Serious Relationships and Sex Ed Thread

I've read that in a relationship you need to give as well as take (so compromise) yet on the other hand stay true to your own values. How do you reconcile these two bits of advice?
 

DM

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Those two statements are very compatible. Compromise is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but there is a difference between compromise (i.e., changing your views on a certain matter) and changing your very self to suit the other person. One is acceptable, the other will only (likely) lead to heartbreak.
 
So you're saying there's a line between what minors views you can compromise on and what is pat of "your very self"? Sounds kind of nebulous to me...
 
Compromise isn't generally about changing or giving up your opinion though. It's about conflict resolution. Obviously viewpoints come into it, but mostly it's just in terms of seeing things through the other person's POV, understanding where they're coming from and being fair about resolving a fight. You can't constantly be a selfish asshole who gives no fucks about anyone else, but you also can't let yourself be walked all over and taken advantage of. Ultimately, there's going to be a fine line between the two, but I think most people who are capable of empathising and have actual self-esteem can tell where that line is.

That said, changing yourself isn't always going to be a negative. Sometimes people are total assholes who should change because they're terrible people.
 
Compromise is about finding a mutually agreeable middle ground; it's not about giving up your position because the other person says so.

The compromises that occur in the relationship are usually about behaviours rather than personality, too. You're not changing who you are, you're just changing what you do or how often you do it.
 

WaterBomb

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Also, agreeing to disagree (in an amicable way, of course) is still an option for compromise. If you come across an issue that you truly cannot find middle ground on, you must find a way to minimize the effect that issue has on your life. For instance, if you and your partner differ in your political or religious views, simply don't talk about them. If it's something more central like how to raise children, then you just need to keep talking, talking, and talking until a resolution is achieved. Don't confuse "conceding points" with "changing views", because one does not necessarily have to follow the other.

Also, learning to "pick your battles" is necessary. If your partner really really wants to watch Titanic, and you don't really like it but you don't have any definite preference, don't waste your time arguing over it. If the issue is minor and unimportant, don't stress over disagreements.
 

DM

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Yeah, I have no idea what I was talking about. Compromise is finding middle ground, not changing your opinion. I think American politics have polluted my mind beyond help.
 
I wish we could just have a bipartisan relationship, one that works across the aisle to find the best solution for the american people
 

Redew

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About this time last year, I had a really great relationship going with this girl from school. No real sexual things involved, but it was still a very nice feeling to have someone there. Anyway, I was a freshman and she was a senior, and an athletic, sporty, and perky one at that. I honestly thought that never in a thousand years she would like me. Well, one day, my friend finds out for me that she does. We start talking and I guess we're just a normal couple. We couldn't technically hold the title, but we did everything we could within the law (which might sound dumb, but I didn't want her in jail). So, this lasted for a while, and Christmas break was amazing. We hung out all the time, went to the movies, etc, and we got each other gifts for Christmas. Well, school starts and she tells me that she doesn't want to be too attached to anything before she leaves. Valid reason, right? That's what I thought. A week or so later she ends up dating this douchebag guy who has pretty much dated a lot of other girls and has had sex with them as well. I don't know, was it because I couldn't drive or something? I feel that my young age (compared to hers) held me back in the relationship. I never took rides from her because I would feel bad, but there were a few times where I had to or I would have frozen to death. But, anyway, it's really left me bitter about dating ever since, and I can never tell a girl I like them even if they like me.

There is this one girl, though, who I really do like, and it's been the first in a year. Before asking if she liked me / telling her I liked her, I asked my best friend if I could. Not sure if it's bro code or something, but I did. He said he was fine with it and I asked three more times just to make sure. Well, about a month later I found out that she liked me, and I excitedly told him, "she likes me, man!" He responded with a, "dude, that's awesome!" I thought everything would be fine. That night she seemed a bit off, so I asked her what was wrong. She forwarded me a text from my best friend saying something along the lines of "I've liked you since the day I looked at you." She told me that she doesn't want to ruin my friend and my's friendship, so she said she wasn't going to choose until she was 16 (which is the "church-legal" dating age in our church). I have pretty much confirmed that she likes me and not him (99%), but she still won't say anything in fear of me and my friend's friendship being broken forever. Well, the truth is that nothing can really fix it, because I ultimately felt betrayed, lied to, shot, etc.

So, yeah, that is my old situation and my current one.
 

alamaster

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Yeah idgi, unless the friend liked her too or something, maybe we're missing part of the story here. You sure have some weird rules about dating "church-legal" "was afraid she was gonna go to jail" lol
 

Redew

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Yeah idgi, unless the friend liked her too or something, maybe we're missing part of the story here. You sure have some weird rules about dating "church-legal" "was afraid she was gonna go to jail" lol
I thought he did and I wanted to be sure, but when he said no then I went for it.

The senior was 18 by December, and the Romeo and Juliet laws (no joke. look them up) were in place then.

church-legal is just a thing i use to say that we shouldn't date until we are 16, and most of us follow the rule

although sometimes it sucks
 

az

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Yeah, I have no idea what I was talking about. Compromise is finding middle ground, not changing your opinion. I think American politics have polluted my mind beyond help.
hahahahha yeah i read that post and was like "adam......... adam what..........."
 

cim

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hey so i have a shitty "friend"

he says really sex-negative and rapey things all the time and as a Bro Dude ive pushed them off a little bit and been able to ignore them or just bitch at him when he says them. but it's gotten kinda bad lately! a few weeks ago he said my girlfriend was a gold-digging whore who was just fucking me for financial reasons. that was pretty shitty, and now the two of them are never in the same room, but it gets worse!

it turns out when you make it a policy to bitch about "friendzoning women" and how evil feminists won't let you stop rapes from happening by blaming the victim (this guy legitimately believes the short skirt = rape bullshit), that it might make you more likely to be sexually douchey! so a girl i don't talk to much showed me these crazy offensive / sexually harassing texts this guy sends and they are pretty awful! Like, "i will cum on your face" awful. so i asked him to back it the fuck off, and since he is the King Of Rationalization he has made the following arguments in his defense - "you're missing context" (the context is "she was thinking of setting up an okcupid" - not making this up, that's the only context!), "she asked me to be more sexually explicit" (never happened), "you're a stupid (BAN ME PLEASE) white knight", etc

so i decided to talk to some other girl that he mentions on a somewhat regular basis about this, and guess what, she gets sexually harassed all the time too. so this guy is just pretending to be a social outcast / fuckup or is at least exploiting his naivete to get away with it. what do i do other than never talk to him again
 

WaterBomb

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Guys like that need to be donkey punched in the cock.

And then when he's down you take a dump on his chest.
 
I think you'd be better off not associating with this guy anymore
QFT.

Seriously though this guy sounds like a real heel. I mean just saying your girlfriend "gold-digging whore who was just fucking me for financial reasons" alone would be enough to make me want to clobber this asshole, let alone him coming on too strong with my friends.

Not the type of dude I'd be comfortable hanging around. Might be the type that would go balls deep with no permission.
 

Fishy

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ask him how often he cries when he strokes his baby dick

seriously, what a fucking idiot, i hate that people like that exist
 
Have you tried explaining why the shit he says is fucking terrible without getting raged at him for it? Maybe some gentle persuasion could work? I dunno, I'd find it hard to not get angry at that sort of shit, but I'm not sure what other options there are besides not talking to him and warning any mutual female friends you have against giving him their phone numbers and/or spending time with him. While he probably does deserve a punch in the cock, I'm pretty sure getting violent with him will just draw him further into the "you're a pussy-whipped white knight" mentality.

You'd think you having a girlfriend and him not would clue him into the fact that his shit just isn't working for women, but I guess acting like a victim is always the easiest thing to do.
 

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