Wishing you the best! I know it can be hard when you can't take the steps towards transitioning that you want, just be patient and one day you'll get there!In light of some recent events, I've decided I do in fact want to write a big, in depth post about my life! Still love my previous post here, coming out in a single paragraph is definitely my style.
Hi everybody, my name is Robyn (maybe you knew me before as JediR) and I am a sixteen year old transgender girl. Unfortunately, because of various circumstances in my IRL life, I can only take small steps toward transitioning and coming out in real life for now, until those circumstances change.
Ever since I was a young kid I have had thoughts and emotions relating to my own self-image that I could never properly explain. To me, none of this really mattered throughout my early life, I was just a happy little kid who didn't care if people called her a boy or a girl. This changed significantly around the age of eleven or twelve, when puberty hit me like a ton of bricks.
As my body began to develop more and more masculine features, my mental state took a turn toward severe depression (which I now recognize as dysphoria). I stopped sleeping, I abandoned friends whom I had been close to for longer than I could remember, I simply began to do everything in my power to shelter myself, to avoid human contact, and most of all to avoid feeling anything at all. I began to hate my own body even more than ever before. I begged my mother to allow me to grow my hair long (which, despite her many prejudices and misconceptions, she luckily allowed me to do). I would cry in the shower because I hated who I was. I even went through a brief period where I would forcibly pluck out leg hairs as they came in. Ouch!
Unfortunately, at this time, I had no idea that transgender people even existed! I had no idea that there was another option, and that "everyone else" wasn't having these same feelings. And, because of this, instead of confronting my own thoughts I learned to repress all feelings relating to this. I taught myself not to cry, ever - no matter how much it hurt.
But, no matter how much I tried, the feelings never fully went away. I still, deep down, wished I were a girl. I still hated who I was slowly becoming, and at night I would still drift to sleep thinking about what my life would be like had I been born a girl. I would have dreams at night where I would see myself in a girl's body and when I woke up and was reminded that this was just a dream I would frequently be overcome with emotion.
Then, wow, I turned 13! I was COPPA legal! A whole new world opened up for me! I made new friends and joined new communities including this one! And, while I may have still fallen way too far down the rabbit hole of repression to be willing to fully accept or even consider who I truly was, I was able to slowly come to terms with bits and pieces of my identity, largely because of how accepting this community is. Thanks for that!
Fast forward to now (well, about a month ago), nearly three years after joining here, and suddenly for reasons I may never fully understand the walls of emotional repression I built up over all these years began to break. And, understandably, I was scared. But because of the supportive people and community I found here, across PS and Smogon entirely, and to a more specific degree in the PokePride discord linked in the OP of this thread and amongst the people I staff various chatrooms with on PS, I knew I would make it through okay. Thanks guys.
The day I finally gave into the emotions that I had repressed for so very long and actually spoke to (and came out to, kind of) someone about all of this was the most amazing day of my life. I had food poisoning and spent most of the day dealing with that, but I was still happier than I had ever truly been before.
From that day, I very quickly came out to the rest of PS and Smogon, and now I can truly never imagine going back to how I felt before. Feels nice to be who I really am, who would’ve thought.
So that’s my story. I hope someone takes something from it, that’s why I posted here. And if anyone else who is having feelings even remotely similar to how I felt for such a long time wants to talk to me or at me or near me or anything at all I would be more than willing to talk to or to listen to you. I might still be “new on the scene”, but it’s the least I can do to return the favor of what this community did for me.
read the damn post u lazy bum I put a lot of work into this >:(