There's a lot to life so I'm told. So much to do, so much to see. To me this is a lie. I was never meant to be alive, I was a mistake when my parents got drunk. I grew up with my mother as my father and mother split. We lived with my great grandmother for over 10yrs. My grandmother dying when I was young and my great grandmother a few years back. Living in a house away from everyone at school, being in an old person's home, and having an alcoholic mother weren't the best things to have in life. Not fitting in with kids at school, teachers disliking me, and scolding me. It would carry on throughout school. I dropped out gave up, I didn't want to move or do anything. I got suicidal thoughts since 8th grade. I was alone, no friends, no one loved me, and always looked down upon.
So being in a place where I have given up, I was mindlessly playing games when I ran into a girl. She went by the name of Death. Fitting I know. So Death and I start out as ppl we see every so often, then she messaged me wanting to spend more time. This turns into a relationship where we spent the entire day together. Life would go on, we had fun days. Then suicidal thoughts. I'd turn to her as I had no one to turn to and this would go on until one day someone was being a asshat to me in a call and she didn't say anything or do anything. Messaged me privately after saying everything was ok. She then hungout with the guy and started laughing and they all started having a good time together as a group whilst I'm there in silence in the call being hurt. She would go on to break up with me afterwards. She said she was tired of my shit and was done. I was hurt not only because I was having problems irl with my mother but now the only person I had in my life hated me. I needed to spend time with her, before hand because I felt so bad and then shit happens and gets worse.
Moving on to how to the coming day. I begin to feel like an ass, I mean she got upset at me for me dealing with problems so I blamed myself. So what do I do? I try harder. If I try harder I will be alright. This would continue for a few months. I felt so shitty, and had no idea what to do that I started making her gifts, songs, all of that stuff I worked for months on everything. The day we met July 17th, I was gonna make her happy, surprise her. And that's where my luck starts to show. My computer's motherboard fries. I lose everything...I go into a panic. I don't have a phone or anything. It gets so bad I have to see a doctor. He gives me meds that calm me down and I have to go a month without a computer and I'm addicted to it. It's hope I copped with life. I see councilors and others to see what I should do. They said I had to wait, all I could do. Time passes, and I get a new computer. Things sorta fan out the same I guess. I use the computer to cope and pass time. We start talking again everything feels like the same I guess.
We talked about stuff like visiting each other, and meeting each other but in December 2018 I had another suicidal break down. She was pissed at me. Said she didn't want to see me for like 7yrs. This is competently out of the blue for me. So feeling like shit like its my fault, I need to try harder.
So time passes and we are in April 2019. She is a huge Iron Man fan and we wanted to see the Avengers movie together. We planned on me visiting her and seeing this. She even made comments if ya know what I mean. So its April, and I'm excited, after thinking about her non-stop for a year I finally was gonna meet her. And then she backed out. Said it had to do with her not wanting me around her family.
I see the movie, and am heart broken if you know what happens. Knowing she's gonna be upset I don't spoil it for her, I just spend time with her.
She later would tell me it was because I was "In love" with one of her friends. And that she couldn't trust me. I gave her time, money, and love. She didn't trust me. She has her own problems too. With suicide and emotions. Dating guys/girls all the time. She would tell me shit stuff. I don't know if it was her way of trying to get rid of me or because I was her friend. But I would push myself harder. Blaming myself for my failure. Times go on, so lets fast forward to 2020.
Life for me irl is horrible. Being evicted, my mother is stealing from me, and hates me.There homeless people stealing from me, people attacking me, and people threatening to kill me. MY OWN MOTHER MOCKS ME ABOUT SUICIDE....my mother breaks my computer screen. So that hurt. I was trying my best here. All of this crazy shit is happening to me, so I turn to Death. She starts ignoring me. I tell her I am having suicidal thoughts and that I need to spend time with a friend please. She then messages me saying how she doesn't like to spend time with me, all I do is look to hurt her, that she only wants to spend time with me when others are around. That if I wanna spend time with her I need to be happy and sane. So hear I am feeling alone and hurt and she does this to me.
I finally get to spend time with her, its with a group. The other guy leaves and its just me and her, we play together a bit and she's having a good time laughing. Things are going well. She invites some random guy from a game we just played. Death talks about how she is in a relationship after the guy asked if her & I were dating. And he's chill at first. Then he turns into an asshole.
The next day she's back to ignoring me, and later tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and is not dating the guy we just met yesterday. Saying how she's "In Love". She hates the love word with a passion. But loves saying it to him. She said he makes her feel safe and happy. And I'm so confused as to what's going on. So for the last 2 weeks they've met each other randomly are now dating and everything begins to pick up from here.
Over the 2 week period her new bf is pissing off, her brother, who she lives with his family because both her parents died when she was young. He cousins, arguing with everyone. Being an asshole and just arguing non-stop. I tell her this and she say he's just passionate. So he has to be an asshole and get upset when someone calls him out for something.
So last night he messaged me randomly for the first time. Said that he was trying to help me. Told me that I am making everyone sad. That I have no right to be depressed because it makes others sad. How dare I hurt others. He tells me to move on, and give up on her because she is his now. And they are dating and in love. Naturally I ask him what he's trying to get from this. He sees me as someone looking to hurt her. And I tell him I'm not. So I explain to him where everything is coming from. How some random guy comes in from no where, starts dating my friend so quickly, is pissing off her friends and family and is being a prick. He threatens to kill me, which I brought up with her, she shrugged it off like he's not going to, you provoked him.
He insults me, tells me that I have issues that I don't deserve to feel sad because he lost his family a couple weeks ago, and all he has is her. So I need to leave them alone and not bother them anymore....Of course I'm gonna make sure he's ok and say sorry. But I'm not just gonna roll over and let him have what he wants because he has a hard time as well.
They end up messaging saying how they are moving in together tmrw on her birthday. And that they plan to get married in 2 weeks....
None of what is happening makes any sense. So I start talking to her about it. She's all on board. Can't wait to get married, and move in with this guy she just randomly met 2 weeks ago online.
She then goes on to say that I don't have part in her life if I keep making her feel like shit, that I'm not gonna ever be with her, that me loving her makes he feel scared and not safe.
So I try to talk it out with her, being confused and not wanting to loose a friend. She then starts acting like an asshole and ends up blocking me.
I find a way to end up talking to her for like 15 seconds and she calls me psychotic. She wants nothing to do with me, and doesn't care what happens to me or her, because she's "In love"
I talked to a hotline last night so calm me down. But I still feel like shit. I have no one in my life, my family hates me, and I'm stuck in a bad place.
Will take everything one step at a time just needed to let myself be heard.
If you asked me 7 months ago I would still be alive, and determined to get my life back, I wouldn't have believed you. What happened to me over 200 days ago was something I will never be able to forget. I still have PSTD from all that has happened. I've dealt with so much to get to this point, been in survival mode and it's been damn exhausting. Stressing out housing, being homeless, being attacked, losing everything I had...it's fucking traumatic. I still don't have my normal life back. I say normal, but chaotic environments are suppose to be normal for me.
February: I was an emotional wreck. And I could never relax. I wake up in the middle of the night vomiting, in tears, in complete terror. At that moment I lost my girl. Someone who I connected with unlike anyone. Someone who has shared so much pain with me. When you are alone and in pain constantly, you love someone, and that someone spends everyday with you develop a bond with them unlike anything else in this world. Now imagine having that person out of the blue turn on you in your worst moment in life, have them think you are mentally insane and start dating some random prick who gets everything you've ever wanted, everything you dreamed of, told you aren't allowed to have and tortured yourself about for 4 years. That's the closest I can make it for someone to understand my pain this month. Any and everything I did reminded me of her, made me hate her boyfriend, suffering left and right also having to deal with being homeless soon, having no friends and no money.
So not being able to relax, enjoy things I loved, or escape my mental torture I was dealing with I sought medical help. I was given drugs for cramps, vomiting, relaxing you name it. I was diagnosed with PTSD and Serve Depression. As well as some other stuff but that's the main stuff. I also asked for a therapist because I was a mental wreck, I wanted to die every second of the day. And was put on a waiting list. As weeks went on my doses were increase, frequency increase and given way strong medications. (ex. 500mg) I was never able to relax or try and escape because of the being homeless thought looming. I told my doctor about everything every week. And how things weren't improving. So we tried more medicine and what not. He gave me sleeping pilled to keep me asleep and to make sure I feel asleep. I was going sleep deprived beyond hell.
During this time I had to put in my effort to try and find a place to live. I never met anything so I felt stuck and trapped. My mother ruined her credit, no one would accept me for a roommate nothing. So I ended up texting my father. Haven't seen the guy since I was 12, so it would have been 8 years. He got back to me in March. Meanwhile my clinic had to call in a temporary therapist for me to see until the one I was waiting for was free. That's how bad I was mentally...
March: I was seeing my temp. therapist twice a week until March 18th when I got to see my main therapist. We talked about how everything was for me at first, she did the "everything will be alright, Vanessa (I'm not sure if I ever mentioned her name was my girlfriend) would see what a prick that guy was and come back to me" I had to explain to her it wasn't gonna work like that from her not caring if she died and just happy to finally have someone she could physically be with. "Grief is equal to how much we love something" The main thing I took from her. I loved Vanessa so much when I would grieve it was as if I was mortally wounding myself.
I met up with my father and we talked. He would say how he was upset my mother for taking me from him and all that. How I wasn't meant to be born because my mother didn't take birth control like she said. He ended up talking more about my mother & being homeless than the Vanessa stuff I wanted help with. He said I should join the air force or navy ect. Only made me remember Vanessa's new boyfriend being part of the Army..
On the 18th I met my therapist explained everything to her and all that, and I started to feel better a bit. The anxiety started to set in with the being homeless. Since we needed to be out by the 25th of March. Co-Vid ended up happening and we got an extra month. Until the end of April. Which I relaxed for a bit, finally being able to calm down after months of self-torture. But no hope in finding a place.
April: I was told we would be allowed to stay in my mother's friend's laundry room. That sounded horrible to me. Gave me anxiety...time went on, nothing. I could not find a place, mother stole all my money at this point without my knowledge. I was down 3k in less than a month. I was broke.
Therapy helped so much, she would ask me about Vanessa, and I would be happy. I was able to get my high off reliving and telling someone about how amazing Vanessa was. So with April coming to an end anxiety flared up again yea, I was gonna live in a laundry room.
At this point I've sorta gotten out my ranting phase. I can go into detail on shit but doesn't mean much and I kind of just want people to understand and hear my pain because I don't like being alone. So we will start with combining months March-August into one.
We get evicted, and I move into the laundry room. Day after I wake up and told the people we just moved in with are being evicted as well....yep that was my life. The people we moved in with are two-faced and started saying horrible things behind our backs. It got to the point where cops were involved everyday, they kicked my mother out, told me to report my mother to a mental place, laughed about ruining her life, looked me dead in the eyes and told me my dead grandmother was a horrible person...they started treating me and acting as if I was their son. "Call me grandma" "Call me dad" Like this was crazy...They broke my laptop, went through my pills, insulted and blamed my mother for everything didn't apologize once. I tried standing up to them and they told me if I didn't like what I heard to go live on the street and started laughing... So here I am dealing with so much shit already and being told this shit. One night I'm eating food and they bust in and tell me to get the fuck out because I'm not appreciating them, putting their hands on me and basically forcing me to please them so I have a place to stay...
I end up trying to date some people online but it's just not the same, I miss Vanessa. My therapist helping me with this was my only saving grace. One day said "fuck it" more or less. I asked my friend to talk to Vanessa say I needed to talk to her, adult to adult. At this point in time, I'm mentally stronger. I've worked towards this for months, I need to know if she wants me in her life. I need an answer to something. He ends up talking to her, and she said "I'm just not in the mental state to have that conversation with him" So I took that and i ran with it. It's been a few weeks since I was told this by my friend and I'm gonna text her on my birthday here in October and see what happens then.
As for housing, I had no money, no phone, no place to go. I ended up being allowed to stay in a 1970s trailer at the start of August, where I am currently now. It has broken windows, no power, nothing works, broken door but it's what I call a home. I deal with my co-workers talk about relationships all the time, ask each other to hang out, exclude me when I ask. My friends I have left, just two of them I hardly ever talk to because they too busy with their own lives. So every day for me is the same lonely as adventure pursuing and crying because I hate it. Vanessa is what I want more than anything at this point in life. I talk to her as if she is with me. (Not in a mentally crazy way) Im stronger and ready to move forward in life, it all starts with me getting to talk to Vanessa, whenever that is.
I distract myself here on pokemon showdown, joining tournaments, talking in chat, voicing my opinions because it keeps me busy which I need. For me its a dumb way of looking at it but if I lose a tournament or I dont have someone to talk to on showdown its a challenge for me irl because I need to sit around and deal with the pain of life ive been dealing with for months. I want nothing but compassion and to have fun. I dont want fake friends, I dont want to cry anymore. I know I am a better person mentally and want nothing more to help others in life. But it sucks when im told no, and i fight back because I dont want to suffer any more in any aspect of life. I want to prove myself to everyone, and i take it personally when some jackass denies me of this chance to fight my demons and escape.
If you took the time to read this, I am honored and thankful. I wish you nothing but the best and want to make sure everyone else is happier as well!
