YAYYY you're out! you go girl!Let me be the third girl to come out this week (after Robyn and Tondas) and break the rule that the name of any Dutch trans girl starts with the A. Also this is a great post to be my 1000th post on smogon. So, I have already told my story in the smaller communities like PokePride, RoA Staff and the LC community but I wanted to also write and vent about it in a post. So I have recently starting to experiment with being a girl and it feels amazing to be called a girl and to be able to express myself as a girl. Unlike some others, I'm still not fully sure that is the correct step but it sure does feel this way now.
In my childhood there were many arrows that pointed to me being a girl, but there was a big one pointing towards not being one: the absence of body dysphoria. I didn't mind being a man, could live my whole live as one but I just always wanted to express myself as a girl or be treated as a girl. Especially the former I just coupled to being a crossdresser my whole life and I just gave myself that label, because "why would someone who doesn't feel shit about being a boy become a girl." But that is, I think now at least, not the correct mindset to have in this case. Of course, it is much safer if I act, behave and express as a boy but I do have the feelings that I would be happier if I could be a girl instead. And referencing the famous button test, I would definitely push the button that would turn me into a girl.
So, fast forward to the Pokepride discord where a few weeks ago I decided to come out as a CD for the first time, after people were talking about men wearing dresses. Soon after that I joined a call with Asheviere where we talked about a lot of stuff, but also about being trans and although a lot of what she mentioned was not applicable to me, I did feel jealous that she could be accepted as a girl but I couldn't. I also bought 2 skirts and 2 thighs when I met up with Aurora, Alice and Astrid and had an urge to wear them always at home, which made me really reconsider if CDing is just an act or maybe something bigger.
After this I started to follow the discussions in the discord more closely and saw that Tondas had similar feelings as me about being more feminine than we are currently are. Then one day this week ehT told us to really consider if we are not really girls and after that I started to really think about it. After a lot of reading, discussions, coming out, coming back in and coming back out I realized that I must be a girl if I want to be one. No boy would want to become a girl, even if they are crossdressers, or have very elaborate dreams about it since they were young.
There were also a few articles and lines that really stuck with me, like "If I did something really ‘girly’, it feels natural", "...the fact I'm questioning it means something, right? Maybe I'm just innately skeptical.." and "I don't live as a male because I think I am one, but it's just what I'm so accustomed to". All of these were things that I was thinking, but I just couldn't put one and one together before. I always thought trans people were people who felt they were born in the wrong body and couldn't live their lives as the assigned gender, but this isn't the case for all trans people. Some people could be happy as their assigned gender, but could be even happier if they are the other one and I'm really thinking I'm part of this group. And as I once read, "Trans folks may have a lot of dysphoria or none at all – but most will have gender euphoria", and I definitely a felt that from the first time eht called me she/her, to the first time hml called me Kim in pms and when Quote called me Kim in call yesterday.
After a lot of mental discussion over the week, I decided to come out once and for all to test the water and experiment with being a girl. I started by making a small name change to kjdaas in the pokepride server, but after a while I also wanted to see how it felt on PS! to have that name. After that I told 3 close online friends (shoutouts Sceptross, Excal and HML am) that I was really considering that and there support was heartwarming and them treating me like a girl felt amazing. After that a slightly drunk Quote kinda pushed me to come out in the LC discord, cos it is invested with LGBTQ+ people and would be a good next step. Later in the evening, I also came out to the RoA Staff, because they are my friends and deserve to learn it before the rest of the community. I thought I would be done after this for a while, because I'm afraid that this might be wrong decision in the end and don't want to have to have to make another announcement to the wider smogon community but for some strange reason I just have this feeling I should do it. I'm still not sure if I want a name change to kjdaas here as well, but it feels kinda the right to do so even if I'm just experimenting with it.
tl;dr I'm considering being a trans girl and I would prefer if people start using she, her or kim.