Kind of a pathetic reason to make a post here, but I'm living completely on my own for the first time in my life. That along with a scary new job that prompted me to move have me on a bit of a rocky place mentally. I didn't really have much of a life back home anyways because I was and always have been a loser but being in a familiar place did bring me a lot of comfort which is not there anymore. I am kind of just hoping that I can somehow avoid screwing this job up which I really don't think I'll be able to do. The last year or so of graduate school I pretty much ruined everything I touched and had to leave academia, barely securing my master's degree, in order to salvage my mental health. At that point 9 months ago, I truly never wanted to do any kind of mental work ever again. I was a NEET for a few months after graduating, just living off my savings while applying for positions that I really didn't want and knew I couldn't handle. The fact that I was getting rejected from job after job after job just cemented in my mind that I didn't have the competence to succeed in my field. One of those hundreds of jobs I applied to finally agreed to take me but the process to get my checked out could take months, so I took a job in manufacturing while I was waiting. I was only there for a few months but it was having a profoundly positive effect on my mental health to be there. The work was simple and stress free. I never had to bring work back home with me. I didn't have to endure so much shame anymore. I went from being so tired and depressed that I couldn't motivate myself to watch TV shows or movies to finally getting some life back in me. Everybody around me that knew me throughout that full two year period could notice a dramatic difference. And now I'm voluntarily going back to a similar type of work that broke me that first time. I'm blessed to be able to use my degree but I also can't help but be sad about the situation.
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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
Had a good day today (well yesterday now since its 3am haha), woke up like "Ugh, I don't feel like doing this today." (Mainly cus I get Saturdays and Mondays off so Sundays just feel like the void in between lol), forgot my earbuds at home noticed only as I was walking into work, etc etc.
I get a few hours in and a girl I use to hang out with (Never a relationship, more so a link up thing but we always got along well and spoke when around each other as if we were more somehow), havent really spoke to her but sparingly since my Dad passed - esp since she had a kid not long after our time (Always cordial and friendly still though).
I had messaged her the other day just saying hope she's good cus she posted something on FB that legit made me laugh and I got a response from her I did not expect.. Thanking me for always being there, checking in. That she wants to put her rough edge and energy behind her [I got a thing for girls who got that "I'm as no nonsense as anyone else, man or woman" energy lol], be more loving and faith driven (since shes had a kid I guess she's "growing up" more - hell losing my would be 1st child, end of that relationship with the would be mother, and my dad soon passing after did it for me, around the same time I knew her in the way we knew one another was the same thing for me. Forced to grow up.).
Told me I made her day hearing from me, "I was always so nice, caring, and a good man," and the thing that blew me away was her saying she loved me.
Even if we just stay as the friendly former fling folk (Alliteration, nice lol), it was definitely incredibly nice getting some flowers, but she did ask me to come hang out sometime - so who knows. I always had a thing for her cus I loved her small, sweet and smart but "Take no nonsense" vibe. I like a woman like that lol
I get a few hours in and a girl I use to hang out with (Never a relationship, more so a link up thing but we always got along well and spoke when around each other as if we were more somehow), havent really spoke to her but sparingly since my Dad passed - esp since she had a kid not long after our time (Always cordial and friendly still though).
I had messaged her the other day just saying hope she's good cus she posted something on FB that legit made me laugh and I got a response from her I did not expect.. Thanking me for always being there, checking in. That she wants to put her rough edge and energy behind her [I got a thing for girls who got that "I'm as no nonsense as anyone else, man or woman" energy lol], be more loving and faith driven (since shes had a kid I guess she's "growing up" more - hell losing my would be 1st child, end of that relationship with the would be mother, and my dad soon passing after did it for me, around the same time I knew her in the way we knew one another was the same thing for me. Forced to grow up.).
Told me I made her day hearing from me, "I was always so nice, caring, and a good man," and the thing that blew me away was her saying she loved me.
Even if we just stay as the friendly former fling folk (Alliteration, nice lol), it was definitely incredibly nice getting some flowers, but she did ask me to come hang out sometime - so who knows. I always had a thing for her cus I loved her small, sweet and smart but "Take no nonsense" vibe. I like a woman like that lol
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I finally did it!
I am leaving smogon after LCPL finals on Sunday , not that this is a bad place, i just realized how much i made the friendships i made here as being the most prominent and important of my life as been here made me not face the reality that, my life sucks and only I can improve it.
Ik it is a very difficult thing to do as here I have 99% of my social life, maybe I comeback just to tell there is life out of here, thank you all of smogon for been incredibly companion in my fight against apathy and for been my place of safety during those 10 years.
I am super scared what this decision will be for my mental health but i dont wanna cope here anymore.
I am leaving smogon after LCPL finals on Sunday , not that this is a bad place, i just realized how much i made the friendships i made here as being the most prominent and important of my life as been here made me not face the reality that, my life sucks and only I can improve it.
Ik it is a very difficult thing to do as here I have 99% of my social life, maybe I comeback just to tell there is life out of here, thank you all of smogon for been incredibly companion in my fight against apathy and for been my place of safety during those 10 years.
I am super scared what this decision will be for my mental health but i dont wanna cope here anymore.
I talked to some of my friends about this already so I don't particularly have a reason to be posting here, but everything just feels so surreal that I had to let it out into the void
If I can get better from the absolute rock bottom to now the peak of cloud 9, you can too. With time, effort, and most importantly fortitude, things will get better. I hope whoever reads this or finds themself venting in here reaches the peace they are looking for <3. If you ever need help, reach out. You aren't alone even if it feels like it.
So, at some point during my time on Smogon, I posted here about how I've been unable to eat because there was something wrong with my esophagus or whatever and how I was on a liquid diet, that started in 2020. I don't remember when I made the post, probably 2021, but yeah. I've posted here and there in this thread (I think 2 more times after that, though most of it is deleted) and it may not seem like a huge deal immediately, but fuck me not eating for almost FOUR years and being on a liquid diet really takes its toll on you. I lost my social life, I couldn't go on dinner dates, get lunch with my family or friends, snack on things if I'm watching a movie, etc. The more as time went on the more I realized how many things are just planned around food and it made going out with again friends and family so incredibly difficult that my once vibrant social life just ended up collapsing and I became a recluse. It may not seem so crazy to begin with, but imagine going a week without eating anything, just drinking everything. I did that for 4 years. I ended up spending a lot of my time on the internet and on Smogon because this started all happening during quarantine (including me joining Smogon) so I didn't have much of a reason to do anything else, school has been online for me the past few years anyway (going in person next year, yay!) and etc.
Coupled with that, having to deal with being trans and navigate that while also having to perform well in school just made for a horrible concoction. I didn't realize it until recently tbh but I became passively suicidal for a very long time. In 2023 I had a lot of string of events happen 1 after another that I won't get into, but it lead me down an incredibly dark path, and around November-December (I think, I tend to block this from my memory xd) I ended up attempting to overdose, obviously it did not work lmao because I'm an idiot but yeah. I essentially did not want to live at all because the way I was, wasn't a way of living. I felt like a shell of my former self and it was so miserable and painful everyday to be reminded that I was not a normal person. Partying with friends and going out and not being able to really do anything besides sit and watch people enjoy food and etc. is the most soul crushing thing I think I've ever gone through. I'm 22 and nothing to show for it really besides a few useless degrees and certificates I've gotten from all the time I was able to allocate into school. I haven't gone to a party in almost 2 years now, haven't had the college experience I wanted (fingers crossed for my final 2 years though lol). Maybe it sounds dumb but my life was basically put on an indefinite hold when this happened. I had dreamed of going to college and finally becoming myself with no restrictions, then this came at me fast and knocked me on my ass, and I felt shackled at home and permanently visiting the ER at all angles of my life. Not to mention only having liquids makes for a very boring diet and I felt like I was in permanent limbo, doctors unable to do anything, not finding a diagnosis and etc. just a miserable fucking existence, and this has reflected in my behavior IRL and online for sure.
Once it became 2024, it was just another year to me. Didn't have any goals or anything besides to get estrogen (which I have, yay!) but there's other barriers with that via family and etc. but not the main point.
The reason I'm posting about this is because today I finally pushed past the bullshit and had a real meal lol. I cried during it, the entire time the only thing I could think of was "I'm free". I'm finally fucking free of that stupid curse. My doctors haven't found a diagnosis as to why I had some chronic esophagus issue and I'm not necessarily cured. It will be a long journey still, and maybe I'll regress at some point, but progress isn't linear. I've had a lovely Speech-Language Pathologist help me work through eating different kinds of consistencies and fuck does it feel good. But even before this, I had been undergoing a lot of growth mentally and just trying to navigate depression and how to work against it. My depression was really bad (obviously if I tried to OD LMAO), going to the store to get groceries, even just getting out of bed felt like a chore, but I just had to push myself. Even with this going on I just had to push myself to do it. It got to a point recently that I got excited from having the challenge and I welcomed obstacles with an open mind and with open arms. I felt (and still feel) that if I could get past this, I could do anything, literally anything I set my mind to. I got so depressed to a point where I think my brain just put me in survival mode and I stopped caring of the outcome, I just had to do it. It's been a long fucking 4 years. But I did it.
Reason I was sharing this is that back when this was still called the depression thread, almost every post was negative (to my recollection). I haven't really checked this thread since besides making a random schizopost when I was going to OD. I've only spread negativity here, and I want to change that cycle for myself (and also because I posted about this issue before so I want to just put this behind me and yell into a void because it feels nice lolol). People go through some tough shit. Trust me, I know how it feels. I always see people talking about how it "gets better" and I always just immediately thought that stuff was stupidly optimistic and I hated it. I never thought that it would be me, you know? My own depression trapped me in thinking I'd be this miserable recluse forever with no way to fix it. But here's the thing-- misery loves company. I surrounded myself with a new group of friends, reconnected with old ones, and made a bunch of new ones (online, i live hours away from my irl ones for now rip). I surrounded myself with positivity and people who weren't as miserable as me and that energy bounced off of them onto me and I think 100% set me on the path I needed to be to accomplish what I did today. The anxiety and depression just eventually wore off when I realized that I really do want to live, I have my own dreams and I want to see them come to fruition. Life hit me fast, and it hit me so fucking hard, and in 2023 it really kept hitting me, but I kept getting up. I'm sure there's plenty of people in here who have been hit harder than I have, but just know it's not the end of things.
I'm not going to tag people because that would be super cringe but to gum, sensei axew, driplegend, ms jisoo, crow crumbs, shieldpoke, scarfire, seasons, adjustments, mushamu, km, avarice, pdt, mncmt, cell and the rest of my friends in duckies, if you guys ever seen this, you guys quite literally saved my life by just being the amazing people you are and I cherish all of you. I'm sure there's more people I should mention but I talk to these people the most / they have had significant impact on me even if we don't talk that often.
Coupled with that, having to deal with being trans and navigate that while also having to perform well in school just made for a horrible concoction. I didn't realize it until recently tbh but I became passively suicidal for a very long time. In 2023 I had a lot of string of events happen 1 after another that I won't get into, but it lead me down an incredibly dark path, and around November-December (I think, I tend to block this from my memory xd) I ended up attempting to overdose, obviously it did not work lmao because I'm an idiot but yeah. I essentially did not want to live at all because the way I was, wasn't a way of living. I felt like a shell of my former self and it was so miserable and painful everyday to be reminded that I was not a normal person. Partying with friends and going out and not being able to really do anything besides sit and watch people enjoy food and etc. is the most soul crushing thing I think I've ever gone through. I'm 22 and nothing to show for it really besides a few useless degrees and certificates I've gotten from all the time I was able to allocate into school. I haven't gone to a party in almost 2 years now, haven't had the college experience I wanted (fingers crossed for my final 2 years though lol). Maybe it sounds dumb but my life was basically put on an indefinite hold when this happened. I had dreamed of going to college and finally becoming myself with no restrictions, then this came at me fast and knocked me on my ass, and I felt shackled at home and permanently visiting the ER at all angles of my life. Not to mention only having liquids makes for a very boring diet and I felt like I was in permanent limbo, doctors unable to do anything, not finding a diagnosis and etc. just a miserable fucking existence, and this has reflected in my behavior IRL and online for sure.
Once it became 2024, it was just another year to me. Didn't have any goals or anything besides to get estrogen (which I have, yay!) but there's other barriers with that via family and etc. but not the main point.
The reason I'm posting about this is because today I finally pushed past the bullshit and had a real meal lol. I cried during it, the entire time the only thing I could think of was "I'm free". I'm finally fucking free of that stupid curse. My doctors haven't found a diagnosis as to why I had some chronic esophagus issue and I'm not necessarily cured. It will be a long journey still, and maybe I'll regress at some point, but progress isn't linear. I've had a lovely Speech-Language Pathologist help me work through eating different kinds of consistencies and fuck does it feel good. But even before this, I had been undergoing a lot of growth mentally and just trying to navigate depression and how to work against it. My depression was really bad (obviously if I tried to OD LMAO), going to the store to get groceries, even just getting out of bed felt like a chore, but I just had to push myself. Even with this going on I just had to push myself to do it. It got to a point recently that I got excited from having the challenge and I welcomed obstacles with an open mind and with open arms. I felt (and still feel) that if I could get past this, I could do anything, literally anything I set my mind to. I got so depressed to a point where I think my brain just put me in survival mode and I stopped caring of the outcome, I just had to do it. It's been a long fucking 4 years. But I did it.
Reason I was sharing this is that back when this was still called the depression thread, almost every post was negative (to my recollection). I haven't really checked this thread since besides making a random schizopost when I was going to OD. I've only spread negativity here, and I want to change that cycle for myself (and also because I posted about this issue before so I want to just put this behind me and yell into a void because it feels nice lolol). People go through some tough shit. Trust me, I know how it feels. I always see people talking about how it "gets better" and I always just immediately thought that stuff was stupidly optimistic and I hated it. I never thought that it would be me, you know? My own depression trapped me in thinking I'd be this miserable recluse forever with no way to fix it. But here's the thing-- misery loves company. I surrounded myself with a new group of friends, reconnected with old ones, and made a bunch of new ones (online, i live hours away from my irl ones for now rip). I surrounded myself with positivity and people who weren't as miserable as me and that energy bounced off of them onto me and I think 100% set me on the path I needed to be to accomplish what I did today. The anxiety and depression just eventually wore off when I realized that I really do want to live, I have my own dreams and I want to see them come to fruition. Life hit me fast, and it hit me so fucking hard, and in 2023 it really kept hitting me, but I kept getting up. I'm sure there's plenty of people in here who have been hit harder than I have, but just know it's not the end of things.
I'm not going to tag people because that would be super cringe but to gum, sensei axew, driplegend, ms jisoo, crow crumbs, shieldpoke, scarfire, seasons, adjustments, mushamu, km, avarice, pdt, mncmt, cell and the rest of my friends in duckies, if you guys ever seen this, you guys quite literally saved my life by just being the amazing people you are and I cherish all of you. I'm sure there's more people I should mention but I talk to these people the most / they have had significant impact on me even if we don't talk that often.
If I can get better from the absolute rock bottom to now the peak of cloud 9, you can too. With time, effort, and most importantly fortitude, things will get better. I hope whoever reads this or finds themself venting in here reaches the peace they are looking for <3. If you ever need help, reach out. You aren't alone even if it feels like it.
Got home from work and I was just finishing watching a youtube recap of the Sunday full of football games (this was around midnight) sitting in my car at the end of my driveway and I hear a bang and feel my whole car shake - at first I'm like "Did some drunk driver just fall asleep and hit my car?" and I look back and see nothing --- thinking it's a hit & run I back out and rush to try and catch a license plate pulling out the driveway, get out and see this..... CLEARLY WASHED DUDE stumbling through the streets, wobbling to both sides and holding his stomach. Clearly either high or drunk off his ass.
He turns around and looks at me in my car like I'm the issue like you didn't just fall out on my car.
He was leaning on my hood, punched my back driver side window then came to my driver side window and I flashed my blade I carry with me for work and he stumbled back.
This has made me very annoyed since I purposely tried to calm my.. "Edge" down since I found a way through my pain, depression and anger from the prior years of life but I found myself realizing "I really don't wanna be in these situations cus I'm an emotional and tunnel vision type person (Taurus to a T lol), I wish the world would leave me out of "The random chaos variable" conversation."
Least I got his face locked down in my memory now so if I see him again or neighbors with their cams see him lumbering around my car and cops pop around I can point him out or at very least describe him.
Really damn annoying cus today was a really nice day before that.
He turns around and looks at me in my car like I'm the issue like you didn't just fall out on my car.
He was leaning on my hood, punched my back driver side window then came to my driver side window and I flashed my blade I carry with me for work and he stumbled back.
This has made me very annoyed since I purposely tried to calm my.. "Edge" down since I found a way through my pain, depression and anger from the prior years of life but I found myself realizing "I really don't wanna be in these situations cus I'm an emotional and tunnel vision type person (Taurus to a T lol), I wish the world would leave me out of "The random chaos variable" conversation."
Least I got his face locked down in my memory now so if I see him again or neighbors with their cams see him lumbering around my car and cops pop around I can point him out or at very least describe him.
Really damn annoying cus today was a really nice day before that.
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i was probably soft-depressed for a year after graduating college, being out of a consistent job + living with parents, but now that I'm working a full-time job in a new place (different country!) i've been feeling so much more social and overall better! it's so nice to go from avoiding social situations (out of apathy, mostly) to now be seeking them out again 
for me, I think its rlly important to push urself to experience new things and advance ur life. coasting along is comfortable but miserable
for me, I think its rlly important to push urself to experience new things and advance ur life. coasting along is comfortable but miserable
i dont know what it is lately, but i just feel like shit, physically and mentally. i dont want to get up or eat. i dont want to go anywhere. probably because im taking advanced classes and starting to enter my romantic stages of life, but i feel like there's giant burden on my shoulders, but i dont know what it is.
i really need to get stuff off my plate. but for now, i'll just have to push through.
i really need to get stuff off my plate. but for now, i'll just have to push through.
Random question for other people who deal with/dealt with depression and ya finally feel "Safe/comfortable" in your progress. Yall ever have moments you just get emotional JUST BECAUSE YOURE NOT unhappy anymore?
Like i ofc still have moments life is like "Get a emotional moment out; dont ask why, your brain chemicals told you too" but in more recent times (as I spoke to) have been feeling a bit better but I still have moments where it almost feels like "Damn I don't even know how to process not having a cross to bare/hurt in my heart that is stifling my day to day"
I'm obviously *NOT* complaining but it is weird being like "Why tf do I wanna cry rn? There's no reason." and immediatedly realizing "Cus life makes more sense now, you made it through - for now, now it's on you to uphold that."
Like i ofc still have moments life is like "Get a emotional moment out; dont ask why, your brain chemicals told you too" but in more recent times (as I spoke to) have been feeling a bit better but I still have moments where it almost feels like "Damn I don't even know how to process not having a cross to bare/hurt in my heart that is stifling my day to day"
I'm obviously *NOT* complaining but it is weird being like "Why tf do I wanna cry rn? There's no reason." and immediatedly realizing "Cus life makes more sense now, you made it through - for now, now it's on you to uphold that."
I got checked today by an ex (one i spent over 10 years with) that will forever be that... "The souls will always find they way back" and she hit me today with the "You always had such beautiful eyes but there's so much pain hidden in them."
and I won't lie being read like that made me choke up a bit and she asked me what's wrong and I was just like "Nothing, you're right. There's a lot more than anyone knows... even you who knows more than anyone."
I just ain't tryna talk about the shit my heart moved off on but my soul still side eyes the world over cus I work on that, i dont wanna lean that on anyone else but me so I can finally be totally good, and i'm finally almost there.. That's a "I don't share that with anyone unless you on Mom-esque trust tier." aka unrivaled/unquestioned trust.
and I won't lie being read like that made me choke up a bit and she asked me what's wrong and I was just like "Nothing, you're right. There's a lot more than anyone knows... even you who knows more than anyone."
I just ain't tryna talk about the shit my heart moved off on but my soul still side eyes the world over cus I work on that, i dont wanna lean that on anyone else but me so I can finally be totally good, and i'm finally almost there.. That's a "I don't share that with anyone unless you on Mom-esque trust tier." aka unrivaled/unquestioned trust.
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Hoes are hoes. Based on personal experience, she's lonely, and looking to smash. You got to ask yourself, "why are there no other men in her life right now?" There's probably a good reason.
Move on. You'll be better in the long run.
"But...b-but..."
No. Move on. It will do you better.
While I'll say I appreciate the "intention" here your read is off and in turn I feel kinda disrespected from both her angle (and we just civil atm, with no like "Lets do it") and my own like it's assumed i'll just accept anything. We just supporting one another spiritually as we figure it all out.
Her mom passed away and she's busy taking care of her youngest sister (guardian now) and I'm busy working and paying family bills. What becomes isn't a "Lonely" thing it's a reality.
So "But..b-but" ya got this one wrong, maybe next time don't try and make a statement outta someone you don't know.
I don't know what prompted me to log into my forums account for the first time in months, but I wanted to share that the other day my (now ex) girlfriend and I broke up, and I'm honestly feeling better from moving on than I expected myself to be.
My emotions come and go like they always do so I might feel like shit and cry tomorrow but I think I’m going in the right direction for healing. I don’t harbor any animosity or bad feelings towards her and while I acknowledge that she could’ve and should’ve done better, I still think very highly of her as a friend and individual person. I understand why most people don’t have friendly relationships with ex partners but I don’t anticipate it being the case with her. I think at the end of the day, we just weren’t compatible and I made plenty of mistakes as well. I respect her as a person but she wasn’t what I needed right now and likewise I wasn’t what she needed.
The other thing I wanted to say was that in the past few days, I’ve done some journaling and reflecting on my own personal struggles and I’ve come to realize that my ex had an avoidant attachment style and I’m an anxious attachment style and that, as cliche as it is, I need to put in work to make myself feel more secure. I have to learn to be comfortable with being by myself so I can feel like a whole person instead of feeling the need for a relationship to “complete me”. I do miss what our relationship meant to us both at one point in time but I do feel a lot more personal peace from letting go.
My emotions come and go like they always do so I might feel like shit and cry tomorrow but I think I’m going in the right direction for healing. I don’t harbor any animosity or bad feelings towards her and while I acknowledge that she could’ve and should’ve done better, I still think very highly of her as a friend and individual person. I understand why most people don’t have friendly relationships with ex partners but I don’t anticipate it being the case with her. I think at the end of the day, we just weren’t compatible and I made plenty of mistakes as well. I respect her as a person but she wasn’t what I needed right now and likewise I wasn’t what she needed.
The other thing I wanted to say was that in the past few days, I’ve done some journaling and reflecting on my own personal struggles and I’ve come to realize that my ex had an avoidant attachment style and I’m an anxious attachment style and that, as cliche as it is, I need to put in work to make myself feel more secure. I have to learn to be comfortable with being by myself so I can feel like a whole person instead of feeling the need for a relationship to “complete me”. I do miss what our relationship meant to us both at one point in time but I do feel a lot more personal peace from letting go.