Walrus WALRUS, The Return Of. [Won by Ampharos]

4th place narrowly misses the podium for only the second time this Walrus, and only to its even-more-boring cousin-uncle-grandpa.

Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried
Score: .3
Subbed by Ampharos
You know this is gonna be inbred before you ever press play. God and it has a minute of stupid non-song video intro garbage. Bruhhfhhfddfdfjfdl;dfl;dsl;ds;lsd;lds;lds;ldsl;fkjgfdkgfkdfjskkjds Unfortunately this song has a LITTLE more going on than the other country song so it barely misses the podium. What mediocrity. Blud singing about fried chicken through those jowls yeah I bet you love fried food god dang fat southerners. How about you stop driving lifted trucks everywhere and take a walk? You can hear the lack of family tree branches in the trailer park Americana of this song.
 
This gives us a podium of first-timers: Aura Guardian, CrreamyKitty, and Dead by Daylight. This probably tracks with their standings in the rest of the contest.

In third place, we have a song that manages to be even worse than the above one:

Oliver Anthony - Rich Men North of Richmond
Score: .2
Subbed by Dead by Daylight
Oh lerd 3 minutes of some ginger singing country music strummin his little guitar he probably treats better than the cousin he's courting. Then he's like sing-shouting at some points ranting about his tractor leaving him for a northerner and he doesn't know why? These lyrics are so nonsensical. How much meth do you need to be taking to enjoy something like this. Does it have 198M views as a troll, like Friday did? Like do people listen ironically or are they actually so hard of hearing they can't tell how profoundly mediocre this is?
 
And in second place, we have... I don't even know what this is.

Tougher Than Nails - Delusional Blasphemies Destroyed
Score: .1
Subbed by CrreamyKitty
Was this ever supposed to be music? Was its upload butchered by their dialup internet going out and the uploader just never bothered to fix it? Maybe they died and fell on their keyboard and their blood leaked into it and destroyed it and led to this. DID someone die during the making of this? Who finds this enjoyable? It's like someone's yelling cringecore into the worst fan of all time that should've been replaced 15 years ago and probably was made with asbestos. So whoever sang this has asbestosthroat. Good job. I hope it was worth producing this garbage, because not even the landfills want this song. This thing is so bad that when it ended I didn't even want to listen to another song that I love that autoplayed. I WANTED the silence. And I don't like silence...
 
As I've said, though, the worst thing a song can be is boring. And what could be more boring than our first place...

John Cage - 4'33"
Score: 0
Subbed by Aura Guardian
. . . .. . .. . .. . .. . is this 4 minutes and 33 seconds of nothing at all? I HATE SILENCE. I do not thrive in silence. I must have something playing, or a fan going. I need the ambient noise. The background music. My god this is the worst thing possible. Just alone with your thoughts until YouTube autoplays the next thing and starts blaring an ad for baby products when nobody in my household either is or has a child. Your algorithm is OFF, bud. This is a heinous submission.
 
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The current standings.

With only one category left, and it being a pander category, will anyone be able to close the gap? Will Amy send one of the songs I DON'T like by these artists?

Reveal tomorrow at 8pm... or later if people aren't here.
 
Our final round begins now. Category 6 - TRY and Pander.

Who submitted the song I love most of the submissions? Who took a shot and scored decently, but couldn't break the 9s?

Let's find out!

In 12th place, we have one of the folks who didn't know any bands and decided to not pander. I respect the braveness.

Jorge Rivera-Herrans - Wouldn't You Like
Score: 5.8
Subbed by Lechen
I did watch the video that accompanies this song. It's better singing than the Cat 1 submission of this artist but it will suffer the same fault of 'I don't really love how it's just sing-narrating.' It certainly seems to be fitting for its animatic, and props to the sender for just not even trying a pander submission, but this is gonna earn its bottom placement of the category lol.
 
In 11th place is the other guy who didn't want to just google "top Duran Duran songs." Dare to be different, kids!

Hollywood Principle - Solar Eclipses
Score: 7
Subbed by ImaginaryNeon
Here we have one of the two non-pander songs that the submitter likes and wanted me to have for this category. I respect the hustle. This feels like some generic late-2010s pop, when so many songs all started sounding the same. Released in 2023 wow so it's probably an AI arrangement based off that generic 2010s sound lmao. It's not offensive. It's kinda cool. It's not gonna stay in my playlist rotation, though.
 
Coming off a hot placement in Category 5, our 10th place submitter took a stab at a pander but the roulette wheel of my musical tastes did not land on this submission.

Duran Duran - I Don't Want Your Love (Shep Pettibone Mix)
Score: 7.8
Subbed by CrreamyKitty
One of the two Duran Duran songs submitted, and unfortunately it's going to be the lower-placing one. This isn't a bad song and it moves just fine but I think they have about 50 songs better than it (they have a lot of songs) so it sort of loses out in scoring here. I think the remix is a little peppier than the original version which is nice.
 
Now we reach the 8+ score songs. In 9th place, a song that is good but finds itself outclassed by the competition.

Electric Light Orchestra - Rockaria!
Score: 8.1
Subbed by Lectrys
This is one of the few ELO songs I can't think of by name and know what it sounds like, so I am intrigued to see which one it is because I've almost certainly heard it. It's one of the rockier ELO songs (hence the name, lol) and as we get into it it's coming back to me what it sounds like. It's another dynamic ELO song that has multiple sounds going on. It's hard for me to place because it lacks the oomph that my favorite ELO songs have, but I can't say it's bad. I think I'm going to slot it in the low 8s for now, and think on it.
 
There is a tie for 8th place (we'll call it 7th I guess as well since I forgot to skip a number at the start). Two users submitted the same song. With Depeche Mode's only appearance in the panderverse, it's...

Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence
Score: 8.2
Subbed by UncleSam and theangryscientist
Enjoy the Silence was submitted by two users and will receive the same score for both. So... Enjoy the Silence is a Good song, of course, but as one might imagine, it's going to thud quite firmly against the wall of 'it's SLOOOOW' and be unable to contend in this category. It's one I need to be in the mood for an emo Depeche Mode song for. I am surprised that one of the submitters chose this Depeche Mode song because if they were paying attention, they would know some others I like much better.
 
In 6th place, we have the second ELO song of the category. Another song I think is undeniably good, but outclassed by other songs by the artist.

Electric Light Orchestra - Don't Bring Me Down
Score: 8.4
Subbed by Dead by Daylight
One of ELO's most popular/known songs but, as is the case with many bands, many albums, and many songs, it's one where I think another song was a better single (or would've made a better single). It's not a bad song but it's not holding a candle to the highest-scoring ELO song submitted. In fact, it's probably to Don't Bring Me Down's detriment that it was after that song when sorted on the sheet lol. It's still gonna score well but it's not a contender for the podium. It does have a lot of variety in the sound. It's a fun listen. I don't seek it out, though, over other ELO songs.
 
We have a top five of some frequent flyers! Ampharos, Aura Guardian, Da Letter El, Gmax, and pulsar512b. But who took home the gold?

In 5th place, it's the second Duran Duran song subbed:

Duran Duran - Violence Of Summer
Score: 8.5
Subbed by Da Letter El
This is not one of my favorite Duran Duran songs (because there are so many) but I instantly know what song it is. CHINANA, CHIIIINANANA. It's a fun song. It romps. It moves. It's not slow. It's eclipsed by Duran Duran's other songs in my heart, but I can't deny it's got an extremely memorable end. I think it's gonna edge some other songs in this category that belong in the 8-range.
 
In 4th place, and losing out on the podium only to its own album-mate, it's our current point leader:

Metric - Sick Muse
Score: 8.9
Subbed by Ampharos
This is the second Metric song submitted/listened to in the sheet order, and I have an equally hard time giving it a ranking as I do the other. It's from the era when Metric songs had that grit and uniqueness to them (though I do feel like it and the other song are kinda similar lol). It's a good song, but do I like it better than its competition? I think... I think this one will score slightly less than the other. The other song is a little more melodic, and in this moment, that's gonna edge over the grungier Sick Muse.
 
In 3rd place, which conveniently just started auto-playing on YouTube lol, it's Sick Muse's album-mate.

Metric - Gimme Sympathy
Score: 9
Subbed by Gmax
Two Metric songs were submitted, both off what is probably their best album, Fantasies, though neither is my favorite song from said album. It's tough to rank the entire album outside of Gold Guns Girls being the worst song on it. Front Row is the best btw. I feel like this one is the more popular song of the two, but where does that leave it in my standings? Honestly, that's a good question, because in my head it's competing against the other Metric songs I like better. It's difficult to give this one a ranking. Is high 8s too low? Is 9 or above too high, for how I feel about it against its contemporaries? I think I will place it right at 9, which seems legitimate for how classic of a song it is.
 
And now in second (and I did deliberate these two against each other before confirming these placements), the only Ladytron submission of the round. But what an excellent song to have chosen!

Ladytron - Playgirl
Score: 9.7
Subbed by Aura Guardian
PLAYGIRL, WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING IN TOMORROW'S WORLD? HEY PLAYGIRL. I know every word to this song. I debated putting it above the first place song. This one has a lot of creative inspiration for me. Marnie is my queen. If Marnie has million number of fans i am one of them . if Marnie has ten fans i am one of them. if Marnie have only one fan and that is me . if Marnie has no fans, that means i am no more on the earth . if world against the Marnie, i am against the world. i love #Marnie till my last breath.. .. Die Hard fan of Marnie. Hit Like If you Think Marnie Best singer & Smart In the world. This is old school Ladytron when their songs still had those unique sounds. Nothing better as far as female singers go.
 
Which means in first place, we have the Cat 4 hero again - she just can't seem to submit a bad song!

Electric Light Orchestra - Calling America
Score: 9.8
Subbed by pulsar512b
This song was the leader the moment it was sent in, the only question was, would someone be able to top it? As the cookie crumbles, no. This song is on my iPod Nano. I know every word. CALLING AMERICA (DOO DUH DOO DA DOO DOO) she left her number for me!!!!!!!!!!! This song was beatable but it has some serious years over other entrants. It's never boring, it's always bopping, it keeps adding new stuff, it's layered. CALLING AMERICAAAAAAAAAA
 
In 11th place is the other guy who didn't want to just google "top Duran Duran songs." Dare to be different, kids!

Hollywood Principle - Solar Eclipses
Score: 7
Subbed by ImaginaryNeon
Here we have one of the two non-pander songs that the submitter likes and wanted me to have for this category. I respect the hustle. This feels like some generic late-2010s pop, when so many songs all started sounding the same. Released in 2023 wow so it's probably an AI arrangement based off that generic 2010s sound lmao. It's not offensive. It's kinda cool. It's not gonna stay in my playlist rotation, though.
Says the guy who didn't want to just Google the song's release date and go even remotely further than the inherently unreliable AI summary and the somehow even less reliable "Artist - Topic" channel thing or whatever.
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It is GENUINE generic 2010s sound, thank you very much.
 
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The final standings. Category 5 really hurt Gmax and harmony, who were in otherwise-good standing for most of the Walrus, and helped Aura Guardian. Dead by Daylight was consistently not in musical sync with me outside of knowing the worst country song to ever yeehaw, and takes up Amy's former mantle of 'these songs ain't it chief.'

Despite never placing below a 7, harmony winds up in fourth place due to her Cat 5 song also not placing below a 7. The most consistent submitter for sure.

UncleSam sneaks into third despite a middling first half of the Walrus, mostly off the strength of Dynasties and Dystopia and finding a terribly boring song for Cat 5.

Da Letter El, the third place finisher of the original Walrus, advances his placement by one to take second this time. He would've needed to submit two strong songs for Cat 4 to gain enough on first.

And Ampharos, Walrus 1's former bottom girl, leaves behind the dadrock to prove she does, in fact, know good music, winning two categories and being podium or off it by .1 in 3 others. Which makes Ampharos the winner of Walrus 2!

Will DBD have a similar rise to glory in Walrus 3? Come back in another 7 years or so to find out.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1D8hFGgsyFe7XCMYnNR_geBR10dQn9tXwouolsrGwknA/edit?usp=sharing
sheet not that it matters much lmao

Thank you again everyone for submitting! I have some new beats to listen to :pimp:
 
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