Top 10 Manliest Pokemon

By Iconic, Atticus, and Lady Bug. Art by Rocket Grunt.
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Let's be honest—Pokemon is a man's game. When you have a game revolving around imaginary monsters beating the shit out of one another, it's obvious what demographic Game Freak is targeting. This is further proven by the fact that the majority of Smogon's population is male, with a few notable exceptions including users jumpluff and Philip7086.

With that said, many of you will remember the Cutemons article that was published in the 11th edition of The Smog. While cuteness is an endearing characteristic that many can relate to, we would like to turn your attention to the aesthetically monstrous Pokemon, rather than ones that appeal to feminine senses. For your pleasure and entertainment, we have compiled a list of the top 10 manliest Pokemon, including some new ones from Generation 5, ranging from graceful to downright ferocious in appearance. Although this list was created primarily with visual qualities in mind, it is important to note that manly Pokemon tend to be beasts in the competitive field. It also comes as little surprise that every top 10 manly Pokemon is physically-inclined. Manly Pokemon don't rely on girly energy beams and other forms of non-contact moves; real men take pride in handling their opposition with their fists. Now sit back, relax, and let the testosterone begin to flow.

10. Arcanine

Our list begins with a very manly, yet often overlooked Pokemon: Arcanine. This beautiful dog began gracing us with his presence in Generation I, and has been a consistent embodiment of manliness ever since. It comes as no surprise that Arcanine is considered a legendary Pokemon by many, mainly due to his gracefulness, top-notch physique, and gruff appearance. However, what truly sets Arcanine apart from other Pokemon is his voluptuous beard. One may feel that Arcanine's unshaven face is simply a product of his laziness, but hold up there Eager McBeaver. Since the beginning of time, the beard has symbolized power, wisdom, and sexual virility, donned by great men such as Charles Darwin and Shakespeare. If that wasn't enough, Smogon's Head Admin chaos has shown us how truly manly a beard can be.

9. Metagross

Next up is the beast from Advance, Metagross. Don't be fooled by Metagross' hefty weight; in reality, he's 1212.5 pounds of pure manliness. Metagross possess a number of textbook manly attributes, such as rough skin, a defined body and glaring red eyes. In addition to this immense physical presence, Metagross further demonstrates his manliness with his nearly unmatched intelligence. While it may seem counter-intuitive that a machine-like Pokemon such as Metagross is smart, think of it this way: it's a walking supercomputer, of course it's smart as hell. Let's face it, there's nothing more appealing than a beefy and intelligent man, and Metagross falls right into that category.

8. Buffalon (AFROBULL)

Moving on, we have Buffalon/Baffuron, or more commonly known as AFROBULL (yes, the caps are mandatory when mentioning his English name). Now, although the reasoning for him being on the list is pretty self-explanatory, let's delve a little deeper into why exactly he is manly. Firstly, if you look close enough, you should notice he has a total of four golden rings around his horns. Whether he got them from his trainer or of his own accord, the fact of the matter is he is part of a select group of Pokemon pimped out with jewelry. Secondly, notice how his ability Herbivore in conjunction with his afro conveys the allusion of a BULL smoking weed. Although user FM did a good job at feminizing drug consumption, and in no way are we condoning the action, you can rest assured that AFROBULL's carefree attitude (also referred to as "`dgf") is a clear demonstration of his manliness. Finally and most obviously, he's a BULL with an AFRO. The only thing manlier that we can think of could be a grizzly bear with AK47s attached to its paws, or... the next 7 Pokemon on this list.

7. Gyarados

Gyarados is a difficult Pokemon to describe, but any way you look at it, he always boils down to pure manliness. According to various credible sources, Gyarados is half dragon, half serpent, half fish, and 100% badass. Not only does Gyarados possess an intimidatingly large body, but his face also screams manliness. His blood red eyes are complemented by his enormous and perpetually open mouth, which is always prepared to chow down on unsuspecting Squirtle. Despite his irrefutable manliness, Gyarados is also quite the gentleman, illustrating his sophisticated side with a nicely groomed mustache. Only a true man is comfortable enough with himself to show such a soft side. Regardless, Gyarados is still a monstrously manly Pokemon. The fact that Gyarados' name derived from the Japanese word for 'slaughter' speaks for itself.

6. Machamp

In a literal sense, Machamp is the manliest Pokemon in the game; he is based off an incredibly jacked human. Just one look at Machamp and you'll understand why he's such a man. His most defining characteristic, his four arms, allows Machamp to multitask like nobody's business. This means Machamp can bench press, do his taxes and grab some chow all at the same time. Machamp's four arms are nicely complimented by his perfectly shaped pecs and six pack abs. Machamp is so manly that he has no problem showing off his chiseled body to swooning Blissey, so much so that he wears a Speedo 24/7. With such a muscular body (which, mind you, was obtained without the use of steroids), it comes as little surprise that Machamp's punches confuse his opponents 100% of the time. Whether this is due to Machamp's strength or his sheer intimidation is unknown, but regardless, both factors are a direct product of his undeniable manliness.

5. Terakion

Recall the appearance of AFROBULL from earlier in this list. Now imagine if AFROBULL worked out everyday while taking anabolic steroids on the weekend — meet Terakion. Terakion is the last 5th gen Pokemon on this list so we can safely conclude he IS the manliest Pokemon from Black and White (eat your heart out Roobushin). What sets Terakion apart from most Pokemon is that he legitimately looks pissed off. He has that look of "uh oh, he's gonna kick my ass." But as we all know anger without strength is meaningless. The game's text however settles that question as "Terakion is strong enough to break castle walls with its blast." The combination of anger and strength make Terakion one manly individual of testosteronic proportions.

4. Nidoking

Just like the name implies, Nidoking is truly a KING. Not only is Nidoking one of the manliest Pokemon from Generation I, he is simply one of the manliest Pokemon ever created. Although his color scheme is unorthodox, Nidoking pulls it off with great success. His purple body and aqua ears may appear feminine, but Nidoking is such a man that he couldn't care less. On the other hand, his muscular, toned, and thorny body only add to his manliness. In addition to his looks, Nidoking does a lot of manly things. For instance, he produced an Earthquake just by being sent out of his Pokeball in the anime, and he even threw Giovanni's 662 pound Golem across a room. If that isn't manly, nothing is. If you're still not convinced, consider this: Gary Oak owns a Nidoking. Case closed.

3. Tyranitar

Tyranitar has always been known by most battlers as one of the most ferocious Pokemon ever to grace the game. His manliness stems from his prehistoric roots as a humongous rock dinosaur. If you recall earlier in this list, we mentioned that Terakion could knock down castles by rampaging through them. Tyranitar, however, takes it to a whole new level of raw power. His Pokedex description states that "if it rampages, it knocks down mountains and buries rivers. Maps must be redrawn afterward." Where do we even begin with a statement like this? The fact alone that he can dismantle mountains is manly enough, but he changes the environment so much that maps have to be redrawn. Let's say you're hiking through Mt. Silver, then all of a sudden you hear a huge explosion and there's debris flying everywhere. You would probably assume it was because of some kind of natural disaster but nope, a Tyranitar just went for a morning jog and got a bit off course consequently ramming his head through a mountain. We've used strength a lot as a manly trait but Tyranitar, by far, takes the cake in that category.

2. Groudon

Groudon may be the runner-up of our list, but he is by no means a wimp. Had this list not included fourth generation Pokemon, Groudon would have been number one without a doubt. You may recall any stereotypical martial arts movie that involves the main character sitting under a waterfall in order to train. Groudon, however, sleeps with 50 metric tonnes of magma gushing on him every second. Each and every step Groudon makes causes an earthquake with a magnitude of 6.3 on the Richter scale (and 7.9 when he's mad). Groudon is so manly that his massive, armoured body is modeled after a behemoth, a creature of legends and religious texts that ruled the land. Now you may be thinking, "Groudon sure is huge, that must slow him down. Right?" WRONG. Groudon is of equal Speed to the agile Lucario, so envision this: a 100 foot prehistoric behemoth with the power to tear up a city so much so that it makes New Orleans look like the Garden of Eden. Yeah... he's so manly we went there.

1. Garchomp

A lot of you probably saw this coming, but how dare you even think of disagreeing. Garchomp is the epitome of manliness. The intimidating stance, the strength, you name it. Just think of it this way; a lot of people are terrified to even step foot in any body of water regardless or not if sharks are present. Now picture this — a shark on legs that can freely move across land AND fly at the speed of a jet plane. Just the sheer awe factor demonstrates his immense manliness. Garchomp is a Pokemon so scary, that most people were afraid it would be the dominant force of DP even before the game was officially released (and no, his amazing stats had nothing to do with it). The sight of Garchomp in a competitive DP match caused players to piss their pants and cry in agony. Although this may make him appear as some kind of tyrant, Garchomp was actually just flexing his muscles and these were simply the side effects. Garchomp is without a doubt the manliest Pokemon to ever have been conceived, and we thank Nintendo for blessing us with his existence.

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