Team Rocket Memos

By megacrazyhand. Art by Matryoshkat.

Gather round, because today I present eight memos from the desk of Giovanni:

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As is Rocket tradition, this is your weekly memo. This week, we will cover what is required of everyone for our Community Outreach program.

To cover what I already know, we have placed a recruitment agent at the top of Nugget Bridge just outside of Cerulean City. So far, we have been successful in identifying potential talent, and the current plan is to have our recruitment agent and some of his fellow members become friends with these young potentials so that they may be eased into the Team Rocket life.

While I am assured that our recruitment agent present on Nugget Bridge is in good standing with the organization and is a good battler, I would like to emphasize that under no conditions should he reveal that he is a member of Team Rocket; at least until the talent he has found is ready to be recruited. The long-term success of this operation most likely rests on this aspect.

What I want you, my loyal executives, to do is to put such an agent at every landmark. I want one at Diglett's Cave, Rock Tunnel, and Pokémon Tower. I want them to keep vigilant eyes for our newest recruits. Most importantly, I want them to make Team Rocket look good. If Team Rocket is an unattractive choice, then there will be no reason for young people to join us, and if young people do not join us, then our membership will eventually peak and atrophy. One of my aspirations is to guarantee that Team Rocket exists for future generations, gathering wealth and continually asserting itself as the international criminal syndicate of choice. If you have not yet adopted this ambition, please do so or be removed from your post.

Finally, as a way to show that I'm hip and prepared for the wave of young recruits we will inevitably get, I have written a tanka to inspire everyone into action.

Atop the world; stars
Stare into a great field.
Team Rocket blasting
Off at the speed of light. Give
No mercy; Surrender now.

I also hope for your feedback on the tanka. Does it work?

-Giovanni

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As is Rocket tradition, here is our weekly memo. To start, I have received your feedback on my tanka and I have learned my lesson. I am not Robert Frost, merely a man.

Next, before we get into what we need to cover for the week, I must lament the failure of our Community Outreach program. It would appear that just before I sent that memo, our recruiter revealed his identity to a ten-year-old he faced. Unbeknownst to the recruiter, it was the same ten-year-old who had just disturbed our dig in Mount Moon. As such, the kid beat him, which leads me to the point of this memo: the need for new training videos.

Before I get into the need for new training videos in regards to young children, let's talk about a problem that has been endemic in Team Rocket for a while. It is generally expected that in a Pokémon battle someone may get hurt. This is more so in Team Rocket, where we use Pokémon battles to solidify our new acquisitions. It is also historically the case that our newest recruits don't quite understand the danger and end up getting hurt. This costs Team Rocket and our cover businesses thousands a year.

Due to this, the first new training video we will need is one about proper safety during Pokémon battles. It's come to my understanding that we never made one, and while I had to have signed off on not making one, I don't remember doing so. The next thing we need to make a video on in regards to this is a simple truth: do not assume your opponent's Pokémon is friendly. Sure they may be cute and fluffy, and sure that Growlithe might be wagging its tail to say hi, but it might be wagging its tail because it's excited to bite you. As even small Pokémon like Growlithe can jump high, the danger they pose is pretty high. Ideally, we don't want any Pokémon bites in the three-month period after the video is implemented.

Finally, we will make a video on not showing mercy to a ten-year-old. First we have to find a ten-year-old though, and tell them that they're filming a commercial for a new toy. They'll never figure it out. It is imperative that this video be viewed by everyone: whenever a Team Rocket member loses to a young child, the great gangsters in the sky laugh at us. As do the people of Kanto. It is of the utmost importance that we do not lose to any young children again.

-Giovanni

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Alright guys, memo time! First and foremost, I would like to thank all of you for your cooperation in making this team what it is. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

That said, I have no heart for the Executive who has been spreading some rumor about my cowardice. If I were a coward, I ask you, would I give all my grunts whips? No, I am no coward, I am a crude businessman capable of mastering the art of the deal. It's this quality of myself that makes me saddened by our seeming stagnation.

I understand that we have a Marowak skull-harvesting operation occurring in Lavender Town. To aid in it, I took the initiative to acquire some valuable assets. These assets are specifically Silph Scopes. Now, our men will be able to see the ghosts of Pokémon Tower and combat them with their Zubat and Raticate. I also authorize for one of them to hold a more powerful Drowzee and Koffing so as to more easily dissuade any stray trainers who wish to combat us.

You may be asking, "well boss, how did you get those Scopes?" I assure you it was actually very simple. First, I walked into Silph Co., and then I went up the stairs and chatted it up with a guy from Research and Development. He was happy to discuss the specs of the Scope with me, but when it came to telling me where they were kept he couldn't be persuaded. Fortunately, my Rhydon was there to help me persuade him. Knowing their location, I walked into the room they were kept and took several handfuls in a bag.

The point I'm trying to make with this is that I don't like getting my hands dirty. What I did is the sheer minimum any Grunt should do, if they can't then axe them. Your mission is to continue the skull harvest; it'll bring in some good money. Do not allow any interruptions. I will begin business negotiations with Silph Co. shortly.

Don't you dare fail me.

-Giovanni

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Today we address the ten-year-old in the room. Literally, the one who strolled into my room, beat me in the art of business, and then stole my Silph Scope. If I weren't mad about the whole failure of security, I'd be impressed. It is an extremely mighty shame, then, that there was such a massive failure of our security. One we need to break down and talk about.

The first breach is on me. I don't understand why I greenlit that idea, although I now understand how the people who greenlit Avengers #200 feel. It was a massively terrible idea to have a person in a Rocket uniform guarding our hideout, and our lesson is learned. That said, the rest of you provide terrible security. Not only were our puzzles not nearly complex enough but no one has owned up to dropping the Lift Key. I even tried my usual method of coercion via Nidoking but, for some reason, everyone confessed when facing down a Horn Drill. Perhaps threatening to brutally murder people is not a good way to get reliable information. Who would have thought?

So I'm putting the rest of this on you. We've lost our hideout, which means it's going to be harder to get our profits from the Game Corner, and police have already swarmed the place. Fortunately, no connections to myself were present, so I can continue to keep the Pokémon League busy while we begin rebuilding. I want you to double down on the Pokémon Tower Marowak hunt; the kid took a Silph Scope, so, if so much as an old man shows up—take care of him. Quadruple down on our presence in Saffron City; we'll take Silph Co. by force and conquer the company that owns this country. Then we will be grand masters of everyone. Make it very clear that we need to hurt this ten year old. Cowardice will not be tolerated.

You better not give me bad news,

Giovanni

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How is it possible that this week I've received not one piece of bad news but two? I explicitly said not to give me any. However, I will recap these for those who do not know.

First, we lost the Marowak skull-harvesting project. I'm told that as the members in charge of the operation were attempting to hold up an old man—who claims that he was trying to put a bad spirit to rest and that said bad spirit had caused a chain of possessions in the tower (what a hack!)—the same trainer who wrecked our Casino Hideout burst in and beat all of them in single combat. While I should be proud of the honor that our man showed fighting a young child in single combat, I am not. Perhaps if they ganged up on him our operation would still be profitable. Therefore, the first order of business is to make sure that if you see this ten-year-old, then make sure you gang up on him.

The second piece of bad news is that my son did not receive a birthday present from me. I could have sworn that I had told one of you to buy him a present and place my name on it, but after looking back on my memos I have realized that I forgot to do so. Therefore, I want Archer to take his pick of any item from Silph Co. and send it over to Silver. Except a Poke Doll, those aren't for him no matter how much he asks. Understood?

Speaking about Silph Co., I'm getting tired of how diplomatic the Chairman and I have to be over this Master Ball. Thus, I am ordering a large-scale invasion of the building in which anyone who does not cooperate will be attacked (either with Pokémon or with those whips we give people, I don't have a preference). That way the Chairman will have to give me the Master Ball, which we can then mass produce, both for profit and for extremely rare and powerful Pokémon.

Head to Silph Co. immediately, and Godspeed.

-Giovanni

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You had one job Archer, one job. You failed at that job. I just got a phone call from Silver's mother saying that he loved the doll I sent him. The doll. Your job was to not send him a doll. Here's what you'll do next: you'll go to my house at night and steal that doll and replace it with a Golem. Having to raise a fully evolved Pokémon at his age will doubtlessly mold him into a great man. There is a second punishment for you, Archer: you may never retire. That's right, you'll now live out all of your days as a Team Rocket member.

Well, good luck with that. I have to get back to negotiating with the head of Silph Co.

-Giovanni

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My fellow executives, today I address the fact that I failed to address the ten-year-old in the room. Quite literally, I had him in my sights and failed. We all failed. I was incredibly close to shaking loose the plans for the Master Ball, but now our ingenious plot to earn us endless riches has fallen apart.

As a result, it is with great regret that I must announce downsizes. Raids and Research and Development are to cut personnel by ten percent, Advertising by fifteen percent, and Training by ten percent. Likewise, all leftover Pokémon are to be liquidated. I want it made clear that that means sold, not made into liquids. Archer will continue working here, as he has a life debt that has yet to be paid.

There is a second, smaller problem that I must address: the Pokémon League. They have finally grown suspicious of my absence from the Viridian City Gym and are threatening to investigate. I will head back there immediately and make sure that if they snoop around too much, they will learn to fear Fissure.

While I'm there, I must accept challenges. As a result I make a solemn promise to everyone: I will drop this kid in a hole or I'll quit. That way you know I'm serious, Team Rocket must never die.

Live Long and Blast Off.

-Giovanni

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I have good news. I no longer have to write these painful memos. Can you imagine how hard it has to be for me, master criminal Giovanni, to be polite to all of you? All of you incompetent piles of Trubbish? I have an idea of how hard it is.

The bad news is that you are all jobless now. But wait, there's more! You're all jobless because of your own incompetence at beating a ten-year-old! A ten-year-old bested and destroyed us because of you! Not once in my long life of robbery, theft, and murder have I seen such a poor display of violence. I gave up family time for you, I gave up time running businesses for you, and I gave up my life building up this empire your incompetence has torn down.

Now for the worse news! It's time for me to disappear forever! So no, you won't be getting any "good recommendations" from me when you're looking for your next job. Don't worry, I have that covered too. I've had my secretary put together a list of some of the least competent admins:

Michael, Fredo, Angelo, and Rafael: I hope you all get a head start, because the cops will be at your doors soon! Jerry, I have nothing against you, but I told Archer that if this day ever came he'd join the fishes. I don't care enough to follow through with it anymore, so please take him to an aquarium. I'm genuinely sorry for that inconvenience, I actually respected you.

But to everyone else, this is farewell! It's been terrible, and have fun in jail!

This is what you get for making fun of my tanka.

-Giovanni

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