Serious Rejection because of your Race, sexuality, etc.: Is it okay?

Is it offensive if you aren't into a certain group of people? For example, is it offensive if a Girl isn't really into African American guys or if a guy isn't into someone who is trans gender?

I've been mulling this question over in my brain for a couple of weeks now and I wanted to recieve input from Cong since I know most users tend to lean left on the political spectrum.

I personally think that it should not be considered offensive nor deemed as Racist, Homophobic, Transphobic, etc. A personal experience I had was in Highschool I thought this African American girl at my school was really cute. She was 6' 2" and played basketball for my highschool and we knew each other pretty well. She was a year older than me I remember asking her to one of the Homecoming dances our school put on. She, of course, said yes and we went to dinner and had a great time. After talking a little more she revealed to me that she didn't want to start anything serious with me because she was "only into Black guys." I was reminded of this experience after she invited me and some of her other friends to watch her play basketball at her university she plays for now. This got me thinking on the topic if it was socially acceptable to deny me just because I wasn't the race she wanted.

I personally just want to ask that everyone is respectful of each other and civil. I tend to avoid conversations like these because everyone I talk to never tries to see my side of the arguement and rights me off as an incomprehensible stupid alt right conservative. Which I really don't believe to be the case. I tend to lean left when it comes to things such as the Enviroment.
 
I think it´s important to understand that being offensive is a matter of not respecting and accepting something, and instead attacking it. This is based on cognition and a mindset, which can be altered.
Attraction is not based on cognition and only partly changeable. Differences in attraction based on "race" are totally normal and a product of evolution. Rejection because of missing attraction has nothing to do with respect: I fully respect men, yet I´m not attracted to them. And this is the reason I reject them, not because I want to attack them.

Overview:
Offensive behavior -> based on changeable world views (stereotypes and prejudices, which can always be wrong), meant to attack people
Rejecting because of race -> based on missing attraction (which is only changeable in parts and can´t be "wrong"), not meant to attack people
 
Is it offensive if you aren't into a certain group of people? For example, is it offensive if a Girl isn't really into African American guys or if a guy isn't into someone who is trans gender?

I've been mulling this question over in my brain for a couple of weeks now and I wanted to recieve input from Cong since I know most users tend to lean left on the political spectrum.

I personally think that it should not be considered offensive nor deemed as Racist, Homophobic, Transphobic, etc. A personal experience I had was in Highschool I thought this African American girl at my school was really cute. She was 6' 2" and played basketball for my highschool and we knew each other pretty well. She was a year older than me I remember asking her to one of the Homecoming dances our school put on. She, of course, said yes and we went to dinner and had a great time. After talking a little more she revealed to me that she didn't want to start anything serious with me because she was "only into Black guys." I was reminded of this experience after she invited me and some of her other friends to watch her play basketball at her university she plays for now. This got me thinking on the topic if it was socially acceptable to deny me just because I wasn't the race she wanted.

I personally just want to ask that everyone is respectful of each other and civil. I tend to avoid conversations like these because everyone I talk to never tries to see my side of the arguement and rights me off as an incomprehensible stupid alt right conservative. Which I really don't believe to be the case. I tend to lean left when it comes to things such as the Enviroment.
I personally don't think "is it offensive?" is the correct question to be asking, partly because offence is entirely subjective and in and of itself shouldn't be a problem and partly because a lot of people get offended at being rejected regardless of the reason and when it's such a personal thing I can hardly say it's not reasonable to feel offence. The question should be more like "is it wrong".

I think that (subconsciously) selecting partners based (in part) on race or other identities is no different than selecting them based on their looks, sense of humour, moral standpoints, body, patronus or favourite brand of coffee. It's entirely your choice who you engage with romantically (provided they make the same choice obviously) and as long as you treat the other person with the respect that would be expected of you in any other situation I don't think anyone can rightfully criticise you for it.

Just a small anecdote: most people I know don't have any strong preferences in this regard afaik but my Uncle has only had black girlfriends (despite being in primarily white areas for most of his life) and I think it would be absurd to take that as a sign that he is a racist or anything like that and I think the idea of forcing someone to act against the own personal feelings in this context would be abhorrent.
 
Is it offensive if you aren't into a certain group of people? For example, is it offensive if a Girl isn't really into African American guys or if a guy isn't into someone who is trans gender?

I've been mulling this question over in my brain for a couple of weeks now and I wanted to recieve input from Cong since I know most users tend to lean left on the political spectrum.

I personally think that it should not be considered offensive nor deemed as Racist, Homophobic, Transphobic, etc. A personal experience I had was in Highschool I thought this African American girl at my school was really cute. She was 6' 2" and played basketball for my highschool and we knew each other pretty well. She was a year older than me I remember asking her to one of the Homecoming dances our school put on. She, of course, said yes and we went to dinner and had a great time. After talking a little more she revealed to me that she didn't want to start anything serious with me because she was "only into Black guys." I was reminded of this experience after she invited me and some of her other friends to watch her play basketball at her university she plays for now. This got me thinking on the topic if it was socially acceptable to deny me just because I wasn't the race she wanted.

I personally just want to ask that everyone is respectful of each other and civil. I tend to avoid conversations like these because everyone I talk to never tries to see my side of the arguement and rights me off as an incomprehensible stupid alt right conservative. Which I really don't believe to be the case. I tend to lean left when it comes to things such as the Enviroment.
As a white transgender woman (I am conservative but understand and subscribe to certain leftist topics such as the pink tax, the relationship between the descendents of slaves and poverty, etc.), I wholeheartedly do not believe that it is offensive to have a type and to not date men if you don't like men, to not date women if you don't like women, to not date x race because you're not attracted to them, or to not date transgenders because you are into biocoochie. Instead of talking about what people have been talking about in terms of a moral argument, I'd like to discuss the flip side of your scenario. From the minority perspective, being shunned or rejected can hurt and invalidate one, especially if that person already feels out of place being a minority. I think that it is very easy to pin that on discrimination, especially in my experiences, but in reality we really do all have implicit biases and preferences and I think our upbringing has a lot to do with that. I grew up very conservative around people who were uncomfortable around African-Americans; for someone else they might be in an exact opposite scenario. Would you feel comfortable risking your relationship with your family because you choose to defy them with your dating preferences? Personally, I think no one is entitled to anything in terms of dating, because no one is the same. I actually get very offended when people try to make this point; you can't MAKE someone be attracted to you who just isn't. That's not a recipe for success in a relationship, and it's really not going to help anyone in the long run. Do you really want an uninvested partner for their token status or do you want a partner who has a mutual connection with you? In 2019, there are dating communities for everything, so I'm sure in your case you could find a beautiful black woman who is willing to date you for who YOU are, but understand the opposite side of this. People always want what they can't have, and that just is what it is.
 
I remember watching a TV show back in the day and on the TV show this semi Insta famous chick gets a video posted of her saying she wouldn't date any black dudes while drunk and her insta followers hated her for it. Obviously this isn't real life just a thing I remember.
 
AFAIK pretty much all of human history, marriages conducted are overwhelmingly done between couples that share the same ethnicity and for obvious reasons including the much higher likeliness that couples share same culture, same language, same philosophies and religion (if any) as well as values and principles etc in comparison to an interracial couple.

Not to say that interracial couples can't share those values as well since my girlfriend is Japanese and I'm Chinese Australian and we pretty much almost have every conceivable thing in common including political beliefs, core values and principles, philosophies and religion.

What really annoys me is when I see people immediately pulls the race card and accuse someone of being 'racist' simply one decides not to engage in interracial relationships considering when marriage is a lifelong commitment and that people prefer to marry someone who is more likely to share those cultural core values as well as principles which people who share the same ethnicity tend to be more likely to.

Broken Phobias my suggestion to you is simply marry who you fall in love with regardless if your partner shares the same ethnicity with you or not and don't let anyone guilt you of feeling racist simply because you didn't engage into an interracial relationship.
 

Cresselia~~

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You probably cannot fully control who you're attracted to. There are probably certain features from a certain ethnicity that looks unattractive to you, so you end up not attracted to a certain ethnicity.
But why do you have to tell them that though?
Can you not make another excuse?
Can you not say "Sorry, I don't like people with straight hair." "Sorry, I don't find people with small eyes attractive" instead?
 

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You probably cannot fully control who you're attracted to. There are probably certain features from a certain ethnicity that looks unattractive to you, so you end up not attracted to a certain ethnicity.
But why do you have to tell them that though?
Can you not make another excuse?
Can you not say "Sorry, I don't like people with straight hair." "Sorry, I don't find people with small eyes attractive" instead?
i mean fuck, most people feel so awkward when rejecting someone that they don't even give a reason. Nobody is entitled to an explanation for why someone rejected them in a romantic initation scenario.
 

Ninahaza

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Once i let a girl down easy with a bullshit excuse.

I never told her it was because she is fat. Like obese

Affairs of the heart are very sensitive, sensitive enough to warrant at least saying something, even if its bs

Ps: she was white
 
It's fine to have preferences, but when your Grindr profile says shit like "no blacks/no fats/no fems" or whatever, that's when it becomes problematic because you're actively condoning the oppression of people who are already marginalized by dominant culture.
 
You can't really control your desires, but you can control how you manage and discuss them. The reason you aren't attracted to a certain group is subconscious bias. You can recognize that even if you aren't interested in correcting that bias. Aside from trying to personally break out of your comfort zone, the most important thing you can do is bring awareness to that idea. The worst thing you can do is dismiss prejudice as "natural preference".

That said, your example doesn't really fit into this category imo. I have a few black friends who are attracted to white guys but aren't interested in long-term dating them for pretty valid personal reasons. Note that this excuse doesn't transfer to white and/or cis guys talking about marginalized groups.
 
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On this subject, I often think of women who say they will never be sexually interested in a bisexual man; this is clearly actually bullshit. I can a guarantee you that if they get swept away by a bisexual man, and only find out he is bi later, they aren't going to be instantly un-attracted to him. They say the words that their sexuality doesn't include bisexual men, but this is just that: words. You can make up whatever words you want to define your sexuality, your sexuality isn't those words however.

Fundamentally, I don't think sexuality actually exists, all that exists is attraction, sexuality is just the categories we put for the kinds of people we are usually attracted to. No one is a perfect homosexual or heterosexual robot, and if you think you are, you are lying to yourself. Basically every nonsense argument about sexuality starts to fall apart when you realize this. At the end of the day, people fuck what they want to fuck and that's all there really is.

(I am not saying that sexuality as a concept isn't useful, but for such questions like this, its important to realize that all of these things are just words)
 
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As a disabled person, I prefer it when people show their prejudice so that I can move on to other people.
 

Taylor

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There is a difference between disliking a certain group of people and taking action by physical/mental/emotional attacks towards said group. If you dislike them then that is fine, just stay away from them. I realized that I like all these groups but there are certain people in each that get my blood boiling, and it's simply a matter of there's a bad lot in every bunch. So I have learned to accept anything and everything so long as they're right with me.

Everyone being like this would help weed out all the ******* of each group and the world would be a much better place.
 

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The unpopular opinion I have is yes, it usually is wrong to go reject someone solely for their race. I can't say anything by personal experience, but the main thing to keep in mind here is that what people call "preferences" are usually informed by their culture and what their culture considers beautiful. Sure, there is some evolutionary wiring at play, but from what I can tell this is easily abused as some sort of excuse to justify discriminatory attitudes towards people who do not fall under their location's beauty standards.

Is it really a coincidence that in a society (and this has become globalized at this point, it is no longer merely confined to Western nations) where the primary beauty standard is white, where status and privilege are associated with whiteness, where other ethnic groups will actually try their hardest for their family members and children to become white, that people will have "preferences" that almost always favor whiteness? I have personal experience with the latter part in my own family; never is it "be content/proud with who you are", it's always "do whatever you can to become more white". I bring this up because usually when I've seen rejections based on race, usually it is never in favor of the "darker" race (see people from southern India as a very good example of a group that's like universally shit on by people in the West)

Obviously Broken Phobias' example demonstrates that this is not necessarily universal; people really do have preferences that we may be able to chalk down to some sort of phenotypical traits, and they very well may be discriminatory against white people. But it is very difficult to argue that all rejections along those lines are going to be like this. So long as this is the case, people ought to consider what's really affecting their views towards other people; I'd wager far more often than not, some sort of implicit bias is affecting their judgement rather than any true biological "preference" they might have.

I don't think people are obligated to be in a relationship with anyone else, but when you're rejecting people because of some really vague reason of race without being able to really pinpoint why, then the logic is strikingly similar to a racist who stops at "well because he's black! that's why I can't let him into the store!". And that's probably not the moral thing to do.
 

Surgo

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It's not offensive to have preferences in your attraction. But the way you go about it is important and can make it be offensive.

Putting in your dating profile "no blacks" -- that's offensive and racist. But beyond that, it's also doing you a big disservice. Even if you don't find yourself generally attracted to black men or black women, that doesn't mean you won't find someone out there of that group who just knocks you right off your feet. But you've irrevocably closed and locked that door. For a long time I personally did not think I was attracted to black women, then I met a lot of them and realized that instead of that I was just a fucking idiot.

Going the other way is also a problem. If you can only exclusively date a single race (that generally isn't your own), you need to take a good hard look at the sort of fetishization you're performing and why because it usually has some pretty nasty roots in racism.
 
It's fine to have preferences, but when your Grindr profile says shit like "no blacks/no fats/no fems" or whatever, that's when it becomes problematic because you're actively condoning the oppression of people who are already marginalized by dominant culture.
Gonna disagree. On a dating app, which is just a simulation for the real world, you are basically telling people upfront, "hey if you are x, y or z, you don't do it for me." Exclusionary: yes, but that is the nature of dating/fucking. Oppressive: not at all. You aren't keeping them held down, preventing them from advancing in society. They just don't get to fuck that particular user.

Preference and attraction aren't things we can control. Its a result of a many numerous factors in our lives and it is what it is. Say you are a Latina don't find black men attractive. Cool, that's fine. Say you are a Latina don't find black men attractive, and insult other Latina/Black couples. Not okay. Two very different situations.
 
Gonna disagree. On a dating app, which is just a simulation for the real world, you are basically telling people upfront, "hey if you are x, y or z, you don't do it for me." Exclusionary: yes, but that is the nature of dating/fucking. Oppressive: not at all. You aren't keeping them held down, preventing them from advancing in society. They just don't get to fuck that particular user.

Preference and attraction aren't things we can control. Its a result of a many numerous factors in our lives and it is what it is. Say you are a Latina don't find black men attractive. Cool, that's fine. Say you are a Latina don't find black men attractive, and insult other Latina/Black couples. Not okay. Two very different situations.
A dating app (Tinder, OK Cupid, etc) serves as a gating function by the very nature of requiring mutual approval to trigger a relationship.

Putting exclusionary statements in your profile serves no purpose other than to denigrate those whom you choose to exclude because the structural design of the platform already fulfills that purpose.
 
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Pyritie

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Gonna disagree. On a dating app, which is just a simulation for the real world, you are basically telling people upfront, "hey if you are x, y or z, you don't do it for me." Exclusionary: yes, but that is the nature of dating/fucking. Oppressive: not at all. You aren't keeping them held down, preventing them from advancing in society. They just don't get to fuck that particular user.
While I agree that being up front with who you absolutely will or will not fuck is useful to save time for both parties, in websites/apps that already have a "both people must be at least interested in the other before any messages can be sent" feature and require photos, you don't need to specify what appearances you don't like because you can just dismiss their profile anyway. Save that section for stuff that isn't immediately obvious, like "I won't fuck tories or vegans"
 

Mr.E

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It's not offensive to have preferences in your attraction. But the way you go about it is important and can make it be offensive.

Putting in your dating profile "no blacks" -- that's offensive and racist. But beyond that, it's also doing you a big disservice. Even if you don't find yourself generally attracted to black men or black women, that doesn't mean you won't find someone out there of that group who just knocks you right off your feet. But you've irrevocably closed and locked that door. For a long time I personally did not think I was attracted to black women, then I met a lot of them and realized that instead of that I was just a fucking idiot.

Going the other way is also a problem. If you can only exclusively date a single race (that generally isn't your own), you need to take a good hard look at the sort of fetishization you're performing and why because it usually has some pretty nasty roots in racism.
A dating app (Tinder, OK Cupid, etc) serves as a gating function by the very nature of requiring mutual approval to trigger a relationship.

Putting exclusionary statements in your profile serves no purpose other than to denigrate those whom you choose to exclude because the structural design of the platform already fulfills that purpose.
Due to long-standing gender expectations, most women on dating apps get so flooded by matches it's not surprising that many of them pre-filter as much as possible just to cut down their numbers to something actually manageable. It's pretty unfortunate if you're a guy who doesn't fit society's standards of male beauty. Indeed the women who restrict themselves as such are also hurting themselves, but at the end of the day most of them still have a hundred other potential matches to go through. It's like a job application where the employer just randomly trashes 30% of received resumes/applications because they receive so many they literally don't have time to review them all. Maybe they miss out on a great candidate that way, but they'll still eventually get a good-enough while the "great candidate" is left out in the cold.

The only way to fix the problem is such a seismic shift in how society operates that it's never gonna happen. In fact, the problem continues to get worse as technology has and continues to increasingly replace in-person social interactions (both in the sense that in-person interactions are becoming increasingly less socially acceptable and individual persons are becomingly increasingly incompetent at socializing due to lack of practice).
 

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i mean fuck, most people feel so awkward when rejecting someone that they don't even give a reason. Nobody is entitled to an explanation for why someone rejected them in a romantic initation scenario.
I've changed my mind about this somewhat. I still think being graceful trumps everything but I think it would help both parties' self esteem and future dating endeavours to be honest (if tactful) about explaining why you don't want to take things further. By setting out to write a goodbye text allows you to rubber-duck any uncertain feelings you might have which is super useful.
 

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