Bottom 10 Most Threatening Pokémon IRL

By Oglemi. Art by RitterCat.
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Last issue, I explored the top 10 most dangerous Pokémon if they were to exist in real life. The world would be squirming with things looking to kill you at all times of the day as I pointed out in that article. However, there would be a select few that would be on the lesser side of dangerous, and maybe even helpful. Theoretically, you could catch even the most dangerous of Pokémon, assuming technology advanced to the point to where that were possible, and use them for your own destructive purposes. However, there would be a few Pokémon left in the world that wouldn't cause you much harm should you encounter them on your travels. These are the Pokémon you'd want to meet one-on-one in a dark forest with nothing on your person but the clothes on your back.

10. Farfetch'd

Farfetch'd is probably the least dangerous bird that would exist if Pokémon were real. The reason for this is two-fold: they're endangered and therefore wouldn't want to come across you in the wild in the first place, and even if you came across one it wouldn't be able to do much to you besides smack you with its leek (or incessantly follow you signing leekspin, which come to think of it is probably the worst thing it could do to you). Though, that's not even that threatening since you can just punt it before if even got close enough to bash you. The best part? If you did come across a Farfetch'd in the wild, it's a free meal! They're supposedly quite a delicacy, which drove them to the brink of extinction in the first place. Getting caught eating a Farfetch'd or even messing with one could land you a cushy place in jail though, which is probably the greater threat here. Should you be lucky enough to try one though, let me know how it tastes. Bon appétit!

9. Azurill

So here we got a flotation device with a face. Assuming its tail isn't made of rock or something, getting hit by the Thick Fat or Sap Sipper variants probably wouldn't hurt much. And should you need to ford a river, all you need to do is grab one of these mouse monikers and be on your way. You can even use it as a sentient bolas in order to catch some other kind of food source, like a tasty Sawsbuck. Of all of the things that would exist ready to kill you as soon as you reach any amount of water, seeing one of these barbells would be a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, it'd probably cry a lot, which if you've spent any time around a baby you'll know just how annoying that can get. Also beware of the Huge Power variants; I've seen some guys mistakenly mess with one of those and they are now paralyzed from the neck down.

8. Ledyba

Cutest Pokémon. Hands down. Favoritism aside, Ledyba is the epitome of weak, monster-sized bugs you'll inevitably stumble across on your adventures. The most harmful thing this cutie could hope to do is maybe put you in a coma from d'awwwing too much. If it tried fighting you it would just look even cuter; can you imagine this thing getting angry and trying to punch you with its tiny arms? Adorable. The only downside to encountering a Ledyba is probably its stink. If you've spent any time in the northwoods in fall, you know what I'm talking about when I say that ladybugs are a fowl smelling species; I can only imagine one 100x the size of the average ladybug smells putrid.

7. Shuckle

So Shuckle is a bug, in a rock. Let's soak that in for a second. It's a worm... with a symbiotic relationship with a rock. That has a habit of changing Berries into Berry Juice. Cool. So it's a living, portable juice bar that's basically incapable of harming you. And they're typically located on beaches. All you need now is a beach towel and a parasol and you're set. It's also fun to think about if you let the Berry Juice ferment for an extended period of time. Getting you and your Pokémon drunk off fermented Sitrus Berry juice would be hilarious.

6. Luvdisc

After lounging on the beach with your Shuckle-bar, you can take a swim with your significant other in the warm tropic waters to search for this love-fish. Not only is it not going to harm you, it's going to bring you ever-lasting love. Talk about a sweet deal, and an awesome aphrodisiac. No longer do you have to spring for the Spanish fly; just meet up with a Luvdisc and BAM, you're ready to go. Though this could come with the side effect of seeing a ton of old couples on the beach ditching their Viagra for some Luvdisc love...

5. Sunkern

Here we have a seed. A tiny little seed. That's only form of defense is to shake its leaves at attackers. What it thinks it's doing by shaking its leaves is baffling; it's almost like if a bear were attacking me and I decided to whip out my junk and shake it at it. Ultimately, the effort will be fruitless. About the only time that Sunkern is even moderately threatening is when it falls randomly out of the sky. From whence it is falling is unclear, but if it has built up enough momentum it could be damaging to your cranium.

4. Klink

Klink is not only never going to hurt you, unless you are massively weak to electrical shocks, it's also the solution to the world's energy crisis. It's a self-sustaining, reliable, electrical resource that takes orders! No longer would the world have to rely on coal or natural gas for electricity; all you would need is a plant of these suckers. What happens when they evolve into Klang and Klinklang? Well all you have to do is take the minigear from Klang and it dies, ensuring that humans would always have control over them. Klink is the complete opposite of dangerous, and it's lucrative!

3. Magikarp / Feebas

I'm sure everybody and their mother saw this one coming, and it should be obvious as to why. They're nothing but ordinary fish! There's hundreds of real animals that are far more dangerous than these stupid fish, like, I don't know, SHARKS. They're so stupid that they can't even naturally learn any dangerous moves, instead vying for the extraordinary ability to Tackle their foes to death, or heaven forbid, Splash and flop at the feet of their attackers. The only onus with these two is, you just can't mess with them in the fear that they could evolve suddenly into Gyarados or Milotic. But that usually only happens if you club them too much with your other death creatures. So, don't club them and everything should be alright!

2. Togepi / Togetic

With the rare evil Togepi aside, meeting up with a Togepi or Togetic would be one of the best things to ever happen in your life. How long the happiness lasts from meeting up with these creatures is unclear, but it very well could be a lifetime of pure euphoria and joy. Imagine a life where you never feel sadness or grief. You would be as happy as a Canadian at all times. Get shot in the leg? "LOL, good shot bro! I really need to watch my step! Sorry for wasting your time, eh!" Significant other cheats on you? "Well, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, right eh!" World War III happens? "Well, it was only a matter of time if you ask me."

Not to mention that having one of these bundles of joy nearby would be the cure for depression, and along with that significantly less suicides. Though, this could have an unintentional side effect of creating an army of happy-go-lucky suicide bombers ready and willing to die for their country... Yippeeeeee BOOOM!

1. Chansey / Blissey / Audino

These three are the only purely good Pokémon in the world. While they are capable of shooting thunderbolts and flames out of their mouths like many of the other death creatures, they would never harm another creature without the orders of a mean Trainer. They get their high instead from helping and healing others. If you were to throw a rock at Audino, it would just shoot a Heal Pulse right back. You probably couldn't make them angry if you tried; it's like they have an unquenchable thirst of motherly care. It's unclear if they're capable of performing invasive surgery, but if they can, hospitals would never need to hire another doctor again. And these three would never need to be paid; they'd just be happy bringing care to their patients. Free health care at last!

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