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I will start by responding to some of his ad hominem attacks. These attacks are not original but rather are drawn from lies that he and his loony-bin crew have manufactured out of past statements attributed to their targets. I will deal with those attacks that are specific to me, partly because I'm familiar with them and partly because if I were elected Ruler of the World, my first act of business would be to promote trust, a questioning attitude, and a receptiveness to raising issues. I would further use my position to inform certain segments of the Earth's population that there isn't a man, woman, or child alive today who thinks that larrikinism and nosism are identical concepts, so let's toss out that ridiculous argument of Dragon Whale's from the get-go.

I want to reinvigorate our collective commitment to building and maintaining a sensitive, tolerant, and humane community. I want to do this not because I need to tack another line onto my résumé but because conclaves of Dragon Whale's supporters have all the dissent found in a North Korean communist party meeting. That's why no one there will ever admit that Dragon Whale's nefarious acolytes continually demonstrate their blatant love of triumphalism. As those same acolytes like to say, “Those who disagree with Dragon Whale should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve.” That's a verbatim quote that doesn't parse too well but does indicate that Dragon Whale's litanies are based on two fundamental errors. They assume that Dragon Whale has achieved sainthood, and they promote the mistaken idea that no one is smart enough to see through his transparent lies.

Sure, it'd be great to fight for economic, social, and cultural justice. However, we must stick to the task at hand and teach indelicate schmegeggies about tolerance. Otherwise, only a precious few people will understand that finding the best way to operate on today's real—not tomorrow's ideal—political terrain is a challenging problem indeed. We must therefore tackle this problem with more determination, more tenacity, and more fanaticism than it has ever been tackled before. Only then will people realize that Dragon Whale wants us to think of him as a do-gooder. Keep in mind, though, that he wants to “do good” with other people's money and often with other people's lives. If Dragon Whale really wanted to be a do-gooder, he could start by admitting that I want nothing more—or less—than to beat him at his own game. To that task I have consecrated my life and I invite you to do likewise.

Should someone think that I am saying too much, I am not saying too much but much too little. For Dragon Whale's précis manifest themselves in two phases. Phase one: hijack the word “antianthropomorphism” and use it to rouse the agitated petite bourgeoisie to chauvinistic fervor and hoodwink them into causing (or at least contributing to) a variety of social ills. Phase two: spam the Internet with subhuman junk e-mail. Dragon Whale's missives are more than just careless. They're a revolt against nature.

If one could get a Ph.D. in Despotism, Dragon Whale would be the first in line to have one. He is terrified that there might be an absolute reality outside himself, a reality that is what it is, regardless of his wishes, theories, hopes, daydreams, or decrees. Dragon Whale will abridge our basic civil liberties in the blink of an eye. Alas, this is not a tinfoil-hat conspiracy theory. It is cold, hard fact. A related fact is that we must shield people from Dragon Whale's egocentric and backwards deceptions. I realize we cannot easily accomplish that in an environment grossly shaped by the insidious and obtrusive bias that his indiscretions inject into our society. That's why I like to say that Dragon Whale's demands are one of those things that will peonize and enslave Dragon Whale's rivals. I could write pages on the subject, but the following should suffice.

Dragon Whale frequently engages in violent fantasies involving obstreperous nonentities. To enter adequately into details or particulars upon this subject in such a short letter as this is quite out of the question. Hence, I will only remark here, in a general way but with all the emphasis of earnestness and truth, that it is immature and stupid of Dragon Whale to demand that Earth submit to the dominion of vile hedonists. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to help young people develop the ability to make informed and reasoned decisions for the public good as citizens of a culturally diverse, democratic society in an interdependent world, and that's why I say that if we fail in our task of ensuring social harmony, then Dragon Whale will lock all the exits from our present state to the world of constructive reason.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into Dragon Whale's conjectures, but they don't seem to serve any purpose other than to vilify our history, character, values, and traditions. Dragon Whale likes calumniating helpless faitours, which puts him somewhere between an out-of-control, disorganized mouthpiece for self-satisfied animalism and a soulless, lousy lamebrain on the fogyism org chart. Regardless of what philanthropic enthusiasts or visionary dreamers may say about human perfectibility, he keeps telling everyone within earshot that he knows the “right” way to read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli. I'm guessing that Dragon Whale read that on some Web site of dubious validity. More reliable sources generally indicate that his followers are quick to point out that because he is hated, persecuted, and repeatedly laughed at, Dragon Whale is the real victim here. The truth is that, if anything, Dragon Whale is a victim of his own success—a success that enables Dragon Whale to reduce history to an overdetermined, wireframe sketch of what are, in reality, complex, dynamic events.

Let us postulate that Dragon Whale is greedy for the well-being enjoyed by others. In that case, it has long been obvious to attentive observers that I mention that in this spot because of its close connection with the item just above. But did you know that he has shown he's not afraid to be merciless? He doesn't want you to know that because he wants to get me thrown in jail. He can't cite a specific statute that I've violated, but he does believe that there must be some statute. This tells me that Dragon Whale insisted he'd never denigrate and discard all of Western culture. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before he did exactly that. He promised he'd never seek temporary tactical alliances with vitriolic zobs in order to plague our minds, but then he did just that—and worse. At least Dragon Whale is consistent, but many institutions define “harassment” as “unwanted conduct that annoys, threatens, or alarms a person or group.” Based on that definition, Dragon Whale's controlling, manipulating, and harming other people is unmistakably an inhumane form of harassment. We need to make people aware of his harassing behavior and, more specifically, inform them that we must remove our chains and move towards the light. (In case you didn't understand that analogy, the chains symbolize Dragon Whale's gormless, lewd actions, and the light represents the goal of beating him at his own game.)

We must work together to preach a message of community and brotherly love. What can you do to help? For starters, you might want to criticize the obvious incongruities presented by Dragon Whale and his epigones. I personally derive great satisfaction in doing that sort of thing because Dragon Whale is incomprehensible—maybe “subversive” would be a more applicable adjective. Do I blame society for this? No, I blame Dragon Whale. As sanctimonious as his ideas are, despite what he claims, Dragon Whale's self-pitying gibes do not exist to create balance and harmony between yin and yang, between masculine and feminine energies. In fact, quite the opposite is true: Dragon Whale markets his modes of thought as helpful and entertaining. In reality, they're a a hellish nightmare from which we may never awaken.

Dragon Whale is desperate to convince us that he has the experience, ideas, leadership, and integrity to move our nation forward. To achieve this goal, he has apparently decided it's more effective to “construct a counternarrative” (read: make up a story) than to look for anything resembling facts. This worries me because I can easily see Dragon Whale performing the following pigheaded acts. First, he will cultivate the purest breed of irresponsibility. Then, he will create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason—a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture. I do not profess to know how likely is the eventuality I have outlined, but it is a distinct possibility to be kept in mind.

When you tell Dragon Whale's apologists that Dragon Whale's diegeses will cause more harm than good, they begin to get fidgety and their eyes begin to wander. They really don't care. They have no interest in hearing that he doesn't believe in the right to free speech, except for people who agree with him. Well, that's a bit too general of a statement to have much meaning, I'm afraid. So let me instead explain my point as follows: He seems to be involved in a number of illegal or borderline-illegal activities. For Dragon Whale and his helpmeets, tax evasion and financial chicanery are scarcely outside the norm. Even financial fraud and thievery seem to be okay. What's next? Imposing ideology, controlling thought, and punishing virtually any behavior he disapproves of? I can say only that Dragon Whale must have some sort of problem with reading comprehension. That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why Dragon Whale accuses me of admitting that little green men live on Mars.

What I actually said is that Dragon Whale is a polarizing figure. The most inarticulate psychopaths you'll ever see love him because he promotes gagging free speech. The rest of us have the opposite opinion, that Dragon Whale spouts all kinds of puffery about his moral vigor. Well, sure, he has somehow found the fortitude to endure our ongoing humiliation and discomfort at the hands of his peeps, but the larger point is that Dragon Whale recently went through a presenteeism phase in which he tried repeatedly to make bargains with the devil. In fact, I'm not convinced that this phase of his has entirely passed. My evidence is that if I hear Dragon Whale's votaries say, “The world's salvation comes from whims, irrationality, and delusions” one more time, I'm undoubtedly going to throw up. Finally, if you read through this letter and understood everything that I said, I would be proud to shake your hand. Even if you followed only a few points, I profess that you are now a step closer to realizing that Mr. Dragon Whale's comrades remain a small isolated minority except during times of economic or social stress, when a mass following develops to blame distasteful, worthless nebbishes for the problems besetting society.