The SMP 500 (Smogoff Mod Portfolio 500) currently consists of:
Rental properties in London
beanie babies (additional)
Short positions on US Treasury Bonds
24 karat gold we got from a guy at a flea market. he assured us it was real
Bullish positions on medtech stocks in FDA phase 1
blockbuster stock. for some reason we weren't allowed to buy it directly so we got old membership cards instead
beanie babies (further)
Holdings in Japanese Yen
an algorithmic trading program that picks stocks based on the movement of the gen 3 randbats ladder
an insane amount of put options bought on margin. holy shit that's a lot of puts. even more than the beanie babies
and 487 more investments of the same stellar caliber as the ones i just listed
Obviously you want to buy in, but I should let you know that we have two versions of the SMP 500 you can buy into. We did this because War And Buffet... err I mean Warren Buffet... does it with berkshire hathaway and we're as good at finance as him so we can do it with our thing too. Our cheaper option is SMP 500 A (A is short for absence of money). The option where we won't throw mud at you and make you sit in high chairs during investor meetings is SMP 500 B (B is short for bitcoin millionaire, which you have to be to buy it).
We've managed to outperform the whole stock market with our mutual fund. Now if only we could outperform that blindfolded monkey that Burton Malkiel keeps talking about.