Social LGBTQIA+

[faint]

nah but for real, what is the actual reason for posting the second half of this post. I get that the mod talking about getting pegged is definitely not fit for the thread, but then you go out on an escapade attacking all the nice people talking about their LGBTQ+ experiences, coming out, finding out who they are, just because YOU don't feel comfortable discussing more important topics? I don't think anyone would mind more serious discussion, it's not going to derail the thread. Nobody actually cares if it's too "positive", and if you do, how about you just post anyways?! We are literally all a team here, we want the same goal of equality that you do. Its not gonna make people butthurt to discuss serious LGBTQ+ topics in the thread along with the more positive posts. Like, if you really think we can't lead a serious discussion here, then why even post lmao

not even gonna talk about the race/intersectionality talk, it's a wonderful topic to bring up but the way you put it is definitely too targetful and just trying to strawman your argument

tl;dr: nobody minds serious topics here, it's part of the thread's purpose, but also nobody, and I mean NOBODY, except yourself, minds the positive parts, they can coexist. (and if there are others who mind, how about you speak up instead of sitting there and letting this happen with one lousy post)

i believe you completely missed starry's point. their critique is that this thread almost entirely consists of very young and very white LGTBQ folk posting their two liner about their preferred pronouns that is completely devoid of any discussion. and when actual discussion is to be had, it gets shot down because shockingly all people in the LGTBQ community do not think the same. starry is not saying this thread needs to be devoid of happiness and "you're valid" posts but instead that there needs to be a healthy balance of actual discussion of LGTBQ topics. if you are so bent on identity being a continued topic of conversation in this thread then i personally do not understand how you see starry's take on race as a straw man, unless you truly think a gay white man has the same experience as a black trans woman. they're not saying you can't be white and participate in this conversation lol

unironically feel like you need someone to tell you "it's okay to be white"

 

[pokemonisfun]

piggybacking off of starry blanket 's post about whiteness and how concepts like "coming out" and "validity" aren't necessarily universal LGBTQ+ concepts nor the only valid goals, I wanted to share this toolkit from the National Black Justice Coalition about "inviting in" -- an alternative framework to coming out that decenters acceptance from mainstream / cishet society and gives the power to LGBTQ+ people to allow people to know about their identity on their own terms.

https://nbjc.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/INviting-In-Toolkit-web.pdf

if coming out is important to you -- that's great, and i'm glad for anyone who's felt validation or comfort or community from opening up about their identity or struggles on this thread. that said, I think it's super important to stress that being out doesn't NEED to be a goal. there are narratives and implications within the community that being "closeted" or not sharing every aspect of ones identity is akin to shame, a lack of authenticity, or some sort of growth or progress that needs to occur. none of that is true. you are under no obligation to tell anyone your sexuality or gender identity, and you are no less than or less worthy if you choose not to, aren't comfortable to, or if you're in a situation where it isn't safe for you to.

I say this as someone who is VERY publicly gay and gnc/nb (like, my livelihood and career revolves around it type beat). There are still members of my extended family who don't know i'm lgbt (not tryna get written out of any wills for no reason) -- I still code-switch every time I get into an Uber or order food or go to the dentist -- in an emergency situation with my boyfriend I've referred to him as my friend/roommate to avoid bias when he was being treated. None of that is wrong, or shameful, or indication that I'm ashamed of myself or my identity -- and it applies to all sorts of situations and identities in different ways. Visibility for the sake of visibility is a scam, and your safety is infinitely more important than representation.

I don't want this to come across as dissuading anyone from opening up or telling people they're close with if they feel it'd be important for their relationships or life -- but I do think it's important to recognize that "coming out" is, as starry blanket said, a framework that doesn't operate the same way across lines of race (especially), class, or other types of privilege, and I think it's important that we make sure to highlight and lift up experiences that might not align with the narratives we see a lot of in this thread. For anyone interested in reading more about this, here's another great article about how the experience and framework of "coming out" differs for white and nonwhite LGBTQ+ people - https://archermagazine.com.au/2017/07/culture-coming-out/

Thanks for starting this topic (or continuing - this thread is clearly too long for me to read all the posts but I've read everything since starry blanket's post).

I read the second article you linked by Sanchez (or perhaps Adan Sanchez, I don't know how Mexican last names work, my apologies, I don't know what the author's last name is).

I agree with your point and I'm grateful you made it, that coming out doesn't need to be a goal and isn't always good. It soothes me a little because it's a perspective I've never thought of that might have useful applications in my own life. You made the point that "coming out isn't always necessary" in the context that this thread might be going too far in representing white/cishet/male opinions; i.e., it's easier for white/cishet/males to come out, usually.

However, what do you think about these two points by Sanchez

• "As much as I feel empowered by my decision not to come out to my family, I acknowledge that part of it is rooted in fear. The fear of disownment and the loss of economic and emotional support hangs over this decision.
  As much as I’d like to say it’s a radical act to challenge the whiteness of coming out, it is also rooted in a very primal and humane fear: the loss of one’s parents."
• "In truth, it is our whitewashed politics that have failed us. They have failed us in their capacity to describe our lived experiences and they have failed, again and again, to encompass our diverse identities."

I think there's a clear contradiction here, or at least tension, in their argument. They're on the one hand seeming to blame Mexican culture for their troubles in coming out (Sanchez directly says Mexican culture doesn't give enough space to explore queerness). They then go on to conclude that it is the whiteness of the politics that is failing to give capacity to describe queer and diverse identities. I understand on some level Sanchez is saying that whiteness is suffocating a necessary wider perspective on coming out. But isn't there some blame on Mexican culture too?

What I'm saying probably has uncomfortable implications for queer critical theory, whatever that is, I'm saying, wouldn't it be better for people to adopt the "White" perspective on coming out? I don't want it to be difficult to come out and I'm very sad that it's so hard for me. I'm not saying I'd like to be White, I'm just saying that I generally agree with the dominant White culture on issues of coming out and if this issue was totally white-washed for everyone, this would be good. I'm saying it's the responsibility of many minority cultures' to change because on balance, I think there are more historical examples of successful cultural changes coming from within than being imposed.

PS: I understand that Mexicans can be considered White, but from a general American perspective, there's definitely a distinction to be made between White European ancestry and White (also potentially European) ancestry from Mexico. The main point anyways is a difference between White American culture and Mexican culture.

 

[Peary]

I haven't posted in a while but I'm starting to finally become super comfortable with my identity and sexuality. I've told a good chunk of my family that I'm bi and haven't received any backlash surprisingly, and have been able to casually tell most people about my sexuality. It's still not super easy to tell everyone that I'm genderfluid / non-binary, but I'm definitely making strides.
I read up and congrats to those who've gotten good news and felt better about themselves, and if you are struggling I hope things start looking up for you soon

 

[jonas]

hey. sorry to take away from the discussion here but i wanted to post an update.

first,
I came out to my close friends. It was really tough for me but, it was the right step and now I have seen a change in behavior from them, which makes me over the moon. Soon, I plan on coming out to my community. Im quite nervous that I will have a lot more backlash, but I'm taking it one step at a time, and can't backtrack now!

second

https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1406789809436119044

Gender is difficult. Not sure where I end up, but this feels like the right step for me right now. It makes me feel great, and that's what's right for me.

If anyone needs to talk, don't be afraid to reach out. I promise you more people care about you then you think.

 

[PokeTrainer16]

I didn't know there were so many fellow trans people here on Smogon lol! I'm non-binary, and I go by they/them pronouns. I'm bi too.

 

[NylaTheWolf]

So I know pride month is almost over and all but screw it, I recently found this thread and it made me really wanted to share what I've been feeling. I've been thinking about it a lot for a while and I'm still sort of questioning, but I'm pretty sure I'm asexual (or at the very least somewhere on the ace spectrum). And, while I'm especially questioning my gender, I think that I'm genderfluid/genderflux. I know that this all sounds a bit "special snowflake-y" but those are the labels that just feel... right to me. I'm still questioning and I can't stop obsessing over the idea that I'm just faking it or I just want to be special or something, but still. I just wanted to share this. I've been planning on it for about a week or two but I got really nervous. I'm still pretty nervous about it but yeah.

In short, I'm asexual and genderfluid/genderflux. Those are the labels that just feel right and make me happy. I still like she/her pronouns though, so you can still refer to me as such. I am thinking of experimenting with others though. Anyways, happy pride month y'all!

 

[Pedeath]

So I know pride month is almost over and all but screw it, I recently found this thread and it made me really wanted to share what I've been feeling. I've been thinking about it a lot for a while and I'm still sort of questioning, but I'm pretty sure I'm asexual (or at the very least somewhere on the ace spectrum). And, while I'm especially questioning my gender, I think that I'm genderfluid/genderflux. I know that this all sounds a bit "special snowflake-y" but those are the labels that just feel... right to me. I'm still questioning and I can't stop obsessing over the idea that I'm just faking it or I just want to be special or something, but still. I just wanted to share this. I've been planning on it for about a week or two but I got really nervous. I'm still pretty nervous about it but yeah.

In short, I'm asexual and genderfluid/genderflux. Those are the labels that just feel right and make me happy. I still like she/her pronouns though, so you can still refer to me as such. I am thinking of experimenting with others though. Anyways, happy pride month y'all!

Since you felt free to share it with us, it means that you are open to discuss it.

I don't know but, you might be young, so there's no hurry at all. It took me 7 years to accept me as a gay person.
And when I did, nothing was as hard as i though it would be.

Maybe it might be more difficult for assexuals because it is an orietation that suffers preconceptions even in the LGBT community.
But spend your time discussing it with yourself and don't worry about relationships

 

[KM]

Thanks for starting this topic (or continuing - this thread is clearly too long for me to read all the posts but I've read everything since starry blanket's post).

I read the second article you linked by Sanchez (or perhaps Adan Sanchez, I don't know how Mexican last names work, my apologies, I don't know what the author's last name is).

I agree with your point and I'm grateful you made it, that coming out doesn't need to be a goal and isn't always good. It soothes me a little because it's a perspective I've never thought of that might have useful applications in my own life. You made the point that "coming out isn't always necessary" in the context that this thread might be going too far in representing white/cishet/male opinions; i.e., it's easier for white/cishet/males to come out, usually.

However, what do you think about these two points by Sanchez

• "As much as I feel empowered by my decision not to come out to my family, I acknowledge that part of it is rooted in fear. The fear of disownment and the loss of economic and emotional support hangs over this decision.
  As much as I’d like to say it’s a radical act to challenge the whiteness of coming out, it is also rooted in a very primal and humane fear: the loss of one’s parents."
• "In truth, it is our whitewashed politics that have failed us. They have failed us in their capacity to describe our lived experiences and they have failed, again and again, to encompass our diverse identities."

I think there's a clear contradiction here, or at least tension, in their argument. They're on the one hand seeming to blame Mexican culture for their troubles in coming out (Sanchez directly says Mexican culture doesn't give enough space to explore queerness). They then go on to conclude that it is the whiteness of the politics that is failing to give capacity to describe queer and diverse identities. I understand on some level Sanchez is saying that whiteness is suffocating a necessary wider perspective on coming out. But isn't there some blame on Mexican culture too?

What I'm saying probably has uncomfortable implications for queer critical theory, whatever that is, I'm saying, wouldn't it be better for people to adopt the "White" perspective on coming out? I don't want it to be difficult to come out and I'm very sad that it's so hard for me. I'm not saying I'd like to be White, I'm just saying that I generally agree with the dominant White culture on issues of coming out and if this issue was totally white-washed for everyone, this would be good. I'm saying it's the responsibility of many minority cultures' to change because on balance, I think there are more historical examples of successful cultural changes coming from within than being imposed.

PS: I understand that Mexicans can be considered White, but from a general American perspective, there's definitely a distinction to be made between White European ancestry and White (also potentially European) ancestry from Mexico. The main point anyways is a difference between White American culture and Mexican culture.

first of all sorry for not answering this for a month i was thinking about it and then i forgot to keep thinking about it.

i don't want to speak for the author or to their experiences, and I can't speak to the specific cultural framework that they're coming from, but I imagine their response might be to note that a lot of gendered / heteronormative expectations within Mexican culture and Latinidad more generally are rooted in colonial (religious) ideals and didn't necessarily exist in the same capacity in precolonial Latin America. there's a wealth of critical literature out there exploring the origin of gender binaries and anti-gay stigma emerging directly out of judeo-christian ideology and religious colonialism / missionary work -- not just in the case of Mexico, but in most other colonized or formerly colonized communities as well.

that doesn't necessarily affect your wish that there wouldn't be cultural barriers to coming out -- whether or not they're imposed through colonialism or something else -- but I think it's important to make note of. that said, I think the point of concepts like "inviting in" or de-emphasizing the traditional narrative of coming out isn't to glorify or excuse the cultural difficulties that complicate the process, it's just to recognize that the /expectation/ placed on LGBTQ+ people to come out is unfair given the disparity in how different communities and cultures respond to it.

i think maybe a related concept in queer discourse we can tie this into is the idea of like, pronoun circles -- where in an effort to be inclusive, workplaces or schools would go around in a circle and have everyone say their pronouns. while well-meaning, it creates a situation where trans/gnc people are often either forced to out themselves or conversely to legitimize people's misgendering by misstating their own pronouns for their safety / comfort. an alternative system would be to provide space or means for people to voluntarily share their pronouns at their own comfort and on their own schedule -- whether that's privately giving employees the option to put their pronouns on a nametag, or a professor sending out an e-mail before the first day of class asking if anyone has a different preferred name / pronouns to the ones listed in the university system.

in many ways, the expectation of coming out fully as a necessary and universal part of the queer experience is much like pronoun circles -- it works for some people, but it puts many others in awkward situations where they're forced to choose between "authenticity" and "safety". the idea of de-emphasizing the importance of coming out doesn't mean throwing out the idea altogether, it just means adapting it or modifying it in a way that lets people take things at their own pace and disclose however much or little they want to as many or few people.

 

[Pedeath]

first of all sorry for not answering this for a month i was thinking about it and then i forgot to keep thinking about it.

i don't want to speak for the author or to their experiences, and I can't speak to the specific cultural framework that they're coming from, but I imagine their response might be to note that a lot of gendered / heteronormative expectations within Mexican culture and Latinidad more generally are rooted in colonial (religious) ideals and didn't necessarily exist in the same capacity in precolonial Latin America. there's a wealth of critical literature out there exploring the origin of gender binaries and anti-gay stigma emerging directly out of judeo-christian ideology and religious colonialism / missionary work -- not just in the case of Mexico, but in most other colonized or formerly colonized communities as well.

that doesn't necessarily affect your wish that there wouldn't be cultural barriers to coming out -- whether or not they're imposed through colonialism or something else -- but I think it's important to make note of. that said, I think the point of concepts like "inviting in" or de-emphasizing the traditional narrative of coming out isn't to glorify or excuse the cultural difficulties that complicate the process, it's just to recognize that the /expectation/ placed on LGBTQ+ people to come out is unfair given the disparity in how different communities and cultures respond to it.

i think maybe a related concept in queer discourse we can tie this into is the idea of like, pronoun circles -- where in an effort to be inclusive, workplaces or schools would go around in a circle and have everyone say their pronouns. while well-meaning, it creates a situation where trans/gnc people are often either forced to out themselves or conversely to legitimize people's misgendering by misstating their own pronouns for their safety / comfort. an alternative system would be to provide space or means for people to voluntarily share their pronouns at their own comfort and on their own schedule -- whether that's privately giving employees the option to put their pronouns on a nametag, or a professor sending out an e-mail before the first day of class asking if anyone has a different preferred name / pronouns to the ones listed in the university system.

in many ways, the expectation of coming out fully as a necessary and universal part of the queer experience is much like pronoun circles -- it works for some people, but it puts many others in awkward situations where they're forced to choose between "authenticity" and "safety". the idea of de-emphasizing the importance of coming out doesn't mean throwing out the idea altogether, it just means adapting it or modifying it in a way that lets people take things at their own pace and disclose however much or little they want to as many or few people.

You´re definitely right.
I didn't consider our personal cultures and living styles

To make a little more context, I'm Brazilian and this heteronormative expectation that you said is present here.
Coming out is something good, but not obligatory.
Everyone should be free to do it or not
Accepting yourself is more important than other's acceptation

Thanks for the advice

 

[dawnbuster]

not usually super open with irl stuff on smogon, but I’m coming out as bi. Found out around start of this month woohoo

 

[elleapple]

"im trans and gay and nonbinary hi" - elleapple (anime sans) 2021

 

[cityscapes]

hey, there was a bit of discussion regarding lgbtq+ theory earlier on this page and i kind of wanted to bring that up again. personally i’ve had a hard time knowing where to start when it comes to this— the only “mainstream” theorist i’ve heard of is judith butler whom i have heard can be inaccessible at times. i feel like others are in the same boat of getting all their knowledge from youtubers like contrapoints and philosophy tube, who are still great but can’t fully replace actual books.

so mostly i had 2 questions for this thread:

1. which theory books/essays do you recommend?
2. what types of ideas does lgbtq+ theory generally cover? earlier on this page that article about experiences as a nonwhite lgbtq+ person and the discussion of how “coming out” is treated in contemporary society was really thought-provoking and made me think about stuff i’d never really paid any mind to before. it’s like there’s a whole new world of ideas out there so i would appreciate a rough map.

thanks!

 

[Myzozoa]

hey, there was a bit of discussion regarding lgbtq+ theory earlier on this page and i kind of wanted to bring that up again. personally i’ve had a hard time knowing where to start when it comes to this— the only “mainstream” theorist i’ve heard of is judith butler whom i have heard can be inaccessible at times. i feel like others are in the same boat of getting all their knowledge from youtubers like contrapoints and philosophy tube, who are still great but can’t fully replace actual books.

so mostly i had 2 questions for this thread:

1. which theory books/essays do you recommend?
2. what types of ideas does lgbtq+ theory generally cover? earlier on this page that article about experiences as a nonwhite lgbtq+ person and the discussion of how “coming out” is treated in contemporary society was really thought-provoking and made me think about stuff i’d never really paid any mind to before. it’s like there’s a whole new world of ideas out there so i would appreciate a rough map.

thanks!

The main books (a lot of people start with these):
Zami by Audre Lorde
Time on Two Crosses by Bayard Rustin
(Foucault History of sexuality vol 1) (sedgewick epistemology of the closet)<-these are kinda esoteric/academic

Judith Butler's most widely read and mentioned essays (so you can avoid reading lacan or zizek's sloppy lacan seconds in an attempt to read all of her books): "Doing Justice to Someone", "Subjects of Sex/Gender/Desire", and Bodies that matter chapter 1.

Some of my favorite contemporary essayists besides Judith Butler are Sarah Ahmed, Dean Spade, and Jasbir Puar. 'LGBTQ+' theory, that you would want to read as a lay person, is or at least should be an outgrowth of critical political theory and feminist political theories. so it covers state, media, and legal systems and how they interact with lgbtq people as well as how capitalism extracts value from lgbtq people.

 

[KM]

The main books (a lot of people start with these):
Zami by Audre Lorde
Time on Two Crosses by Bayard Rustin
(Foucault History of sexuality vol 1) (sedgewick epistemology of the closet)<-these are kinda esoteric/academic

Judith Butler's most widely read and mentioned essays (so you can avoid reading lacan or zizek's sloppy lacan seconds in an attempt to read all of her books): "Doing Justice to Someone", "Subjects of Sex/Gender/Desire", and Bodies that matter chapter 1.

Some of my favorite contemporary essayists besides Judith Butler are Sarah Ahmed, Dean Spade, and Jasbir Puar. 'LGBTQ+' theory, that you would want to read as a lay person, is or at least should be an outgrowth of critical political theory and feminist political theories. so it covers state, media, and legal systems and how they interact with lgbtq people as well as how capitalism extracts value from lgbtq people.

seconding most of these suggestions (haven't read the others), and also wanted to add that as an intro it's more than fine to consume these ideas and pieces of media in ways other than sitting down and reading them cover to cover. there's a number of great videos of jasbir puar lectures / talks on homonationalism / pinkwashing, as well as similar media for other contemporary names on here, and if that way of consuming media is more accessible it's equally as relevant. for the denser stuff like the foucault, it's totally fine to look for a quality summary or a smaller section of the text that you're specifically interested in. i think a lot of the barriers to a lot of people getting into theory is the idea that they need to get through a list of 15 400-page manuscripts just to even begin but it's more than enough to just learn the important ideas.

 

[coffee_white]

hey, there was a bit of discussion regarding lgbtq+ theory earlier on this page and i kind of wanted to bring that up again. personally i’ve had a hard time knowing where to start when it comes to this— the only “mainstream” theorist i’ve heard of is judith butler whom i have heard can be inaccessible at times. i feel like others are in the same boat of getting all their knowledge from youtubers like contrapoints and philosophy tube, who are still great but can’t fully replace actual books.

so mostly i had 2 questions for this thread:

1. which theory books/essays do you recommend?
2. what types of ideas does lgbtq+ theory generally cover? earlier on this page that article about experiences as a nonwhite lgbtq+ person and the discussion of how “coming out” is treated in contemporary society was really thought-provoking and made me think about stuff i’d never really paid any mind to before. it’s like there’s a whole new world of ideas out there so i would appreciate a rough map.

thanks!

hello

judith butler is as fine a starting point as any
for me and i'm sure many others, they were a pivotal and essential gateway into "trans theory"
but if you do dig into their works, it's probably important to note that the theory of gender you'll find, particularly in their earlier works, is in many ways not a popular one today
in those texts, you'll get a picture of gender as performance or as "performativity," but today, many do not understand their genders as performative but rather as an inner feature of subjectivity (in other words, not something you do, but something you find out about yourself)
this can be a touchy subject so i will not dig too much into it here, i only bring it up as a sort of preliminary matter to keep in mind as you read butler's stuff

also no one needs to be ashamed of getting their information from youtubers or any other sort of alternative medium
there is nothing sacred about theoretical texts, they are just one of many ways to tell stories that are worth hearing
and unfortunately at times when one is confined to texts it can feel like there is a "barrier to entry" of all the prerequisite readings required to understand what the hell a sentence like "the body is a site where regimes of discourse and power inscribe themselves, a nodal point or nexus for relations of juridical and productive power" is supposed to mean

i don't claim to have any sort of definitive roadmap for this -- i suspect no one follows exactly the same sequence of readings -- but i can speak from my own experience: i started with beauvoir's second sex (we read this with sartre in my continental phil class, but sartre probably isn't necessary to understand it), then foucault's history of sexuality (again, it may help to read some other foucault as well, but probably not necessary), and then butler's gender trouble, and then just kind of kept going from there. as others have mentioned, it is by no means necessary to read all of this stuff start to finish; there are summaries and commentaries in text and video form all over the internet that will convey the core ideas just fine

hope this helps

 

[Myzozoa]

also no one needs to be ashamed of getting their information from youtubers or any other sort of alternative medium
there is nothing sacred about theoretical texts, they are just one of many ways to tell stories that are worth hearing
and unfortunately at times when one is confined to texts it can feel like there is a "barrier to entry" of all the prerequisite readings required to understand what the hell a sentence like "the body is a site where regimes of discourse and power inscribe themselves, a nodal point or nexus for relations of juridical and productive power" is supposed to mean

I mean in most theoretical writing you can pick out a sentence that is hard to understand outside of the text it came from. People shouldn't be intimidated by sentences like this, it gets easier to understand these types of theories the more you engage with them, even without doing any prior readings. By all means it is easier to get the core ideas from secondary sources like video commentaries, but it could be valuable to do a little reading occasionally. Some minutia or some way the idea is presented in the text could resonate with you or be useful/valuable to you and it might be lost or unmentioned in the secondary sources. Obviously if you find yourself trying to decipher something with little success and lots of frustration it is good to move on to something else, but it's worth giving the texts a read every once in a while.

 

[coffee_white]

I mean in most theoretical writing you can pick out a sentence that is hard to understand outside of the text it came from. People shouldn't be intimidated by sentences like this, it gets easier to understand these types of theories the more you engage with them, even without doing any prior readings. By all means it is easier to get the core ideas from secondary sources like video commentaries, but it could be valuable to do a little reading occasionally. Some minutia or some way the idea is presented in the text could resonate with you or be useful/valuable to you and it might be lost or unmentioned in the secondary sources. Obviously if you find yourself trying to decipher something with little success and lots of frustration it is good to move on to something else, but it's worth giving the texts a read every once in a while.

i agree generally, but i think i should point out that the example i used is actually like the third sentence of the text it's in, and is speaking directly on another author's work (foucault) that the reader is supposed to have read before reading the text in question
that's kind of a consistent thread in all of the authors i recommended, they all routinely refer to each other and sometimes with controversial interpretations
so if you really do want to pick out all of the minutia and specifics that you can only get from the text itself, you often will need to be "initiated" to some extent in the tradition; otherwise you're only getting one side of a two-or-more-sided conversation
that is all i meant by that

 

[mushamu]

It's 4 AM and I've been thinking about this for a while now but I'm 99.99% sure that I want to be female. I've never really talked about it to anyone in my real life or in the Smogon community here but I'm pretty sure I'd go insane if I didn't talk about it at some point in time so I'm choosing to share it now. Growing up I've never really felt the need to be masculine; sometimes even disgusted by the idea of doing pretty much anything people expect from a dude because I'm not comfortable with showcasing those qualities as who I am. Whenever someone would make a comment about me exerting female traits I'd take it as more of a compliment than a need to correct my behavior and before I’d usually think to myself "well maybe you're just a really feminine guy!" but now it's more of a "I'm more comfortable with actually being female than what I identify as now" and "life would be so much better if I was female". I kept my thoughts of gender dysphoria inside me since when I was really young and didn't tell anyone because I was really afraid of being treated differently everywhere if I expressed my wish to be transgender. It sucks that I don't think my parents would ever accept me as a transwoman because of their values, but I'm okay with doing whatever is best for me to ensure my own happiness. I'll most likely look into it more until I can support myself since I’m still young but I still identify as a dude as of now like I always have. I don't wish to be treated any differently because at the end of the day I'm still me and this is essentially just me spilling out my feelings that I've kept bottled up for around a decade. I just really needed somewhere to put this; thanks for reading.

 

[PokeTrainer16]

It's 4 AM and I've been thinking about this for a while now but I'm 99.99% sure that I want to be female. I've never really talked about it to anyone in my real life or in the Smogon community here but I'm pretty sure I'd go insane if I didn't talk about it at some point in time so I'm choosing to share it now. Growing up I've never really felt the need to be masculine; sometimes even disgusted by the idea of doing pretty much anything people expect from a dude because I'm not comfortable with showcasing those qualities as who I am. Whenever someone would make a comment about me exerting female traits I'd take it as more of a compliment than a need to correct my behavior and before I’d usually think to myself "well maybe you're just a really feminine guy!" but now it's more of a "I'm more comfortable with actually being female than what I identify as now" and "life would be so much better if I was female". I kept my thoughts of gender dysphoria inside me since when I was really young and didn't tell anyone because I was really afraid of being treated differently everywhere if I expressed my wish to be transgender. It sucks that I don't think my parents would ever accept me as a transwoman because of their values, but I'm okay with doing whatever is best for me to ensure my own happiness. I'll most likely look into it more until I can support myself since I’m still young but I still identify as a dude as of now like I always have. I don't wish to be treated any differently because at the end of the day I'm still me and this is essentially just me spilling out my feelings that I've kept bottled up for around a decade. I just really needed somewhere to put this; thanks for reading.

Welcome to the blue, pink and white Republic!

 

[selfie]

For a really long time I've been struggling with the fact that my dad is not accepting of my current relationship with my partner, and it's been eating at me quite a bit because I felt like it was my fault and it was something that I did to disappoint him.

I moved in with my partner in late May, and I recently found out that my father moved BACK to the state I'm in and has been avoiding me and talking poorly about me to family because of this.

But through the support of my friends on here, I've really come to realize that I don't have to apologize for being in love with my partner, and wanting to be happy - regardless if it fits my families perfect little picture. I know that my dad isn't supportive of me and my s/o but at the end of the day one family member not being apart of my life doesn't dictate my happiness and I have such a strong and amazing support system behind me, helping me every single step of the way.

I guess I'm just posting because I used to think that getting approval from my dad was everything, but at one point you just have to learn that as long as you're happy living your life - unsupportive family members don't mean anything. Family are those who support and love you no matter what, regardless of who you decide to love.

 

[Morkal]

So I'm back here on my account after quite a long time and wanted to talk a little bit about some experiences that I've gone through recently, and before the recent experiences as well. I've experimented a lot with my identity and am currently in the process of getting a multi-treatment permanent facial laser hair removal to help with my gender dysphoria (one of the best decisions I've made in my adult life, as of this post I'm two of 10 sessions into the treatment). In addition to this, I officially decided to identify as Genderfluid (as some days I felt way more like Jennifer, and some days I feel like Dalton). In addition to this, I've lost 50 pounds in the last three months and moved to Denver (so I'm no longer in the middle of nowhere). I'll share before and now pictures of myself here so you can see the stark difference.

Me (Before)

Me (Now)

Along with this, one of my old music project's songs ended up charting on the radio in a few countries, which was a dream come true. I also gave myself a new policy that (so far) I've followed to the letter, I no longer drink by myself, only with friends or in social settings. This (along with a hugely changed diet) is why I was able to drop so much weight so quickly, as I was at one point downing mixed drinks and straight vodka nightly (to the tune of roughly 12-15 shots of alcohol every night consistently at my worst points). I've been taking edibles to help with some of my joint pain, and am now working out two times a week and seeing a chiropractor for my more pressing back issues, and am on Adderall as well for my ADHD (and it also helps with the things caused by my frontal and temporal lobe brain damage). Finally, I ended up enrolling in college again and I'm doing wonderfully and actually maintaining really good grades (above 100% in some courses), and become a competitive Rocket League player along with getting back into Yu-Gi-Oh (I'll get into those two in a bit).

So to say my life has taken an absolute giant upheaval in the last few years is an understatement, to say the least. My mental outlook still needs work (as while I'm definitely sociable, I also still have anger problems and really can't stand to be around people that I don't already enjoy talking to) because of paranoia and, frankly, hatred of the general human race (which is another thing I'm trying to fix, trauma sucks). I'd like to be able to go out into the city and talk/meet new people and feel good enough to make new connections again.

Honestly, the main things that have changed in my life that had rapidly improved it are the following:

- Changing my diet and imposing the drinking rule completely changed my outlook on myself, and helped with my Dysphoria. Now I can look in the mirror without being (as) disgusted at myself, and actually feel a lot more confident. Also, my medication has made organizing my life a lot better, along with being able to go back to college successfully. Slowly working on facial hair removal treatments was also another one of the best decisions I've made, and has helped with my depression by making it easier to maintain myself. Going to the gym twice a week is doing wonders for my confidence as well, and I'm gaining my physical strength back on top of that!

- Rocket League. This may seem silly, but this game honestly kept me from killing myself at one point. One of my friends from high school got me into it after we talked on the phone when I was in a drunken stupor one night, and it gave me something consistent to look forward to. No matter what kind of day I was having, at any time between 5 pm to midnight, I could hop on our private server and queue up with a group of really cool people. I needed that consistency and that socialization, and it helped with my motivation in a lot of other aspects to the point where I was able to slowly start improving things in my life. It also allowed me to move past the self-imposed mental blocks I put on myself because of my brain damage, and through a lot of practice, I was able to do reflex reactions and moves I thought I was unable to do. This game unironically improved my life in so many ways.

- Completely distancing myself from politics as a whole. My political beliefs have changed a considerable amount over the last few years, but throughout all that change I've realized that focusing on politics was not only making me more hateful of all sides of the political spectrum (left, right, libertarian, socialist, etc) but was one of the reasons that I was having such paranoia problems making new connections (because I felt that if anyone on any political spectrum looked at my beliefs, no-one would want to deal with me at all). So I made a decision that I'm never talking about politics with anyone (except with a few very trusted people I've known basically my whole life or for a long period of time), and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I can actually look at the world through fresh eyes again and start to move past the hardships that were done to me in the past when I lived in California because of my former beliefs and how I impulsively said stupid things. In addition, it has allowed me to reignite my passion for a lot of things that I lost passion for (including my music).

- Yu-Gi-Oh. Recently, my grandfather passed away. To say he was the most important man in my life was an understatement; he was the greatest man I've ever known, and I always aspired to be the man that he was. When I was younger, I didn't have any true friends in real life (I had some kids in my former neighborhood I would hang out with singularly, but they all hopped on the "bully Dalton" train or the "we're ashamed of Dalton" train when in groups), so I never had kids my own age to play Yu-Gi-Oh with. My grandfather would sit with me for hours and play Yu-Gi-Oh, he didn't really know how the game worked but he still sat there and played with me. Those memories are some of the most important times that I have from that era, and I'll never forget them. So when he passed, I decided to pick up Yu-Gi-Oh again and it was another fantastic decision. I was originally worried about being lost with all the new stuff they introduced, but it was actually really easy to get back into and I've been having a blast with the game, building new decks and playing both online against people and AI. I'm hoping to build some of these decks IRL when I'm not so strapped for cash.

- Starting a new music project and going back to school. I started a new music project a few months ago after taking a year-long hiatus from making music and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I actually feel inspired again, and I feel that it has allowed me to approach making what I love the most in new and exciting ways. In addition to this, I'm going back to college for a BFA in 3D Animation, and am hoping to get a job with either Pixar, Tesla, NASA, or Nintendo when I graduate.

I still have a lot of progress to go in my life (I still need to regain more of my physical strength, learn to be able to trust new people again, and also fix a few other aspects of my life that I'm not happy with), but overall I feel as though I'm in a much better (and healthier) place than I was years ago, or frankly, even six months ago.

Thank you all for reading, and I hope you all have an absolutely wonderful day.

 

[Altariel von Sweep]

first post in a very long time here but I am writing this to say I am coming out as non-binary, and that I want to be addressed by they/he pronouns (they preferably).

i also want to share my thoughts when i discovered i was both ace, bi and nb. my asexuality takes place back in june 2020, when i was minding my own business. suddenly, a thought crossed my mind, that i was feeling happy without the need for sexual desire for anyone. at first, i thought it was a sign for being demisexual, but as time passed, i have grown more and more repulsed about sex. i only wanted to seek happiness but thinking about it made me feel terrible.

i forced myself to come out as ace to my parents in january. the result was terrible, they didn't believe asexuality was real and i felt really weak to answer back, just because i didnt fit in the same mark as normal people would (if that can be called normal, that is.).

my bisexuality came two months later. by the time i was completely in denial that i liked men and women (i was still het), but the idea of being in a loving relationship with a man didnt seem to make me feel uncomfortable. i was happy to know i could be happy with someone, no matter what they were. even though i was still a bit hard on the idea, i started to feel strong sensations around men (i even fell in love with one and asked him out back in may, but got rejected). i wanted to come out, but knowing what happened when i came out as ace, i prefered to keep myself quiet.

finally, i discovered that i was not feeling really comfortable being labelled as a "man", and not as a "woman", either. a few weeks ago, i decided to use they/them pronouns in root of when people referred to me as they/them in discord calls because they didnt know how to address me. with time, i grew attached by treating myself as such, and i loved it. it made me euphoric. then, i just felt that i was a non-binary because of how much i despise being gender labelled, and made me feel dysphoric when people i have no confidence with addressed me as he/him.

it is okay to discover oneself. it may take time, it may be faster than expected, but we all are humans and we deserve love, no matter what we are, who we love and how we love. i just felt that sharing this would lift a weight up my shoulders and, boy sure it did.

and remember, you people are all valid, whether you have come out or not!

 

[cityscapes]

this is a weird post cause i'm a weird person

hi everyone! i'm erin, i love everyone, and i hope to be the most beautiful girl in the world one day!

i wrote a lot of stuff here not to "prove" myself (i did that in the last line), i just wanted to explain what i've learned over these past few months in case it might help anyone else.

How I Know

So I guess what’s expected here is a full explanation starting with my birth where I felt bad about not getting the pink hat as a baby or something. Unfortunately, I cannot provide this: regardless of which subjective lens I use to look back on my childhood, I can’t just point to that and be like “see? i was a girl all along. you morons, you absolute cretins”. Here’s why:

It is to approach your own history, your own experiences, and your own right to make your own choices for your gender, your body and your life the same way the Gatekeeper approaches them. You do the Gatekeeper’s work for him, validate the cissexist consciousness, and self-select out of your own rights and own gender and own potential life before even giving anyone a chance to deny them. It’s the same thing: you confess your experiences in a linear narrative while gatekeeper weighs them against some arbitrary, decontextualized checklist of “trans experiences”. Just in this case, you play both parts. There is absolutely no history you may have that undermines your right to make this choice, would undermine the validity of that choice, or would undermine the gender you assert.

(For the record, I did try to express myself in a feminine way a couple times growing up, but each time I had to deal with cisnormativity in my household. It wasn’t overt or even implicit homophobia/transphobia, I just felt like I had to explain things that I didn’t know how to explain. I bring this up not to “validate” myself but because cisnormativity is really stupid and I hope by bringing it up more we can help others disentangle themselves from it more easily.)

How do I know, then? All this started about 3-4 months ago after I started making changes in my lifestyle with self-care. From there, the period of questioning, aka suffering and hell, began. 1 thing about being trans is you don’t go from 0% certain to 100% overnight, you gotta get through 30%, and 50%, and 80% over weeks. How do you think it feels to feel 50% trans?????? Absolutely ridiculous, but I got through it. I used any pronouns on Discord and felt a little spark in my heart every time someone (mostly zovrah lol) would use she/her. I shaved my legs. My cousins came over and OFFERED to put makeup on me/put my hair into a ponytail/put nail polish on me (I genuinely just lucked into that). On the other hand I had to wear a fancy shirt to my brother’s high school graduation and I hated that.

Most important, though, was what happened on the inside. I would be like “ok, I’ll go for a run, as a girl” (despite my visual appearance not changing) and see how my brain felt. Soon I was doing that all the time, because it just felt nicer and I started really being able to see myself as female.

So really that’s all it is. A collection of evidence gathered through experiences (p less than 0.05 or whatever) and Hey Liberals If Being A Cis Man Is So Privileging Why Is Being A Woman So Much More Fun. "being cis" was like playing stall irl. BORING as hell. gender APATHY

Something important to note is that even now, there are always doubts and gender euphoria isn’t constant. I was a bit annoyed when I learned that presenting as female wouldn’t leave me in a permanent state of happiness, but it is what it is I guess. I wake up as a girl and my first thoughts are about eating breakfast and making plans for the day instead of seeing how I can make myself look pretty. Gender apathy is still around, but the good times are also there when I need them.

Sometimes, I get the opportunity to make magic happen. A couple weeks ago, my family went on a vacation to a place with a pretty big beach (though it was too cold to swim there). I’m a big fan of settings like beaches, gardens, and yes, cityscapes, because they’re neutral and non-judgmental. They have character, but you can also just spend time with them. So on the last day before we left, I went there alone for an hour or so and just walked and thought about gender. It was neat.

Then I went back a few hours later.

The mist was heavy, and the light was gradually running out. There was no one else. This is what it looked like in all directions (except the water):

I could say whatever I wanted. So I did. I talked about the future I wanted, a life full of friends, work, hobbies, style, and even romantic relationships. The beach, and the ocean next to it, listened.

To call it a profound experience would be an understatement. The profound experience part was me not being able to find my way back and stumbling into a stranger’s house to ask for a drink, terrified I would collapse from exhaustion, and walking 5 miles back to arrive home at 11 PM. This was something more.

This is how I know I’m on the right path.

An ADHD Hell Original

I wouldn’t say that ADHD directly interacts with my gender identity much (though recently I have had some issues with perfectionism/wanting to be a “perfect” or “ideal” woman) but where these two things have converged is how they’ve been treated by society. Both have me engaging in a constant uphill battle: I must be a highly functional and productive member of society, and I must make efforts to be feminine.

This was at its worst during high school and the semester I spent in college. I wore my hair short, showed up late for class, was always on my phone, and barely had the energy to get through the day. I tended to be irritable and disappointed in myself, which was compounded by my parents placing the same expectations that I had already set for myself. On Smogon/PS, I tried to make up for this by trying to draw attention and respect by coming up with creative sets and improving at the game. In real life, I could socialize perfectly fine, but didn’t feel like I really fit in because I just felt bad all the time—when I tried sports, they just made me more exhausted. I couldn’t tell you how much dysphoria was involved in all this, but I will say that I’ve had BW2 Iris as my avatar on PS since 2018 (crazy dress? unapologetically insane? several dragon-types? goals).

Anyway, it all came to a head in college when my inability to actually turn in assignments finally caught up with me and I failed the first term. Since I didn’t feel confident seeking help on my own, I asked my parents and they got a therapist for me. From there, I started to gradually rebuild my self-image, starting from radical humanism (everyone deserves happiness and love and support, even someone who can’t get anything done like me) and building on that.

Going into 2021 I was pretty happy with myself and outside the range of depression, but it wasn’t until I started to figure out my gender identity that I felt genuinely appreciative of myself. I have a future now, and she wears dresses and fancy shoes, has a job in computer science or something else that makes sense with my brain, and does whatever she wants!!!!! Even things like working at a boring job feel doable now, because I feel a longing to exist on this earth that I’ve never felt before.

Going into adulthood, I recognize that things will still be difficult. Whether I find a job or go back to school, there will always be days where I have a hard time functioning. The difference is that the motivation issue I had has been solved. Self-preservation now means more to me than just avoiding pain.

On: Beauty in the Face of Based

A note:

I talk about beauty here in a more theoretical sense. While I certainly strive for the sense of genuine humanity I describe below, it’s important to note that I hope to also be beautiful physically. I will make “drip” look like a single water molecule. I will exercise my divine right to wear hideously ugly clothing to make cis people feel better about themselves. I’m tall so there’s more of me to dress up. I even hope to communicate genuine humanity through the way I physically express myself.

Urban Dictionary defines “based” as the following:

A word used when you agree with something; or when you want to recognize someone for being themselves, i.e. courageous and unique or not caring what others think. Especially common in online political slang.

It’s certainly a fun word to throw around, but upon closer inspection the inherent contradiction within it becomes quite apparent: rewarding perceived independence makes it less independent. I have noticed that most online circles tend to avoid this contradiction and either gravitate towards just “based = good” or slather the whole thing in irony. It’s a mess.

“Beauty in the face of based” was the second magical power I came up with. It entails rejecting the false individualism of the word “based” and embracing a true independence not bestowed by any other person. At first glance, the word “beauty” doesn’t really support what I’m trying to do here—it mostly just means “aesthetically pleasing” or otherwise “good”. What I want to evoke with this word is the “beauty” experienced by people in very close relationships (both romantic and platonic), the same sense of profound vastness one might get from looking at the sky or the sea or the mountains. People are big, and complicated, and exist outside of narratives (even their own). Nobody is ever truly “based”. Everyone is beautiful, though it isn’t up to me to assign that to others. By striving to show the world how beautiful I am, I seek to disenfranchise a culture in which opinions are valued over people.

Obviously, I have not “solved politics” or, for that matter, shown how this concept operates in practice. For example, a social conservative might use this same concept to justify ignoring “LGBTQ+ opinions” in favor of keeping traditional masculinity safe or whatever. Mostly I seek to lead by example: living a happy and expressive life and really seeing the beauty in people will be more productive for me than arguing on the internet. Showing the world how beautiful I am primarily involves asserting my existence and connecting with others more deeply than just a passing conversation or debate. (This section has been very “spend less time online” focused but the real world does have its problems too. A lot of people act super fake and everyone is always busy. “Based” has impacts on the real world as well.)

Overall, only people whom I am close to can appraise my beauty. It is a very personal thing. But I’ll take personal things over impersonal things that you get from saying funny words near ironic people any day. This is beauty in the face of based.

“Ok, very cool, but what does this have to do with your gender identity?” Nothing. Welcome to my manifesto. Cisnormative society and its consequences have been a dis-

I’m reading Whipping Girl…

…and it gave me the bright idea of doing a similar thing and making a deranged collection of overly personal anecdotes and pretentious essays. Welcome to my post!

On a more serious note, this book gets into some crazy topics. Like I knew trans acceptance used to be much worse (and is still bad) but what the hell. The state of trans healthcare in the 20th century was dismal because of a bunch of bozo researchers coming up with stupid theories about trans people depending on what field they worked in and being like “so yeah as a sociology expert uhhh this is all social you have no inherent gender, no hormones for you, buy my book”!!! Oppositional sexism (seeing male and female as opposites, and seeing being male as better than being female) perpetuates terrible belief systems!!!! Media depictions of trans women can be overly sensationalized and some perpetuate trans-misogyny by reducing all of femininity to a performance (where being male isn’t)!!!!!

I wanted to bring up dialogues on this book but I really don’t know what to say, I feel very out of my depth here. I’m about halfway through (almost at part 2) so I might make another post with more coherent thoughts later. But like, this book is stretching my 10-hour-trans-breadtube-watchtime 2 brain cells to their absolute limit. The language is accessible, but the concepts are hard. (although they are unfathomably based. see? told you it was a fun word to throw around)

Resources I Used

I lurked r/mtf and r/asktransgender on Reddit a bit but never posted there. The trans meme subs are also a lot of fun (looked at those even when I thought I was cis lol).

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.com unfortunately i turned 20 a mere two months before finding this site, so the pages are all inaccessible to me. i post this in the hopes that a zoomer out there will learn the secrets of the Transgender Teens and not end up a sad husk like me….

This blog, which I cited earlier, was enormously helpful for me in answering questions I didn’t think to ask. I am very proud of myself for coming up with the null hypothe-cis concept independently of the post on here lol

I also do recommend Philosophy Tube/Contrapoints on YouTube, they have a less practical and more theoretical focus but they do a good job laying out basic frameworks starting from the position of an average cis person who knows nothing.

Concerns Going Forward

I don’t know everything. This section is me drawing the limits of what I’ve learned and asking for advice or help. Or more realistically, I’ve probably been speaking on things for which I am wholly unqualified to speak, but the subjects in this part just terrify me.

First of all, my parents scare me. Now I don’t want to get into a whole Smogon rant about how much I hate my parents, because they’re accepting and are really not that bad. The problem is that I tend to conflate invalidation of myself as a person (from society) with invalidation of my gender identity. This is why I’ve been trying to become self-sufficient before coming out to them—not because I’m afraid they will reject me, but because I’d rather start in the world as Erin who takes the bus to work every day and plays chess at the cafe than Erin who spends too much time scrolling through Reddit and struggles to pass her classes, you know? (This is also the reason why I was terrified of posting this here, despite the confidence I feel with it all.) I recognize that this is a really weird problem but I was wondering if anyone else had experience with it.

Voice training is hard cause I lack patience. I am motivated though so I’ll push through it.

Getting my own clothes/makeup is not easy because the topics feel too broad and don’t really have definitive tutorials. Also there’s the issue of me only being out to 2 people irl (my brother and therapist, both are extremely cool) so I feel uncomfortable experimenting in part due to the cisnormativity I’d have to deal with (now I have an explanation for why I want to do this, but I can’t say it for the reasons above, which is incredibly frustrating). I feel the same way about HRT, which I'd feel really weird about starting without telling my parents (it’s dishonest, and it wouldn’t help with the root of the issue).

shoutouts to hba for putting up with me being incoherent and helping me figure things out!

if you have any questions or just wanna talk about stuff, pm me on discord at city#0310! if you want to send me mean things, you can do that too! but beware: my skin is made of diamonds and i can probably beat you at pokemon!

 

[King Feraligatr]

I don't get the burning hatred some people have for LGBTA+ people? Like, I can't wrap my head around it anymore, despite being initially being brought up to have hostility to it. I grew out of it of course, finding it absurd. But still, I just question the vitriol towards it.

 

[PokeTrainer16]

this is a weird post cause i'm a weird person

hi everyone! i'm erin, i love everyone, and i hope to be the most beautiful girl in the world one day!

i wrote a lot of stuff here not to "prove" myself (i did that in the last line), i just wanted to explain what i've learned over these past few months in case it might help anyone else.

How I Know

So I guess what’s expected here is a full explanation starting with my birth where I felt bad about not getting the pink hat as a baby or something. Unfortunately, I cannot provide this: regardless of which subjective lens I use to look back on my childhood, I can’t just point to that and be like “see? i was a girl all along. you morons, you absolute cretins”. Here’s why:

(For the record, I did try to express myself in a feminine way a couple times growing up, but each time I had to deal with cisnormativity in my household. It wasn’t overt or even implicit homophobia/transphobia, I just felt like I had to explain things that I didn’t know how to explain. I bring this up not to “validate” myself but because cisnormativity is really stupid and I hope by bringing it up more we can help others disentangle themselves from it more easily.)

How do I know, then? All this started about 3-4 months ago after I started making changes in my lifestyle with self-care. From there, the period of questioning, aka suffering and hell, began. 1 thing about being trans is you don’t go from 0% certain to 100% overnight, you gotta get through 30%, and 50%, and 80% over weeks. How do you think it feels to feel 50% trans?????? Absolutely ridiculous, but I got through it. I used any pronouns on Discord and felt a little spark in my heart every time someone (mostly zovrah lol) would use she/her. I shaved my legs. My cousins came over and OFFERED to put makeup on me/put my hair into a ponytail/put nail polish on me (I genuinely just lucked into that). On the other hand I had to wear a fancy shirt to my brother’s high school graduation and I hated that.

Most important, though, was what happened on the inside. I would be like “ok, I’ll go for a run, as a girl” (despite my visual appearance not changing) and see how my brain felt. Soon I was doing that all the time, because it just felt nicer and I started really being able to see myself as female.

So really that’s all it is. A collection of evidence gathered through experiences (p less than 0.05 or whatever) and Hey Liberals If Being A Cis Man Is So Privileging Why Is Being A Woman So Much More Fun. "being cis" was like playing stall irl. BORING as hell. gender APATHY

Something important to note is that even now, there are always doubts and gender euphoria isn’t constant. I was a bit annoyed when I learned that presenting as female wouldn’t leave me in a permanent state of happiness, but it is what it is I guess. I wake up as a girl and my first thoughts are about eating breakfast and making plans for the day instead of seeing how I can make myself look pretty. Gender apathy is still around, but the good times are also there when I need them.

Sometimes, I get the opportunity to make magic happen. A couple weeks ago, my family went on a vacation to a place with a pretty big beach (though it was too cold to swim there). I’m a big fan of settings like beaches, gardens, and yes, cityscapes, because they’re neutral and non-judgmental. They have character, but you can also just spend time with them. So on the last day before we left, I went there alone for an hour or so and just walked and thought about gender. It was neat.

Then I went back a few hours later.

The mist was heavy, and the light was gradually running out. There was no one else. This is what it looked like in all directions (except the water):


I could say whatever I wanted. So I did. I talked about the future I wanted, a life full of friends, work, hobbies, style, and even romantic relationships. The beach, and the ocean next to it, listened.

To call it a profound experience would be an understatement. The profound experience part was me not being able to find my way back and stumbling into a stranger’s house to ask for a drink, terrified I would collapse from exhaustion, and walking 5 miles back to arrive home at 11 PM. This was something more.

This is how I know I’m on the right path.

An ADHD Hell Original

I wouldn’t say that ADHD directly interacts with my gender identity much (though recently I have had some issues with perfectionism/wanting to be a “perfect” or “ideal” woman) but where these two things have converged is how they’ve been treated by society. Both have me engaging in a constant uphill battle: I must be a highly functional and productive member of society, and I must make efforts to be feminine.

This was at its worst during high school and the semester I spent in college. I wore my hair short, showed up late for class, was always on my phone, and barely had the energy to get through the day. I tended to be irritable and disappointed in myself, which was compounded by my parents placing the same expectations that I had already set for myself. On Smogon/PS, I tried to make up for this by trying to draw attention and respect by coming up with creative sets and improving at the game. In real life, I could socialize perfectly fine, but didn’t feel like I really fit in because I just felt bad all the time—when I tried sports, they just made me more exhausted. I couldn’t tell you how much dysphoria was involved in all this, but I will say that I’ve had BW2 Iris as my avatar on PS since 2018 (crazy dress? unapologetically insane? several dragon-types? goals).

Anyway, it all came to a head in college when my inability to actually turn in assignments finally caught up with me and I failed the first term. Since I didn’t feel confident seeking help on my own, I asked my parents and they got a therapist for me. From there, I started to gradually rebuild my self-image, starting from radical humanism (everyone deserves happiness and love and support, even someone who can’t get anything done like me) and building on that.

Going into 2021 I was pretty happy with myself and outside the range of depression, but it wasn’t until I started to figure out my gender identity that I felt genuinely appreciative of myself. I have a future now, and she wears dresses and fancy shoes, has a job in computer science or something else that makes sense with my brain, and does whatever she wants!!!!! Even things like working at a boring job feel doable now, because I feel a longing to exist on this earth that I’ve never felt before.

Going into adulthood, I recognize that things will still be difficult. Whether I find a job or go back to school, there will always be days where I have a hard time functioning. The difference is that the motivation issue I had has been solved. Self-preservation now means more to me than just avoiding pain.

On: Beauty in the Face of Based

Urban Dictionary defines “based” as the following:

It’s certainly a fun word to throw around, but upon closer inspection the inherent contradiction within it becomes quite apparent: rewarding perceived independence makes it less independent. I have noticed that most online circles tend to avoid this contradiction and either gravitate towards just “based = good” or slather the whole thing in irony. It’s a mess.

“Beauty in the face of based” was the second magical power I came up with. It entails rejecting the false individualism of the word “based” and embracing a true independence not bestowed by any other person. At first glance, the word “beauty” doesn’t really support what I’m trying to do here—it mostly just means “aesthetically pleasing” or otherwise “good”. What I want to evoke with this word is the “beauty” experienced by people in very close relationships (both romantic and platonic), the same sense of profound vastness one might get from looking at the sky or the sea or the mountains. People are big, and complicated, and exist outside of narratives (even their own). Nobody is ever truly “based”. Everyone is beautiful, though it isn’t up to me to assign that to others. By striving to show the world how beautiful I am, I seek to disenfranchise a culture in which opinions are valued over people.

Obviously, I have not “solved politics” or, for that matter, shown how this concept operates in practice. For example, a social conservative might use this same concept to justify ignoring “LGBTQ+ opinions” in favor of keeping traditional masculinity safe or whatever. Mostly I seek to lead by example: living a happy and expressive life and really seeing the beauty in people will be more productive for me than arguing on the internet. Showing the world how beautiful I am primarily involves asserting my existence and connecting with others more deeply than just a passing conversation or debate. (This section has been very “spend less time online” focused but the real world does have its problems too. A lot of people act super fake and everyone is always busy. “Based” has impacts on the real world as well.)

Overall, only people whom I am close to can appraise my beauty. It is a very personal thing. But I’ll take personal things over impersonal things that you get from saying funny words near ironic people any day. This is beauty in the face of based.

“Ok, very cool, but what does this have to do with your gender identity?” Nothing. Welcome to my manifesto. Cisnormative society and its consequences have been a dis-

I’m reading Whipping Girl…

…and it gave me the bright idea of doing a similar thing and making a deranged collection of overly personal anecdotes and pretentious essays. Welcome to my post!

On a more serious note, this book gets into some crazy topics. Like I knew trans acceptance used to be much worse (and is still bad) but what the hell. The state of trans healthcare in the 20th century was dismal because of a bunch of bozo researchers coming up with stupid theories about trans people depending on what field they worked in and being like “so yeah as a sociology expert uhhh this is all social you have no inherent gender, no hormones for you, buy my book”!!! Oppositional sexism (seeing male and female as opposites, and seeing being male as better than being female) perpetuates terrible belief systems!!!! Media depictions of trans women can be overly sensationalized and some perpetuate trans-misogyny by reducing all of femininity to a performance (where being male isn’t)!!!!!

I wanted to bring up dialogues on this book but I really don’t know what to say, I feel very out of my depth here. I’m about halfway through (almost at part 2) so I might make another post with more coherent thoughts later. But like, this book is stretching my 10-hour-trans-breadtube-watchtime 2 brain cells to their absolute limit. The language is accessible, but the concepts are hard. (although they are unfathomably based. see? told you it was a fun word to throw around)

Resources I Used

I lurked r/mtf and r/asktransgender on Reddit a bit but never posted there. The trans meme subs are also a lot of fun (looked at those even when I thought I was cis lol).

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.com unfortunately i turned 20 a mere two months before finding this site, so the pages are all inaccessible to me. i post this in the hopes that a zoomer out there will learn the secrets of the Transgender Teens and not end up a sad husk like me….

This blog, which I cited earlier, was enormously helpful for me in answering questions I didn’t think to ask. I am very proud of myself for coming up with the null hypothe-cis concept independently of the post on here lol

I also do recommend Philosophy Tube/Contrapoints on YouTube, they have a less practical and more theoretical focus but they do a good job laying out basic frameworks starting from the position of an average cis person who knows nothing.

Concerns Going Forward

I don’t know everything. This section is me drawing the limits of what I’ve learned and asking for advice or help. Or more realistically, I’ve probably been speaking on things for which I am wholly unqualified to speak, but the subjects in this part just terrify me.

First of all, my parents scare me. Now I don’t want to get into a whole Smogon rant about how much I hate my parents, because they’re accepting and are really not that bad. The problem is that I tend to conflate invalidation of myself as a person (from society) with invalidation of my gender identity. This is why I’ve been trying to become self-sufficient before coming out to them—not because I’m afraid they will reject me, but because I’d rather start in the world as Erin who takes the bus to work every day and plays chess at the cafe than Erin who spends too much time scrolling through Reddit and struggles to pass her classes, you know? (This is also the reason why I was terrified of posting this here, despite the confidence I feel with it all.) I recognize that this is a really weird problem but I was wondering if anyone else had experience with it.

Voice training is hard cause I lack patience. I am motivated though so I’ll push through it.

Getting my own clothes/makeup is not easy because the topics feel too broad and don’t really have definitive tutorials. Also there’s the issue of me only being out to 2 people irl (my brother and therapist, both are extremely cool) so I feel uncomfortable experimenting in part due to the cisnormativity I’d have to deal with (now I have an explanation for why I want to do this, but I can’t say it for the reasons above, which is incredibly frustrating). I feel the same way about HRT, which I'd feel really weird about starting without telling my parents (it’s dishonest, and it wouldn’t help with the root of the issue).

shoutouts to hba for putting up with me being incoherent and helping me figure things out!

if you have any questions or just wanna talk about stuff, pm me on discord at city#0310! if you want to send me mean things, you can do that too! but beware: my skin is made of diamonds and i can probably beat you at pokemon!

Based post lol, and welcome to Transland.