The moderators of this forum are dave and WaterBomb.
Welcome to Smogon! Take a moment to read the Introduction to Smogon for a run-down on everything Smogon, and make sure you take some time to read the global rules.
I'm just gonna use this space to give my reflections on the past several months.
I know there are several people I've hurt or upset on here and I know some of you will never forgive me and I will never truly rid myself of the guilt for some of my actions but these are things I will have to accept. But to all of them, I am sorry, these people know who they are.
Someone on here a long time ago told me to go seek out a therapist for the things I was dealing with, I really regret not listening to them sooner and forcing myself to up and go no matter what I feared.
But they were right I truly never recovered from the grievances in my life from long ago, and in the present, I was in denial thinking I'd never need a therapist again but I will honestly admit they were right, it was what I really needed in life for a long time. I know I caused a lot of hassle by being in denial and I left it too late but I'm grateful you kept persisting I sought out a therapist, it was one of the best things you could do for me.
Seeing a therapist has made me truly realise how badly things were effecting me as a person and how these thoughts and feelings were inflicted onto people around me, it was just unacceptable. My first initial session was like wow it felt like a lot of weight was taken off of me for once to just to talk about how I feel and what's happening in life to someone and what I could do to deal with it better.. it made me feel more like a person again, if that makes sense. Hopefully it will continue on to something positive.
I was really honest with my mental health with my therapist like even admitting about hearing and seeing things that weren't actually there, on the odd occasions. This is something I experienced as a child too and when I was 8 years old I had to see a therapist because of what my father did to us and some point later in life these episodes were triggered again. My next session is on the 8th April and I'm honestly looking forward to it.
I'm doing better these days overall and I'm hoping things will continue to get better.
Once again I am really sorry to everyone who has had to ever deal with my behaviours and I know I can't ever change the past but I can hopefully build the future around being a much better person towards everyone else going forward.
struggling to deal with the overwhelming urge to just completely isolate myself right now, almost everything in my life went to complete shit outta nowhere with no signs of improvement anywhere on sight
ive dealt with these feelings before but being basically completely locked inside for more than a year now has just disintegrated any mental well being i may have had before
im not new to this and i know it passes but this time around has felt specifically hopeless
distractions are hitting a point where they don't actually distract me anymore either and im starting to just not be attracted to any of my hobbies anymore, which is always a worrying sign
dont know what to do
i imagine a lot of users that post here are just posting to vent — just to dump the bad thoughts and frustration externally so as not to keep lugging it around. i hope that it helps if so
for other posters, i don't know if they are looking for responses. i think a really frustrating and isolating part about struggling with depression is that well-meaning, Technically Correct people can give you words of advice, their own experience, etc, and it does nothing for you. sometimes it can make it worse; hearing the same thing over and over, like maybe a mantra of "hang in there" or "i've been where you are" or "you'll feel differently later" — that can be maddening
i'll just say i read all your posts in this thread. you are heard
Same, enough to quote and reply rather than just toss another Like on your post. I might be on the outskirts of Smogon these days, but I'm still checking in periodically on the same few forums.
I've been lurking on this thread alot but never actually had the guts to post here. I'm in college now, my depression dates back to maybe around middle school. In hs, it got worse because of a really awful experience that I'm still not comfortable telling people about. After that experience, I became really scared of other people my age and shut out everyone else for a looong time (including family members). It's only been since last year or so that I've started picking myself back up and trying to build a social life again.
Pre-covid I was a loner had no friends / stayed in all the time, so life actually didn't change that much for me when the pandemic hit. It's actually gotten better if anything lol. I've met some great people both online and IRL which has really helped to build my self-confidence, and started reconnecting with family members. I started seeing a therapist who seems genuinely understanding / introspective when I tell him about my issues. And recently, I landed a dream internship position for the summer, which would have been unthinkable for me last year.
There are still certain things that nag at me though. Even with my roommate around, I feel so alone in my dorm apartment. I feel like there's so much I've missed out on after 5 years with barely any social interaction. I really wish someone would text me without me messaging them first, but on the rare occasions this actually happens I feel apathetic. I wish I had a close friend who I just "clicked" with, who I could text back and forth with for hours, who'd invite me to stuff, who'd notice if I was gone, who valued me as much as I valued them. I wish it felt like there was more for me to look forward to. That's all.
I've been dealing really poorly with being physically isolated from my real-life friends. I'm very used to being online - I've been making friendships online since I was about 6 years old - but there really is no actual substitute for physical contact. I'm as touchy-feely as they come, and my lowest points during the pandemic have been because I can talk to people that I can't hold or physically comfort for a long, long time.
I'm luckier than most in that I have housemates and a girlfriend that visits, but shit stinks. I never thought I'd miss something as minor as hand holding this much. Nobody's built for this, but I'm especially not built for this. I can't wait until we can go out worry-free again. I miss my mates something fierce.
Hi everyone, I'm Taiga. Some of you already know me already, but I assume the majority don't. I am not depressed at the current moment, and I haven't been since like early 2020, but I have had a very long history with it dating back to when I was a very young child (around 6), though I was only diagnosed at age 19. I figured I'd write a post here to a) get stuff off my chest by rambling and b) help people currently with depression.
I don't know much about how depression is developed. Some people get it naturally, others seem to develop it after experiencing mental trauma. I think I am a mix of the two. My mum had it, and while my younger sister isn't officially diagnosed, I suspect she has it too. I've also experienced a fair share of mental trauma. My parents splitting up when I was 5/6 was a massive turning point. It may not be the only cause, but I believe it was the trigger. It was a very messy break up (he left us for another family), which left me on very bad terms with my dad for the next 10 years. My dad being the main source of income plunged my family's finances, and I grew up with my mum having to take on two quite low paying jobs to fund our (myself and my four younger sisters') living expenses and hobbies. Thankfully I could help out, as I got a job as a model. Playing Pokemon was actually great escapism, as was playing/watching football with friends.
When I got to secondary school, I entered a far more toxic environment. Anyone that went to an inner city school surrounded by high-poverty areas can relate. Living in a high crime-rate area itself was bad, but it was inescapable in school. Countless fights and bullies "forcing" you to man up and fight back. I think I developed some sort of anger issues during these years that I managed to deal with very well later. During my teenage years, I found myself overly attached to people, be it friends or love interests, reacting in ways that I now realise is a lot worse than normal when relationships broke down. I ended up cutting off nearly all of my friends, which part of me regrets, but part of me acknowledges that they were the source of a lot of toxicity.
When I was about 16, I decided to funnel all my emotions productively and dedicated most of my time to being productive in some way. I took up 5 A levels (what we study before university, imagine UK equivalent of High School), where most people do 3 or 4, competed at the two sports I did (football and karate) at pretty high levels, taught myself piano and guitar, learnt some Japanese, found professional work experience in the weeks where school was out, did volunteering work and ran my own catering business where I'd cook and sell Japanese curries to teachers every Friday. I even changed my sleep schedule to sleep and wake up earlier to help facilitate this. Friday evenings were for messing around watching anime or playing Pokemon/Yugioh, but every other minute was dedicated to being as productive as I possibly could be.
For about a year, this new me was the happiest I had been for as long as I could remember, and I started to thrive off of success, probably at its peak when doing well in the national maths olympiad and getting into uni. However, when I would find things difficult, usually due to stressing myself out by taking on too much or by comparing myself to hypothetically perfect people that I knew existed, I would feel worthless. I also felt very alone. I didn't speak to anyone about my depression ever. None of the few friends I had were anywhere near as driven as I was, either.
Depression has been taxing my life for a very long time, even playing a major part in me leaving my job in late 2019. The nature of my job (I was a stock trader at an investment bank) was not suitable for my depression. However, it was at this point that I would learn to deal with depression more healthily, and start my road to recovery. I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts over the course of my life, but I would never act on them because I am very aware of the effect it would have on the people that care about me. Also, I'm religious and it's a sin.
1). Became very close with some friends who had gone through similar experiences in life that I had. Being able to tell people anything without being judged AND while being understood felt so new to me, and I could feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders.
2). Exercising a lot. This is something I had always done, but my attitude towards it was a lot different. I was a lot more calm and composed when doing sports, instead of how I'd previously channel my negative emotions. As a result, I began enjoying my sports a lot more.
3). Making more of an effort to reconnect with old friends, and even acquaintances that I initially liked. As humans we need social interactions, and just bumping into someone from school in the park or something and having a 10 minute chat made me feel a lot more peaceful and comfortable. A lot of people were a lot more fun/interesting than I initially thought.
4). Creating some life goals worth sticking to. I won't list them here, but these were really important, as I now have a path set out for myself. Set some short term goals, mid-term goals, long-term goals, and have a think about important things you want to do by the time you die.
5). Keeping up my productivity, but giving myself some more reasonable amounts of "fun time". I do really like being productive, but everyone needs some time to kick back and relax.
6). Working with kids. I am now doing a masters degree, but in the time between my job at the investment bank and when I started my new degree, I got a job at a local primary school where I could directly see the impact my work had on the kids. Seeing their gratitude and enthusiasm grow did wonders for my mental health.
7). Diet. I've been eating a lot healthier, but also learning how to cook better too. It's made meal times a lot more enjoyable for me.
8). Listening to more upbeat music. I cut out pretty much all the overly aggressive or depressive stuff I had been listening to and started listening to songs that make me want to dance/sing/rap.
Religion helped for me, but I won't go forcing that down anyone's throat. I am, and always have been, a Christian, but as I have grown older I've been having a better time defining my relationship with it.
Over the course of about 6 months, my mental health improved significantly, and today I am pretty confident in saying that I'm no longer depressed. It may or may not come back again, but if it does I know that I am way better prepared to deal with it. It starts with the motivation. You need to want to improve really badly. Then take it bit by bit. Set yourself realistic goals, work out what works for you, and become a lot more proactive in your mental health and relationships.
I hope this was useful for someone. I am no psychologist, therapist or doctor, but if you need to talk to someone, want any specific advice, or just want to vent to someone willing to listen, my DMs are always open and you can get at me on Discord: Taiga#2991
I used to never really talk about my problems too much other then every once in a while when I get close to someone and we talk to/help each other. I don't have anyone like that anymore (even if I did I would probably just feel like a shitty person if I burdened them with all I'm about to say) because I always ruin any close friendships/relationships but I just can't hold this shit in any more so I'm just going to post some dumb probably way too long and incoherent mess of a vent here. I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish posting and honestly it's a little scary for me but fuck it I have nothing to lose anyway.
I really just want to fucking die and I probably deserve to die anyway. I was/am an awful person who had awful friends who did awful things and I blame myself for the first person I ever got close to overdosing on drugs she never used to do. I've tried to be a better person and I do think I'm a bit better but deep down I think I'm just always going to be an awful person because I still ruin everything and get upset at dumb things and do dumb things for who knows what reason despite trying to be better. I have no fucking future at all because when I realized me and my friends were awful and tried cutting ties with them I couldn't handle them giving me a taste of my own medicine and being mean to me along with all the other anxiety and shit with school I already had and I ended up dropping out of fucking high school.
When I dropped out of school then realized the girl I was talking about overdosed I hit rock bottom and came seconds away from killing myself twice. I somehow got through it using lots of escapism and giving reasons to delay killing myself until I eventually started working and things got a tiny bit better I then told myself I would never kill myself but as of now that's probably a fucking lie. I feel awful/sad/depressed/numb all the fucking time and I'm so done with it. I was actually happy at the start of the year but every time I'm happy and try to better myself I get knocked right back down and I can't handle it anymore it's not fucking worth it anymore. I have nobody I won't have anybody it's selfish of me to want anybody close to me I just ruin everything and am a horrible person that just ends up hurting everyone including myself. I thought one of these times would be different I truly did but it's always the same, it always ends up sucking because of me. I've lost essentially every friend ever and now have very few people I occasionally talk to but they'll probably either realize that I'm boring af and not a fun person who is worth talking to or that I'm just an awful person eventually and they'll be gone too, I know it's not fair to them to think that but that's how I feel. I don't know how to make new friends because of anxiety and because I'm awkward/boring/not fun and don't know how to even start or really keep a conversation going most of the time and even if I did it's just a cycle of me ruining friendships and getting new ones anyway.
Without friends it's right back to escapism but none of it fucking works anymore. Anime, video games, tv shows, movies, playing soccer, watching sports none of it works, even music barely does anything most of the time now. Sometimes mons can still be a bit fun but that's incredibly rare. Work used to be a good distraction but now there's only one day a week I work with coworkers I like and I'm really sick of being stuck working this shitty minimum wage retail job where I couldn't give a fuck about what we're selling for years while everyone else eventually moves on to do other things because they have a future and I'm just stuck in what feels like forever and it's draining. Vacations and travelling used to help quite a bit but covid ruined that one for me. The only thing that can provide something nowadays is cutting myself which I started doing again after a while of stopping. I don't cut my wrists because of the attention it would bring and I know cutting is bad but it really is the only thing that can help a bit these days. The days I don't work are just spent in my room doing basically nothing feeling either like shit or just incredibly numb.
I've tried things I've tried getting better but it's too hard and at this point what reason do I have to get better anyway. There's no reason to live anymore and I don't see myself getting a bit better this time at all. The suicidal thoughts have come back and they're quite convincing. All of this stupid pain can be over with and I can be free. Some people will be sad but the few people in my life all have other people they care about way more than me so they'll all get over it soon. I'm clinging onto these tiny slivers of hope but any hope I have ends up getting crushed so it's only a matter of time before I don't even have that.
The worst part is I did this to myself there's nobody to blame for everything that's happened to me but me and sometimes I wish I had some terrible tragedy that wasn't my fault happen to me so I'd at least have some sort of good reason for all of this or something to blame. I've just always been fucked up too hell grade 6 I tried running away from home it's been too many years of this inescapable hell that is myself and my own thoughts. Every bad thing I've done, every time I fucked things up, every bad thing said and done to me, and all the times I was happy that I no longer have just eat away at me and I can't handle it. It's obvious I need to try therapy I've probably needed it for years it's probably the last thing I might try before killing myself but it's always been scary for me and I'd have to tell my parents too which is even scarier and I don't even know how I would go about that and if they'd even consider helping. I tried telling my parents about my really bad anxiety before and that was basically brushed aside, also tried telling them I wanted to go see doctors again to try and fix this throat condition I have but they said I'm 18 now and can deal with that on my own now so that's fun. And really even if they would actually do something and help me get into therapy what's the point, even if it works for a bit which is doubtful it'll probably stop working somehow. Probably sound like a broken record at this point but I just have no motivation for anything anymore and I'm always tired. This world sucks and isn't worth living in and I'm a horrible self destructive person and a failure of a human being anyway so what's the point. I just want to die.
i've been questioning if i really belong in the position that i'm in right now. a lot of people think of me incredibly highly but i've been combating some really horrible demons the past few days that have led to me acting and performing in an incredibly volatile, unrecognizable way. a lot of people have aired their concerns to me, and with it a lot of people i've inadvertently hurt.
i question quite a lot as to if i'm really capable of being anything more than i actually am. are my contributions meaningful in any sense? am i worth anything? or am i just here because there's nobody better, and not because i actually know what i'm doing? i've made countless mistakes in the past couple weeks both socially and in my work, and i keep coming to terms with the idea that i'm simply incompetent, or at least annoying and aversive in some sense. i've averted several close friends as of late and it's killing me deep down because of how much i care about these friends, and i'm worried if they actually feel the same for me given what i've observed of them and their behavior patterns. being this much of a people analyst really does not bode well with crippling insecurities and envy, not even remotely. i've been assured on several occasions that i'm not annoying and i'm not anything i feel i am, but i can't convince myself that's the truth based on the little nuances i observe in practically everyone. there are so many variables involved with mental health, including those of other people, but sadly i've geared myself into feeling as though all of that is because of me, because i've been conditioned by everyone when i was younger that everything i say and do, and everything i am apart of, is flawed and burdensome.
this roots heavily in my relationship with my father, who never made an effort to make me and my brother feel valid in any sense, or feel loved for who we were. instead, it's all about performance and catering to one's whims. i never once felt important in any way under his care, and he did everything in his power to make us feel like absolute fucking dirt, to the point where that's all i can see myself and my abilities as. that's also not considering how so many of my old friends have completely shut down any attempt at understanding myself, and have even admitted to finding me annoying and immature. i've internalized all of this and it's something i just cant fucking free myself from
there are a lot of people i've started on equal grounds with. i can name several at the top of my head, and all of them have become incredibly powerful forces in their fields, and i'm simply here wallowing in my own self pity and inability to feel proud of myself and my accomplishments. things like this are what cause me to so heavily compare myself to other people and their abilities. i look at myself; my character, my traits, my everything, and i look at other people and they just feel so much more whole, lovely, and sweet feeling. whereas i'm a volatile asshole who can't find security for the life of them. i'm desperate to maintain a good reputation for myself, but that destructs with every passing second. i'm fucking garbage at pokemon and when people see me battle, they see that first hand. i'm garbage at drawing as my main gimmick is fluff which is stagnant, i'm garbage at being self-controlled, i'm garbage at being a warm approachable presence because people have admitted they're scared of me...,,, what the fuck am i supposed to do? how the fuck am i supposed to like someone like me who is fucking consumed in self pity, envy, and self-hatred, and lets that dictate everything about them? i dont fucking know. everyone else feels so amazing, and i would do anything to protect and support them, but when i try to think about doing the same for myself, i wince and hesitate. i'm a mess and a mess people have shown a clear disinterest in trying to help once they see how horrendously fucked up my mental health is and has been. i want help but i dont even know if i really even deserve it.
i'm sorry to anybody i've worried lately. you know who you are.
ily z strats, hang in there <3 you’re completely valid and i have faith you’re going to get through this. please let me know if you ever need anything
I am struggling so hard rn, and cant seem to get a grip on my emotions and lately have withdrawed from most social interactions other than what is needed from me, including my discord. I find it hard to message anywhere but with one friend and prep for a team tour game. I about got fired at my job today over something very stupid with somehow giving piss poor customer service to the point the customer that wanted some deli meat cut. I told the customer that it be awhile cuz i was cutting for an online order that was 2 1/2 pounds. Somehow, that was wrong, pissed him off said he never shop here again due to poor customer service and went to management about it. Because of that i was sent to the back office by the store manager, just to not understand what i done wrong and told me next time its a termination due to the many complaints from customers and co-workers alike dispite giving me 35-40 hours a week(im full time, but I believe that they can cut my hours or put me back part-time). While I try to not show my emotions in my team tours, its getting very hard for me not to, as I have no one to talk to, and it feels like i am screaming into a black void. I cannot find anything to keep my interest for more than a 1 h or 1h and a 1/2 max and spend the rest of my time off of work struggling to do anything with my hobbies or do simple things like cleaning my room or doing my chores at home. I feel like I will never be accepted anywhere and doomed to be an outcast due to my personality, short temper (still think its something more sereve, but i wont self-dio myself), and trouble accepting the world is against me when it feels like it is. I have withdrawed from smogon for the most part and ps, only really active in C&C, tours, and roa host nights, but other than that, i dont do much with pokemon anymore and i believe it is a number of factors of why my interest has went down that people will say i brought on myself, which some of them all, but not all of them. I been a target of haressment, lgbt+ bullying, and even had a doxxing incident in my time on smogon.com (said user is banned). I have a very hard time trusting people due to past events, and feel like i never be accepted by any community that I want to be apart of. Everyone gangs up against me, and the joy the game brought me is gone, I just cant find myself to quit, but more than likely im taking a loa after umpl or if i dont make it, after all my current tours finishes. I am finding it harder to play my tour games, and motivation to prep because of how the communities im in feels me and results I make dont matter cuz people dont like me, nor give me another chance despite changing a lot of my bad habits. I tried to get qc multiple times, did am checks, ask qc to look at them and never got feedback to know what I can approve upon. I used to spend time online chatting on the ps rooms and building new teams for the many tiers I play everyday, now I rarely build outside tours and read the metagame thread and watch tour replays to keep up with the metagame trends. I honestly dont think I can find the will to live much longer, and it feels like each time I fix something i find a way to make it worse and fall deeper into depression and feel more and more alone and wanting to find an easy way to die. I feel tired all the time, and sleep is not fixing it, even when i slept for 12+ hours on my days off the last week or two, it made me feel worse. I dunno what to do anymore, I feel unhappy, feel alone, feels like no one understands me, or why the past makes me recat the way I do. I just want to be normal, accepeted by soceity, I just wanna have friends like everyone else, i just want to feel like i have a home, i wanna function like a normal human being, i want to have a gf, i want to be out irl and dont have to worry about being kicked out. I want to delete my account and start over, to fix what i cannot fix by pretending to be someone else. I want my badges gone because i dont deserve them. I want to transfer to another retail store to start anew, the get rid of this stigma, but that isnt happeneing. I cant do anything right, i dont belong anywhere, and really really believe that death is the only way to feel happy.
I'm anxious and depressed all the time, most of the time I can put up some sort of happy friendly facade and attempt to hide that, but sometimes I just need to get it out.
Firstly, my home life is pretty horrendous at the moment. My father threatens to kick me out repeatedly unless I stop taking my medication, he comments on things that shouldn't concern him (my breasts, my hair, what I wear) all the time and trying to be comfortable in my own home is getting more and more difficult by the day. I don't really know what I expected. I thought he'd grow more accepting over time but I've since given up on him actually ever accepting me or respecting me. He tells me I'll "never get a better job as a f*ggot", that "I'm an embarrassment to the family" despite the fact I'm still hiding the fact I'm trans and bi to his relatives. He's horrible and transphobic, he used to pretend to care about what I was going through, but now I'm actually making steps towards trying to be happy, his attitude has gotten worse again. At this point, the only way I see my life working out is if I give up on transitioning. Sure I won't be happy with myself at all, but I'll have a roof over my head, I'll be able to get better employment, I'll make my father get off my case. Life would be a lot easier. I feel horrible all the time and my coping mechanism is just to try to block it out and not think about it at all, and when that doesn't work, I get as drunk as I can. A lot of my friends worry about me drinking all the time, but I try to assure them it's just fun for me. I can't stand the taste of alcohol, I can't stand how I feel the day after getting drunk, but I still do it.
My only escape from this mess is drinking, and well I can attempt to mitigate it by spending time on this website, but that brings me into the second thing that has me stressed all the time. There's a certain person on this website that causes me nothing but anxiety. The fact that they're still allowed on here, I cannot fathom why. Basically, I used to have a really close friend on here, that one day asked me if I'd be willing to try a long-distance relationship with her, which I decided to give a shot. This was the biggest mistake of my life. What followed was excessive emotional abuse and manipulation, cheating on me twice (once with a minor, she was 25), threatening to kill herself to prevent me from leaving her or telling anyone about the relationship, only to reveal two years into this relationship that she had been lying about most things she'd been telling me from the day I met her, and had been giving me medical advice under the false guise of experience. She's allegedly been reported to senior staff twice, and yet nothing has happened, I don't expect anything to ever happen. This website, and the people on this website are the closest thing I have to an escape from the real world at the moment, and her name always coming up, really sours any time I spend on here. She was temporarily banned for a while and that helped a lot, but now she's back, and she's active. I worry about her getting close to other people and hurting them, I worry about the fact that she's a predator that's still allowed to access this website full of minors. I don't even know what I can do now, because her old discord account was deactivated and any evidence I have that she was like this is either saved in a random screenshot somewhere or not accessible at all. The best thing I can do is warn people about her, and even then I feel like it's not enough, I didn't know about the minor she was dating for six months, what if something like that happens again. I feel so useless, because I should be able to stop her in some way but I just don't know what that is anymore. I don't even know whether to put her name here, but since I don't want to be bombarded with PMs asking who it is, and I want people to know about what she's done and to be cautious of her, I will: Cynara.
no need to be cautious anymore, she's banned. proud of you for opening up;words can't really describe your bravery in not being afraid to speak up and speak your truth. hoping this will bring you some closure.
i'm really sorry you're dealing with a lot at home. i know it's probably the heaviest weight on your shoulders and hope that you're able to find a way to remove yourself from that situation by any means necessary (when you finally do please update!!!) sending some love to all the people that posted in this thread as well, hoping things improve exponentially
I honestly don't even know where to start, but here we go. I've been depressed off and on since roughly my junior year of high school. It's been especially apparent recently and I've been feeling myself start to spiral again, so I guess I just felt compelled to formally get down my thoughts somewhere to know what I need to do to get back into one of those elusive positive swings again.
I've always been a really quiet kid and a lot of it has been due to accumulated social anxiety. Growing up, I always had my tight knit group of friends through elementary school and middle school, at least on a social level. We'd hang out and do whatever, mostly just fucking around and having a good time. The thing is though that while they all evolved into the people they eventually did, I just grew further and further away from all of them as we moved into a huge ass high school. Despite being 'well-liked' a lot of those early years, I always had this deep-rooted fear of getting bullied. I mean, it makes sense given all the horror stories and shit, and I'm not trying to belittle anyone who's been through those kinds of awful situations, and that's exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping to avoid. From age 15ish on, I just had this natural fear of not being accepted in whatever capacity, so therefore I would never feel good enough for those around me. I'd be on the same 'level' or whatever as whoever I'd talk to in that time frame, but I progressively just got worse and worse when it came to social anxiety and simply being comfortable in my own skin. Now, I always had my group of friends and all that, but it was really just people I'd play sports with or talk to in the halls or whatever. I was all but closed off emotionally, due in large part to just wanting to be universally accepted and liked, which of course isn't 100% realistic.
I could make this part like 500 paragraphs and have to a decent amount of people on this site, but I ended up going away to a college where I didn't know anyone beforehand. It was a smallish private school (which naturally was not cheap by any means), and in my head, it was the perfect setting to 're-invent' myself, and be that kind of person I always hoped to be in high school. Very very very long-story short, it didn't happen. In fact, it would've been really flipping hard for it to have gone any worse. As many dingus 18-year-olds do, I was wayyyy off when it came to picking my initial major, and jesus christ I nuked almost all those classes out the gate. Luckily, I did have a solid cushion from gen ed dual credit classes from high school, but between my shitty grades and eventually switching majors down the line anyway, it essentially boiled down to a lost year academically. So, based on that, you could objectively say I threw money on a fire for a year, but it was college, at least I had fun right?
Simply put, no. That aforementioned social anxiety just kept compounding on itself, especially with the constant feeling of the academic failures looming over my head. Like I said, I could go on and on about this whole year, but I'll try to keep it shortish. My first roommate was international, and he naturally got pretty close to the other international kids, and I was kind of the odd man out in those circles despite my initial efforts. He ended up moving out, and after living on my own for a bit in the dorm, I was assigned a new roommate. We actually hit it off pretty well and I consider him to be a pretty good friend to this day. The thing was though, that despite our common interests and social chemistry, I always had that looming feeling that I'd be stepping over some kind of boundary or whatever whenever he asked me if I wanted to do something with him and his close circle of friends. The thing was that I actually got along well with all of them, but that feeling just wouldn't leave me. Blah blah, I kept turning down offers to hang out and he eventually stopped asking me because he just expected 'no's after a certain point. It remains one of my biggest regrets to this day, because by the time I knew I wouldn't be coming back to that school 100%, I really just started to give less of a shit and ended up having some good times with all of them.
The thing was, it took a lot to get to that point. I had never ever ever felt more alone, and this is coming from someone who'd never had a 'close' friend and never really realized it. Like I said, I had been all but closed off emotionally, and didn't see anything all too off about it. It took a lot of miscellaneous crying random nights to come to the conclusion that I wasn't right mentally. I sought out therapy through the school, which was ultimately kind of fruitless to be completely honest, but exploring my own mental issues at the time was a positive in of itself. Speaking of, a big part of this recognition was ironically my roommate's girlfriend. She was legitimately the first person I opened up to and grew an attachment towards, a feeling I had unknowingly desired after all this time. Naturally, feelings started to develop, but out of respect for my roommate and her, who were by far my best friends on that campus, I kept my feelings in check and simply tried to enjoy the academically-meaningless time I still had left that second semester. On top of that, there was always this feeling that she had developed some sort of attachment to me, which I tried to ignore, but many of my friends that I talked to about it were pretty keen on her showing some signals. Again, I tried to ignore them and moved on.
I've talked about this a lot more in depth with some people on here, but I don't want to include all too many details. Long-story short again, I was pretty drunk one night late in that following summer, and she snapped me. She essentially led me on, purely to find out if I had feelings for her, and it really really hurt me emotionally considering she was the first person I had ever really confided with on that kind of level. I blocked her and tried to forget about what I considered to be a 'rock-bottom' of a year for me. I transferred to the college in my home town, moving in with my parents again, and basically went through the motions, still reeling from that interaction over the summer. I legitimately hated my life.
Fast forward to the following fall, where I was still not 100% alright emotionally because of what had happened, and I had a very forgettable year which happened to be fine academically. After a super tough summer of working roughly 65 hours a week between landscaping and dishwashing, it my freshman year of college started to weigh heavily on me again. I made the decision to reach out to my old roommate's girlfriend. I just wanted to get everything off my chest, about why and how what she did hurt me. The thing was though that she was the only person there for me when I needed it more than ever, and I told her because of that, she could always talk to me if she needed anything. I'm not going to go into detail of what she said, but she had long been through depressive stages herself and that year hiatus of not talking to her saw her in some deep depths of it. Ultimately, it felt like a huge huge huge weight off my shoulders, and that I could finally accept all that happened my freshman year, whether it was the 90% bad or the 10% good. All that suffering brought about an important lesson. The hard times are shitty of course, but you can't just put your tail between your legs and try to forget about it. It's especially crucial to take whatever negative experience and try to make something positive of it.
Here we get to the last year or so, which up until coronavirus happened, was one of the better times of my life. For what seemed like the first time, I was happy with who I was, and at my new job, which constantly forced me to interact with new people on a daily basis, I ended up meeting some really good friends. As one could expect, coronavirus did kind of derail all my progress to that point and I found myself in that same type of isolation as I'd grown accustomed to for years. A big thing though was that I really wasn't expecting to stay with this grocery job for so long, hoping to get an internship or something over the summer, but those hopes were completely thrown to the wayside.
----
Alright so here we are today. It seems like there's always some kind of tipping point for this stuff, and for me, it was Sunday the 4th, when I found out that one of my old high school friends, as well as another really good family friend, had both passed away over the weekend. This high school friend wasn't someone I was particularly close with, but he was another one of my friends that I was constantly talking and laughing with. The key connection here was that he was one of the first people I ever worked out with around age 15 or so. If you know me in any capacity, you're probably familiar with just how important fitness and lifting has become for me over the years. It was especially apparent that god-awful freshman year, where it was my only outlet to do something productive and get away from the day-to-day pressures for some period of time. I spent what was basically late Sunday to Wednesday just crying and crying. Every time I would go to work out, it would be impossible not to think of the amazing times we had together. Back then, as a very skinny kid, it was one of my life goals to bench 135 lbs, as limited a goal as it may sound. I must've failed it 10 different times with him spotting me, a smile on his face every time. Needless to say, I've come a long long way since then, but those are the types of memories that really stick out given my passion for the activity. He was just such a positive influence on everyone around him and it was completely devastating to find out that he had overdosed.
Like I mentioned, it served as some kind of tipping point for me. For months and months, I had felt that something resembling that same gradual downward spiral which crept up that hell-spawned freshman year of college, and it all came to a head as of late. I'm not afraid to say that over the last couple weeks or so I had been drinking out of nothing but pure angst or sadness. I don't believe I'm anywhere near the level of depression I felt back then, but it's honestly my worst fear to fall into that same feeling of uselessness and eternal depression. I don't want to fall into that same cycle where my only fulfillment is hitting x arbitrary number in whatever lifting exercise. Where all this ties in with those 19 context paragraphs is that the worse my depression/anxieties start to creep, is the worse my social anxiety is. This is especially apparent given that I'm supposed to graduate college roughly a year from now, and I don't have any experience in the field. Also, moving out hasn't been made any easier with the current climate of things.
Idk who the fuck would read all this, but it was important for me to get it down somewhere to reference in the future. The thing is, it's so so so so much easier to get down on yourself and be sad than it is to go the other direction. I don't know what it is, but it's just something I've noticed over the years. Like I've said to this point, there are people I've told all of this shit to some extent, and shockingly, most of them are friends from this website. I'm not scared or embarrassed or whatever else to say that my closest friends on an emotional level come from here. I can't thank them enough for their time and willingness to give me guidance or simply an ear to bitch into, but at the same time, I'm tired of doing so. I hope this marks a point where I can legitimately pivot and shift things back into the right direction, and for Logan's sake, I swear I will.
If anyone on here needs someone to talk to, I know what this type of worthlessness feels like, at least to some extent, and I can't stress enough how helpful it is to practice introspection and simply talk about all your bullshit from time to time. For those purposes, my discord is pak#1187, don't hesitate to reach out if need be.
Alright we're back. So as I said in this other post like 6 months ago, the biggest issue for me was always just not liking who I was, whether it was how I acted socially, my voice, being too skinny/unathletic in the old days, etc. etc. For whatever reason, I just couldn't allow myself to be happy or satisfied with who I was. I knew for years and years and years that quite literally no one actually cared about all this stuff even close to how much I did, but idk man it just happens. Couple that with the fact that my school work ethic has never been anything spectacular despite doing really well on all this standardized test bs that would indicate my grades should be really good too, and it always felt like I wasn't living up to my potential, socially or academically. I mean in any setting, it's hard not to look at some of the people around you, and most of the time you only see their Ws and not their own shit they're going through and simply feel insignificant or like a failure as a result. This is the kind of stuff that endlessly haunted me for a solid 21.5 years.
But here we are today. At the end of my last post, I mentioned meeting a good group of friends at my job. Well, in the last few months with coronavirus starting to cool off a bit, I have been much more active socially, especially with them. Ever since basically new years day on the dot, following a horrendous hangover, I've, for the most part, just been happy. With these people, despite the fact that there have been 500 different hiccups along the way, I truly feel like I can be myself and not worry about all this bullshit that's held me back in the past. It's been such a big contrast, as for so long, I would try to avoid any social situation purely so I wouldn't have an opportunity to fuck it up, or turn down going to a party because I wasn't sure if I'd fit in well enough or whatever else. Things along those lines.
I don't want this to sound too cringe or preachy, but these last 3.5 months have made me realize some stuff that I just wanted to share here to help even 1 person who may have dealt with similar issues in the past, and as far as I know, it isn't all that unique. I've thought about this a lot, and the conclusion I kinda reached is that it's not like I'm getting validation directly from this group of friends, but they allowed me to see that if I simply gave myself a chance all these years, maybe things could've gone much differently. It's so easy to confine ourselves to these distinct comfort zones because shit is fucking scary. I mean, it is, no way around it, but it's no excuse to deny yourself whatever it is that you truly want if it's in reasonable reach. It isn't going to be an overnight thing obviously and it's much easier said than done. But again it goes back to what I mentioned 6 months ago about getting down on yourself when shit goes sideways. It's so much easier just to let all these negative thoughts and feelings snowball, but in the end that isn't going to solve anything. If there's an issue, then try to take some sort of step in the right direction day by day, week by week, whatever. It's the only way to change things for the better. Again, I can't stress enough that I have the utmost respect for everyone here, especially those who have gone through situations undoubtedly much much worse than mine, so hopefully this didn't come off as 5000 cliches, just some stuff I wanted to share that's helped me personally. All I can say is, for the first time in probably 6 years or so, I can wake up, look in the mirror, and be content with who I am and all the struggles along the way were entirely worth it. I'll inevitably have some rough patches again and I'm still not perfect by any means. Still, get some positive momentum going, and I swear it'll compound on itself and leak into other aspects of life. Please just give yourself a chance.
There aren't a ton of people I've talked about this with, considering I don't have a ton of serious convos on here besides with my really close friends. Basically, and I know already I'm not close to alone on this, my relationship with this game was so bad for so long. As some of you may know, I've been getting back into playing again after taking a step back over the last year-year and a half or so. Before that hiatus, I had a number of issues that constantly irked me about this objectively dog shit game I was pretty addicted to. The first one was my utter lack of confidence. I had a good amount of tour success, whether it was in the UU community or officials from like 2017-2019, but the only fun I really ever had was in two departments: talking with friends and building. When it came to the games, especially on the official level, I'd be a nervous wreck at all times, constantly pushing into my head that I wasn't good enough or that I was a fraud or whatever else. This is such a subjective game in the battles themselves, you can honestly convince yourself of any narrative you want, for better or worse. For every loss, it'd be the end of the world. I'd be irrationally mad / sad / whatever for days at a time or more. For any win, the satisfaction I got was probably 20% as good as the feeling of any loss was bad. Shit, even in the wins, any singular misplay would like burn itself into my head and ultimately ruin any enjoyment there was to be had. I mean, in a way this aspect was good in helping me to try to constantly improve, but at what cost?
The other big one that jumps out was using this game as some sort of medium for validation. I had no confidence in this game or in real life for essentially that entire run, so admittedly, some degree self worth was associated with winning a given variance-based Pokemon best of 1. That is fucking stupid. I mean, it's going to happen here and there since we're all competitive and all that, but you should never feel exceedingly worse about yourself because you double switched on the wrong turn or because some dude on the internet you'll never meet doesn't think you're good enough. Who fucking cares. This game is a hobby. Maybe .0001% of us can make a living off of it, so use it for what it's actually intended for: an avenue for fun, whether it's the game itself or the amazing people you meet. It is so impossibly easy to forget that with this dog shit game, and for the first time, I feel like I have actually enjoyed it. It's no coincidence that in this same 3.5 month stretch or so, I've simply been more confident with this game too and not been beating myself up over tiny little mistakes or losses that will inevitably happen from time to time. There's nothing wrong with going back and finding ways to improve of course, but it shouldn't consumer your entire experience. We come on here for enjoyment above all else, and I just wanted to tack this on here to give another reminder.
Didn't strictly intend for this to be a 3AM post, but I suppose there was enough in the writing for it to turn out that way, haha.
Hi all. I posted very briefly here before. I have been making advances, though, so I would like to return in stronger form. Maybe I can help, maybe I can chronicle and better understand myself. Whatever comes. I understand parts of this may seem strange, naive, or even silly to some. But... it's my story, and I'm slowly getting better at sharing myself with others in healthy ways. This message is still raw in many ways; I am improving at sharing, not "finished"! I don't mean to imply that "hiding" my rawness is the way to be healthy, but rather that my healthier self will be less dependent on the power of this rawness to bridge the gap between myself and others, even if the rawness remains a power I can wield. If that's a bit confusing, my apologies, but perhaps it will make sense if you return after reading. Or maybe not! If nothing else, this will be a read. And I promise after the "background" it comes back to depression.
If you know me, you may know I am "on and off" in some ways. I can go from very calm to very invested quickly. I am bruised easily but heal easily. I can panic at basic conversation but can suddenly tell my life story sometimes! I have long accepted this as "my rhythm", but I am learning it used to be unhealthy in the past. I would have stretches, across months even, where I felt little passion. For that reason and others, one might call such times... depression. And this missing passion would boil over in "storms" where seemingly minor impacts would send me in tears, or more. I eventually came to know these seemingly-minor impacts as my "pins"; they are the small, sharp points, be they people, characters, words, music, or ideas, that help broader ideas "penetrate" into me. I even shudder a bit at writing "pins" in this public message; I assign some power to me effectively using it to capture an idea important to me, a purpose of language I have long struggled with but have improved to some extent. One could even say the word "pin" helps pin the idea of pins into me, hah.
This language idea, as I've learned, can't be fully divorced from my story with depression. What I now call "my voice" started just as minor letter alterations to help me write poetry for a course more comfortably, but I have greatly expanded it (although surely not to conlang status, words are often ephemeral and incomplete), and me using it to understand myself means this story is incomplete without it. Because I understand "my voice" as not just as "my voice", but perhaps more strongly as la(nata) e(scarrɘ): "the (my) script", echoing its original purpose. I will incorporate la e when it fits in here, reflecting script and translation as best (yet imperfectly) as I can. See also la épana(tazi`a) - "(the system of) the pins". You can use this for both a glimpse into my head and to see some particular ways I exercise power (la qomandana "the command(...ance?)") over language. I had serious difficulty with language when I was very young; I learned to read far before I could talk, and my doctor apparently "pre-diagnosed" me as autistic. My parents got me serious therapy from a well-known local institution, and in time my speech manifested (fiuw`à "to bloom/grow/flower/fountain"), and I was not diagnosed as autistic. I wonder if there are roots (la tarana(tesa), "the (web of) threads") connecting what you see here to that time.
If by miracle you're still reading after the language business, college has been very good for me. The aloneness, and maybe other things, has let me discover myself with much greater strength and depth. For much time, my "storms" (la raiì`a't "the rages" or la turma't "the storms/rotations") increased in frequency; they were not always happy, but they advanced the truth of discovering myself (la jhustin`-eì`a "the justice that is"), something that is fundamentally very important to me (la teressina, "the / a truth / treasure"), and I was always grateful after. However, about a year and a half ago, there was one particularly intense storm, with a pin that may feel out of place for such an important event: Super Mario Galaxy. It's a great game, for sure, but it's my favorite game for the emotional impacts it had. I was young when I played it, and it helped teach me to wonder and to cry.
Anyway, I was on a walk, something I often do, listening to the absolutely amazing Galaxy soundtrack, particularly the music for the Gate. The Gate relates to Rosalina's storybook in the game; she left Earth and is in space, but she comes back to the Gate every 100 years to say hi, I guess. As the storybook tells you, Rosalina had a lot of fun in space, but she had to cope with the sadness stemming from the starry sky (la ataranna, "the place of the stars") not having... any other humans, really, particularly her family. As I listened to the Gate, I felt... the opposite problem, really. I felt like how I saw things, how I handled things important to me (la jheuwa "one's justice"); they would never be compatible in the ways I wanted with the rest of the world. That I could live and get along, sure, but I could never find what I truly wanted unless I was away from everybody else on this planet. All of a sudden... I imagined myself writing a note to my family, taking a gun, going to some marshes by campus (I have considered myself la (m)harafora "the march (margraviate's) flower"), and shooting myself. If I couldn't find what I wanted here on earth, maybe passing on could take me to the stars, and maybe, somehow, I could end up feeling at home. It was uniquely the time where killing myself felt so real. I knew I had to choose between that, and between trying still to find my fate among humanity. I chose the latter.
I have been making much progress since then, and I can feel it. It is harder to reflect on because it is newer, but I will try still. One notable storm afterwards was a positive-feeling one I carried on for almost a day; it was of course not as intense as others, but I still felt substantially different for the duration. That was just the beginning, though. Discrete storms are becoming less frequent, replaced by just living with more of that intensity in my regular flow. A bit less "on and off" so to speak. This shouldn't be read as "good thing the storms are gone", but as an encouraging sign I'm improving my daily life with passion, even if that life happens to have less discrete storms. What's more, this new flow has helped me discover something else: what I'm truly afraid of most.
Thwackey. God I live a daily nightmare that this disgusting, urine and feces-ridden, loathesome monkey will one day become real and terrorize my being with its mere revolting, putrid presence.
I kid, of course. I'm most afraid of being "lost" (enjhe'ana, "having no legitimate point in doing". the word is rooted in la jheuwa... think about it). Both of these ideas poke at what I mean but, if I wanted to be most thorough, I'd say "where my personal agency is not sincerely present in the way that I feel it should be". To integrate all three, if I'm doing something without a "legitimate" point, I am lost as to where my self fits into things. (Don't take "legitimate" the wrong way, things like "screwing around" and "being random because why not" can be legitimate if I sincerely desire them) . One reason I struggled to expand beyond depression was because, even if I knew possible "answers", I didn't understand them enough in the combined result of rational and irrational/subconscious thinking. And I'm scared of doing something I don't understand because I'll be lost. And I'm scared of being forced to do anything (including deadlines) because, if I'm being forced and not doing it of my own will, I don't understand it and I'm lost. And if I feel like I'm wrongly pressuring myself into doing something, this pressure is not a "legitimate" reason because it's not my "sincere" desire, so I'm lost, and things I enjoy can become poisoned because I feel pressured to make the most of them. Even if you don't understand all the pieces, could you see how all this could be a problem?? In hindsight, I realize I've depended on certain structures to avoid this fear and oversimplify my personal role in "life", although the limiting effects of these structures is decreasing over time, which is good! First was my "fairy days" (la fî`ana. if you're wondering what "fairy" has to do with anything, think in between "fey" and "fay"), where I overprioritized my self-value on thinking and reacting in different ways from others. (One could wonder if this had a partial role in some events!?) Then was my overprioritzation of using my justice (la jhustina) to find the honest-to-god Truth™ about myself and things around me. Being okay with diverging and being true to yourself are both good, but neither should dominate who you are! Notably, it's okay to want things even if they don't fit into known ideas about who you are! Maybe in time I'll look on some things now in this way. But it's getting better all the same.
I've started learning to address that fear. How? It's complicated... and it being complicated tells you part of the answer. If I'm deeply accepting things I don't fully understand without panicked fear about myself... yeah. That's kind of the point. Woo! It's kind of a chicken-and-egg situation, and I'm not really sure how it got started... which makes me a bit afraid, which means I'm now reverting back to the fear I want to avoid? Not exactly. One major step I've taken is sometimes, when I get afraid, doing the exact opposite of trying to avoid it: stopping, catching my breath, and attending to it sincerely (la atenda / la atendána "attendance to / service") as if it were a friend. After all, the fear is part of myself, and I want to be a good friend to the person that is myself. When I want to be a good friend, I try to be caring, kind, and gentle, but also not reductive. I'm not "just a victim"; I will grow to new heights. I also want to give a friend (or a sincere fear) a place in my heart but not dominance over my life. I think this has helped me both learn why I am afraid and gradually grow beyond it without papering over it.
I just realized I wrote this entire post without mentioning my trans-ness (la laszona "the bestowance"), what I am beginning instead to call my femininity (la lassatana "the ladyship"). But... I've kind of wrote about it already. Much of what I've said applies to it as well in some way or another. It has grown with the rest of myself and I hope for that to continue onward.
There is more that could be said, I am sure, but this will do for now. If you wish to discuss such things with me, do reach out, and I will hope to attend to you as I can. But I ask that you message me on Smogon or Discord and not PS, as to prevent self-pressure on response time / nature. From my visible raw nature in some respects, I may answer questions that other may not, but also I may not answer some questions (at least, successfully, anyway) that others would. Meresena qa ta assenata-a re`ona' econa... I mean, may I advance further as to return here. (or "It would be merciful if I rose to reunite (with you) and stand (here) again") I also hope you all fare as well as you may.
First of all I hope everyone here is ok and stays safe, pandemic has taken a tight rope around us, but together we can pull through that and I hope that everyone will feel better soon! Don't give up, you are all wonderful, amazing people, with so many unique, different, and amazing talents and personalities, which make the world complete and better! I hope everyone of you gets the help they need and if there is anything you want to talk about, just let us know, we listen to everyone!
I give up a trigger warning here, that is why i put it in spoilers, as unwarned, this might leave a negative impact on somebody and this is the last thing I want, so please be cautious and decide for yourself, if you want to read it, again TRIGGERWARNING!
my own health has decreased a lot, first and foremost my mental health, after suffering hefty depression for years and years, i just feel overwhelmed and emotionless to the point that i basically don't feel anything anymore.
its gotten to a point where i - when i type in a typical 'LOL' or 'LMAO' that i in actuality cry. its just automatism leaving me to the point that - even tho i cry my eyes out - i just type that in. i always am of the mindset not to bother people with me, myself, and i, and my problems regarding myself. but recently it has taken so much off of my last energy i have had left; it doesn't help when a close family member also suffers from a heart attack where it is required to him (my father) for undergoing a surgery for stents inside the heart. the issue here is, i seperated paths with him in an un-good way, so my head, my mindset, all my emotions are getting eaten up to the point, should i visit him or not? we seperated ways in a very bad way, so i do not know wether or not i should visit him in the hospital. id wish i could visit him very deeply in my heart, but something really pulls me back and i don't know what exactly it is.
these are one of the dozens and dozens of things, which left me basically 'dead inside', emtionless, drained out of all energy, the last small reserves i have left.
furthermore the pain of dealing with other things like the feeling of being worthless, to nobodys help, they have eaten me up entirely. i just don't know if i am to anyones help, when i feel like shit (sorry for the blunt word) each and every day. id wish i could do more for people, help out more, than only listening, but i cant, due to once again no energy left anymore.
typing all of this is a pain too, since i have some issues with the nerves in my hands to which, when a weather change occurs or smth related like that, that my hands are hurting, it comes to the point that i do need painkillers to stop that pain for at least some hours.
i also have a phobia against bacterias, which makes my daily life a livin' desaster, i can't go out like anybody else could do, even buying food in the nearby store is a mental marathon by itself.
getting bullied from day 1 in school also contributes to the fact that i feel this way like i do right now. i just feel so dead inside, that i a feel overwhelmed by everything! i look at smth and i feel immediately and instantly overwhelmed, and all of these factors contribute to me suffering in thoughts of "I want to feel smth else", but being left emotinless and with no mental energy anymore can't give me the point of feeling smth resulting into thoughts of selfharm, JUST to feel anything! i am sorry and apologize in advance if anyone feels triggered by it, it was, is, and will never be the intention of me, this why i gave out the trigger warning right at the beginning.
but yea i just want to feel something, but being mentally drained out, emotinless, and left crying all day has eaten me up too much.
i just hope that my mental health will increase again, and so do i hope for you guys! pls stay safe and strong! and thank you for reading.
First of all I hope everyone here is ok and stays safe, pandemic has taken a tight rope around us, but together we can pull through that and I hope that everyone will feel better soon! Don't give up, you are all wonderful, amazing people, with so many unique, different, and amazing talents and personalities, which make the world complete and better! I hope everyone of you gets the help they need and if there is anything you want to talk about, just let us know, we listen to everyone!
I give up a trigger warning here, that is why i put it in spoilers, as unwarned, this might leave a negative impact on somebody and this is the last thing I want, so please be cautious and decide for yourself, if you want to read it, again TRIGGERWARNING!
my own health has decreased a lot, first and foremost my mental health, after suffering hefty depression for years and years, i just feel overwhelmed and emotionless to the point that i basically don't feel anything anymore.
its gotten to a point where i - when i type in a typical 'LOL' or 'LMAO' that i in actuality cry. its just automatism leaving me to the point that - even tho i cry my eyes out - i just type that in. i always am of the mindset not to bother people with me, myself, and i, and my problems regarding myself. but recently it has taken so much off of my last energy i have had left; it doesn't help when a close family member also suffers from a heart attack where it is required to him (my father) for undergoing a surgery for stents inside the heart. the issue here is, i seperated paths with him in an un-good way, so my head, my mindset, all my emotions are getting eaten up to the point, should i visit him or not? we seperated ways in a very bad way, so i do not know wether or not i should visit him in the hospital. id wish i could visit him very deeply in my heart, but something really pulls me back and i don't know what exactly it is.
these are one of the dozens and dozens of things, which left me basically 'dead inside', emtionless, drained out of all energy, the last small reserves i have left.
furthermore the pain of dealing with other things like the feeling of being worthless, to nobodys help, they have eaten me up entirely. i just don't know if i am to anyones help, when i feel like shit (sorry for the blunt word) each and every day. id wish i could do more for people, help out more, than only listening, but i cant, due to once again no energy left anymore.
typing all of this is a pain too, since i have some issues with the nerves in my hands to which, when a weather change occurs or smth related like that, that my hands are hurting, it comes to the point that i do need painkillers to stop that pain for at least some hours.
i also have a phobia against bacterias, which makes my daily life a livin' desaster, i can't go out like anybody else could do, even buying food in the nearby store is a mental marathon by itself.
getting bullied from day 1 in school also contributes to the fact that i feel this way like i do right now. i just feel so dead inside, that i a feel overwhelmed by everything! i look at smth and i feel immediately and instantly overwhelmed, and all of these factors contribute to me suffering in thoughts of "I want to feel smth else", but being left emotinless and with no mental energy anymore can't give me the point of feeling smth resulting into thoughts of selfharm, JUST to feel anything! i am sorry and apologize in advance if anyone feels triggered by it, it was, is, and will never be the intention of me, this why i gave out the trigger warning right at the beginning.
but yea i just want to feel something, but being mentally drained out, emotinless, and left crying all day has eaten me up too much.
i just hope that my mental health will increase again, and so do i hope for you guys! pls stay safe and strong! and thank you for reading.
I've been following your situation in this thread for quite a while now, especially since I can relate to a lot of the points that you mention.
As I've mentioned before, I can in fact see a lot of my old self from 10 years ago in the you that you've been describing, more than I want to admit.
We've never really interacted, you and I, but anybody that browses the Smogon website even just a little bit can notice your presence.
Hence why it's safe for me to assume that I speak for a lot of us when I say that, contrary to your personal belief, you are a useful and helpful person.
This is such a cliché-ridden phrase. I know, since I was told the exact same thing over and over again during times in which I found it hard to believe.
That's unfortunately how depression works: it clouds your mind and chooses to exclusively focus on the bad thoughts erring in your mind.
I mean, this is just a Pokémon website, but the efforts that you put into contributing and communicating with fellow forumgoers are legit nonetheless. Jeder ist seines Glückes Schmied, as they say in your language. Every little success can become a building block to shape happiness.
However, I can tell you from personal experience that it can become an unhealthy coping mechanism to the point where one burns out even more.
People here won't hold it against you or judge you if you need to take a break every now and then. Eile mit Weile, as they say in your language.
I'll keep this short since, from personal experience, I know how frustrating it can be to receive advice from outsiders, pointing out the blatantly obvious.
This message was predominantly meant to be a reminder that you are not alone and that there are people that "understand".
That's also one of the many wicked characteristics of depression, isn't it? The feeling of "Nobody can understand/relate".
However, despite the fact that I used the word "understand", I'm not claiming to know "exactly" how you feel, because that's not true.
Nobody can ever fully tell what's going on inside an individual's head and, sometimes, pretending to do so can be more belittling than helpful.
I also wanted to address some points regarding the situation concerning your father, but I'm feeling hesitant, as I do not want to be intrusive.
Sometimes, people needing to vents just want to be heard and don't need to hear or read advice from armchair pyschologists online.
Hence why I wanted to propose, out of respect, that you can reach out to me about it in DMs if you want to and only if you want to.
Hmm didn't notice this thread before... I'll open up and share some of my experiences - perhaps they will help others.
First, I'd like to say something that I think is important for everyone to read. It's the same thing I say to all of my "sons and daughters" on Smogon.
1) Life is shit. It will always be shit. Shit will always come your way. You will always have to deal with Shit. Hence: Life is not about mitigating Shit, it's about navigating through Shit. This builds character.
2) The goal is to become a kind, humble champion. To be able to not lose ourselves while we deal with shit, but still be able to traverse through Life and stand on our own two feet. It's important to have standards. It's more important to build an internal code.
3) We're the type of people where we genuinely learn from our mistakes. Our mistakes are big. They really impact us, and affect us. It's very easy, almost too easy, to lose sight of the important things when dealing with the impact of our mistakes. Hence: our goal is to keep our eye on the important things.
4) When aiming to self-improve, you cannot, on a fundamental level, compare your growth by looking at others. Yes, perception affects the accessibility you have in life, and yes that perception matters if things aren't going your way. But ultimately, the only "best" you should be is the "best version of you". Once you're able to do that and take care of yourself, you'll be able to take care of others and all perceptions will acclimate accordingly.
5) None of the above matters if you cannot fundamentally learn to let things go, and forgive the people who wronged you and forgive yourself for showing hatred towards them. Shaming yourself will only bring you back to a place of despair. Be patient with yourself and let wonder into your life.
Admittedly, I had a fairly good life growing up. My parents worked very hard as immigrants to Canada and through extended family support and straight-up hustling, we managed to get into a decent financial position. For this and for all of their efforts, I am very grateful.
Culturally, I was very different from every Canadian - I was a niche within a niche, as a Kafkazi Russian Jew. My culture was so specific and assertive that I bumped heads with many different people growing up (I still do...). You guys can see this in my "abrasiveness" when interacting with me. I'm better than I was, but I'm still a dumbass and it shows. Just recently, I shat on a friend who didn't deserve it, over a stupid Chandelure argument - because I got heated, I responded in a way that is simply unacceptable in Canadian/American culture, and now this person (and perhaps many others) respects me less over this interaction. Unfortunately, this has been a big problem in my life, and it's a big reason why I've had so many issues on Smogon and beyond.
Elementary/Middle and High School were warzones for me. Every day was another thing that I messed up (socially). Every moment I felt I was being judged and watched. In hindsight, I was an incredibly easy target based on how I'd react. Even to this day, someone can get me riled up by poking at one of my sets. I managed to escape some of the more traumatizing patterns after High School, but very quickly found that even though I was "liked", I was still very much a target by my "friends". In comes Smogon.
Smogon has always been bittersweet for me. I was late when I found this site and PS!, at 21 years old. At this point in my life, I was partying hard with a large, extended group of friends made up of pockets of other friends. I had a lot of people around me, but not necessarily the kind of people I wanted to spend time with. I did many cool and interesting things, from theatre productions to fun trips, and all-in-all it was fun, and it had fulfilling aspects, but it didn't satisfy the void in my heart where I could truly feel like I belonged.
I confused power with success. I confused status with respect. I confused clout with appreciation. I called myself King UU and aimed for #1 in a desire to be noticed. I put myself on a senior council as a junior member once I got modded in an attempt to gain respect. I pushed people that I disagreed with away in an attempt to be righteous. I've made a billion mistakes, and sometimes even repeated the same mistakes. In doing so, I hurt a lot of people and degraded trust, and to this day people I've known for years and years don't care to get close with me. This is something I did to myself, and I hold myself accountable in making things turn out this way.
Over the years I've calmed down, but the damage had been done, and I'm still making mistakes. I would not and could not be trusted with a position of real authority whether as a potential TL in UU or as a senior member of Smogon staff. My overzealous nature has been my undoing, and I have been my own worst enemy on this site. The one piece of solace I've found is that those that gave me a hard time throughout the years have apologized, but have I apologized to them?
So here it is. Shiba, Pak, YABO, vivalospride, Accelgor, TonyFlygon, teal6, reyscarface, Sacri', Christo, Hogg, pokemonisfun, Hikari, Sam, dingbat, Pearl, esche, Meru, Omfuga and the rest of my comrades and people I've hurt along the way... I'm so, genuinely sorry that at one point or another, the flaws in my personality were projected onto you and ended up hurting you and your friends, or even made so that it had to become a me versus you situation. Some of you have forgiven me and we're on decent terms, but I still feel responsible and I need to own up to my part in making our relationships strained.
I can think of so many adversarial interactions that ended up leaving a horrible taste in your mouths and, to this day, make it so that there's no desire for us to ever personally interact again. I hope you know, this was not my intention, and even if we can't ever really be friends, I hope you all know that I wish the absolute best for all of you and that I consider you all people worth backing up and defending.
I feel like I'm just posting feeling-sorry-for-myself-bullshit so I'll give it a rest because the point of this post is to take accountability. All-in-all, Smogonites, learn from my mistakes. The fact that I illicit a love/hate dynamic in almost everyone I speak to is on me and how I (sometimes incorrectly) approach communication. It's ok to be into this site, it's okay to want to belong and contribute... just always make sure you treat everyone with respect and dignity, because the times that I did not haunt me to this day.
struggling to deal with the overwhelming urge to just completely isolate myself right now, almost everything in my life went to complete shit outta nowhere with no signs of improvement anywhere on sight
ive dealt with these feelings before but being basically completely locked inside for more than a year now has just disintegrated any mental well being i may have had before
im not new to this and i know it passes but this time around has felt specifically hopeless
distractions are hitting a point where they don't actually distract me anymore either and im starting to just not be attracted to any of my hobbies anymore, which is always a worrying sign
dont know what to do
i know normality seems a long way away right now but no matter what happens you arent alone. its not always comforting to know, but a lot of people (myself included) have went through something similar during lockdown so feel free to reach out if you ever need. one piece of advice i'll try to give is that you don't have to feel entirely helpless & trapped - i would recommend taking care of yourself and establishing some sort of daily routine to take charge of & bring back a sense of control in your life. even if your daily routine sucks it's at least something you can take responsibility over, which could be the first step towards feeling better - i found it helpful personally. my advice might not be the right advice for you, but i always thought you were a decent bloke and i hope you get through this any way you can.
struggling to deal with the overwhelming urge to just completely isolate myself right now, almost everything in my life went to complete shit outta nowhere with no signs of improvement anywhere on sight
ive dealt with these feelings before but being basically completely locked inside for more than a year now has just disintegrated any mental well being i may have had before
im not new to this and i know it passes but this time around has felt specifically hopeless
distractions are hitting a point where they don't actually distract me anymore either and im starting to just not be attracted to any of my hobbies anymore, which is always a worrying sign
dont know what to do
i can completely relate to this. i have always been a rather happy person i think, but quarantine + struggling in online school + conflict parents has left me irritable, way angrier than usual, and no motivation to do anything, even things that i've grinded for years to get to the point i'm at (mainly school but also stuff like general fitness and healthy lifestyle habits). but unlike you i am new to these overwhelmingly negative thoughts that i did not realize was probably depression until after like 8 months. nothing seemed to be working, and when i failed 2 of my 4 classes and was placed on academic probation (because i basically just skipped all lecture and blew off studying whatsoever), my parents went a bit crazy and threatened to send me to drug counseling (for weed, i used regularly for a while but never felt it was an issue although perhaps it had an effect on my motivation). now not to say counseling is a bad thing, its fantastic for people who have the ability to utilize it, but i am a prideful person and like to deal with problems on my own. i felt if i couldn't deal with this and get my shit together, the world will just fuck me over later in life. this led to my being completely lost, i hated online school and hated living at home as a college freshman while all my high school friends were off to college having fun. i didnt feel part of the school i was at, i was lonely and sad (probably led to my being angrier than usual), and my life felt like and still feels a bit like im just going through the motions, with no intention or emotion behind much of anything that i'm doing.
i didnt know what else to do except do kind of a hard reset on my life. im taking a break from school, taking only one class that i sort of like compared to the others, quitting using weed completely for a while (and probably alcohol while im at it although i don't really like it that much), i got a physical labor job, and im talking to my friends pretty much every day trying to get advice both irl and on here (s/o Indigo PlateauAndyboyCatalystic and everyone else (my uupl team, sandacondas) for offering to lend an ear i really appreciate it. ty and ily) and just trying to get a handle on these feelings and move my life to a place where i would have opportunities to find something fulfilling. and maybe i will end up doing counseling because i heard it can be helpful regardless of your mental state/ even if you are mentally "strong" person. im just starting out this whole process and it has already helped me open up to people about some of my issues when previously i had kept everything bottled up and hidden.
lighthouses i wish you the best, you are a smart man, and im just a pm away if you ever need anything (this goes for anyone on this thread, i would very much like to be there for you guys as my wonderful friends on here have been for me). i hope this might provide some insight on how im trying to go about fixing this to help out just a little. much love
Im at a really weird place right now. I almost killed myself last week. I didnt go through with it, obviously, but I sat on the edge of my roof staring at the concrete and smoking cigarettes for an hour. I just kept hoping the wind would push me over the edge so I wouldnt have to make the choice, one way or another. But it didnt. And I went back inside. Im not sure why.
Im not sure whats keeping me going. I dont think anyone is. Im on autopilot all the time now.
I auditioned for this band this morning. It was something I thought I was really excited for. They were really impressed and hired me on the spot. But I got home and realized I didnt really care. It didnt make me unhappy, but it wasnt the life changing experience I thought it was going to be. Ive wanted this for so long, to be in a band. And I have a concert with them on May 8. And I guess, on a surface level, thats cool and I want to do it, but honestly i just. Feel really empty. And it scares me. Im a musician. I love making music. I love writing songs. I love playing live, love the sweat and the lights and the fucking sound, the sound I hear of the drummer and me in sync, almost reading each others thoughts, and Ive loved that all my life, and its like suddenly. Its not enough anymore. Nothings enough. Ive completely lost all interest in living, in the things that made me feel alive.
I had a guy over last night. And we were getting into it and idk suddenly everything hit me really hard so i stopped. We still did other stuff but he made his excuses when I asked if he wanted to stay the night and idk hes just been weird over text and it just makes me so exhausted. I feel like the men I date dont really care about me. They just want sex, and I try to tell people and theyre just like "well thats what men are like" and it just makes me want to bawl my eyes out for ages because sex is a big deal for me and I cant do it sometimes and I just wish that I was enough for someone without all that. I wish someone genuinely cared for me and the things Im interested in. And idk like sometimes it feels like Im the problem, you know? Like there are all these men who have just used me for sex and moved on and it cant be that theyre all shitty people, can it? Like Im the central thread in everything bad thats happened to me, so it has to, at some level, be my fault. And I have no one to talk to about all this and its so overwhelming and idk. On paper, this last week seems really good for me. But I know that if I went out on the roof right now, it wouldnt take me an hour to make my decision this time. And it would be the one Im afraid of.
Sorry for the rant. Im just not in a good place at all. Love you all. Thanks for reading.
Been a long-time lurker here. Got some stuff I'd like to get off my chest, if that's okay.
I'll try to keep this relatively brief since I don't want to over-indulge in negative thoughts, but here goes. I feel like I'm experiencing a bit of a "quarter-life crisis" at the moment: I'm turning 28 later this year, and I have no fucking clue what I'm doing in life.
I've been unemployed since October 2019, after my fixed term employment contract came to an end, and I've been trying to change careers since I came to the unfortunate realisation that my job prospects in the field I did my degree in (geology) are very limited (because there's slim-pickings for geology jobs in the UK, especially in the area I live, and I don't want to relocate away from my network of family and friends). For the last year I've been studying for an accounting qualification at a local college (remotely during the lockdowns) because I figured I needed to be doing something to upskill, and while I don't particularly have any real passion for or interest in accounting like I at least did for geology, at least I'd be far more likely to actually get a job where I live by pursuing it. Or so I thought, anyway; but I've been working hard to try and get my foot in the door and land myself an entry level job, but so far to no avail. I did at least manage to get a few interviews, but I keep losing out to other candidates with more experience. I've also tried applying to a range of other jobs looking to fill my growing employment gap, also without luck.
The frustrating thing is I'm not even sure if I really want to be doing accounting the first place. I'm only studying it now because it felt like a "safe" option, and I've really been struggling to motivate myself to study as of late, despite finding the material fairly straightforward. As cliché as it sounds, there's a part of me that feels like I should be "following my dreams" and pursue self-employment doing something I love so that work doesn't feel like work. Having worked mind-numbing office jobs in the past, I'm kind of dreading the thought of being bound to the 9-5 work routine for the majority of my life. I also feel pretty envious of many of my peers from university who have managed to build pretty lucrative careers since graduating, while I feel like I'm still spinning my wheels at the start line, so to speak. I'm at that point in my life where I feel like I need to start sowing the seeds for my future successes, else I'm likely going to be more or less in the in the same position when I'm like 40.
It really doesn't help that I've felt my mental health really deteriorate over the course of the pandemic, having spent so much time alone with my thoughts and not having much of a structure to my days. I feel incredibly guilty that outside of studying, I've done very little to better myself in terms of personal development (although I did at least manage to shed around 40 lbs in weight, so there's that I guess). I've had so much free time though, so I know I could've been doing so much more - yet I spent most of it just trying to get through each day without having to do anything too mentally draining. I've been neglecting my hobbies pretty badly since I'm just so damn exhausted all of the time, despite eating well and exercising regularly. I just rarely feel a strong enough sense of motivation to overcome my inertia towards doing productive things. I often find myself wanting to do things, but I keep psyching myself out by overthinking everything and feeling overwhelmed by even relatively basic tasks. I just really want to be able enjoy things in the moment again, as I did when I was younger, but now I can't help but think about how everything fits into my long-term development. I end up evaluating if the thing I'm about to do is the "right thing" for me to be doing at that given time, and if I consider it as a viable career prospect for me. Unfortunately my self-esteem is pretty much shot to pieces, and as a result I tend to give up incredibly easily at the first signs of failure.
I just really want to have a defining skill that I can take a strong sense of personal pride in, and currently I feel like I don't really have anything to offer to others that I can be proud of, objectively speaking. It's not a healthy mindset by any means, but I haven't been able to shake it.
I started taking an anti depressant, specifically fluoxetine, a month ago. They help, but external circumstances around me getting worse have rendered the pills and the attached therapy more of a salve than a cure. Think Joe Biden as opposed to Bernie Sanders. A yellow light for my mental illness, not a red one. A hoodie instead of a coat on a cold winter night.
As such, I’ve recently found myself in the depths of another depressive episode, more severe than my usual ones. My appetite has cut itself in half, lethargy prevents me from getting out of bed, things that normally fly me to the moon merely engender a light buzz.
Over the course of the restless days and long nights, I’ve often forced myself to interact with others, even if I didn’t really want to, as a core belief of mine is that connection to fellow humans is a cornerstone of mental stability. Even if it’s not likely to work, it’s still worth a shot.
Right?
Here’s the thing, every conversation necessitates small talk. The Heys and Hellos and “What’s on your mind?”s and “How are you doing?”s. With the latter question of late, ever since this slump started the response has almost been exclusively along the lines of “I’m tired”
i feel like such a fucking liar.
It’s not because I’m feeling energetic, getting out of bed is a Herculean task most of the time, but because I’m tired and so much more.
Yet, I never know how I’m supposed to explain any of that extra stuff.
How am I gonna even talk about the nagging thoughts of overturned chairs, ropes, and asphyxiation in a way that truly explains the weight of these neurochemical imbalances?
What about the sudden and sharp desire for exsanguination via self-inflicted perforation?
Windows and concrete and Newton’s blessing?
Would they even look at me the same?
Will I ruin their mood?
Since I’ve already said this to them, would they even take it seriously the second time? The fourth? I also don’t wanna worry people since I’m more than likely too much of a coward to follow through on my ideation.
Who is actually going to understand?
Given the above uncertainty, what will I even get by saying more than a remark on my fatigue?
I shouldn’t have to think about this, but I suppose you gotta breathe the air you’ve got, regardless of quality.
Depression strips you of your sense of agency in a chaotic and ambiguous world. It also limits your capacity for self-contentment, which I would argue is the underlying goal of everyone currently alive. Most insidiously of all though, it completely alienates you because of how personal the pain is. It turns the most powerful tool of communication ever made in language, into something completely useless in the face of a condition that you either understand because you have it or you don’t.
I dream of a day where I can sit down and find the words to explain what it’s like to be beaten down constantly by factors beyond your control, to feel like you’re dying but you’re never actually dying, to know that certain paths out of these crossed stars are irrational but you can’t ever quite put it out of your mind; The moment where I can say a little more than “I’m tired” and be okay with that.
In this treacherously arduous battle with my own worst thoughts, temptations, theories about the future both largely unbound in their terribleness and unfounded as well, I have thrown every stone and shot every shot and played every card I have with nothing to show other than breath wasted and a heart that still beats.
Happiness feels more like a horizon that I am chasing than a state of being to be grabbed.
I feel often that all of my efforts will be tantamount to nothing, that my inadequacy is now and forevermore.
Let’s hope that I’m wrong.
I’m a bad writer and a worse storyteller, so apologies for any slip ups in phrasing or otherwise overly melodramatic / pretentious language.
I’m faded#3517 on discord if anyone wants to talk to me about anything for some odd reason.
(Ok apologies I’ve had alcohol) I just want say that I love this thread. I know it’s called depression, but it has given me the ability to read about the issues community members and friends are facing and be able to reach out to them with some kind words and support. You all deserve love. You all deserve happiness. I wish the best for all of you. It’s really great that there is a place where you can post about your issues without limitations and receive support for it. More specifically:
vivalospride you’re one of the most down to earth and solid people I’ve met and you’ve done this community such an amazing service with your contributions and natural comedic nature.
PinkDragonTamer I would fight Mike Tyson in his prime for you bro. You’re so kind, good hearted, funny, and amazing. You bring much more joy to this community than you could ever comprehend and we are all lucky to have you in our lives.
Kink I know you know everything I’m going to say but you’re literally one of the most trustworthy and mature people I have ever met. You have benefitted this community 99999999x more than you’ve harmed it. You are inspirational and have literally helped me so much through my time here. You will forever be my friend.
faded love you’re a brilliant writer, far better than I could ever be. I really appreciate the relationship we’ve had and you truly are a spectacular human being.
Yami I’m glad I’ve gotten to know you more and I really appreciate you. You are very kind and wonderful and I wish all the best for you. I will be here to support you no matter what you need <3
There are a lot of people in this thread I know but I don’t want to tag too many people. This thread has made me feel like I belong and that I am not alone in my own struggles and pain. Reaching out for help is really one of the bravest steps you can take. Venting and opening up about your issues is really important. This thread really showcases the heart of this community. Behind the competitiveness, and the Pokémon, is a group of people who are kind, thoughtful, intelligent, and truly amazing. We all should support each other even if we may not be friends because that is really what the world needs now. Thank you all so much and infinite love and support to you and everyone you know!
i dont really know how to start this post, but i've been feeling extremely down for like the past 2 months and i don't really like venting to people anymore because i just feel like im annoying them. yesterday was especially bad and this is kinda what led me to writing this post. also before i get too deep into this post, im probably gonna end up mentioning suicide, abuse, n self-harm so yeah ig
i've felt excessively numb, or just awful, since fall 2019. since 7th grade, my relationship with my family, especially my dad, hasn't been too great after i reported my dad for being abusive. i guess i'm somewhat close to one of my older sisters but we never really talk about our problems and stuff, we just joke around. other than her, i just try my best to avoid the entirety of my family. i despise my dad, and im almost certain my other older sister hates me, as she always jumps on any occasion to make me feel worthless and told me to kill myself. i still love my mom a ton despite the fact that she probably sees me as an immense burden that does absolutely nothing but stay in their room all day. i got outed by my sister (the one that i think hates me) to my mom, and since then my mom has always tried to make me change and push religion onto me, telling me things like "you're gonna burn in hell" or "it's not too late to change" or "you have a demon inside of you" (personal favourite!). obviously, quarantine didnt help with that whatsoever and just made it worse
but yeah, my family issues have been made worse by school - and vice versa. i was extremely talented until i wasn't, my grades started dropping, which raised tensions at home. i'm currently failing the most important year in high school, and there's been a growing anxiety inside of me telling me to try and at least pass this school year, but i just can't put any effort into anything and i just can't bring myself to actually care beyond "im gonna fail this school year at this rate"
im the only person to blame for all of this, really. as soon as school started pressuring me too much, i gave up which made all of my problems worst. now i just spend all my days playing pokemon, minecraft, talking with friends, or just watching whatever on netflix to not have to face my irl problems. i'm useless and i fucking hate myself. i can't see myself past this school year, and i've contemplated suicides many times and tried earlier this year. i just woke up with a terrible headache and felt extremely dizzy. i just want to disappear as if i never existed - i want to die but i also don't want the people around me to be sad. my friends are the only reason i haven't tried again, and i'll always be grateful for them
there's some more stuff i could get into, but this post is already long enough and this is more than i've ever told anyone, bar like 2 ppl i think. thank u for reading
if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out to me. also sorry if this post is messy i just wanted to vent somewhere that wasn't my notes app
i have been feeling kinda really down and anxious lately. I normally always tryt to hide my feelings but thats hard. I really dont like talking about them with someone else but I might just vent a little here.
It was just a really rough and lonely year. Stuff with my dad being burnt out and drinking way too much (which made me have some bad experiences with and im so proud of him for stopping with drinking), losing contact with everyone, school just going awful and covid are the things from last year.
Combined with stuff like my low self-esteem (formed a pretty long time ago but still affects me even tho it shouldnt) an social anxiety are really bringing me down. I just feel like a total failure that doesnt deserve anything. my motivation to do anything went out the window and without be doing stuff i feel even more worthless. just a constant feeling of numbness/sadness and just feeling not good enough for the people around you. that second part makes it so im super anxious with friends because im afraid of losing them.
at least i opened up to someone (still hate opening up to people cuz im scared they will judge me) which got me seeking help which is a good thing.
and i am blaming myself for every bad thing happening to me. and i overthink everything to the point where i can confirm people hate me and its my fault. i hate my mind
currently trying to speak with someone professional so im curious if that will make me understand how my emotions work more. and how to deal with them.
anyways thanks for this tread being here.
small vent about my feelings and how last year just got me super down. i wish everyone a great year.
I’ve seen a lot of posts itc and on public Discord servers discussing antidepressant use, and I just want to expand on my own experiences w/ them: they are not for everyone. The U.S. employs a biomedical approach with regards to depression (and mental illness at large), which bifurcates the disorder from larger systemic causes. My own experiences with depression have been rooted largely in homophobia [social isolation at a younger age, male violence]. My depression isn't apropos of nothing: it's legitimate sadness because of the way society is constructed.
I'm sure many of you have similar experiences. Are you feeling defeated because you feel ugly (desirability politics), don't have money/things you need and want to be comfortable (capitalism/poverty), you're a woman (sexism), you're unsure of your relationship to your gender or sexuality (queerphobia), etc.? These are very real anxieties that do impact your brain and cause depression, making it feel impossible to do things and sending you into a spiral of doom.
Our only solutions to depression are seen in the medical model, and atop of it are pills. I've been on four different anti-depressants through my life, and I'm currently on Cymbalta, so I just want to preface that I am not anti-drug in any capacity. I believe that there are seriously positive things to be derived from drugs if you're on the right one, but that's the tricky part about psych medications. What ruins one person's life may save another, and it's hugely contextual based on your brain chemistry. Most psychiatrists will just spitball a solution based on your symptoms and toss you between medications until you feel better. But for many depressed people, we are not in tune with our emotions outside of the extremes, so it's incredibly difficult to self-report, ultimately skewing the efficacy of the medication. In addition, there are a litany of studies suggesting that the applicability of anti-depressants for mild depression is overstated, and that the side effects are hugely understated. Withdrawal from antidepressants, for instance, is an incredibly jarring sensation that I can only describe as miserable, and this is hardly talked about either.
This is all to say that: health is communal, not individual. Our understanding of depression is stunted when we situate it individually, viewing people as 'ill' instead of a result of a flawed system. What is mental illness to an incarcerated person? A poor person? A Black person? A homeless person? And, of course, how do we invest in communal health when we live in a world meant to atomize us? My answer is: I don't know. But I do know that I have dealt with depression for well over 10 years, so I can speak to what has helped me the most.
1) Finding out whether medication works for you or not. If you've tried 4 antidepressants with minimal effect, it's probably not worth seeking out any more. If you paradoxically feel worse from medication after giving an honest effort, it might not be for you, and there might not be a medication for you. I hate when people say this shit in a vapid sense, but genuinely: listen to your body.
2) Changing your routine is vital. You won't get better doing the same thing. Depression tells you that you can't do things because it feels simply impossible, but the answer to depression is to do things. If you continue falling into a lull of nothingness, how can you expect to do anything? It sucks because people have different access to support, friendship, etc. which make this step easier, but you have to just make steps every day to a better life.
3) Do things for yourself even if they seem minimal! Having a multi-step skincare routine was a minor shift I made in my life that made me feel much more comfortable in my body. Maybe make a nice dinner for yourself once a week, get some tattoos or piercing, or go to a movie. These are all things that I do which add a sense of structure to my life, and I enjoy them as well.
4) Access to comfort when you're in a rut or spiral. I highly recommend easy access snacks because I have dealt with depressed people all through my life and I know that we fucking suck at eating. Lots of delis sell pre-sliced cheese to go with crackers, and that's a personal favorite. If you can afford it, try investing in some other comforts too: a nice pair of headphones, a cozy space (bean bag, comfy pillows, diffusers + oils for aromatherapy, nice speakers, cool art), heated blankets, etc. A luxury item that I have gotten my money's worth from are Lululemon sweats.
5) Find what works in terms of bodily intake! For me, smoking weed assuages a lot of my social and bodily anxieties and allows me to be more functional. For others, it might be working out, avoiding certain foods, or having a specific diet. I don't eat much red meat because I have noticed that my depression is, in part, triggered by a lot of red meat intake, and I only eat it when I order out.
I am mentioning this last, particularly because of the funkiness of the world right now, but I alluded to it earlier: community is key. You can find your people, I promise. This might be a therapist that you finally click with that eases a lot of your social pressures and helps guide you to better social habits. This might be an internet community that you can finally be comfortable in. This might be that person at work or in class you were anxious about introducing yourself to but you finally do it. The biggest life lesson I have learned in the last ~5 years is that asking for things is the only way to get anywhere in life. If you self-advocate, you will be so much happier with your life.
If therapy and drugs don't work for you, there are so many other avenues to explore. Don't let these be the sole determinants of your functionality. Don't let the medical system make you feel like it's your only hope. If you've been disappointed, don't worry: me and so many others have too.
