We joke, but this will be claims made by conservatives at some point.
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- Thread starter dhelmise
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hey smogon gays
im currently in the process of finishing up my legal name & gender change - by end of day tomorrow, i should have my new drivers license and birth certificate - and altho im not really a relevant presence on this site anymore and haven't been for a very long time, i wanted to post to commemorate and celebrate that.
ive been around on ps and smogon for about 8 years now, in some form or another, starting when i was 13. ive never not been a queer kid, whether that was gay or trans. especially for those teen years i spent here. i came out as trans at 16, when i was a member of global staff, and faced a level of bullying and harassment that was absolutely horrific for someone that age to have been put through. this community has changed a lot since then, all for the better.
but i also know that things only change so much. and as wonderful as it is to see that this community still provides a safe and welcoming space for younger queers in difficult positions trying to figure out what life will hold, like i was, i also know that sometimes the internet is a terrible place to be. and still other times, it feels like the only place you'll ever get to Really Be. being queer, especially trans, and on the internet at 15, 16, 14, 17... is confusing, difficult, scary, dangerous... it's hard
so this is what im here to say:
Hi, my name is, now even legally, Robyn Vivian [last name], I'm a 21 year old transsexual woman, in every aspect of my life. I was a Smogon kid, a PS administrator at 17. Smogon was the first place I ever got to be myself, and for a time I thought it might be the only place I would ever. It wasn't, I made it out the other end, and so can You. Things may be hard for a time, they may get harder, but keep those eyes on that light on the horizon and keep on walkin' towards it, one step at a time. And if you're trans like me then get on HRT as soon as you get the chance, and make that young adult life whatever you want it to be - when you get there, you'll know. trust the process and hack your biochemistry .
im currently in the process of finishing up my legal name & gender change - by end of day tomorrow, i should have my new drivers license and birth certificate - and altho im not really a relevant presence on this site anymore and haven't been for a very long time, i wanted to post to commemorate and celebrate that.
ive been around on ps and smogon for about 8 years now, in some form or another, starting when i was 13. ive never not been a queer kid, whether that was gay or trans. especially for those teen years i spent here. i came out as trans at 16, when i was a member of global staff, and faced a level of bullying and harassment that was absolutely horrific for someone that age to have been put through. this community has changed a lot since then, all for the better.
but i also know that things only change so much. and as wonderful as it is to see that this community still provides a safe and welcoming space for younger queers in difficult positions trying to figure out what life will hold, like i was, i also know that sometimes the internet is a terrible place to be. and still other times, it feels like the only place you'll ever get to Really Be. being queer, especially trans, and on the internet at 15, 16, 14, 17... is confusing, difficult, scary, dangerous... it's hard
so this is what im here to say:
Hi, my name is, now even legally, Robyn Vivian [last name], I'm a 21 year old transsexual woman, in every aspect of my life. I was a Smogon kid, a PS administrator at 17. Smogon was the first place I ever got to be myself, and for a time I thought it might be the only place I would ever. It wasn't, I made it out the other end, and so can You. Things may be hard for a time, they may get harder, but keep those eyes on that light on the horizon and keep on walkin' towards it, one step at a time. And if you're trans like me then get on HRT as soon as you get the chance, and make that young adult life whatever you want it to be - when you get there, you'll know. trust the process and hack your biochemistry .
I feel kinda weird posting here bc I never really had a "coming out" moment. I just slowly incurred the woke mind virus like that "beware the pipeline" meme. Being trans is really hard in Florida, especially when I can't find a job because of it to finance my transiton. I've been on and off HRT for months now, never able to get a steady supply of it whether it's because my funds run too low or the DIY site I'm forced to turn to is out of stock, it's always something. I haven't really been "hate-crimed" because I'm lucky enough to pass (I think) but finding a job is still nearly impossible without applying under my deadname which I think would be worse for my mental health than just being homeless. Despite all this, I'm happier than I've ever been. I love being Ashley, I love being a girl, and I love my body. I fear for the direction this country is headed in and have no real plans for the future but I love you all and wish nothing but the best for all you [BAN ME PLEASE]'s.
hell yea
This is less of a talking about something positive that happened to me and more so a vent on my end so be aware of that before reading on. I'm probably in the middle of a panic attack while writing this, so decided to vent about all my feelings on myself and my life to help cope and calm myself with that a bit. potential TW, Idk for what though, I'm writing this before I have all of my thoughts in mind.
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I'm not going to lie; it's really fucking hard being transgender. For those who don't know me well, let me introduce myself and a bit about my life; My name is Bella, although some of my closer friends call me Leah too, and i don't really mind when people call me both, Leah is my middle name after all. I'm a 16 year old mixed race (I'm half Mexican from my dad and half Filipino from my mom) transfem girl living in Colorado, which I'm really happy for as its such a safe state for me and other queer folk to live in and i really like it here. Unfortunately, God gave me a middle finger with having a pastor for a dad and a religiously insane mom, which is another thing people know about me.
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I feel like a lot of times for me, its hard to feel like a girl and even try to imagine myself as one. I wake up in the morning and I don't see a girl in the mirror. I see a guy lying to himself and all of my imperfections and... that hurts. It makes me cry and continue to hurt myself inside and outside, physically and mentally. Even in times i can express my femineity, i still don't really feel like a girl at all. I just see myself in the mirror or in the camera on my phone, and even though there is someone who looks like a girl looking back at me..... I don't think it is me. It can't be me. The world tells me I will never and can never be a girl, and that fact just stays in the back of my mind despite what I do to not have thoughts like that and that puts me in such a strange form of a mix of dysphoria and a panic attack at the same time.
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In another life, maybe I would get support from my family and get some real help with all this dysphoria that I constantly feel in varying stages. Unfortunately, the world does not give me that hope. My Dad is a pastor and works at a particular very anti LGBTQ Christian organization that actively tries to limit the rights of people like me and calls us a "particularly evil lie of Satan" (for obvious reasons, I will not say the name of the org, but if you know a bit about where i live, you can infer what Christian Organization i am talking about.) Even though he does not and will never not know about my queerness, it feels like a betrayal to have my dad, a person I thought people were supposed to trust, just.... not be able to help and understand my feelings about myself without threatening to kick me out. My mom is the same, but worse. She's one of those ultra MAGA trump people, and one of those "the gays are grooming our children people!!!" too. It's really awkward when she tries to talk about how trans women are pedophiles or something like that to me, especially because I am that. She is calling her child a groomer, sexual pest, etc. Just... I don't know how to feel about them. I thought parents were supposed to love, and yet, despite that, my parents just don't seem to do that to me. They don't care about my wellbeing and just tell me to pray it off when something goes bad and pick up all the shit my sisters do. I just wish I could get out of my situation, although I know that reality is for me is that I'll have to watch over my parents forever. It sucks, especially when I see so many other of my minor trans friends have parents who support them and guide them. That probably comes from jealously, since I don't have experiences like that with my parents, or really any experience with them really...
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It does not help that being a queer kid in a relatively conservative city and school make's it really hard to make friends. I feel awkward trying to make friends who are girls, because I don't look like a girl, nor do i dress like one or even act like one much either. I want to make friends who are girls and supportive since I feel like that could help validate my gender identity, but people just see me as some perverted guy, which I'm not and that does not help my mental state and the constant feeling that I'm lying to myself. Talking and trying to make friends who are guys does not help either at all. I don't want to lie to people about who I am to make friends. I want to make friends and be myself with them and around them at the same time. If I can't do that, what's the point. I've accepted at this point that until I can present myself as a girl both socially and physically, there is no point in trying to start meaningful relationships with anyone in real life.
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In spite of everything, I still want to be Bella and still be a girl. I may not like anything about myself atm, nor am I happy, but at the end of the day, it's the hope that one day I can be myself and be the girl I want to be that keeps me going. Plus, if it was not for all the friends and connections I've made from this website, I don't think I would even be alive today. The constant hope that there will be a day that a stranger will she me in public or the hope that a kid will come up today and say "miss, I think you are very pretty" or something like that is the drive to keep on pushing and keep on being... well, me.
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I'm sorry if this writing is a bit all over the fucking place. I was writing this from the heart, and I was just rambling. If anyone wants to give me some advice on what to do in my situation, that would probably be nice. Don't feel pressed to though.
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I'm not going to lie; it's really fucking hard being transgender. For those who don't know me well, let me introduce myself and a bit about my life; My name is Bella, although some of my closer friends call me Leah too, and i don't really mind when people call me both, Leah is my middle name after all. I'm a 16 year old mixed race (I'm half Mexican from my dad and half Filipino from my mom) transfem girl living in Colorado, which I'm really happy for as its such a safe state for me and other queer folk to live in and i really like it here. Unfortunately, God gave me a middle finger with having a pastor for a dad and a religiously insane mom, which is another thing people know about me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like a lot of times for me, its hard to feel like a girl and even try to imagine myself as one. I wake up in the morning and I don't see a girl in the mirror. I see a guy lying to himself and all of my imperfections and... that hurts. It makes me cry and continue to hurt myself inside and outside, physically and mentally. Even in times i can express my femineity, i still don't really feel like a girl at all. I just see myself in the mirror or in the camera on my phone, and even though there is someone who looks like a girl looking back at me..... I don't think it is me. It can't be me. The world tells me I will never and can never be a girl, and that fact just stays in the back of my mind despite what I do to not have thoughts like that and that puts me in such a strange form of a mix of dysphoria and a panic attack at the same time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In another life, maybe I would get support from my family and get some real help with all this dysphoria that I constantly feel in varying stages. Unfortunately, the world does not give me that hope. My Dad is a pastor and works at a particular very anti LGBTQ Christian organization that actively tries to limit the rights of people like me and calls us a "particularly evil lie of Satan" (for obvious reasons, I will not say the name of the org, but if you know a bit about where i live, you can infer what Christian Organization i am talking about.) Even though he does not and will never not know about my queerness, it feels like a betrayal to have my dad, a person I thought people were supposed to trust, just.... not be able to help and understand my feelings about myself without threatening to kick me out. My mom is the same, but worse. She's one of those ultra MAGA trump people, and one of those "the gays are grooming our children people!!!" too. It's really awkward when she tries to talk about how trans women are pedophiles or something like that to me, especially because I am that. She is calling her child a groomer, sexual pest, etc. Just... I don't know how to feel about them. I thought parents were supposed to love, and yet, despite that, my parents just don't seem to do that to me. They don't care about my wellbeing and just tell me to pray it off when something goes bad and pick up all the shit my sisters do. I just wish I could get out of my situation, although I know that reality is for me is that I'll have to watch over my parents forever. It sucks, especially when I see so many other of my minor trans friends have parents who support them and guide them. That probably comes from jealously, since I don't have experiences like that with my parents, or really any experience with them really...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It does not help that being a queer kid in a relatively conservative city and school make's it really hard to make friends. I feel awkward trying to make friends who are girls, because I don't look like a girl, nor do i dress like one or even act like one much either. I want to make friends who are girls and supportive since I feel like that could help validate my gender identity, but people just see me as some perverted guy, which I'm not and that does not help my mental state and the constant feeling that I'm lying to myself. Talking and trying to make friends who are guys does not help either at all. I don't want to lie to people about who I am to make friends. I want to make friends and be myself with them and around them at the same time. If I can't do that, what's the point. I've accepted at this point that until I can present myself as a girl both socially and physically, there is no point in trying to start meaningful relationships with anyone in real life.
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In spite of everything, I still want to be Bella and still be a girl. I may not like anything about myself atm, nor am I happy, but at the end of the day, it's the hope that one day I can be myself and be the girl I want to be that keeps me going. Plus, if it was not for all the friends and connections I've made from this website, I don't think I would even be alive today. The constant hope that there will be a day that a stranger will she me in public or the hope that a kid will come up today and say "miss, I think you are very pretty" or something like that is the drive to keep on pushing and keep on being... well, me.
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I'm sorry if this writing is a bit all over the fucking place. I was writing this from the heart, and I was just rambling. If anyone wants to give me some advice on what to do in my situation, that would probably be nice. Don't feel pressed to though.
Realistically, it’s going to be hard until you’re 18, and have some form of bodily autonomy. My biggest suggestion would be saving up some money so that you can afford moving out, and start looking for jobs in places that are accessible for transgender healthcare. If you’re planning on going to college, then you might have to wait until you’re 21, unless you’re in a position where you can pay for school yourself. Not going to lie, it’s going to be really fucking hard for you, and you might lose some people in your life, but you can’t choose your birth family. You can however choose the people around you that support you and love you for who you are.
I will say, I had people that I thought were going to be vehemently against me for being myself, and when I came out, they’ve been nothing but supportive. Sometimes, the boogeyman is there because they don’t actually know anyone who is trans or is like that, and things change once that someone enters their life. If you need someone to ask about hormones or anything, please feel free to reach out.
hi, she/her still.hi, she/her now
wahee!Been a few months since I realized I was a girl. Since then I've taken 186 estrogen pills, decided on a name I love, shared who I was with those closest to me, and have been the happiest I've ever been. I can't overstate how much medically transitioning has helped me mentally, this shit has literally done more for me in 2 months than 2 years of antidepressants. It's such a scary hurdle to overcome, deciding to start hrt, since literally everyone around you will discourage you from it. They'll tell you things are irreversible, that you'll regret it, that there are side effects, etc. All bullshit coming from people who don't want to see you change, and may not even want to see you be happy. Grey-market estrogen is so absurdly easy to access that if you're seriously wanting it and you have the means to, there is literally no reason for you not to start hrt right now. Literally every day has been a marvel and a rollercoaster since I started E. Waking up to take my pills in the morning and reminding my partner to take hers. Noticing the changes in my mind and body week-by-week. Crying in the bathroom mirror, not from dysphoria, but from the slow burn of finally loving myself. Trying new clothes, hearing my name be used, everything about it is a more meaningful satisfaction than anything I've ever felt, and is deeply cathartic after years of repressing it all. Above all else, I'm blessed to share my transition with Stories, who's been such an amazing presence in my life that it's hard to put into words. Every night I fall asleep with her, writing love-letter emails to each other, voice training with her, every laugh and every cry and everything we do together layers purpose on my life that I never knew I needed. Everything in my life feels so secure and fulfilling and perfect that it wraps back around to being overwhelming, and I love it. I love myself, I love my girlfriend, and I love being May.
awawawawa
from uppa
Hello smogon users <3,
I'm actually in a complicated situation and I'd like your advice. I'm not sure of my sexual orientation and it's very confusing for me. I'm exploring my feelings and I think I might be attracted to the same sex (male).The problem is that I come from a very traditional Muslim family and I'm afraid of how they'll react if I tell them. I don't know how to broach the subject with them, or even if I should.
Do you have any advice to help me better understand what I'm feeling and how I could possibly talk to my family about it? Are there any steps I can take to prepare for this discussion, or any resources that might help me?
Thx a lot :)
I'm actually in a complicated situation and I'd like your advice. I'm not sure of my sexual orientation and it's very confusing for me. I'm exploring my feelings and I think I might be attracted to the same sex (male).The problem is that I come from a very traditional Muslim family and I'm afraid of how they'll react if I tell them. I don't know how to broach the subject with them, or even if I should.
Do you have any advice to help me better understand what I'm feeling and how I could possibly talk to my family about it? Are there any steps I can take to prepare for this discussion, or any resources that might help me?
Thx a lot :)
Similar situation here - when I originally realized that I was queer, I wasn't sure how to tell my family. It took me years to watch them carefully and determine how they'd react - the nail in the coffin was when my dad broke a plate over a lesbian family friend getting married to another woman (like, how did he think that'd go? Dumbass). That's when I realized I couldn't tell them at the time - and the funny part is I was completely fine with that. I made the decision that if I was gonna tell them, I was gonna wait until I was financially independent and moved away so that if their reaction was poor, I would be physically and financially safe.
The thing is, I don't plan on telling them right now. I'm actually making the choice to go no contact soon. Reason why is if I know they're gonna have difficulty accepting me and cause me grief over something I can't control, it isn't worth it. Blood's not the end all be all of everything, and I have people in my life that I know will support me regardless of who I marry (one of my best friends gets the most unhinged messages about how much I want the dude I currently like, honestly feel bad for them). I didn't make that decision lightly, though. It took me YEARS to have the balls to make that decision, but not everybody has the privilege of being born with the family they're gonna walk through life with.
I'm not saying that your situation will be identical to mine - but whatever decision you do make, I heavily advise being tactical about it. Once you come out to someone, you can't reverse that, so it's a good idea to make sure that any potential adverse consequences are minimized.
I'm sorry if this wasn't the response you were looking for, by the way. I'd love to tell you that it'll be okay for sure, but I know nothing about your parents, you, or your relationship with them and it isn't really my place to pry either.
People who say "Blood is thicker than water." have no idea what they are talking about. The original quote is actually “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” I have the belief that where you come from is of no importance. If your "family" will hate you because of this, then they have no right to call themself their family. That isn't to say that your relationship with them is unsalvageable, but you need to ask yourself if they are the type of people you would make friends with. If the answer is no, then you have no reason to keep attachments to them. I'm all for redemption, but that is under the assumption that you aren't putting yourself at risk. Stay safe out there.
my voice dropped again today and my mental health has gone from some of the best it’s ever been after realizing that I was trans in april to the genuine bottom of the mariana trench, there are no words to explain how genuinly horrendous I feel and I wish I could just tell my family already so this nightmare can finally end
it happened again I had just gotten it back to a point I was comfortable with why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
my mental health is rapidly deteriorating I need to do something but I can’t bring myself to do it
Edit: I bit the bullet and came out to my parents earlier today after having a complete mental collapse yesterday, they’re accepting which has made me feel a lot better but my mental health is still not doing well, I also seem to have gotten covid which sucks but it’s only going get better from here and that’s what counts
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I used to be homophobic and trans phobic. Now I am not. Meeting more and more people changed my mind. Even though I am a strict straight male myself, i say do whatever you want as long as it's not destroying peoples lives. I am really happy that I got over my homophobia for a better self
hi.
i always sucked at writing intros so i just wanna say i'm writing this for two reasons: so i can put my many, many thoughts down on paper, and because i feel like i owe this community an explanation for changing basically my entire identity without any notice or reasoning. sorry if a lot of this is incomprehensible or not well put together, i'm mostly just barfing stuff onto the paper rn.
p.s if anyone outside of smogon sees this and realizes who i am i'd very much appreciate it if you brought it up with me privately and didn't tell anyone until i was ok with it
i always sucked at writing intros so i just wanna say i'm writing this for two reasons: so i can put my many, many thoughts down on paper, and because i feel like i owe this community an explanation for changing basically my entire identity without any notice or reasoning. sorry if a lot of this is incomprehensible or not well put together, i'm mostly just barfing stuff onto the paper rn.
i think the first time i had a inkling i wasn't cishet was when i played xc2 and pulled floren for the first time. i was 15 at the time and the only other experience i had with non-platonic affection was with my middle school crush, but the moment i saw him and how he acted he was just so cute to me. looking back i clearly had a crush on him...but i also thought floren was female. i had very little concept of how the gender binary worked so i just assumed he was just a girl with short hair, and i never got to the part of his blade quest where he revealed he was a guy. so when i learned a year later he was male, it came as a shock to me. unfortunately, my reaction was to bury those feelings deep down and never truly acknowledge them.
fast forward to summer 2023. i had just gotten fe engage, started playing, and almost immediately against i was floored by how cute rosado was. it got to the point when they started using gender-neutral pronouns for rosado i was praying they ended up being female, but later on it was revealed rosado was male. i was about to do the same thing i did with floren and simply never acknowledge them, but here i was older with more insight on lgbt+ matters and started to have some self introspection on the matter before eventually coming to the conclusion i was bi (later on i thought about it some more and found out what being gyneromantic was and i feel like that label fits me a lot better) (also i say gyneromatic and not gynesexual because i've never really felt sexual attraction towards anyone which made high school very weird).
as for gender, looking back my feelings towards it have existed as long as i've been on the internet, ever since my very first days on other sites. i hated gender norms, thinking that they were stupid and dumb and made very little sense in a modern world, but also i purposefully hid my gender online for a long time until people figured it our or asked me. at first i rationalized it away as me not wanting to me doxxed or judged, and that was part of it, but i also wanted to be androgynous on the internet. i felt like that lack of an identity offered me freedom to do stuff without being judged one way or the other, and above all it just let me be...myself. the rosado thing above also led me to experiment more on this site with my gender identity, first to they/he (with the emphasis on they) and now currently to any pronouns with they/them preferred, which i'm really comfortable with rn and i feel like that fits me the best.
to be honest i've been following this thread and the previous one for quite a while, and i have felt this way for at least a year, but a major reason i delayed posting here was cause what if these feelings were fake? i kept seeing people coming out saying stuff like "i had a crush on a guy/girl for a while that i just hid away" or "i realized i was trans when i was 5 years old and didn't feel comfortable in my body" and my experience compared to them didn't feel real, and i still have doubts about whether these feelings and thoughts i have are real (in fact i'm having them rn, wondering if making and releasing this post is a good idea) because how i found out was through video games, and not irl experiences like so many other people have had. i don't want to come out to anyone irl or socially transition either like ever, even though my ultimate dream would be to be androgynous irl as well, because of these doubts, cause what if tomorrow i decide i'm actually not all of this and regret everything? it hasn't happened yet, but it could happen at any point, and that it might scares me too much, even it if never does happen for the rest of my life. but the fact i'm making this post means that i'm at least confident in my current self, so i guess that's something.
so yeah that's pretty much everything. i also suck at conclusions so thanks for taking your time and reading this! it's very hard to be vulnerable on the internet and i don't know how some people do it, but hopefully i was able to get my thoughts out there in an understandable manner.
fast forward to summer 2023. i had just gotten fe engage, started playing, and almost immediately against i was floored by how cute rosado was. it got to the point when they started using gender-neutral pronouns for rosado i was praying they ended up being female, but later on it was revealed rosado was male. i was about to do the same thing i did with floren and simply never acknowledge them, but here i was older with more insight on lgbt+ matters and started to have some self introspection on the matter before eventually coming to the conclusion i was bi (later on i thought about it some more and found out what being gyneromantic was and i feel like that label fits me a lot better) (also i say gyneromatic and not gynesexual because i've never really felt sexual attraction towards anyone which made high school very weird).
as for gender, looking back my feelings towards it have existed as long as i've been on the internet, ever since my very first days on other sites. i hated gender norms, thinking that they were stupid and dumb and made very little sense in a modern world, but also i purposefully hid my gender online for a long time until people figured it our or asked me. at first i rationalized it away as me not wanting to me doxxed or judged, and that was part of it, but i also wanted to be androgynous on the internet. i felt like that lack of an identity offered me freedom to do stuff without being judged one way or the other, and above all it just let me be...myself. the rosado thing above also led me to experiment more on this site with my gender identity, first to they/he (with the emphasis on they) and now currently to any pronouns with they/them preferred, which i'm really comfortable with rn and i feel like that fits me the best.
to be honest i've been following this thread and the previous one for quite a while, and i have felt this way for at least a year, but a major reason i delayed posting here was cause what if these feelings were fake? i kept seeing people coming out saying stuff like "i had a crush on a guy/girl for a while that i just hid away" or "i realized i was trans when i was 5 years old and didn't feel comfortable in my body" and my experience compared to them didn't feel real, and i still have doubts about whether these feelings and thoughts i have are real (in fact i'm having them rn, wondering if making and releasing this post is a good idea) because how i found out was through video games, and not irl experiences like so many other people have had. i don't want to come out to anyone irl or socially transition either like ever, even though my ultimate dream would be to be androgynous irl as well, because of these doubts, cause what if tomorrow i decide i'm actually not all of this and regret everything? it hasn't happened yet, but it could happen at any point, and that it might scares me too much, even it if never does happen for the rest of my life. but the fact i'm making this post means that i'm at least confident in my current self, so i guess that's something.
so yeah that's pretty much everything. i also suck at conclusions so thanks for taking your time and reading this! it's very hard to be vulnerable on the internet and i don't know how some people do it, but hopefully i was able to get my thoughts out there in an understandable manner.
p.s if anyone outside of smogon sees this and realizes who i am i'd very much appreciate it if you brought it up with me privately and didn't tell anyone until i was ok with it
I feel for you and can relate to your situation. If you still live with them, I say keep it hidden overall for your safety. However, when you can provide for yourself (and if you want to), you can bring it up in whatever way you like (or not at all and just bring your partner and act as you wish). Obviously, hiding your romantic relationship may be beneficial for your relationship with your parents, but if you'd rather not, simply don't. This can be a strain on both you and your partner. Depending on how important this part of your life is to you, which I assume is quite a bit, it can be difficult to take in, but if your parents aren't accepting of that part of you, so much so they don't care for, or about, you anymore, then it's best for your sake that you leave them completely. I know I would hate to live a life in which I couldn't fully enjoy myself in front of, or with, those I care about. Here's to making it out well, though; fingers crossed.
CW: physical/verbal abuse, transphobia, suicidal thoughts, nsfw mentions
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Hi I’m cheru or Jasmine, a 19 year old trans girl from Illinois. I’ve already had a post before about my sexuality a few years ago, so I’ve know about being queer for the past few years. I recently came out as trans in late March to PokePride, and I have really felt at peace with myself knowing that I know my identity for myself after not knowing for nearly 7 years now. The problem as been that my parents have never been good about LGBTQ issues at all. In fact, my life and wellbeing has frankly been flipped up on its head for the past year or so, but it just went completely off the rails since July. These past 2 months have been the most stressful, anxious, and just plain depressing months of my life that I can remember. After being forcibly outed by my mom as being Jasmine to my father, it’s just been constant bombardments from my parents while feeling completely powerless even though I am legally an adult. Just a feeling of not knowing what to do, just being dictated by the will and emotions of my father and being a little puppet, wishing to have some sort of autonomy taken back into my life. Before I start off my whole confessional, I love you guys so much. Without you guys from PokePride. You wouldn’t be hearing from me at all if it weren’t around and would have given up on myself and life if I hadn’t had the knowledge that people actually care about people no matter how messed up their life seems to be. Major shoutout to my closest people I know/my gc that I was invited to. Amity Bella DerpySuX Glimmer Gimmicky Meister Rae Stories uppa Wifi. You guys are all such incredible people and I’m glad to have shared these past few months together before everything happened with me. Offering emotionally/financially even if I haven’t accepted yet. It’s just not in my control as of now, but please be willing to still be there for me. I can’t survive without the knowledge of knowing that you guys will be have my back no matter what, not expecting anything back. I can’t express how much you guys mean and how much I love every one of you. Also as well as my UU buddies haxlolo Slip Lily vivalospride avarice Bouff DAWNBUSTER BeeOrSomething Celebiii Estarossa frankjosh Monky25 spell Totomon thsnks for welcoming me into the community and letting me thrive with such great and funny people.
I frankly just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t deal with my father anymore, but abandoning my little brothers is something I don’t want for them or myself either. I just need to make sure I find the right person to tell and fully accept myself in. A new job would also help so much. I know I am not alone but it feels so hard when your entire wellbeing is trapped without money and good support in this world.
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Hi I’m cheru or Jasmine, a 19 year old trans girl from Illinois. I’ve already had a post before about my sexuality a few years ago, so I’ve know about being queer for the past few years. I recently came out as trans in late March to PokePride, and I have really felt at peace with myself knowing that I know my identity for myself after not knowing for nearly 7 years now. The problem as been that my parents have never been good about LGBTQ issues at all. In fact, my life and wellbeing has frankly been flipped up on its head for the past year or so, but it just went completely off the rails since July. These past 2 months have been the most stressful, anxious, and just plain depressing months of my life that I can remember. After being forcibly outed by my mom as being Jasmine to my father, it’s just been constant bombardments from my parents while feeling completely powerless even though I am legally an adult. Just a feeling of not knowing what to do, just being dictated by the will and emotions of my father and being a little puppet, wishing to have some sort of autonomy taken back into my life. Before I start off my whole confessional, I love you guys so much. Without you guys from PokePride. You wouldn’t be hearing from me at all if it weren’t around and would have given up on myself and life if I hadn’t had the knowledge that people actually care about people no matter how messed up their life seems to be. Major shoutout to my closest people I know/my gc that I was invited to. Amity Bella DerpySuX Glimmer Gimmicky Meister Rae Stories uppa Wifi. You guys are all such incredible people and I’m glad to have shared these past few months together before everything happened with me. Offering emotionally/financially even if I haven’t accepted yet. It’s just not in my control as of now, but please be willing to still be there for me. I can’t survive without the knowledge of knowing that you guys will be have my back no matter what, not expecting anything back. I can’t express how much you guys mean and how much I love every one of you. Also as well as my UU buddies haxlolo Slip Lily vivalospride avarice Bouff DAWNBUSTER BeeOrSomething Celebiii Estarossa frankjosh Monky25 spell Totomon thsnks for welcoming me into the community and letting me thrive with such great and funny people.
When I remember first playing video games, I don’t know why but I always felt like I liked the girl characters more. Obviously I’m just a kid and don’t know, but one memory has just stuck in my head. I was around 7 and my parents recently purchased an Xbox 360 as a family gaming thing so we could connect with me, my brother and parents. I was playing Kinect Adventures with my brother, and my mom noticed that I had picked the girl character. She was questioning myself as why I picked it. I couldn’t even explain it but I just felt like the girl character fit me. When I also first found out about anime through SAO, another thing that stuck with me was one guy picking a girl character even though it was just VR. It made me realize that I could actually still have myself look like a girl even though I wasn’t one. There I also increasingly found myself liking the female characters of the shows I’d watch. I guess I thought it was normal for myself to see the cool things in them but what cis guy even thinks like that LOL. Once I got a phone and had social media, I started using girl characters as pfps, and used the girl characters when I could in games like Fortnite, Smash and even picking the girl for the first time in a pokemon game. I liked that about me, even if people thought it was weird, which also socially isolated me. I’ve known I was at least bi in some sort since like 13, but I couldn’t be out cause I would be seen as weird to basically everyone around me, so it just kept me stuck. Speaking of being socially isolated, I have really felt like that since 6th grade. Elementary school was super fun since I was really easy to hang with and was just outgoing. The only problem was that i didn’t talk with those people outside of school, so that wasn’t as easy to deal with, and I started dealing with those consequences around middle school. There people were already having cliques with people I didn’t even know, and it was super hard to be outgoing to them. It didn’t help that they would start bullying me, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. This caused me to end up at a new, Christian, private school. There, it somehow was worse because of the small size. Like K-12 had like 50 students in total, so anything would spread around very quickly, and I was sadly at the short end of the stick. I wrote some love letter to a girl there, and made the mistake of writing my name on it. The girl found it and told basically the whole school, and they made fun of me for it. People would end up spreading rumors about me being a creep after, saying that I slapped the girl’s butt, when I never did anything, and they just stayed away from me. Even when I joined the basketball team, they made a separate gc without me and pretend to talk in there occasionally to pretend that they didn’t do it. I really internalized myself as the problem after it, starting to get really anxious and depressed afterwards. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go to that school for high school, but that meant moving again to a way bigger school, barely knowing anyone at all. I hardly remember my freshman year much, but I really only have one memory. I wrote some concerning note in English class, saying that I wanted to kill myself and got sent to the counselor. This was when I felt like I just kept everything to myself, not letting people know what was going on, cause it was too embarrassing for people to know that I’m not mentally stable. At least I made one irl that I still have to this day so I’m grateful for her. That sadly was also the Covid year too, so I wasn’t even close to anyone there, so I was just trapped in my house, completely losing myself cause I had no one essentially besides my family. I ballooned in weight, making me just hate myself more and more, as I just felt like a failure more and more. I ended up going to some hybrid instead of staying fully there during sophomore year, but in some classes I was literally the only guy there, so I was even more alone. During my last two years I kinda talked with more people, but my grades started to slip as I just wanted it all to be over. That was sadly a horrible mistake, cause that caused me to not end up going to college easily, cause my dad would no longer be willing to accept this. So I now basically had to work with his business that he didn’t even want me to join because he knew it sucked for any kid to join. But I ended up graduating, but on the final day of senior year, my grandma passed. She had been extremely sick for the past 12 years, and we knew it was coming, but it was literally the day after Mother’s Day, and my mother completely broke. She lost part of herself, and didn’t frankly know how to cope. That just ruined my entire connection that I had with her. I miss my Grema and I know she would have been on my side now.
Around Memorial Day, I made a mistake with my little brother, not fully closing the high chair and he fell. He was fine but my dad was yelling at me very badly and I panicked, just grabbing his leg so he couldn’t do anything to me, and he smacked me in the back of the head with an avocado oil bottle and I had to go to the ER. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but that was completely uncalled for, and I saw the two faced nature of himself. I guess it didn’t help that I was beginning to question my gender identity as well I started working with him shortly after, and it was just horrible. I had trouble understanding all the techniques he had spent 20+ years honing in, but he has no patience whatsoever, and just resorted to screaming in my face or smacking me. I ended up learning things eventually but he just wanted everything fully ready right away, and he’s still like this. At the end of August 2023, I finally told someone I was bi, but it was basically to the worst guy I could have, my dad. He was constantly questioning me and asking me degrading questions over and over again, and I just shut everything down. They eventually put me in some therapy, but my dad would constantly control what I said to the therapist, so I couldn’t open up truly, cause he constantly controlled it from the outside. Around last November, I made an alt on Discord that didn’t join any servers or have any friends on, but I made the display name as Jasmine with she/her pronouns. For some reason that gave me a little bit of euphoria, and a slight affirmation. The little mistake I did was charge my Chromebook downstairs to charge, and my mom went snooping through my account just because. She found it and started to question me on it. I somehow managed to avoid actually admitting anything through it, just saying it was some joke account. Finally I accepted myself as Jasmine in late March 2024, and a huge burden within myself was lifted off. I was talking with others more and actually talking with others on social media, but I was still closeted IRL. Fast forward to around July, my mom starts snooping through my discord to see that I was messaging one of my friends, talking about how she has gotten a lot more conservative lately, and that I called her “churchified.” She took that completely off the rails, because after my grandmother’s passing, she found the church as sort of a second home. They would now be the people she would talk with instead of her mom. And because I have my two younger brothers, she has been far more overprotective of them, not wanting any LGBTQ influence on them. Since then, she has been calling herself a failure for even giving me a phone at 13, and is blaming herself for my actions that I do even as an adult. She has said I will never be able to see my little brothers until they know what I am if I am to proceed with the transition fully, just having to say that I died or something, which is arguably even worse than just admitting that their older brother is now their sister. My mom wanted to tell my father, but my oldest brother was about to turn 17 and she didn’t want to ruin it. But on Friday 19th of July, I was outed to my dad and my life fell apart.
During the time my mom revealed, there was just a growing rage I saw in my dad’s eyes, then he snapped. He then started smacking me again and saying that what I felt was stupid and not even real, saying that being trans is a mental disability that can be fixed. He offered to pay my rent for 6 months if I didn’t want to stay in the house, but I felt gaslit to staying because I didn’t want my little brothers abandoned just yet. They decided to take my phone, going through messages that I said with friends. He found out the messages that my mom said, and told me that if he had found out the messages my mom was talking about. He said that if he found it earlier, he would have kicked me out if he found out earlier. He called all of my friends stupid, worms, pieces of shit, groomers, and basically everything I know they aren’t. They would even go and reply to others who even cared for me and respond for them. They would reply as me saying that “my parents appreciate me and are caring for me.” They would talk with one certain person and say that they want to show how one of my friends is broken and that me being away will somehow not make her trans (literally wtf). And the offer of finding a place for myself went away as well. I had my chance and it was gone as well. During that time, they decided to seek out any sort of therapy that would “help me.” But the catch is that they didn’t want any “gender affirming” ones because it was all a lie anyway according to them. They eventually found the “Christian Counseling Network” to show why being trans is wrong and whatnot. Instead of trying to understand me, they want to fix me at every opportunity they can, always that it’s not real and that the internet corrupted my brain. They eventually found some older guy who even gave my mother the book called “Irreversible Damage” which is just a blatantly anti-trans book, that he just takes word for word, and no my mother does. We eventually got in full contact with him, now saying that I got rapid-onset gender dysphoria, and apparently me watching p*rn is now the reason my brain was confused. We eventually saw him all the way in Florida. According to my dad it was to basically have him say that all that I think of is trans people and “the ideology was implanted into my brain by those idiot losers.” I somehow managed to talk him about how my depression and anxiety, and he feels my pain in my soul, but is basically just saying that I just need to follow with what God made me. God made my soul, but I know I am in the wrong body. It’s not something that I want to live with. After the weekend talking with him, my mom told me that she wanted me to work on myself for at least a year just staying as my deadname. I know she wants the best for me, but I don’t want to live as the lie that I am. Trying to force myself as not Jasmine isn’t gonna help me focus more on other things. I somehow got my phone back, but without discord and twitter, so I can’t access the people I knew. After I got back, my dad has just completely lost it. A few weeks ago, he literally flicked me off in front of the other workers and clients, because I messed up. He keeps talking down on why I don’t work on myself, but he keeps not only insulting me, but he keeps going onto my mother as he’s done for nearly 2 decades now, but even my 17 year old brother, which he has somehow pushed back again. He keeps blaming my mother for all the faults with me, but he doesn’t know how to criticize people without going straight to insults. I know what I need to do, but I don’t want to be homeless since he wants nothing to do with me anymore.
i love you lots jasmine, my offer to help you look around the area for an affordable place or another job is always always gonna be on the table and i can't wait to have you back with us fully. we've saved a spot in the gc just for you as soon as you're able to come back to us. stay strong and know that you're so loved by so many people no matter what <3, you know where/how to reach me if you need anything
I feel ashamed to have such accepting parents when I read some of the things all of you are going through, I hope things get better for you people :(
You shouldn't be ashamed to not go through suffering. Rather, you should strive to make your experience more common. We must not rest until sad stories like these are no longer told.
I actually can relate a bit myself to Jasmine's story; I hope you get through well. And, that off-hand comment on cis men and women characters, as a gay cis dude, I’d just like to say I enjoy playing with female characters.
Also, I’m unsure exactly by what means you are blocked from Discord, but maybe https://discord.do/web/ can help; I know it let me work through stuff. Anyways, stay safe and love yourself.
Also, I’m unsure exactly by what means you are blocked from Discord, but maybe https://discord.do/web/ can help; I know it let me work through stuff. Anyways, stay safe and love yourself.
As someone who used to be homophobic but is tolerant to LGBTQ now, i can say that my journey getting out of homophobia was one of self improvement and kindness to all. I grew up in India, and LGBTQ is pretty much non existent here and speaking about it is taboo. So naturally I first discovered LGBTQ on the internet. To be honest, i was confused and a bit disgusted. So i wanted to learn more about what LGBTQ people were like, so I saw more content about them online. Sadly, all my sources were homophobic so I too became homophobic. The internet taught me "LGBTQ people are destroying society" and i believed it because I did not know much. But I slowly started losing my homophobia when I watched a sitcom where there were gay people, and they were pretty normal and good, so i thought, "Maybe gay people aren't as bad as i thought". With a little more convincing and hearing opinions of other people, i lost my homophobia. Losing Transphobia took more time, but currently I am happy to say I could abandon my conservative ego to accept all people and spread the message of kindness
Edit: I feel like homophobia comes from toxic masculinity, since most homophobic people are guys, including me in the past. The scariest thing is homophobic content generally targets very young males or old conservative males, which is also the main target of toxic masculinity. My personal belief is no matter your gender, you must be kind, maybe strong(if you can. If you cannot, just be happy with yourself) and help everyone. Also another thing, my religion Hinduism is actually tolerant to LGBTQ, a fact i learned recently. That also helped me to accept LGBTQ from religious standpoint.
Edit: I feel like homophobia comes from toxic masculinity, since most homophobic people are guys, including me in the past. The scariest thing is homophobic content generally targets very young males or old conservative males, which is also the main target of toxic masculinity. My personal belief is no matter your gender, you must be kind, maybe strong(if you can. If you cannot, just be happy with yourself) and help everyone. Also another thing, my religion Hinduism is actually tolerant to LGBTQ, a fact i learned recently. That also helped me to accept LGBTQ from religious standpoint.
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I'd say I was homo- and transphobic for a while in my early teen years 'cause I was scared of going to hell and the Bible says some things about gays (I think exclusively gay men). But I came from a rather tolerant (and religious) home so I was willing to drop the phobia when I started engaging with gays and figured that they were people like me. The transphobia was a little different, I think it was because it seemed so foreign to me. I couldn't really understand why people would want to change their sex (I didn't know back then but there was trans people who feel fine with their genitalia, I thought all trans people got gender affirming surgery at the time). But I came to the realization that I didn't need to understand someone to tolerate them
I am like kinda bisexual I guess? I feel attraction to feminine men, but I don't know if I'd date another man, it's purely sexual attraction. And I like trans girls, there's some who'd say that's gay but idk, I don't really put much on such labels for myself
I am like kinda bisexual I guess? I feel attraction to feminine men, but I don't know if I'd date another man, it's purely sexual attraction. And I like trans girls, there's some who'd say that's gay but idk, I don't really put much on such labels for myself
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The whole religion thing kinda confuses me now tbh. Like I see that the abrahamic religions are clearly homophobic, I think that comes from the yuck factor that men feel when they see two men be intimate, and I think it's political reasons, as the historic enemies of the old Hebrews, Christians and Muslims were openly practicing homosexuality
But there's also some weird statements about men in the scriptures saying that they love each other as they love their wives and there are odd historic exceptions for homosexuality across the histories of these religions. And there are alternatives interpretations, such as the Arabs killing trans people, but the Persians giving them gender affirming surgery
I think that goes for all religions on all kinds of topics, where over hundreds and thousands of years, the scriptures and practices change and leave a lot of interpretation for certain aspects. It's kinda why I became an agnostic despite liking going to church, I can't get a clear consent on what is right and what isn't through the scriptures and the practices. May just as well go my own way