Hi friends,
It’s been awhile (almost a year in fact!) since we’ve had a greatest hits thread. So I figured we could come together as a community to synthetically create one since apparently the natural way isn’t working out for us this year. I’m confident that this won’t result in anyone trying too hard and that nothing could possibly go wrong. Please save all your best jokes, hijinx, for this thread, and maybe (just maybe) we can create something special.
I’ll start with a story.
Have I ever told y’all about the time I hit a girl with my car?
It’s been awhile (almost a year in fact!) since we’ve had a greatest hits thread. So I figured we could come together as a community to synthetically create one since apparently the natural way isn’t working out for us this year. I’m confident that this won’t result in anyone trying too hard and that nothing could possibly go wrong. Please save all your best jokes, hijinx, for this thread, and maybe (just maybe) we can create something special.
I’ll start with a story.
Have I ever told y’all about the time I hit a girl with my car?
I am a good driver, I promise. Up until recently I had had a clean record for 6 whole years, not even a parking ticket! But even the best of us make mistakes sometimes. And I don't think we should be judged for those mistakes, because they can happen to anyone. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I (in the words of the local Police Department) "stuck a pedestrian with my motor vehicle." ACCIDENTALLY, okay?
It was a dark and stormy night in the fall of 2018. I had a 6-9 class and I was driving there because I didn't want to walk through the rain. So I was about to make a turn onto a one-way street. So I was only looking for cars coming from one way. As I was looking for cars one way, I saw that there was no one coming from that one way. So I started to roll forward to make the turn. What I failed to consider is that there could be a pedestrian crossing from the other way.
So yeah I gave this girl a little love tap with my car. My immediate reaction was to throw the car in park, get out, and make sure she was okay. I quickly found out that she wasn't seriously injured, she didn't get knocked over, just stumbled a little bit. But she was BIG MAD. She immediately starts screaming at me, so I decided to stay in the car as to not escalate the situation. And I made sure to roll down the passenger side window because I didn't think she had the reach to punch me out like she would've had if I rolled down the driver's side.
So basically our conversation was mostly her just screaming at me. I tried to stand up for myself but me being me I started to cry. This only seemed to annoy her more, because she hit me with, "Why are you crying? You didn't get hit by a car!" ...which is a fair point. But I just want to say that hitting someone with your car has to be almost as traumatic as getting hit by a car, so I'd at least like a little bit of sympathy. Anyway, we ended up exchanging information (that's right fellas, I got her number ) and she walked away from the scene.
I ended up skipping my class, driving to the nearest parking garage, and broke down crying. I called my friend who worked as a cop and was like, "I'M GOING TO JAIL" and he told me, "Nah don't freak out you're not going to jail." So that calmed me down, until the local Police Department called me and I thought, "I'M GOING TO JAIL" until they told me no I wasn't going to jail, they just wanted my side of the story. So that was that, I didn't go to jail, story was over... or so I thought.
About a week later, I'm hanging out with my roommates (who by this point were aware of the situation) when I got a call from an unknown number. And this call was even more terrifying than when the local PD called me. "Hi, this is *insert name*, I'm the father of the girl you hit with your car." OH. MY. GOD. I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL, I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE. Turns out this was kind of an overreaction, but can you blame me?
He actually ended up being a pretty nice guy overall. Only thing was when we were discussing what happened, he claimed that his daughter's phone had broken due to the collision (suspicious if you ask me ) and he kind of pulled the tough guy move on me, like "What are we going to do about that?" So me, also being a tough guy, I gave into his demands without putting up a fight and said that I'd pay for a new phone for his daughter.
Now as a bit of an aside, this really has no business being funny, but it honestly kind of is so I'm going to tell you about it. When we were talking the dad told me "Don't worry, I'm not going to rip you off. I've been a customer with T-Mobile for 19 years so I should be able to get you a good deal." Like okay??? Weird flex that you've been sticking with the same mediocre cellular service provider for almost two decades, but go off king.
ANYWAY, like I said my roommates were around and they were absolutely eating this shit up, having a lot of fun at my expense. But my roommate *insert name*, who is an admittedly smart guy, stepped in to give me some advice. He said, "You know, you just agreed to pay for a new phone for her so you KNOW she's going to go out and get the latest and greatest iPhone. You should've said that you'd only be willing to pay to replace the phone she already had." And you know what? That's pretty sound financial advice, but like... I hit this guy's daughter with my fucking car, I'm not about to play hardball with him.
I forgot to mention that his girlfriend was in the room too. And while I love her she is a SHADY. BITCH. Because as soon as I said the dad's name out loud she immediately started doing some crazy detective work trying to find out everything she could about this dude and his family. And honestly I'm glad she did because what she found out was really interesting.
The parents were fairly unremarkable, but their two children, the girl I hit and her older brother, were both professional athletes. Let's start with the older brother. Turns out he's a LINEBACKER IN THE NFL. So I'm like great this is a guy who could actually kill me with his bare hands if he wanted and I'm not on his good side. But it got me thinking... I know it was the morally right thing for me to pay for this girl's phone, but like... NFL players have pretty fat contracts so it's not like they NEEDED my money. And besides, with all that cash you think they'd at least upgrade to AT&T or Verizon or something.
The girl I hit is actually even more interesting though. Because she is, I shit you not, A PROFESSIONAL DRAG RACER. Which is so cool, because I had never run into one of them before! (Pun absolutely intended) But again, it got me thinking... with her being a drag racer she of all people should know that I wasn't even going that fast when I hit her so I don't know why she was freaking out so much. (This is a joke, I'm not a bad person I promise)
ANYWAY, the only reason this is a funny story is that the girl was not seriously hurt and all reparations have been paid. Really in the end, the only person hurting was me... financially. Because this phone ended up costing me $874.49. So if you're interested in helping me out at all in my time of need my Venmo is [REDACTED]. Thank you.
It was a dark and stormy night in the fall of 2018. I had a 6-9 class and I was driving there because I didn't want to walk through the rain. So I was about to make a turn onto a one-way street. So I was only looking for cars coming from one way. As I was looking for cars one way, I saw that there was no one coming from that one way. So I started to roll forward to make the turn. What I failed to consider is that there could be a pedestrian crossing from the other way.
So yeah I gave this girl a little love tap with my car. My immediate reaction was to throw the car in park, get out, and make sure she was okay. I quickly found out that she wasn't seriously injured, she didn't get knocked over, just stumbled a little bit. But she was BIG MAD. She immediately starts screaming at me, so I decided to stay in the car as to not escalate the situation. And I made sure to roll down the passenger side window because I didn't think she had the reach to punch me out like she would've had if I rolled down the driver's side.
So basically our conversation was mostly her just screaming at me. I tried to stand up for myself but me being me I started to cry. This only seemed to annoy her more, because she hit me with, "Why are you crying? You didn't get hit by a car!" ...which is a fair point. But I just want to say that hitting someone with your car has to be almost as traumatic as getting hit by a car, so I'd at least like a little bit of sympathy. Anyway, we ended up exchanging information (that's right fellas, I got her number ) and she walked away from the scene.
I ended up skipping my class, driving to the nearest parking garage, and broke down crying. I called my friend who worked as a cop and was like, "I'M GOING TO JAIL" and he told me, "Nah don't freak out you're not going to jail." So that calmed me down, until the local Police Department called me and I thought, "I'M GOING TO JAIL" until they told me no I wasn't going to jail, they just wanted my side of the story. So that was that, I didn't go to jail, story was over... or so I thought.
About a week later, I'm hanging out with my roommates (who by this point were aware of the situation) when I got a call from an unknown number. And this call was even more terrifying than when the local PD called me. "Hi, this is *insert name*, I'm the father of the girl you hit with your car." OH. MY. GOD. I'M NOT GOING TO JAIL, I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE. Turns out this was kind of an overreaction, but can you blame me?
He actually ended up being a pretty nice guy overall. Only thing was when we were discussing what happened, he claimed that his daughter's phone had broken due to the collision (suspicious if you ask me ) and he kind of pulled the tough guy move on me, like "What are we going to do about that?" So me, also being a tough guy, I gave into his demands without putting up a fight and said that I'd pay for a new phone for his daughter.
Now as a bit of an aside, this really has no business being funny, but it honestly kind of is so I'm going to tell you about it. When we were talking the dad told me "Don't worry, I'm not going to rip you off. I've been a customer with T-Mobile for 19 years so I should be able to get you a good deal." Like okay??? Weird flex that you've been sticking with the same mediocre cellular service provider for almost two decades, but go off king.
ANYWAY, like I said my roommates were around and they were absolutely eating this shit up, having a lot of fun at my expense. But my roommate *insert name*, who is an admittedly smart guy, stepped in to give me some advice. He said, "You know, you just agreed to pay for a new phone for her so you KNOW she's going to go out and get the latest and greatest iPhone. You should've said that you'd only be willing to pay to replace the phone she already had." And you know what? That's pretty sound financial advice, but like... I hit this guy's daughter with my fucking car, I'm not about to play hardball with him.
I forgot to mention that his girlfriend was in the room too. And while I love her she is a SHADY. BITCH. Because as soon as I said the dad's name out loud she immediately started doing some crazy detective work trying to find out everything she could about this dude and his family. And honestly I'm glad she did because what she found out was really interesting.
The parents were fairly unremarkable, but their two children, the girl I hit and her older brother, were both professional athletes. Let's start with the older brother. Turns out he's a LINEBACKER IN THE NFL. So I'm like great this is a guy who could actually kill me with his bare hands if he wanted and I'm not on his good side. But it got me thinking... I know it was the morally right thing for me to pay for this girl's phone, but like... NFL players have pretty fat contracts so it's not like they NEEDED my money. And besides, with all that cash you think they'd at least upgrade to AT&T or Verizon or something.
The girl I hit is actually even more interesting though. Because she is, I shit you not, A PROFESSIONAL DRAG RACER. Which is so cool, because I had never run into one of them before! (Pun absolutely intended) But again, it got me thinking... with her being a drag racer she of all people should know that I wasn't even going that fast when I hit her so I don't know why she was freaking out so much. (This is a joke, I'm not a bad person I promise)
ANYWAY, the only reason this is a funny story is that the girl was not seriously hurt and all reparations have been paid. Really in the end, the only person hurting was me... financially. Because this phone ended up costing me $874.49. So if you're interested in helping me out at all in my time of need my Venmo is [REDACTED]. Thank you.
