Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

In regards to that long-distance bpd question from a while back.

Thanks for all of the advice, guys! It means a lot.

Update: I have rapid-cycle bipolar disorder, and at the time I was in the process of working up to the recommended dosage of my meds (it has to be staggered increases over the course of a couple months), and I had just assumed that since I hadn't noticed any recent major shifts that it was a solved issue.

Well, it turns out that around that time I was in the middle of a pessimistic-depressive phase (though it wasn't as personally identifiable because of its reduced magnitude via the meds), and in reality (as I realized after it passed over), everything was fine. I'm also not one to cheat in any capacity, so that was a strange thought as well.

I did end up breaking things off a few weeks later simply because without actual contact for months, sustaining feelings for someone is almost impossible, and everything was okay (and I am very likely not going to bother with any relationship-related things until college).

Again, thank you for the advice, particularly that about not adopting a responsibility of the other person's personal issues/disorders.

Surprisingly, Britney provided the last inspirational push, haha:

 
OK, how do you guys go about finding casual hook-ups? I've been out clubbing a bit since I turned 18, but most girls seem unwilling to go beyond grinding/making out in the club. The two numbers I've gotten both didn't respond, so what tips do you have? Am I just too young-looking?

tl;Dr teach me how to sleep with beautiful women. pls no PUA bs

Yeah, despite what people think, going to clubs will hardly ever lead to you hooking up with girls. The fact is girls like to dance and have a few drinks, so most of the time they go to these clubs to do just that. I pretty much only go to clubs WITH girls, not to meet any.

It can be very difficult to just find a girl then automatically hook up with her. Most of the time it will take at least some effort. I remember when I turned 18 I started working at my gym and hooked up with a few girls from there. The best way to find girls is simply to expose yourself (no pun intended) to the outside world. Get out of the house and try to meet people, whether that's work, parties or whatever else you decide to do.
 
I'm Waiting till I'm married to do anything beyond kissing with a boy. I've been with my Current Boyfriend for 3 months and he really seems to care about me, maybe like 8/10 on the love scale. I myself only feel, maybe 3/10 on the love scale? I happily admit he's the best person in my life right now, but I'm Really holding onto myself. Is a mindset like this really viable in the age we live in? My younger sister has had multiple sexual partners and It makes me feel really weird being older and not having had ever done anything sexual. I don't watch porn or masturbate either, I think that shits gross.
 
Everybody develops into their sexual and emotional maturity differently. Don't look at people the same age as you and think "I should be doing what they're doing." CERTAINLY don't look at your sister and measure yourself up to her, either. You made a conscious decision to wait, and you shouldn't let outside pressures change that for you unless you are mentally and physically ready to make that choice yourself.

And if you don't like porn/masturbation, there's nothing wrong with that either. Not everyone needs the self-gratification, and I myself have stopped doing it recently (though for entirely different reasons). Bottom line to all this: if you don't want to do something, don't do it. If you think you want to do something, give it a shot. And above all, don't let anyone else push you into anything before you're ready.
 
How do you go about turning someone away that is flirting with you (particularly over the internet)?

I suppose that my issue is not wanting to be harsh, so I choose to just keep responses to a minimum until they drop it (that doesn't work haha).

So I get stuck with a small bunch of people that I have semi-frequent (as close to ignoring them as possible without actually ignoring them) with, and I have a strong hunch that this isn't the correct way to go about this :P

Any tips, or is giving a straight up "not interested" out of nowhere the best way?
 
Don't beat around the bush. Don't lead them on. The best, most mature way to do it is just like you said: straight, succinct, to the point, in no way unclear. "I appreciate your interest, I'm flattered, but I'm sorry, I do not feel that way about you."
 
Hi Smogon. Spill time.

So I finally had my very first *proper* make out session with this lovely woman I've been seeing recently. Before that in my previous 2 (short-lived) relationships it was mostly just pecks on the lips and awkward fumbled attempts because the other person wasn't comfortable enough or lacked confidence.

But this time, with her it was right-on and smooth, though it was my legit first, she had experience from her previous boyfriends, one of whom (by her own admission) was 'talented'.

I could tell I was right on the money because I could feel her slight involuntary shuddering and lightly escaped groans. And she did say it felt pretty awesome to her. She isn't the sort to fake and lie anyways, since she's pretty straightforward. Anyways she's not the problem, I am.

Even though she seemed to be bang on enjoying it, I exactly wasn't. I mean I was pretty heated up by the adrenaline rush and all, but it just felt a tad bit disappointing to me. I really wasn't left ultra-horny (unlike her) after it. It was kind of intense, but somehow it didn't live up to some standard I had in my head, and that worries me.
Quite obviously I didn't have the heart to tell her this, seeing how happy and spent she looked, but I'm still kind of apprehensive about how this turned out.

How do I approach such a warped situation guys (and girls pls)?
 
To anyone who doesn't already know, listen to DM, he's the man.

Also guys please don't ever buy into the alpha/beta male bullshit. Real men have prestige and dignity, and it is EASY for anyone to pick up on.
 
So I'm in a bit of a pickle that I could probably resolve myself but I'm having difficulty thinking of ways to do it with the delicacy required.

Past-relationship relevancy: Was with a girl off and on for roughly 28 months, during one of the interim periods I went on a few dates with one of the girls described below but broke it off quickly b/c i still had feelings for this girl. Relationship ended in October.

Girl A: Friend of Girl B I met in March, began hanging out a little bit, sleeping together somewhat often. I felt affectionate towards her but realized quickly what we have next to nothing in common. Intellectual and physical attraction has dwindled. No physical contact in the four summer months due to separate provinces. When we parted in April we agreed not to be in a relationship but simply to see where things go. She had feelings for me at this point (unconfessed but I knew) and they seem to have only grown with the distance, unfortunately. Have been attempting to dwindle her feelings without being an overt dick because she's a nice enough girl and I don't want to hurt her and also because it would complicate things nicely as described below.

Girl B: Met her first while she was going hard after another guy, became friend with her as she was nearing the end of that interest. We are fairly similar people with similar interests so we became pretty close friends, I'd help her through emotional stuff, etc. She set me up with friend A while in the tail end of this period. Shortly after her interest in the other guy ended, and a couple weeks into the period where I was sleeping with A, I had a threesome with both A and B which was by all measures a fucking awesome time. She (B) and I slept together several more times in a casual manner without A knowing before the uni year ended, consensual, fun, no strings attached. In a vacuum we would likely continue to sleep together once school resumed until one of us became encumbered by a relationship. I like her a fair bit, would be willing to date her if she were interested, but would not be willing at this point to pursue her or suggest anything more than the good friends that we are; I'm happy with this situation.

Complications arise, however, in that Girls A and B are rooming in the same suite at University next year. Any actions that I might undertake (such as breaking it off cold) affect my ability to be close friends with B (not to mention potentially sex; my own quarters are questionable due to at least one of my roommates being heavy Christians). On top of that Girl B has grown tired of the clinginess of A (acknowledged by myself) and is already dissatisfied with her living situation for next year.

Now into this situation, with me back in my hometown, enters Girl C. Girl C has carried a torch for me for a long time, several years, and is the girl mentioned in the second paragraph. We've engaged in some date like activities in the past, made out a few times and whatnot, but have generally not been a part of each other's life in recent years. Recently she messaged me do her going to a University in the same city as my University this coming year, we began talking and whatnot, it was new, fresh, exciting, and seemed right so things progressed quickly. We've begun getting physical and will continue to do so in the coming days and weeks. She's a reasonably nice and interesting girl, as well as reasonably attractive and I could certainly be content with this relationship. I have a concern, however, raised from the last time we saw each other (yesterday) which is that I am getting strong signals (not of overattachment because this early that's reasonable) of her placing me up on a pedestal as some sort of 'perfect' individual. I'm concerned that this will limit the depth of attraction I can feel for her as someone who perceives me to be without flaw (I have many) while also deepening the superficial attraction she will feel for me. I absolutely like her as a person and want to remain committed to doing things with her/showing her places in the new City as I have committed to do, but I have reservations about doing it in relationship form should this perception of hers continue. I also question to what level we can be intellectually compatible with such a difference in perception of each other. I can forsee a situation where we get along happily and the relationship progresses nicely as a normal relationship would but I can also forsee a situation where she views me as a better person than I am and will do anything for me whereas I can only see her as a convenient lay (I'm suspecting I'll be her first serious sexual relationship which, judging by her reaction last night, will be enhanced by her infatuation; I will be distinctly more experienced than her (and if I may toot my own horn, I'm rather competent in bed which will only exacerbate matters)). Complications arise further in that she's a fairly good friend of my sister (which honestly doesn't bother me much, my sister has stood behind me in the past) and that I left her hurt the last time (as outlined at the start, the right thing to do) which I'd rather avoid doing again.

Finally, there also enters the complication that I'm not entirely sure I even want to be in a relationship right now. The relationship mentioned in paragraph 2 left some pretty deep emotional scars on me as we were, legitimately by any sense of measure I've seen and also by my own instinct, in love with each other. I've read before that you want your first relationship to end badly so that you can experience future relationships normally, that falling into true love the first time is the worst thing as it discolours your future relationships which pale in comparison to what you've had. I'm sure this isn't universally true but it does seem to be the case at this time in that I feel like a heroin addict without the addiction, my goals have been structured around find the peace, happiness, and serenity I had when I was in this relationship. I've moved on from this ex, having recognized where we were uncompatible with each other but the memories of what we had do not fade. Thus this is one occasional block that's occurred in each sexual relationship I've had since that relationship ended.

Continuing the previous, there's also the feeling I get right now that I may simply not want a relationship, that I'm happy being single and focussing on myself, my hobbies, and my schoolwork. Having experienced a full relationship I know that its a hell of a lot of work and emotional investment that I'm not sure I'm willing to invest right now (being low energy by nature). I also enjoy being able to spend time with myself uninhibited, being able to go out for drinks with my friends or chill with them, or even just to have NSA sex with people like girl 2. Certainly my studies would not be negatively impacted by being single. Further, I'm finding I'm enjoying being a single male. Curiously since I've had my attentions occupied by one or more ladies I've found myself the attentions of women more and more frequently which I take some manner of pride in and there are certainly women I've met in the past or continue to meet that I might like the opportunity to pursue.

In summary, I've created something of a pickle for myself where no matter what I do I'll be leaving one or more people emotionally hurt through my own inaction, despite my best intentions. There are several potential outcomes that I could be happy with, but also several outcomes that I might not be. I could likely decide upon an appropriate course of action (and consider my dilemma appropriately through introspection) but I turn to your ladies and gents for your appraisal of the situation and thoughts in seek of a new perspective hopefully free from judgement.

p.s. I'm sure I've left out some critical detail somewhere so if you need clarification or questions answered ask away

p.p.s. oh and i have a problem in that i p much never wear a condom b/c i often have trouble finishing as it is (not masturbatory related, mental) but the girls i sleep with are generally on birth control. not smart, i know. but that's an issue for another time.
So I ended up resolving this situation in a relatively capable way, there was about as little casualty as I think I could have managed. Some time after HnCs post I was talking to my friend/Girl B about the situation and she basically agreed that I probably wasn't looking for a relationship right now. So a few days later Girl C calls me and says that she's going to start telling people that we are dating starting with my sister that night. This was in direct opposition to what I'd consistently told and demonstrated to her, that no, this is moving too fast and is more comittment than I am willing to be at right now. So basically during that conversation I laid it out to her in clear terms where I was at so that she couldn't wilfully misinterpret things through rose coloured glasses. I got ahead of the curve and told my sister the situation ahead of their meeting later that day and she supported me as expected. End result: Girl C is hurt by her feelings for me but wiser for knowing that you have to be able to listen to your partner instead of pushing your own agenda. Lesson: communication is key.

Relations with Girl B are fine, nothing to report.

As of last night my long term goals with Girl A came through as well (sending signals through text that I wasn't interested). She messaged me asking what we were because she could (eventually) tell that I didn't like her, the opportunity provided itself for me to tell her that I wasn't romantically interested and the situation resolved itself without hard feelings and with her offering to remain friends. In a bizarre twist she messages girl B saying that she (A) and I are no longer seeing each other. When we're weren't seeing each other to begin with...Or had ever gone on a date...etc. End result: successful break away without particular emotional damage. Lesson: honesty is crucial, but sometimes tact with kindness is the correct path.

Bye thread, I'm a free man whoooo!
 
I'm Waiting till I'm married to do anything beyond kissing with a boy. I've been with my Current Boyfriend for 3 months and he really seems to care about me, maybe like 8/10 on the love scale. I myself only feel, maybe 3/10 on the love scale? I happily admit he's the best person in my life right now, but I'm Really holding onto myself. Is a mindset like this really viable in the age we live in? My younger sister has had multiple sexual partners and It makes me feel really weird being older and not having had ever done anything sexual. I don't watch porn or masturbate either, I think that shits gross.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you or your mindset.
 
OK, how do you guys go about finding casual hook-ups? I've been out clubbing a bit since I turned 18, but most girls seem unwilling to go beyond grinding/making out in the club. The two numbers I've gotten both didn't respond, so what tips do you have? Am I just too young-looking?

tl;Dr teach me how to sleep with beautiful women. pls no PUA bs


I feel like I should address this, even though you might be trolling. It should never be your goal to specifically seek out women to hook up with. Sexual encounters, even casual ones, should happen naturally and in the flow of the situation. Guys that go out with the sole purpose of sleeping with women tend to send out tangible "creeper" signals to those around them, and it ultimately makes them less likely to succeed. I realize you are young and horny and want to experience the sexual world, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, if you want to have success, you can't specifically focus on that element. Go out with the intention of simply meeting new people and having a good time, and be sure to stay relaxed. If you can accomplish this, you will be more attractive to people around you and ultimately draw in more potential partners. If you go out with simply the goal to find hookups, it'll be obvious to everyone around you (especially your targets) and you will have far less luck.
 
Need to vent about this but it's not really something I want to share with friends. My sexual life is pretty much the only thing I won't share with them.>.>
I'm not really asking for advice. Just complaining about recent happenings.

So I have a friend (a girl) that I've known for... mmmm.... at least 3 years? We're important to each other, but after dating for a few months when we first met, we agreed that a life together wouldn't work out. We just have different goals for our futures that will never line up, and so we stayed as friends. We talk a lot, share a lot, and are very close.
We're each other's main outlets for expressing our sexual ideas and interests. Neither of us are sexually active, but we share our thoughts and activities with each other, and so there's always been a bit of unspoken tension between us because of it. Well, in the last year we sort of had a woopsie. Apparently there's this thing that people do where they bite around the neck lightly. (seriously, I didn't know it was a thing before this.) I was restraining her from myself because I'm ticklish and she's not, I nibbled her a bit, she reacted, and I just sort of went with it. Well, after that the tension steadily began increasing, as we embarrassingly expressed our physical interest in each other. Well, that brings us to the last couple weeks. She has a friend from across the country who moved in because she of a crappy home situation. This friend is always at her house, and they're pretty much always together. I can't have one without the other (don't get me wrong though, her friend is a cool person). The problem lies in that we had another woopsie, though this time much more intentional. Without going into the details, my hand went into her pants a bit, but people were around and there was no way to really do much. After this event, there was an understanding that we were ok with relieving our sexual needs with each other. Yesterday we found ourselves alone while the friend was in the shower, after a long day of working hard and both knowing that we really wanted to finish what we had started a couple weeks prior. Touching leads to touching, we finally manage get back to where we left off, aaaaaaaaaand her dad comes home. We relocate and quickly resume, cuz hot damn in the moment we wanted it. Friend finishes shower, which ends things much farther in but still unfinished. We're really at a loss of how to actually get anything done when we're in the mood for it.




Fingered a girl before my first kiss. Woops.
 
Honestly, the first time I had sex with a girl was probably the most awkward thing ever. You don't know what you're doing, you don't feel much the first time because you're not doing it right, if it's her first time then she's in pain and you start feeling bad about it, and if you're with a girl that's already done it then she thinks that you're not that very good.

The second time, it's probably the best thing ever. You actually feel something, and somewhat know what you're doing. It still sucks for the girl who just started but it'll take a couple times for her before it starts to actually feel good.
 
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Honestly, the first time I had sex with a girl was probably the most awkward thing ever. You don't know what you're doing, you don't feel much the first time because you're not doing it right, if it's her first time then shes in pain and you start feeling bad about it, and if you're with a girl that's already done it then she thinks that you're not that very good.

The second time, it's probably the best thing ever. You actually feel something, and somewhat know what you're doing. It still sucks for the girl who just started but it'll take a couple times for her before it starts to actually feel good.

Doesn't have to hurt for girls the first time. I actually enjoyed my first time and it wasn't awkward at all, only hurt a tiny little bit when he was going hard but I was surprised that it felt so good and natural. I definitely expected the first time to suck and be very stale.

Most girls are probably nervous and not wet and horny enough. The horny part is very important, cause I've had times were I got decently wet without being very horny and then it feels very lame, didn't hurt but just wanted it to be over with cause it just didn't feel good ;/ Just like a penis the vagina needs blood too :P
 
Everybody develops into their sexual and emotional maturity differently. Don't look at people the same age as you and think "I should be doing what they're doing." CERTAINLY don't look at your sister and measure yourself up to her, either. You made a conscious decision to wait, and you shouldn't let outside pressures change that for you unless you are mentally and physically ready to make that choice yourself.

And if you don't like porn/masturbation, there's nothing wrong with that either. Not everyone needs the self-gratification, and I myself have stopped doing it recently (though for entirely different reasons). Bottom line to all this: if you don't want to do something, don't do it. If you think you want to do something, give it a shot. And above all, don't let anyone else push you into anything before you're ready.
To add onto this, porn also gives a false reality to people. So when people have sex, they get a different idea of it because of the bodies the pornstars have as well as the "pleasure" they are experiencing.

Doesn't have to hurt for girls the first time. I actually enjoyed my first time and it wasn't awkward at all, only hurt a tiny little bit when he was going hard but I was surprised that it felt so good and natural. I definitely expected the first time to suck and be very stale.

Most girls are probably nervous and not wet and horny enough. The horny part is very important, cause I've had times were I got decently wet without being very horny and then it feels very lame, didn't hurt but just wanted it to be over with cause it just didn't feel good ;/ Just like a penis the vagina needs blood too :P
Maybe it's because I have a bigger penis lol. I'm about 6 and half inches and sometimes 7 inches on a good day with some thickness to it. Maybe it also depends on the girl and her pain tolerance too hahah.
 
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Doesn't have to hurt for girls the first time. I actually enjoyed my first time and it wasn't awkward at all, only hurt a tiny little bit when he was going hard but I was surprised that it felt so good and natural. I definitely expected the first time to suck and be very stale.

Most girls are probably nervous and not wet and horny enough. The horny part is very important, cause I've had times were I got decently wet without being very horny and then it feels very lame, didn't hurt but just wanted it to be over with cause it just didn't feel good ;/ Just like a penis the vagina needs blood too :P
^^^
This

Unless you already know the other person's pace, it's usually best to just let the girl decide when she wants it faster or rougher.
 
most of the reason that women find sex painful to begin with has to do with society and not actually with the physical constraints or desires of their body. There's an incredible amount of stigma around virginity and the first time having sex and there's this tremendous built-up concept of "it's going to hurt like a motherfucker the first time" which can cause women to be so scared that it's hard for them to find sufficient pleasure to create that necessary blood flow to make it not hurt. (add this to the list of many other destructive virginity myths e.g. the universal existence of a hymen, the concept of impurity, of stretching)

first-time sex should never be excruciatingly painful if you're educated about it because a. if you know the truth about virginity / sex then irrational fear shouldn't overcome pleasure and b. if something really does hurt you need to be vocal about it and make sure that whatever hurts stops. making girls hurt does not make you a sex god, it makes you an asshole.

also this might not be the place to list the exact dimensions of your penis. i'm glad that you're 7 inches on a good day, but that's a fairly loose interpretation of "sex ed"
 
^^^
This

Unless you already know the other person's pace, it's usually best to just let the girl decide when she wants it faster or rougher.
But i'm a man :(. And I want to ROCK HER WORLD :(. And I only have about 30 seconds to do so :(

also this might not be the place to list the exact dimensions of your penis. i'm glad that you're 7 inches on a good day, but that's a fairly loose interpretation of "sex ed"
But..........I'm a man :(
 
ok i have spent a disturbingly large amount of time over the last couple days worrying that i am going to spend the rest of my life alone so much so that ive actually reached the point of posting in this thread

basically i know that the better boyfriend material you are the better girlfriend material youre likely to get. so instead of going hunting for some perfect girl whos going to just not be interested in me because im a fugly nerd i decided i should probably work on making myself better boyfriend material so i can actually Get The Girl when I want to

so this is a question to all the Smogirls reading this thread, what do you look for in guys, so I can try to work on those things so i dont die alone
 
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To add onto this, porn also gives a false reality to people. So when people have sex, they get a different idea of it because of the bodies the pornstars have as well as the "pleasure" they are experiencing.

For this reason and many others, I gave up porn a few months ago. I actually gave up masturbating as well, but that is actually a separate act.
 
oops, i dropped my MONSTER condom for my MAGNUM dong

anyway, to Pwnemon , I'm a straight dude but I've been in the same position before (sort of) so I'll try and do the best I can

I think the first thing you need to do is ditch the "I'm gonna die alone" mindset, since that basically sets the stage for every interaction you'd make with a woman. It cripples your confidence and probably shows.

There's a few things that you can directly control. Since you describe yourself as a neckbeard, I'm gonna suggest you take a closer look at your hygiene and the way you dress. Shave off that neard, it's probably doing you no favors. If you're gonna have facial hair, keep it groomed and clean. As for the clothes, all I can say is to upgrade from the tshirt and cargo shorts combo (again going with the neckbeard stereotype here). You know, nice pair of jeans, button downs, chinos, etc. You don't need to like, overdress of anything but having more (nicer) options in your wardrobe is never a bad thing. People take notice if you're wearing nicer clothes and make an effort on your appearance, especially women.

Honestly, depending on your age, online dating is definitely an option. I don't really use it myself (21, in college), but it seems like a decent way to meet people and not have to worry about making the very first impression in person (if you get nervous), though it can be limiting as well.

Probably some shitty advice, but I tried.
 
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