Dealing with cancer

akuchi

akuchi

I'll update this with more information when we get some, but basically my boyfriend's just been diagnosed with early-stage oral cancer. He got the biopsy back this morning and has an urgent meeting with a radiologist this afternoon.

What I want to know is - if any of you have had experience with anything comparable (either with terminal illness in loved ones or serious illness yourselves) how exactly do you deal with it? I don't cope with stress that well anyway - having clinical depression and an anxiety disorder - but this has completely blown me out of the water. I got the news at 12pm this afternoon and have not been able to do any schoolwork since - I'm supposed to be doing a politics research essay but I can't think of anything else. I can't even watch television. I can't do anything, I feel shiftless and have the need to keep doing different things, without being involved with any of them.

Not only does he not know if he wants to continue our relationship - he's taken this pretty hard - but a quick Google informs me the mortality rate is anything from 50% to 90%, which is pretty fucking high. It's unclear at the moment what stage the cancer is at, but it's not too early as there is a clear lump in his mouth (meaning it's at least stage one out of nine, from what I can tell).

A complicating factor - as if one was needed - is the fact that I'm a good distance away from him, some 80 miles, he doesn't have a car the vast majority of the time and I don't drive. In addition to this, staying over at each other's houses is impossible as our parents can't stand each other (my stepfather hates him for being welsh and ten years older, his parents hate me because being with me ruined his career).

So, yeah. If any of you have dealt with serious illness either yourselves or your friends/family I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences - I know he is the one that needs my support but any advice on how to cope myself in order to do that would be massively appreciated. Thank you.

p.s. lexite if you show up in this thread saying he deserves it because he's a 'worthless socialist bastard' I'm going to fucking kill you, just a heads up :)
 
akuchi, I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend.

What you are doing right now is a way to cope with all this: talking about it with others. My grandfather had gotten a serious stroke when I was younger. I was old enough to understand what was going on. My mother had explained to me what was happening and what was going to happen (he did not get out of his coma sadly). It did affect me deeply, but I knew keeping it to myself wasn't the best idea (at least for me, some people are different).

My little brother always kept asking "when is granddad going to wake up?". It broke my heart to tell him the truth, but I knew that was the best thing to do.

I don't know what else to tell you, but talking about is a big step in the right directions.

My wishes to you and your boyfriend.
 
Cancer is common in my family. So far, I know that six of my close relatives have suffered from cancer. Out of those six, three have died because of it. It's also quite likely that my mother will get cancer in the following 10 to 15 years. Currently I have a close relative who's taking turns in being in the hospital and not being there.

I also over-think stuff a lot. When my mind is concentrated on one thing that troubles me, I can't do anything else. It's like my whole body circles around the unpleasant thought to feast on it. Whatever the case may be, I haven't really found a solution to clear my mind out of those thoughts. Doing something else doesn't work when you can't do anything else, right?

It's a totally different thing when a grandparent gets cancer and when a person your age gets cancer. That's why I'll spare you from my grandfather/mother stories. I had a friend, a girl, whose boyfriend got a hazardous brain tumor a year ago. They had been together for quite a while and this friend of mine was in a shock. She barely spoke to anyone and just generally kept to herself. That wasn't a good decision. So, my most important advice to you is that you go and find a person you can talk to about your feelings. Your boyfriend might not work in this case because his own feelings could be a bit too strong. Meaning that it's hard to sympathize when your own problems are bigger than the person's you're listening to.

Also, if you're a smoker, see if you can smoke while thinking about the issue. I used to smoke and I found it quite nice to just think about the situation while being able to do something. I didn't give a fuck that it was unhealthy. It was just something I managed to do properly - sort of a self-therapy session. If you're not a smoker, don't start smoking because of this. It's just additional stress on your shoulders if start becoming addicted to smoking.

Hope you two make it through this obstacle.
 
Cancer within a close group of friends is extremely hard. It's not like you didn't already know that, but I know that it always helped me to find out all of the facts when my little cousin was diagnosed with leukemia at age 8.

I know it sounds like hell, but waiting for all of the information you can is about all you can do at the moment. I'd suggest finding a way to communicate with your boyfriend nearly every time you can, and in person as often as possible.

Talk to your friends about it, and form a support group. The anxiety about the posssibilities cannot be erased, but friends can help divert you from the actual reality of it.

Simply put, surround yourself with as many loved ones as possible and always keep your mood high. As soon as you start focusing on the negatives, you'll spiral down in to a deeper depression.

That helped me recover from the depression my cousin's cancer caused, and has helped keep me positive since then. I hope everything turns out well for you and your boyfriend.
 
yeah, I'm a smoker, and I do find it helps a lot - but it's likely his mouth cancer was caused by his smoking, so he's had to give up and I've offered to quit with him. a lot of the pleasure has gone out of it, really, knowing what I do now; I'm not concerned about my own health (if I was I wouldn't have started in the first place) but it just reminds me of the situation he's in.

unfortunately, I can't talk to many people about it IRL, as it's a complicated situation but basically he was my college lecturer, hence the ruining of his career and my education when we got found out - I can't talk to anyone at college about it really as he's expressly asked me not to (and I don't blame him; some of the things that have been said about him since he left are, from what I hear, revolting.)

it's all a big mess. I have disregarded his instructions somewhat and asked my lovely tutor from college to give me a ring tonight; her own husband died at 31 from mouth cancer so I'm hoping she can tell me what I need to do from here.
thanks everyone. :)
 
Little background first.
I had cancer from the age of 12 until I was 14 and I nearly died. At one point, I was almost certain that my death was sealed. Last year I lost both my eight year brother and my mother to the same cancer (although they both had a different kind) within a 6 month period. Those events aren't something I coped with. I just held myself together by mental will and let time take hold.

I'll be perfectly honest. There really is nothing you can do to cope with the effects of it. Most people will tell you phony methods of coping and I don't believe they really work. All I can suggest to you is, trite as it may be, just hope. Despite every statistical evidence, never let down hope. There is always the possibility that someone (or even yourself) will be the exception. That is the only thing that got me through my own cancer episodes. After someone dies, coping is completely different so I won't get into that.

Talking a lot is helpful. Talking to each other about the illness, the effects, etc. Try to talk about light things as well rather than just concentrating on the disease.

I don't have much to say since you can't cope with that situation. It's an unfortunate thing, but something I honestly believe.

Wish your and your boyfriend the best of luck.
 
I have this tumbor of some kind on my leg I read up on it and it's most likely a non-cancerous fatty build-up called a Lipoma, but on the other side it can be a very dangerous Skin Cancer though not probable as it's on my inner thigh were no sun shines, and I'm dark so it's even lower risk.

My mom's friend however died of breast cancer when I was in the fourth and it was rough time for her, on top of that she left 2 children behind oorphaned as the father is non-involvent.

My grandfather died of a Heart Attack caused by Heart cancer before I was even born and while my father was young so I have never had a real grandfather, my great grandfather died a few years back, and my mom's father is dunno, never heard of him.

My Uncle atm is dealing with a type of cancer just recently, and he has two sons of his own, and My aunt had brain cancer at one point in her life.

I wanna say it's good that I've never gone through any tramatic incidents, but when the times comes, when one of my grandmas I dont know how I will handle it, because no one ever close to me has died, I sympathize with you and wish you the best.

When I hear of bad things I try not to think about it though never speak of it, just treat the person like there as normal as me.
 
Sorry for your bf...
I never knew anyone with cancer, but I'm an athlete, and Lance Armstrong was always an idol of mine. For those who don't know, he had testicle cancer. He beat it and became the legend we all know now. And I believe, as caelum said, menthal strenght is the single most important factor. Quoting for my sig: Never give up. NEVER.
 
For what it's worth, my grandma has beaten three kinds of cancer (breast, colon, and breast again), and my grandpa has survived one so far (prostate).
 
My Grandfather, Grandmother and uncle all had a form of cancer when I was young, as well as one of my best mates who's currently battling lung cancer. It's a very emotional subject for many people, mainly because it's a person that we know so well, and they're suffering. You want to help, but quite honestly there is little you can do. I am going into pre med at my city's University next year, where I'm going to study to be an Oncologist, so please allow me to offer some medical advice.

A stage one cancer, Akuchi, is relitively easy to beat, but the definition of "easy" is difficult to make out. From what you have mentioned, he's likely in stage 2 (T2, N0, M0), so a tumor resection would be evident in his situation. This just means that the tumor will have to be surgically removed alongside some of his oral tissue, to be on the safe side. Then he will likely have to undergo radiation therapy. It's my personal opinion based on all the cancer studies I've done that if he recieves swift treatment (good job so far), the cancer won't spread to anywhere worse, like the lymph nodes for example. Quitting Smoking is something you have to do, since it's vital that you remove the irritant, or cause of the cancer. Don't buy into any of those shitty herbal remedies, trust your doctor/dentist for advice.
All in all, it's going to be a long trip, but he will be okay. The best thing you can do is help him with his daily needs, since he's going to be under a lot of stress and is going to feel constantly sick. The thing that I have to say is, despite how hard it may be to accept, is "It's not you who has cancer, suck it up." You are the one who has to be tough in front of him, showing sympathy will not fucking help. He needs physical support, not so much mental support. He needs you help with his daily tasks, that's what will help the most. All the time I spent in Palliative care with cancer patients lets me personally know that these people are already sympathetic for themselves; they don't need another person to do it for them. It's common knowledge, but so many people don't get it...

Treat him like he does not have cancer, but don't ignore it altogether. Don't be asking "do you feel better?" I've seen some med students do that at the hospital, and patients have ended up bursting out in tears because of it. Because no, they don't fucking feel better. They have cancer.
 
he came online to tell me what's going on - radiology - and it just descended into an argument. I feel so fucking useless I'm so frustrated and angry I'm sat here in tears. it's shit. I'm really not dealing with this too well.
 
My dad died from cancer ten years, ago, it was difficult but

Caelum said:
aren't something I coped with. I just held myself together by mental will and let time take hold.
Click to expand...

I did this, so it wasn't overly hard, especially as time went on. I don't really let myself think about it too much.

I know what your situation is like Akuchi, and I'm sorry. Wish your boyfriend luck.
 
I have known many people with different variations of cancer, but there are two people that are/were very close to me that I know who have had the disease at some point. Hopefully you can gain something from their "stories".

The first was my friend Jesse, who I lost a few months ago when he was only 16. At first I felt as though it wasn't fair, that he missed out on too much, why him?, etc. However, after a short while with him gone, I realized the best way to "cope" with this is to remember the good times and memories I had with him, which I will admit, is easier said than done. If the worst were to happen, would your boyfriend want you to be depressed that he was gone? I doubt it, so my best advice I guess I can give is to "make him proud" by remembering him in a very positive way... but that is only if the worst is to happen. Remember that hasn't happened yet. There is still a long road ahead that you both should be prepared for mentally. Never doubt that you CAN in fact win this battle!

The second was my dad, who was diagnosed with cancer when I was only in 5th grade. He thankfully beat it, and is now cancer free. As much as this sounds like a dumb cliche, don't give up.

I hope some of this makes sense...

My thoughts and prayers are with both of you. Good luck.
 
My dad was diagnosed with a grade II astrocytoma: a brain tumor. This is one of the lower grades (they go from I to IV), which would normally mean he would have a high chance of survival. However, due to its location in the brain, it cannot be fully removed. His current prognosis is 5-7 years. In those patients that do not have their tumor resected, the survival rate past 7 years is something like 10-20%.

There really isn't anything you can do other than keep living your life. My dad is back in the hospital right now, but hopefully he'll be out in time to go to the inauguration (he has seated tickets!).
 
Caelum and Obi's posts are probably the best 'advice' here, if you can call it that. There's honestly not much at all you can do, obviously not to prevent it anyway. My friend's mum had cancer, and she did die last year. All you can do is, as Caelum said, keep up hope. There's always a chance, no matter how slim, and you have to remembering that.

The best thing to do is enjoy life, take their, and your own mind off it as much as possible; no matter how difficult it is. That's what I did with my friend, while he wasn't the one with cancer, he was only 16 and obviously wouldn't be able to cope very well with losing his mother (though it's not as if the age makes much difference in this situation anyway).

Keep up hope, I'm really sorry to hear about this, good luck.

xXx
 
It sucks that you can't really talk to anyone in real life but doing it online it just as good I suppose, except we cannot hug you.

First and foremost, do not pity him. The last thing one with a potentially fatal disease needs is pity. It makes it look like he already lost it, which is not true. It is not over until it is over, he is alive and when there is life there is hope (ok that sounded as if he was nearly losing but it holds true nonetheless).

Let him know you're there, even if you can't be physically together. To quote Olie, treat him as though he did not have cancer.

And remember, if not anyone else, we are here for you.
 
The only moment you're allowed to cry is when it's all over.

Best of "lucks", akuchi.Hope it will be a minor thing.
 
Havak said:
Caelum and Obi's posts are probably the best 'advice' here, if you can call it that. There's honestly not much at all you can do, obviously not to prevent it anyway. My friend's mum had cancer, and she did die last year. All you can do is, as Caelum said, keep up hope. There's always a chance, no matter how slim, and you have to remembering that.

The best thing to do is enjoy life, take their, and your own mind off it as much as possible; no matter how difficult it is. That's what I did with my friend, while he wasn't the one with cancer, he was only 16 and obviously wouldn't be able to cope very well with losing his mother (though it's not as if the age makes much difference in this situation anyway).

Keep up hope, I'm really sorry to hear about this, good luck.

xXx
Click to expand...

I don't really think there is a 'best' way to deal with things as people like me tend to treat them as normal, other's try to coddle, other ignore; and different people accept different treatment in different ways.

The most logical way to go about it is simply to ask him how do you want you and he to handle this.
 
oh man, akuchi, does your misery never end :(

I have nothing except good thoughts (cancer is such a terrible, terrible thing) but I hope you can find some wisdom and solace in the words of the Invisible Pink Unicorn. Her Pinkness shall guide you through these dark times. Peace be unto her, and you.
 
reminds me of a line from a manics song 'all the sadness, never goes away..'

but it's not all bad news. I've got into my chosen university (Cardiff) I got into a better uni (Manchester) but Cardiff's quite near the boy so I'm completely relieved and over the moon to get into it.

He can't have it surgically removed (because it would take out half his face.. the problem with oral cancer apparently) but he's going into hospital this week for two weeks of radiotherapy, which should help. Hopefully it hasn't metastized, I don't think he's willing to talk to his doctor about the other problems he's been having which I've read could be related to cancer of other organs (bladder, stomach) but that's his choice and I guess if it had the doctors would know, I honestly don't know anything about it. Beyond that he doesn't really know because he wasn't listening to the doctor - he just shut down when he was having his appointment with the consultant. I don't blame him, he's gone through a hell of a lot in the last three months (lost his job, his car, his friends and his home) and this on top of everything else is just fucking ridiculous.

I'm still not in the right frame of mind to work (or do anything at all) but I feel a lot more positive about it - though we'll know more after the initial treatment. It does sound like they caught it fairly early though. :)
 
Catching it early means there is a much higher chance of survival then usual, with my friend, their lung cancer wasn't detected until it was too late :(.

I haven't read any of the above posts so I don't know if I'm repeating advice or not, but continue to live your life. Maybe make it so that you can see him more often then usual, but just have fun. Use the Cancer as an opportunity to do stuff with your boyfriend you've always wanted to do, but always found a reason not to. Go for a holiday to an exotic place together, go skydiving, whatever floats your boat. If it is the worst case scenario and he does pass away, at least you can say that your last moments with him were special and memorable. If he does survive, well not only do you have special memories that will last a lifetime but he will be there to share in those memories. If you worry and don't life your life with him and he does pass on, think of the regret you'll have when you sat about with him worrying instead of going out together and having fun.

To finish this post, I'll tell you a true story. The dad of my brother's childhood best friend had cancer, and had it bad. They detected it late, and eventually he was given a 0 % chance of survival, with maybe two weeks to live max. He had a positive outlook on life, and spent quality time with his family, got lots of fresh air, relaxed and had fun. Soon those 2 weeks extended to 3, and then 4, until due to some unheard of miracle, the cancer had simply disappeared. He was prepared to live his life regardless, and later told me that those were two of the best weeks of his life. Take heart in the fact that it was found early, and hopefully take heed of my advice, cause I know this from experience.
 
I'll admit i probably have no idea how you feel since i never had to go through anything like this but i do have an advice. I too get depressed pretty often (some of my friends used to call me an emo... =\) because of various problems, but whatever my problems are and no matter how bad i feel, i almost always resort to music. I don't know if music has the same effects on all people, but it sure makes me feel a lot better. After spending some time listening to music i can have a clearer aspect of the situation and consider my options. Of course, there are problems which you can't do anything about but still music helps me. There are days i feel reaaally bad but music helps me get rid of all those mixed emotions that make me feel that way. Also, i can realise that not everything revolves around that particular problem and that there are probably people somewhere in the world who have to deal with worse problems. If it weren't for music i don't know what i would have done by now...

Anyway, to sum up, try and listen to music whenever you get the chance, doesn't have to be something specific; anything that makes you feel good. You can't do anything to improve the situation anyway so you might as well try to remain sane at least (and spend as much time with your bf as possible of course).

So yeah, hope everything turns out fine. Good luck. :)
 
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Let's get back on topic people.
 
Well Mekkah it's really one of those things where you have to sit it out to the bitter end :(
 
My foster mother is a breast cancer survivior. She actually seemed very strong throughout her ordeal, and she beat it. Since it was caught early on, and he has a good doctor and support system, I am sure he will be just fine.

My friend has a sister who got leukemia when she was younger. She went into remission, and then her brother was born six years later. They said there was less than 1% chance another kid was born with cancer, and the boy was diagnosed with brain cancer. They are both still alive and well, it's just a matter of how far the cancer has progressed, and how good the health care is.

He will be fine, I am sure of it. "Early stage" Is the best thing you can hear when someone is diagnosed with cancer.
 
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