Howdy i trust this missive finds you in a state of temporal equilibrium, or at least not irrevocably entangled in the paradox of conflicting availabilities. As a denizen of the GMT-5 continuum (currently subjected to the arcane whims of "Daylight Saving," which I neither consented to nor fully comprehend), I have embarked upon the perilous quest of aligning our respective timelines for the proposed [match/game/meeting].Given the nonlinear nature of our shared temporal predicament, I have devised a series of hypothetical availability vectors—though their feasibility remains contingent upon your own chrono-configuration. For the sake of thorough confusion, I shall focus exclusively on the weekend temporal brackets, as weekdays are a societal construct I no longer recognize.
Phase 1: The Weekend Morning Conundrum (A Study in Ambiguity)My Local Temporal Node (GMT-5):Saturday/Sunday, "Morning-Adjacent" Window: Anywhere between 11:17 AM and "when the coffee achieves sentience."Note: This is not a strict boundary. "Morning" is a fluid concept, much like your commitment to responding to this email.Your Corresponding Temporal Aberration (GMT[±X]):If you exist in a GMT+3 reality, this translates to a perplexing 6:17 PM – [Redacted], which may or may not overlap with your "evening existential crisis" period.If you dwell in GMT-8, you will experience this as 8:17 AM – [Whenever the seagulls start screaming], a time zone I refer to as "Too Early for Sanity."Critical Question: Do you even have mornings? Or do you, like me, simply wake up at a time that would make a Victorian widow faint?
Phase 2: The Weekend Nightmare (Nighttime Edition)My So-Called "Night" (GMT-5):Saturday/Sunday, "Post-Sunset but Pre-Despair" Window: 8:42 PM – 11:59 PM (or until I succumb to the void).Clarification: "Night" is defined as "after the sun has set but before I start questioning all my life choices."Your Temporal Counterpart (GMT[±X]):If you are cursed with GMT+12, this becomes 1:42 PM – 4:59 PM the next day, effectively forcing you to time-travel just to attend.If you are blessed with GMT-3, this collapses into a neat 9:42 PM – 12:59 AM, assuming you haven’t already dissolved into a puddle of existential dread.Follow-Up Inquiry: Does your version of "night" involve actual sleep, or do you, like me, simply power down for 20 minutes and reboot with questionable functionality?
Phase 3: The Paradox of Mutual AvailabilityGiven the chaotic interplay of our chrono-displacement, I propose the following non-binding resolution attempts:The "We Both Set 17 Alarms" Method:We agree on a time, then each set an absurd number of alarms to account for time zone drift, gravitational waves, and personal forgetfulness.The "Chess.com/Time Zone Roulette" Approach:We spin a virtual wheel of time zones and let fate decide when we play. Consequences include one of us playing at 3 AM while the other sips tea at a reasonable hour.
The "Pretend We’re Both on GMT-5" Gambit:We ignore your time zone entirely and you just deal with it. (This is my preferred option.)
Final Request:If you have somehow deciphered this missive and retained even a shred of sanity, please respond with:Your approximate temporal coordinates (e.g., "I am in GMT+5.5, which is a real thing apparently").A vague indication of when you are "awake and/or coherent."Any religious, philosophical, or dietary restrictions that might affect scheduling (e.g., "I cannot play during the Hour of the Wolf" or "I am unavailable during taco night").Alternatively, if this message has caused you physical pain, we can default to Sunday 11:00 AM GMT-5 and hope for the best.
Yours in chronological genius
Masher
P.S. If you do not respond within 2- 3 business days, I will assume you have transcended time altogether and will proceed to claim act win (edited)