Social LGBTQIA+

[Bella]

Hey all, Bella again. For those who don't know me, im a 17yr old tgirl living in most C+ / B- tier city in the nation (Colorado Springs). I wanted to post an update while also asking for advice. This will be in the style of my last "serious post" for the record, so sorry if it sounds like all of a ramble. Got a lot in my brain and just need to let it out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the time of writing this post, its now been just about 7 months since I started Estrogen (which, give or take, I have taken about 205 pills since then, since I've missed a few days) . I've decided to play it safe for the most part about it all. I've been on 2mg / 50mg for the entire time and don't plan on bumping up my dosage atm because of both my issues with paying for it and not wanting the effects to be that noticeable for the time being, since I still live in my extremely socially conservative evangelical household.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honestly, HRT has been a mixed experience for me. The first month and a half felt great, and I felt on top of the world, but since then I've kind of just felt, well I guess the term is meh? About it all..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TW: Discussion SH and ED (though in a positive light) for the next part.
On the one hand, Estrogen has been great for me in a few ways. The mental clarity for the first twoish months was great, and I have noticed some chest growth and slowing of body hair growth which is always nice. Its also helped me better handle my issues with SHing and my ED fairly well, and while I still struggle with both of those things its now a much less consistent thing for me. It feels good in that sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the other hand, Estrogen has had its downsides, which I feel like not a lot of people talk about, although I feel like this is because not a lot of people have the same experiences I have had in my life. In a sense, I feel both guilty being on E while also feeling like I am wasting the opportunity from it. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm wasting it. In all metrics but on the medical standpoint, I'm not transitioning. I can't socially transition safely yet. The lack of motivation to do barely anything anymore means I have basically near given up on even attempting to train my voice to sound even vaguely fem and not awful and masculine. I have exactly one (1) IRL connection in my life who I talk to often who knows Im trans, and even then I have not seen them in months due to various circumstances. I don't even own any more feminine clothes anymore because, well, to make a long story short, I had to get rid of them. It makes me feel wasteful of it, honestly. I feel like.. I don't deserve it. I know people in much different positions than me (be it they are older, socially but not medically transitioning, having parents who actually love them but aren't socially or medically transitiong, w/e) who absolutely deserve this medicine more than I do, yet somehow I'm the fcking idiot on it. I get there's "being stealth" and stuff but honestly.. I don't know. It just doesn't.. feel like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought Estrogen was going to help me deal with my dysphoria better or something, but honestly? In a weird, completely twisted way, I feel like its has barely changed anything -> even making it slightly worse? I want to be a woman so badly, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and in a sense I feel like I should be. Estrogen should be making me happier with myself. Estrogen should be helping me deal with my dysphoria better than it does atm. Instead, I feel like all this medicine going in my body is nothing but just placebo to me. It's supposed to make me feel like a woman more, but it doesn't. In my mind and in the mirror I still see a man taking some fucked up medication to mutilate himself, and I hate it. I don't like the feeling at all and I just want it to stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I guess my point with this post and all is how am I supposed to deal with these feelings? How do i stop feeling completely guilty about the opportunity I was given with my medication and how can I get myself to like myself more even in a situation I find myself in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sorry for being in a ramble again and ruining the mood the previous messages had. I hope everyone takes care of themselves.

 

[ohko by scald]

Hey all, Bella again. For those who don't know me, im a 17yr old tgirl living in most C+ / B- tier city in the nation (Colorado Springs). I wanted to post an update while also asking for advice. This will be in the style of my last "serious post" for the record, so sorry if it sounds like all of a ramble. Got a lot in my brain and just need to let it out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the time of writing this post, its now been just about 7 months since I started Estrogen (which, give or take, I have taken about 205 pills since then, since I've missed a few days) . I've decided to play it safe for the most part about it all. I've been on 2mg / 50mg for the entire time and don't plan on bumping up my dosage atm because of both my issues with paying for it and not wanting the effects to be that noticeable for the time being, since I still live in my extremely socially conservative evangelical household.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honestly, HRT has been a mixed experience for me. The first month and a half felt great, and I felt on top of the world, but since then I've kind of just felt, well I guess the term is meh? About it all..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TW: Discussion SH and ED (though in a positive light) for the next part.
On the one hand, Estrogen has been great for me in a few ways. The mental clarity for the first twoish months was great, and I have noticed some chest growth and slowing of body hair growth which is always nice. Its also helped me better handle my issues with SHing and my ED fairly well, and while I still struggle with both of those things its now a much less consistent thing for me. It feels good in that sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the other hand, Estrogen has had its downsides, which I feel like not a lot of people talk about, although I feel like this is because not a lot of people have the same experiences I have had in my life. In a sense, I feel both guilty being on E while also feeling like I am wasting the opportunity from it. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm wasting it. In all metrics but on the medical standpoint, I'm not transitioning. I can't socially transition safely yet. The lack of motivation to do barely anything anymore means I have basically near given up on even attempting to train my voice to sound even vaguely fem and not awful and masculine. I have exactly one (1) IRL connection in my life who I talk to often who knows Im trans, and even then I have not seen them in months due to various circumstances. I don't even own any more feminine clothes anymore because, well, to make a long story short, I had to get rid of them. It makes me feel wasteful of it, honestly. I feel like.. I don't deserve it. I know people in much different positions than me (be it they are older, socially but not medically transitioning, having parents who actually love them but aren't socially or medically transitiong, w/e) who absolutely deserve this medicine more than I do, yet somehow I'm the fcking idiot on it. I get there's "being stealth" and stuff but honestly.. I don't know. It just doesn't.. feel like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought Estrogen was going to help me deal with my dysphoria better or something, but honestly? In a weird, completely twisted way, I feel like its has barely changed anything -> even making it slightly worse? I want to be a woman so badly, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and in a sense I feel like I should be. Estrogen should be making me happier with myself. Estrogen should be helping me deal with my dysphoria better than it does atm. Instead, I feel like all this medicine going in my body is nothing but just placebo to me. It's supposed to make me feel like a woman more, but it doesn't. In my mind and in the mirror I still see a man taking some fucked up medication to mutilate himself, and I hate it. I don't like the feeling at all and I just want it to stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I guess my point with this post and all is how am I supposed to deal with these feelings? How do i stop feeling completely guilty about the opportunity I was given with my medication and how can I get myself to like myself more even in a situation I find myself in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sorry for being in a ramble again and ruining the mood the previous messages had. I hope everyone takes care of themselves.

Don't blame yourself for not being able to "properly" transition under your circumstances.
It's not your fault when it's not safe for you to socially transition yet. As long as you're dependant on your family, it's the right choice to be careful.
Remember to live a little tho. If you can hide clothes or makeup somewhere, absolutely do experiment with it.
Also E takes time. Since the changes happen gradually, you won't notice them right away unless you're looking for them

 

[Adeleine]

Hey all, Bella again. For those who don't know me, im a 17yr old tgirl living in most C+ / B- tier city in the nation (Colorado Springs). I wanted to post an update while also asking for advice. This will be in the style of my last "serious post" for the record, so sorry if it sounds like all of a ramble. Got a lot in my brain and just need to let it out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the time of writing this post, its now been just about 7 months since I started Estrogen (which, give or take, I have taken about 205 pills since then, since I've missed a few days) . I've decided to play it safe for the most part about it all. I've been on 2mg / 50mg for the entire time and don't plan on bumping up my dosage atm because of both my issues with paying for it and not wanting the effects to be that noticeable for the time being, since I still live in my extremely socially conservative evangelical household.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honestly, HRT has been a mixed experience for me. The first month and a half felt great, and I felt on top of the world, but since then I've kind of just felt, well I guess the term is meh? About it all..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TW: Discussion SH and ED (though in a positive light) for the next part.
On the one hand, Estrogen has been great for me in a few ways. The mental clarity for the first twoish months was great, and I have noticed some chest growth and slowing of body hair growth which is always nice. Its also helped me better handle my issues with SHing and my ED fairly well, and while I still struggle with both of those things its now a much less consistent thing for me. It feels good in that sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the other hand, Estrogen has had its downsides, which I feel like not a lot of people talk about, although I feel like this is because not a lot of people have the same experiences I have had in my life. In a sense, I feel both guilty being on E while also feeling like I am wasting the opportunity from it. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm wasting it. In all metrics but on the medical standpoint, I'm not transitioning. I can't socially transition safely yet. The lack of motivation to do barely anything anymore means I have basically near given up on even attempting to train my voice to sound even vaguely fem and not awful and masculine. I have exactly one (1) IRL connection in my life who I talk to often who knows Im trans, and even then I have not seen them in months due to various circumstances. I don't even own any more feminine clothes anymore because, well, to make a long story short, I had to get rid of them. It makes me feel wasteful of it, honestly. I feel like.. I don't deserve it. I know people in much different positions than me (be it they are older, socially but not medically transitioning, having parents who actually love them but aren't socially or medically transitiong, w/e) who absolutely deserve this medicine more than I do, yet somehow I'm the fcking idiot on it. I get there's "being stealth" and stuff but honestly.. I don't know. It just doesn't.. feel like that.

Hi! I'll give my perspective, which is one of multiple.

I understand where your feelings are coming from, I have had experience with similar feelings, and they are completely normal and expected, but a good starting base is that they are incorrect thoughts. You do deserve HRT, and you are already a woman. Of course, dealing with the feelings is not as simple as saying that, but understanding the truth rationally / surface-level can be helpful even before you fully internalize it.

Another good rational-logical starting point is that you did not ruin the mood at all. You used this space for its intended purpose with thoughtful and vulnerable perspective.

The fact that other people don't get access to Estrogen is not your fault. You deserve it because you are a trans girl. We all deserve to chase happiness, comfort, and self-realization, to live as our true selves and pursue our best lives. That other trans girls do not get Estrogen is a failing of society, not you.

Your impulse to sacrifice something so critical to you, just so someone else you don't know can have it, is rooted primarily in not valuing yourself enough and thinking you don't deserve it. Sacrificing and helping others can be great and healthy, but only when these actions are rooted in healthy views of yourself, others, and ideas. As you continue growing and learning and understand how to value yourself more, your impulse to change will change into a healthier form. Sacrifice rooted in self-diminishment just eats away at you and allows others to exploit you. Nobody and nothing is entitled to you eating away at yourself, to you destroying your heart, for its sake. Great sacrifice can be noble, but it must come freely, and not from obligation. Our lives and very selves are all more precious than that.

I plan to talk about your feelings of liking yourself more and doubting your womanhood in another post.

 

[Adeleine]

I thought Estrogen was going to help me deal with my dysphoria better or something, but honestly? In a weird, completely twisted way, I feel like its has barely changed anything -> even making it slightly worse? I want to be a woman so badly, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and in a sense I feel like I should be. Estrogen should be making me happier with myself. Estrogen should be helping me deal with my dysphoria better than it does atm. Instead, I feel like all this medicine going in my body is nothing but just placebo to me. It's supposed to make me feel like a woman more, but it doesn't. In my mind and in the mirror I still see a man taking some fucked up medication to mutilate himself, and I hate it. I don't like the feeling at all and I just want it to stop.

Your reaction is not weird at all.

Estrogen is a helpful tool to internalize and accept the truth – that you already were and are a girl. But it is just a tool, and only one tool. We need combinations of tools that meet our many wants and needs. I think Estrogen is part of your winning combinations, that you should keep taking it, and finding a good set of other tools alongside it will support it.

You're in the phase of life where you're learning what combinations of tools work for you. Your taking Estrogen has been part of this process. Alongside taking Estrogen, you can learn more about what other tools work well alongside it in your combinations.

I spent much of the past 5 years intensely searching for tools, and here is some of what I learned.

• Tools often feel most helpful a short while into their use, and less helpful after. It is empowering to discover a new dimension of yourself or solve a problem, but this high doesn't last forever. That is normal and healthy.
• Some tools are still useful, or have potential to be useful, after this high. These tools should stick around. Some tools were valuable in the moment of the high but won't be after, and these are OK to move on from. Both types of tool interactions are normal and healthy. It's good to both keep some tools stable and change other tools around.
• Different parts of ourselves often link into each other. Helping one part of ourself helps others. This isn't just physical-mental links, like diet, exercise, and outside time helping us clear up our mental world. Different mental dimensions often support each other - or strengthen each others' dysfunction.
• Searching for tools takes a lot of personal investment and a lot of time. Doing whatever you are internally motivated to do - even if it feels silly, or not enough - means a lot. After all, making progress in one area often helps another area. You get stronger over time.
• Healthy support of you, both from yourself and from other people, is helping your journey to becoming the person you want to be, not what other people are hoping you'll be.

Learning what combinations of tools work for you, and facing obstacles on the way, is not being an idiot. That's growing up. You don't have the answers because you're finding them now, and you can't have them before you've found them!

You're so young, and with so much potential. You're 10 years wiser than your 7 year old child self. There will come a time you're 10 years wiser than the you of today. And then 20. And then 30. And more and more and more.

 

[Violet]

Hey all, Bella again. For those who don't know me, im a 17yr old tgirl living in most C+ / B- tier city in the nation (Colorado Springs). I wanted to post an update while also asking for advice. This will be in the style of my last "serious post" for the record, so sorry if it sounds like all of a ramble. Got a lot in my brain and just need to let it out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the time of writing this post, its now been just about 7 months since I started Estrogen (which, give or take, I have taken about 205 pills since then, since I've missed a few days) . I've decided to play it safe for the most part about it all. I've been on 2mg / 50mg for the entire time and don't plan on bumping up my dosage atm because of both my issues with paying for it and not wanting the effects to be that noticeable for the time being, since I still live in my extremely socially conservative evangelical household.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honestly, HRT has been a mixed experience for me. The first month and a half felt great, and I felt on top of the world, but since then I've kind of just felt, well I guess the term is meh? About it all..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TW: Discussion SH and ED (though in a positive light) for the next part.
On the one hand, Estrogen has been great for me in a few ways. The mental clarity for the first twoish months was great, and I have noticed some chest growth and slowing of body hair growth which is always nice. Its also helped me better handle my issues with SHing and my ED fairly well, and while I still struggle with both of those things its now a much less consistent thing for me. It feels good in that sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the other hand, Estrogen has had its downsides, which I feel like not a lot of people talk about, although I feel like this is because not a lot of people have the same experiences I have had in my life. In a sense, I feel both guilty being on E while also feeling like I am wasting the opportunity from it. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm wasting it. In all metrics but on the medical standpoint, I'm not transitioning. I can't socially transition safely yet. The lack of motivation to do barely anything anymore means I have basically near given up on even attempting to train my voice to sound even vaguely fem and not awful and masculine. I have exactly one (1) IRL connection in my life who I talk to often who knows Im trans, and even then I have not seen them in months due to various circumstances. I don't even own any more feminine clothes anymore because, well, to make a long story short, I had to get rid of them. It makes me feel wasteful of it, honestly. I feel like.. I don't deserve it. I know people in much different positions than me (be it they are older, socially but not medically transitioning, having parents who actually love them but aren't socially or medically transitiong, w/e) who absolutely deserve this medicine more than I do, yet somehow I'm the fcking idiot on it. I get there's "being stealth" and stuff but honestly.. I don't know. It just doesn't.. feel like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought Estrogen was going to help me deal with my dysphoria better or something, but honestly? In a weird, completely twisted way, I feel like its has barely changed anything -> even making it slightly worse? I want to be a woman so badly, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and in a sense I feel like I should be. Estrogen should be making me happier with myself. Estrogen should be helping me deal with my dysphoria better than it does atm. Instead, I feel like all this medicine going in my body is nothing but just placebo to me. It's supposed to make me feel like a woman more, but it doesn't. In my mind and in the mirror I still see a man taking some fucked up medication to mutilate himself, and I hate it. I don't like the feeling at all and I just want it to stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I guess my point with this post and all is how am I supposed to deal with these feelings? How do i stop feeling completely guilty about the opportunity I was given with my medication and how can I get myself to like myself more even in a situation I find myself in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sorry for being in a ramble again and ruining the mood the previous messages had. I hope everyone takes care of themselves.

many people have said good and thoughtful things both here and to your previous post so i dont have a ton of input but

yeah E takes time. but really, you probably wont notice a lot of changes even if you ARE looking for them. everyone is impatient with their own progress, it came free with the dysphoria - odds are other people may notice changes better than you. ofc perfectly normal to be frustrated about it, but as mentioned above, your self perception is intrinsically warped. you could live in lib city with rich gay parents with all your friends in fifteen polycules and start to transition at 12 or whatever the fuck and you would still deserve it. its not about circumstances being greater or lesser, seeking out the things you need isnt playing into some imaginary zero sum game. you are being productively proactive about your transition, which is good! anyway, very happy for all the girlies who rave about HRT like its magical fairy dust, but the reality HRT is not a panacea even if youre juiced to the max and physically transitioning for most of us is a slow hot mess. work and save to get the hell out, grind to get a scholarship, exercise, take care of your diet, seek out safe spaces in your city, tap into gender neutral clothing, find more queer people to talk to online, play the deranged horse gacha game that every trans person except for me seems to be on, anything you can manage to make it a little less miserable is worth it. if being trans has done anything for me its at least given me something to work towards. just remember to zoom out and look at the big picture sometimes

 

[Style_Dota]

Hey all, Bella again. For those who don't know me, im a 17yr old tgirl living in most C+ / B- tier city in the nation (Colorado Springs). I wanted to post an update while also asking for advice. This will be in the style of my last "serious post" for the record, so sorry if it sounds like all of a ramble. Got a lot in my brain and just need to let it out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the time of writing this post, its now been just about 7 months since I started Estrogen (which, give or take, I have taken about 205 pills since then, since I've missed a few days) . I've decided to play it safe for the most part about it all. I've been on 2mg / 50mg for the entire time and don't plan on bumping up my dosage atm because of both my issues with paying for it and not wanting the effects to be that noticeable for the time being, since I still live in my extremely socially conservative evangelical household.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honestly, HRT has been a mixed experience for me. The first month and a half felt great, and I felt on top of the world, but since then I've kind of just felt, well I guess the term is meh? About it all..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TW: Discussion SH and ED (though in a positive light) for the next part.
On the one hand, Estrogen has been great for me in a few ways. The mental clarity for the first twoish months was great, and I have noticed some chest growth and slowing of body hair growth which is always nice. Its also helped me better handle my issues with SHing and my ED fairly well, and while I still struggle with both of those things its now a much less consistent thing for me. It feels good in that sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the other hand, Estrogen has had its downsides, which I feel like not a lot of people talk about, although I feel like this is because not a lot of people have the same experiences I have had in my life. In a sense, I feel both guilty being on E while also feeling like I am wasting the opportunity from it. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm wasting it. In all metrics but on the medical standpoint, I'm not transitioning. I can't socially transition safely yet. The lack of motivation to do barely anything anymore means I have basically near given up on even attempting to train my voice to sound even vaguely fem and not awful and masculine. I have exactly one (1) IRL connection in my life who I talk to often who knows Im trans, and even then I have not seen them in months due to various circumstances. I don't even own any more feminine clothes anymore because, well, to make a long story short, I had to get rid of them. It makes me feel wasteful of it, honestly. I feel like.. I don't deserve it. I know people in much different positions than me (be it they are older, socially but not medically transitioning, having parents who actually love them but aren't socially or medically transitiong, w/e) who absolutely deserve this medicine more than I do, yet somehow I'm the fcking idiot on it. I get there's "being stealth" and stuff but honestly.. I don't know. It just doesn't.. feel like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought Estrogen was going to help me deal with my dysphoria better or something, but honestly? In a weird, completely twisted way, I feel like its has barely changed anything -> even making it slightly worse? I want to be a woman so badly, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and in a sense I feel like I should be. Estrogen should be making me happier with myself. Estrogen should be helping me deal with my dysphoria better than it does atm. Instead, I feel like all this medicine going in my body is nothing but just placebo to me. It's supposed to make me feel like a woman more, but it doesn't. In my mind and in the mirror I still see a man taking some fucked up medication to mutilate himself, and I hate it. I don't like the feeling at all and I just want it to stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I guess my point with this post and all is how am I supposed to deal with these feelings? How do i stop feeling completely guilty about the opportunity I was given with my medication and how can I get myself to like myself more even in a situation I find myself in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sorry for being in a ramble again and ruining the mood the previous messages had. I hope everyone takes care of themselves.

Most changes don’t happen until you’re in year 2-3, and even then, they happen so gradually that you might not be noticing it at that point in time. There are also lots of other factors that come into play with how hormones affect your body. I didn’t notice any changes until I was a year on hormones, and I was on a higher dosage than you. This is a marathon, and you have to be willing to do the long run to see the changes.

 

[pqs]

hope you all are having a good summer! that guy clearly wasn’t. anyways, here’s a pic of me and bae:

Spoiler

i came out as gay to my mom the other day so that's pretty awesome :)