CAP 18 CAP 18 - Pokedex Submissions

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Could someone please check the word count on my second WIP? I counted exactly 25 for both entries, but my counting has been wrong before, so I just wanted to make sure.
 
pushpaa said:
Could someone please check the word count on my second WIP? I counted exactly 25 for both entries, but my counting has been wrong before, so I just wanted to make sure.
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They are both 25, don't worry.
 
WIP

Volkraken, the Vampire Squid Pokémon

X: This Pokemon incinerates its prey even when underwater. Researchers hoping to study this Pokemon know to keep their distance.

Y: Volkraken was discovered when scientists investigated intense beacons of light on the ocean floor.
 
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General comments:

Species names have only gone up to a maximum of 13 characters. While not an explicit rule, in-game precedence probably should not have names that exceed that limit.

I find myself interested in entries that evoke the vampire squid part of the design. A little horror in Pokemon's style is quite apt for this Pokemon, and, well, I'd just like to bring that part of the design out a bit more. How is Volkraken akin to the vampire? Maybe it drains the life force of its victims, changes its shape to something bat-like, or has an insatiable urge to count. Incorporating those elements elegantly into it being a deep-sea squid will catch my attention.

In contrast, I'm less fond of entries that say, at their essence, 'this Pokemon is dangerous to people traveling at sea'. Jellicent's and Dragalge's entries already say that sort of thing, so adding Volkraken into the mix seems trite unless the entry is creative in another way. Do make me think differently if an entry of that detail is used.

I have ambivalent feelings toward entries that point out Volkraken's glowing spots. Using them in conjunction with something vampiric is nice, but I don't see them as radiant as Mollux's shell lamp and being used for something really bright. Flavorful photophore functions filters favorites for me. :P

Specific comments (V4LOVER LOOK HERE AGAIN):
  • V4LOVER: Sorry! D: I accidentally started with Deck Knight's post, missing yours. Thanks for posting that GIF and providing inspiration! X's entry portrays luminescence and vampirism well, fitting Volkraken in general. I'd make Y's entry a little more obvious it's about Volkraken rather than having a sentence insinuate Volkraken's horrific habits. Do any Pokedex entries mention blood explicitly, or could the wording of that entry be sugarcoated?
  • Deck Knight: A meal is singular, so its life force should be singular, and Volkraken should swallow it whole. Alternatively, change 'a meal' to ''meals'. Now, with the grammatical issue out of the way, I'll give my opinion. I'm a little skeptical about reshaping cells compared to reshaping tissue masses in your X entries. Pokedex entries, I know, aren't really accurate, but physically rearranging cells is particularly hard to digest. Could Volkraken alter the luminescence of certain cells or flex the tissue on its mantle? I however, really like the Y entry and how it makes it explicit how vampiric Volkraken is. The theme in that entry is excellent.
  • scorpdestroyer: Wonderful; you use Vampire Squid as the species name. :) X's entry is fantastic, given how vampiric and aquatic it is while showing off something interesting and unique about Volkraken. Y's entry is also creepy yet suitable for Pokemon. I don't really see internal organs melting as I do cooking or burning. Melting is typically reserved for non-organic matter. Small concern, though. The entry is otherwise great!
  • frenzyplant: Using boiling-hot water fits Volkraken perfectly, as does it luring prey vampirically. Distant lights seen by boaters imply Volkraken's photophores are bright and near the surface, right? I don't particularly see Volkraken having bright photophores and being near the surface, but I suppose you could argue that.
  • HyperBeamingEevee: Hmm, in the X entry, I don't see how living in polluted places helps Volkraken excel at Fire-type attacks. Wouldn't Volkraken be more of a Poison-type? It does learn Poison-type moves, but you'd think Poison would be more prevalent if it's its habitat. I find deep-sea hydrothermal vents more believable in that regard. The Y entry also doesn't mesh. Waves are on the surface, while sunken ships are on the ocean floor. Do you happen to mean underwater currents? I believe the proper wording is 'spies on', unless you just mean Volkraken sees other Pokemon (capital and with the accent, please). You mean 'latches' rather than 'lashes', right? Clinging rather than whipping with tentacles?
  • deathsnake951: No comma in the first sentence; you have one subject and two predicates. 'Prey' is singular, so the 'them' in the second sentence should be an 'it'. The entry for Pokemon Y seems grammatically correct. Content-wise: X's entry brings together Fire/Water and vampiric qualities well. I can definitely see it (when grammatically correct) in-game. Y's entry's second half is pretty unique, which is great. The dissonance between the two sentences isn't atypical of Pokemon, so it fits rather nicely. The use of 'superheated' seems very apt, both for Volkraken and for Pokedex entries.
  • Toebag: Well, uh, biologically, bioluminescence is caused by chemical reactions, not raw ignition. If GolurkYourself submitted the version of Volkraken with those fiery wisps emerging from the photophores, I could believe that more, but as it is currently, I don't connect fire and glowing spots. I additionally mentioned that people in the Pokemon world may not know what vampires are, but if they do, then that entry sounds sound to me. In-game precedent would place 'Vampire of the Sea' in double-quotes.
  • AwkwardSquirtle: The X entry is intriguing, and I'm not sure if I like it or not. The idea reminds me of the Slugma line, which is a bit different from Volkraken, but it sounds vaguely plausible due to how fiery it is. You got me interested. :) For the Y entry, I'd reword it so that I'm not reading over the sentence parts with commas as speed bumps. I'd like your application of those glowing spots and Fire/Water more if you do!
  • CerberusSONE: First set: A little more detail may be nice for the X entry, but it's pretty okay as it is. The comma in the first first entry is unneeded, since there's only one subject vs. two predicates. I like the depiction of Volkraken given in the Y entry, since it's unique and shows Volkraken as nurturing rather than deathly. It stands out, which helps attract people browsing through entries. Second set: Species name is long. X's entry falls under the point about photophores I mentioned above. Y's entry doesn't need the comma before 'or', since the sentence has one subject and two predicates. I don't think squids exist in Pokemon (only in species names), so I'd change that noun to something more familiar. However, the context of that entry is fine and nicely implies both Volkraken's intellect and its potential for viciousness.
  • Dragonblaze052: I'm not entirely fond of 'heart attacks' as reactions from Volkraken sightings, but it's not wrong, per se. I don't think it really fits in Pokemon, even if some Pokedex entries describe some gorier things. Opinions. :U On the other hand, Y's entry is okay, though the two parts imply a connection whereas a mad Volkraken doesn't have much to do intentionally with ships. Does Volkraken take its anger out on ships? Is Volkraken the type to get angered, despite getting Analytic? I'm curious as to what that reasoning is.
  • epicparker: X's entry is generically good. Y's is too.
  • Elite Lord Sigma: The species name is a big long, so be aware of that compared to in-game species names. The inclusion of 'fellow Volkraken' in the X entry caught me off-guard in a good way! I like the way you show Volkraken's lack of remorse, even for fellow members of its species. In the Y entry, 'anyone' should correspond to 'his or her' rather than 'their', being singular. Other than that, great! I find it really plausible and flavorful that people can think that of Volkraken's false face.
  • pushpaa: First set: X's entry is one word too long. I think 'pass out' is fine instead of 'pass out cold'. I don't get exactly why Volkraken's stare causes people to pass out, but I don't get a lot of reasoning in Pokemon. :P Y's entry is a nice contrast in terms of length, and it provides great creepy flavor in a short amount of space. I don't think 'devil' would be permitted as a species name, though, as fitting as it might be. Second set: Lovely choice of words in your sentences. The X entry describes Analytic well without being too explicit, and Y's entry shows Volkraken's potential for havoc with its photophores. It reminds me a bit of Malamar, but it differentiates itself enough by it using photophores rather than just being hypnotic.
  • Toa Tahu: Mantle is a perennial choice of word for deep-sea fiery Pokemon, and the use of this as a species name is no exception. Both X's and Y's entries sound quite nice, having just the right amount of distinction from generic squid activity and flavor related to Volkraken's design and elements. Great job with your entries!
  • finnaggann: First set: I'm less fond of real-life references, since most of them tend to be in earlier generations when the Pokemon world hasn't been fully defined yet. I suppose I'd like Marianas Trench to be more generic, as great as that reference would be. In the Y entry, 'it's' should be 'its'. 'Get around' sounds a bit colloquial. 'Navigate around', 'solve', 'circumvent' would fit, depending on what you mean. Second set: Morph does work better as a species name. 'Shifting'? 'Camouflage'? I'm throwing words out that may have relevance. I like how X's entry exaggerates Volkraken's capabilities (because lighting water on fire essentially requires breaking it into its elemental components, which takes a lot of energy). Y's entry uses 'it's' where 'its' should be. The exaggeration in the Y entry is also fine, though it's less plausible since Volkraken has a measly base 45 Attack stat and it's a squishy squid. Still fine, though!
  • Nuclear disaster: Aw, I love the X entry. :D Wonderful way of conveying Analytic and squids' intelligence without delving into something grimmer. Y's entry is nicely worded and gives great flavor to Volkraken's habitat reflecting its typing. The entries as a whole really attract me. :)
  • Shadowshocker: Quite interesting X entry. There's a bit of science to it that's not out of place in real life nor in Pokemon. It's unique, definitely. Y's entry is generically good.
  • Hoping4megasceptile: The species name is intriguing, although I can't help but think it's needlessly fancy by using the word 'empusa'. No need to change it; that's just my musing. In X's entry, I think changing 'even obstacles can't stop it' to 'no obstacle can stop it' conveys Volkraken's intellect much more strongly. In the Y entry, Volkraken should be capitalized and unbolded. Y's a neat version of vampires' weakness to light, and it also reminds me of merfolk's transformation to sea foam upon death. That is a nice way to incorporate vampiric qualities!
  • Aquaking: I'd reword the X entry a bit. I'd say that a sailor should be the noun rather than the lights from Volkraken. If you'd rather keep the sentence structure, 'sailor's stories' should have 'big catches', I'd think, correlating plural noun to plural noun. Y's entry, as it currently is written, say that boneless bodies allow themselves to hunt. I'm sure you would want 'and let them' to be 'and this lets it' or something of that flavor.
  • Hollymon: I dunno, 'Luminous' as a species name means you're placing that element of Volkraken above the vampire squid part. I don't really like the attention to that. The entries themselves are quite fine, what with their detail on Fire/Water as a typing, photophores, predation, and disaster-causing.
  • Darkhuaza517: 'Tampered' typically means that something is broken or corrupted in some way. I don't think that's the word you're looking for to describe Volkraken's evolution around hydrothermal vents. 'Altered'? 'As a result of living by hydrothermal vents'? Y's entry is wonderfully flavorful, but, even if it's a legend, is quite a bit terrifying. I don't know what younger people would think of a Pokemon that could destroy life that exists in 70% of the world.
  • Jakamor_GGP: Well, those are some... eccentric entries. BMB would like them. I'd tone them down from 'highly implausible' to 'likely implausible'.
  • DetroitLolcat: Kudos for using 'Vampire Squid' explicitly as a species name. In the X entry, should 'even underwater' be 'even when underwater'? The latter sounds more pleasing, but I'm not sure if the former is incorrect. The Y entry contrasts with my preference of Volkraken's lights being more subdued, so I can't say I like it, even if the entry is otherwise flavorful and fine.
 
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Volkraken, the Vampire Squid Pokémon (fyi I'm not copying DLC's species name; that's just what Volkraken is based off of)

X: Using its intelligence and limberness, Volkraken has the ability to examine its foes' defenses and pierce through without letting them escape.

Y: It mastered Fire-type attacks after adapting to the hydrothermal vents at 2 miles deep. Its bioluminescence is the only light that exists at that depth.
 
Volkraken, The Magma Squid Pokemon

X: Volkraken often rest near volcanic vents to absorb geothermic energy, later to be utilized for scorching hot ambushes.

Y: This Pokemon waits in the shadowy depths, calculating the right time to strike and drain the life force from its prey.

Tried to emphasize both the fiery and vampiric aspects more. What do you guys think?

EDIT: Switched them (X/Y)
 
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Volkraken, the Vampyre Squid Pokémon

X: Volkraken love to bask in boiling hot water. These Pokémon are infamous for getting into the boiler rooms of even the most secure ships undetected.

Y: Volkraken has excellent control over its bioluminescent lights. It can use them to entice prey, frighten larger Pokémon or seek out and attract a mate.


The X and Y entries both have 25 words.

For the species name, I decided to play with an alternate spelling of vampire (which I believe is legit) that looks and sounds like the common name if it's basis in real life, but also contains pyre, which I'm sure many of us know is the place where a body is traditionally cremated by this point.

For the X entry, I tried to make a clever connection between it's typing, at least one ability and a relationship with humans.

For the Y entry, I made a reference to the excellent skills that a squid can attain as well as the life of a predator in the deep sea (though without explicitly mentioning the deep sea).
 
Quanyails said:
  • finnaggann: First set: I'm less fond of real-life references, since most of them tend to be in earlier generations when the Pokemon world hasn't been fully defined yet. I suppose I'd like Marianas Trench to be more generic, as great as that reference would be. In the Y entry, 'it's' should be 'its'. 'Get around' sounds a bit colloquial. 'Navigate around', 'solve', 'circumvent' would fit, depending on what you mean. Second set: Morph does work better as a species name. 'Shifting'? 'Camouflage'? I'm throwing words out that may have relevance. I like how X's entry exaggerates Volkraken's capabilities (because lighting water on fire essentially requires breaking it into its elemental components, which takes a lot of energy). Y's entry uses 'it's' where 'its' should be. The exaggeration in the Y entry is also fine, though it's less plausible since Volkraken has a measily base 40 Attack stat and it's a squishy squid. Still fine, though!
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Took your advice and made the thing with diamonds much more believable. My intention with that was too have the beak cause the pressure but I can't find a way too fit that in.
 
Quanyails said:
  • Elite Lord Sigma: The species name is a big long, so be aware of that compared to in-game species names. The inclusion of 'fellow Volkraken' in the X entry caught me off-guard in a good way! I like the way you show Volkraken's lack of remorse, even for fellow members of its species. In the Y entry, 'anyone' should correspond to 'his or her' rather than 'their', being singular. Other than that, great! I find it really plausible and flavorful that people can think that of Volkraken's false face.
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Since changing "anyone" to "his or her" would make my entry too long, I simply changed "anyone" to "those" and pluralized "soul."
 
I edited my X entry on Quanyails' helpful correction. Also, new WIP.

Volkraken, the Infernal Pokémon.

X: Volkraken live deep in the ocean, rarely seen by humans. They combust the energy they drain from their prey to form fire.

Y: These Pokémon are highly intelligent, and use jets of boiling water to draw out prey.

So far, I like my first one better.
 
Edited my entry. Hopefully that will resolve grammatical and physiological terminology issues.
 
thank you Quanyails :) well i see your point about cooking > melting but I was also partly making a reference to how octopuses use digestive juices on crabs to liquefy them and suck them out, and adding a heating part into it (melting). Cooking is quite interesting but im not sure it really portrays the vampire part about sucking out liquid. if anybody has suggestions im open :)
 
Volkraken, The Molten Abyss Pokemon

X: This Pokemon is known to capture its prey with tentacles, roast, and devour it whole.

Y: Often unseen while gliding around volcanoes beneath the sea, Volkraken acts as one of the most dangerous deep sea predators.
 
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Volkraken, The Sea Cavern Pokemon

X - Staying in the dark corners of the sea, this pokemon leaves a heated slime trail behind it while it travels.

Y - This pokemon spits fire that burns under water. Volkraken only move at night so that it's glowing false face helps it hunt.
 
Thanks for the feedback everyone!
Another WIP

Volkraken the High Flame Pokemon

X: Volkraken has been retold of in countless myths. It is believed that flocks of them are responsible for Bermuda Triangle Mishaps.

Y: Because of poor eyesight, Volkraken's False Face lights up to help in vision. Many lights underwater indicate Volkraken are planning their next target.
 
Quanyails said:
Hoping4megasceptile: The species name is intriguing, although I can't help but think it's needlessly fancy by using the word 'empusa'. No need to change it; that's just my musing. In X's entry, I think changing 'even obstacles can't stop it' to 'no obstacle can stop it' conveys Volkraken's intellect much more strongly. In the Y entry, Volkraken should be capitalized and unbolded. Y's a neat version of vampires' weakness to light, and it also reminds me of merfolk's transformation to sea foam upon death. That is a nice way to incorporate vampiric qualities![/hide]
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Yeah, I was trying to go for the mermaid/vampire connection there. I will edit those parts soon. Btw, I really want empusa in this CAP since I couldn't do the names. I love those Greek myths
 
Alright, time for Final Submissions. Make them within the next 24 hours if you'd like to be slated. I'd like to remind you all at this time to read the rules when making a final submission. Your entry will likely be disqualified if you do not -- yee be warned.
 
Final Submission

Volkraken, the Hydrothermal Pokémon

X: It lures unsuspecting prey into the undersea vents it lives in, then sears them with boiling-hot water.

Y: Groups of this Pokémon watch ships for weeks to learn their sailing patterns before sneaking inside and drowning all on board.
 
Final Submission

Volkraken, the Shifting Pokémon

X: Volkraken's body can reach temperatures that can boil water in seconds or even light water on fire.

Y: Volkraken lures in prey by changing its body's shape and pattern of bioluminescence, then crushes it with enough force to turn sand into rock.
 
Final Submission

Volkraken, the Abyssal Pokémon

X: Despite its scary looks, it's actually intelligent and curious. It inspects submarines that visit the deep sea.

Y: It superheats water to boil its prey. It can be found around sunken volcanoes and deep-sea vents where darkness is total.
 
Final Submission

Volkraken, the Hadal Pokémon

X: It ignites the chemicals it consumes from hydrothermal vents as a means of jet propulsion.

Y: This Pokémon is highly intelligent. It will quickly learn from and solve even human-engineered puzzles.

Reworded the Y entry; it's a bit shorter now. I'm still not completely satisfied with it, so I think I'll look toward other Pokedex entries for something that captures Volkraken for me. :)

  • wh0sy0urpapa: Using 'Vampire Squid' as the species name is fine by me. :) It's extremely apt for Volkraken, no? The X entry feels clunky at the 'pierce through' part. If you remove the first predicate, you get 'Volkraken has the ability to pierce through without letting them escape.', a sentence that seems to be missing an object. Would 'pierce through them' work for that sentence? Beyond grammar, I'm not too fond of describing Volkraken being able examine stuff as a special ability. I would think the ability is to pierce through defenses. Maybe just trim 'has the ability' and readjust the rest of the entry. On the other hand, Y's entry is pretty great. The entry flows and describes much of Volkraken that lends itself to flavor.
  • epicparker: 'Scorching hot' --> 'scorching-hot'? The entries are well-written and exemplify its typing and vampiric qualities, while providing a unique distinction between Volkraken and other deep-sea Pokemon. Nicely done.
  • Psyco_Josho: The alternate spelling is interesting--not bad, but I don't find myself completely drawn to it. I like the habit you've given to Volkraken in the X entry, being innocuously destructive in a distinguishable way. I'd add the Oxford comma in the Y entry, since there is an 'or' and an 'and' in the latter sentence. The content of that entry is quite nice, showing off the photophores for an assortment of interesting uses.
  • deathsnake951: Y's entry doesn't need the comma, since there's a single subject in the sentence. I too prefer the previous set. Forming fire underwater is less plausible than superheating water, and using boiling water to lure prey makes me wonder about absent details. If you want to use those entries, I'd personally like a little more reason.
  • Deck Knight: Indeed, now that the entries are more biologically sound to me, I prefer them more. :P The tense of the Y entry's second sentence is slightly odd. 'It drains their life force' and 'it will swallow them whole' don't match. If order is implied in the sentence, 'it then swallows them whole' would work. If not, 'it swallows them whole' would keep the sentence parallel.
  • scorpdestroyer: Ah, that's understandable, although I personally find the use of word 'melting' inaccurate still. Actually, since you've mentioned the word, would 'liquefying' work? It can mean 'melting', though Volkraken can liquefy prey with proteins and such, too.
  • V4LOVER: Check the previous post if you haven't. D: Sorry again!
  • Tadasuke: 'Roast it' for the second predicate in the X entry, lest you get the sentence 'This Pokémon is known to roast.' I'm imagining an underwater barbecue. :P Y's entry imply Volkraken as a dangerous Pokemon quite well, I must say. I can imagine it flashing its photophores at an inopportune moment for its prey after being nearly invisible to it. The opening clause bugs me a minute bit, but I can't place exactly why.
  • MiloticKing: The word 'pokemon' in the X entry should be capitalized and have the accent (same for the species name). The 'it's' in the Y entry should be an 'its', since it's being used as a possessive noun, not a contraction. The content of X's entry is unique, and I can imagine it being sensitive to heat and using that otherwise invisible trail to find its way back. Y's entry actually points out that it can make an underwater fire instead of saying it does so for some reason without mentioning how it can at all. I don't see how the photophores on its mantle help it hunt; does its actual eyes not function during day, or is it too sensitive to sunlight, thus requiring the false face's light? That sentence brings confusion to me.
  • HyperBeamingEevee: Not as fond of real-life references like the one in your X entry, but that is just personal preference. The capitalization in your entries is unusual, since the capitalized words aren't really proper nouns. Is there a series of events called the 'Bermuda Triangle Mishaps', or are they just mishaps that happen in the Bermuda Triangle? Volkraken has a false face, yes, but that's no different than other species' false faces. The capitalization there is unnecessary. The grammar in Y entry's first sentence is a bit strange, I must say. 'To help in vision' seems like it's misusing a preposition. I think 'to help its vision' or 'to help it see' would be better wording.
  • Hoping4megasceptile: Hah, you're like me. :P I really like the word 'Hadal' for this CAP, so yeah, I'm also sticking it in as a species name.
 
Volkraken, the Vampire Squid Pokémon.

X: Volkraken uses receptors on its tentacles to sense body heat underwater. It then predicts its prey's next move with its sixth sense.

Y: The heat from this Pokémon can conduct through any material. Using this heat, it liquefies its prey's internal organs before sucking out the fluid.

I tried to include several elements about the CAP, especially the vampire squid part. I drew inspiration from how vampires sense body heat from blood (well, at least vampire bats do) and how they feast on blood (a body fluid as in Y). Also was making a reference to how some octopuses eat crabs by liquefying their insides and sucking them out. The X entry is mainly based on the Analytic part, and I tried to incorporate both Fire and Water into the entries.

alright thanks to Quanyails's suggestion I updated the Y entry to become this. I'll leave this open for a few more hours then I'll make it a final submission
 
Final Submission

Volkraken, the Lurker Pokemon

X: It roams the extreme depths, luring in prey with its luminescence and burning away their life force with superheated water.

Y: Legend has it that seafarers would be found in a pile of ash whenever a ring of lights was seen beneath the waves.

I've heard somewhere that the Y-entries (or the equivalent game per generation) are darker and more sinister, so I tried to make it seem frightening (or at least with a similar theme). I tried to emphasize the glowing spots on Volkraken, in a way of luring prey. I also made sure to include its actual typing properties (hot water). I chose the title "Lurker" as it does not already exist on a Nintendo-made Pokemon and it fits the deep-ocean habitat. As a bonus, each one can be attributed to one of its primary abilities (X with Analytic, luring in its prey successfully, and Y with Infiltrator, coming aboard the ships, supposedly). There are some vampiric aspects to the X entry as well.

Thanks Quanyails, it's ok ^^
 
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