Your favorite dispassionate rants about bad Pokemon

As a person who has way too much experience playing in-game Pokemon (read: casual, mostly non-competitive) one of my favorite things is seeing people lose their minds over bad Pokemon, particularly in-game.

My personal favorite would be Merritt's summation on Whismur in RSE:

"Whismur - Whismur is a slow, frail, and fairly weak Pokemon who evolves moderately early into a less frail, still slow, still kind of weak Pokemon who doesn't evolve until lategame. Whismur chugs TMs like steroids in a frantic attempt to remain relevant, since the only thing it really has going for it is that, but virtually all those TMs that make it usable come in the mid-to-lategame where Loudred is gasping along, frantically struggling to contribute by constantly spamming a moderately effective Strength against everything when it knows its stats began to fall off at Flannery. After shoving a metric ton of CDs into its gaping maw, Loudred pretends that everything's ok but deep inside it knows that it's really not and that it's still frail and slow. Then it finally manages to drag itself into evolution and it's alright but the game's close to over and Whismur is really really terrible holy shit."

I love the phrase "moderately effective Strength", it's so hilariously specific.

There's also Kurona's epiphany on Kecleon, in the same thread:

"Kecleon is the worst garbage I have ever used this thing is E at best and the only reason I'm not putting it at F is because I refuse to believe anything's as bad as Luvdisc, but goddamn if I couldn't see an argument for it! I just about failed to beat the game because of this stupid thing dragging my team's levels back and doing nothing to contribute -- everything else at least done something in a major battle! Even if it was just a few pokemon or needed set-up or just blew up, they all had something to offer in the late-game even if it wasn't the greatest. This guy comes in, gets outsped, loses its STAB, takes half health and does, like, kind of okay damage back. You're lucky if it's half health. I wish there was much more to say about how bad it is, but that's really what it comes down to -- slow, frail, weak, late-game, basically no STAB. Avoid at all costs, not even worthy of being team filler."

"kind of okay" equates to agony in my eyes, but I digress.

Do you have any favorite rants on terrible Pokemon (can be from any thread or source really, not just RSE)?
 
Don Honchkrorleone's post about Yanma in the old DPPt thread was one of the first posts I replied to when I joined this forum and is still one of the funniest to me. The utter vitriol which he spews at that mon in that post is just palpable. He ends his long, compelling argument with "Also I named it (Yanma) Episode I because "Star Wars - The Phantom Menace is the most disappointing thing since my son" (PLINKETT, Harry S.), the exact reaction I had using Yanmega." Great stuff all-around.
 
An additional note on Keckleon: I spent almost an hour trying to find a Protean one in Ultra Sun and Moon, and to my displeasure, it was merely decent at best. It was solid in Akala island since it had Fire Punch and Brick Break as solid moves for Lurantis's trial and Olivia, but it just fell off after that. Its meh attack, low speed, and bad defense made it pretty bad despite having Protean since it would be 2HKOing the opponent at best while they would almost always be outspeeding it and hitting it with 2 attacks before it had a chance to do anything. Its not the worst thing in the world, but for how much effort I spent to get it, it wasn't nearly as good as I wished.

To be honest, most of these slow Pokemon have almost always been a displeasure to use since they suck so badly against generic route trainers.
 
nuff said. In fact, old Smogon Dex descriptions used to be funny and newer one are mostly just serious.
I'm not a competitive player, but I prefer serious descriptions most of the time. That said, unserious descriptions can be great if they are actually well-written and talk about all the important things for the Pokémon in question, like the Unown analysis you linked to.

This reminded me of an old analysis I saw a while ago. Smogon used to be a lot more edgy in the past, which can be seen if you go back to how it used to be. The one I want to bring up is this analysis for Glalie in Gen 3. Not only does it thrash Glalie pretty hard, it also contains a certain word which gets censored if it is posted on the forums today (this was unthinkable on Smogon in the past, but things change over time). So it is one of my favorites because of those two things.

But there's another one I really like, which is this post about Turtonator by Samtendo09. It is a great summary of why everything about Turtonator is terrible, and as it happens to be one of my least favorite Pokémon, I cannot agree more with every single word in that post.
 

Samtendo09

Ability: Light Power
is a Pre-Contributor
I'm not a competitive player, but I prefer serious descriptions most of the time. That said, unserious descriptions can be great if they are actually well-written and talk about all the important things for the Pokémon in question, like the Unown analysis you linked to.

This reminded me of an old analysis I saw a while ago. Smogon used to be a lot more edgy in the past, which can be seen if you go back to how it used to be. The one I want to bring up is this analysis for Glalie in Gen 3. Not only does it thrash Glalie pretty hard, it also contains a certain word which gets censored if it is posted on the forums today (this was unthinkable on Smogon in the past, but things change over time). So it is one of my favorites because of those two things.

But there's another one I really like, which is this post about Turtonator by Samtendo09. It is a great summary of why everything about Turtonator is terrible, and as it happens to be one of my least favorite Pokémon, I cannot agree more with every single word in that post.
I never knew Smogon used to be a lot “edgier” until now.

Turtonator isn’t unusably bad and design is simply subjective, but Torkoal, where it gains Drought in the same games that Turtonator is introduced, being in the same area at about same encounter rate or slightly higher depending on version ends up making Turtonator’s lack of actual upsides and very own flaws to be even more apparent.

As for me, anything that may express positive opinion about a Pokémon but does not deny their awful battling prowess tend to get my attention. Take Ledian, for example; this one in BW is a moment of “brevity is wit” where while the writer finds it so adorable, that writer makes it clear that physical design alone won’t mean anything in a battlefield. The same writer is more harsh in Ledian’s previous entry (DP) where they compared it to the likes of Luvdisc and Farfetch’d.
 
Someone on here (iirc) once referred to Blissey as a "fat pink whore" which tickled my heart. It's now how I tend to refer to it whenever I see it in any context.

Similarly, one of the old pages for Magcargo in GSC (it's now been rewritten) said something to the effect of "Magcargo has a terrible typing, a shallow moveset, and poor stats. Also, he's incredibly ugly." Gave me a chuckle. On the other side of the coin, Kakuna has a splendid analysis for Gen IV I always enjoy reading when I'm in a low mood.
 
Someone on here (iirc) once referred to Blissey as a "fat pink whore" which tickled my heart. It's now how I tend to refer to it whenever I see it in any context.

Similarly, one of the old pages for Magcargo in GSC (it's now been rewritten) said something to the effect of "Magcargo has a terrible typing, a shallow moveset, and poor stats. Also, he's incredibly ugly." Gave me a chuckle. On the other side of the coin, Kakuna has a splendid analysis for Gen IV I always enjoy reading when I'm in a low mood.
While it's far from "bad" and I swear it used to be on the site proper at one point, this analysis for Blissey has the great quote: "Blissey is without a doubt the direct descendant of alien monsters from low budget 1950s sci-fi horror films. The evidence: A.) Blissey is a gigantic pink blob B.) it is impervious to most assaults, and C.) it has an easily exploitable weakness waiting to be taken advantage of by our handsome and dashing really bad actor protagonist."

That's another favorite.

Pretty much the entirety of this Gen IV Battle Factory Guide by glen is funny. It's probably my favorite thing on Smogon.

One such highlight is Registeel2:

917 | Registeel | Adamant | Leftovers | Iron Head | Toxic | Double Team | Iron Defense | HP/Def/SpD

"imagine it; you're at battle 45. this thing comes out. you hit it for 30%. it double teams. you quickly realize that the situation is nowhere near as malleable as you wish it were. you then see two menacing steel behemoths begin to robotically 'eat' whatever their leftovers are. the image is so fey and so surreal that you are on the verge of tears. you attack again and you miss, it double teams a second time. three registeels are now consuming something in front of you, but you still can't make out what it is. their movements are jerky yet calculated. they feed almost ritualistically. your palms are sweaty. you quickly check this list to see what its exact moveset is, but you don't really know why. you know what its moveset is. you've always known. maybe you were trying to buy time? you attack and it misses for the second time. your pokemon is encircled by four registeels, and you swear you hear it make a mournful sound.

you press buttons. you writhe. you writhe and then you lose."


So many analyses on that page are amazing. I implore people to check it out, even the ones about GOOD Pokemon are funny, like Infernape4:

769 | Infernape | Jolly | King's Rock | Flare Blitz | Close Combat | Earthquake | ThunderPunch | Atk/Spe

"truly the boss. flare blitz/cc with this speed just tears through the competition, and when you flinch with one of them you will feel so full of vim and joie de vivre you will earnestly consider kissing your best female friend who you're secretly in love with. you're perfect for each other, that's why you've been close for so long."

It's great.
 
While it's far from "bad" and I swear it used to be on the site proper at one point, this analysis for Blissey has the great quote: "Blissey is without a doubt the direct descendant of alien monsters from low budget 1950s sci-fi horror films. The evidence: A.) Blissey is a gigantic pink blob B.) it is impervious to most assaults, and C.) it has an easily exploitable weakness waiting to be taken advantage of by our handsome and dashing really bad actor protagonist."

That's another favorite.

Pretty much the entirety of this Gen IV Battle Factory Guide by glen is funny. It's probably my favorite thing on Smogon.

One such highlight is Registeel2:

917 | Registeel | Adamant | Leftovers | Iron Head | Toxic | Double Team | Iron Defense | HP/Def/SpD

"imagine it; you're at battle 45. this thing comes out. you hit it for 30%. it double teams. you quickly realize that the situation is nowhere near as malleable as you wish it were. you then see two menacing steel behemoths begin to robotically 'eat' whatever their leftovers are. the image is so fey and so surreal that you are on the verge of tears. you attack again and you miss, it double teams a second time. three registeels are now consuming something in front of you, but you still can't make out what it is. their movements are jerky yet calculated. they feed almost ritualistically. your palms are sweaty. you quickly check this list to see what its exact moveset is, but you don't really know why. you know what its moveset is. you've always known. maybe you were trying to buy time? you attack and it misses for the second time. your pokemon is encircled by four registeels, and you swear you hear it make a mournful sound.

you press buttons. you writhe. you writhe and then you lose."


So many analyses on that page are amazing. I implore people to check it out, even the ones about GOOD Pokemon are funny, like Infernape4:

769 | Infernape | Jolly | King's Rock | Flare Blitz | Close Combat | Earthquake | ThunderPunch | Atk/Spe

"truly the boss. flare blitz/cc with this speed just tears through the competition, and when you flinch with one of them you will feel so full of vim and joie de vivre you will earnestly consider kissing your best female friend who you're secretly in love with. you're perfect for each other, that's why you've been close for so long."

It's great.
Oh, I adore Swap, Drop, and Roll! One of the best things on here, I made extensive use of it during my recent Platinum Frontier challenge.
 

TailGlowVM

Now 100% more demonic
is a Pre-Contributor
This is why I think the Aura Guardian's 'How good was Unown Actually?' spoof of the False Swipe Gaming format is really funny.

I'll not forget ORAS RU's Ambipom analysis having literally 'DON'T USE AMBIPOM' as the set title, or the BW RU Metang analysis that was made as a result of Molk's Metang spam on the ladder, or that SM Ubers concludes the overview of Deoxys-D's analysis with 'Do not use Deoxys-D' and has a gimmick set crafted to attempt to give normal Deoxys a niche: https://www.smogon.com/dex/sm/pokemon/deoxys/

I understand why they don't do these analyses anymore, but they were funny...
 
This is why I think the Aura Guardian's 'How good was Unown Actually?' spoof of the False Swipe Gaming format is really funny.

I'll not forget ORAS RU's Ambipom analysis having literally 'DON'T USE AMBIPOM' as the set title, or the BW RU Metang analysis that was made as a result of Molk's Metang spam on the ladder, or that SM Ubers concludes the overview of Deoxys-D's analysis with 'Do not use Deoxys-D' and has a gimmick set crafted to attempt to give normal Deoxys a niche: https://www.smogon.com/dex/sm/pokemon/deoxys/

I understand why they don't do these analyses anymore, but they were funny...
I'm fairly certain there was a "DON'T USE HITMONCHAN" one too. Its Gold/Silver/Crystal analysis is pretty good too:

" Hitmonchan is the worst fully-evolved Fighting-type Pokemon."

And then:

"Bleh, it's Hitmonchan... The other two attacks are because Hitmonchan doesn't learn anything better."

And finally:

"And you can use the elemental punches as a pure joke, unless you Baton Pass a bunch of Growths to it."
 

The Mind Electric

Calming if you look at it right.
May's rant about the tragicomic disaster that is RBY Hitmonchan has gotta be up there. Featuring these solid cubes of flawless diamond:
...it's frailer than a grandfather clock if you don't read the l.
Machoke has QuakeSlide coverage, better overall bulk, as well as Low Kick if you avoid recoil like I avoid my responsibilities.
 
Onix's debut episode: billed as this fearsome beast

One episode later: knocked out by James' Koffing using a Tackle.

The cost paid when going from the hero's obstacle to the hero's sidekick.
I still keep thinking how in the Celebi (first one) movie it was beyond useless in all fights, literally randomly flailing at points. Hell, in the main anime Meowth beats it with a bucket of water

It is the purest definition of a worthless narf, and the writers were 300% aware how bad it is in game
:psysly::psysly::psysly::psysly::psysly:
 
Onix's debut episode: billed as this fearsome beast

One episode later: knocked out by James' Koffing using a Tackle.

The cost paid when going from the hero's obstacle to the hero's sidekick.
The Fake Ultimate Mook page is literally all about this. It even used to be named "Level 5 Onix" before getting changed for fear of being too esoteric / confusing to those who aren't Pokemon fans.

Even the page image has an Onix-related comic strip.

Not a rant but a fun link anyway.
 
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I still keep thinking how in the Celebi (first one) movie it was beyond useless in all fights, literally randomly flailing at points. Hell, in the main anime Meowth beats it with a bucket of water

It is the purest definition of a worthless narf, and the writers were 300% aware how bad it is in game
:psysly::psysly::psysly::psysly::psysly:
Onix does ostensibly the only thing it's capable of in that battle: get hit repeatedly by physical attacks and then tap the opponent once before fainting (most of the damage seeming to come from Suicune), so did about as much as you'd expect of the species.
 

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