taken directly from my facebook. so as documented by my post in the picture album, ive been having really weird sleep / eating patterns lately. I was goin on about 45/60 hours awake, when I usually sleep more than half the day (depression and shit, I'll get to that later), and having only eaten the bare minimum to stay alive. I havent done laundry in a minute, shit costs like 9 bucks to run 1 load at my complex, so I rolled out shirtless to go get some food as I had a paradigm shift where I realized that while I thought taht I ddn't give a fuck, but i really did. not anymore, never again haha. anyway, go to carls jr drive through. get a cookie, western bacon and a large root beer, go across the street to chase cuz i want to pick up a cool 100 for weed when i get home. I go to the atm, instead of usually going to the tellers like usual (one is 10/10 pillow tits) cuz i'm shirtless and look like a reanimated skeleton. I see this elderly japanese woman, wrinkled as can be, standing no more than 2'5 with a terribly hunched back digging through the trash, with a suitcase which obviously contained every earthly belonging she possessed. I don't know what came over me, but I had the strongest vibes for lack of a better word that I've ever felt. I just felt obligated to help this woman, as I sympathized with all of her pain and suffering as soon as I saw her. I tap her on the shoulder, offering her my lunch. She accepts and is honestly ecstatic, which is all that I ask for, as my mom makes a huge deal of giving food to the homeless and multiple times she has had food literally thrown in her face), but I'm hungry as shit so I want to get going. I say god bless, my usual saying to homeless people down on their luck although as previously mentioned I'm not religious in the slightest. Shes talking to me in what I assume at the time to be japanese, as I stand almost 6' (skinny nigga but my dick tall) and she was honestly less than half my height with age + stature + hunchback combined. I just smile and acknowledge her, as I can tell that she has been treated like absolute trash her entire life, and simple human compassion is the least that I can offer her. I proceed to talk to her for about 15 minutes; I had to kneel down on the concrete, shirtless, imagine this scene lol to talk to her and be able to understand her as a result of the previous shit + her quiet voice. I tell her I understand what it's like to be hungry, as I haven't eaten for ~60 hours myself. She smiles, and tells me that she lived in japan during world war 2, and hadn't eaten for years. I felt absolutely humbled, and proceeded to talk to this woman about her life for another 15 minutes for a combined half hour, probably more time than anyone has spent talking to her in the last 30 years. As I'm about to leave, I hand her a 20, as I have more than enough money to spot 30 bucks to probably give this woman the kindness she has been deserving all her life / might have missed out on. I take out another 20, say my goodbyes and leave the parking lot, heading back across the busy ass street (calle real for any santa barbarians) to cj's to reorder, when I'm just overcome with all sorts of emotions. I've struggled with generalized anxiety disorder (an absolute nightmare, thank god its over) up until this week, when I really shifted my thinking. Anyway to avoid going off on a tangent, all of my nervous tension, headache, sinus congestion, stomach issues that I've had daily for 3 years (the reason why I stay constantly high, in addition to the fact that weed rules) were just completely wiped out. Not just for the time being, but for the rest of the day. I had almost gotten in like 3 fucking car crashes going across the street from carls > chase, not one of which was my fault, but I honestly couldn't have cared less about that or anything, I realized nothing is worth the stress that eats away at your soul. Not to mention the sky was twice as blue, grass twice as green, cool breeze was blowin and hot babes were about. In addition to all that great shit, I suddenly, out of no where became 10x more clear headed and articulate than I have been in the ~3-4 years that I've been struggling with depression; 2 hip surgeries ruining my soccer playing dream and my parents went through a shitty divorce in which my mom put me in the middle + essentially blamed the whole thing on. So even though I've consumed my usual 3.5 grams or so of cannabis today, I still have my mind working at peak efficiency, being able to just let everything out without even thinking about it and still forming a fully articulate story. For example, not a single thought has passed through my head about the experience, which is amazing as I've always been one to overthink shit, not just during the years involving some depression. This shits just flowin str8 from the heart. All I've ever wanted in life was just peace of mind, I could give a shit about climbing the corporate ladder, gaining fame / power, caring about others (to an extent, you scratch my back;I'll kill for you, as evidenced by my inside scoop ban today [shoutout aim]).
break for a great ass song / band cuz this is too deep for a pokemon forum...
"its not like to be" it sure ain't g....
I turn on my favorite station 99.9, and boom, one of my favorite songs which I linked earlier and was strangely fucking fitting for the moment and matched the exact emotions that I was feeling at the moment. Afterwards, precious time by van the man (link at end of thread), another one of my favorite songs which is criminally underrated comes on. The artists (eagles favorite band, seen em live, van the man favorite solo artist, tryna get to one of his shows before he gets too old). I cruise home with the peace of mind that has been the cause of all of my anxiety, as nothing gets me nervous. I've got great social skills etc, I just always worried about not being able to find the cause of my unhappiness, which in turn caused all sorts of horrific fucking problems: not being able to sleep, eat, soaking the bed in sweat at night occasionally, tense muscles, migranes and pain everywhere 24/7 for ~3 years straight. I had a period of time when I first started college (I'm a freshman at santa barbara city) where i was throwing up 5-10 times literally every morning while unable to eat until I got home from school at 4 pm or so, waking up at 8. Literally hell. I couldn't fucking control it, wake up with 10/10 nausea every morning and would psych myself into vomiting every single time, as no matter what I tried my shitty mindset kept it from having any effect. I tried nausea medications, some dumbass anti depressant for like a week (valium iirc) which really wasnt my thing and I didnt even want to start in the first time, and an SSRI (recommend to ppl struggling w/ depression, only thng is never miss a dose, shit gave me headaches that made me literally want to die when I missed a weekend, felt like a youtube video buffering), but nothing seemed to help because I was stuck in my mind as that the world was a trap set up to fuck me in the ass and that nothing good would ever happen to me again.
The basic psychology of humans, as I've figured out today, comes down to the victim vs controller paradigm. We create our own world, so of course if we are nothing but negative we can't expect people to go out of our way to be nice to us, and us nice guys are surprised when people are assholes to us (eat shit rey) because we've grown accustom to good things happening to us. So to simplify, victim = pessimist and controller = optimist. If you approach the world with a pessimistic attitude, as I have for the last 3 years, you focus and obsess over every single fucking little negative thing that happens, no matter how insignificant. I for example would always look for people to bitch to about shitty drivers / traffic / dumb shit at school which happens to literally everyone, but shit was nothing more but a waste of time and an influx of stress. I've only been in santa barbara for 8 months, but I swear I'm living in a new place as none of that shit (which still exists dont get it twisted) could bother me, even if I got killed in a car accident; at least I've had a good life so far haha. Now on the other hand, if you approach the world like me, you meet people that share the similar mindset. Another example being that I didn't go out much the first few months after I left the house for college, met prob 3 girls 5 guys my first 6 months. Just in the last week alone since I've had my major paradigm shift which was totally completed by meeting this great woman today, I've met like 7 or 8 fine ass girls and like 3 dudes who I'll actually become close friends with, as I have trouble connecting with people of my age as I think they're overcome with the same issue as most smogon users, ego and need for attention. My two best friends at the moment are Isreal, the 40 year old mexican man who is married, works maintenance at my buildin (i met him by dabbing him out one day when he was just a rando). Is is in a band, has 5 kids, parties every weekend, occasionally does crystal meth just for fun with his friends even tho he knows its bad, smokes with me daily and is legit smart as shit even tho he speaks poor english. I'll keep chillin with him even after I move out of my place in 3 months. My other best friend is Eric, the owner of a delivery service in sb who I really bonded with because I helped him out of some shitty situations like letting him shower in my shower (hes like 50) when he was dripping sweat and unsure if he was having a heart attack (hospital was sure he was), so I get whole sale prices on the best weed in santa barbara, which was huge as I used to get stressed over spending too much on bud cuz its overpriced as shti down south, but not anymore. I played a smogon tour while smokin with these guys, lol.
So you could honestly look at it 2 ways - I'm sitting around playing pokemon all day, hanging out with old losers cause I can't make friends my age cuz I have poor social skills / am not good looking, dropped out of high school etc. or you could look at it like I'm not taking bullshit from anyone, don't care what anyone fucking thinks because it legit couldn't matter any less unless u can like read minds i guess, doin what I love doing (not just mons, but going to the beach, smoking weed, meeting girls), hanging out with two of the coolest people ive ever fucking met who I only got to meet because I didn't immediately judge them and honestly being the happiest I've ever been.
I've honestly poured my heart and soul into this post, and could write 10x more and love nothing more than talking about it and hopefully helping others solve this issue, as I HATE seeing people unhappy, especially friends Funkasaurus =/. Hopefully this helps u mate.
So to avoid this being a long winded rant like I usually go on in skype calls, I'll tie this all together by asking the title question. do you honestly believe in god? I never did before today, with atrocities like the gaza conflict / hunger / lack of clean drinking water / police brutality (i could go on for longer than this post...) god was either an asshole or completely disengaged from the world he created. I personally believe in the egg theory. http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html Its really really far-fetched, so I won't mention anything more regarding it (form your own opinion, always!) I would say that I believe that I really have life figured out and that I can / want to help others with their problems. I was in the exact position that most of you were in just about three months ago, near suicidal (although I would never legit consider suicide, shit is for pussys), and now I'm the happiest I've EVER been, and life was fuckin sweet before all the bullshit ~15 years old.
Ask me any questions y'all got, friends. You all can judge how clear headed / articulate I became in one day after meeting this woman who honestly restored a cynic's faith by the clarity of this post - I didn't even read it once, just typed it all out without even reading it over. Peace to the middle east! No seriously, why are we turning a blind eye and why is the world stuck in the cycle of the powerful abusing the powerless with the sheep being too ignorant to notice...
time to settle down with a fresh bowl, enjoy some seba jun and read my own post. I love to rant about this shit as much as possible! I'm just so happy and energetic now when I was so unhappy, tired and miserable just a few months ago. time 2 chill with my boy blue dragon.
