only reason I have to exist. We genuinely think about how other people would feel, because we aren't monsters. What I ask is that you do the same for a minute.

Suicidal thinking isn't entirely rational and isn't entirely voluntary. I had my first suicidal thoughts when I was 9. I didn't understand the permanent nonexistence that is the result of death, and I realize now that no one can, but I did understand its offer of permanent peace. Being dead means you get to feel how you felt in the year 1782 for the rest of time. That appealed to me then, and it still does now. Later in my life, and for the same reasons, it's how I've responded of years and years of seemingly insurmountable pain. Of fighting and fighting and getting nowhere and, I think, quite logically concluding there was no way out.

Over the years my thoughts have become more nuanced than "I'm awful and the world is awful and there's nothing we can do about it so let's all die". I recognize that things can and do get better. I've had good days. But I don't want to be better; I want to be cured. I never want to be as low as I am now ever again. But unless someone somewhere knows something that I don't, mental illness isn't something you can just snap your fingers and make go away. I've done more work than you will ever know to get myself out of this place, and that still hasn't been enough to make me happy. Show me why that isn't a valid reason to want to die, and I'll show you someone who feels entitled to make my life decisions for me.

This is where I get mad. I've carried this weight since childhood pretty much constantly, and when neurotypical folk see me getting sick of this shit they judge me as though they wouldn't give up too if they were in my shoes. Most people have never actually taken a moment to question whether living is worth it, albeit understandably. Not to be actively suicidal, mind you, but merely to ask questions. Independent of my mental illness, I think pondering that question sincerely has made me a better person, since it caused me to reflect on what is actually good about life. But to those who haven't thought about this, life is unquestionably worth living, regardless of context. Life for life's sake. Frankly, that mindset is inane to me, and makes people's accusations of selfishness that much more inane in turn. Not because I expect people to agree with me, but because the anger behind those accusations is so uncritical, unempathetic, and non-conducive to healing (that is your goal, right?) that I can't help but wonder what you're trying to accomplish.

I can't relate to your pain of losing someone to suicide. As far as I can tell, you can't relate to my pain of wanting to die. You aren't selfish for wishing your friend was still here, despite that meaning you wish she lived through her pain. My mom wouldn't be selfish for grieving in the event of my death. I'm not selfish for looking at the state of my life and the state of my future and deciding that all this isn't worth the trouble. These are all logical responses to the circumstances within our lives. What's selfish is demanding that I hold this poison inside of me for you until I collapse then blaming me for it. This is why people frame suicide as a tragedy. Yes, it ultimately comes down to an active decision, but that decision is informed by countless awful circumstances beyond anyone's control. I'm not doing this to anyone. I'm doing this to end my pain. Don't you want that?

I was the one that said I felt like I had to kill myself to protect my family. I recognize that isn't rational. That's because depression isn't rational, and guess what, it's not my fault, either. It's an illness. This is why people who work in suicide prevention don't call it "committing" suicide, as though it's some sort of crime, but rather dying by suicide. More shame just makes people want to die more. More stigma prevents us from having this conversation. It's only because I've learned over years to reign my depression in that I didn't internalize your post as even more reason to kill myself. Please stop thinking this way. Please listen.

 

[Kate]

Getting bullied at school is a "thing" that is being considered now (which is a shame because it exists since a long time ago) but the teachers and the parents are more aware of the danger of harassment, you need to voice up and even if you feel it's a shame to talk about it, you should be more ashamed to think about suicide.

I'm not going to respond to the other parts because that's not my role. However, I did speak up about bullying. Multiple times. And every time I did, NOTHING changed. It's not like people are UNWILLING to help; they either don't know how, or would prefer to believe something else. Case in point: when I was suspended 4 years ago, I explained what happened, and how the other kids were bullying me. But, they ended up not believing me because the other guy had his friends lie for him. In all honesty, people just say "Get help" yet they have no idea how one could actually "get help". They suggest ideas because they'd rather have it be someone else's problem.

And if we're being honest, I think it's more cowardly to call people cowards because you can't relate to them. That demonstrates a lack of an ability to feel sympathy.

EDIT: Another thing I'd like to point out is that you seem to think people want to feel this way; not that they want to commit suicide (Because unfortunately, that is what happens a lot of times) but that people wanted to feel all those things that led them down that dark path, and that they're selfish for allowing themselves to feel that way. Losing someone close to you is hard, and it makes you feel shit. In my situation, it wasn't a time where I started to feel better because life is short and we need to enjoy it; it made me feel that life is random and bullshit, and that terrible stuff happen to people who don't deserve it at all. You're asking people with a mental illness to be rational and think about how selfish they are. If this actually worked, there would be no suicide cases. Unfortunately, life doesn't determine itself by what people say. I sincerely hope you don't say this to people who are depressed, because if you have, please be aware that that makes people feel much, much worse.

 

[Reisen]

More shame just makes people want to die more. More stigma prevents us from having this conversation. It's only because I've learned over years to reign my depression in that I didn't internalize your post as even more reason to kill myself. Please stop thinking this way. Please listen.

Frankly, that's inane to me, and makes people's accusations of selfishness that much more inane to me in turn. Not because I expect people to agree with me, but because the anger behind those accusations is so uncritical, unempathetic, and non-conducive to healing (that is your goal, right?) that it's just like what are you trying to accomplish?

I was the one that said I felt like I had to kill myself to protect my family. I recognize that isn't rational. That's because depression isn't rational, and guess what, not my fault, either. It's an illness.

And if we're being honest, I think it's more cowardly to call people cowards because you can't relate to them. That demonstrates a lack of an ability to feel sympathy.

Are you guys waiting for people to feel sympathy for you on this topic ? Your situations saddens me, but I think you misunderstand something, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. When I'm reading you it's like there is no way to get out of depression. But as you said eht, it's a mental illness, the effort has to come from your side if you want to get out of it.

eht i've stalked you (sounds weird yea), you're only 23 girl, have you discovered everything in your life ? There would certainly be something that would make you happy to be alive and to live for it

I'm not going to respond to the other parts because that's not my role. However, I did speak up about bullying. Multiple times. And every time I did, NOTHING changed. It's not like people are UNWILLING to help; they either don't know how, or would prefer to believe something else. Case in point: when I was suspended 4 years ago, I explained what happened, and how the other kids were bullying me.

And you, as I said school bullying is a thing now there are official phone numbers just like for beaten childs, there are forums, associations, right now you're just in a situation in which you want people to feel sorry for you (i'm not saying that your situation is normal), but have you at least tried these alternatives ?

I will not be sorry if I've seemed harsh to you because I'm honest and I genuinely think that if me (or someone else) would help you in real life by giving you a hand, this is your work to grab and hold it. I am just not a defeatist and you can tell me "yeah but you're not in depression you cannot understand how hard it is" well ok then what ? it is definitely hard, I get that, but as I said if you want to get out of it, it's up to you and no one else.

 

[ehT]

The fact that you were given such a sobering opportunity to understand what mental illness does to people and you still think it's as simple as "feeling sorry for yourself" says a lot about your capacity for empathy.

 

[TheJ3estPenguin]

Are you guys waiting for people to feel sympathy for you on this topic ?

Hell no, what the fuck? I was here just to talk about my shit. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just here to say what feel like I should say. That's it.

 

[Rabia]

Thinking about committing a suicide is the most selfish thing you can do because you just think that it would be better for yourself and you just don't care about the damages you could make to the people around you. There will always be someone that cares about you, friends or family and that's only what really matters.

Getting bullied at school is a "thing" that is being considered now (which is a shame because it exists since a long time ago) but the teachers and the parents are more aware of the danger of harassment, you need to voice up and even if you feel it's a shame to talk about it, you should be more ashamed to think about suicide.

Are you guys waiting for people to feel sympathy for you on this topic ? Your situations saddens me, but I think you misunderstand something, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. When I'm reading you it's like there is no way to get out of depression. But as you said eht, it's a mental illness, the effort has to come from your side if you want to get out of it.

And you, as I said school bullying is a thing now there are official phone numbers just like for beaten childs, there are forums, associations, right now you're just in a situation in which you want people to feel sorry for you (i'm not saying that your situation is normal), but have you at least tried these alternatives ?

I will not be sorry if I've seemed harsh to you because I'm honest and I genuinely think that if me (or someone else) would help you in real life by giving you a hand, this is your work to grab and hold it. I am just not a defeatist and you can tell me "yeah but you're not in depression you cannot understand how hard it is" well ok then what ? it is definitely hard, I get that, but as I said if you want to get out of it, it's up to you and no one else.

I'm not going to touch on the fact you have lost a close friend to suicide because I am far from qualified enough to deal with that topic.

HOWEVER

What I can talk about is the fact you come across as dismissive and honestly condescending towards all who are dealing with personal struggles, be it anxiety, depression, or any other problem. You call suicide (not even the act itself, literally just thinking about it) "the most selfish thing you can do because you just think that it would be better for yourself" and claim that people "don't care about the damages you could make to the people around you". Do you get the hypocrisy with your statements here? You claim it's unfair for people struggling to want to off themselves because of the issues it would cause others close to them, but you evidently show little regard for the feelings of the person struggling. Is it not unfair to say to someone "no, don't do that because it would disrupt my life"?

People struggling with depression and the like most of the time do reach out. I can speak for myself when I say I have constantly sought help for the last 5+ years. I have gone to multiple therapists; I have talked to multiple friends of mine. I do literally everything I can to keep my depression and anxiety from literally being the end of me. People end up being driven to suicide because of all the effort they put in not working.

What you're doing with your posts is "victim blaming" in a way; you're saying the person under duress is the one at fault, and you are holding them accountable to an unreasonable degree.

I do appreciate that you seem relatively open to helping others out, but I believe you need to look back at what you've said and understand why it comes across as just flat-out mean in some regards.

 

[obii]

Reisen im sorry for your loss and I'd like to believe that your anger and misguided feelings come from this negative experience. There are a couple of things I'd like to clear up though regarding mental illness / suicide

Depression isn't about feeling sorry for yourself at all. I'm gonna speak from my personal experience and say that the hardest part for me is the divide between the logical part of my brain and the emotional part. When I understand that a certain thing shouldn't upset me this much or that I really need to get on a task but my emotions disagree. Despite knowing and understanding something doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It took me 3 years to begin therapy despite knowing for a long time that it's the first step to healing.

Suicide isn't something that a person does when in a rational state of mind. I remember promising my best friend years ago that I would never hurt myself. But when your mind is clouded with suicidal thoughts, the pain of living is so great that you really just go into this trancelike state and the best cure is suicide. While, on a good day, I'm confident that i wouldn't hurt myself, its something I can never be sure of because I might reach a point again where everything is too painful and the only thing that makes sense is suicide.

Let this be a message in general too. Don't fully trust a person that says they'll never harm themselves and pay attention to the signs. Also, a reminder that if anyone is going through some hardship, seek help! Easier said than done I know. But you dont need to run out and make a therapy appointment immediately. Talk to your friends, maybe some good people on here, or even feel free to message me (obii#3532 on discord). I got a lot of help and confidence from my buddies on this site and I can proudly say that I havent had severe suicidal tendencies since December 2017.

Good luck to those in the process of healing.

 

[Ren]

I can't ever explain to you how fortunate you are that you have never experienced this, because no matter what I try to say, do or write in order to prove what depression or mental illness as a whole does to a person, I just can't. It's not something you can communicate over text, in words, or actions - The scars you see on a loved one and the suffering it causes you yourself can't ever dare to hold a candle to the inner turmoil that person is going through. And, for your sake, I genuinely do hope you never experience the feeling of depression, because that's not something you can just snap back from, forget and leave behind. Regardless of if you're cured, like me (thankfully) or you're still suffering like the countless other individuals, depression is something that will never leave you. It will have a lasting effect on who you are as a person, and you will never be able to forget how it feels. It's not the kind of thing you can synthesize inside your mind, and it's not the kind of thing you logic your way through. But until you've felt it, you won't ever understand any of that.

I'm not going to go into my story, or anything - Mainly because I don't want Smogon to see that part of me, since there are some people who I know would love to have something to mock me with. Not that I'm ashamed of having gone through it, at all. It's made me stronger as a person, and it's taught me that I'm not weak. Neither is anybody going through this. But it's also influenced years in my life, years which I really wish I could take back but I'll never be able to. It's the kind of thing that I just don't want to be brought up, other than from select few people. I didn't even plan on posting here, but when I saw the previous chain of posts, I knew I didn't want to stay silent and I wouldn't stay silent. Not when I've been suffering in silence for so long. Not when, whenever I've attempted to communicate how I've felt towards other people, I was told things like "You're not depressed," "You don't know what depression is," "Just get undepressed," or "Your depression isn't real."

In reply to your question, Reisen, suicide isn't something you can just logic your way out of, and a large part of that is because it's not something you can just jump into, in my experience. I have never jumped up and been like, "Oh hey, suicide seems like the solution." It was a series of questions that I asked myself which led to it, questions which, at the time, I couldn't answer. "Would anyone miss me?" "Do I have a point in going forward?" "How much longer can I keep this up?" "Why do people keep telling me 'just be patient'?" "Will I ever be okay?" These are all questions I have asked myself, and all of those had zero positive answers at the time I was struggling through it. So no, I never had any reason that could simply be made invalid by simply saying "My family and friends would miss me." Because at the time, I really did feel as though they'd get over it. I felt as though they'd forget me, and that I was disposable.

I'd just like to say that this doesn't apply to everyone. Everyone has their own reasons for suicide. Not everyone has asked the same questions that I have, and not everyone will answer them in the same way that I had. So it's not worth an attempt to generalize everyone's reasons for suicide, just like it isn't worth an attempt to generalize a solution. And above all, having the gall to tell people who have considered suicide that they haven't considered their family, for a lack of a better expression, takes a new level of entitlement. You will never have the right to tell us that we've never considered our family or friends, never. You can't dare to tell me that I didn't consider everything a while back, because at the time, I did. And it seemed hopeless as hell. Suicide is a big decision, but the ones who are suffering from it realize that just as much as people who don't consider suicide do, if not more.

I'm not suffering anymore. I have a lot of people to thank for that, but mainly E4 Flint as he helped me find a purpose in life and he helped me find reasons to live. He's the positivity in my life that I need, and I can't be more grateful to him. He's never left me whenever things got bleak. He had no reason to stay with me when I was having one of my outbursts of anger, pent up frustration, jealousy and insecurity. He's seen the ugliest side of me and been here with me through it all. Let me tell you, nothing has ever made me feel happier in my life than the few months or so where I realized I was cured, and I really was feeling better. What I needed was someone to love, and that someone to love me back (platonically in this case). I needed someone that accepted me for who I was, and that enjoyed me for who I was. I needed someone to make me feel valued, important, and show me that life really was worth it. And I'm happy I've gotten to a point where I can truly say it is. I'm not that 4.0 GPA Mr. Popular with 99 scholarships being thrown at him for free by every university and their mother. I didn't crawl out of this hellhole to be that guy. I crawled out of it to be me, and what I truly needed was to understand that being me is perfectly fine.

But not everyone is so lucky. So I ask you just one thing - The next time you see someone suffering, please don't try to tell them to rationalize their way out of it. As I'd like to think has been made clear, not just by this post but by the many other brave people who put forth their stories, reasons and perspectives, depression and being suicidal just isn't something you can logic your way out of and it isn't something people choose to be in. Nobody chooses to be suicidal. You can't choose to be suicidal. And more than anything, you can't say that suicidal people haven't considered everything. Because, honestly? Chances are they've considered everything much, much more than you can ever imagine.

 

[Reisen]

My point here is that depression is a state of mind as it has been said, the only way for you guys to get out of it is to want it. When I see a thread like that it's nice you give your stories but you should know that there are also people who aren't in depression that will read them and they might give their opinions too. I guess i'm probably stupid because I don't understand something that isn't logical and rational but I can't let you say that I have no capacity of empathy just because I'm not expressing the way you want to read it.

In reply to your question, Reisen, suicide isn't something you can just logic your way out of, and a large part of that is because it's not something you can just jump into, in my experience. I have never jumped up and been like, "Oh hey, suicide seems like the solution." It was a series of questions that I asked myself which led to it, questions which, at the time, I couldn't answer. "Would anyone miss me?" "Do I have a point in going forward?" "How much longer can I keep this up?" "Why do people keep telling me 'just be patient'?" "Will I ever be okay?" These are all questions I have asked myself, and all of those had zero positive answers at the time I was struggling through it. So no, I never had any reason that could simply be made invalid by simply saying "My family and friends would miss me." Because at the time, I really did feel as though they'd get over it. I felt as though they'd forget me, and that I was disposable.

The witnesses on this thread are almost (and probably all) coming from people between 14 and 22yo. Of course when someone tells you to be patient it is for a reason, when you will grow up you will have more responsabilities, you will certainly have a work, meet someone you will love, build a family, build a business and those things will certainly make you happy. Right know you've just discovered the immature part of life and it touches you more emotionally than some other people, I get that, but life isn't just about that.

That's why when I read that you have suicidal tendencies and some of you clearly don't want to be alive anymore I feel that you just want to take the quickest and easiest way to escape life. But life is easy for anyone, it will be for sure even more difficult for people struggling with depression and anxiety, but we all need to fight for it.

What I can talk about is the fact you come across as dismissive and honestly condescending towards all who are dealing with personal struggles, be it anxiety, depression, or any other problem. You call suicide (not even the act itself, literally just thinking about it) "the most selfish thing you can do because you just think that it would be better for yourself" and claim that people "don't care about the damages you could make to the people around you". Do you get the hypocrisy with your statements here? You claim it's unfair for people struggling to want to off themselves because of the issues it would cause others close to them, but you evidently show little regard for the feelings of the person struggling. Is it not unfair to say to someone "no, don't do that because it would disrupt my life"?

No it isn't unfair to think like that especially when you are personally fine in your life and you've never asked to get it disrupted by someone else. Of course you're not going to say that to a friend, or someone you know, who wants to die but that's exactly the way I felt when my friend killed herself. My friends and her family were here for her, we weren't disrupting her life, so why did she decide to disrupt ours by doing that ?

I really don't know why you feel it's condescending when I'm expressing the fact that you guys need to fight no matter what, even if it's a really hard time for you that me, and some other people can't understand. As I said, you're experiencing the immature part of life right now, try to find a little bit of positiveness in it and fight the negativity. In my opinion, you have friends and family, which are two essential rocks in life; it's a little bit of something already.

 

[BP]

The witnesses on this thread are almost (and probably all) coming from people between 14 and 22yo. Of course when someone tells you to be patient it is for a reason, when you will grow up you will have more responsabilities, you will certainly have a work, meet someone you will love, build a family, build a business and those things will certainly make you happy.

This is 100% correct. All storms, no matter what size or destructive ability, pass in due time. I can speak on this topic from personal experience. I used to self harm in middle school and high school because i felt like I was drowning. I had plenty of friends and I was popular because of my many successes in wrestling, track, and football (briefly). The things I felt were undescribable, and they only got worse my junior and senior year of highschool. I was begginning to be bullied by my wrestling team. Of course they didnt mean to make me feel like shit but they did. I've since moved on and now im a freshman in college. Im meeting lots of people and im having lots of fun. Reisen is not being condescending or even dismissive. All he's trying to say is give it time.

I'm currently studying psychology and theres a certain way that I like to look at depression since I was diagnosed with it. I like to look at depression through Erik Erikson's 8 stage theory on psychosocial development. Depending on what you are going through it can adress your issues in an indirect way. Completely disregard the age portion and just focus on what you feel is wrong. If you can't really describe it try looking at James Marzia's 4 identity statuses and try to figure out where you are at. Again, I promise all things will pass if you give them time. Don't rush things or jump to conclusions. Try to find hope or faith in your self or other people. If you're religous try to develop a better understanding of your faith.

EDIT: One thing that really made me feel happy and let me breathe when I was diagnosed was weight Lifting. It actually kind of changed my life because of how much it helped me.

 

[ehT]

I get that This Too Shall Pass. Believe me, I do. I'm not new to this. Reisen seems to have this idea that we just don't want to do the work and that we're weak for that. We're working round the clock, dude. I've been in therapy for nearly a decade. I can count on both hands now the number of medications I've tried that just made me feel more dead inside. This is what I find condescending: the assumption that we simply refuse to see that things can be better as though we consciously chose this all-consuming pain over a good life, when in reality we work harder than you will ever know. Author David Foster Wallace described suicidal depression like this:

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

Wallace hanged himself in 2008. He was 46, to your point about age.

When I'm at my worst, I face this dilemma virtually every day. Continuing the burning building metaphor, I've screamed for help, I've kicked at the door, and I've burnt the flesh off my hands trying to turn the knob. That 10th story window feels more and more like the only option with each dead end I reach. In that moment, it doesn't matter how many people love me. Bottom line, reality doesn't matter to an illness. I'm not sure how else to get this across. The only reason I have this sense of self-awareness about my illness is that I've been wrestling with it every moment of every day for over half my life. That's the type of work I've had to do just to function like everybody else. My life right now is the closest I've ever come to sense of control over my fate, and I'm fucking proud of that. If your response to that is still some hollow "it gets better" bullshit I don't know what to say to you.

 

[BP]

your response to that is still some hollow "it gets better" bullshit I don't know what to say to you.

It's not bullshit because I assure you it does get better. I'm not going to ignore your personal experiences but I don't think how you feel really matters at all. Maybe you have tried everything, maybe you are trapped in a burning building, but what keeps you from laying down and dying? You've been wrestling with this mental illness for half your life. I've only wrestled with mine for 7 years. Sure you may have been wrestling with yours for longer but what I learned about hope and having "faith" in what I believe has made me a happier person. The meds I tried didnt work. It was time and my own intrapersonal reflections that helped me overcome what I was feeling.

EDIT: your refuse to acknowledge the "its gets better" arguement because you've been wrestling with depression so long that you believe it doesn't.

 

[ehT]

To be clear, I do acknowledge that it gets better. What pisses me off specifically are people who just mindlessly regurgitate that without understanding anything about how that happens for depressed people. My "better" is being able to get up and get to work on time every day then having a good cry in my car at the end of it. I'm proud of that, but I still don't see how it's better than death. Fuck the entitled people who refuse to see this and expect me to fight forever no matter what then think I'm a piece of shit for wondering what the point of it all is. Who think I owe it to them personally to stay alive. "It gets better" sounds less like a message of hope from these people and more like a demand.

 

[Funbot28]

So I wanted to share a story of mine that is kind of related to the topic of discussion here. This is something very personal and endearing to me and is really something I dislike talking about irl but it might be easier to disclose here...

About a year ago I developed an eating disorder for who knows what reason. Previously, my relationship with food had always been somewhat normal where I had instances in my life where I kinda ate unhealthy and then ate regularly afterwards. However, at the age of 15 I was diagnosed with scoliosis where my doctor advised me that I needed to wear a back brace every night to correct my spinal cord. At the time, I was a bit overweight as I never really moved much and wasn't eating the most healthiest of things. It was then where my doctor recommended me to lose a bit of weight so that the treatment would be more effective. Now knowing my obsessive nature I kinda took this advice a bit too overboard and started training consistently (cardio and muscular training, but mainly cardio) a minimum of four times a week and greatly reduced my calorie intake. At first, the results where showing greatly, being able to lose about 50 pounds in under a month. However, the issue was this it was not stopping just there, by the time I hit 16 I had lost about 85 pounds from my original weight which concerned my doctor. Even though people were recommending me to stop training as much and start eating a bit more I didn't listen as I always felt that I was "too fat". I turned 17 and I had reached a weight of just above 90 pounds (my highest was about 190 before) and I still felt disgusted with my body. My doctor soon realized that I was anorexic and asked me to join a help center to cure my illness. I felt that I did not have a problem and kept going on the destructive path of keep losing weight as I was never satisfied. I had school to deal with at the time being in a competitive program and not willing to post-pone my education for a problem I didn't see was actually there.

I was about mid-17 where my mom and I got into a heated fight like usual as she was concerned of me not consuming anything throughought the day. These arguments would get so intense that I told her to "fuck off" and went in my room to cope with the misery alone. I was beginning to feel light-headed and before the time I went downstairs to grab something to eat I fainted and tumbled down the stairs. I was brought to the ER where they accessed that I was at a critical low weight and the doctor was even surprised that I was still alive.... I was immediately brought to an Eating-Disorders clinic when I was brought out of the hospital where I had to give up half my courses just to be in the program. Over there they had a strike system in which you did not reach a certain weight gain each week you would get a strike. Well, I hit my third strike immediately and kicked out of the program as I was very stubborn at the time. I felt that I disappointing myself and my family to not want to get better, yet my greatest fear was actually getting healthier.

I hit 18 and the same rituals were being done throughout the days (starving myself and fighting with my mom), till one day I actually allowed myself to indulge in an apple (something I forbid myself from doing before) and thats when a domino affect started. Each day I had started to "binge" more and more as I feel it was my body's response of me starving it for so long. The weight was being put on rapidly and I started to hate myself and drown myself in guilt as the days went by. I am currently so scared to look at the scale to see what I have done to myself and I keep repeating the same cycle everyday as the discomfort of binge eating brings comfort in a weird way. Each day is getting harder and harder and I feel I am digging myself up in a hole as I start to exude my anger onto everyone around me that care for me because I am so frustrated with myself. This has led me to develop a sever case of depression as even all the meds that my doctor currently prescribes me do nothing to relinquish the emotions.

I try to tell myself everyday that this is just a phase and things will get back to normal, but I am scared if that normal means me being on the verge of dying oncemore. I don't know if I will ever be satisfied or accepting of myself again after all that has happened....

I am sorry if this is the wrong thread to post this but I needed to get this off my chest.

 

[JustoonSmitts]

I know that my story is going to be very minor, but I just need to vent out my frustration right now.

Yesterday may have been the single worst day of my life. It started okay, with me getting some Switch Joycons and finding out I could get Super Smash Bros Ultimate yesterday at 10 pm.

To give some context about what happens next, my wife and I started volunteering for an animal rescue group in El Paso. My wife asked me to help out this one puppy with broken legs that needed some x-rays to see if she could heal. I said yes and took it, thinking everything was going to be okay after we got the x-rays. Then.... the doctor pulled me aside to look at the x-rays. It wasn't her legs that were broken, but her entire back was broken beyond repair. He really wanted to help me save her but it seemed to pain him that we had to put her down due to low quality of life. I asked the group what to do and after much debate and thought, we thought it was best that she was put down. So I had to watch a puppy die yesterday that I thought I could help. I know there wasn't anything I could do, but it still hurts a lot. I still see that dog's face today.

So afterwards, I think, "well, at least I can go hang out with these other Smash players today and get my pre-order", right? WRONG. I lose my wedding ring yesterday, too. I told my wife and she was understandably angry with me. We spent all of last night emotionally drained (especially me) looking for my wedding ring, the ring that symbolizes our bond and love. No luck at all. I looked everywhere in the house. No trace of it. It had to have been there, I only put it on this afternoon because I rushed out of the house to help a puppy only to watch it die in front of me. We looked until 11 that night. I wanted to just fucking die right there because I felt like I failed the only woman who ever loved me. It hurt a lot. It hurt that I was this careless and this stupid. I wanted to commit suicide, but I haven't told my wife yet because I didn't want to upset her more. I really thought I was going to pack my bags tonight and move out.

Amazingly (and by amazing, I mean a goddamn miracle), my wife was a little bit understanding about my side because of how my day went. She even tried comforting me after I spent all of last night crying because I felt like the most worthless husband ever. I still do, but she says she still loves me. I hope that that's true because I feel like I've killed trust between us and she'll resent me forever for this. Well, if I can't find it, we'll talk about a cheaper replacement, but it won't be the same. I feel awful today. I really do. I'm still looking around the house for the ring in the hopes that it will turn up. Wish me luck.

So yeah, yesterday was the worst day I've had in a while. It was so bad, I had suicidal thoughts. I thought my marriage was over after that. My wife says she still loves me, but I have a lot of doubt about that because who could love someone this careless and this stupid? I still feel worthless today.

Sorry if you read all of that. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

 

[earl]

I know that my story is going to be very minor, but I just need to vent out my frustration right now.

Yesterday may have been the single worst day of my life. It started okay, with me getting some Switch Joycons and finding out I could get Super Smash Bros Ultimate yesterday at 10 pm.

To give some context about what happens next, my wife and I started volunteering for an animal rescue group in El Paso. My wife asked me to help out this one puppy with broken legs that needed some x-rays to see if she could heal. I said yes and took it, thinking everything was going to be okay after we got the x-rays. Then.... the doctor pulled me aside to look at the x-rays. It wasn't her legs that were broken, but her entire back was broken beyond repair. He really wanted to help me save her but it seemed to pain him that we had to put her down due to low quality of life. I asked the group what to do and after much debate and thought, we thought it was best that she was put down. So I had to watch a puppy die yesterday that I thought I could help. I know there wasn't anything I could do, but it still hurts a lot. I still see that dog's face today.

So afterwards, I think, "well, at least I can go hang out with these other Smash players today and get my pre-order", right? WRONG. I lose my wedding ring yesterday, too. I told my wife and she was understandably angry with me. We spent all of last night emotionally drained (especially me) looking for my wedding ring, the ring that symbolizes our bond and love. No luck at all. I looked everywhere in the house. No trace of it. It had to have been there, I only put it on this afternoon because I rushed out of the house to help a puppy only to watch it die in front of me. We looked until 11 that night. I wanted to just fucking die right there because I felt like I failed the only woman who ever loved me. It hurt a lot. It hurt that I was this careless and this stupid. I wanted to commit suicide, but I haven't told my wife yet because I didn't want to upset her more. I really thought I was going to pack my bags tonight and move out.

Amazingly (and by amazing, I mean a goddamn miracle), my wife was a little bit understanding about my side because of how my day went. She even tried comforting me after I spent all of last night crying because I felt like the most worthless husband ever. I still do, but she says she still loves me. I hope that that's true because I feel like I've killed trust between us and she'll resent me forever for this. Well, if I can't find it, we'll talk about a cheaper replacement, but it won't be the same. I feel awful today. I really do. I'm still looking around the house for the ring in the hopes that it will turn up. Wish me luck.

So yeah, yesterday was the worst day I've had in a while. It was so bad, I had suicidal thoughts. I thought my marriage was over after that. My wife says she still loves me, but I have a lot of doubt about that because who could love someone this careless and this stupid? I still feel worthless today.

Sorry if you read all of that. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

You’re understandably very distressed right now, but take a second to think about this:
If your wife lost her wedding ring, would you divorce her? I’d hope the answer is no, and seeing as she is your wife and loves you as much as you love her, she would obviously reciprocate the feeling.

Don’t worry too much about it, the ring is just a symbol, it isn’t the marriage itself.

 

[JustoonSmitts]

You’re understandably very distressed right now, but take a second to think about this:
If your wife lost her wedding ring, would you divorce her? I’d hope the answer is no, and seeing as she is your wife and loves you as much as you love her, she would obviously reciprocate the feeling.

Don’t worry too much about it, the ring is just a symbol, it isn’t the marriage itself.

I know I wouldn't. I love her too much. And she still loves me

I still haven't found it, but we have a backup plan. You helped me calm a bit, Leonard. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[Celticpride]

This is going to be a bit scattershot, and I hope a bit cathartic.

First, for framing, I’ve never really struggled with depression proper. Generally speaking, I have an anxiety disorder that occasionally leads to bouts of depression. This has been ongoing since my senior year of HS, when the impending life change of the "real world" threw me for a loop, and I started worrying about all sorts of stuff to the point of fairly regular panic attacks. This continued into my freshman year of college, and frankly I was a mess. Looking back, it’s amazing people tried to be friendly with me then, because I think I was a pretty miserable, negative, depressing person to be around.

I transferred schools eventually, and I really took advantage of my fresh start. I commuted, which helped quite a bit. And things got better. My grades drastically improved, and I finally started letting myself be happy. For a time, at least. Eventually I started applying for internships, and that process brought up a lot of old anxieties, although they were noticeably less severe. But those old feelings still bubbled up more than I’d like. I still persisted, kept my grades high, and hustled and networked all over the place. It did pay off, I’ve worked multiple paid internships at different companies, the most recent of which is with my dream company. My dream company extended me a full time offer, and I took it without even thinking (no regrets about that).

So it seems like I’m heading in a good direction. But the past year has frankly been crap, and I feel myself slipping more and more. In the past year, I almost lost my sister due to a surgical complication (she’s fine now), dealt with the passing of several friends or family friends, and most recently my dad was diagnosed with cancer, which I am still processing (it is, in the scheme of things, a cancer with a very high survival rate and they caught it super early).

So where does this leave me? For all I’ve grown and changed since I had my first real panic attack, sometimes I wonder if I’ve changed at all. And I have changed, for sure. But the nagging thing is, no matter what I do, the depression and anxiety are always going to be there. They just are. There’s things I do to control my stress and depression, of course. Exercise and medication has helped a ton, and I know which activities help me stay calm (listening to music, tv and gaming are the big three). For the longest time, though, I thought this would be something that I overcame completely and would be part of my past. As time goes on, it feels less a part of my past and more just a part of who I am. Most recently, I’ve begun to accept that it’s ok to not be ok all the time.

 

[Raidx]

This is going to be a bit scattershot, and I hope a bit cathartic.

First, for framing, I’ve never really struggled with depression proper. Generally speaking, I have an anxiety disorder that occasionally leads to bouts of depression. This has been ongoing since my senior year of HS, when the impending life change of the "real world" threw me for a loop, and I started worrying about all sorts of stuff to the point of fairly regular panic attacks. This continued into my freshman year of college, and frankly I was a mess. Looking back, it’s amazing people tried to be friendly with me then, because I think I was a pretty miserable, negative, depressing person to be around.

I transferred schools eventually, and I really took advantage of my fresh start. I commuted, which helped quite a bit. And things got better. My grades drastically improved, and I finally started letting myself be happy. For a time, at least. Eventually I started applying for internships, and that process brought up a lot of old anxieties, although they were noticeably less severe. But those old feelings still bubbled up more than I’d like. I still persisted, kept my grades high, and hustled and networked all over the place. It did pay off, I’ve worked multiple paid internships at different companies, the most recent of which is with my dream company. My dream company extended me a full time offer, and I took it without even thinking (no regrets about that).

So it seems like I’m heading in a good direction. But the past year has frankly been crap, and I feel myself slipping more and more. In the past year, I almost lost my sister due to a surgical complication (she’s fine now), dealt with the passing of several friends or family friends, and most recently my dad was diagnosed with cancer, which I am still processing (it is, in the scheme of things, a cancer with a very high survival rate and they caught it super early).

So where does this leave me? For all I’ve grown and changed since I had my first real panic attack, sometimes I wonder if I’ve changed at all. And I have changed, for sure. But the nagging thing is, no matter what I do, the depression and anxiety are always going to be there. They just are. There’s things I do to control my stress and depression, of course. Exercise and medication has helped a ton, and I know which activities help me stay calm (listening to music, tv and gaming are the big three). For the longest time, though, I thought this would be something that I overcame completely and would be part of my past. As time goes on, it feels less a part of my past and more just a part of who I am. Most recently, I’ve begun to accept that it’s ok to not be ok all the time.

I can relate to that first paragraph completely. I was diagnosed with dysthymia (long-term depression) and i too suffer from social anixety (was diagnosed with selective mutism which was the root cause) . I've never had a job a day in my life (23 in a few weeks) and I didn't go to college, though that's mainly for a different reason but anxiety definitely plays a role in that as well. Last week I saw an administrative judge regarding my disability claims or whatever that's called, and ultimately I was declined Disability which is very unfortunate because I really can't work due to my anxiety and depression (meds haven't helped). Anywars social anxiety is very unforgiving and best of luck to you in the future!

 

[FrenchGaudi]

Il y a des mots qui blessent, et d'autre qui caressent.

That's all I have to say...

 

[McGrrr]

You have probably heard of the adage that "anything worth doing is worth doing well". This should really be "anything worth doing is worth doing to the best of your ability at the time". Sometimes, the bare minimum is the best that you can do at that time, but a small positive is a positive nonetheless.

My partner has a history of anxiety and depression (and is diagnosed with OCD and high functioning autism). She relapses sometimes and has not been doing well recently. It can be exhausting for me (to care for her), and for the rest of her support system, not least because her feeling that she is a burden becomes a vicious cycle.

I try my best to remind her that progress does not happen in a straight line, and that she needs to be patient with herself.

 

[Lacus Clyne]

This heartbreaking feeling when bae is on the other side of the world.

 

[crayon pop]

This heartbreaking feeling when bae is on the other side of the world.

 

[PDC]