Albatros's Food Review Thread (Bird reviews Food) (SFW)

[Albatross]

Yo yo yo what is up my f words (fellas) welcome to my thread, population me. Today I'm going to be force feeding you my opinions again against your will
Do you get it? Because force feeding is a food thing. That's funny right????

I like a bit of scran. I'm quirky like that. Not like other girls, y'know? Really sets me apart from the pack. Or would that be flock? Because I am bird? Fuck it I'm going with pack, because I'm an Alpha. An Alpha Female. Actually no that doesn't have the same ring as Alpha Male... Falpha Female? Anyways that's not important. What is important is that I'm ahead of the curve. The gal in charge. The Big Cheese, to keep in theme with the thread. And so my opinion is far more important than everyone else's and you should all think exactly the same way as me. Like a hivemind, but I'm in charge of it

So to better help you all assimilate into my singularity I have created this thread, so that you might perfectly copy my opinions. To this end I have elected to go into incredibly precise detail regarding each food I have elected to review

Four Cheese Pizza

​

WTF (What The Fuck) where did they get all those cheeses from?? Cows can't make that much cheese! There's like, at least two cheeses!! Maybe even three!!! Wow!!!! What a crazy world we live in.

Four chees'd pizzas are composed of pizza dough base, liquid tomateo, and four cheeses. Any other toppings are an affront to God and the perpetrators of such an atrocious crime should be hung, drawn and quartered in the streets to set an example. Also anyone who makes this pizza without the tomeoto base will be shot in the streets as a warning

Anyways I am a big cheese fan; I will often eat lumps of blue cheese out of pure spite for the status quo, and because I have no impulse control, so this is a good pizza to me. For those of you who do not like four cheese pizzas, I recommend reading this very informative piece by Psychology Today and recognising that my opinion is more important than yours because I am a food critic and you are not​

Official Rating:
8/10
Critic's Notes:
I think Five Guys (the franchise, not five regular men) should create a five cheese pizza.
One cheese for every guy.
That would be cool I think

Toad in the Hole

​

Where is the toad? Where is the hole? This is just a limp pile of pastry with some meat baked into it. I'm not here for FRP (French Role Play) I am here to eat a good and honest meal and I believe that, if this meal were a human person, they would not be good and honest.

Then again, if they were a person I wouldn't want to eat them, so I guess that balances it out.

Official Rating
4/10
Critic's Notes:
See it's funny because there aren't actually any toads in the pudding. Or holes either
Really it's just a Yorkshire pudding with shit baked into it
This is why we mock the British, because they let shit like this happen
all the fucking time.
God I hate British people

Noodles

​

*jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair*
Those are some good noodles
​

Official Rating:
6/9
Critic's Notes:
Holy shit it took me fifteen minutes to find anime girl spaghetti art that wasn't extremely NSFW.
Seriously, they all had anime women with their genitalia exposed, which I obviously couldn't
use because of the SFW nature of this review. Goddamn what is it about
noodles that make people go "yes I want to look at naked
ladies?"

Raisin I Found on the Sidewalk

​

Ok so I was walking down the dusty streets of a village in the middle of rural Englesland when I happened upon a small, strangely shaped raisin. Being the curious fella I am I stopped walking and picked it up. Sure it smelt a little funny and sure it didn't look like a raisin and sure in hindsight I realise it was probably rabbit shit and I put it inside of my mouth I put rabbit shit inside my mouth holy shit, but you miss every chance you don't take and for rabbit shit, that was a surprisingly tasty raisin

Official Rating:
9/10
Critics Notes:
I think I have dysentery now

Cucumber

​

A foul, phallic entity. Who birthed you? Who raised you? What fiend has brought you upon this world? A filthy verminous beast of a vegetable, knowing i must share a space on this planet with such a decrepit makes me with I'd never been born

Actually no, no, lets stop the thread so i can talk about these dumb fucking vegeatables. Who okayed that design? Was it god? It better not had been god. No omnipotent being would dare make something so abhorrent. Agape more like A-fuck you humanity here's a rancid fucking penis vegetable. These stupid hoes are 95% water. 95%. Water. What the fuck kind of shiteating, assfucking, dickmongering vegetable is 95% water. Absolute lunacy this is. If a cucumber was a human person I'd shoot them in the fucking head. What a disgusting, cretinous excuse for a vegetable
​

Official Rating:
2/10
Critic's Notes:
I fucking hate cucumber so much. Stupid idiot asshole vegetable.
Why can't you be a nice, acceptable vegetable, like a courgette? Or a gherkin?
Or, perhaps, a pickle?

An Entire Swan

​

"Oh but Albatross, you can't eat an entire swan, feathers and beak included! They belong to the Queen and are protected and cannot be eaten!!" Yeah well fuck that crinkly old bitch, I woke up today and decided I was going to commit an act of high treason, and on god I am going to do it

Ok to be completely honest I've never actually eaten swan. Apparently it tastes like shit? I wouldn't know though. Honestly this is only here because I wanted to talk about how much I hate the Queen (of England). What a nasty piece of work, Queen Liz is a right fucking wanker I swear. Also if any Smogoffers who frequent Buckingham Palace notice an albatross's head atop a pike on the front gates by tomorrow, then I grant you full permission to steal it and use it for all your SFW needs

Official Rating:
0/10
Critic's Notes:
I don't know what to write here
so please close your eyes and imagine
I've written something really, really
funny, thanks xoxo

In Conclusion (My Closing Thoughts)
((Note for future Albatross: remember to write a conclusion before posting this, otherwise you'll make yourself look like a silly billy)​

 

[cookie]

typical american taking things too literally

well no fucking shit sherlock it's not an actual toad in the hole, this is why the FDA had to ban kinder eggs

 

[xzern]

can you review kinder eggs. watch out though

 

[monkfish]

to challenge the misconception that British food is in some way bad, i think you should review some dishes from this website http://british-food-generator.herokuapp.com/

 

[Albatross]

I'll review kinder eggs when hell freezes over, no thank you satan i'm not choking on no dollar store toy any time soon. Americans were right to ban them, I much prefer my children eat good honest American-made bullets fired straight from my ark-16 semi automatic glock, just the way god intented

 

[Mace]

what did you say about cucumbers?

 

[LordThemberchaud]

i'd eat a whole swan

 

[Kiwi]

How do you rate the taste of albatross? Would you recommend

 

[Ivy]

I hate that I know that spaghettified image is of Lucoa

 

[Albatross]

How do you rate the taste of albatross? Would you recommend

Albatross

Cannibalism isn't cool kids, unless I do it, in which case it's based and redpilled and everyone should do it

Anyways albatross tastes like fish and 10 years in jail, neither of which are particularly tasty imo. But if you're into that then you do you ig, just don't come brandishing a carving knife around me or I might have to go Evil again

Official Rating:
1/10
Critic's Notes:
Ladies if you're interested I am both
single and available my number is (718) 204-9707
please i am so lonely​

 

[Albatross]

Due to a lack of creative integrity I have elected to steal M(onk) F(ish)'s idea and claim it as my own

Random Bri'ish Meal

​

You bastards, you fools, you shiteating buffoons, you thought you could trick me but you thought wrong. This is not a Custard Hole in Gravy - this isn't Custard Hole in Gravy at all! This is a Toad in the Hole! The classic British dish server since the medieval times I think! Yeah nice try Liberals, but you won't catch me out that easily
​

Official Rating:
-2/10
Critic's Notes:
Piracy is no party fellas,
say no to drugs and say no to
pirating content.
Especially British cuisine content
​

Perhaps in the morrow I shall resume my food reviewing? Ah, but who knows; I might just as equally be struck down by a bolt of lightning or shot to death by a firing squad after my long years of being on the run have finally caught up to me. The future, dear esteemed Smogonlites, is uncertain. But rest assured that I shall do whatever it takes to write out another long winded, pointless spiel about whatever food items I happen to be thinking of at the time and present it to You, the People

Adieu, Smogoff. Until next time, adieu

 

[zxgzxg]

What the fuck kind of shiteating, assfucking, dickmongering vegetable is 95% water.

wait till you hear about lettuce. or celery. or bok choy. or really most vegetables cuz when u water vegetables guess where all the water goes.

 

[cusalgado33]

Review brazilian pizzas, please

 

[shadowpea]

review beesechurgers