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Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread
- Thread starter Gabe
- Start date
my train of thought is just like, if you find their personality amazing and find that you click and everything but you don't find them physically attractive, wouldn't you just end up being friends?
i can't say i've ever found someone initially unattractive that i eventually feel attracted to so i can't really see how it works (yet?)
Pretty sure that at some point if all those variables align you develop companionate love which can then potentially develop into passionate love.
And here I thought I'd never use psych again.
And here I thought I'd never use psych again.
Fishy
tits McGee (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)
my last boyfriend and i dated for about 7 to 8 months, while we had really nothing to do with each other (personally) for a month or so before we met. there was no real reason to get into a relationship with him in the first place, and i didn't find him attractive per se - he had nice teeth, was really short, and sort of barrel-chested. real stocky. he was kind of balding already too, which i thought was funny.
we got along great though, and while he wasn't what i would traditionally be attracted to physically, that distinction didn't really matter when i began to like him a lot more. it becomes less "a" person/body you're not sure whether or not you're attracted to and more "THE" personality you love so much encompassed in someone's body. i wanted to kiss him and touch him because of who he was, and not as much how he looked.
why does it matter that he's short :(
this makes sense though. honestly, sometimes having to be physically attracted to people to like them seems like such a barrier from meaningful relationships -- if you think someone is hot, you can easily attribute whatever qualities to them to make them seem amazing in your own mind and feel "love" for them. idk. although i will say that it is much different for men than it is for women -- i'm aware of the "confirmed" posts but in my experience it's far more likely for women to end up being attracted to men because of emotional / intellectual stuff. that cuts both ways and explains why a man will fuck some girl he literally just met in an elevator whereas girls, because of the way our human brains are wired, wouldn't on average do that
this makes sense though. honestly, sometimes having to be physically attracted to people to like them seems like such a barrier from meaningful relationships -- if you think someone is hot, you can easily attribute whatever qualities to them to make them seem amazing in your own mind and feel "love" for them. idk. although i will say that it is much different for men than it is for women -- i'm aware of the "confirmed" posts but in my experience it's far more likely for women to end up being attracted to men because of emotional / intellectual stuff. that cuts both ways and explains why a man will fuck some girl he literally just met in an elevator whereas girls, because of the way our human brains are wired, wouldn't on average do that
Attraction is a very complex and ever changing criteria with trade offs between personality, physical features an materialistic and other social factors.
Physical features are just easier to scan a new crowd with and filter before nailing all the other factors. Chances are that in reoccuring settings such as classes or workplaces you meet people who don't score high in the physcial stuff but over time thier other appeals shine and tip the balance.
Physical features are just easier to scan a new crowd with and filter before nailing all the other factors. Chances are that in reoccuring settings such as classes or workplaces you meet people who don't score high in the physcial stuff but over time thier other appeals shine and tip the balance.
Critically, I think that physical and personal attraction beget each other.
Just as you are likely to attribute more positive personal features to someone who is physically attractive, so will you find physical attraction grow for someone you connect with personally.
EDIT: I should add, though, I have seen plenty of people (mainly guys) go through messy breakups because they weren't physically attracted to the person they were dating, just as I've seen plenty of people go through breakups where they don't actually like their SO as a person.
Just as you are likely to attribute more positive personal features to someone who is physically attractive, so will you find physical attraction grow for someone you connect with personally.
EDIT: I should add, though, I have seen plenty of people (mainly guys) go through messy breakups because they weren't physically attracted to the person they were dating, just as I've seen plenty of people go through breakups where they don't actually like their SO as a person.
VKCA
(Virtual Circus Kareoky Act)
contrarily
see: 1984
They attribute the look of a lamb or sheep or whatever for the leader of [enemy country]
So i posted a while back on this possible dating conundrum I had with a Mormom girl. I post another.
The next day at work she asked me to go to the mall with her. We shopped, talked a bit, then made out for a while (first kiss <3). Since then we had two other dates like that and another two where she just came to my house and we chilled/cuddled.
So I was sort of confused why we did this. She has to leave 1/2/13, so that gives this relationship like 4 weeks tops. Now this was my first dating relationship, so I think I was a bit naive and was probably more committed than I should have been. I assumed that if these next four weeks were really great, she would want to hold out on dating other guys til the summer when she came back to MD. I thought she might have thought this too because she did ask about summer plans on occasion (e.g. I was already planning on renting a house next summer near school, so this would give us more privacy) Turns out this was NOT her goal; she was just tired of flirting with guys and for some reason that means date one guy for a while instead of just staying single until going back to college. So two weeks in and figuring this out, I'm kind of depressed and break it off. We both cried a bit over it and didn't talk to each other for a day (compared to the non-stop texts she normally did).
She later asks me why I broke it off early and I said it was because I was basically her call boy (she arranged the dates because her schedule was far more hectic than mine) and I felt the relationship really wasn't going anywhere. The former didn't bother me that much (though it really pissed of my mom, who I am living with throughout all of this), but the latter kind of did. Granted the scenario I was thinking of (waiting til summer) was unlikely, she pretty much developed from the start that there was a 0% of this relationship working out in the long run.
So basically here's my question: If you were enjoying a relationship like this (no sex, a little intimacy, but had a breakup deadline) would you continue it until the end or cut it off early? I know the better option is probably to never start, but we already covered how naive I was acting. I think my mom giving me crap about it stressed me out enough to end it early, but had she not been there, I probably would have held out to the end. However, I was still stressed out a lot b/c I think I was thinking about the relationship too much (c'mon, it was my first one!) and where it would end up.
Also, dating mormons is really weird and would advise against it for the most part. They are either dating/flirting/non-commitment with a lot of people (but they are really reserved about sex; the fact that I made out with the girl is apparently more than what a lot of other mormon guys did) or they are apparently waiting for marriage. Seriously. I talked with her after we broke up and she says "best case scenario, I meet some guy this spring, I'll graduate in the fall, and get married the next spring.") The people they marry also have to be mormon. So there is no chance of sex or long-term commitment, which seems kind of a turn off for a relationship if your over age 20...
EDIT: The reason I asked this is because this seemed really weird to me, but a high school romance would be really similar but isn't thought of as being that weird, though the chance of sex or long-term commitment is at least there instead of being zero (actually the chance of sex is pretty high ... ). Anyway, are they the same? Or what makes them different?
The next day at work she asked me to go to the mall with her. We shopped, talked a bit, then made out for a while (first kiss <3). Since then we had two other dates like that and another two where she just came to my house and we chilled/cuddled.
So I was sort of confused why we did this. She has to leave 1/2/13, so that gives this relationship like 4 weeks tops. Now this was my first dating relationship, so I think I was a bit naive and was probably more committed than I should have been. I assumed that if these next four weeks were really great, she would want to hold out on dating other guys til the summer when she came back to MD. I thought she might have thought this too because she did ask about summer plans on occasion (e.g. I was already planning on renting a house next summer near school, so this would give us more privacy) Turns out this was NOT her goal; she was just tired of flirting with guys and for some reason that means date one guy for a while instead of just staying single until going back to college. So two weeks in and figuring this out, I'm kind of depressed and break it off. We both cried a bit over it and didn't talk to each other for a day (compared to the non-stop texts she normally did).
She later asks me why I broke it off early and I said it was because I was basically her call boy (she arranged the dates because her schedule was far more hectic than mine) and I felt the relationship really wasn't going anywhere. The former didn't bother me that much (though it really pissed of my mom, who I am living with throughout all of this), but the latter kind of did. Granted the scenario I was thinking of (waiting til summer) was unlikely, she pretty much developed from the start that there was a 0% of this relationship working out in the long run.
So basically here's my question: If you were enjoying a relationship like this (no sex, a little intimacy, but had a breakup deadline) would you continue it until the end or cut it off early? I know the better option is probably to never start, but we already covered how naive I was acting. I think my mom giving me crap about it stressed me out enough to end it early, but had she not been there, I probably would have held out to the end. However, I was still stressed out a lot b/c I think I was thinking about the relationship too much (c'mon, it was my first one!) and where it would end up.
Also, dating mormons is really weird and would advise against it for the most part. They are either dating/flirting/non-commitment with a lot of people (but they are really reserved about sex; the fact that I made out with the girl is apparently more than what a lot of other mormon guys did) or they are apparently waiting for marriage. Seriously. I talked with her after we broke up and she says "best case scenario, I meet some guy this spring, I'll graduate in the fall, and get married the next spring.") The people they marry also have to be mormon. So there is no chance of sex or long-term commitment, which seems kind of a turn off for a relationship if your over age 20...
EDIT: The reason I asked this is because this seemed really weird to me, but a high school romance would be really similar but isn't thought of as being that weird, though the chance of sex or long-term commitment is at least there instead of being zero (actually the chance of sex is pretty high ... ). Anyway, are they the same? Or what makes them different?
VKCA
(Virtual Circus Kareoky Act)
This entire relationship seems kind of unlucky. Mormons are sorta
I wouldn't try to glean to much from it. You had your first kiss, you spent some nice time with a girl, and that's okay.
if you need a long term commitment in a relationship and you know you cant have it then why do it at all? if you actually did have a relationship with her and you actually were emotionally attached then i guess breaking up early is normal, but if it was a high school relationship where you're just looking for the thrill of a relationship (as a high schooler im obviously biased) then just leave it till the end because its not like you seriously loved that person so breaking up wont kill you!
yeah you probably got too attached
yeah you probably got too attached
My only girlfriend in college happened to be Mormon. We "were together" about a month before she decided she wanted to take a step back and date me some more before actually committing to a relationship with me. This was like a giant fuck you to me at the time so I actually didn't speak to her much after that. She actually ended up contacting me after spring break and inviting me out to dinner! After that we dated a while, became like bf/gf (I met her mom!), and kept in contact through the summer. When fall semester started I was living in a student apartment on campus and we were pretty much neglecting nutrition in order to have sex.
Initially I was worried that because she was a Mormon that meant no physical contact at all. It turns out that I was actually moving rather slow for her liking. Once we spoke about it I increased the sensuality and intensity of everything I did to her and when she was ready we had sex (lots of it!).
Oh and her being Mormon pretty much meant that she didn't drink coffee and got upset when I smoked hookah/marijuana or drank alcohol. I asked heckled her all the time about being Mormon but I don't think it ever really affected our relationship. She was a Mormon but completely against the idea of being married early and unprepared so I guess I admire her for that.
So I guess don't close any doors?
Initially I was worried that because she was a Mormon that meant no physical contact at all. It turns out that I was actually moving rather slow for her liking. Once we spoke about it I increased the sensuality and intensity of everything I did to her and when she was ready we had sex (lots of it!).
Oh and her being Mormon pretty much meant that she didn't drink coffee and got upset when I smoked hookah/marijuana or drank alcohol. I asked heckled her all the time about being Mormon but I don't think it ever really affected our relationship. She was a Mormon but completely against the idea of being married early and unprepared so I guess I admire her for that.
So I guess don't close any doors?
So this will probably be a huge long post with a bunch of redundancy. That's just how I type; sorry.
So, about a month ago I broke up with my girlfriend of about 2 1/2 years. I'm 18 in college at alabama and she was 18-19 at college in Missouri. We started dating in our sophomore year of high school. We decided that it was the best thing to do after a lot of reasons, which I'll get into later. I really don't feel that bad, though, which is one of the things I'm kinda worried about.
So basically some history here that I feel I need to talk about. I'll put it in tags because god it's just so long. It's kinda essential for understanding me though.
So, I see my girlfriend for the first time in 4 months and we're talking and going out to dinner and such. We're generally having a great time. I decide that it's just the right thing to tell her everything that I've kinda been "withholding" from her: that I don't know if she's the perfect girl for me, whether I'm not sure if I love her or just the feeling of love, and our future together. About a week later in college she calls me up and tells me that she can't date somebody who doesn't think that she's the perfect girl for them. We agree that it's best if we're not together anymore. She's really upset, but we know she can't continue to be with me. I'm kinda upset too, I mean the past few years I've had have been awesome. We'd talked about breaking up in the past, but we'd always stuck with it because we both enjoyed being with each other so much and we didn't really want to break up.
Now I get off the phone and I realize that I don't feel sad at all. I don't understand. I totally loved this girl. I loved everything about her. But when my friends ask me why I loved her, I couldn't tell them why. I don't understand why this is. I've always been a really calm (emotionally detached?) person. I try to live my life with logic. But I thought I found love in this girl, but when I think about it I was just fooling myself the whole time. I think?
So people tell me that I'm totally free to enjoy life now. I suppose It's nice to not be burdened by the responsibility to talk to this girl now but thinking like that just makes me think I'm some kind of emotionless jerk that didn't care about this relationship for three years. So I'm totally free to date people, except I haven't ever had feelings for anyone, as I said before, except for basically this girl. Girls don't interest me at my school, I don't consider anyone I've seen as a possible "girlfriend" for me. I think that's just how I act towards everyone, personally I would think it's kinda trashy to judge people by how "hot" they look or how likely they are to date me. I always try to be friends with everyone I meet, but has this locked me out of liking people in a romantic way?
Is this normal? Has this happened to other people? Have I just had a "first relationship" that lasted too long? Am I supposed to be attracted to every member of the opposite sex I meet in a romantic way? I sure know I'm not gay, and I think women are hot, but I just haven't felt romantically attracted to anybody. Except this girl, who maybe when I think about it the one thing that might have attracted her to me was the fact that she was interested in me. But is that the one defining quality that I need in a relationship? I don't understand.
So me and this girl have always had this same tight-knit group of friends. I'm not sure how I can talk to them about this, because everything will just spread around and I've talked with some of them already. I haven't seen this girl since we broke up but I'm not sure what will happen. I'm pretty sure our friendship will never be the same, but we'll probably try to keep up an act to not destroy our friend group, which neither of us want.
I'm just concerned that I'm not more depressed than I thought I would be. I thought I really loved this girl, but now I'm thinking I didn't by the fact that everything is still the same, I just don't talk to this girl. What are your thoughts on this, guys?
Jeez that was a really sudden end and awkward way to end this post.
So, about a month ago I broke up with my girlfriend of about 2 1/2 years. I'm 18 in college at alabama and she was 18-19 at college in Missouri. We started dating in our sophomore year of high school. We decided that it was the best thing to do after a lot of reasons, which I'll get into later. I really don't feel that bad, though, which is one of the things I'm kinda worried about.
So basically some history here that I feel I need to talk about. I'll put it in tags because god it's just so long. It's kinda essential for understanding me though.
I met this girl about a year and a half before we started dating, in freshman year. We were both different people and pretty immature--she had just broken up with her first boyfriend, we were at a party with our big group of friends, and she kinda rebounded onto me. About a week later she kinda forgot about me but I, being the immature person I was, never really forgot about her. We had the same friends so we saw each other all the time and our "relationship" became kind of a joke. Eventually I forgot about everything.
So, a year later, one of our friends comes up to me and asks me if I like this girl. I kinda said yes, but I wasn't sure. My friend reveals that this girl likes me for real this time, and a couple days later we were dating. We weren't exactly sure where it would lead, but things seemed to be going ok. We enjoyed being around each other and went on dates and did stuff that couples did, I guess. I'd never dated anyone before so this was a bit of a new experience for me.
Fast forward two years. People are going off to college and most couples are breaking up. We decide that we should stick together, as we still both enjoy each other's company. However, in her mind I am perfect for her and she think's that we're going to wind up as a family together. I can see that as a future but don't really see it as my ideal future. I kept this to myself pretty much, as I really didn't want to do anything to upset her. We had some relationship problems in college, but it was mostly because I wasn't keeping in contact with her. I started talking more and we were both happier.
So, now we're coming home for thanksgiving and some of my other friends talk to me. They'd always had "doubts" about our relationship, but not in a really bad way. They ask me some questions about love and such, and when I started liking this girl and such. I respond in a way that shockingly to me reveals personally that I may not have really loved this girl and just had an extended "first date" relationship or something like that. I agreed that I'd talk this out with my girlfriend when we saw each other.
Basically I've never had feelings for anybody except two girls. One of them has been my best friend since childhood, and I tried pursuing something in high school but it was awkward and nothing happened at all and now we're awesome friends. In-rant message the friendzone exists, for us it was mutual. The other girl I've had feelings for was this girl who I've been dating, but I'm not really sure what these feelings are or when they started. Some of our friends think that it only started after I found out that this girl liked me, which I started to believe and I think this now.
So, a year later, one of our friends comes up to me and asks me if I like this girl. I kinda said yes, but I wasn't sure. My friend reveals that this girl likes me for real this time, and a couple days later we were dating. We weren't exactly sure where it would lead, but things seemed to be going ok. We enjoyed being around each other and went on dates and did stuff that couples did, I guess. I'd never dated anyone before so this was a bit of a new experience for me.
Fast forward two years. People are going off to college and most couples are breaking up. We decide that we should stick together, as we still both enjoy each other's company. However, in her mind I am perfect for her and she think's that we're going to wind up as a family together. I can see that as a future but don't really see it as my ideal future. I kept this to myself pretty much, as I really didn't want to do anything to upset her. We had some relationship problems in college, but it was mostly because I wasn't keeping in contact with her. I started talking more and we were both happier.
So, now we're coming home for thanksgiving and some of my other friends talk to me. They'd always had "doubts" about our relationship, but not in a really bad way. They ask me some questions about love and such, and when I started liking this girl and such. I respond in a way that shockingly to me reveals personally that I may not have really loved this girl and just had an extended "first date" relationship or something like that. I agreed that I'd talk this out with my girlfriend when we saw each other.
Basically I've never had feelings for anybody except two girls. One of them has been my best friend since childhood, and I tried pursuing something in high school but it was awkward and nothing happened at all and now we're awesome friends. In-rant message the friendzone exists, for us it was mutual. The other girl I've had feelings for was this girl who I've been dating, but I'm not really sure what these feelings are or when they started. Some of our friends think that it only started after I found out that this girl liked me, which I started to believe and I think this now.
So, I see my girlfriend for the first time in 4 months and we're talking and going out to dinner and such. We're generally having a great time. I decide that it's just the right thing to tell her everything that I've kinda been "withholding" from her: that I don't know if she's the perfect girl for me, whether I'm not sure if I love her or just the feeling of love, and our future together. About a week later in college she calls me up and tells me that she can't date somebody who doesn't think that she's the perfect girl for them. We agree that it's best if we're not together anymore. She's really upset, but we know she can't continue to be with me. I'm kinda upset too, I mean the past few years I've had have been awesome. We'd talked about breaking up in the past, but we'd always stuck with it because we both enjoyed being with each other so much and we didn't really want to break up.
Now I get off the phone and I realize that I don't feel sad at all. I don't understand. I totally loved this girl. I loved everything about her. But when my friends ask me why I loved her, I couldn't tell them why. I don't understand why this is. I've always been a really calm (emotionally detached?) person. I try to live my life with logic. But I thought I found love in this girl, but when I think about it I was just fooling myself the whole time. I think?
So people tell me that I'm totally free to enjoy life now. I suppose It's nice to not be burdened by the responsibility to talk to this girl now but thinking like that just makes me think I'm some kind of emotionless jerk that didn't care about this relationship for three years. So I'm totally free to date people, except I haven't ever had feelings for anyone, as I said before, except for basically this girl. Girls don't interest me at my school, I don't consider anyone I've seen as a possible "girlfriend" for me. I think that's just how I act towards everyone, personally I would think it's kinda trashy to judge people by how "hot" they look or how likely they are to date me. I always try to be friends with everyone I meet, but has this locked me out of liking people in a romantic way?
Is this normal? Has this happened to other people? Have I just had a "first relationship" that lasted too long? Am I supposed to be attracted to every member of the opposite sex I meet in a romantic way? I sure know I'm not gay, and I think women are hot, but I just haven't felt romantically attracted to anybody. Except this girl, who maybe when I think about it the one thing that might have attracted her to me was the fact that she was interested in me. But is that the one defining quality that I need in a relationship? I don't understand.
So me and this girl have always had this same tight-knit group of friends. I'm not sure how I can talk to them about this, because everything will just spread around and I've talked with some of them already. I haven't seen this girl since we broke up but I'm not sure what will happen. I'm pretty sure our friendship will never be the same, but we'll probably try to keep up an act to not destroy our friend group, which neither of us want.
I'm just concerned that I'm not more depressed than I thought I would be. I thought I really loved this girl, but now I'm thinking I didn't by the fact that everything is still the same, I just don't talk to this girl. What are your thoughts on this, guys?
Jeez that was a really sudden end and awkward way to end this post.
idk sounds like you emotionally checked out before you guys were officially broken up tbh and that probably gave you more time than you think to accept the fact that she won't be in your life. so i think by the time you actually broke up with her you probably had already lost most of the feelings for her, cos tbh it sounds like you stayed with her bcos it was comfortable and familiar.
whether you love her or not isn't something we can tell u tho, u would just know. would u have gone out on a limb for her for anything? did her being sad or angry kill u inside? could u imagine a future with her?
i think if u love someone, part of u will always care for them no matter what.
whether you love her or not isn't something we can tell u tho, u would just know. would u have gone out on a limb for her for anything? did her being sad or angry kill u inside? could u imagine a future with her?
i think if u love someone, part of u will always care for them no matter what.
Haven't been here for the past week or two, read through most of the stuff I missed so I thought I would share some of my opinions/experiences.
On the subject of being confident or even sitting on a high horse. If you want to get laid, be disgustingly over confident, as cliche as it sound it works a lot of times. Say the stuff you think that would get you slapped the moment it passes your mouth. However avoid fetish stuff or degrading the girl. Of course this will provide a very shallow experience and most likely you won't even want to see the girl again, so do not do this with someone you have actual feeling for. However for experience and/or for fun it's a surprisingly effective method, also certain quantities of alcohol in both parties is quite helpful.
On the subject of being confident or even sitting on a high horse. If you want to get laid, be disgustingly over confident, as cliche as it sound it works a lot of times. Say the stuff you think that would get you slapped the moment it passes your mouth. However avoid fetish stuff or degrading the girl. Of course this will provide a very shallow experience and most likely you won't even want to see the girl again, so do not do this with someone you have actual feeling for. However for experience and/or for fun it's a surprisingly effective method, also certain quantities of alcohol in both parties is quite helpful.
I haven't posted in here, I believe, but I WANTED TO POST BECAUSE THIS IS SO SWEET AND HAVE THE BEST DAY EVER TOGETHER. Hope everything goes swimmingly.
