Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

ironwater

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I’ve been reading posts here sporadically and it hurts a lot to see that people I really like in this community are suffering, so I just wanted to cheer them up (even if I’m not the best at cheering up).


Byleth, even though we’re not the closest persons on Smogon, I always had good interactions with you, and I have a lot of respect for you. Your story really touched me, and I can imagine how hard it must have been to go through all this. I hope with all my heart that you’ll be able to find your way in life. I know it is hard, and that considering what you’ve been through it’s even harder but giving up is the worse thing to do. Life is full of opportunities, and you deserve to have a good life, don’t give up, stay strong and you’ll manage to build the life you want to live. Self esteem is hard to gain back when you’ve lost it, but you need to keep in mind all the qualities you have (and I’m sure you have a lot) and that your able to do great things. Self esteem is the key to move forward and yes, it’s not easy to look up at yourself when everything seems to go wrong, so I’m telling it to you, you’re not worthless and you are a great person. Wish you all the best!


Katy, you are a wonderful person and yeah sometimes life sucks and I’m extremely sorry to hear that. I know we already talk about this, but I wanted to say it to you again, you’re not worthless and you matter to many people. Medical issues suck, but please don’t give up, I’m sure you’ll find solutions and I hope therapy will help you feeling better. I know I’m not the best at answering, but feel free to pm me (and even spam my pms) when you feel bad or need someone to talk with if you feel alone. Stay strong, Katy!


adem, I know you since some months now and first off, I want to say that I admire your involvement in helping other people. I didn’t know that you feel that bad and reading all this was hard. I know what it feels to be rejected by the person you love the most, and I think you’ll need time to rebuilt yourself. You are young adem, life is ahead of you, and I’m sure you’ll have a lot of opportunities and a lot of good moments to live. I hope you’ll find the strength to move forward and to find your place in this world (I’m sure you will). Adolescence is a difficult time for a lot of us, but don’t give up, you still have so much to build. Wish you to feel better!


I really wish I was able to help you with more than words, but I can’t. I hope I could at least bring you some comfort. Stay strong everyone!
 
Hey everyone, I actually never knew this page existed until a friend told me of it and it’s hard to see all of these things happen to great people.

please remove this post if it is not necessary. I am in no way belittling anyone with what they are going through. I would just like to share something from my story and add some positivity to your situation if possible.

I live in Australia. I’m pretty fortunate tbh. I played sport a lot. I was the best at soccer (football). The reason for this was I was trying to make friends. I was born with moderate genetic hearing loss. I have glasses and can’t see out my left eye (again, genetic). This doesn’t help you make friends because “you’re the weird kid”
This went on until I was in yr 9 and had my first friend at age 14.

during this time my family split, my parents got divorced, my grandparents and extended family disowned me and I found out the truth only when my grandparents nearly gone. That almost everything they ever told me was a lie. I didn’t know who they were anymore.

I graduated school and received my certificate with just my brother in the audience supporting me. I’ve gone on to be where I am today.
I bought my first home earlier this year, I have a loving GF and her family and My parents got back together.

i Wanted to take my life in 2013. A year after I finished school. Up until that point I had been, or at least felt completely alone.

I just want you all to know, it gets easier. Take things one day at a time, give everything you have for the moment! Take time to be still and remember who you really are. The opinions of others don’t matter, you can be whoever you want to be.
The mind is a powerful thing and positivity can change you and those around you.

i try my best to be nice to everyone I am in contact with. Please don’t read this or anyone else’s struggles as a comparison.

Everyone is going through things, and we have no idea what that might be.

If we all try and be a little nicer to eachother, the world would be a better place and we can get through life together!

take care everyone. Come for mons, stay for the people you meet
 

ausma

token smogon furry
is a Site Content Manageris a Top Social Media Contributoris a Top Artistis a Member of Senior Staffis a Community Contributoris a Tiering Contributoris a Contributor to Smogonis a Top Team Rater Alumnusis a Smogon Discord Contributor Alumnus
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hello everyone, i don't really like talking about my feelings and what's been happening in my head because truthfully when it comes down to it i hold myself to a really high standard to leave a good impression on the community, especially in the past few months where my presence has become a lot more widespread. though, as a leading figure in the community i feel it is my responsibility to be just as transparent about my circumstances as with my work, and considering how much is on my mind and has been bottled up in the past 6 months, i need to say something. anybody who reads this is not obligated nor are they expected to respond, i just feel i owe this to both myself and those who have been concerned about me

a lot of people don't really know a lot about me. admittedly behind the ausma account there's a lot i haven't really talked about regarding my past and what led me to where i am today as OUFL/what brought me here in the first place. i am not sure if i will discuss that much but maybe i will someday. for those of who you don't know already, my real name is connie. i am a college freshman and neuroscience major who is extremely passionate about art, designing, and writing. obviously i'm a gigantic pokemon fan too but my presence here has likely made that obvious

two summers ago before my senior year of high school, i was diagnosed with clinical depression, which is a form of major, persistent depression that impacts you in long, draining bursts and generally the happiest you feel is... at most neutral, or enough to get through the day. there are a lot of reasons as to why that has developed, but the major tl;drs are my abusive father and ex-relationship which i will not elaborate further on. however due to what's happened with them i've developed crippling self-esteem and emotional issues that have crucially warped how i view myself and my contributions relative to the world around me. in addition to other details such as neurodivergence, sexuality, and gender identity it's a big disgusting mess of bullshit that i hate forcing onto others, and oftentimes do not let myself talk about because the kinds of thoughts i have are not only chaotic but incredibly self-destructive, but really personal and really sensitive as well. i've heard a lot of people often criticize those aspects of me, and they are right to. it is an irrational response to a meaningless situation, but one that's been deeply ingrained into my dogma.

i am very used to abandonment, feeling insignificant, and feeling worthless, and all of that has been internalized as a norm for me due to constant conditioning from the world around me. i don't trust many people because i'm so used to people leaving me in the dust and dismissing me and my work. in a position like mine, you would expect me to have a lot of friends, but the truth is i really don't, especially compared to others on this site hugely because of these aforementioned trust issues, but also because i am incredibly fucking bizarre, unsubstantial, and unnerving as a person. i often don't contribute much value to discussions (and oftentimes my words are understandably criticized if not left alone), i annunciate and word myself abysmally, and everything i do is riddled with flaws and imperfection (as proven by how others talk and respond to me). relative to others, i view a lot of people with crippling envy, especially since there's typically such a strong metric to compare myself with. a lot of people who are incredibly prosperous and talented start in the exact same place as me; when you've seen tens of people start with you or even after you, and then do everything you do but a million times better with a lot more bang for their buck, it's pretty fucking easy to think that the issue is something to do with you and your competence. my voice is only really heard because i force it to be heard; people have expressed time and time again in my past that they could go without it. maybe that could be seen as a positive trait, but when you're so used to people scrutinizing you, it's hard to view that as genuine initiative. honestly i question my worth and usefulness way more than i realistically should.

i wish i were a regular normal person, i wish i wasn't a complete fucking weirdo, i wish i brought something of value to the table, i wish i was actually smart and competent. it's very often i experience imposter's syndrome. everyone around me is so incredibly smart, well-worded, grounded, and talented; and compared to that, what exactly do i bring to the table? if i bring anything at all, is it really anything substantial, meaningful, and/or impactful in any way? does my presence do anything other than make people uncomfortable, self-conscious, or creeped out? i know i've hurt so many people in the past, and i know i still do to this day without realizing it. what does all of this, any of this, say about me as a person if it happens time and time again?

the reason i may have dedicated so much time to smogon today may be because of reasons i'd prefer to keep to myself, but i know a huge reason i am so dedicated is because i want to advocate and support this community. even if i know i'm not as smart, wise, or as capable as others that i've had the honor of working with and talking to, i want to do everything in my power to make everyone in this community feel loved, cared for, and important in their own beautiful way. maybe that's naive, maybe i'm too ambitious, but i dont want anybody to feel the way i feel to this day and will likely continue to feel for a good while. i want you to succeed, reader, and everyone else here to as well. i know my purpose here, but it's sometimes hard to come to terms with when it's not as glamorous, flashy, or even as impactful as those you've grown with, and are so conditioned to the concept of worth being tied to positive reception and tangible reward. i'll figure it out someday, i suppose.

thanks for reading.
 
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I never thought I'd visit anything Smogon-related again, but without any other recourse, maybe screaming into the void will do me some good.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression quite some time ago. Life's been full of ups and downs since then, mostly regarding how I went about my life and how I interacted with people. My already lacking social skills atrophied even further due to the pandemic and not having very many IRL friends to begin with, and there were some days I physically couldn't will myself to get up out of bed. But I still tried, because I had people in my life who cared about me (or so I thought) and wanted to see me succeed.

Things have improved over the course of the summer, I suppose. Maybe I just got tired of feeling sorry for myself, or maybe the therapy did something. Either way, I pulled myself back together, and I'm currently in college studying to be a pscyhologist, my dream job. I also took up creative writing as a hobby during the summer months, and I've been steadily improving thanks to the help of some close friends and a Discord server/writer's guild I joined.

If there's one thing I can take away from my journey, it's that I only needed validation from myself instead of others. Instead of focusing on the needs and expectations of others, I did what I wanted to and what I thought was right. No more worrying about what strangers on a forum for a video game had to say about my performance in said game (they know who they are). Just SpacialRendevous, and nobody else. Ironically, the biggest improvement to my life Smogon made was encouraging me to quit Smogon (and competitive Pokemon as a whole) and find something more valuable to me.

I do intend to participate in the upcoming Smogon charity bowl, as it represents a cause I identify strongly with, but after that, I intend to keep my hiatus permanent. I think it's in the best interest of myself, the friends I've made, and my own mental health if I stay away. So to whom it may concern, consider this my explanation for where I've been the past few weeks.

This was entirely off the cuff, so if my rambling doesn't belong here, feel free to get rid of it. I just couldn't let these feelings go unspoken forever.
 

ironwater

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is a Battle Simulator Administratoris a Member of Senior Staffis a Top Team Rater Alumnusis a Top Social Media Contributor Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Top Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Top Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
PS Admin
hello everyone, i don't really like talking about my feelings and what's been happening in my head because truthfully when it comes down to it i hold myself to a really high standard to leave a good impression on the community, especially in the past few months where my presence has become a lot more widespread. though, as a leading figure in the community i feel it is my responsibility to be just as transparent about my circumstances as with my work, and considering how much is on my mind and has been bottled up in the past 6 months, i need to say something. anybody who reads this is not obligated nor are they expected to respond, i just feel i owe this to both myself and those who have been concerned about me

a lot of people don't really know a lot about me. admittedly behind the ausma account there's a lot i haven't really talked about regarding my past and what led me to where i am today as OUFL/what brought me here in the first place. i am not sure if i will discuss that much but maybe i will someday. for those of who you don't know already, my real name is connie. i am a college freshman and neuroscience major who is extremely passionate about art, designing, and writing. obviously i'm a gigantic pokemon fan too but my presence here has likely made that obvious

two summers ago before my senior year of high school, i was diagnosed with clinical depression, which is a form of major, persistent depression that impacts you in long, draining bursts and generally the happiest you feel is... at most neutral, or enough to get through the day. there are a lot of reasons as to why that has developed, but the major tl;drs are my abusive father and ex-relationship which i will not elaborate further on. however due to what's happened with them i've developed crippling self-esteem and emotional issues that have crucially warped how i view myself and my contributions relative to the world around me. in addition to other details such as neurodivergence, sexuality, and gender identity it's a big disgusting mess of bullshit that i hate forcing onto others, and oftentimes do not let myself talk about because the kinds of thoughts i have are not only chaotic but incredibly self-destructive, but really personal and really sensitive as well. i've heard a lot of people often criticize those aspects of me, and they are right to. it is an irrational response to a meaningless situation, but one that's been deeply ingrained into my dogma.

i am very used to abandonment, feeling insignificant, and feeling worthless, and all of that has been internalized as a norm for me due to constant conditioning from the world around me. i don't trust many people because i'm so used to people leaving me in the dust and dismissing me and my work. in a position like mine, you would expect me to have a lot of friends, but the truth is i really don't, especially compared to others on this site hugely because of these aforementioned trust issues, but also because i am incredibly fucking bizarre, unsubstantial, and unnerving as a person. i often don't contribute much value to discussions (and oftentimes my words are understandably criticized if not left alone), i annunciate and word myself abysmally, and everything i do is riddled with flaws and imperfection (as proven by how others talk and respond to me). relative to others, i view a lot of people with crippling envy, especially since there's typically such a strong metric to compare myself with. a lot of people who are incredibly prosperous and talented start in the exact same place as me; when you've seen tens of people start with you or even after you, and then do everything you do but a million times better with a lot more bang for their buck, it's pretty fucking easy to think that the issue is something to do with you and your competence. my voice is only really heard because i force it to be heard; people have expressed time and time again in my past that they could go without it. maybe that could be seen as a positive trait, but when you're so used to people scrutinizing you, it's hard to view that as genuine initiative. honestly i question my worth and usefulness way more than i realistically should.

i wish i were a regular normal person, i wish i wasn't a complete fucking weirdo, i wish i brought something of value to the table, i wish i was actually smart and competent. it's very often i experience imposter's syndrome. everyone around me is so incredibly smart, well-worded, grounded, and talented; and compared to that, what exactly do i bring to the table? if i bring anything at all, is it really anything substantial, meaningful, and/or impactful in any way? does my presence do anything other than make people uncomfortable, self-conscious, or creeped out? i know i've hurt so many people in the past, and i know i still do to this day without realizing it. what does all of this, any of this, say about me as a person if it happens time and time again?

the reason i may have dedicated so much time to smogon today may be because of reasons i'd prefer to keep to myself, but i know a huge reason i am so dedicated is because i want to advocate and support this community. even if i know i'm not as smart, wise, or as capable as others that i've had the honor of working with and talking to, i want to do everything in my power to make everyone in this community feel loved, cared for, and important in their own beautiful way. maybe that's naive, maybe i'm too ambitious, but i dont want anybody to feel the way i feel to this day and will likely continue to feel for a good while. i want you to succeed, reader, and everyone else here to as well. i know my purpose here, but it's sometimes hard to come to terms with when it's not as glamorous, flashy, or even as impactful as those you've grown with, and are so conditioned to the concept of worth being tied to positive reception and tangible reward. i'll figure it out someday, i suppose.

thanks for reading.
I was not planning on responding again to someone here, but I read your post and wanted to say something. I disagree with you saying that your work is bad and don’t add any value. I didn’t read every post you wrote, but all the ones I read were super good (and I only judge what you did on Smogon here as that's the only thing I can judge). Like I still remember this post you made in the SS OU Cores after WCoP and it was one the best posts I read in the whole OU Forum since I’m here. You talked about how you compare yourself to other people, I don’t think it’s a good thing because it’s so easy to see all the qualities other people have and we don’t have, but this doesn’t mean that what you do is bad or that you are worthless. I remember that the first one of your posts I read was your opinion in Cinderace suspect thread, where I also posted mine and I was like, damn their post is way better than mine, I should try to improve my writings. I think you should just ignore criticisms that aim at making you feel that you’re bad and take the justified and constructive criticisms as a way to improve, but without thinking that what you did was bad, and that you’re bad because of that. Of course, there will be flaws, no one does perfect stuff and that’s not a big deal as long as you are motivated to get better. Even if you think that you’re not the best contributor, it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve your positions. We need people motivated to contribute and able to motivate others to do so, and you are one of these people. You said it yourself, you are extremely dedicated to this community and I completely agree with that. I know it’s hard to see your own qualities, so to help you see your own value I’ll tell you my opinion: you are a super good contributor, and we need people like you.

On another note, neuroscience seems to be a super interesting field to study, good luck with college. Take care!

Also, I wish you good luck in your fight against clinical depression to you and to SpacialRendevous (and to all of you who suffer from it), it won't be an easy fight but you have to stay strong, I really wish you'll manage to feel better!
 

kolohe

air supply
is a Top Artistis a Forum Moderatoris a Community Contributor
tw suicide
my bad if this comes off as much more vent-y than it should be, or if it seems like less of a depression post. its been tough

weeks ago i tried to kill myself. took a handful of my strongest anti depressants because a quick google search said it could be fatal. it was the scariest days of my life- i had overdosed but by barely not enough. my mom was right in telling me that id be okay, but every waking moment for days i felt like i was in the process of dying. looking straight in the face of those terrible feelings and letting them win was awful. i couldn’t really see a doctor or anything, so i was (hopefully understandably) making myself even more anxious. i felt so regretful and sorry to everyone i had met in those days. i didnt regret the action though, and if i wasnt scared of the pain i would try it again

after recovering from my attempt (barely) my parents and i had a talk about me needing a job bc of financial struggle so i started my search and got one- but, weirdly enough, i dont feel any better. they said it would help both me and them for me to work but… im not feeling better. i guess its a victory in its own way because its money, but i fucking hate money lol

as pathetic and dumb and edgy as it sounds, im terrified of what i can do to myself. i tried therapy and hated it, i tried anti depressants (many times) and they barely work as high as my dosage goes. these arent really problems you all can fix- but i needed a place to scream into the void. hope this was cohesive for anyone who reads

have a wonderful day, everyone. i don’t see a light at the end of my tunnel right now but there’s always gonna be one if u keep goin
 

lighthouses

Inordinary
is a Tiering Contributor
adem please do not feel like you are burdening people with this (by reading your post) any person who has some form of a mental health issue should ALWAYS reach out or at least talk to someone; whether it is through phone or just you typing and someone else listening. Relationships is a bit complicated for me as I never had one before but I am very sorry and my thoughts are with you friend but you are still so young and have so much to give please do not short yourself. We all (even myself right now) face different bumps throughout the course of our lives. College; I am still uncertain of what I want to do with my life and in someways, it leaves me depressed and lonely to see how my friends are all moving forward and making strong strides—like I am still treading water. But there is always one to two things that help keep me sane; first, View attachment 385867this cute little thing uwu and second is my family; both are everything to me. Many of my friends' I have grown up with I barely talk to except one who is serving the United States in the U.S. Coast Guard Semper Paratus. Please do not hesitate to bump my DM/PMs. :blobnom:
Ive actually came to this thread with the intention of complaining about how fucked things are for me once again but then i saw dog
 
Well, I dont know if it is under the tone but i gotta tell how i "defeated" my life long depression, Ik most of my friends in smogon knows this to some point but they never got the full story, so i decided to share, OK when i were a teenager i used to play basketball good enough to be a legit prospect and had serious shot to make into the pros, it was not an undestatement at the time you can say my life was all around basketball, until a really hard Foot fracture happened so i rehabbed to comeback and once i cameback i had a Tore ACL which made me retire early from the game as i wouldnt recover of 2 major injuries and play Bball to a high enough level to guarantee your paycheck, so it was when it all started, i lost my whole life at this point and started to pursue a Law degree.

With Law i got into politics and OK, I tryharded my way into good position as a lawyer involved with political parties and company law, the enviroment even tho it provided everything i have ever wished in my life, it is literally the worse you can live with so i adquired some vices(mostly alcohol and hiring prostitutes) and a really cold personality, in the meantime i had the death of a ton of family members and my political mentor died of covid, with all that, I started to ask myself if life was worth living.


Well after a long process and realizing woman, alcohol, drugs and money wont bring you any closer to beat this invisible monster, in fact you will only get sicker if you abuse stuff, I've since developed many diseases along the way and been fighting my way back to a quality life and its been the fight of a lifetime you cant cure diabetis and spondilitis with just a 2 months healthy lifestyle you know, ofc there are setback but yall gotta pursue what is worthy for you.

The Decision to fight depression is a brave one cause i feel you get so used to this that you kinda enjoy get depressed( it is weird but that is how it felt to me over the years), and them you starts to overcompensate in some places, i used to do it here online, when i feel comfortable to show the real me I was just desperated with my biggest fear of being left alone a sick man on a wheelchair.

In the end, sharing is part of the cure and searching for the cure even tho way harder than just being depressed is worth it, if yall want some tips that worked for me, well, 1. is knowing why you feel depressed and get away from places that makes you feel that way being a fullfilled been is way more important than any kind of "success" 2. You will need to put an effort but i lost the feeling of belonging to something when basketball was out of the equation, get that sense of belonging it is the best way to live life, 3. Build or enjoy your family, nothing is more valuable than a quality family unfortunally many people dont have access to a good family 4. Be in shape, every problem you does have get worse when your body get sicker, been 140kgs made my life that much worse and wheel chairs arent fun 5. Read the Bible(or the Torah, Alquoran whatever), even if you hate religious people the Bible can legit give you a sense of enlightment and a sense of being part of something important

Let the God that guided Moses throught the dessert for 40 years save your life and do your best, yall have a friend, I still fighting but if i can"win" i believe most of you can.
 

Dorron

BLU LOBSTAH
is a Top Social Media Contributoris a Community Contributoris a Tiering Contributoris a Top Contributoris a Smogon Media Contributoris a Site Content Manager Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a defending World Cup of Pokemon Champion
I never thought I would ever post here, but anyways, this took me 4 hours because I couldn't find the words

changed a few words that might probably confuse people when reading. For those who already read it, I am not gay, I just wanted to say that it is totally okay to be gay, but the words "someone spread a rumour that I was gay, which is totally right (meaning ok)" might have confused you.

I think I sțarted to feel like this back when I was 12. I started high school with the sameclassmates as I had ever had, butthere was something different. Everybody had changed a lot. I had a few friends before then (3, 4?), not a lot as I have always been introvert in real life and that's not rlly good for making friends, but after that summer they were acting like we had never met before. Even my best friend, who I used to spend a lot of time with talking about our things including Pokemon and was the person I used to trust in more, started to behave as if I were just another person in his life. The only moment I could talk to anybody without being ignored or answered with things like "Yes" or "I don't know" to end the conversation was during the rest time, when the whole class would be playing football, but I never got to feel comfortable with that, as I am very clumsy in general and football wasn't the exception. If they couldn't play football for any reason, they would use their phones to play or chat and I would get totally ignored. This year was also very tough for me as I was accused to share some controversial photos in social networks, which couldn't be possible as I had no way to receive it (they said I received them in WhatsApp but I didn't have a mobile phone until next summer). This lead to people not trusting in me at all for a long time. This also was the first year in which I both failed an exam and a subject. I used to be the student who didn't need to study to get a high note before that, and my sister was doing much better than me in third year and my parents were brilliant students too, so I got shouted and compared a lot at home, including the likes off why I couldn't be like them and the other good students of my class. Fortunately, I got good marks afterwards, but the comparisons are still common nowadays. They also used to mention how I never met with friends unlike my sister who used to hang out with her friends a lot. The rest of the year was just being bored, playing football with people who didn't like me and hoping I would meet new people.

That summer I didn't do anything exciting at all besides playing videogames (I had no friends to play with) and watching F1. I didn't have a mobile phone until the end of summer and my whole class did, so I didn't know anything about them until the new school year. This year I thought it would be different, and it really was, but not the way I expected.

When classes started, I was placed next to a girl I had some confidence with, which was the best to happen honestly. A classmate was being kind without needing anything from me. I hadn't felt that for two years. Unfortunately it didn't last so long as she was told to sit at the other corner of the class after a few weeks. The rest of the class was exactly the same as the previous year, except that there were some new people, including two guys who had to repeat year. They weren't nice at all, and they used to laugh at me. They also were known because of being violent with whoever tried to tell the teachers anything, and my nonexistent self-confidence and awful physical abilites didn't help at all. The rest of the class was very scared or didn't worry about me enough to help so the rest of the year was a hell when I was at school. I again failed subjects, this time twice, one in the first term and another in the second, and my parents words were just making it worse. This was the time when I started to cry in silence at nights sometimes. I didn't want to go to school at all, the simple idea made me feel sick.
Then, after a few weeks in hospital, my grandmother passed. I got totally nuked mentally, I couldn't believe it and seing my family that sad just made it worse for me. I just wanted to lie in bed for days. This happened in the exams week so I had to study, which was almost impossible for me and resulted in failing.
After a few weeks, my neighbour invited her friends to our neighbourhood to play paddle tennis, who were from my class, and asked me to play with them. After that day I was added to their WhatsApp chat. I couldn't believe I had friends. But it didn't last that much, as in summer they made another chat without me and I didn't know why. I felt terribly bad. Why did they leave without saying a word? What had I done bad? A lot of things in my head.

The beginning of the third year was very frustrating for me. First, I had courage to ask that people why I was left alone. The answer? "They didn't", and they refused to keep talking about it. Also, as I used to talk more to girls than boys as I feel more comfortable with them (I was confirmed this was the reason), someone thought it was a good idea to spread a romour that I was gay, which is totally normal, but the people of my year were totally homophobic at that age, something that fortunately is over. This lead to me being disliked by more people than I would have ever liked. As a result of this and other events, I was totally alone again and started to feel more and more depressed and lonely. I didn't want to do anything, not even eating or sleeping. I started to cry at nights every day. I felt like nobody liked me. In any of the ways. I wondered why some people were just lucky and popular or had eases making friends. I was starting to have suicidal thoughts. I almost searched on the Internet the best ways to proceed. I really considered it as a good option for a long time. I don't remember what stopped me, but it worked. I sometimes have flashes of those thoughts nowadays, though, but the intention isn't there so I guess it's okay.

Fourth year. By this moment, I had been hearing my classmates talk about their plans and the things they had been doing after school for the previous four years. I still couldn't figure out why I couldn't be like them, I just wanted real friends.
Another big event here is that my mother contracted cancer, which didn't help at all to my mental health (she is totally fine nowadays).
My brain was about to explode, and the suicidal thoughts hadn't left a year later. My marks seemed to be pretty low at the end of that year. After doing a bad exam, I couldn't hold on anymore. I collapsed, started crying and left the class to go to the bathroom to relax, with the class being aware of me not being ok. (The previous year I had made a friend, a guy who had to repeat third year, but he was totally different from the other two. He was very kind and we shared a lot of things, but I didn't fit at all in his group of friends.) That friend would eventually appear and talk with me. After that, I had to explain my teacher the situation and context, so now my class was somehow "obblied" to be my friend, which literally didn't last more than that summer (this happened in May), resulting again in being depressed and having suicidal thoughts.

These last two years at school have been much better than the previous four, but I still feel depressed in other way. I've found some people I am more or less comfortable with, but they had a big argument lastly and one of them literally said "I am glad I won't ever talk to people like you again", and the group is very unstable right now. It might even disappear in a few weeks and go back to having no friends. Also the pandemic didn't allow me to meet them better; they already were friends and I joined the group, so they really didn't have trouble with that thing in particular, but I am very shy when meeting new people and I had finally decided to try to open more to people, but I guess world said it wasn't a good moment. This had also been the year I had been going to the gym and I was taking part in my school's musical, I had bought everything and practising for months, but whenever I think I am doing well, something comes and fucks everything.

About what I feel right now. I don't want to do anything. Literally anything. It isn't because I don't want to exist or anything. It is just that nothing is fun or appealing for me right now. Not reading, playing videogames, and the thousands of hours I spend in Showdown the last three years have been totally useless for my objective, which was getting better at the game at least a bit, and I feel like I play worse and worse each day. I've been feeling like this for almost two years, and I don't know how long it will last. Also I couldn't go to the university I wanted and I will probably spend a year in another city, something I really hate. I sometimes have flashes of those four years and wonder why all that had to happen, start crying and proceed to hate myself.
I still feel very dependent of my parents and I am theroretically an adult, but don't feel as one.

I know this might not be very appealing to read due to my limited English, but I like and had to open up. This has been taking over me for years and I felt I needed to vent. Thanks for reading and have a good day.
Ok so 5 months have passed since this. First of all, thank you everyone who supported / has been supporting / been nice with me. You rlly gave me a big moral push (idk if this is a positive expression in English. In case it isn't, think it as if it was) which has helped me a lot to avoid undesired thoughts.

I'm back here but with good news.

Life's been much better for me since my post. I had great holidays with some friends and family and studied English a lot, which made me pass the B2 Certificate Exam I took with 183/190 (which means I have a C1 lvl for those who understand) and really made me feel well with myself. I started university, and even though I thought I would like it as much as school (not much), I am loving it. I am learning things I've always been fascinated of, like maths, coding and physics, I've learnt (learn? Idk) to have an at least decent sleep time (from 3 to 6/7 hours, not much more I can do when waking up at 6:30), and most important, I've made a lot of new friends. At first it scared me a bit as it has also happened to me to have friends but they would never want to hang out with me, but I've already! They're incredible people I hope I never lose contact with. They have accepted me as the person I am with my peculiarities. This has given me a trust raise I really needed and has made me be much more healthier mentally. Music has really helped me a lot aswell; learning old songs I've always loved and singing them although not being the best at it, like I Want You Back, really gives me a boost whenever I need it. It makes me feel like I control the world.

I know I suck at good words and that it will sound a bit cliche, I know, I've been in your position, but there's hope for all of you who are having a bad time. Try to find something basic like singing for me that you can do without much effort. Most of you will have an age which will allow you to move and do a lot of things. Do it. Try new experiences or go back to old ones. A new friend I made at university made me go back to reading books, sth I last had done before the beginning of my mental problems, and I really love her for convincing me to do so. I didn't remember how much I loved it and she suggested me a ton of books my sister has at home so I can read them.

Even with all this, I sometimes don't feel myself at my 100% and wonder a lot of things, but I guess it is normal after being like that for several years, and it is becoming less common the more the time passes. Anyways, as one of the new songs I've learnt, show must go on!

Once again, sry for my not perfect English (I would really love it if you told me my mistakes in my PMs, especially those between In On At and other linking words), thank you for reading and have a great day!
 
I've been diagnosed with depression for years now and in the past I was able to distract myself from depressive episodes by playing video games. However, these days it's increasingly rare when that works. In single player games I increasingly feel bored and too unmotivated to accomplish anything, and often I'm not even interested in playing to begin with. I'll just end up staring at my phone or something instead. Multiplayer is even worse.

For example, every time I play on the showdown ladder, I get frustrated that I'm faced with more or less unwinnable matchups. So I'm inclined to be bitter about the state of the meta, but then I remember that tons of players consistently do better than me, so I start internalizing my failure. I'm a pretty competent player but it's really depressing to watch others consistently reach high ladder and get reqs for suspect tests only to brag about how easy it is. And they're being serious, it truly is that easy for them. I'm not one to compare myself to others, but in this case I'm reminded that I keep failing to reach my own potential, which I know is among higher ELO ratings. Same goes for stuff like smash bros. I'll feel like I'm starting to improve, then I immediately get beaten into the ground and lose all motivation, and regret trying in the first place. My brain knee-jerk reacts with "I want to kill myself" with every setback.

The problem, on a more broad scale, is that the "opportunity cost" in most aspects of my life is too great. I struggle to feel any positive emotions, regardless of success, so over the years I've been struggling more and more to be a functioning person. My subconscious is basically asking "Why bother putting in effort to achieve things when achievement doesn't make you happy?". This isn't limited to major goals. I rarely feel better after maintaining my diet, hygiene, or exercise, or by spending time with friends. I even graduated college this year and I barely feel anything, aside from relief of some stress. And that's not a positive emotion, just the partial absence of a negative one.

I have no intention to harm myself but I am increasingly unsure of how I can go on living like this. Many aspects of my life are dismal and I struggle to derive any happiness from the aspects that are decent. I would like nothing more than to donate my life to someone who needs it, to trade places with a dying person who wants to live so that both of us could be rid of our pain. Every night I hope I'll die in my sleep, and every morning I'm disappointed.

Does anyone have advice on how I can improve? I want to function and I want to be happy, but I don't know how. I'm on medication and that helps somewhat, and also keeps me mentally stable, but I don't know what else I can do.

edit: my dog makes me happy he is the best boy and tomorrow (Dec. 8) is his birthday, here he is, idk how to turn the picture

E0F90B9E-C757-48F3-A3A3-E30DCA884B12.jpeg
 
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Max. Optimizer

free to be the greatest
is a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Discord Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
Katy

Don't do anything hastily.
I didn't want to waste any time:

Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 08001810771
https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

I won't be preachy and pretend to know it all, but I can't just sit there and do nothing.

You don't need to be an instagram model in order to attract a genuinely good guy.
These people are really fake and more often than not narcissistic, only capable of loving themselves.
You're nothing like that and you shouldn't compare yourself to these people.
As for the tiny little kid, you might be able to do something good for a kid in the future by adopting it.
The feeling of family is a very powerful force that can even transcend blood relation.
There are still many options left that are worth trying.

Stay safe and healthy.
You deserve it, too.
 

Sephirona

t-t-t-tubearrific. (✿≖ᴗ≖) ・゚✧*:・゚✧
is a Top Artist Alumnus
Katy

Hey. I'm a stranger to you, and I can't really say or do much to help make your situation better. But I can tell you that to a truly honest, sincere, cool guy, your looks are not going to be the dealbreaker. It takes more than looks to sustain a relationship, and when looks fade, it will be the spark of one's personality that continues to shine. I can see that you are an earnest person who has gone through a lot of unfair struggles in your life but has a lot to offer. You're clearly a fantastic contributor here at Smogon! Depression can be something that is really hard to claw your way out of but please don't do anything to hurt yourself. You're always worth love and respect and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.
 

Light Sanctity

The Usurper
is a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Discord Contributor Alumnus
As for the tiny little kid, you might be able to do something good for a kid in the future by adopting it.
^ quoting above. Adoption is a truly wonderful experience and the amount of joy and happiness you could bring to a child can be life changing. I can say for certain that adoption is a fine way to "have" a child and that child would love you unconditionally; the reason why I know this is because I am one—of all things it brought me joy that someone out there wanted me and to love me with all their heart. To this day, I still think about my birth mom and I am sad I won't more than likely see here; just knowing I have someone where I am now that can love, support, and nurture me every step of the way makes me glad I am who I am. Hugs Katy.
 

roman

Banned deucer.
as I reflect on my most recent semester at uni, I honestly still just want to die. this was the first semester where many important aspects regarding my future career have come together and I have made strides in various areas of my personal life. it sucks, though, because it feels like I have hardly broken even. this semester I developed bulimia, experienced multiple panic attacks weekly (several on my worst days), fell out with two of my closest friends, and continued on with my (slightly improved x) ) depressive episodes, suicidal ideation, and social isolation. all for a 4.0 gpa and a step or two closer to a fancy shmancy job that could make my parents happy with me, I guess. which doesn't matter in the first place and probably won't ever even give me the validation I desperately want because rich white males start 50 rungs up the ladder, so who cares if I reach some arbitrary metric of success anyhow. it just makes me hopeless and miserable as ever to realize that I simply spent the last two months of my life barely making it to the weekend and then relying on drugs and an eating disorder to reset before doing it all over again

thanks for the safe space and anonymity, happy holidays everyone
 

Fishy

tits McGee (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)
Anyone else get heavily depressed during Winter? I'm already in a pretty crappy place with the potential OCD and all, but now I just feel...empty on top of that
it may sound like a miserable suggestion, but waking up a bit earlier in the day, even if you go back to sleep later, isn't a bad move to combat S.A.D!! the shorter days mean shorter amounts of sunlight, lack of warmth also signals us to recoil and seek shelter vs. thriving and having fun, to put it loosely lol

exercise, really just a little bit of cardio, will work wonders! put on as many layers as you can and go for a chilly-but-quickly-toasty walk in the mornings, or at some point during the sunlight hours.

i am lucky enough to currently live in sunny Los Angeles, but before that i lived in Seattle/WA for 3 years, the land of grey, but not always..... then and now i admit that i rely on those walks leading me to tasty treats, like a hot chocolate during the winter or an iced coffee during the warmer months. rewarding yourself for little bouts of body movement will do wonders for your brain feels :blobuwu:

edit: also, i believe the act of going out and establishing the Day part of your 24 hour cycle against the inevitable Evening part, or dark part of the day, is crucial for our psyches. this distinguishes a sea of cold gloomy days by the bright instances we decide to go out and find the light.
 
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Ren

i swore lips were made for lies
is a Top Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnus
Posting for a friend.

Thanks to the person posting this anonymously. I don't really want my name attached. Honestly, I'd prefer it if nobody read this but I did want it out in the public sphere.

It's no secret that the pandemic has affected a lot of us negatively, and for me it's definitely been a wild ride. A lot of feelings and things have come up that I thought I dealt with. I don't really feel comfortable going to my friends, either, not because they're bad but because they're too nice and they'll care too much and they'll worry and I don't wanna put that on them. I don't really know where to start. The flow will be off, so bear with me.

Growing up was rough. We had enough money to be comfortable, that wasn't the issue. It's just that my childhood was so... Strange? There was the normal slaps and stuff, but they'd also like, kick me and other uncommon stuff. I'm still trying to get over the psychological trauma. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared to do things for them, because I'm worried they won't be the correct things to do. They always tell me that I need to understand them well so that they don't have to ask for things to be done, but it feels like whenever I do something, it's wrong. And when they ask me to do something, they get pissed whenever I ask them stuff that'd help me do the task better. Whenever I don't do the right thing the exact way they want it, it's always my fault. My sibling lives a way better life, too, but my parents don't even try to hide the fact that they're the favorite child.

Even now, the difference between how I'm treated and how they're treated is stark, to say the least. My sibling gets so much love - and I'm happy for them - and then when my parents interact with me it's silence and veiled insults and passive aggressive comments about how I never eat enough but then making me feel guilty for eating food and for why? I guess it just really sucks being stuck with people who don't like you at all. They keep me around because their image would suffer if I wasn't around, but really, I don't matter to them. I'm also the one who keeps this family together because somehow, even after all this abuse and trauma and stuff I'm still the one who has to support everyone because I'm the oldest child at 21 and so I should have a 6 figure job now and a S/O and it's just so fucking funny to me that I have to keep everything together and hold my family together while they're kicking and screaming and shouting and throwing a temper tantrum where it just piles up to the point where it'd be easier to just run off into the unknown and Hell following me would be better than my parents following me.

That's not to say this pandemic has been all bad. I've done a lot of reflecting and figured out what I want to do with my life, and I feel like I've strengthened my relationships and stuff. The issue is that there's just so much from my past that keeps hurting me and I can tell it's affecting my behavior. Typically when I can tell this is happening, I retreat to avoid hurting my friends while I work through my own baggage. The issue is that this time, I'm stuck in a prison and I'm worried I may be giving myself a lifetime sentence if I withdraw. It's selfish, I know. It's selfish to put others in a position where they'd risk getting hurt because I couldn't keep up my mask. But it's hard, and I just want my friends to be happy, and typically they're happy so I don't even want to go to them because who am I to ruin their emotional state? And then they're there for me anyway but I don't actually want them to be there but they're still there and it's such a mess and so confusing. I don't understand people. I also can't like, tell whether some of them like me or not, because sometimes they'll just ignore me and I get they owe me nothing but it also just confuses me a ton. Maybe they're not in the headspace to deal with it, which is fine? Or maybe they just don't see it. I have a tendency to overcomplicate things, so I try not to make the worst of everything but it's still a possibility.

There's just so much trauma and this post doesn't even cover a majority of it. So much had happened in my life and I genuinely believe I was dealt such a horrible hand, and I've been trying to make the best of it for years but it's so incredibly difficult to stay positive and optimistic in this setting.

This has been an incredibly disorganized and incoherent mess and I'm sorry. This post honestly doesn't cover everything, but I wanted to put something out into the public sphere because... I'm not sure why. I don't want anyone to try and help me, because I know they can't and I know that if anyone is gonna help me, it's myself. The first thing that came to my mind when I thought of this wasn't really letting people know they aren't alone either, although that is something that kept me going. I guess the point of this post is to say that I'm a selfish prick who's jealous of the love their sibling gets, among many other things? God knows. I'm a horrible person deep down, but I guess I'm still sad so I'm releasing some of the baggage into the forums anyway even though I know so many of the things I feel are wrong.

It feels wrong to end this post on a bitter note, even though all the stuff I've said has been bitter, so I guess I'll conclude by saying that I've beaten this once before and I'll beat it again, no matter how tough it is. And after I do, I'm going to take this life and make it mine. Until then.
Going to come out and say that I'm the friend who asked for this to be posted.

I made a decision a long time ago that I'd never publicize what I went through until I was certain that I was going to be free from it. Well, we're here now, and I'm finally going to get this all off my chest because it's (relatively) soon going to be a thing of the past.

Tw: Death threats, attempted suicide, and other things
It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I was born fucked up. I was born into a situation where I had to not only regulate my own emotions, but regulate other people's as well (my mother and father, namely). Even when I was trying to get on their good side by doing chores, I had to make sure it wasn't at the wrong time. I didn't realize how messed up it was that I was scared to do nice things for them sometimes such as offer to make them tea, clean the house until I met friends who made it clear that that wasn't normal to be worried about doing nice things for them. There'd be the "normal" beatings, but there'd also be instances where they'd lock me in dark rooms, leave me outside in the winter until I was begging to be let in, kicking me down the stairs, etc. and they'd even go so far as to sometimes threaten to leave me if my grades weren't up to their standards (high 90s or bust, pretty much) and even sometimes threaten to kill themselves or me if I didn't do as they said. I can't count the amount of times I've stared a knife down or seen them point one towards themselves while I fought to pull it back.

As a child that was 9 or so, I attempted suicide more times than I can count. This came from nights where I just couldn't take it, so I'd try attempting it in various ways which I won't really talk about in this post because some of it is incredibly graphic and I'm not too keen on having this post deleted. It's also not really easy to stomach, so I won't be answering any PMs about this part. The sad part is that my parents cared less about losing their own child than they did about how it'd look on them if their child had ended up dying by suicide. They made this abundantly clear. I became used to having to hide my emotions along with any bruises at school. I have to hand it to them, they were really smart in where they hit me. They hit me in places where it wouldn't raise eyebrows if I covered them. As for hiding my emotions, that's something I'm a master of even today. I'm only recently learning how to be vulnerable, and it's still something I'm not super good at.

There's honestly so much I could talk about just about my parents, and this post doesn't really scratch the surface of years of trauma. And that's the thing - It can't. It's impossible for me to summarize what's over two straight decades of abuse from my parents into a few paragraphs. I wish this post was just about them, but the reality is that while they've contributed to my trauma in many ways, they aren't important enough or worth enough to be the only thing this post is about.

My attempts at romantic relationships were awful, too. Whenever I confessed to somebody that I found them attractive or something, I'd always end up getting bullied the next day over "you really thought you'd have chances with them? get real" and "they're the cutest person in our grade, what are you?" which worked wonders for my self-esteem, I have to say. Definitely recommend it if you ever wanna grow up with absolutely no semblance of self-worth whatsoever. And whenever I did have somebody who was interested in me, they always ended up super messed up (I had a crazy stalker for a bit in high school and somebody else who felt like a wish.com version of that). It was... pretty bad? I don't really want to go into either of those experiences, but if you're curious, you're always welcome to shoot me a PM.

School was messed up in itself as well. I'd always have a lot of bullies, and they were without fail the cool kids of the grade as well. I was never interested in the same things as they were because I always had a lot to deal with mentally day by day and the stuff they were into seemed incredibly shallow to me at the time. Nobody enjoys someone who's different in school, so as a result, I'd end up getting bullied a lot. The few "friends" I did make weren't incredible, either - At that age, you're always gunning for popularity, and when you're a reject, nobody wants to stay your friend when they have the opportunity to "move on up". I'd confide in said friends sometimes, and it'd almost always end up being something bullies harassed me with later on. One time, the bullies ganged up on me physically, and my parents just didn't care. I did have a few friends later in high school, though - I don't really want to discount them, they're very nice people on their own.

My family friends outside of school weren't really friends, they were fellow competitors in a game of life my parents had set up. As a result, I never really had any friends outside of school, and was consistently treated poorly by these people. I was lied about to make these people look better, be it by the people themselves or someone else. I've honestly lost track of what lies people have told about me, it's just ridiculous. There was also physical violence from some of these people, as well (I'm noticing a trend, I think it's because it's super easy to pick on a kid when he's alone).

It's a bit of an abrupt place to end, but I'm well aware that no matter how much I write, I won't cover nearly everything. There's gonna be stuff here that I haven't told anyone, and a LOT of stuff that I've left out. This (mostly) isn't intentional - There's just so much I've gone through that it's impossible to put it all down on a single post. The stuff that is left out on purpose is for good reason - It's incredibly triggering, graphic or something else that probably shouldn't be posted on a site minors frequent.
Now for the good part, and the reason I'm posting this.

A little earlier than next year, I'm going to be free from these people that have made me feel like I'm worth nothing and provided me with more than enough trauma to last me a lifetime. I'll be in a completely different continent and they'll have very little way to contact me. It'll be on my terms, not theirs, and I don't plan on keeping them around. They've done enough. I've managed to save enough money and make enough happen to where even after I come back from exchange, I'll still be moved out and they won't have any idea as to where I am unless I tell them. I plan on attempting to reconcile with my family and select others after I feel enough time has passed for them to learn their lesson, but not before that. I'll still look after my sister, but I don't owe my biological parents anything. Thanks for listening - I'm well aware that some people won't approve of the way I'm handling this, but I'm done living for other people. I'm posting this because I wanted to celebrate a personal win, not because I'm going through something. I wanted to try and give people hope by telling my own story. I'm aware that others have it worse, and every situation isn't easy to get out of. Mine was not, either. I tried, and I succeeded - and I was super lucky to do so. You can be lucky, too, but only if you go for it. It's not always just one person, and there's no guarantee that whatever caused you to suffer from this demon is gonna be human, either. But you can beat it.

And even if the world doesn't believe in you to win your war, I will. I swear it. Thanks for reading.
 

sanguine

friendly fire
is a Tiering Contributor

"Yeah, well, this a mad world, it made me crazy
Might just turn around, do one-eighty"


As I write this, I am quickly approaching the two month anniversary of my suicide attempt.

I guess I wanted to take some time to reflect on that event and everything that ensued, and figured now was a good a time as any.

As for why I did it, there are a multitude of reasons. My home situation was rapidly deteriorating, the SSRI I was taking literally has a black box warning for making people suicidal, my ADHD makes me ultra impulsive. All of these things were predispositive factors, but they don't tell the full story. In the moment, I just had enough of all the bullshit thrown at me, all the ceaseless scratching and clawing for something even resembling happiness, all of the botttomless valleys that comprised good portions of my life. I figured it wasn't gonna get better any time soon, and so after saying my goodbyes I just went for it. I was gambling that the next life would be better than this one, and downed the 15 or so antidepressants I had left. I only got help because I sent a spiteful text to my mother.

After a two week hospital stay, mostly consisting of repeating some watered down, more tolerable version of the above, and sitting in my bed cursing myself for not succeeding, I went to a psych ward.

There, I made some good friends, went to a lot of therapy, and changed my medication regime to be more accurate to my needs twice.

After a week and a half there, I flew down across the state to do live in therapy treatment for three weeks. I made one more good friend, went to even more therapy, and changed my meds again.

Then, I got into a transitional living program. The plan was to stay there and work my ass off at some minimum wage job to make my subsistence. I got the job, went to yet more therapy, and was anxious yet excited at the same time to be in full control despite the low ceiling of living like this.

But my Dad decided to come into my life suddenly and offered me a place to stay while I went back to college. I jumped at the opportunity, knowing that the field of my dreams was likely gatekept behind a degree. And so I packed my bags once more and got driven across the state to live with him.

It's been rough at points, but better than where I was previously.

As for how I'm feeling currently?

It's complicated.

I still don't feel whole. I don't know if I ever will. I've been cut deeper than the eye can see, emotionally speaking, and self-actualization is far harder than the silver screen would have you believe. I still have my lows, I still have negative self talk, I still am pretty noncommittal to accepting praise from people I know mean nothing but the best for me. I don't know if any of the things I'm planning on will actually come to fruition. I don't really even know if I'm doing the right things. I don't even really know if what I know / don't know are correct, if that makes any sense.

But despite it all, I'm alive, and cautiously optimistic for what the future has in store.

I know that's something, at least.
 
Does anybody here have OCD? my mental state has been in shambles since June because of intrusive thoughts, and after doing research in 90% sure I might have OCD considering how much it lines up with not only my current issues, but stuff that happened in the past, even as recent as a few weeks before these major intrusive thoughts began
Hi Chadlad50, I have OCD and this is my fourth year now of knowing I have it. It wouldn't be proper for me to diagnose you, but from what I'm seeing in your posts, I will say that your symptoms line up very closely with OCD. That said, see a professional to get a proper diagnosis - I cannot emphasize this enough. Knowing what you are dealing with makes it much easier to deal with.

As far as my own experience goes, to say it's been anything short of a struggle would be a lie; I've hit some incredibly low points while dealing with it. The things OCD can cause you to worry about can be so scary you don't dare to say them out loud or even type them (and from reading your posts, I suspect you have had some of these thoughts), but I'm going to tell you something that helped me more than just about anything else - you are not alone here. There are other people who have been where you are, had those same terrifying thoughts (I think you know the ones I mean), have struggled through and with them, and still came out the other side and manage to live their lives, even when those thoughts come back sometimes. I'm going to give you some resources that have helped me immensely in my experience with OCD, but I also want to emphasize the absolute most important thing is to see a therapist who specializes in OCD treatment and has previous experience treating people with OCD. Part of my struggle was not even realizing I had OCD at first - the first therapist I saw didn't recognize it, and I actually found out about OCD symptoms on my own (as we people with OCD tend to do way too much research online :psywoke:), and it wasn't until my third therapist that I found someone who matched that description (and she has been an absolute angel, and more understanding of me and what I had experienced and continue to experience than I thought anyone ever could be).

All that being said, here are the resources I would like to share with you to help you with OCD that have helped me in the past:
  • The Wikipedia page on OCD. Yep. You've probably already read some of it, but as I said, you will want to know what you are dealing with here. You can take some comfort in identifying what you have and from there learning how it works.
  • The International OCD Foundation's website. You will get a ton of good info on OCD here, and this website talks about OCD in a very honest manner. In particular, I recommend reading about the Subtypes of OCD under the purple Learn More About OCD heading.
  • Chrissy Hodges' YouTube channel. Chrissy is an advocate for OCD awarenesss and has OCD herself. She talks about all sorts of topics related to OCD and speaks about them in an extremely honest and refreshing manner - no nonsese here, even around the really difficult topics to speak about. She is incredibly brave and inspiring.
  • The OCD Stories podcast by Stuart Ralph. Stuart interviews people living with OCD, OCD researchers, OCD awareness advocates, etc., and it can be very comforting to hear stories from people who live with their OCD, knowing you can do it too. You will also get great advice on different strategies and techniques you can use to help with intrusive thoughts.
  • Tim Desmond's Guided Meditations for Self-Compassion from The Self-Compassion Skills Workbook. Tim Desmond has written an excellent book on self-compassion, one of the biggest pieces in dealing with OCD thoughts (I recommend buying it), and has even been kind enough to provide all of his audio-led guided meditations online. When I was in the depths of my OCD struggles, I did these every day (I really should still be doing them all the time, despite doing much better now), and they were absolutely pivotal for me in improving my mental state. One of the keys to living with OCD, as you will learn, is living with your thoughts and accepting them (as just thoughts, and not indicators of who you are), and this book is tremendously helpful with that. Accepting your thoughts brings your mind peace.
  • Other guided meditations - you can find these in several places like Headspace (great, but very expensive beyond the free trial) and other apps. My favourite place to get them however is on YouTube (they're free this way!) - just look up "mindfulness meditation" and you will find plenty of them.
  • The HealthUnlocked forums. People use these to talk openly (and anonymously, if you like) about their mental health and what they have been dealing with (often very honestly).
Beyond these resources, there are quite a few things you can do to help with OCD right now:
  • Take care of yourself. This goes with the self-compassion I mentioned earlier - taking care of yourself and loving you for who you are (and exactly as you are) will go a long way. This means many things:
    • Exercise regularly, however you like best. This might be a sport, swimming, running, walking your dog, walking on your own, biking, working out, or anything else that gets your body moving. I recommend listening to a podcast while you do it!
    • Eat well, but don't be harsh on yourself if sometimes you "cheat" and eat some junk food. Just do your best.
    • Drink water!
    • Shower!
    • Brush your teeth and floss - dentists are expensive!
    • Take your medication, if you have any.
    • Keep a regular sleep schedule.
  • Get your thoughts out of your head in a way that is safe and comfortable for you. This could be talking with a person you trust, typing it on the computer, saying them out loud to yourself while alone, or writing them on paper (that you can chose to dispose of/burn later) - I've done all of these. It really does help to get them out of your head every once in a while.
  • Do things that make you happy. You will know what these are.
  • Be patient with yourself. It's OK if you're confused, lost, frustrated, tired, angry, sad, or anything else. OCD is a really complex thing - it will take time to figure out how you deal with it best. Even if you mess up along the way, you can always do better.
I think that's everything - if I remember more, I will add it later. I wish you peace of mind and acceptance of yourself :psyglad: Feel free to DM me if you would like to chat about OCD at all.
 
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Fishy

tits McGee (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)
Going to come out and say that I'm the friend who asked for this to be posted.

I made a decision a long time ago that I'd never publicize what I went through until I was certain that I was going to be free from it. Well, we're here now, and I'm finally going to get this all off my chest because it's (relatively) soon going to be a thing of the past.

Tw: Death threats, attempted suicide, and other things
It wouldn't be a stretch to say that I was born fucked up. I was born into a situation where I had to not only regulate my own emotions, but regulate other people's as well (my mother and father, namely). Even when I was trying to get on their good side by doing chores, I had to make sure it wasn't at the wrong time. I didn't realize how messed up it was that I was scared to do nice things for them sometimes such as offer to make them tea, clean the house until I met friends who made it clear that that wasn't normal to be worried about doing nice things for them. There'd be the "normal" beatings, but there'd also be instances where they'd lock me in dark rooms, leave me outside in the winter until I was begging to be let in, kicking me down the stairs, etc. and they'd even go so far as to sometimes threaten to leave me if my grades weren't up to their standards (high 90s or bust, pretty much) and even sometimes threaten to kill themselves or me if I didn't do as they said. I can't count the amount of times I've stared a knife down or seen them point one towards themselves while I fought to pull it back.

As a child that was 9 or so, I attempted suicide more times than I can count. This came from nights where I just couldn't take it, so I'd try attempting it in various ways which I won't really talk about in this post because some of it is incredibly graphic and I'm not too keen on having this post deleted. It's also not really easy to stomach, so I won't be answering any PMs about this part. The sad part is that my parents cared less about losing their own child than they did about how it'd look on them if their child had ended up dying by suicide. They made this abundantly clear. I became used to having to hide my emotions along with any bruises at school. I have to hand it to them, they were really smart in where they hit me. They hit me in places where it wouldn't raise eyebrows if I covered them. As for hiding my emotions, that's something I'm a master of even today. I'm only recently learning how to be vulnerable, and it's still something I'm not super good at.

There's honestly so much I could talk about just about my parents, and this post doesn't really scratch the surface of years of trauma. And that's the thing - It can't. It's impossible for me to summarize what's over two straight decades of abuse from my parents into a few paragraphs. I wish this post was just about them, but the reality is that while they've contributed to my trauma in many ways, they aren't important enough or worth enough to be the only thing this post is about.

My attempts at romantic relationships were awful, too. Whenever I confessed to somebody that I found them attractive or something, I'd always end up getting bullied the next day over "you really thought you'd have chances with them? get real" and "they're the cutest person in our grade, what are you?" which worked wonders for my self-esteem, I have to say. Definitely recommend it if you ever wanna grow up with absolutely no semblance of self-worth whatsoever. And whenever I did have somebody who was interested in me, they always ended up super messed up (I had a crazy stalker for a bit in high school and somebody else who felt like a wish.com version of that). It was... pretty bad? I don't really want to go into either of those experiences, but if you're curious, you're always welcome to shoot me a PM.

School was messed up in itself as well. I'd always have a lot of bullies, and they were without fail the cool kids of the grade as well. I was never interested in the same things as they were because I always had a lot to deal with mentally day by day and the stuff they were into seemed incredibly shallow to me at the time. Nobody enjoys someone who's different in school, so as a result, I'd end up getting bullied a lot. The few "friends" I did make weren't incredible, either - At that age, you're always gunning for popularity, and when you're a reject, nobody wants to stay your friend when they have the opportunity to "move on up". I'd confide in said friends sometimes, and it'd almost always end up being something bullies harassed me with later on. One time, the bullies ganged up on me physically, and my parents just didn't care. I did have a few friends later in high school, though - I don't really want to discount them, they're very nice people on their own.

My family friends outside of school weren't really friends, they were fellow competitors in a game of life my parents had set up. As a result, I never really had any friends outside of school, and was consistently treated poorly by these people. I was lied about to make these people look better, be it by the people themselves or someone else. I've honestly lost track of what lies people have told about me, it's just ridiculous. There was also physical violence from some of these people, as well (I'm noticing a trend, I think it's because it's super easy to pick on a kid when he's alone).

It's a bit of an abrupt place to end, but I'm well aware that no matter how much I write, I won't cover nearly everything. There's gonna be stuff here that I haven't told anyone, and a LOT of stuff that I've left out. This (mostly) isn't intentional - There's just so much I've gone through that it's impossible to put it all down on a single post. The stuff that is left out on purpose is for good reason - It's incredibly triggering, graphic or something else that probably shouldn't be posted on a site minors frequent.
Now for the good part, and the reason I'm posting this.

A little earlier than next year, I'm going to be free from these people that have made me feel like I'm worth nothing and provided me with more than enough trauma to last me a lifetime. I'll be in a completely different continent and they'll have very little way to contact me. It'll be on my terms, not theirs, and I don't plan on keeping them around. They've done enough. I've managed to save enough money and make enough happen to where even after I come back from exchange, I'll still be moved out and they won't have any idea as to where I am unless I tell them. I plan on attempting to reconcile with my family and select others after I feel enough time has passed for them to learn their lesson, but not before that. I'll still look after my sister, but I don't owe my biological parents anything. Thanks for listening - I'm well aware that some people won't approve of the way I'm handling this, but I'm done living for other people. I'm posting this because I wanted to celebrate a personal win, not because I'm going through something. I wanted to try and give people hope by telling my own story. I'm aware that others have it worse, and every situation isn't easy to get out of. Mine was not, either. I tried, and I succeeded - and I was super lucky to do so. You can be lucky, too, but only if you go for it. It's not always just one person, and there's no guarantee that whatever caused you to suffer from this demon is gonna be human, either. But you can beat it.

And even if the world doesn't believe in you to win your war, I will. I swear it. Thanks for reading.
hi love, the line that resonated with me most is that you are "done living for other people" and i want to say GOOD!!! anyone who tries to make you feel bad about that is too cowardly to do it themselves. so much of life we cannot control, and we should never be deluded into thinking we can control other people. you get to control YOU, and being you means you get to live your life however youuuu want.
 
Hello everyone so the past day and a half has been really hard. I lost someone very near and dear to my heart. She wasn’t blood related but she was family she was like a second mother to me. She showed me kind people still exist. She was there for my family when no one else was. She isn’t my mom but I took up most of my personality after her. This lady was an angel it hurts me she is gone. Unfortunately she had a fatal stroke she passed at the age of 60. My heart is hurting even more then my dad passed because this person has such a massive impact on me. Healing will be a long journey and imagining my future without her is hard but I will take it a day at a time.
 
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I can imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment, I cannot imagine the full stuff you go through right now, but I can see it is very tough. I hope you find some distraction from her death. Maybe talking about her with your other loved ones in your family and keeping her in a good heart gives you strength! I think having all the beautiful, wonderful moments you two have spent together with such as the talks will help you to go through this tough time. Keeping a beloved family member in a good heart and remembering all the great moments you had can give you strength and power to go through this situation.

You have our open ears and open eyes. You are an incredible human being, and this is what she also will tell you, I am pretty sure! Never forget all the good times you had together and I am very certain this will give you strength!

My condolences and I am sorry to hear about the loss!

Just remember, we're there for you! :heart: *hugs*
Thank you katy this meant a lot to me <3
 
I have felt like such shit for so long. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. Pretty much every day of my life, I have horrible intrusive thoughts and delusional levels of paranoia about the people in my life. So many people have completely ruined my sense of trust. I feel demotivated as shit all the time. I feel embarrassed of myself as a person. I'm only getting older and I fucked up my only shot at college years ago and got screwed out of so much money. I've only ever worked shit retail jobs and that is probably all I'll ever do. None of my hobbies even make me happy anymore to make up for that. I really mean that, there is basically nothing that holds my interest enough to keep me happy and feeling like what I'm doing has a purpose. I'm just pointlessly living with absolutely no real goals or aspirations, and nothing distracts me or helps me escape. Every "guardian" that was ever in my life treated me like complete shit growing up. I'd rather not go too tremendously into detail about the specific sensitive moments of my life, but I've had to put up with so much trauma that I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to function like a normal person. I am not exaggerating when I say this, every second of every day, I am full of so much unbelievable anxiety it makes my head spin. I absolutely cannot relax, I am in a constant state of terror that just does not end. I just want to know what it feels like to be content and at peace. I just want to enjoy things again.
 
depression has took much of my life and i feel i have my spirit and inner drive tryna sync but i've hit my - how do you say... wall? of bad habits and KNOWING IT NEEDS TO CHANGE and DOING IT.

i dont do drugs (outside weed - which i mean, CMON..), i dont get angry for no reason; at most if i have too much idle time i get blah (and i work most the time so that is avoided, but it truly becomes "avoided" unintentionally than resolved) or drink - thats my vice.
That said, control is there but i will say even if the control of the drink is there if the day goes so left (edit* off the emotion side - cus I am emotional, admittedly) it will make ya seem i am high off saturn ring dust or sumn cus i am peaceful but triggers make me flip. Cus my brain just seen so much conflict I cant handle peace to conflict too quick anymore.

those two things tied (drinking + triggers) make a bad cocktail - and in recent times i been working, some success thankful to say, but of course progress to be made.

this is all depression fueled, stress/my anxiety, i hope with recent good news this will alleviate some, cus god knows my soul needs it.
God bless my progress will continue and I am happy for the bit I have seen, but jeez if sometimes if it isn't a chore to not be like to people:

"Excuse me, I'm working really hard and you're really messing up my Zen.. to put it nicely" LOL.
 

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