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Other RPSI ~Shining Battle Royale of the Moon~ Edition ROUND 2
- Thread starter RODAN
- Start date
It had been a rough month for King Arthur and his round table - getting arrested will do that to you. While Arthur was successfully able to post bail after pawning Excalibur, his 12 knights weren’t quite as fortunate. In desperate need of having grown men stroke his ego, Arthur only had one choice left….
"Well," Arthur thought to himself, "this seems like an obvious choice."
Yes, my friends. Times were tough in Camelot. Budget cuts of this proportion hadn't been seen around here since the square table became round. There was nothing Arthur could do but wait.
And one by one, the responses came in.
And so Arthur and Joseph met, in Camelot Castle. Joseph thought that the reviews looked okay on tripadvisor, so at least if the sex was bad, he could get something out of the experience. And it was on that night that Joseph the Bitter become Joseph the Caring.
As the day broke, our two merry (married?) men sauntered out of their room and awaited the possibilities that a new day could bring them, together. While progress had been made with respect to refilling his round opening, there was still the matter of finances to which there seemed no answer. Arthur did what he was best at, and went to his knees, reciting what he just had the previous night.
ARTHUR: "Oh God.."
GOD: "Arthur, for fuck's sake! Not this again, another booty call?"
ARTHUR: "WAIT, don't leave! I come to you in dire need. While I possess the eloquence of an arts major, I share their employability. Please, God, I need money!"
GOD: "Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Brothel".
GOD: "Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Brothel."
With a set goal in mind, Arthur realized that while his companion Joseph was more than enough for him, in order to complete this task, they would need more help. Arthur went back to his craigslist listing, and found another response waiting for him.
While Arthur was intrigued by the possibility of young blood, he needed to know if this new recruit was ready to tangle.
ARTHUR: "It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the heterosexual norms, sovereign of all England!"
TJ: "What the fuck?"
ARTHUR: "And this my trusty servant Joseph. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."
TJ: "Well my mom and dad aren't home right now, can I take a message?"
ARTHUR: "Time is of the essence! We cannot wait, you must come with me! Leave note with your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, a quest for the Holy Brothel!"
With TJ the Probably Didn't Consent to his Addition in this Story along, our trio pondered as to just what God had meant by the Holy Brothel. Arthur again turned to his knowledge of the internet in desperation, knowing not how to advance in his journey.
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=the+holy+brothel&l=1
While conceptually (and algorithmically!), this may have been the best answer, it was clear to Arthur that this was not the Brothel seen in the photo. While technology had brought him Joseph, it was clear this time that it had failed. If our group was to succeed, they would need to do so without the power of Google.
The scene transitions. Our group is seen passing over a mysterious bridge in the middle of Texas, until they are suddenly stopped by a hooded man, fiddling with a puzzle box. He approaches our group, pulls back his hood, and reveals his slender asian physique. A voice echoes throughout the night: "NONE SHALL PASS." The man disappears in an instant, only to come back with what could only be described as the next Jurassic Park sequel. As the man moved back in an attempt to avoid the upcoming conflict, he failed to notice a T-Rex head, flying towards him at near light speed. No amount of time could save him. Only a poorly Photoshoped image remains of the brutal murder.
Arthur and his knights were astonished by the ferocity of the creature. Arthur approached it and demanded it allow him to pass the bridge, yet was only met by what would guess a T-Rex sounds like.
At this point, it is up to the reader to visualize the strange, 3rd grader's imaginary friend gone wrong. Have you pictured it? That's good! I was having trouble with that. Now let's go back to the Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference. Remember the Black Knight scene? Are you sure? Here, let me help you.
Now imagine that instead of the Black Knight, you have the dinosaur fucker. How perfect is that? IT CAN DETACH ITSELF WHENEVER KING ARTHUR HITS IT.
Unfortunately, King Arthur just sliced it in the head. It's hard to detach yourself at will when you're braindead. End scene.
After this encounter, tale of King Arthur's bravery and skill travelled across Twitter. Responses on craigslist filled Arthur's email. Soon, twelve were following him.
There was William, the mysterious. Onzin, the Nonsensical. And a few others that no one really cared all too much about. Ah, Sir Bedivere was one of the names...
Together, these twelve men were successfully able to determine the identity of the man shown in the Brothel. They followed all traces of his location until they arrived in Pasedena. Little did they know they weren't the only group arriving in this Californian town. You see, the Red Hot Chili Peppers had also arrived.
Anthony Kiedis descended off the plane, shirtless and singing with terrible pitch as always, before demanding some stereotypical Californian treatment. Flea followed behind him, with only a bass hanging around him. John Frusciante was dreaming Californication, and there's probably a drummer in a band.
They were set to play a concert at the Rose Bowl, somehow getting David Bowie to open for them. Some British guy was trying to shoot Bowie, likely an act of spite against the his fellow countryman, yet he failed handily. As the potato escaped from his gun, it hit the air conditioning unit in the Spartans jersey on stage to cool Bowie.
King Arthur and his men eventually ventured into the Rose Bowl, where they had heard rumour that the one they were looking for was. As they passed by the entrance, they noted an Aura Sphere, headed towards two ghosts, unfazed by the attack. It missed, but seemed to point inwards towards a young man. It was him. The man of legend.
And so Arthur and the man of mystery met face to face. No words needed to be spoken. The one known as the Great Deceiver quickly turned to his left, and tapped an imposing figure.
Satan turned around, and handed Arthur a contract. The location of the Brothel was to be revealed, of course, but on one condition. Arthur was to win in a game of Smash unlike any he had seen before.
Yet with one swift Falcon Punch, it was all over.
And so, our marry gang finally reached their goal. The Holy Brothel had finally been reached!
Deep, deep in the universe, watching over all of this, was Uy Scuti. And eventually, as time moved forward, and Arthur became long forgotten in history, and even Uy Scuti ceased to exist, the lone helium atom of alpha decay lived on.
THE POWER RANKINGS
1. That feel when no gf leads to an alternative source of love, and eventually the Holy Brothel.
2. A single atom of helium lives in indefinitely
3. A fan that you dont know if they are a fan of something or an actual fan that blows air sliced a potato
4. some dinosaur fucker nearly killed king arthur
5. Satan didn't die
6. but UY Scuti did (eventually)
7. two ghosts sitting on a park bench, gazing forward, are immune to aura sphere.
8. the entire cast of super smash bros. almost beat king arthur.
9. a time traveling chinese man travelled time to get the ultimate weapon, and lost
10. James Bond failed horribly
11. and Aura Sphere somehow missed as a guarenteed hit move.
12. But at least it was a tangible attack.
Requesting bottom 3 be knocked out instead of bottom 2.
"Well," Arthur thought to himself, "this seems like an obvious choice."
Yes, my friends. Times were tough in Camelot. Budget cuts of this proportion hadn't been seen around here since the square table became round. There was nothing Arthur could do but wait.
And one by one, the responses came in.
Another typical night for Joseph, browsing the men seeking men casual encounters on craigslist. Things had been desperate since the divorce, and keeping his old profile picture on Facebook while tagging her as "heartless bitch" probably hadn't helped his odds.
And so Arthur and Joseph met, in Camelot Castle. Joseph thought that the reviews looked okay on tripadvisor, so at least if the sex was bad, he could get something out of the experience. And it was on that night that Joseph the Bitter become Joseph the Caring.
As the day broke, our two merry (married?) men sauntered out of their room and awaited the possibilities that a new day could bring them, together. While progress had been made with respect to refilling his round opening, there was still the matter of finances to which there seemed no answer. Arthur did what he was best at, and went to his knees, reciting what he just had the previous night.
ARTHUR: "Oh God.."
GOD: "Arthur, for fuck's sake! Not this again, another booty call?"
ARTHUR: "WAIT, don't leave! I come to you in dire need. While I possess the eloquence of an arts major, I share their employability. Please, God, I need money!"
GOD: "Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Brothel".
GOD: "Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Brothel."
With a set goal in mind, Arthur realized that while his companion Joseph was more than enough for him, in order to complete this task, they would need more help. Arthur went back to his craigslist listing, and found another response waiting for him.
Arthur and Joseph left in a heartbeat, eager to expand their numbers. Little did they know what was waiting for them on the other side....
While Arthur was intrigued by the possibility of young blood, he needed to know if this new recruit was ready to tangle.
ARTHUR: "It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the heterosexual norms, sovereign of all England!"
TJ: "What the fuck?"
ARTHUR: "And this my trusty servant Joseph. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."
TJ: "Well my mom and dad aren't home right now, can I take a message?"
ARTHUR: "Time is of the essence! We cannot wait, you must come with me! Leave note with your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, a quest for the Holy Brothel!"
With TJ the Probably Didn't Consent to his Addition in this Story along, our trio pondered as to just what God had meant by the Holy Brothel. Arthur again turned to his knowledge of the internet in desperation, knowing not how to advance in his journey.
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=the+holy+brothel&l=1
While conceptually (and algorithmically!), this may have been the best answer, it was clear to Arthur that this was not the Brothel seen in the photo. While technology had brought him Joseph, it was clear this time that it had failed. If our group was to succeed, they would need to do so without the power of Google.
The scene transitions. Our group is seen passing over a mysterious bridge in the middle of Texas, until they are suddenly stopped by a hooded man, fiddling with a puzzle box. He approaches our group, pulls back his hood, and reveals his slender asian physique. A voice echoes throughout the night: "NONE SHALL PASS." The man disappears in an instant, only to come back with what could only be described as the next Jurassic Park sequel. As the man moved back in an attempt to avoid the upcoming conflict, he failed to notice a T-Rex head, flying towards him at near light speed. No amount of time could save him. Only a poorly Photoshoped image remains of the brutal murder.
Arthur and his knights were astonished by the ferocity of the creature. Arthur approached it and demanded it allow him to pass the bridge, yet was only met by what would guess a T-Rex sounds like.
At this point, it is up to the reader to visualize the strange, 3rd grader's imaginary friend gone wrong. Have you pictured it? That's good! I was having trouble with that. Now let's go back to the Monty Python and the Holy Grail reference. Remember the Black Knight scene? Are you sure? Here, let me help you.
Now imagine that instead of the Black Knight, you have the dinosaur fucker. How perfect is that? IT CAN DETACH ITSELF WHENEVER KING ARTHUR HITS IT.
Unfortunately, King Arthur just sliced it in the head. It's hard to detach yourself at will when you're braindead. End scene.
After this encounter, tale of King Arthur's bravery and skill travelled across Twitter. Responses on craigslist filled Arthur's email. Soon, twelve were following him.
There was William, the mysterious. Onzin, the Nonsensical. And a few others that no one really cared all too much about. Ah, Sir Bedivere was one of the names...
Together, these twelve men were successfully able to determine the identity of the man shown in the Brothel. They followed all traces of his location until they arrived in Pasedena. Little did they know they weren't the only group arriving in this Californian town. You see, the Red Hot Chili Peppers had also arrived.
Anthony Kiedis descended off the plane, shirtless and singing with terrible pitch as always, before demanding some stereotypical Californian treatment. Flea followed behind him, with only a bass hanging around him. John Frusciante was dreaming Californication, and there's probably a drummer in a band.
They were set to play a concert at the Rose Bowl, somehow getting David Bowie to open for them. Some British guy was trying to shoot Bowie, likely an act of spite against the his fellow countryman, yet he failed handily. As the potato escaped from his gun, it hit the air conditioning unit in the Spartans jersey on stage to cool Bowie.
King Arthur and his men eventually ventured into the Rose Bowl, where they had heard rumour that the one they were looking for was. As they passed by the entrance, they noted an Aura Sphere, headed towards two ghosts, unfazed by the attack. It missed, but seemed to point inwards towards a young man. It was him. The man of legend.
And so Arthur and the man of mystery met face to face. No words needed to be spoken. The one known as the Great Deceiver quickly turned to his left, and tapped an imposing figure.
Satan turned around, and handed Arthur a contract. The location of the Brothel was to be revealed, of course, but on one condition. Arthur was to win in a game of Smash unlike any he had seen before.
Yet with one swift Falcon Punch, it was all over.
And so, our marry gang finally reached their goal. The Holy Brothel had finally been reached!
Deep, deep in the universe, watching over all of this, was Uy Scuti. And eventually, as time moved forward, and Arthur became long forgotten in history, and even Uy Scuti ceased to exist, the lone helium atom of alpha decay lived on.
THE POWER RANKINGS
1. That feel when no gf leads to an alternative source of love, and eventually the Holy Brothel.
2. A single atom of helium lives in indefinitely
3. A fan that you dont know if they are a fan of something or an actual fan that blows air sliced a potato
4. some dinosaur fucker nearly killed king arthur
5. Satan didn't die
6. but UY Scuti did (eventually)
7. two ghosts sitting on a park bench, gazing forward, are immune to aura sphere.
8. the entire cast of super smash bros. almost beat king arthur.
9. a time traveling chinese man travelled time to get the ultimate weapon, and lost
10. James Bond failed horribly
11. and Aura Sphere somehow missed as a guarenteed hit move.
12. But at least it was a tangible attack.
Requesting bottom 3 be knocked out instead of bottom 2.
i don't have pictures cause i'm lame but HERE WE GO
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Thank you so much for coming out tonight! We are the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and this is a little ditty called 'Sex, Drugs, and the State of California'!"
As the slap bass of legendary RHCP bassist Flea rang out into the warm summer night, mingling with the screaming of fangirls and forty year old stoners, a well-dressed British gentleman groaned into the palms of his hands near the back of the crowded ampitheater. Sighing, he mutters into the expensive-looking but otherwise inconspicuous watch adorning his left wrist.
"Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that this is an actual mission? This racket's been going on for nearly an hour and I've yet to catch so much as a glimpse of the target. Frankly, I've half a mind to just walk off."
"Relax, Mister Bond," came the reply from the nearly-invisble earpiece the man wore. "Our intel is absolute. The man with the mismatched eyes will be here."
With a noncommital grunt, the man known as Bond took another swig from his martini - shaken, not stirred. Of course, thanks to America's draconian alcohol laws, the shaking was mostly a result of the trouble he'd had smuggling it in, but it was certainly better than listening to this rubbish while sober.
As the song coming from the stage lurched into the bridge, however, the lights suddenly sparked and went out. The sound faded and then died completely as the members of the band realized that their amps weren't working. A confused hush fell over the crowd as the only electricity still flowing through the stadium caused the screen behind the band to burst alight, giving all parties a high resolution look at the smiling face of Takeshi Kitano.
...wait, what?
"Hello, America! Beat Takeshi here, the director of everyone's favorite Hunger Games movie other than Hunger Games, Battle Royale!
"I'm sure you're wondering what I'm doing here talking to you today, which is good, because I'm about to explain. Beneath this stadium is a massive bomb. When all but three of you have left the stadium, I shall detonate the bomb. Those of you who remain will most certainly die painfully.
"Have fun!"
The screen went dark. For about seven seconds, a deafening silence fell over the crowd.
Then the panic started.
The first out of the stadium was, technically, a single atom of helium that had been hovering near the stage. The sudden vibrations caused by millions of fans screaming in terror blasted the helium particle out of the atmosphere into deep space, where it merged with distant star UY Scuti (which, of course, had never been in the stadium to begin with).
After that, however, things got a bit confusing, as throngs of people muscled past each other towards the exit. James Bond, however, stayed still. If the target were going to appear, now would be the time.
And then he did. Out of the backstage area stepped RHCP's secret guest performer - David Bowie. Disappointed at the fact that he had been unable to perform his bit, Bowie begrudgingly headed towards the exit, assuming people would let him through because he's David fucking Bowie.
As Bowie stepped off the stage, however, he heard a faint click and felt cold steel pressed to the back of his neck. He stopped dead in his tracks.
"Hello, Davie," said Bond.
Meanwhile, half the stadium had cleared out - most of them single. Though they were burdened by that feel when no gf, the fact that they had come to the concert alone meant that they could head for the exits with reckless abandon, and so of course they made it out safely.
In the bleacher seating of the stadium, a brilliant flash of light suddenly blinded many of the concertgoers. As it faded, an elderly man of Asian descent became visible. In his hand he held a strange, almost mystical-looking box. Shaking his head to clear his disorientation, the man looked around, a somewhat disappointed expression on his face, until he eyed one of the bleachers and grinned.
On that particular bleacher, there happened to be a pair of ghosts. Most people couldn't see them, obviously, and to be honest they weren't missing much - the ghosts just kinda sat there, facing forwards. But the Asian man could see them, and he was clearly interested - just not in them. Sprinting over, he dropped to the ground and crawled underneath their bleacher. And there it was. Engraved on the bottom was a set of symbols:
^^VV<><>BA
With a grunt, the man turned to the box and began to work. Sweat dripped from his brow as he worked the box this way and that, chaos still erupting in the stadium around him. With a final sigh, he pressed down on the center of the box and crossed his fingers.
After about a second, the box began to hiss, and then fade into nothingness, revealing the prize within. Shouting in triumph, the man hefted the slightly-used Nintendo Wii above his head. Now he could finally play Smash Bros. against his old friend Satoru Iwata, and practice his Lucario as well - his aim with aura sphere definitely needed work. As he faded back into nothingness, he uttered one last phrase: "Fuck UPS packaging, man."
With this, everyone (including the ghosts, who had inexplicably faded out of existence accompanied by the faint sound of Jethro Tull) was out of the stadium, greatly aided by the president of the RHCP fan club, who had been able to blast everyone through the exits with high-velocity winds. Only three beings remained in the stadium: James Bond, David Bowie, and some ungodly dinosaur hybrid which had been too big to fit through the exit and so was languishing somewhere in the nosebleed section.
Near the stage, Bowie had managed to even the score with Bond. Though Bond initially wielded the element of surprise, that quickly faded when Bowie drew a weapon of his own.
"Well, Jamey? How's your little pea shooter gonna stand up to THIS?"
"Actually, it shoots p-"
"THIS weapon was created after years of research by Japan's top scientists. They call it Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer. Why? I haven't the faintest idea. But I do know it's about to blast you to kingdom come."
At that moment, three things happened. David Bowie fired his weapon. James Bond fired as well. And the fourth-to-last person exited the stadium.
With a sudden BANG, Takeshi Kitano appeared between Bond and Bowie. The ambiguous blast from Bowie's weapon and the potato from Bond's seemed to curve around him, missing completely.
"Congratulations, you three!" he proclaimed, apparently addressing the pitiful excuse for a reptile as well. "As you can clearly see, there was no bomb. The lie was unfortunate, but I needed to weed out the crowd. And I must admit, it wasn't the only falsehood."
With that last statement, Takeshi Kitano's appearance suddenly changed. Judging by the red skin, curved horns, and goat's tail, the belligerent Brits deduced that he was probably not anyone friendly.
"So yea," continued Satan, "now that introductions are out of the way, allow me to introduce you to the true nature of this game.
"I have here, grasped within my tail (because SOMEONE already used the "third hand=dick" joke), three straws. Whoever draws the shortest straw shall win a fabulous prize: the price of life. The other two, not so lucky. So who wants to go first."
Unfortunately for David Bowie, he chose this moment to panic. Filled with terror at the sight of actual Satan standing in front of him, he drew Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer and opened fire.
"Oh dear, this won't do at all," muttered Satan, completely unphased. With a flick of his wrist, he caused CW:BA to backfire, blasting itself to pieces and killing Bowie instantly.
"Well that's no fun. Now I guess I'll have to draw a straw in his place. So again, I'll ask: who wants to go first?"
Before Bond, who was still attempting to process what was going on, could make any sort of move, the dino-thing sprinted down the stadium steps and lunged at Satan. The demon simply sidestepped, leaving the straws in the path of the dino's claw. Rather than grabbing a chunk of Satan's face, it instead grabbed what appeared to be the longest of straws.
"Ooh, bad luck. See you in Hell, then." And the dino burst into flames.
"Well, Mr. Bond. I suppose it's just you and me. But before I kill you, I must show you... this!"
Nothing happened. Bond looked around expectantly for about 10 seconds. At last, he asked, "...what exactly am I looking at?"
"Nothing. I just always wanted to say that. Are you going to grab a goddamned straw or what?"
Reluctantly, Bond reached out for a straw. Suddenly, he paused. He could see the bottom of one of the straws sticking out from under Satans tail. Grinning, he realized that the demon had made a grievous error and instantly snatched the shorter of the two straws.
Bond then looked down at the straw he had grabbed. To his confusion, then shock, then horror, the straw was massive - almost the length of his forearm.
"Wha?" he managed to choke out.
"Yea, uh, I'm Satan. I can do that. It's kinda my thing"
"Bloody hell."
"Exactly."
And then they were gone.
-------------------------------------------
POWER RANKINGS:
A single atom of helium (1) merged with UY Scuti (2) somewhere in deep space.
That feel when no gf (3) saved hundreds of lives.
A time traveling Chinese man wielding a mythical puzzle box (4) escaped after discovering the box contained the entire cast of Super Smash Bros. possessed by the vengeful spirit of Satoru Iwata (5) and "Uh.... /me uses aura sphere multiple times in hopes that someone is.... hit by it i guess?" (6)
Two ghosts sitting on a park bench, gazing forward, never moving (7) made an escape as enigmatic as their existence.
A fan that you dont know if they are a fan of something or an actual fan that blows air (8) aided in the final stages of the rescue operation.
Satan, wryly smiling, with a tattered contract in his left hand, two pens in his right, and three straws in his third (9) bullshitted his way out of a defeat, shafting James Bond with a cigar shooting David Bowie with a potato gun during a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert (10). But at least these two provided the entire premise for the story.
a giant, mismatched animated skeleton of various dinosaurs that can detach parts at will to do ranged combat
T-rex head, pachycephalosaurus torso, velociraptor feet, pteranodon wings, and parasoralaphus srms (11) did about as well as you would expect at trying to escape.
Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer (12) was unfortunately not Conceptual Answer: Best Weapon.
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Thank you so much for coming out tonight! We are the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and this is a little ditty called 'Sex, Drugs, and the State of California'!"
As the slap bass of legendary RHCP bassist Flea rang out into the warm summer night, mingling with the screaming of fangirls and forty year old stoners, a well-dressed British gentleman groaned into the palms of his hands near the back of the crowded ampitheater. Sighing, he mutters into the expensive-looking but otherwise inconspicuous watch adorning his left wrist.
"Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that this is an actual mission? This racket's been going on for nearly an hour and I've yet to catch so much as a glimpse of the target. Frankly, I've half a mind to just walk off."
"Relax, Mister Bond," came the reply from the nearly-invisble earpiece the man wore. "Our intel is absolute. The man with the mismatched eyes will be here."
With a noncommital grunt, the man known as Bond took another swig from his martini - shaken, not stirred. Of course, thanks to America's draconian alcohol laws, the shaking was mostly a result of the trouble he'd had smuggling it in, but it was certainly better than listening to this rubbish while sober.
As the song coming from the stage lurched into the bridge, however, the lights suddenly sparked and went out. The sound faded and then died completely as the members of the band realized that their amps weren't working. A confused hush fell over the crowd as the only electricity still flowing through the stadium caused the screen behind the band to burst alight, giving all parties a high resolution look at the smiling face of Takeshi Kitano.
...wait, what?
"Hello, America! Beat Takeshi here, the director of everyone's favorite Hunger Games movie other than Hunger Games, Battle Royale!
"I'm sure you're wondering what I'm doing here talking to you today, which is good, because I'm about to explain. Beneath this stadium is a massive bomb. When all but three of you have left the stadium, I shall detonate the bomb. Those of you who remain will most certainly die painfully.
"Have fun!"
The screen went dark. For about seven seconds, a deafening silence fell over the crowd.
Then the panic started.
The first out of the stadium was, technically, a single atom of helium that had been hovering near the stage. The sudden vibrations caused by millions of fans screaming in terror blasted the helium particle out of the atmosphere into deep space, where it merged with distant star UY Scuti (which, of course, had never been in the stadium to begin with).
After that, however, things got a bit confusing, as throngs of people muscled past each other towards the exit. James Bond, however, stayed still. If the target were going to appear, now would be the time.
And then he did. Out of the backstage area stepped RHCP's secret guest performer - David Bowie. Disappointed at the fact that he had been unable to perform his bit, Bowie begrudgingly headed towards the exit, assuming people would let him through because he's David fucking Bowie.
As Bowie stepped off the stage, however, he heard a faint click and felt cold steel pressed to the back of his neck. He stopped dead in his tracks.
"Hello, Davie," said Bond.
Meanwhile, half the stadium had cleared out - most of them single. Though they were burdened by that feel when no gf, the fact that they had come to the concert alone meant that they could head for the exits with reckless abandon, and so of course they made it out safely.
In the bleacher seating of the stadium, a brilliant flash of light suddenly blinded many of the concertgoers. As it faded, an elderly man of Asian descent became visible. In his hand he held a strange, almost mystical-looking box. Shaking his head to clear his disorientation, the man looked around, a somewhat disappointed expression on his face, until he eyed one of the bleachers and grinned.
On that particular bleacher, there happened to be a pair of ghosts. Most people couldn't see them, obviously, and to be honest they weren't missing much - the ghosts just kinda sat there, facing forwards. But the Asian man could see them, and he was clearly interested - just not in them. Sprinting over, he dropped to the ground and crawled underneath their bleacher. And there it was. Engraved on the bottom was a set of symbols:
^^VV<><>BA
With a grunt, the man turned to the box and began to work. Sweat dripped from his brow as he worked the box this way and that, chaos still erupting in the stadium around him. With a final sigh, he pressed down on the center of the box and crossed his fingers.
After about a second, the box began to hiss, and then fade into nothingness, revealing the prize within. Shouting in triumph, the man hefted the slightly-used Nintendo Wii above his head. Now he could finally play Smash Bros. against his old friend Satoru Iwata, and practice his Lucario as well - his aim with aura sphere definitely needed work. As he faded back into nothingness, he uttered one last phrase: "Fuck UPS packaging, man."
With this, everyone (including the ghosts, who had inexplicably faded out of existence accompanied by the faint sound of Jethro Tull) was out of the stadium, greatly aided by the president of the RHCP fan club, who had been able to blast everyone through the exits with high-velocity winds. Only three beings remained in the stadium: James Bond, David Bowie, and some ungodly dinosaur hybrid which had been too big to fit through the exit and so was languishing somewhere in the nosebleed section.
Near the stage, Bowie had managed to even the score with Bond. Though Bond initially wielded the element of surprise, that quickly faded when Bowie drew a weapon of his own.
"Well, Jamey? How's your little pea shooter gonna stand up to THIS?"
"Actually, it shoots p-"
"THIS weapon was created after years of research by Japan's top scientists. They call it Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer. Why? I haven't the faintest idea. But I do know it's about to blast you to kingdom come."
At that moment, three things happened. David Bowie fired his weapon. James Bond fired as well. And the fourth-to-last person exited the stadium.
With a sudden BANG, Takeshi Kitano appeared between Bond and Bowie. The ambiguous blast from Bowie's weapon and the potato from Bond's seemed to curve around him, missing completely.
"Congratulations, you three!" he proclaimed, apparently addressing the pitiful excuse for a reptile as well. "As you can clearly see, there was no bomb. The lie was unfortunate, but I needed to weed out the crowd. And I must admit, it wasn't the only falsehood."
With that last statement, Takeshi Kitano's appearance suddenly changed. Judging by the red skin, curved horns, and goat's tail, the belligerent Brits deduced that he was probably not anyone friendly.
"So yea," continued Satan, "now that introductions are out of the way, allow me to introduce you to the true nature of this game.
"I have here, grasped within my tail (because SOMEONE already used the "third hand=dick" joke), three straws. Whoever draws the shortest straw shall win a fabulous prize: the price of life. The other two, not so lucky. So who wants to go first."
Unfortunately for David Bowie, he chose this moment to panic. Filled with terror at the sight of actual Satan standing in front of him, he drew Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer and opened fire.
"Oh dear, this won't do at all," muttered Satan, completely unphased. With a flick of his wrist, he caused CW:BA to backfire, blasting itself to pieces and killing Bowie instantly.
"Well that's no fun. Now I guess I'll have to draw a straw in his place. So again, I'll ask: who wants to go first?"
Before Bond, who was still attempting to process what was going on, could make any sort of move, the dino-thing sprinted down the stadium steps and lunged at Satan. The demon simply sidestepped, leaving the straws in the path of the dino's claw. Rather than grabbing a chunk of Satan's face, it instead grabbed what appeared to be the longest of straws.
"Ooh, bad luck. See you in Hell, then." And the dino burst into flames.
"Well, Mr. Bond. I suppose it's just you and me. But before I kill you, I must show you... this!"
Nothing happened. Bond looked around expectantly for about 10 seconds. At last, he asked, "...what exactly am I looking at?"
"Nothing. I just always wanted to say that. Are you going to grab a goddamned straw or what?"
Reluctantly, Bond reached out for a straw. Suddenly, he paused. He could see the bottom of one of the straws sticking out from under Satans tail. Grinning, he realized that the demon had made a grievous error and instantly snatched the shorter of the two straws.
Bond then looked down at the straw he had grabbed. To his confusion, then shock, then horror, the straw was massive - almost the length of his forearm.
"Wha?" he managed to choke out.
"Yea, uh, I'm Satan. I can do that. It's kinda my thing"
"Bloody hell."
"Exactly."
And then they were gone.
-------------------------------------------
POWER RANKINGS:
A single atom of helium (1) merged with UY Scuti (2) somewhere in deep space.
That feel when no gf (3) saved hundreds of lives.
A time traveling Chinese man wielding a mythical puzzle box (4) escaped after discovering the box contained the entire cast of Super Smash Bros. possessed by the vengeful spirit of Satoru Iwata (5) and "Uh.... /me uses aura sphere multiple times in hopes that someone is.... hit by it i guess?" (6)
Two ghosts sitting on a park bench, gazing forward, never moving (7) made an escape as enigmatic as their existence.
A fan that you dont know if they are a fan of something or an actual fan that blows air (8) aided in the final stages of the rescue operation.
Satan, wryly smiling, with a tattered contract in his left hand, two pens in his right, and three straws in his third (9) bullshitted his way out of a defeat, shafting James Bond with a cigar shooting David Bowie with a potato gun during a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert (10). But at least these two provided the entire premise for the story.
a giant, mismatched animated skeleton of various dinosaurs that can detach parts at will to do ranged combat
T-rex head, pachycephalosaurus torso, velociraptor feet, pteranodon wings, and parasoralaphus srms (11) did about as well as you would expect at trying to escape.
Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer (12) was unfortunately not Conceptual Answer: Best Weapon.
RODAN
Banned deucer.
due to how this round played out 4! (FOUR!) users shall be elminated: Ullar, PokeguyNXB, Acklow, and vonFiedler have all been killed.
James Slater aka Kagami billymills zorbees UncleSam Minwu Pidge THE_IRON_...KENYAN?
next round only 2 will be cut
James Slater aka Kagami billymills zorbees UncleSam Minwu Pidge THE_IRON_...KENYAN?
next round only 2 will be cut
RODAN
Banned deucer.
two ghosts sitting on a park bench, gazing forward, never moving was RODAN
A fan that you dont know if they are a fan of something or an actual fan that blows air was TIK
a giant, mismatched animated skeleton of various dinosaurs that can detach parts at will to do ranged combat
T-rex head, pachycephalosaurus torso, velociraptor feet, pteranodon wings, and parasoralaphus srms was Ullar
that feel when no gf was James Slater aka kagami
James Bond with a cigar shooting David Bowie with a potato gun during a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. was Acklow
a time traveling chinese man wielding a mythical puzzle box was zorbees
Satan, wryly smiling, with a tattered contract in his left hand, two pens in his right, and three straws in his third. was billymills
a single atom of helium was minwu
The entire cast of Super Smash Bros. possessed by the vengeful spirit of Satoru Iwata was UncleSam
Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer was vonFiedler
"Uh.... /me uses aura sphere multiple times in hopes that someone is.... hit by it i guess?" was PokeguyNXB
UY Scuti was Pidge
A fan that you dont know if they are a fan of something or an actual fan that blows air was TIK
a giant, mismatched animated skeleton of various dinosaurs that can detach parts at will to do ranged combat
T-rex head, pachycephalosaurus torso, velociraptor feet, pteranodon wings, and parasoralaphus srms was Ullar
that feel when no gf was James Slater aka kagami
James Bond with a cigar shooting David Bowie with a potato gun during a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. was Acklow
a time traveling chinese man wielding a mythical puzzle box was zorbees
Satan, wryly smiling, with a tattered contract in his left hand, two pens in his right, and three straws in his third. was billymills
a single atom of helium was minwu
The entire cast of Super Smash Bros. possessed by the vengeful spirit of Satoru Iwata was UncleSam
Conceptual Weapon: Best Answer was vonFiedler
"Uh.... /me uses aura sphere multiple times in hopes that someone is.... hit by it i guess?" was PokeguyNXB
UY Scuti was Pidge
Wayan Vistar
formerly Flyhn
Mental note - Be more random next time. gg, and gl to those of you still alive
I don't think randomness was your problem.
yea you should know aura sphere will always hit something
RODAN
Banned deucer.
a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself
a poorly maintained front lawn
my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert
a tray of poisonous weed brownies
a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner
a fish without an eye
A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforum.
Sugar, spice, and nitroglycerin.
ROUND 2 moi Walrein internet
a poorly maintained front lawn
my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert
a tray of poisonous weed brownies
a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner
a fish without an eye
A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforum.
Sugar, spice, and nitroglycerin.
ROUND 2 moi Walrein internet
A few weeks ago, Professor Fish had lost most everything. His house, his funding, his research, even one of his eyes – In the explosion resulting from a failed experiment. He suspected his rival in the race to create the perfect little girls had sabotaged his work, but everyone loved Professor Utonium, and with no way to prove it Dr. Fish could only choose to rage senselessly or let the past be the past.
And the past is the past, of course.
These thoughts of Professor Fish ended abruptly when he found the other end of the jungle-like lawn. He stowed away his trusty machete, grabbed the delivery box, and ringed the door bell. “Hello, dear!” A nice old lady opened the door “I assume you’re the delivery boy? My my, you look so handsome and rugged with that eyepatch!” “Yes, uhm, here is the delivery. 20 special brownies!” Fish said, handing over the box. “You paid in advance, if I’m not mistaken?” “Yes, I couldn’t let an old ladies’ bad memory ruin my grandson’s best, birthday ever!” The old lady took the box with an unbefitting quickness, and Fish was back on his delivery route. But due to his bad peripheral vision, this continuation did not last, and Professor Fish quickly found himself somewhere else.
All was dark and the scent of pus filled his gills, and for a moment Fish was too scared to open his eye. He must’ve fallen through a portal of some sort, to have reached this personal hell. He opened his eyes. A large sign... welcomed him, to this hellish place.
WELCOME TO CREATE-A-POKEMON ANIME-STYLE-BATTLING!
It was muchworse than he had feared.
After several days of being trapped, Fish picked up the Anime Style Battling simply to have something to do, and his sharp intellect led him to crush even the most stalwart, experienced and autistic of adversaries amongst the CAPASBergers. Even in this empty waste of time, Fish his acute mind worked endlessly. Due to this, he came to a certain realization. He muttered it under his breath.
“CAP ASB is not CAP ASB... It’s CAPASB... it was...
Created
As
Perfect
Austistic
Specimen
Bait. ”
But there was nowhere Fish could go with this info. Quickly however, he would discover that muttering it under his breath was perhaps not silent enough.
“Hey you! Yeah, you, the one who reeks of vagina!” Fish turned to view the man spouting this crude language. He was bald, and had some sort of nerdy tattoo on his head. Another foe? “This little bird here told m-” “FAVORITED!” Annoyed, the airbender turned the animated twitter account into a blue bird balloon. “Short story shorter, I’m gonna blow you so you’ll have to blow me. Prepare yourself for a whole new kind of anime style battling!” The airbender announced, sending out a powerful blast of wind. Fish enjoyed the gentle breeze and replied “Avatar isn’t even an anime, idiot!” “Well, if it isn’t an anime, let’s turn this into hentai!” the airbender retorted, beginning to pump Fish full of air through his eye-hole. What the airbender did not know is that Fish was a Lungfish, master of all three elements* and he was prompty beaten into submission.
*To avoid reminding our viewers of their horrible wartime experiences, we have decided to scrap fire as an element for the time being.
“Face it airman, you don’t blow.” Fish said, suavely. “You suck!” Suddenly, a chorus of black people, ten-year-olds and air horns celebrated this massive burn... but a sicker burn was the airbender’s retort, and he had secretly mastered the forbidden art of fire. “But, that’s impossible... it was retconned out!” “You talk about impossible, unaware of where you are... a place of your personal DEMISE!”
Gotten-fucked-o-meter. Lower number? Bigger loser.
1. A Fish with one eye was destroyed in the surprising twist.
2. a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner was crushed.
3. A poorly maintained front lawn was cut down with a trusty machete.
4. A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforumwas never appreciated for it’s artistic merit.
5. a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself was an important part of the surprising twist.
6. Sugar, spice, and nitroglycerin brought about sweeping changes in professor Fish his life.
7. my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert blew, but didn’t suck.
8. a tray of poisonous weed brownies made sure a young boy had the best birthday of his life.
And the past is the past, of course.
These thoughts of Professor Fish ended abruptly when he found the other end of the jungle-like lawn. He stowed away his trusty machete, grabbed the delivery box, and ringed the door bell. “Hello, dear!” A nice old lady opened the door “I assume you’re the delivery boy? My my, you look so handsome and rugged with that eyepatch!” “Yes, uhm, here is the delivery. 20 special brownies!” Fish said, handing over the box. “You paid in advance, if I’m not mistaken?” “Yes, I couldn’t let an old ladies’ bad memory ruin my grandson’s best, birthday ever!” The old lady took the box with an unbefitting quickness, and Fish was back on his delivery route. But due to his bad peripheral vision, this continuation did not last, and Professor Fish quickly found himself somewhere else.
All was dark and the scent of pus filled his gills, and for a moment Fish was too scared to open his eye. He must’ve fallen through a portal of some sort, to have reached this personal hell. He opened his eyes. A large sign... welcomed him, to this hellish place.
WELCOME TO CREATE-A-POKEMON ANIME-STYLE-BATTLING!
It was muchworse than he had feared.
After several days of being trapped, Fish picked up the Anime Style Battling simply to have something to do, and his sharp intellect led him to crush even the most stalwart, experienced and autistic of adversaries amongst the CAPASBergers. Even in this empty waste of time, Fish his acute mind worked endlessly. Due to this, he came to a certain realization. He muttered it under his breath.
“CAP ASB is not CAP ASB... It’s CAPASB... it was...
Created
As
Perfect
Austistic
Specimen
Bait. ”
But there was nowhere Fish could go with this info. Quickly however, he would discover that muttering it under his breath was perhaps not silent enough.
“Hey you! Yeah, you, the one who reeks of vagina!” Fish turned to view the man spouting this crude language. He was bald, and had some sort of nerdy tattoo on his head. Another foe? “This little bird here told m-” “FAVORITED!” Annoyed, the airbender turned the animated twitter account into a blue bird balloon. “Short story shorter, I’m gonna blow you so you’ll have to blow me. Prepare yourself for a whole new kind of anime style battling!” The airbender announced, sending out a powerful blast of wind. Fish enjoyed the gentle breeze and replied “Avatar isn’t even an anime, idiot!” “Well, if it isn’t an anime, let’s turn this into hentai!” the airbender retorted, beginning to pump Fish full of air through his eye-hole. What the airbender did not know is that Fish was a Lungfish, master of all three elements* and he was prompty beaten into submission.
*To avoid reminding our viewers of their horrible wartime experiences, we have decided to scrap fire as an element for the time being.
“Face it airman, you don’t blow.” Fish said, suavely. “You suck!” Suddenly, a chorus of black people, ten-year-olds and air horns celebrated this massive burn... but a sicker burn was the airbender’s retort, and he had secretly mastered the forbidden art of fire. “But, that’s impossible... it was retconned out!” “You talk about impossible, unaware of where you are... a place of your personal DEMISE!”
Gotten-fucked-o-meter. Lower number? Bigger loser.
1. A Fish with one eye was destroyed in the surprising twist.
2. a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner was crushed.
3. A poorly maintained front lawn was cut down with a trusty machete.
4. A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforumwas never appreciated for it’s artistic merit.
5. a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself was an important part of the surprising twist.
6. Sugar, spice, and nitroglycerin brought about sweeping changes in professor Fish his life.
7. my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert blew, but didn’t suck.
8. a tray of poisonous weed brownies made sure a young boy had the best birthday of his life.
Last edited:
this one's not as good as the other one cause writers' block is real
----------
"Sugar! Spice! And everything nice! These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl!"
RODAN leaned back in his chair, clearly enjoying himself. Powerpuff Girls always made for an entertaining way to waste an afternoon, especially when accompanied by everyone's favorite food: weed brownies.
Unbeknownst to RODAN, however, there were those who wanted his head on a silver platter. RODAN's powerful and mysterious enemies had sent an assassin after him, and said assassin had successfully managed to poison the brownies while RODAN took a shit.
Unfortunately for the assassin, however, RODAN's girth was such that he was impossible to fell via this method, and thus the brownies served only to enhance his enjoyment of the children's cartoon in front of him. Cursing under his breath, the assassin fell back and lay in wait for the opportunity to make his move.
Meanwhile, a high-as-shit RODAN lumbered into his kitchen during a commercial break, convinced that he could emulate Professor Utonium and create the perfect little girls as well. Truly the munchies were strong with this one. As RODAN worked on his creation, however, he failed to notice that instead of grabbing the Everything Nice shaker, he had actually grabbed the bottle of Nitroglycerin right next to it. Silly RODAN.
Of course, the mixture promptly bubbled, convulsed, and then exploded, leaving behind chunks of RODAN and also something rather odd in the air.
As it turns out, the mixture of Sugar, Spice, Nitroglycerin, and the smell of pot is the secret forbidden technique used to create a portal - specifically, a portal that pulls any entrants to the place of their demise. Of course, given that the only human around was already dead, the paradox of killing a dead thing caused the portal to blip out of existence.
Upstairs in RODAN's bedroom, a computer monitor suddenly turned on with no outside interference. Out of the screen emerged a one-eyed fish, the personification of RODAN's twitter account which had somehow gained autonomy after RODAN lost his. Moving with some undescribable sense of purpose, the fish flopped its way downstairs and out RODAN's front door, into his poorly-maintained front lawn.
Moving silently, the assassin followed behind the fish, his pursuit concealed by both the overgrowth of RODAN's lawn and the fish's massive blind spot on his left side. Reaching the sidewalk, the fish made its way downtown, flopping past. Faces passed, homebound, but it never strayed from its course.
Puzzled, the assassin watched as the fish suddenly fell into a pit which had initially appeared to be a piece of street art. Peering into the pit, the assassin saw nothing but darkness, and seeing as the passerby on the sidewalk took no notice of the pit, he felt that his time to strike had finally come. RODAN may be dead, but his spirit lived on in this fish. He needed to finish the job.
Leaping into the pit, the assassin found himself in hell - or more specifically, the CAP ASB subforum. Looking around, he spotted the fish talking all sorts of shit about everyone that walked by. While this was a noble cause, the assassin still had to do his job.
Turning around, the fish locked eye with his doom - a very original and unique-looking airbender, with murder (and maybe a little lust?) in his eyes. Taking a deep breath, the airbender shot a gust of air into the fish, smashing all of its internal organs and killing it instantly.
And then he fucked it, cause why not?
----------
POWER RANKINGS (opposite of internet's method of ranking things):
1. Sugar, Spice, and Nitroglycerin had an explosive performance.
2. my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert did his job, and then some.
3. a tray of poisonous weed brownies successfully slew RODAN in a sort of roundabout way.
4. A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforum was the site of abominable crimes against nature, and also a fish-fucking.
5. A poorly maintained front lawn existed.
6. a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner turned into
7. A Fish with one eye did NOT have a good day.
8. a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself was in the story for like .2 seconds.
----------
"Sugar! Spice! And everything nice! These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl!"
RODAN leaned back in his chair, clearly enjoying himself. Powerpuff Girls always made for an entertaining way to waste an afternoon, especially when accompanied by everyone's favorite food: weed brownies.
Unbeknownst to RODAN, however, there were those who wanted his head on a silver platter. RODAN's powerful and mysterious enemies had sent an assassin after him, and said assassin had successfully managed to poison the brownies while RODAN took a shit.
Unfortunately for the assassin, however, RODAN's girth was such that he was impossible to fell via this method, and thus the brownies served only to enhance his enjoyment of the children's cartoon in front of him. Cursing under his breath, the assassin fell back and lay in wait for the opportunity to make his move.
Meanwhile, a high-as-shit RODAN lumbered into his kitchen during a commercial break, convinced that he could emulate Professor Utonium and create the perfect little girls as well. Truly the munchies were strong with this one. As RODAN worked on his creation, however, he failed to notice that instead of grabbing the Everything Nice shaker, he had actually grabbed the bottle of Nitroglycerin right next to it. Silly RODAN.
Of course, the mixture promptly bubbled, convulsed, and then exploded, leaving behind chunks of RODAN and also something rather odd in the air.
As it turns out, the mixture of Sugar, Spice, Nitroglycerin, and the smell of pot is the secret forbidden technique used to create a portal - specifically, a portal that pulls any entrants to the place of their demise. Of course, given that the only human around was already dead, the paradox of killing a dead thing caused the portal to blip out of existence.
Upstairs in RODAN's bedroom, a computer monitor suddenly turned on with no outside interference. Out of the screen emerged a one-eyed fish, the personification of RODAN's twitter account which had somehow gained autonomy after RODAN lost his. Moving with some undescribable sense of purpose, the fish flopped its way downstairs and out RODAN's front door, into his poorly-maintained front lawn.
Moving silently, the assassin followed behind the fish, his pursuit concealed by both the overgrowth of RODAN's lawn and the fish's massive blind spot on his left side. Reaching the sidewalk, the fish made its way downtown, flopping past. Faces passed, homebound, but it never strayed from its course.
Puzzled, the assassin watched as the fish suddenly fell into a pit which had initially appeared to be a piece of street art. Peering into the pit, the assassin saw nothing but darkness, and seeing as the passerby on the sidewalk took no notice of the pit, he felt that his time to strike had finally come. RODAN may be dead, but his spirit lived on in this fish. He needed to finish the job.
Leaping into the pit, the assassin found himself in hell - or more specifically, the CAP ASB subforum. Looking around, he spotted the fish talking all sorts of shit about everyone that walked by. While this was a noble cause, the assassin still had to do his job.
Turning around, the fish locked eye with his doom - a very original and unique-looking airbender, with murder (and maybe a little lust?) in his eyes. Taking a deep breath, the airbender shot a gust of air into the fish, smashing all of its internal organs and killing it instantly.
And then he fucked it, cause why not?
----------
POWER RANKINGS (opposite of internet's method of ranking things):
1. Sugar, Spice, and Nitroglycerin had an explosive performance.
2. my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert did his job, and then some.
3. a tray of poisonous weed brownies successfully slew RODAN in a sort of roundabout way.
4. A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforum was the site of abominable crimes against nature, and also a fish-fucking.
5. A poorly maintained front lawn existed.
6. a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner turned into
7. A Fish with one eye did NOT have a good day.
8. a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself was in the story for like .2 seconds.
It was easy to tell that something was different. Routine is easy. Slouch out of bed, past the mess of dishes and clothes left on the floor from the night before, make my way to kitchen and turn on the coffee maker. Toss two pieces of rye into the toaster, grab a thermos for my coffee, and laze my way to the office before the rush hour crew. Ten blocks north, three blocks east.
*Note that as the author wishes to remain anonymous, the details of his or her morning ritual have been changed for the sake of the story. It is rumoured that the author enjoys eggs, sausage, and hashbrowns. Rye toast is apparently "cool", though no confirmation has been received from the author.*
I always liked walking along the underpass in the morning. Unfortunately, scaffolding and workers had recently moved in to the area. Some black hole of a city project, a mural was going to be painted to make a strong statement as to our "cultural identity". Today was supposed to be the revealing, so I figured I would stop for a quick glance. Christ, wasn't it amazing. I couldn't help but to reach out...
and, well, that's where my memory gets spotty for a little bit. All that's really clear is the voice that I woke up to:
"moi? My good friend I am so glad to see you, thank you for stopping by in my homeland."
As my eyes started to adjust, I noticed the man's brown skin. There was only one man (child) this could be.
"Gale! What the fuck, where am I?" were the only words I could find.
"CAP ASB! Couldn't you tell?"
Taking a step back from everything, the picture became clearer and clearer. Pikachu's were aiming for horns, ruining the arbitrary logic that I abided by for the majority of my eight years of existence. The whole place reeked of placenta from the unaborted babies rescued here by Deck Knight.
The only thing I could think of over the stomach turning smell of coriander escaping from Gale's mouth was that I needed to escape. I gathered my thoughts and convinced Gale to work together (which, once again, proved easier than normal), dragging him along to Pallet Town. I needed a Pokemon! That was the only way I could survive this world.
Thankfully, Gale was stationed in Veridian City, so the walk wasn't too much of a hassle. I found myself unable to run, but luckily I had Gale to keep me company. Past tense being important.
Unfortunately, the residents of Pallet Town had gotten lazy. We heard something rummaging through the bushes, and turning to my left made me realize my worst fear. A wild Gyarados appeared!
Gyarados used Waterfall!
Gale fainted.
moi ran away!
And with that, I had lost my trustee companion. I scurried onto Professor Oak's front steps, and desperately knocked at the door. Instead of the man with white hair that I've come to love, a strange, bald child with blue markings let me into the house. I saw him give me the one over and wondered a little what that was about, but realised that I was pretty attractive, so at least it made sense.
Oak finally ran down the stairs, and welcomed me into his home. It was the time I had been waiting for - I could select my Pokemon. I go to the three balls, and rush to select the first, knowing that Bulbasaur was waiting for me. However, it seems that this wasn’t the case in the twisted world. Chinchou, the pokemon with clearly no eyes (don’t lie to me and tell me it does) was what I ended up selecting! Even weirder was who, or what I’d have to face instead of Charmander.
You see, the strange blue man stepped before me, and challenged my Chinchou to a battle. I had no choice but to accept. The blue man rushed towards me, seemingly floating in air, and I could only think to yell one thing.
“CHINCHOU, USE REFLECT!”
And with that, a mystical barrier appeared. The man with the markings continued his attack, yet it seemed like he was the only one it hit. He seemed to be expanding, until suddenly, he burst. It was over.
I left Oak’s and went to what would have been my mother’s had I actually been the main hero of the game. All I wanted was an extra goodie, it seemed like she did too. I opened the door and saw three heads, face down by the dining room table eating a tray of brownies. It seemed great! Everyone was resting and recovering, and I figured that was just what my Chinchou needed, so I cut it a slice, and fed it.
Chinchou started using everything! Volt Switch, Hydro Pump, Surf, other moves that that Pokemon uses. It was magical! And then it died.
Here I was in the middle of Pallet Town, with no pokemon, and a wild Gyarados awaiting my return into Route 1. Hopeless was the only word I could think of.
What was even weirder was that my phone was buzzing. Rogers doesn't usually have good reception in Toronto, let alone CAP ASB. I checked my Twitter notifications, and noticed that Chinchou tagged me in something. Weird. I had a pounding headache, so I took some nitroglycerin with Coke. It helped.
I left the house and was greeted to a portal. It pulled me in, and all I remember is the sound of Gale's voice as I woke up...
1) A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforum is my personal hell
2) a poorly maintained front lawn spawns a wild Gyarados
3) a tray of poisonous weed brownies kills Chinchou
4) a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself pulls me back into hell
5) Sugar, spice, and nitroglycerin helps my migraine
6) a fish without an eye is my trusty Chinchou that saves me and dies
7) a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner sends a message, and not much else
8) my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert gets owned
*Note that as the author wishes to remain anonymous, the details of his or her morning ritual have been changed for the sake of the story. It is rumoured that the author enjoys eggs, sausage, and hashbrowns. Rye toast is apparently "cool", though no confirmation has been received from the author.*
I always liked walking along the underpass in the morning. Unfortunately, scaffolding and workers had recently moved in to the area. Some black hole of a city project, a mural was going to be painted to make a strong statement as to our "cultural identity". Today was supposed to be the revealing, so I figured I would stop for a quick glance. Christ, wasn't it amazing. I couldn't help but to reach out...
and, well, that's where my memory gets spotty for a little bit. All that's really clear is the voice that I woke up to:
"moi? My good friend I am so glad to see you, thank you for stopping by in my homeland."
As my eyes started to adjust, I noticed the man's brown skin. There was only one man (child) this could be.
"Gale! What the fuck, where am I?" were the only words I could find.
"CAP ASB! Couldn't you tell?"
Taking a step back from everything, the picture became clearer and clearer. Pikachu's were aiming for horns, ruining the arbitrary logic that I abided by for the majority of my eight years of existence. The whole place reeked of placenta from the unaborted babies rescued here by Deck Knight.
The only thing I could think of over the stomach turning smell of coriander escaping from Gale's mouth was that I needed to escape. I gathered my thoughts and convinced Gale to work together (which, once again, proved easier than normal), dragging him along to Pallet Town. I needed a Pokemon! That was the only way I could survive this world.
Thankfully, Gale was stationed in Veridian City, so the walk wasn't too much of a hassle. I found myself unable to run, but luckily I had Gale to keep me company. Past tense being important.
Unfortunately, the residents of Pallet Town had gotten lazy. We heard something rummaging through the bushes, and turning to my left made me realize my worst fear. A wild Gyarados appeared!
Gyarados used Waterfall!
Gale fainted.
moi ran away!
And with that, I had lost my trustee companion. I scurried onto Professor Oak's front steps, and desperately knocked at the door. Instead of the man with white hair that I've come to love, a strange, bald child with blue markings let me into the house. I saw him give me the one over and wondered a little what that was about, but realised that I was pretty attractive, so at least it made sense.
Oak finally ran down the stairs, and welcomed me into his home. It was the time I had been waiting for - I could select my Pokemon. I go to the three balls, and rush to select the first, knowing that Bulbasaur was waiting for me. However, it seems that this wasn’t the case in the twisted world. Chinchou, the pokemon with clearly no eyes (don’t lie to me and tell me it does) was what I ended up selecting! Even weirder was who, or what I’d have to face instead of Charmander.
You see, the strange blue man stepped before me, and challenged my Chinchou to a battle. I had no choice but to accept. The blue man rushed towards me, seemingly floating in air, and I could only think to yell one thing.
“CHINCHOU, USE REFLECT!”
And with that, a mystical barrier appeared. The man with the markings continued his attack, yet it seemed like he was the only one it hit. He seemed to be expanding, until suddenly, he burst. It was over.
I left Oak’s and went to what would have been my mother’s had I actually been the main hero of the game. All I wanted was an extra goodie, it seemed like she did too. I opened the door and saw three heads, face down by the dining room table eating a tray of brownies. It seemed great! Everyone was resting and recovering, and I figured that was just what my Chinchou needed, so I cut it a slice, and fed it.
Chinchou started using everything! Volt Switch, Hydro Pump, Surf, other moves that that Pokemon uses. It was magical! And then it died.
Here I was in the middle of Pallet Town, with no pokemon, and a wild Gyarados awaiting my return into Route 1. Hopeless was the only word I could think of.
What was even weirder was that my phone was buzzing. Rogers doesn't usually have good reception in Toronto, let alone CAP ASB. I checked my Twitter notifications, and noticed that Chinchou tagged me in something. Weird. I had a pounding headache, so I took some nitroglycerin with Coke. It helped.
I left the house and was greeted to a portal. It pulled me in, and all I remember is the sound of Gale's voice as I woke up...
1) A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforum is my personal hell
2) a poorly maintained front lawn spawns a wild Gyarados
3) a tray of poisonous weed brownies kills Chinchou
4) a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself pulls me back into hell
5) Sugar, spice, and nitroglycerin helps my migraine
6) a fish without an eye is my trusty Chinchou that saves me and dies
7) a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner sends a message, and not much else
8) my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert gets owned
RODAN
Banned deucer.
with that 2 more have been eliminated! THE_IRON_...KENYAN? and James Slater aka Kagami have been killed
a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself was Pidge
a poorly maintained front lawn was RODAN
my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert was Minwu
a tray of poisonous weed brownies was zorbees
a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner was James Slater aka Kagami
a fish without an eye was THE_IRON_...KENYAN?
A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforum. was UncleSam
Sugar, spice, and nitroglycerin. was billymills
alright
everyone still in send me a pm and lets get r3 going
a portal that pulls people and things into it, leaving them in a place of their personal demise, and no, the portal can't enter itself was Pidge
a poorly maintained front lawn was RODAN
my OC airbender has the power to inflate anyone through any orifice, no matter how big or small, and is also a pervert was Minwu
a tray of poisonous weed brownies was zorbees
a twitter account that becomes autonomous after the death of its owner was James Slater aka Kagami
a fish without an eye was THE_IRON_...KENYAN?
A highly convincing piece of street art that actually is just a pit leading to the CAP ASB subforum. was UncleSam
Sugar, spice, and nitroglycerin. was billymills
alright
everyone still in send me a pm and lets get r3 going
damn i thought twitter was the best one.
I'm going to send in tomorrow.
holy fuck moi you actually used nitroglycerin as a prescription drug.
I'm going to send in tomorrow.
holy fuck moi you actually used nitroglycerin as a prescription drug.
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