Serious Thanksgiving Turkey PSA

Myzozoa

to find better ways to say what nobody says
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Past WCoP Champion
Hello, it is I, Thanksgiving Fairy myzozoa. I have been watching over you as you serve dry, flavorless oven-baked turkey at Thanksgiving dinner year after year and I can finally take no more. With just one month until Thanksgiving, I am making this announcement to help you leave behind your wasteful turkey practices of years past. Before reading this announcement you cooked your turkey in resentiment, blindly following the traditions you inherited from your hapless progenitors. After reading this PSA you will be a free-thinking scientist of turkey gastronomy. The turkeys you will cook following my principles will be so powerful that they will spawn new Thanksgiving traditions. You will cast-aside your ovens, you will set aside your DELUSION that you can make a good turkey in an oven with a spatchcock technique, you will find the ENERGY to BRINE your turkey, you will become a 'grill master', you will dominate the Thanksgiving meta and impress your whole extended family with your turkey prowess.



Let us consider the vexxing Thanksgiving metagame. First you have the turkey... capitalist ideology presents you with many options for how to cook this, the most popular being the oven. But, you also have to prepare several side dishes, the stuffing, the cranberry sauce, the mash potatoes, the gravy, the green bean casserole, the soup, the sweet potato dish, the salads. And these are just the bare minimum, many of us will go on to cook several other main course items. And then you have dessert, you need at least 2 pies, and possibly a third pie or cheesecake depending on the pie combo you decide on. Of course you can outsource some of these requirements to your guests, but there is no getting away from it: Your oven is going to be working overtime to accommodate all these dishes and a turkey as well.

So this year: DONT MAKE YOUR TURKEY IN THE OVEN MAKE IT ON A GRILL

Do you think the pilgrims made their first thanksgiving turkey in a convection oven? then why do you make your turkey in a convection oven?

Facts about BBQ turkey:

1. It's faster than the oven
2. It tastes 1000x better than the oven, objectively.
3. It won't dry out the breast and the dark meat gets perfectly cooked.
4. no need to spatch-cock your turkey before it goes in the oven in a futile effort to save yourself from a terrible turkey, bbq turkey utilizes the natural aerodynamics of your turkey for a perfect cook.
5. while turkey is on the grill, oven is free to be used for pies and other dishes.

To BBQ your turkey you will need:

1. A 22" weber grill. if you'd been following a virtuous path you already own this affordable mainstay of American cookery, if not, you can buy one for ~$100 and have great bbq for the rest of your life.

2. a turkey of no more than 22lbs, with best results coming from 12-16lb bird.

On Brining:

Now the other thing I've noticed that you do is you don't brine your turkey. You, ignorant of all science, say "the turkey I get at the supermarket is pre-brined, if I brine it it will get too salty". But you're wrong. Brining does not add salt, brining works by osmosis, i.e, it is water that moves, not salt. Your supermarket turkey is soaked in chemical filled corporate factory farmed brine. By brining the turkey again you will add the flavor of your nice brine and reduce the disgusting flavor of capitalism in your turkey. Your brine will consist mainly of sugar, which will saturate the surface of your turkey to prepare the formation a perfect color from malliard reactions when you smoke it on the grill. Note the perfect autumnal red color of the turkey I BBQed at Christmas last year, this comes from a sugary re-brining of a supermarket bird:
20201126_154150 (1).jpg


Finally, any extra salt that does get into your bird will actually help it hold onto water and stay moist.

Brine recipe:
1 c. firmly packed brown sugar

3/4 c. Salt

1 T. Minced garlic

1 t. Black peppercorns

2 dried bay leaves

In a bowl or pan (at least 12 to 14 qt.) combine 3 qts. Water, brown sugar, salt, garlic, peppercorns and bay leaves. Stir until, sugar and salt are dissolved. Add turkey, cover and chill for 2 hours turning bird over occasionally.


Finally the BBQ Recipe in it's entirety, note: I tend to brine my turkeys overnight using the same recipe above:

PREP AND COOK TIME: 2 hours to brine plus 2 to 3 hours to cook, depending on size of bird.

NOTES: You can brine the bird the day before then rinse well, cover and refrigerate until time to cook. (I brined my turkey the day before.) Hickory wood chips are sold beside charcoal briquets in markets and hardware stores.

MAKES: Allow 3/4 pound uncooked turkey per person, more for leftovers.

1 turkey (15 to 20 lbs.) I used a 13 lb. bird.

1 c. firmly packed brown sugar

3/4 c. Salt

1 T. Minced garlic

1 t. Black peppercorns

2 dried bay leaves

2 to 3 c. Hickory or other wood chips (I used more than 4 cups, probably about 6 big wood lumps, which gives a better smoke than tiny wood chips)

1. Remove and discard leg truss from turkey. Pull off and discard lumps of fat. Remove giblets and neck (reserve for other uses). Rinse bird well.

2. In a bowl or pan (at least 12 to 14 qt.) combine 3 qts. Water, brown sugar, salt, garlic, peppercorns and bay leaves. Stir until, sugar and salt are dissolved. Add turkey, cover and chill for 2 hours turning bird over occaisionally.

3. In a bowl, combine wood chips and 2 to 3 qts. hot water.

4. Lift turkey from brine and rinse thoroughly under cold running water rubbing gently to release salt; pat dry with towels. Discard brine. Insert a meat thermometer straight down through the thickest part of the turkey breast to the bone.

5. On a charcoal barbecue (20 to 22 in. wide) with a lid, mound and ignite 40 charcoal briquets on fire grate. When coals are spotted with gray ash, in about 20 minutes, push equal portions to opposite sides of firegrate. Place a foil drip pan between mounds of coals. To each mound add 5 briquets and 1/2 cup drained, soaked wood chips now and every 30 minutes (until all chips are used). Set grill in place. Set turkey breast up, on grill over drip pan. (I cover the wings, drumstick tips and breast with foil. I removed the foil from the breast at 1 hour from the end and put it back on 1/2 hour from the end. Cover barbeque and open vents. (I poured some chip water in the drip pan when the fat started smoking.)


6. Cook turkey until thermometer registers 160°, in 2 to 3 hours: start checking after 1 hour. My turkey is usually done at about 2 hours, 20 minutes-2 hours 45 minutes. (Note: I checked the drumstick and it was indeed exactly 180° when the breast was 160°. Also, I used the instant thermometer, not a meat thermometer.)

7. Drain juices from cavity into drippings and reserve for other uses. Transfer turkey to a large platter; let rest for 15 to 30 minutes before carving.


So there you have it, you are now freed from the shackles of ignorance and can go forth to make amends for your past turkey cooking sins. Feel free to debate me in this thread if you still have any illusions about proper turkey technique. I will make an American out of you yet and restore your Thanksgiving rituals to their historic roots.
 

Myzozoa

to find better ways to say what nobody says
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Past WCoP Champion
We fry our turkey
nice try, but you'd be dead by now if you were frying your turkey every year for as long as youve been alive. don't attempt this ppl. although a good turkey is important there is no need to endanger yourself and your property to make a deep fried turkey. theres a month still before thanksgiving, if youre concerned that bbq turkey is too difficult I recommend practicing a few weeks beforehand to make sure you're comfortable on thanksgiving day.
 

Ununhexium

Orange Vanilla Coke
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Myzozoa homie we just take appropriate safety precautions such as using an appropriate amount of oil and not doing it on our deck

You can fry a turkey without burning down your house believe it or not
 

Myzozoa

to find better ways to say what nobody says
is a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Past WCoP Champion
I’m personally the fondest of undercooked turkey my parents won’t admit is undercooked until they themselves see the raw bits. Wonderful family bonding moment of no one eating turkey.
whatever method you decide on, bbq being the one I recommend since I have no doubts that it is both the easiest and best method, a meat thermometer is mandatory.
 

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