Smogoff Fanfiction Faceoff: GWAH, HAH, HAH, HAH. WELCOME TO THE BOWSER'S GAME.

[Theorymon]

Hello! My name is professor Theory Mon, head professor of fictional universe studies at Smogon University. I'm specfically an expert on Mushroom Kingdom history, and Wobbuffet ecology, but I have an experiment that I need help with from you students!

I have invented a device that allows people and creatures from other unverses to temporarily comunicate through my Smogon account! There's no telling what could happen when I activate this device, because much like Pokemon battles, it all comes down to luck! I'll be activating this machine now. Please give whoever hijacks my account some attention. Who knows, they may have a fun activity for you!

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GWAH HAH HAH HAH, I, THE ALMIGHTY BOWSER, AM FINALLY BACK ON SMOGON!

Seriously, last time I was here, I hijacked Theorymon's account 6 years ago! https://www.smogon.com/forums/threads/gwah-hah-hah-hah-welcome-to-the-bowsers-game.3545940/

And it sucked. My caps lock key was stuck, and that dweeb got away without his avatar getting defaced. The nerve of that nerd, I bet he has some dumb excuse lined up like "oh no I'm dying because my lungs caught on fire" or "oh but I must finish this 3000 page essay on how to use Swords Dance!". And why did I suggest poems?! I HATE POEMS, poems are for wimps like Toad! Not this time, this time I get revenge on that stupid Mario fanboy!

THIS TIME, WE REALLY GET TO DEFACE HIS AVATAR, BWHAHAHAHAHA!

This time, in order for me to deface his avatar... I want...

35 FANFICTION STORIES ABOUT HOW AWESOME I AM! I was hoping just as much as the rest of you that Mario would finally be dead after 35 years, but I called up green stache, and he said "Oh no no, Mario is cooking. I hope he makes lots of spaghetti!" Then he screamed after I told him who I was, GHWAHAHHA! With 35 stories about how cool I am, maybe Mario will finally give up!

Once we have 35 pieces of art about yours truely, we'll vote on the best one. Whatever wrote the best story, gets to change Theorymon's avatar for ONE MONTH, BWHAHAHAHAAH!

Now before we make this doofus pay, I need to lay out my rules, or my ex-wife's lawyers will come after me again.

Rule 1: Every story must have a part where I beat Mario! It can be in any way you wish: I could kick his butt with my mighty muscles, outsmart him using my big, smooth brain, or win in the art of romance with my good looks! However you do it, Mario must lose!

Rule 2: It has to be somewhat safe for work. I like to read stories about how cool I am to my son every night, the last thing I want is another call from my ex-wife!

Rule 3: It must be at least 5 paragraphs long, not including diologue. I hate reading just as much as you, ESPECIALLY stupid English teachers, but I HATE POEMS, ESPECIALLY HAIKUS (unless I wrote them). 5 paragraphs gives you plenty of room to show how I'm the best!

Rule 4: ONLY ONE STORY PER PERSON! I need variety to showcase how radical I am!

Rule 5: Not a rule, but try to make them funny. I hate sappy stories, make them funy and about how much I kick butt!

GET CRACKIN MY MINIONS, LET'S SHOW THOSE PESKY PLUMBERS JUST HOW AWESOME I AM!

 

[doipy hooves]

I should probably be sleeping but I'll rise to the challenge, let's get this to 35.

x4
Mario was getting tired of this. He was running low on lives, the music was playing faster, and this was not going to be a funny bing bong wahoo type of level. There was no room to roam on this tiny platform, and nowhere to jump other than into the endless abyss. The only visible objects were the four coloured pipes jutting out of nowhere, with no sign of what lied beyond them. Deciding to get the ordeal over with one way or another, the plumber entered the nearest green pipe, finding himself dropped into a pit of spikes while a swarm of sound effects assaulted his senses.

x3
The next pipe would be a humble yellow pipe, dropping Mario into an walled off room with a locked door in the centre. A lone Bowser stood at the other end of the room. In his hand he held a small yellow key, the likes of which that could unlock almost any door, and yet he had chosen to remain isolated. Looking around the room, Mario could only see wall, devoid of any powerup pipes that would guarantee his overcoming this obstacle. "Why are you here?" Mario asked. "This is not-a good level design." The Bowser roared and spit a fireball. The plumber glanced back up at the pipe, too far up to jump back into, and accepted his fate.

x2
Mario evaluated his options. That locked door could be the path to victory, but he would have to obtain a method of attack first. After searching for invisible blocks, Mario had no other option but to resign himself to the whims of fate once again and jumped into the blue pipe. Exiting from the skies above, he was greeted with the glorious sight of the flagpole and castle barely in view. Unfortunately, Mario was ejected above the void with nothing to help him maneuver, and so the plumber's last action was to shut his eyes to avoid any lingering regrets.

x1
Mario ran into the red pipe and emerged into another closed room, but this time with no Bowser and a way of retreat. A pipe generated Fire Flowers from above. "Just what I needed!" Backtracking from the blood-red pipe into the golden-yellow one once again, Mario was prepared for battle this time. One hit would be his end and so he needed to end this flawlessly. After carefully ducking and jumping through flame blasts for a minute, Mario eventually managed to pepper the Bowser with 20 shots and win the day. With looted key in hand, Mario unlocked the door and prepared to move on from this nightmaric scenario.

The door led to a spiked platform that knocked out Mario's fire power, but the main grassland was only a jump away. Mario made his last sprint towards the end, but soon screeched to a halt when he saw a big problem he had missed from afar earlier. Victory was not as assured as he had assumed, as guarding the flagpole was an abomination of two stacked giant Bowsers. "Have anything to criticize this time, Mario? Ha ha ha!" bellowed the Bowsers. Mario could have ranted about all the horrors he had witnessed up to this point, but at that moment he was focused on the end of his challenge and answered the question genuinely. "Well as a matter of fact, I do. This is not fair at all. How am I supposed to get past you?"

"You just passed it, obviously you take the hidden star block on the edge. But now it's too late!" While Bowser was explaining, Mario found new resolve and started laughing back. "Thanks Bowser, now I know how to beat you! You just spoiled the biggest secret of this level you stupid turtle." The plumber raced back to the edge and uncovered the secret star, but as he gained the rainbow powers of invincibility, he also felt his mortality overcoming him. "No!!! Not here! Not now! ahh mamma mia..."

x0 (assume this is the kind of game where 0 lives is when you are dead)
As Mario's consciousness faded away, the last thing he heard was Bowser's gloating. "Not even the star power can protect you against my ultimate weapon, the time limit! Better play quicker next time; oh wait, the game's over! Too bad! GWAHAHAHA!"

(Author's note: This took longer to write than I expected. Also I have not played a mario maker.)