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Late at night, my phone rang, awakening me from my drunken slumber. Groggily, I picked it up and mumbled, "Hello?"
A mysterious voice responded, "For your assignment, I'll need you to travel to Boston."
"Wrong number, mate. You're looking for Oglemi," I replied as I shut my phone quickly. It rang twice more, but I ignored it. Then, a loud knock came from my front door. I answered it, only to find a small man in a tuxedo.
"Your limo awaits, sir," he said, motioning to the car. It was a different voice from the one on the phone.
"Did... he send you?" I asked. The man nodded. I muttered a few swears under my breath, grabbed my coat, and got in. A few hours later, I was outside a cocktail lounge in Boston.
I walked inside the smoke-filled barroom and took a look about. I was seriously underdressed for this place. I noticed a different sort of smoke surrounded one man in the corner. Was that Vader? My assignment was becoming clear. I took a seat across from him, sighed, and began the interview.
Alright, Vader, can you tell me a bit about yourself in real life, where you're from, and what you do?
My name is Amir, I live in Massachusetts, I go to UMass Dartmouth majoring in literature, and, uhhh, those are most of the facts about me that exist.
Do you have any hobbies outside of Pokémon?
My hobbies include naturewalks and reading about serial killers, drugs, history. I make #pokemon blow up with serial killer facts.
Got any serial killer fun facts you'd like to share?
Uhh, my favorite serial killer was called Herman Mudgett, alias H. H. Holmes. He built a murder castle. His kill count is unknown, with four confirmed and as many as a few hundred. He took life insurance policies out on his victims and then sold the bodies to universities to cash in twice.
I chuckled a bit and lit a cigarette. Immediately, a cocktail waitress dropped off an ash tray in front of me.
What an entrepreneur. Your love of drugs is well known to anyone that visits a forum. How exactly did you end up in charge of that place?
lol. I started out posting in firebot. My early posts were mostly about how bad mattj was and eventually I posted some threads. cookie and az liked them. Then a forum got made, and I got mods there after a few months. Then I got smods for being King LC, so Hip and I co-owned a forum. Then hip quit eventually and left it to me, so here we are.
King LC... how did you acquire that title?
Before I came to smogon, I was on the little cup forum, which was where lc started before it came to smogon, and I came to be staff there by running tutoring and getting people to play via warstories. My second post was the first archived lc warstory !_!
Nice! So when Little Cup transitioned to Smogon...
Uhhh, well sds got mods, and gen empoleon, then sds and gen had a fight like the gay babies they were, so gen quit. Then eric the espeon got mods and I was eric's #2 for the longest time, so once his regime took over smogon lc, I was in a high position. Then I started doing lots of work as a mod and became the king of lc, and then I got subordinates and started doing very little.
With great power comes great minions~
Vader let out a menacing snicker.
So, what is it that you do on the site nowadays?
Mostly edit shade's signature and various avatars.
Do you still play Pokémon, or do you mostly keep to a forum these days?
Well uhh, I play like a game a week or so, but mostly I mod a forum.
Another cocktail waitress popped by, dropping off a round of drinks that neither of us ordered. We didn't complain.
Are you looking forward to a whole new gen of babymons?
Yeah, I'm gonna play more I expect. I wanna be more involved again since there will be tiering and all that crap.
What is it about Little Cup that first appealed to you?
Well I think the baby pkmn are cooler in general and when I first started pkmning in jr high, I had aspirations of being a hotshot youtube wifi battler and I wanted my gimmick to be lc doubles on pbr. I saw a link in someone's sig to lcf and then signed up there and was shown shoddybattle by the fine folks there.
Do you have any aspirations of getting involved with Smogon Youtube? That Google chat thingy seems pretty fly...
No, I wanted to be a celebrity.
Amir, I could make you a *star*.
Vader laughed, though I could see a certain twinkle in his eye that showed he still had dreams.
So, I would ask you what your favorite Pokémon is, but I suspect I know the answer... Instead, I'll ask you "what is it about Porygon that moves you?"
Well, when I saw it as a five year old, I was enamored with its backstory/dex stuff about moving thru CYBERSPACE, so I spent two weeks playing pokeslots to get a porygon.
How did you fend off the following gambling addiction?
They removed the slots in the new games. It's horseshit.
Taking a long drag of my cigarette, I leaned back and stared at Vader for a moment.
So, Vader, tell me about the drugs.
lol. Well the first time I took drugs recreationally was a few benadryls I popped in my sophomore year. I did benadryl a LOT in high school, my drug of choice in those days in fact. When you take a super high dose you have super vivid hallucinations, like one time I was staring at the grass and in the grass was Amir and that Amir was in the jungles of Vietnam, but in reality I was at band camp standing in formation staring at the grass. Vietnam, you know, the war, the country, the terror...
His disposition grew cold for a moment. Something horrifying seemed to flash before his eyes. He shook it off and continued.
I took it twice a week for a while my senior year of hs, but that came to an end when cannabis became my drug of choice; lsd I first used my first semester of college, but I wanted to do lsd since I was like twelve or thirteen. The Beatles made me curious about it. So uh, I smoke weed a lot now, I used to use lsd a lot, but I ran out and it's rare, and I'm retired from benadryl. I started alcohol after weed, like two or three weeks. I don't drink often tho since I am not responsible about my drinking.
How do you afford all of these drugs?
I afford it with a job. I work all summer, bank teller.
He had fallen for the setup. Now to ask him a question I had asked him once before, while I was as high as he was now.
Think hard about this next one. If you could be a bank, would you do it?
lol. The only change I would make to myself is two more arms.
Like a Machamp?
Any reason why?
Versatile and good in a fight. Well, just think of the possibilities. You could do twice as much anything. They're the most useful part of your body. Pet four animals, murder ants twice as quickly, keep spreads for bread on deck. My real power is I have four guns instead of two.
There was a sinister smile on his face. I wondered if he had thought about the difficulties of finding a good four-armed shirt...
Strong reasoning. So, Mister V, do you have any closing thoughts you'd like to share?
shade is gay, I want smogon to know and understand that fact. Much gayer than Oglemi, or even Ninahaza.
Haha, well, thank you for your time, Vader.
You're welcome. I'm amazing. I literally amaze myself.
As I made my way out of the smoky lounge and back to the limo, I couldn't help but feel a little amazed.
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