Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Catalisador]

At first I thought it was all bullshit. People getting better and stuff. I'd laugh ironically and say "this is crap, I just want this all to end". But now I think I'm feeling better. Therapy has helped me a lot. Crossfit and gym too. And gaming (thank you Celeste, Hollow Knight, Undertale, Pokémon, Digimon, Smash, etc.). And music. And my family and friends. After struggling for a long while, I think I'm feeling a tad better. I think I remember how it feels to be happy again. I love you all so much, my friends (specially the ones from the NU room*. I'd tag you all here but idk, I'm kinda embarassed lol. not in a bad way, in a funny way. the way that makes you wanna smile), thank you for helping me through tough times. I'm still battling against depression, but I finally feel like I'm winning.

*ps: i think you're gonna see this katy, so thank you so much for being my friend. you've saved me many times. i love you very much. :)

i wanna cry but this time it's happy crying xD

 

[Aqua Jet]

TW - Suicide, Self-harm

When I was little I never really thought depression would be something that would affect me since I was quite the happy child without a care in the world. However, that most changed when my mother and grandmother (both of whom I was close with) died in January 2016 and March 2017, respectively. Despite being young, I was diagnosed with depression shortly after. I've been living with it for a while now but began having a series of mental breakdowns during the end of the 2019-2020 school year, as well as all throughout the 2020-2021 and the beginning of the 2021-2022 school year. I think this is because I naturally put a lot of pressure on myself to do well and succeed easily. My medication wears off around 5:00pm, at which point I am unable to focus very much. This makes studying a challenge. However, as I'm sure many of you know, in order to get and maintain a 90 average you usually have to study for much longer than up until 5:00pm. In the past, this has never been an issue since my teachers never stacked homework and I understood concepts very quickly. Since the beginning of 2021 its gotten a lot worse though. I've attempted suicide at least 6 times, and have recently taken to cutting myself, as well as having mental breakdowns every other day. Anyway that's my story up until now, I'll probably give an update if something changes.

 

[Chadlad50]

Does anybody here have OCD? my mental state has been in shambles since June because of intrusive thoughts, and after doing research in 90% sure I might have OCD considering how much it lines up with not only my current issues, but stuff that happened in the past, even as recent as a few weeks before these major intrusive thoughts began

 

[Wildfiree]

Don’t you ever feel you just so overwhelmed that’s how I feeling now. After this year starting off things changed. After finally move forward after my dads death last year I had some peace in the beginning of this year. Then a few months ago I tore my Achilles’ tendon after playing basketball a favorite hobby of mine (besides mons and working out) made me feel I had the worst luck ever…I was out of work for two months due to this injury cost me so much money and hurt me financially. Although better I’m still not yet 100. But now my mom is having an episode again (she has schizoaffective disorder) and she doesn’t wanna take her meds. This is really the icing on the cake im just so tired it’s like a never ending cycle. I plead with my mom to take her meds and she becomes hostile. It’s affecting me mentally to the point where I feel the only way to get away is to cut her off or take my life. I already feel worthless. My girlfriend is the only thing making me happy. Yesterday we celebate her birthday but I couldn’t be 100 percent happy because I worry about my mom. Ik just so depressed I don’t find much excitement in life anymore.I try to be happy and make others smile but deep down I’m not ok either. It’s hard to remain strong sometimes. It’s been such a long time since I actually had a peace of mind. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. From when I was young…from my father not being around due to excessive alcohol addiction , to homelessness, to my mothers mental illness it’s like I can’t never catch a fucking break.

 

[Katy]

Does anybody here have OCD?

Hello,

i have a OCD; It's called compulsive cleaning disorder, which means, that I am always doing wayyyy more than I actually should do when I clean up my apartment. It's coupled with a fear / phobia to bacterias and other infectious things, which makes that even worse.

It makes me clean up my apartment a lot + I desinfect it always multiple times, before I clean it up and also after I'm done with cleaning I desinfect it again, multiple times. Coupled with the bacteria phobia, I cannot go out like a usual person can. I cannot touch objects without me having basically multiple layers of desinfecting towls as a protection to bacterias.

I also clean up and wash my hands a lot of times, probably more than others do. Like very excessive and very long.

I seek psychotherapy because of this and it calmed a bit down recently, and I hope it will stay that way. The best thing you can do is try to get a specialist / good therapist in this case to get a proper diagnosis and proper treatment, as OCD can be very hard to control otherwise.

And ye OCD can lead to a lot of things, it goes wayyyy beyond that, it can make the general life very difficult that it can lead to depressions, anxiety, and other symptoms.

 

[Chadlad50]

Hello,

i have a OCD; It's called compulsive cleaning disorder, which means, that I am always doing wayyyy more than I actually should do when I clean up my apartment. It's coupled with a fear / phobia to bacterias and other infectious things, which makes that even worse.

It makes me clean up my apartment a lot + I desinfect it always multiple times, before I clean it up and also after I'm done with cleaning I desinfect it again, multiple times. Coupled with the bacteria phobia, I cannot go out like a usual person can. I cannot touch objects without me having basically multiple layers of desinfecting towls as a protection to bacterias.

I also clean up and wash my hands a lot of times, probably more than others do. Like very excessive and very long.

I seek psychotherapy because of this and it calmed a bit down recently, and I hope it will stay that way. The best thing you can do is try to get a specialist / good therapist in this case to get a proper diagnosis and proper treatment, as OCD can be very hard to control otherwise.

And ye OCD can lead to a lot of things, it goes wayyyy beyond that, it can make the general life very difficult that it can lead to depressions, anxiety, and other symptoms.

Well I definitely have depression and anxiety

I don't know if I have a specific obsession. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about things as small as me not being able to visualize things perfectly, sometimes it's about major things like my sexuality and my most recent thoughts. I suppose my compulsion would be me trying to "fix" the obsession. Get rid of the intrusive thoughts, which eventually becomes an obsession in of itself. Other compulsions are just doing anything to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts, which can become detrimental because it's the only thing I want to do, which impacts my socialization, school, and other stuff. If I'm gonna be honest that might be the main reason I got so big into Pokemon. It served as a major distraction to me just because there's a lot of stuff to do relating to it. Play the games, collect cards, watch the Anime, come up with new Pokemon ideas, play competitively, etc. It's hard for me to run out of stuff to do compared to other distractions

My mom has OCD, but I still don't think she'd let me get tested. I asked if I could get tested for ADHD (something else I think I may have) and it took me telling her that my friend and barber for her to consider bringing it up with my doctor on our next visit (I'm a cancer survivor so I have to get checked up every now and then). I'm just gonna wait until I'm 18 and go see a psychologist myself, if I have the money that is (thanks America)

 

[Katy]

Well I definitely have depression and anxiety

I don't know if I have a specific obsession. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about things as small as me not being able to visualize things perfectly, sometimes it's about major things like my sexuality and my most recent thoughts. I suppose my compulsion would be me trying to "fix" the obsession. Get rid of the intrusive thoughts, which eventually becomes an obsession in of itself. Other compulsions are just doing anything to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts, which can become detrimental because it's the only thing I want to do, which impacts my socialization, school, and other stuff. If I'm gonna be honest that might be the main reason I got so big into Pokemon. It served as a major distraction to me just because there's a lot of stuff to do relating to it. Play the games, collect cards, watch the Anime, come up with new Pokemon ideas, play competitively, etc. It's hard for me to run out of stuff to do compared to other distractions

My mom has OCD, but I still don't think she'd let me get tested. I asked if I could get tested for ADHD (something else I think I may have) and it took me telling her that my friend and barber for her to consider bringing it up with my doctor on our next visit (I'm a cancer survivor so I have to get checked up every now and then). I'm just gonna wait until I'm 18 and go see a psychologist myself, if I have the money that is (thanks America)

I hope you get the chance soon to let yourself get treated or diagnosed. It's very important to know what else you have besides the OCD, because that is very vital for coming up with a plan to treat that in a therapy, I really really hope your mom lets you get tested about all these things, especially as a cancer survivor she should in my opinion get everything going to make your life even better, as you have been going through enough in your life already.

And I can understand you having the heavy thoughts of distracting yourself with anything you can, I would be like that too, if Im being honest, since dstractions in such cases are always the best way to basically cope with the situation. I for myself distract me alot with youtube videos, documentaries, and things like that. I hope that you feel better soon, despite the healthcare system in america sucks, but I do really hope you will find someone who can help you, and your mom will help you in this case. She should not be that stubborn, she should be helpful and supportive and I can understand If you are sad about this situation.

But stay strong, there is always a light on the horizon and if you want, my PMs are always open for a vent and such!

 

[Ardy]

Hey everyone

Its currently 2am and theres a lot going on

Hide

So its been a while since I last posted in this thread (which is a good thing ahahaha) and the main reason for that has been my boyfriend. Hes been the rock getting me through my depression these past few months and I love him so much. Me and him have been planning to move in together in December when both our leases expire.
But today he got an email from a study abroad program he got waitlisted for a while ago. We both just assumed he wasnt getting in, but someone dropped out and he was taken off the waitlist and offered a spot. Its 4 months. He leaves in January. And I am not ready for this.
Im happy for him. I really am, Im so proud of him, hes going to europe and hes going to be so good but at the same time theres just a profound sadness in me at the fact that not only are we not moving in together, but that I wont see him for 4 months. He wont be here to calm me down when Im having an episode. He wont be here to wake up next to me and tell me he loves me. And ofc no sex for four months.
I feel horrible for feeling like this because I feel like Im being sad for his success, that I only wanted to hold him down or something. I feel terrible and obviously I would never tell him I feel this way but I cant help it. The thought of him not being here for four months is crushing to me. And then its long distance. Yeah, its just 4 months, but long distance is fucking hard. Plus we wont be in the same timezone, idk how much we'll talk and theres just. So much. And I want it to go away. I just want to take the week off and cry about it but I have a midterm tomorrow and we're having drinks on friday and I just. Dont know how to cope with my support system just vanishing in January.
Love you all. Hope everyones doing well.

 

[Ardy]

Hey,

I am pretty sure the time will fly by, 4 months sound very long and difficult, especially when there is a huge timezone difference, but in the meantime you can try and distract yourself with like watching an (anime) series, playing some games on your pc, or just doing some sports or excercises. There are alot of hobbies or things you can do to make a bridge between these 4 months your boyfriend is not around.

I am pretty sure, when you're able to find something, which gives you joy, the tiem will be much shorter than initially expected. And there are alot of things you can do, you can also watch alot of funny youtube videos. There are more than enough I'm pretty certain.

I hope everything goes well for you and you will find something which can help you through these 4 months. Just try and think of it like it is not that long, try to turn the tables around, from the negative to positive, say to yourself 'Oh it is JUST 4 months, we will see each other very soon again' and I'm very sure, that this will help you as well.

Just try to see the positive, like what can you do when you're back together, what things you can spend your time on together, also the winter time is over by then and spring is waiting for you two, with new flowers and tress growing, which can make for such great times outside to spend. Try and see into that future, I know it is easier said than done, but try to turn it into the positive with many things to do when he is back again from his studying! ^.^

Hope that helps you a bit and you will find something really cool to do in the meantime.

PS: you can also have discord calls together and have some minutes for yourself I'm pretty sure. Maybe this also helps you a bit? Just try to find some room for yourselves. pretty sure it will work out. I wish you only the best

Thank you so much you have no idea how much reading this helped

 

[Roy]

Wanted to throw this out there to the group:

Randomly met some people outside and chatted for awhile around a fire (group of 6 college kids), was a little drunk and abusing stimulants, and essentially they asked me to leave after talking for awhile. I was being very over the top (shocker I know). After a while it was clear they wanted me gone.

Pretty embarrassing to stand up in front of a group of people with people laughing, telling me to fuck off. I have been very lucky to not have been bullied much growing up, but I definitely get it now.

1st thing I did was try to rationalize that the drugs were mostly the reason they didn’t like me. And then said nah they’re just immature and dumb. Clearly had nothing to do with me.

You know what? It doesn’t fucking matter.

Neither party was “wrong.”

Neither party was “right.”

As obvious as it is, it absolutely needs to be reiterated - other’s opinions don’t define you. Ironically, a well-liked user told me that 2 hours earlier. But it’s so hard for it to stick, and as much as I can give that advice, I struggle so much to take.

Coupled with some mental illness/drug stuff going on right now, it just sucks. To literally have a decade+ of thousands of hours of counseling and thinking about it, but still being unable to use it even in the dumbest of situations as tonight. Like Jesus, some people you met tonight didn’t like you. Why does that matter?

It’s tough. And as easy as it is for me to be vulnerable with all my previous struggles and what I’ve learned and how I’ve improved it, to sometimes fall back to square one, quite honestly, is embarrassing.

And as much as I “know the answer” and can write a soliloquy on a Pokémon battling website about it, the OCD thoughts and everything else takes over.

I’m not even sure what the goal of this post was, I just feel all over the place. I’m sure I wanted some validation. I’m sure I’m looking for empathy.

Honestly. I’m tired of having these fucking thoughts.
Just can’t turn to addictive demons right now. Will have to answer some tough questions on if I can be prescribed stimulants without abusing them (I am legit ADHD)

Not sure how to end this, other than I appreciate you taking the time to read it

 

[Chadlad50]

Wanted to throw this out there to the group:

Randomly met some people outside and chatted for awhile around a fire (group of 6 college kids), was a little drunk and abusing stimulants, and essentially they asked me to leave after talking for awhile. I was being very over the top (shocker I know). After a while it was clear they wanted me gone.

Pretty embarrassing to stand up in front of a group of people with people laughing, telling me to fuck off. I have been very lucky to not have been bullied much growing up, but I definitely get it now.

1st thing I did was try to rationalize that the drugs were mostly the reason they didn’t like me. And then said nah they’re just immature and dumb. Clearly had nothing to do with me.

You know what? It doesn’t fucking matter.

Neither party was “wrong.”

Neither party was “right.”

As obvious as it is, it absolutely needs to be reiterated - other’s opinions don’t define you. Ironically, a well-liked user told me that 2 hours earlier. But it’s so hard for it to stick, and as much as I can give that advice, I struggle so much to take.

Coupled with some mental illness/drug stuff going on right now, it just sucks. To literally have a decade+ of thousands of hours of counseling and thinking about it, but still being unable to use it even in the dumbest of situations as tonight. Like Jesus, some people you met tonight didn’t like you. Why does that matter?

It’s tough. And as easy as it is for me to be vulnerable with all my previous struggles and what I’ve learned and how I’ve improved it, to sometimes fall back to square one, quite honestly, is embarrassing.

And as much as I “know the answer” and can write a soliloquy on a Pokémon battling website about it, the OCD thoughts and everything else takes over.

I’m not even sure what the goal of this post was, I just feel all over the place. I’m sure I wanted some validation. I’m sure I’m looking for empathy.

Honestly. I’m tired of having these fucking thoughts.
Just can’t turn to addictive demons right now. Will have to answer some tough questions on if I can be prescribed stimulants without abusing them (I am legit ADHD)

Not sure how to end this, other than I appreciate you taking the time to read it

I can kinda relate in a few ways. A lot of my friends I didn't make because I went up to them and talked to, they kinda just "adopted me." I don't think I've ever made a friend because I made the first move. And when I do have those friends I'm pulling my hair out over if they actually like me or not. I'm constantly worried I did or said something that upset them or made them not want to be my friend. It's also the main reason I flat out refuse to try and socialize in person, and why I'm very wary of where I talk on the internet.

I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts. Some definitely worse and much more crippling than others (like the ones I'm having right now making me isolate myself from most of my online friends on Discord and Twitter, and bringing me to the genuine worst mental state I've ever been in) but the most consistent ones are definitely the ones about socialization and what other people think of me

 

[Roy]

Ardy not sure how to properly quote/hide stuff on mobile (finally have hit internet boomer status) but in addition to some other excellent advice you’ve gotten that I’m sure I’ll be repeating, just wanted to share a few thoughts:

1) Two things are true right now: it fucking sucks, but this is also 4 months of opportunity to better yourself - and even the relationship! Not necessarily with “hobbies,” but everything from continuing to optimizing psychiatric stuff (it’s a journey, I know) to finding a counselor if you don’t have it, or simply want to start eating healthy. You can also have 120 days worth of experiences with your partner you otherwise wouldn’t have. There are no limits for how great the 4 months can be. What an incredible asset if you really think about it.

Improving mental health state for Ardy = happier Ardy = happier significant other who loves you = happier relationship.

Beyond that, I have some experience with long distance with a serious ex, who moved to the Canary Islands to play soccer for 9 months. I’ll be honest - I think we did a pretty damn good job keeping the passion alive and growing the relationship irrespective of physical distance. Gotta get creative. Here’s a few things that worked out really well for us, in addition to phone calls, texting throughout day, etc

- starting a new series and FaceTiming while watching. You don’t even have to talk much - but being able to hear your significant other laugh and talk exactly like you would when watching a moving physically together is fun. I highly recommend this.

- my ex and I downloaded this app called iPassion where it would ask you sex questions like “what’s your favorite position,” “on a scale of 1-10 how dominant do you like being,” etc. Then you try to guess your partner’s answers. It’s a rush getting a notification that your partner answered during a random time during the day, and then text about it.

- FaceTime mutual masturbation. Make it your own. Explore new things. I surprised my ex with a new vibrator delivered to her house and it was fun as hell seeing her try it out. Sexy pics/videos out of the blue.

- ordering a couple cheap things on a certain day each week and getting it shipped to them. Surprise them with their favorite $2 popcorn with candy they put it in for movies. A $4 used book on Amazon that got good reviews they might like. And funny enough, they will enjoy it more because you got it for them.

- and my favorite thing (but is expensive) there are these neon lights that can connect to WiFi, and upon you touching them, will make another light somewhere else change colors. You touch it when you’re thinking about your partner. Nothing more. But it means a lot when that changes colors. It makes you happy, and reminds you why you love your significant other so much. What a great way to start the day.

You got this, and y’all got this. Think I can speak for all of us in that we’re excited to hear all about it!

 

[Roy]

I can kinda relate in a few ways. A lot of my friends I didn't make because I went up to them and talked to, they kinda just "adopted me." I don't think I've ever made a friend because I made the first move. And when I do have those friends I'm pulling my hair out over if they actually like me or not. I'm constantly worried I did or said something that upset them or made them not want to be my friend. It's also the main reason I flat out refuse to try and socialize in person, and why I'm very wary of where I talk on the internet.

I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts. Some definitely worse and much more crippling than others (like the ones I'm having right now making me isolate myself from most of my online friends on Discord and Twitter, and bringing me to the genuine worst mental state I've ever been in) but the most consistent ones are definitely the ones about socialization and what other people think of me

I hear that. Ironically the way I’ve dealt with making sure I’m content socially is to interject myself as bluntly as possible, so I can tell quickly if I am liked or not to rip off the bandaid. This is a huge subconscious thing I do, and is the same as you avoiding it all together. I am extroverted and always crave social interaction, so being alone is even worse (all things equal) for me.

Might not be asking for advice but could start with befriending someone one on one so there isn’t that extra stress of being in a group. Talk about something you’re confident about talking in. Hobbies y’all share, relating to school shit, sports if you’re into it.

Being your confident self at the beginning and achieving some social harmony will build more confidence to explore more topics.

But keep it simple. Identify 1 person that would be fun to chat with. Shoot the shit.

By the way, I GUARANTEE other people feel the same insecurities as we do in social situations, they just mask it better. Many of them will understand if they sense you’re getting anxious. And it won’t be a big deal. You don’t have to be perfect.

 

[Theia]

Hi friends, it's me again. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know me outside of "she posts a lot in the Depression thread," I do a few things over on PS. Most important for this tale is that I'm one of the Room Owners of the Tournaments and Tours Plaza rooms over there (you should stop by and say hi sometime!)

About a month ago, I was part of the driving force behind a decision to reorganize our Community Discord to accommodate both of our rooms, where it had previously just housed Tours Plaza. This decision was unpopular, not due in small part to the fact that we hadn't really given any warning before the restructure. I didn't react in the best or most mature way to the backlash either, which certainly didn't help matters.

What resulted was the alienation of a fair amount of the community, and a good bit of shittalk about me, some of which I certainly deserved. Usually that kind of thing doesn't bother me, but that's because it's usually coming from a user I just locked or someone in an appeal ticket upset that I won't overturn their punishment. But when I caused that kind of behavior in the very community I'm supposed to be helping to lead, it's a whole different level of shitty feeling. A lot of people in that community have called my leadership abilities into question. Some of it I can shrug off, like those suggesting that I, an internal policy-focused RO who has spent most of her time doing nomination policy and other general administrative things, cannot be a good RO for Tournaments because I'm not a competitive Pokemon player and don't play in tournaments. But some other comments have really stuck with me.

It's been a month, and I'm still shaken. I generally pride myself on being a good RO, doing my best to listen to both the staff I work with and the community I work for, but in this case, I failed to do that. While I have made efforts to improve myself on the fronts on which I feel I failed the people around me, I can't help but wonder if people are right. Would Tournaments be better off without me? Am I going to drive the room into the ground? Am I incompetent? And if I'm these things in Tournaments, what about in Wi-Fi? What about as an admin?

It feels silly to still be worrying about this after a month, and maybe it is, but I'm a people pleaser by nature and have always done my best to make everyone around me happy. I failed in spectacular fashion, and it eroded away my confidence in my ability to lead the room, and by extension the site, in an effective manner. This plus a few other other situations over the past month that don't need to be aired here have resulted in me taking a step back from PS due to a severe lack of motivation not entirely separate from the feelings of failure, incompetence, and uselessness. I don't know what I'm going to do next at this point.

Thank you for once again letting me scream into this void. It's nice to do this sometimes. And thank you to Lilburr for being a kind and understanding cinnamon roll who dealt with me through the worst of a lot of this.

 

[ausma]

Hi, Ardy and Nol , wanted to give some love and support for you both:

Hey everyone

Its currently 2am and theres a lot going on

Hide

So its been a while since I last posted in this thread (which is a good thing ahahaha) and the main reason for that has been my boyfriend. Hes been the rock getting me through my depression these past few months and I love him so much. Me and him have been planning to move in together in December when both our leases expire.
But today he got an email from a study abroad program he got waitlisted for a while ago. We both just assumed he wasnt getting in, but someone dropped out and he was taken off the waitlist and offered a spot. Its 4 months. He leaves in January. And I am not ready for this.
Im happy for him. I really am, Im so proud of him, hes going to europe and hes going to be so good but at the same time theres just a profound sadness in me at the fact that not only are we not moving in together, but that I wont see him for 4 months. He wont be here to calm me down when Im having an episode. He wont be here to wake up next to me and tell me he loves me. And ofc no sex for four months.
I feel horrible for feeling like this because I feel like Im being sad for his success, that I only wanted to hold him down or something. I feel terrible and obviously I would never tell him I feel this way but I cant help it. The thought of him not being here for four months is crushing to me. And then its long distance. Yeah, its just 4 months, but long distance is fucking hard. Plus we wont be in the same timezone, idk how much we'll talk and theres just. So much. And I want it to go away. I just want to take the week off and cry about it but I have a midterm tomorrow and we're having drinks on friday and I just. Dont know how to cope with my support system just vanishing in January.
Love you all. Hope everyones doing well.

As someone who's been in exclusively long-distance relationships; they are hard, very very hard. There's something really important in being able to have physical contact in relationships because it is like a keystone of intimacy, a sort of meaningful and deep exposure that you can't really get online where you're bound by computers and mobile devices. I can't imagine how scary it is to go into new territories like that when you're so used to having that level of intimacy, especially if it's been pivotal to helping you get through your day. I sympathize greatly with the importance of an intimate relationship and I hope that maintains going forward.

Online relationships may have their hardships, but after years of being in one, it is still driven by love. Although I know for certain the adjustment will be hard, the fact you two have been able to support one another and stick together through thick and thin demonstrates to me, and I'm sure everyone else who has read your story, that what you two have together is genuine and important. My greatest advice for you would be to stay in touch; give each other space if needed, of course, but maintaining contact and communicating your needs and concerns are how relationships are started and actually thrive. I think it may also help that you've actually had time with him in person to where you know how you feel about him and you have feasible ambitions and goals for one another. I know that adjustment process is going to be really scary, and I have no doubts it will be hard, but I'm sure it will hold out so long as you keep in touch. If you ever want any further tips, support, or advice, my DMs are always open. Best of luck <3

Hi friends, it's me again. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know me outside of "she posts a lot in the Depression thread," I do a few things over on PS. Most important for this tale is that I'm one of the Room Owners of the Tournaments and Tours Plaza rooms over there (you should stop by and say hi sometime!)

About a month ago, I was part of the driving force behind a decision to reorganize our Community Discord to accommodate both of our rooms, where it had previously just housed Tours Plaza. This decision was unpopular, not due in small part to the fact that we hadn't really given any warning before the restructure. I didn't react in the best or most mature way to the backlash either, which certainly didn't help matters.

What resulted was the alienation of a fair amount of the community, and a good bit of shittalk about me, some of which I certainly deserved. Usually that kind of thing doesn't bother me, but that's because it's usually coming from a user I just locked or someone in an appeal ticket upset that I won't overturn their punishment. But when I caused that kind of behavior in the very community I'm supposed to be helping to lead, it's a whole different level of shitty feeling. A lot of people in that community have called my leadership abilities into question. Some of it I can shrug off, like those suggesting that I, an internal policy-focused RO who has spent most of her time doing nomination policy and other general administrative things, cannot be a good RO for Tournaments because I'm not a competitive Pokemon player and don't play in tournaments. But some other comments have really stuck with me.

It's been a month, and I'm still shaken. I generally pride myself on being a good RO, doing my best to listen to both the staff I work with and the community I work for, but in this case, I failed to do that. While I have made efforts to improve myself on the fronts on which I feel I failed the people around me, I can't help but wonder if people are right. Would Tournaments be better off without me? Am I going to drive the room into the ground? Am I incompetent? And if I'm these things in Tournaments, what about in Wi-Fi? What about as an admin?

It feels silly to still be worrying about this after a month, and maybe it is, but I'm a people pleaser by nature and have always done my best to make everyone around me happy. I failed in spectacular fashion, and it eroded away my confidence in my ability to lead the room, and by extension the site, in an effective manner. This plus a few other other situations over the past month that don't need to be aired here have resulted in me taking a step back from PS due to a severe lack of motivation not entirely separate from the feelings of failure, incompetence, and uselessness. I don't know what I'm going to do next at this point.

Thank you for once again letting me scream into this void. It's nice to do this sometimes. And thank you to Lilburr for being a kind and understanding cinnamon roll who dealt with me through the worst of a lot of this.

Hi Nol; your story resonates a lot with me, and I'm genuinely so sorry that you've been driven into feeling this way about yourself and your contributions. It can be incredibly hard to see the value of your work and your place as a leader when it seems as though people actively resent them, or that it feels like you're constantly making mistakes. Your position as a PS admin and room owner of numerous rooms inherently comes with a lot of weight, and emphasizes a sense of leadership to where it is really easy to connect how you perceive yourself and your actions to the quality of your work. Even small mistakes can feel like monumental failures, and at times the circumstances of being in that position can really get to you. iIt can definitely feel like an endless spiral downward where mistakes fuel that spiral, and genuinely good decisions/actions can be obscured by the much more vocal negativity. I fully empathize with you and I'm so, so sorry you've been put into that wringer; it's not something anybody deserves.

I personally would like to say, though, that you got to where you are today for a reason. From what I've seen of you, you are a very proactive leader able to take initiative and action when it is called for, and given how big and chaotic of a platform PS! is, I find that incredibly commendable. Furthermore, the sheer nature of the platform can make it even harder to really cater to everyone, and in spite of those circumstances you manage to push through and take initiative as a leader, which is inspiring as all hell. Even if you make mistakes here and there; who doesn't, right? There is no such thing as an infallible person, and people who expect you to be a perfect leader are expecting far too much. It's indirectly ingrained into leading figures so often that mistakes are unacceptable by sheer nature of your influence, but the reality is that you, your competence, and your influence are not defined by those mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, you make an incredibly positive difference.

If you ever want to talk about this any more, want a shoulder to lean on, or just want someone to talk to, I'd be more than happy to provide that for you. You're a really cool person and I'd love to get the opportunity to know you more. Hang in there, you got this :>

 

[Dorron]

Hi friends, it's me again. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know me outside of "she posts a lot in the Depression thread," I do a few things over on PS. Most important for this tale is that I'm one of the Room Owners of the Tournaments and Tours Plaza rooms over there (you should stop by and say hi sometime!)

About a month ago, I was part of the driving force behind a decision to reorganize our Community Discord to accommodate both of our rooms, where it had previously just housed Tours Plaza. This decision was unpopular, not due in small part to the fact that we hadn't really given any warning before the restructure. I didn't react in the best or most mature way to the backlash either, which certainly didn't help matters.

What resulted was the alienation of a fair amount of the community, and a good bit of shittalk about me, some of which I certainly deserved. Usually that kind of thing doesn't bother me, but that's because it's usually coming from a user I just locked or someone in an appeal ticket upset that I won't overturn their punishment. But when I caused that kind of behavior in the very community I'm supposed to be helping to lead, it's a whole different level of shitty feeling. A lot of people in that community have called my leadership abilities into question. Some of it I can shrug off, like those suggesting that I, an internal policy-focused RO who has spent most of her time doing nomination policy and other general administrative things, cannot be a good RO for Tournaments because I'm not a competitive Pokemon player and don't play in tournaments. But some other comments have really stuck with me.

It's been a month, and I'm still shaken. I generally pride myself on being a good RO, doing my best to listen to both the staff I work with and the community I work for, but in this case, I failed to do that. While I have made efforts to improve myself on the fronts on which I feel I failed the people around me, I can't help but wonder if people are right. Would Tournaments be better off without me? Am I going to drive the room into the ground? Am I incompetent? And if I'm these things in Tournaments, what about in Wi-Fi? What about as an admin?

It feels silly to still be worrying about this after a month, and maybe it is, but I'm a people pleaser by nature and have always done my best to make everyone around me happy. I failed in spectacular fashion, and it eroded away my confidence in my ability to lead the room, and by extension the site, in an effective manner. This plus a few other other situations over the past month that don't need to be aired here have resulted in me taking a step back from PS due to a severe lack of motivation not entirely separate from the feelings of failure, incompetence, and uselessness. I don't know what I'm going to do next at this point.

Thank you for once again letting me scream into this void. It's nice to do this sometimes. And thank you to Lilburr for being a kind and understanding cinnamon roll who dealt with me through the worst of a lot of this.

I know what you are feeling with this so I can give you the advice I was given and that has helped me a lot since then.

First of all, the communities you are leading are extremely big. The Tournaments community is, if not the most, one of the most important and set communities in Smogon. This means that is is highly supervised and requires a lot of engagement and professionalism from the leaders to be correctly moderated. The leaders chose you to join the leadership of the community. Why would they ever trust on you if you weren't reliable and competent? I don't think so. Be proud of what you have accomplished.

Second point. What I've understood is that a reorganization of the community was tried and the feedback wasn't good. Well, that's how reorganizations work, people tend not to like it at first but they will eventually adapt to it to a point that the previous organization will be forgotten. It has happened to me both in Smogon and irl (my mom reorganized the whole kitchen and I hated it but now I am very comfortable with it). And, of course, reorganizations are not guaranteed to be successful, and nothing in general. You can't expect everybody liking a change (considering that most dislike changes in general), so don't worry about that at all.

You ""made"" a mistake and you were able to recognize it. That makes you better person than a lot of those who questioned your leadership abilities. Making mistakes is normal, we are not perfect! What it is important is to recognize it and try to fix it. This way you don't only show that you are aware of your actions but also set a precedent to the future leaders and members of the community of what is a bad idea. Resuming: mistakes are the best way to learn and are much more useful if you recognize you made them.

And lastly, related to the previous paragraph. You made a mistake, you were able to realize and you didn't ignore the feedback. That's what I call a great leader. I've been in a lot of situations in which the people in charge made a mistake, I or another person notified them (without a bad intention, just a willing to improve) and they talked back like if I was shittalking about them and saying they were not good leaders or anything, then proceeded to ignore my future opinions and make the same mistakes again and again. But this is not you. You considered what people were saying and didn't ignore them, even if they weren't well-purposed or polite. Let me tell you that I would love to have people like you leading everything. Listening to people is one of the most important aspects of life to improve both as a community and a person.

Don't let this thing break you down. This is not the end of the world. I am pretty sure the other leaders are very glad to have you working with them. It's normal to sometimes feel like you have when being in such an important position, but being there just means there isn't anybody as prepared as you to be there. Wish you the best!

 

[FatFighter2]

Hi friends, it's me again. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know me outside of "she posts a lot in the Depression thread," I do a few things over on PS. Most important for this tale is that I'm one of the Room Owners of the Tournaments and Tours Plaza rooms over there (you should stop by and say hi sometime!)

About a month ago, I was part of the driving force behind a decision to reorganize our Community Discord to accommodate both of our rooms, where it had previously just housed Tours Plaza. This decision was unpopular, not due in small part to the fact that we hadn't really given any warning before the restructure. I didn't react in the best or most mature way to the backlash either, which certainly didn't help matters.

What resulted was the alienation of a fair amount of the community, and a good bit of shittalk about me, some of which I certainly deserved. Usually that kind of thing doesn't bother me, but that's because it's usually coming from a user I just locked or someone in an appeal ticket upset that I won't overturn their punishment. But when I caused that kind of behavior in the very community I'm supposed to be helping to lead, it's a whole different level of shitty feeling. A lot of people in that community have called my leadership abilities into question. Some of it I can shrug off, like those suggesting that I, an internal policy-focused RO who has spent most of her time doing nomination policy and other general administrative things, cannot be a good RO for Tournaments because I'm not a competitive Pokemon player and don't play in tournaments. But some other comments have really stuck with me.

It's been a month, and I'm still shaken. I generally pride myself on being a good RO, doing my best to listen to both the staff I work with and the community I work for, but in this case, I failed to do that. While I have made efforts to improve myself on the fronts on which I feel I failed the people around me, I can't help but wonder if people are right. Would Tournaments be better off without me? Am I going to drive the room into the ground? Am I incompetent? And if I'm these things in Tournaments, what about in Wi-Fi? What about as an admin?

It feels silly to still be worrying about this after a month, and maybe it is, but I'm a people pleaser by nature and have always done my best to make everyone around me happy. I failed in spectacular fashion, and it eroded away my confidence in my ability to lead the room, and by extension the site, in an effective manner. This plus a few other other situations over the past month that don't need to be aired here have resulted in me taking a step back from PS due to a severe lack of motivation not entirely separate from the feelings of failure, incompetence, and uselessness. I don't know what I'm going to do next at this point.

Thank you for once again letting me scream into this void. It's nice to do this sometimes. And thank you to Lilburr for being a kind and understanding cinnamon roll who dealt with me through the worst of a lot of this.

Hi Nol,

I don’t normally stop by this thread, but I felt the need to respond here.

I’m truly sorry you this has led to doubting over your contributions to tours room and ps in general. As somewhat of a tours room goon myself, I was initially one of the more vocal critics of the idea to combine tours and tpp into one server. And, frankly speaking, it definitely could have been handled better on both sides, the leadership and the critics. As one of those outspoken critics, I do want to apologize for any hurtful comments I may have made during the rather heated discussion following that announcement. But, with hindsight, I do believe the decision you made to combine servers was the right choice.

Being the leader of any online community is a hard thing. People are bound to get upset at decisions leaders make. Sometimes, leaders make decisions that make some people mad, but benefits the the community as a whole. Lets be honest, the tours plaza room itself is pretty dead. Its the natural, intelligent, prudent move to add the tours room in the mix. Keeping the status quo would be like gatekeeping the larger tours room in a sense. The TP community is unlikely to grow much, but tours room is still very active. A separate, smaller, unofficial tours plaza server does not mean that you have failed as a leader, it means that the community has grown too large to fit in one official server. Tours Plaza Premier, a small tours plaza team tour, was more competitive than ever and drew in more people than ever before. That’s proof of the success of Tours and TP rooms, in no small part due to the continued leadership of you and other leaders of this room. So please don’t doubt your contributions to this room, as I can honestly say that tours + tp would not be at this position without your leadership. Have confidence in what you do next!

I can’t deny that some mistakes were definitely made by the leadership rolling out this change, mainly the lack of transparency. But the fact that you understand that mistakes were made gives me confidence it won’t ever happen again. No ones a perfect leader, everyone human and learns from mistakes. Understanding and building from those mistakes is the best thing you want a leader to be. I would have been far more worried if leaders had too large of an ego and refused to admit to mistakes made. And in the end, its a rather harmless mistake, with mendable consequences. Its a mistake that only makes you better of a leader than before. Its a mistake that, in fact, builds trust, trust that if mistakes are made, they will be corrected. Don’t be defined by past mistakes. You deserve to have this position, and deserve to be proud of it.

If you need someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to hit me up, I don’t bite. Sorry if this post is a bit of a rambling, I’m not good at long posts and am not exactly the most eloquent writer. You got this, and I can’t wait to see what direction this room is heading in.

 

[Morsel]

RE: Overworking, burnout, and lack of fulfillment.


Hey. I know this isn't exactly a "depression" post, but I feel that this is a similar enough topic to post. I've always been a very happy, carefree, and optimistic person, but this has really been tested over these past few months. Appearance wise, things are going great for me -- I have a great job, good friends, have a bunch of hobbies I enjoy, am healthy, and have a decent enough relationship (kinda) with at least some members of my family. However, I just feel done with everything. It feels like my life is on autopilot and I don't feel a sense of fulfillment or accomplishment; I sorta just exist and fulfil my daily responsibilities.

Maybe I'm at an age where I'm realizing that I don't want to spend my life working in the same job for 30+ years. What will my life's legacy be? Some average dude who just exists within the greater fabric of society? I feel that I took the life path that is "expected" of me and not what I actually wanted to do. Maybe covid-19 exacerbated this, but I feel like I'm living in some sort of computer simulation where I have a set lists of tasks I accomplish each day and nothing else. It doesn't help that my job, while cool, is extremely demanding and mentally draining (both in the number of hours I need to work each week and the type of work I need to do), so oftentimes after a long day I'm too tired to pursue things I actually enjoy. Most people I try bringing this up to tell me to stop complaining or grow up, which is fair, but it doesn't change the way I feel.

Anyways just needed to throw this out there since this has really been bothering me for a good while now.

I hope everyone else in this thread gets help with whatever struggles you are facing. Please reach out to me on discord or message me directly if you want to talk -- giving a bit of empathy is really the least I can do.

 

[Avery]

this has been in my drafts for ages. i've wanted to get everything off my chest for a long time. maybe it'll feel relieving to be able to get it over with, i don't really know what it is i'm seeking by posting here. this is the timeline of maybe a year of depression affecting my day to day life, and years more of clear signs going unnoticed.

tw: r*pe / sh / suicide

my thoughts

i've known i wasn't a cisgender heterosexual for a pretty good amount of time, but i never spent a ton of time dwelling on it because i thought that other people still see me the same, so why bother worrying about it? well, lately i've started to see the signs of being trans, and recognizing that as a reality is extremely difficult. its about more than just separating what you want from what society wants you to want, but also recontextualizing all you've ever done for the sake of being yourself. it takes a heavy toll on you, whether you want to face it or not. there's been signs since childhood that i'm just now realizing, simply because i'm trying to piece everything together. obviously, this is ridiculously taxing on the mental health front. most of my days end in me questioning my own identity and who i really am, but at the end of the day, what is being yourself really worth? is it worth grinding your mental health to a pulp just to accept yourself? i can't answer this myself - i'm not yet capable. i have been able to establish that, in a nutshell, fuck what other people think, do what brings you joy without caring for their opinions. their opinions might drag you down initially, but long-term this is worth it. i just don't yet know what will bring me that joy.

the single biggest issue pinning me down on a day-to-day basis is my inferiority complex. a vast portion of my time is spent jealous of others for their successes compared to my lack thereof, feeling lesser due to silly things like pokemon playing ability or decision making skills, or just feeling like a perpetual burden to those around me. if i'm honest, i feel as if i drag everyone around me down, especially in my limited online friend group. my best friend on this site also just left with no timetable for his return due to irl issues, which obviously are a priority and i respect that, but that doesn't make not being able to talk to him feel any better. i know that the way to solve this is to find my own successes, but when the main thing preventing me from being successful is self-doubt in my ability to be successful, it makes achieving personal success an impossibility. jealousy doesn't help this, and unfortunately, i chose to surround myself with people who i am jealous of constantly. they always tell me about my strenghts, yet it feels like pandering. sure, good people can think highly of you, but what does it matter when your actions don't reflect that? i'm also in a position i feel i don't deserve, i just feel like i climbed the ranks due to people abdicating their positions rather than out of my own merit. i want to be the person other people think i am, but i'll never get there without finding my own success, which is held back by me. it's a very vicious cycle that kills my mental health nearly 24/7.

one of the few things that helps is talking to people. i want people to interact with me, even though i'm too afraid to reach out. i want to feel wanted. when people abruptly leave me on read / stop talking to me entirely, it hurts a lot. it also sucks to have to initiate every conversation when you're antisocial. it feels bothersome. i know that they're probably dealing with more important things, like irl issues or work, but that doesn't lessen the feeling that i somehow did something wrong to make them want to stop talking to me. this adds to my inferiority complex, because it feels like i'm lesser than them because they chose to ignore me. it also instills a feeling of dejection, that nobody wants to interact with me because i'm detestable. really, i think i just want to feel wanted.

in addition to all of the aforementioned shit degrading my mental health, i've experienced a fair amount of personal loss lately. one of my friends on this site passed away, and another irl friend passed not too long ago. obviously this is extremely taxing. my irl friend passed away by his own hand as well, which further contributes to awful mental health. i wish i could have done something about them before it was too late. i would trade the world for one more conversation, but i know i'm not going to get that. i know this'll heal in time, but for now it absolutely sucks.

one of the few net positives lately was overcoming my addiction. i've done most of the drugs out there, and luckily i haven't been stuck on any of them. alcohol, however, had a grip on my life for a long while. my family has a history of alcoholism, so this isn't really a surprise to me. i went cold turkey and honestly it was terrible for the first week or so, but now i'm recovering and its actually one of the few things i can say i've done right lately.

on a totally different front, about a month ago, maybe more, i was raped by someone i trusted at the time. obviously this is a terrible experience for anyone to go through, but it stings a little more knowing theres nothing i can do to have her feel the repercussions of her actions. she doesn't even know she did anything wrong. there's no justice i can seek either - the lack of evidence is the primary reason why. personally, i always believe the victims, but in a court of law, theres nothing i can do here. i'm not comfortable sharing it with the people on campus who could act on that information at this point. i guess i want closure, but i have no way to get it. as much as i fucking hate her for ruining me, i'm equally mad at myself for not going forward with it. i'm so tired of feeling helpless.

i did start self-harming. people have expressed concern about my safety and honestly, i could not care less. if anything happens, it's my fault anyway and i should deal with the repercussions of my actions. i deserve all that comes to me because of it. i don't do it with the intent of dying, but i would be lying if i said that i don't respect death as a valid possibility. i'm okay with that. i think the only thing preventing me from going too far is fear of whats on the other side. there's a few people here preventing that as well, but i don't think they'll be able to hold me back forever. surely they'll tire out or i'll drive them away. everyday i wake up wondering why i woke up. i don't want to continue waking up. i even wrote a note intended for my parents and close friends to read in case anything happens to me. i have a therapist, but she's focused on anxiety instead of depression.

i don't know what this rambling accomplishes, but it was nice to get everything out of my head. thank u for reading.

e- edited out the bit that reads like a note, that’s not my intention

 

[velvet]

Hi friends, it's me again. It's been a while.

For those of you who don't know me outside of "she posts a lot in the Depression thread," I do a few things over on PS. Most important for this tale is that I'm one of the Room Owners of the Tournaments and Tours Plaza rooms over there (you should stop by and say hi sometime!)

About a month ago, I was part of the driving force behind a decision to reorganize our Community Discord to accommodate both of our rooms, where it had previously just housed Tours Plaza. This decision was unpopular, not due in small part to the fact that we hadn't really given any warning before the restructure. I didn't react in the best or most mature way to the backlash either, which certainly didn't help matters.

What resulted was the alienation of a fair amount of the community, and a good bit of shittalk about me, some of which I certainly deserved. Usually that kind of thing doesn't bother me, but that's because it's usually coming from a user I just locked or someone in an appeal ticket upset that I won't overturn their punishment. But when I caused that kind of behavior in the very community I'm supposed to be helping to lead, it's a whole different level of shitty feeling. A lot of people in that community have called my leadership abilities into question. Some of it I can shrug off, like those suggesting that I, an internal policy-focused RO who has spent most of her time doing nomination policy and other general administrative things, cannot be a good RO for Tournaments because I'm not a competitive Pokemon player and don't play in tournaments. But some other comments have really stuck with me.

It's been a month, and I'm still shaken. I generally pride myself on being a good RO, doing my best to listen to both the staff I work with and the community I work for, but in this case, I failed to do that. While I have made efforts to improve myself on the fronts on which I feel I failed the people around me, I can't help but wonder if people are right. Would Tournaments be better off without me? Am I going to drive the room into the ground? Am I incompetent? And if I'm these things in Tournaments, what about in Wi-Fi? What about as an admin?

It feels silly to still be worrying about this after a month, and maybe it is, but I'm a people pleaser by nature and have always done my best to make everyone around me happy. I failed in spectacular fashion, and it eroded away my confidence in my ability to lead the room, and by extension the site, in an effective manner. This plus a few other other situations over the past month that don't need to be aired here have resulted in me taking a step back from PS due to a severe lack of motivation not entirely separate from the feelings of failure, incompetence, and uselessness. I don't know what I'm going to do next at this point.

Thank you for once again letting me scream into this void. It's nice to do this sometimes. And thank you to Lilburr for being a kind and understanding cinnamon roll who dealt with me through the worst of a lot of this.

First time here in this thread ;;

Hey Nol o/ i know everything has been rough on you these past months from when you first got promoted to RO in tours and wanted to say that from myself and the other staff there, we all appreciate you for what you’ve done for us and thank you for taking notice in both rooms. From the years I’ve been staffing in the rooms I felt as you did a splendid job with everything that’s going on in the community from tours policy, rules, and all that. We even got our own sub forum thanks to you and we plan to do big things with it so that’ll be fun to see honestly. I know it’s a lot of work and there will be people out there that will complain here and there, I’ve been there but you’ll pull through it and you won’t be alone as you have us staff to help you at all times. If the old ROs could see what you’ve done for us I’m sure they’d be very proud for what you’ve accomplished in a short amount of time, I know we are. Wanted to keep this short cause I suck at typing long paragraphs x.x.

 

[Byleth]

I should have posted here a long time ago, but I'm doing it now, better late than never.

TL;DR: I fucking hate myself.

tw: suicide
strong language warning too ig

text

its currently 3:41AM (i've been stuck on this fucking line thinking what to write since 3:00AM) when I should be sleeping but instead listening to fire emblem Lo-Fi and contemplating what the fuck have I been doing with my whole life, especially the past year. I'll start from the beginning, since things'll make more sense that way I guess.

Basically I had a narcassistic and abusive father that I blame most of my problems for because it feels better to blame him than it does to me, even though I know I'm lying to myself. Ever since I've been living with him since I was like around 9, the quality of life I had previously diminished rather quickly. First it was just simple things, like always being grounded even for the smallest things at a time and not being able to hang out with friends as freely as I did when I lived with my mom (they were never married, separated when I was 3) until I got old enough to where after he and my step mom divorced it was only me and him in an apartment and he would take out all the frustration from the divorce on me (around 14 at this time). It got to a point where he became very verbally abusive (calling me slurs) and manipulative and physically abusive (hitting, throwing, wrestling me to the ground where I couldn't breathe and whatever girlfriend he had over that day did absolutely nothing) and the courts didn't do shit when my mom tried to get me out of that hell hole because they didn't give a shit that I decided to give up and had an attempted s****** attempt and my dad just laughed afterwards. Sure enough, the courts did nothing to stop this incident either due to a "lack of evidence" so I kept on living with him until they finally did something, which involved another moment of me being pinned to the ground where I couldn't breathe and telling me that if the courts kept getting involved he'd k*** me and my mom. In the process of this, I've switched to 3 different high schools so I never really had the chance to connect with anyone and DURING SENIOR YEAR, I relocated to Arizona from Kansas where I don't know anybody!

So to clear my mind off of things, I decided to rely on something that I thought would give me an escape from reality, showdown. In the past year, I've logged onto showdown nearly everyday (besides the 2 week hiatus I took to actually ensure I'd graduate because my attention on showdown over school almost had me fail), and I can't say that has helped me rather than hurt me tremendously and it's not hard for me to see why. I don't think I can name any good friends on this site that I regularly talk to, and the two reasons I can think of this happening is because I'm not really good friends with anybody to the point where I can feel comfortable with that, or the more probable reason, nobody gives a shit about me to care. I feel like I've been dedicating my entire time to a site that gives no benefit to me because it makes me feel like shit every single day I log on. This is coupled with more things like the anxiety of tours on smogon and the god awful tour scene I've been exposed to, but I won't go more in depth because I need to get through more things. I'll admit I'm not really a social person myself, and this might be the problem because I don't give people a chance to see who I really am, but it feels like when I do try and input anything I'm either shot down or ignored. Well, this was more obvious when I was a normal PS user so I guess that has lessened up a bit.

Will probably add that I have nothing planned for myself after High School yet, the trade school I was enlisted to turned out to not work since my mom decided the cost was too much even after I had already enrolled to start the 29th of October. I'm sitting in an apartment with no job, barely any money, and not in school at 18. And even if I decided to go to school, I fucked up my chances to go to a good one because of my grades due to online school. I don't know if there's even a point in trying to accomplish anything, feels like I'll fall into the same cycle of my parents of working horrible 9-5 call center jobs living in an apartment and barely paying rent to get by. I guess this has brought down my self esteem as well, and that I should probably fix this but I'm not even sure where to start. My life just feels like a wreck to where I don't even worry about fixing this, and I don't think this is a healhty mindset to have at 18.

I don't feel too comfortable admitting to gender disphoria, but I'll add that to the list of things keeping me up at night. I know I am a male, that's what everyone of my family expects me to be, and it's hard to feel like anything other than a male...except recently, I've been thinking about wanting to be a girl more and more often that I basically think about it every day. It feels like I don't represent my current gender at the moment, I'm not exactly sure how to put it. If I could be a girl over a guy, then I would definitely be a girl but it saddens me to think about it when I know there is no way in hell that it would ever fly with my mom/grandma/uncle/cousins/aunt/literally anyone else in my family. I've also thought through if I was Bisexual, although this would also disappoint the same people so these thoughts have basically just been sitting in my mind to the point where I think about using my online identity to portray someone I want to be, but who I'm not. Just needed to get that out there, although I'll probably regret ever saying this.

I've been recently thinking of slowly transitioning my time from showdown into another game that I play, but I don't think that is the right call because of the positions I'm currently in? And I don't necessarily want to drop those either, but lately they've felt like something I'm rather obligated to do rather than have fun with. For now, I've been enjoying Smash Ultimate a lot more than I have for mons, which hurts because I've invested so much time into this platform that I don't really want to throw it away. Anyways, I feel like it's time to close this out, I'm not really sure what all I'm expecting from this, I'm just tired and I probably don't make much sense to begin with. Thanks for listening, if you really do care.

 

[bdt2002]

I may a bit late to this thread, but depression is a serious enough issue to where it's never a bad time to bring it up just because that many people may be going through it. If I may, I'd like to try and provide some words of comfort to anyone who needs to hear this.

The living situations all of us grew up in are so, so much different relative to one another. I myself may not understand what it is like to experience hardship along the lines of... let's see here. My apologies if any of these examples hit too close to home, but things along the lines of abusive and/or split up parents, excessive bullying, childhood trauma, death of loved ones, even serious issues like r@pe for instance. I do not believe it is right for me to speak on something if I do not have a full understanding of the situation. But what I can tell you is this. There are people out there in this beautiful world that you may not have even met yet in person. most of, if not all of these people, want little more, than to see all of you be happy and succeed in life. Especially in regards to your own loved ones, the numerous good deeds you have done in your life do not go unnoticed. You may not see it just yet, but your inner strength you have developed as a result of coping with depression can and will make you a happier, healthier person in the long run who has the capability to accomplish his or her dreams.

Stay strong, my friends. I will keep you all in my prayers as well.

 

[Skeptcal Dingo]

Thank you for your kind words. they helped me a lot at the moment, since I am going through a tough time since i received a diagnosis by my gynecologist, that I cannot have kids in the future of my own due to a deformation of my uturus. The deformation is called Uterus Bicornis and can cause miscarriages or pregnancy issues and since I was already before this a moreso high-risk pregnancy patient, It is now impossible to get a kid of my own. Sure there are solutions to this such as adoption or taking care of a child, but it's still sad to know that I cannot ever have my own tiny kid. It just makes me very depressed, after alot of therapy I did I felt better, but this diagnosis put me back in my deep, sad stage.

I just hope that it gets better again and uphill instead of downhill. But thanks alot for your kind words! They truly helped me and I agree depressions are a very serious issue and they can be caused by alot of traumatic situations a person went through. But thank you alot for letting all of us know that we aren't alone.

So sorry to hear Katy. Wish you all the love and support I can! We all appreciate you in the community. Take care, always here for you.

 

[adem]

tldr- i am broken
tw: suicide, depression

w

i have really been struggling with finding the right person/people to talk to, and was honestly quite scared initially with posting here because i really dont want to be treated differently because of this, but now i realise i need to let it all out and cant keep it in.

i think i’ll start with where it all started and all. anyways, i dont really want to get into it much but during my years at primary/elementary school it was hell. i was well. the weird kid, the kid who had no friends, the kid who would sit at the back and draw instead of doing work. i also had anger issues back then, and although i have learnt to control it now, i often got extremely aggressive to these kids and was often punished because of it. one day, i decided to channel my courage and tell my parents about it, about how every day i came to school i specifically avoided people and just tried to get to my desk as fast as possible and open my book and read. her response was along the lines of “just dont react lol, u dont do anything they wont either”. so i did, i took it all and just sat through it, but it only got worse and worse. fast forward a few years and i overhear my parents calling “all these depression and stress stuff” bullshit, and a waste of time, and at that moment i realised i dont think i could tell them anything anymore. anyways, reading and drawing was my escape from school. i was different from the other students, and i couldnt really make any friends because of it, but honestly i didnt think it was that bad, and being bullied every day for how i looked and acted was just “kids being kids“. fast forward to now, i see my brother plays fortnite with his primary school friends basically every day, i follow my dad to work and see him get coffee with people he knew since he was 9, and i think to myself, why dont i have any of this? when i realised that i had finished primary school and had not kept in contact with any1 i knew, and that i had genuinely new friends, i realised how shitty my experience was with it. my parents thought i was ecstatic since i had scored amazingly on my UPSR's (primary school end exam, rlly big thing here), they didnt really care about how i felt getting there, or if i was happy with life overall.

anyways, the big exam was over and now im heading to secondary school, really big thing for me and my parents. i was honestly extremely shy back then, and didnt make friends fast. at the early stages of secondary school (yr 8 and 9) i was doing amazing, was aceing math (my worst subject), had gotten a strong group of friends, and honestly was quite happy with life. when yr10 started and we had to pick our subjects for our gsce’s (big secondary school exam), i started to fall behind. my math got significantly worse, i wasnt really focused in my other classes as well and art was much more of a chore than i thought. then arguably the worst part of my schooling life happened, the lockdowns. we started ours in the middle of march, and we had to start with online learning. at the start it was fine, i messed around with my friends, but my grades got worse and worse. then around like 2 months after it started, i found out that all my friends had kind of left me behind, and started hanging out with other people, the stereotypical “cool kids” crowd, which kinda hurt more because they used to be dicks to us before this. so yeah, i was pretty much friendless again aside from a few people online i knew. this also really sucked because my mock exams were coming up, and well im p sure you all know that studying by yourself, not having any1 to really ask or talk to really fucking sucked.

but then something really changed me: i met a girl. a girl who was amazing, who always encouraged me to do better, who helped me out of a dark time, who had really just made me better as a person. i loved this girl, with all my heart, and she loved me back, and i had thought i had found true love. i had basically flunked my mock exams when i met her, and was overall just out of motivation. when i did meet her though, it changed how i looked at the world, and i realised i really wanted to fucking make sure i work hard and achieve the goals i want in life to someday be with her. she was really the catalyst to my will to make a good life out of myself. i put so much hope, trust, and determination into that relationship, and making sure i did not fail at life, that when the second round of mocks came in, my grades soared up, when i was averaging d-c’s in classes i now scored high b’s and low a’s, i really was at the top of the world with her, and felt i could do anything. she changed me for the better then. around late june july, the real deal started, i was stressed as fuck but i knew i could do it, and would do it just for her. i had zoomed past all the long weeks of exams, and finally came the last week. she was my everything, she was my forever.

the saturday before the last week, while i was busy preparing for the exam 2 days later, i get a call from one of the people who i know from school, and they send me pictures of her with another guy, and some screenshots of messages between her and one of my friends. this was the saturday before the biggest exam basically of my life up until this point, the exam that basically determines how my life goes from now on. and i find out my girlfriend, the one i put so much trust, love, and happiness into, the one person that i was determined to succeed for, even over myself really, with another person. my heart fucking crumbled. i decided to ignore it and pretend like it didnt happen, enter the exam hall, and forget about it. once the week ended, and my exams officially ended, i walked out of school and saw her with another guy, and i was reminded of what happened and just walked away. i couldnt say anything to the people i knew from school, to my parents, i just walked into my room, locked the door and cried. i cried and cried until dinner. before dinner i wiped my eyes, and pretend i didnt just lose the person i loved the most in my life. the next day i tried to talk to her about it, i honestly thought it was my fault, i blamed myself for everything and promised to do better, i just wanted her back in my life, back to when i was happy. then she tells me she had been doing this for nearly a month now and honestly just wanted to break up with me. i tried to rekindle what we had, what happiness we shared months ago, but she refused. thats when the worst came.

when my depression hit me in full force. nearly every night from that point on i would cry myself to sleep, i stayed up until the early hours of the morning just to contemplate where i had gone wrong in our relationship, and i couldnt find it. we barely had any fights, really only just 2, we always knew we had each other to come to when we needed some1 to talk to, it looked perfect to me. so many nights i used to open our apartment window next to my bed and just stare out, dreaming of what would happen if i just jumped? i had no one to love anymore, i had no friends to talk to, i cant talk to my parents because i am terrified of their response, i know they dont handle stuff like this well. i had my results coming out soon, what if they were bad? what was i supposed to do with my life then? where am i supposed to go after this? even though all these thoughts were flowing theough my head, all i could think of was “where did i not love her enough?” i felt incomplete, i had nothing to do, no motivation to do anything, most days i would just sit in my room all day and avoid my parents as much as possible. i had the same routine every day, eat go to bed, eat, sleep, on and on and on. i had no goal, no wants, nothing. i was empty. then the anger started coming back. i was angry at her for leaving me like this, i was angry at myself for not trying enough to make things right, i was angry at my parents for not caring enough, i was angry at my friends who never really cared about me. my tendencies got worse, just looking at things like my fan in my room, the window by my bed was enough to set me on my spree of dark thoughts. “how long would it last if used the fan? pretty sure its tall enough for it to be quick”, “would i even feel anything if i hit the ground below?”, ”would any1 even care if they found me with this knife?”. i was sad, alone, and hurting. i was broken. then it got even worse when my parents started pressuring me about work and higher education. it didnt even look like they cared that sometimes at dinner my eyes would be red from crying, or that i never smiled anymore, or that i locked myself in my room most of the day, all they cared about is whether i be a doctor or a lawyer when i grow up. i hated it, i hated them for not understand me, i hate them for not trying. i hate myself for not having the courage in me to go to them.

right now i’ve found a community of people online that are honestly amazing and really saved me from going too far, but i still havent healed. i may put on a happy face, make jokes, and try to show that i have moved on but honestly it keeps coming back. the amazing times with her, the times i thought i had found a community but then have been left in the dust by them, the times i have been thrown away. thats why i cant guarantee my whole in this community, because im scared if i do that ill just be thrown to the side one day. i want to believe i had found my home, but i dont know if i can take being crushed again. i have a lot of problems at home, at work, at classes that i dont share anywhere here because i dont want to burden more people, and i sincerely apologise if i burdened you here by reading this, i just really thought i need to let this out there because i dont think i have anyone that i can talk to about this. therapy here isnt exactly the most established thing here, most people are fairly traditional and dont believe it helps, and my parents obviously wouldnt let me. i dont i myself can even force myself to tell a random person about my issues.

now hs is over and i dont know what to do with my life, im scared of going to college and meeting new people, scared that they’ll leave me again. im scared that i’ll find some1 who makes my life worth living, for them to truly help me, then break me even harder. i dont understand how life works honestly, how im expected to know exactly what im supposed to do at 16, how i should have a plan set up. i dont even have people around me to talk to about it.

i force myself to be happy now, that i should move on, that i have found people here that appreciate me for who i am, but i dont think i can.

i dont think i can heal, and i dont think any of these scars i have can ever heal. i dont think ill find anyone in this world who brings me as much joy as she once did, i dont think ill be able to able to trust people. i dont think ill every gain faith in my parents to care about wether im happy or not. i dont think ill ever really fit anywhere. i am afraid of loving again, i am afraid of what happens if it doesnt work out again. i am afraid of telling people because i dont want to be judged, i am afraid of what happens if i cant take it anymore, i am afraid of trying. i dont think ill ever truly be whole again.

i am broken, and i dont think i can fix myself

i really didnt want to post this but i think i need to set things straight with myself, and feel like this is a good start. please dont treat me differently because of this, ty.

 

[Light Sanctity]

adem please do not feel like you are burdening people with this (by reading your post) any person who has some form of a mental health issue should ALWAYS reach out or at least talk to someone; whether it is through phone or just you typing and someone else listening. Relationships is a bit complicated for me as I never had one before but I am very sorry and my thoughts are with you friend but you are still so young and have so much to give please do not short yourself. We all (even myself right now) face different bumps throughout the course of our lives. College; I am still uncertain of what I want to do with my life and in someways, it leaves me depressed and lonely to see how my friends are all moving forward and making strong strides—like I am still treading water. But there is always one to two things that help keep me sane; first,

this cute little thing uwu and second is my family; both are everything to me. Many of my friends' I have grown up with I barely talk to except one who is serving the United States in the U.S. Coast Guard Semper Paratus. Please do not hesitate to bump my DM/PMs.