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Before I start narrating this interview, I would like all readers to heed my warning first. This interview contains stereotypes, cuss words, and curses that may offend or shock you. If you are underage and/or an overly sensitive person, I strongly recommend against reading this! Don't worry, Earthworm, you'll like the other articles!
I ring the doorbell of a large villa, somewhere in Texas. Since Jimbo's enormous body is comfortably occupying an entire beach somewhere, an eager bojangles is standing next to me this time.
A large, caucasian man with a cowboy hat, leather boots, and other Western-like clothes opens the door with a shotgun pointed at our faces. "WE DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO YER FOLKS AROUND HERE!" he shouts. I try to explain why we're here, but bojangles points out this can't be the right house. After all, this man is Caucasian and rich, while we're looking for MoP. So we apologize and calmly back off to search for the right house. It wasn't easy to find, but we got it. Eliminating all the houses without a basketball court in the yard helped.
MoP, also known as Aeroblacktyl, let us in. Surprisingly, he seemed to have been toying around with Yu-Gi-Oh! cards rather than Shoddy Battle when we arrived. We all sit down and start firing questions, and as we expect, he fires the answers straight back with blitzing speed.
First, could you tell us a bit about the real life MoP? Occupation, education, location, that kind of stuff?
Well, half the time, I'm a full time student, and the other half, I'm a full time undercover Pokémaster. My room is pretty big and so is my closet, which is why I choose to stay in there as a Pokémon player. I'm currently enrolled in a university as a business major, but Pokémon is serious business too. Otherwise, in my spare time while I'm not kicking ass in Pokémon, I'm playing ball (all sorts, no homo) or drinking (all sorts, sometimes leads to homo).
So, since it sounds like you're an avid 'Pokémaster', how did you first get started on competitive Pokémon and Smogon?
MoP grins and nods towards his Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.
Let's see, since I'm a time wizard, we'll go back into history a bit... it was a good 11 years ago. When my Pokémaster-birthing mother dropped me off at the bookstore "Borders", I was just wandering about, and I saw a magazine and at the top it said pojo.com (don't laugh). So I went home, connected to the internet, took a nap, woke up, then waited a few more minutes for the 56k to finish, and loaded the page. Then get this, I lurked for a good year on the page, so by the time I signed up, I was Awesome McAwesome. And then Smogon just happened and it was sort of hard to ignore cause of some somewhat known people starting it. And then I kinda got too bored to quit... through the 10 year span... FML...
The Texan Pokémon Master's face wore an expression worthy of a grumpy old grandpa telling his grandchildren how everything used to be better than it is now.
Since you've been around forever, could you tell us what your favourite generation is so far? Reasons can be competitive one or otherwise!
And just as sudden as it had come, his face became a lot happier!
ADV would be my favorite generation, it's the only one where I'm allowed to use Salamence! But yeah, it's the most skill oriented generation where skill doesn't mean having a good team match up. Plus, Heracross is the shit, and Scizor was shit. Oh, and I was the best at it! But then, with that logic, any of the generations would be my favorite, so... I guess they're equal.
Speaking of generations, Stark is buzzing with 5th gen anticipation. What are your expectations for the 5th gen?
A quiet retirement.
A short silence falls where we wonder if he's going to say anything else, and then we both chuckle at this blunt answer.
What, in your opinion, makes someone a great battler rather than a good one? Forbidden answer: "being me".
"Great battlers" is a very fluid concept. A great battler is someone who can get innovative with not only their teams but their moves. You hear people claim that they can see someone's style. That is completely true for the good players but not the great players. Against great players there is no such thing as overprediction, there's just uncertainty.
A great battler also has to be Pokésmart. We're talking Alakazam savant smart. By the time turn 5 comes around, you should already know what you want to do and how you should do it. Good battlers would just 'go with the flow' and see what needs to be done. They're easier to manipulate than newbies. True story, it's scientifically proven!
So, by these standards: are you truly the best, or is that a hoax?
MoP suddenly starts coughing, and reaches for a small box on his desk. He takes out some small pills and takes in several at once.
Man, I needed some heart medication there, because that question hurts! But yeah, I am the best, I'll play anyone in a best of 13, assuming I'm not too lazy.
At this point, an obnoxious ringtone interrupts the interview. bojangles takes his phone out of his pocket. He barks “What is it? I’m busy here!” angrily into the phone. I watch as his eyes grow large, before he snaps the phone shut. He yells “My house has been bombed!” before running out of the room. I'm really worried, but MoP is just sitting in his chair, laughing quietly.
Alright then, what's your opinion on user: Jumpman16?
Oh, Jumpman16... we've both been here for so long that I am well versed in battles with Jumpmans 1 through 15, and believe me when I say, they were all just as black. Jumpman16 and I have a history longer than that of the World Wars, but in this case, he would be Germany. Any battle he starts, he just gets his ass kicked. That's better than the French (skarm), who just quits everytime when challenged, I suppose.
By now I'm sure EVERYONE knows how much control I have over the Great Dane that is Jumpman16, but this was not always true. He used to be the biggest dick ever, metaphorically and posessively. But then, one day, he realized the great charisma I had and had an epiphany: "Why would I not join this awesome Pokémaster in his conquest to conquer the world?"
Suddenly, the interviewee curses.
I just realized that I've had bad tournament success since we've been friends. So long story short, I think Jumpman16 is a bad luck charm. I guess you could say I'm Wade and he's LeBron: he'll follow me wherever I go and he has a good cult following. He is not my slave, but he is my friend. Still not my equal though.
What is the best Pokémon Gamefreak produced so far? Again, reasoning can be competitive or otherwise, and if you are having trouble picking, just write multiple so we have more to read!
The best Pokémon that has been produced has definitely has to be Growlithe. It's just so cute and cuddly. I really wish the Pokémon Fan Club President had said him instead of Rapidash, but once again, we have an inept President.
The second best Pokémon that has been produced is Heracross. He's just lovable. Can you imagine just going downstairs and into the kitchen and you see a Heracross playing with cockroaches? Wouldn't that be just adorable?
The best Pokémon made for competitive battle is definitely Tyranitar. He puts as much fear into battlers as his brother Godzilla does to the Japanese. Except the Japanese won't have any Leftovers to heal Godzilla's storm. Tyranitar is a Dark-type, and Jumpman is black; neither are good for anyone. But like my furry friend Jumpman, Tyranitar is discretely and subtly the engine that is competitive Pokémon. In fact the only difference is that Jumpman has a permanent Rock Polish.
bojangles walks back into the room nonchalantly. I look at him oddly, seeing as his house had just been bombed. He simply says “wrong number,” before diving back into the interview. Somehow, he knew what question to ask, even though he missed the last couple.
So, seeing as you're the best battler, you can answer this question easily: what is the best 4th gen team? (It doesn't have to be yours, but it can be.)
Well, that's a hard question to answer. Not because I don't know the answer to it, but because there are so many different variables to determine this. With so many allowance and bannings of Pokémon, there has been a best team for each 'stage' of the 4th generation. Obviously in each stage the best team has been mine, which are always very well crafted. Though that has unfortunately left me in the more recent times of these tournaments. Sad but true.
Is there anything you'd like to say here about the Salamence vote and the fact that you were the only one to vote for it to remain OU?
I guess we could've changed the topic title to "8 foolish men and one superior being".
A thought among the lines of "well, at least it won't take long to type this answer out" springs to my mind.
So, as a moderator, I see you've gathered about 3 pages worth of infractions here at Smogon. Have you learned your lesson yet? Or have there been good reasons for these?
There are always good reasons for those. I just absolutely cannot tolerate incompetence. I just can't. I don't care if you're a newbie, a battler, a staff member, anything; if you are incompetent, you will be told of this. Sometimes the way you are told will cause me to gain an infraction, but I am making the world a better place by telling people of their stupidity.
The fourth generation is about to come to a close. What were your overall thoughts of it, as a competitive game? Things that you liked and things that they really should have left out in your opinion?
First and foremost, they should have left out all the new people that came along with it. I highly dislike this generation. It was easy to play, sure, and killed a lot of time, but there was so much more happening that was Pokémon related that wasn't really Pokémon-related happening behind the scenes. I hate every single aspect of it. Back then, we just went on a whim. We trusted our instincts with things like the tier list as we would in a Pokémon battle.
MoP shakes his fist, the grumpy grandpa face returning.
But now we have so many processes and things to go through. Everyone wants to be objective about everything. In this generation, there is no counter for everything, and that's how people want to still deem it. It's just wishful thinking. You are not Vaporeon; stop trying to Wish for a perfect metagame. But because people are foolish, we keep having a change in everything. Sure, sometimes change is good, but the complete 4th generation is unhealthy.
I might sound bitter and old but yes, I am. This generation has caused that. I absolutely hate the 4th generation. The 4th gen truthers are even more annoying. They think 4th is the best when they haven't tried 1, 2, 3. That's like eating a grapefruit for the first time and never having any oranges. Of course I'm going to claim grapefruits are the best, because I've been too dumb to have tried oranges.
You mentioned processes a lot. If you were in charge of the 5th gen suspect test, how would you run it?
I would run it as Justin did in ADV. Whatever I say goes. Complete dictatorship of it. We already stand by "if you don't like our tiers, you don't have to follow them". I don't see why we can't apply that under the direction of one person. If you don't like what I think, I don't care. I'm better and smarter than you; why wouldn't you follow my lead? If we were going to war, would you follow the U.S. or the French?
Okay, we're all out of questions. If there's anything else you'd like to mention but didn't get to during the interview, now would be the time!
Speak from your heart!
Loki sucks, so does goof, but I'm not sure who sucks more. Hopefully we will write an article to figure out this hard question.
Alright, thanks for your time and blunt oldtimer wisdom!
We leave the house, and eventually, Texas, feeling several shotguns pointing at our backs as we do.
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