Suicide is something that has become increasingly more common in our society today. It's something that has a special place in my heart because of past events in my life and how I've come to terms with them. I want this thread to be about any past experiences you've had with suicide or suicidal thoughts. For me personally it's something I need to share because I don't ever want to forget what I'm about to write. I really hope this doesnt come across as too preachy and I'm not asking for pity either.
Growing up following Christianity I never really understood death or what it meant for people. One of the earliest deaths I can remember happening to me was my friend Marcus (fake name for sake of anonymity). He was, I believe, a Freshman in highschool at the time of his death. I was maybe 4 at the time and I'd come to know him through his little sister who lived across the street from me. She was 2 years older than I was and we played like almost every day. I remember one day Marcus hit me with his bike and that's really the only memory I have other than the fact that I looked up to him immensely. I dont really remember hearing about him dying but I remember every time I went to visit my mother's grave at the cemetery I would always go visit Marcus's too. .
My mom had passed I think before Marcus did. I'm not entirely sure because that was 15 years ago. I do remember when my mom passed however because I was in the car accident that had caused it. We were hit by a drunk driver going the wrong way and I still have a scar on my forehead to this dead from busting my head on the seat in front of me. I remember during the funeral i was running around and playing with toys as happy as can be. I didnt understand what had happened and that didnt bother me because all I knew was that I forgave the driver and that I'd see her again sometime.
The first real death that I could comprehend was Steve Irwin's. I loved his show and I watched his first movie like every other day. Steve was my hero and nothing can/will ever change that. When he died I was in 1st grade and according to my dad I cried myself to sleep that night and than forgot about until the next day. When I woke the next day and remembered what had happened I cried again for like 3 hours. To this day this is the only death that I've actually truly lamented.
I never thought about suicide until the depression hit in middle school around 7th grade. I was a goofy kid and while I was physically fit I was considered weird at my school. I never had a girlfriend and I think that need of an emotional connection really weighed down on me. I remember I wrote a short story about a kid who sacrificed his life for his classmates for a writing assignment in the 8th grade. My parents were notified and I had to talk the school counselor over a silly little story. I had never seriously contemplated suicide I had just thought about it at that age. This was around the time I had learned that marcus had passed away from auto erotic asphyxiation.
My suicidal thoughts became heightened and more prevalent in Highschool. The stress of being a 3 sport athlete and staying on top of school really brought me to new lows. This really peaked when I was a junior and I was being verbally abused by my teammates. I had always thought of them as a family and when they had verbally abused me it brought be down. I never spoke up about it because I didnt want change the team dynamic. This made seriously consider suicide. I told myself that I needed to wait, at least until prom to see if things got any better. It turns out I had a shit ton of fun at prom and I ended up just telling myself to wait.
During my senior year everything had worse and I had begin to cut myself in order to relieve stress. I couldnt shower at the highschool anymore because I didnt want my friends/ teammates to see the marks I had made on my buttcheeks. They began to tease me about not showering too and it added on top of the weight on my shoulders. I still have scars from using a serrated knife in my kitchen. I had had 2 girlfriends at this point (one of which I was still seeing) and I had even lost my virginity but that had nothing to do with how fucking miserable I was. I was numb to everything and I convinced myself to just wait until after prom like i had done last year. Prom rolled around and i felt much better. I was done with wrestling and I was outside much more due to it being track season. I felt refreshed and happy again this didnt stop the suicidal thoughts however. I'd become desensitized at this point and I still thought about it usually everyday or too.
Now that I'm a sophomore in college suicide has been something that has remained on my mind Except it's not longer a legitimate thought. it's just something that crosses my mind every now and then and it reminds me of how I used to be. The thing that stops me from acknowledging the thought is everyone I've met and come to know thought my life. Such as family members, college friends, highschool friends, past hook ups, and even future relationships. I could never turn that thought into an idea because of these people and how they would feel if I had taken my life.
Finally, if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts please let someone know. Whether it's your friend, a coworker, or even your pet, it can be helpful to talk about it.
Growing up following Christianity I never really understood death or what it meant for people. One of the earliest deaths I can remember happening to me was my friend Marcus (fake name for sake of anonymity). He was, I believe, a Freshman in highschool at the time of his death. I was maybe 4 at the time and I'd come to know him through his little sister who lived across the street from me. She was 2 years older than I was and we played like almost every day. I remember one day Marcus hit me with his bike and that's really the only memory I have other than the fact that I looked up to him immensely. I dont really remember hearing about him dying but I remember every time I went to visit my mother's grave at the cemetery I would always go visit Marcus's too. .
My mom had passed I think before Marcus did. I'm not entirely sure because that was 15 years ago. I do remember when my mom passed however because I was in the car accident that had caused it. We were hit by a drunk driver going the wrong way and I still have a scar on my forehead to this dead from busting my head on the seat in front of me. I remember during the funeral i was running around and playing with toys as happy as can be. I didnt understand what had happened and that didnt bother me because all I knew was that I forgave the driver and that I'd see her again sometime.
The first real death that I could comprehend was Steve Irwin's. I loved his show and I watched his first movie like every other day. Steve was my hero and nothing can/will ever change that. When he died I was in 1st grade and according to my dad I cried myself to sleep that night and than forgot about until the next day. When I woke the next day and remembered what had happened I cried again for like 3 hours. To this day this is the only death that I've actually truly lamented.
I never thought about suicide until the depression hit in middle school around 7th grade. I was a goofy kid and while I was physically fit I was considered weird at my school. I never had a girlfriend and I think that need of an emotional connection really weighed down on me. I remember I wrote a short story about a kid who sacrificed his life for his classmates for a writing assignment in the 8th grade. My parents were notified and I had to talk the school counselor over a silly little story. I had never seriously contemplated suicide I had just thought about it at that age. This was around the time I had learned that marcus had passed away from auto erotic asphyxiation.
My suicidal thoughts became heightened and more prevalent in Highschool. The stress of being a 3 sport athlete and staying on top of school really brought me to new lows. This really peaked when I was a junior and I was being verbally abused by my teammates. I had always thought of them as a family and when they had verbally abused me it brought be down. I never spoke up about it because I didnt want change the team dynamic. This made seriously consider suicide. I told myself that I needed to wait, at least until prom to see if things got any better. It turns out I had a shit ton of fun at prom and I ended up just telling myself to wait.
During my senior year everything had worse and I had begin to cut myself in order to relieve stress. I couldnt shower at the highschool anymore because I didnt want my friends/ teammates to see the marks I had made on my buttcheeks. They began to tease me about not showering too and it added on top of the weight on my shoulders. I still have scars from using a serrated knife in my kitchen. I had had 2 girlfriends at this point (one of which I was still seeing) and I had even lost my virginity but that had nothing to do with how fucking miserable I was. I was numb to everything and I convinced myself to just wait until after prom like i had done last year. Prom rolled around and i felt much better. I was done with wrestling and I was outside much more due to it being track season. I felt refreshed and happy again this didnt stop the suicidal thoughts however. I'd become desensitized at this point and I still thought about it usually everyday or too.
Now that I'm a sophomore in college suicide has been something that has remained on my mind Except it's not longer a legitimate thought. it's just something that crosses my mind every now and then and it reminds me of how I used to be. The thing that stops me from acknowledging the thought is everyone I've met and come to know thought my life. Such as family members, college friends, highschool friends, past hook ups, and even future relationships. I could never turn that thought into an idea because of these people and how they would feel if I had taken my life.
Finally, if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts please let someone know. Whether it's your friend, a coworker, or even your pet, it can be helpful to talk about it.
