Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

[frogoholic101]

Over the duration of what I have described, R was 17 or 18, and the age of consent where we live (the UK) is 16. When he received oral sex he was 17 and the girl was 15 (though she would soon turn 16). He was 18 when he forced himself onto another girl (who was 16) who hadn't given consent and actually ran away and was in tears afterwards. When he fingered the girl in the Girls' school kitchen he was 18 and the girl was 16 and it was wholly consensual, but something else comes into play here: he left the Boys' school the year before and so wasn't technically allowed on the site. If the school knew what had happened they would treat him as an intruder. If we're talking consent then he had it for one of the three incidents described above but the fact all this is happening in a school makes us worried, like he has no concept of what is appropriate in certain places.

As for his facebook messages, most of his creepy ones are made to girls around the ages of 15 and 16, though one time he did write something inappropriate to a girl of 14. He has been doing this for a while, perhaps since he was about 14, but now that he's 18 calling attention to a 14 year old's breasts on facebook is clearly not appropriate.

We have tried to approach him but he's been incredibly defensive. He insists there's nothing wrong or illegal with what he has done and when challenged he walked off, very angry, saying that we're breaching his privacy by mentioning these events. I have sent him a long email explained we're only doing this out of concern because at this rate he'll be caught, and the punishments could be severe (especially since he wants to be a doctor and this would kill his chances of that) but have received no reply as of yet.

Thanks for the responses, Kitten Milk and Chou Toshio, they were quite reassuring.

 

[Minwu]

Confront him in wholly explicit terms and establish he is a rapist and his shit needs to stop. If you want my personal suggestion I would honestly try to get him to say what he did again and report it. No shit he cares about his privacy.

 

[WaterBomb]

Nothing a good punch to the cock wouldn't fix.

Serious response: If you can't get through to him from the angle you've tried, approach it a different way. You really just need to remind him that it's creepy as hell and if he ever wants to actually get laid in life he needs to keep that stuff to himself. Nobody can tell him what does/does not appeal to him sexually, but he needs to understand he doesn't have to express his thoughts in all cases. One day he really is going to get the crap beat out of him over it, and he care spare himself a lot of pain.

 

[Stratos]

He was 18 when he forced himself onto another girl (who was 16) who hadn't given consent and actually ran away and was in tears afterwards.

Uh how about the fact that your friend is literally a rapist

 

[THE_IRON_...KENYAN?]

how do i go down on a girl if she has only 1 leg?

 

[frogoholic101]

Uh how about the fact that your friend is literally a rapist

This particular incident he groped the girl but didn't penetrate her, which is the legal definition of rape here, nor was she a minor, so I'm not sure if it is more akin to sexual assault... Either way, that's bad, and the episode in the Boys' School does make him a rapist anyway.

Anyway, thanks WaterBomb and Minwu, we've decided we're going to be frank. We're also going to say that any further actions he undertakes will be reported to his parents, the schools, and the police. He has admitted one of the offences to me in writing and one other one via text to another friend, so we do have some evidence should we need it, but I hope he'll actually take a step back and realise what he's going is unacceptable.

Actually, I just had another look and it turns out if he was 18 and she was 16 then that is a situation where the girl would be treated as a minor, which makes the offence worse...

 

[Myzozoa]

This particular incident he groped the girl but didn't penetrate her, which is the legal definition of rape here, nor was she a minor, so I'm not sure if it is more akin to sexual assault... Either way, that's bad, and the episode in the Boys' School does make him a rapist anyway.

i don't know your situation and there is often a lack of viable means to report sexual assaults in a satisfactory way, however you haven't explained why you haven't already reported it and don't plan to. why wait? do you want to report it AFTER he does it again? looking out for your 'friend' isn't the right thing to do here.

your friend group is taking the action that you would expect from teenagers who resist responsibility, he isn't taking responsibility for his actions, and yall aren't taking responsibility for justice.

 

[frogoholic101]

We haven't already reported it because:

- The event in question happened over half a year ago
- The girl whom he forced himself onto doesn't want to report it, or be a part of the reporting process (no idea why; she clearly hates him for it)
- The girl whom he fingered also saw no problem with what he was doing, and the girl who gave him oral sex also "agreed" to do so, even though she legally could not consent
- There is likely no evidence available apart from the girl's word, and although he's admitted it he's only done it in speech, nothing that was recorded
- The courts rarely care about statutory rape when the age difference is so slim so we were worried this could be something about nothing (see why I was wondering if we weren't seeing things to begin with)
- And, as you've guessed, he's a friend and we are, perhaps unreasonably, hoping that he'll sort himself out
- He's currently at a university in London, very far from where we are now.

Now, of course, none of the above are reasons why we shouldn't report him, I know. We're just finding it difficult.

 

[religiousjedi]

This is one huge cluster...

The second reason you give disturbs me because it suggests that this girl is either embarrassed about the ordeal, frightened by the guy, or both. This is all the more reason it should be reported, even if it happened over half a year ago. What really disturbs me is your friend's sexual drive. There is nothing wrong with having fantasies of sex or a sexual drive. The fact that he treats it so casual is the disturbing part; he may reach the point (as others have pointed out) of no return and commit an act which will scar an innocent person for life. This may have already happened with that 16 year old.

 

[Crux]

Or, if a victim of sexual assault or rape doesn't want to prosecute it then you shouldn't pressure them because they might not want to relive the experience or have that experience take over their life during the proseuctorial process.

It's a very firm reason not to report, not "all the more reason".

 

[DM]

You should probably stop talking to this guy and cut all ties with him. If you're not going to report his behavior, you'd do good to distance yourself from it so you're not prosecuted later for knowing these things and doing nothing about them.

Basic fact: he is showing a pattern of escalating sexual abuse. He won't just STOP doing this, it will only get worse. What are you going to do about it?

 

[frogoholic101]

I'm going to inform both of the schools. You're all right. What he has done is disgusting and illegal and I'm giving him preferential treatment just because he is my friend. That's not right. He said he'd stop and then he goes and fingers a girl in the Girls' school. He's not going to improve without proper intervention.

 

[MrIndigo]

I wouldn't describe the described activities as necessarily paedophilic given his age, but they are in all cases inappropriate and in some cases illegal.

However, those types of facebook messages in contexts where they're not appropriate are red flags that he may end up sexually abusive. Lots of abusers force sexual topics into conversations as a way of scoping the susceptibility of potential targets. At the very least, it shows an inability to understand or respect normal social mores.