Problem(s) with girlfriend

Echo

Okay, normally I wouldn't be posting any stuff related to my social life on the forum but I came to the realization that none of my actual could actually help with problems related to girlfriends. Not too many of them have been together with girls for too long as they don't generally take relationships too seriously. Besides, I feel comfortable sharing my issues with anonymously with people I don't know.

Anyways, to give you a bit of background, I've been (officially) together with my girlfriend for a couple of months after we had been seeing each other for a bit over a year. This means that the relationship is quite serious for me as I've never been the one to go through long relationships. Throughout our whole time of knowing each other she has been the one who has the opinion that matters. Basically whatever she says I should do/shouldn't do, I do/don't do it. This has been cool with me so far. I have no problem fitting for little necessities and needs into 'my schedule'. I've stayed up longer because of her than what's healthy for me and she made me give up smoking. These good/neutral things that she adds to my life are great.

She came over to my place on Friday (Sunday at the moment), and we had a blast. Yesterday we didn't see each other because we don't do it on a daily basis (yet), so to make up that lack of seeing each other I said that I could either phone her or talk on MSN with her. First, I waited for some hours in the day/afternoon for her to come to MSN and I text-messaged her to come to MSN. She didn't reply.

Okay, so I thought that she was busy or something and couldn't answer because of that, so I waited for an hour and called her. She answered and said that she had been sleeping till I called her. I asked her when she could come to MSN (my phone bill was a bit too high, and I wouldn't have been able to talk for long over the phone) and told her that I'd be with some friends later tonight.

It would be fair, in my opinion, that I could go out with friends whenever I wanted if she rather spends time sleeping than talking to me. But obviously I was wrong as she went all out on me for 'abandoning her again' and 'not caring about her the most'. I told her that I could talk to her for like three hours if she came to MSN but no, it was apparently not the same as talking to her for three hours in the evening.

She hangs up on me and I'm still like 'what the fuck' because apparently I'm not allowed to have other social life besides her while she can do anything she wants. So my question is, what should I do about this? Apologize and keep going on with the relationship in the same manner? (This would mean skipping the friends part tonight.) Or should I talk to her about this face to face and explain how I feel about this? (Risk of making her more angry, etc.)

Meh. :/
 
Well, after reading this several times over...

You need to talk to her. It's probably not the friends and you wanting to hang out with them tonight that's actually bothering her--with girls, the topic that she's complaining about is very rarely the sole cause for her irritation. It's lots of other things that build up, like a bad argument with parents, spilling food all over the place, nearly getting hit by someone at a stoplight, and then she takes it out on the straw that breaks her back (to sound cliche)...unless this has happened before where she has made you feel guilty for having a social life or guilty for doing anything that she doesn't think you should be doing (willing to exempt smoking from this because quitting is a good thing). Then it's a different kind of problem--a dominance issue, possessiveness (that's a lot of sssss's I don't think I'm spelling it right...). But either way, if you ignore it by apologizing and pretending nothing happened, it's just like planting a mine underground. Sooner or later you'll accidentally step on it and the relationship will blow up in your face.

There is the chance that I missed something, but talking is the best option.
 
I could probably just say bros before hoes and be done with it, but I feel like actually giving an opinion.
Blue ditto speaks wise words, talk to her about it unless you want this to bite you in the ass later on.
 
Okay, I'm pretty experienced with this sort of thing.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I've read, you seem to be a more passive type. Now, if that's the case, she may see herself as in control of the relationship. Now, don't take this in the wrong way. It's a completely normal thing that happens semi-subconciously in most relationships if one partner is either too passive or too aggressive. After all, relationships of all kinds are, fundamentally, power balances of sorts. A wise thing to do would be to step up slightly, and be assertive. Not in an asshole way, God no. That is a relationship killer. Being assertive, to the point where you are stating a firm position and refusing to budge shows your status as a man. However, you have to act as if, even if this isn't true, that although the relationship is important, that you are not afraid of losing it. That shows that you are confident enough in yourself. And if she really loves you, she will realize exactly how much she needs you and work with you. If she quickly leaves the relationship, that is a totally different set of problems, and shows that the whole thing wasn't that important to her at all, which means you shouldn't even grip if things go to hell. But from what I can see, this isn't the case. If you show a confident (not arrogant) assertive side, the balance will even out, and the relationship will be more of a partnership, which is what every man really wants from a serious relationship.
 
I see a lot of similarities with my relationship here with my girlfriend, and from my experiences SlimJim's response works best here. Definitely try to talk to her first, but if you can't get anything hidden out, then take your stance firmly and calmly- dominant girls like being dominated every once in a while, as dirty as that sounds :]
 
nardd said:
I see a lot of similarities with my relationship here with my girlfriend, and from my experiences SlimJim's response works best here. Definitely try to talk to her first, but if you can't get anything hidden out, then take your stance firmly and calmly- dominant girls like being dominated every once in a while, as dirty as that sounds :]
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....Oh they sure do >:3
 
I've had plenty of experience in this area now, and I for one must say I need my alone time more than the average person. My fiancé understands this, she's really down to earth and always tells me to put my friends before her. I tend to only see her maybe 2-3 times a week, since she's in college a lot and I haven't learned to drive yet. But to be honest, I prefer it that way, seeing too much of eachother can get to me on occasion.

Though I do have to say, don't let a girl run your life for you. Though it may not seem like it all of the time, your friends are more important than your girlfriend. Now, this bit isn't a dig at you or your girl, but recently my friend and his girlfriend split up. I hardly got to see him while they were together, since she ended up moving into his house and he never really came out at all. He gave up so much for her, and then she went and cheated on him. It just makes you think, is it worth neglecting you friends just for something like this to happen?

Anyway, just have words with her. I'm sure she'll understand if you just talk it over in person. Every now and then in a relationship you need a good solid chat about circumstances such as seeing friends, seeing too much/too little of eachother etc. It's healthy and common IMO. I'm sure everything will be fine.
 
I endorse and agree with everything said in this thread already, you've hit a goldmine of advice today! Especially what Blue Ditto said. If I hadn't just finished writing an 8 page paper I would offer you advice of my own, but just reread their advice ;) it's definitely good stuff.
 
First of all, I commend you for (judging from your description of the situation) being immensely patient with her.

Being guilty of that (i.e., randomly getting upset at my boyfriend for spending time with other people instead of me) occasionally myself (-_-;), I have this to say:

a) If this happens frequently in conjunction with her being overbearingly dominant in general, then you've got a problem.
b) If this happens only rarely, then it's really just us girls being well, unreasonably girl-ish.

Regardless of whether it's case a or case b, you should gently bring it up and talk to her about it. If it's case a, then you should really strive for more balance between the two of you (basically what every one else said above). If she starts to get fussy about giving up some of her power, then she's probably worth ditching. On the other hand, if it's case b, she'll probably realize that she was just being unreasonable at the time and will probably apologize if she's decent enough of a person.

Blue Ditto's suggestion of the incident sort of being the grain of rice that tips the scale is certainly a possibility as to why she was suddenly unreasonable and bitchy. But that aside, there really is no reason other than she probably just had a brief lapse of being possessive/clingy.
 
I've been with my girl friend for about 2 years now and I've experienced this plenty of times haha -_- All the advice offered so far has been great. I find just talking to my gf about this kind of stuff really helps, because sometimes she doesnt realise how some of the stuff she says comes across. Another thing it could be (also happened to me haha) is that she feels left out by you seeing your friends and not inviting her. Maybe her saying she feels 'abandoned' is a subtle hint that she would in fact like to join you. If you have been seeing each other seriously for 2 months and she hasn't met your friends yet you may as well invite her a long, that way she is happy and you get to see your friends :D
 
rokuta said:
...and show you the awesomeness that is dragonite
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I'm sorta out of words here...

Anyways, thanks for the (mostly) intelligent replies people. (:

We settled the mentioned argument over MSN later that night. I spent two hours, from 1am to 3am, talking to her about the subject. She has noticed what she's been doing by dominating our relationship and says that she can't help it that she's dominant and selfish when it comes to me. That sounds like laziness to my ears and that she doesn't even want to change the situation.
 
Guys this is Congregation, you do not reply here with a smilie after quoting and you try to make a minimum of sense.
 
oh dear christ the concept of 'asserting yourself as a man' is fucking laughable
if you want to end up single that's how I'd suggest you go about it

talk to her face to face. lay down some basic type ground rules that apply to both of you.
 
akuchi said:
oh dear christ the concept of 'asserting yourself as a man' is fucking laughable
if you want to end up single that's how I'd suggest you go about it

talk to her face to face. lay down some basic type ground rules that apply to both of you.
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But if I'm the one to lay down the rules, am I not 'asserting myself as a man'?

I can see where you're coming from by saying the concept laughable because why would I want to do the same thing she's doing - trying to be the dominant one in the relationship. Yet, somehow this asserting-thingy seems like something I should do to show that I actually have opinions too.
 
Echo said:
She hangs up on me and I'm still like 'what the fuck' because apparently I'm not allowed to have other social life besides her while she can do anything she wants. So my question is, what should I do about this? Apologize and keep going on with the relationship in the same manner? (This would mean skipping the friends part tonight.) Or should I talk to her about this face to face and explain how I feel about this? (Risk of making her more angry, etc.)

Meh. :/
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Man i am no expert and i don't claim to have the best opinion. But i believe she is used to you doing what she wants all the time, so when things don't go her way she gets mad at you.

About what you have to do, well is up to you, if you feel happy "apologizing" for something that wasn't wrong at all, then go for it. But you could have a serious talk with her and tell her about your need for social life out of this relationship. Is your right, if she really wants to be with you she has to understand!.Respect yourself, you shouldn't be afraid of her like "she will get mad at me".

(You don't have to be absolute when doing either of these).
 
well, at the risk of sounding like everyone else, im gonna ask if this is just a one time occurence or a re-occurring incedent. if its the latter, it might be time to rethink this relationship. however, if it is the former, you should try to talk to her face to face and explain to her that although she is your girlfriend, it doesnt mean that she can forbid you from seeing your friends, but that she gets first dibs on you, so if you are not doing anything with her, you should be able to go hang with other people.
thats my two cents. im not really an expert at this stuff though, so i may be completely wrong.
 
Echo said:
But if I'm the one to lay down the rules, am I not 'asserting myself as a man'?

I can see where you're coming from by saying the concept laughable because why would I want to do the same thing she's doing - trying to be the dominant one in the relationship. Yet, somehow this asserting-thingy seems like something I should do to show that I actually have opinions too.
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no, if you sort something out together that's fine. if you put your opinion forward that's also fine. asserting yourself is to an extent good.

the idea of asserting yourself 'as a man' is beyond stupid. it brings up the idea of you turning around and going "shut up, suck my cock and make my dinner, bitch"
 
akuchi said:
no, if you sort something out together that's fine. if you put your opinion forward that's also fine. asserting yourself is to an extent good.

the idea of asserting yourself 'as a man' is beyond stupid. it brings up the idea of you turning around and going "shut up, suck my cock and make my dinner, bitch"
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Yeah, I guess this 'asserting yourself as a man' -thing does have a little chauvinistic feeling to it.

kusaninja said:
well, at the risk of sounding like everyone else, im gonna ask if this is just a one time occurence or a re-occurring incedent.
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The latter, to be honest. And it's the only thing that's hindering our relationship of going where it should be going (to a much better direction, that is). I mean we have absolutely no other problems, barring our difference in terms of tallness, and I hate to see this thing happening.
 
Echo said:
Yeah, I guess this 'asserting yourself as a man' -thing does have a little chauvinistic feeling to it.



The latter, to be honest. And it's the only thing that's hindering our relationship of going where it should be going (to a much better direction, that is). I mean we have absolutely no other problems, barring our difference in terms of tallness, and I hate to see this thing happening.
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Probably won't care for my perspective but I have had the same issue as you and my general advice is:

Don't bother with them. They are generally a waste of time, people don't know themselves let alone other people and the general majority of "chicks" are so immature and unknowledgable (they have a fear of learning about things they don't like, or sometimes just a pure brickheadedness that prevents them from learning, at least, correctly the first time.) that they will resort to being petty, greedy, and down-right hurtful to get "their way". In any situation, no matter what it is for; And they have pretty basic needs. Excluding the emotional games they play (but deny) for fun, they basically only need cash and a dick.

So, in conclusion, a mans best bet is to IGNORE THEM ENTIRELY. When you find the one that is literally for you it will all just work and come together, not this puppy-love teenager BS that everyone has to go through before they learn the same vital lessons.

Keep to yourself. You have more fun, you save money and your sanity (or insanity, whichever), or whats left of it.

I have obviously been dashed beyond the point of believing "love" can be made or found, it just has to happen and both sides have to have the same kind of interest. If it is just physical attraction then it won't last long and won't have any flare what so ever. But I am not going to get into the "types and matches" of humans, my point is that its POINTLESS! If that works (point = pointless = no point?)...

The best thing you can do is break free of the chains (especially if someone commands the way you live, if you want to enhale a cancer stick, FEEL FREE TO DO SO, but never let some chick tell you what to do with your daily schedule, you tell HER what is going down, not the other way around. And of course this works for both sides randomly) and just enjoy life, your time today everday and never worry about anything other then NOW - you will live and be happy All the time. Most importantly, your encounters are just that, encounters, not tie downs and marriage!
 
TrainerSJ said:
Don't bother with them. They are generally a waste of time, people don't know themselves let alone other people and the general majority of "chicks" are so immature and unknowledgable (they have a fear of learning about things they don't like, or sometimes just a pure brickheadedness that prevents them from learning, at least, correctly the first time.) that they will resort to being petty, greedy, and down-right hurtful to get "their way". In any situation, no matter what it is for; And they have pretty basic needs. Excluding the emotional games they play (but deny) for fun, they basically only need cash and a dick.
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I play emotional games for fun (occasionally, not in this relationship though), I need cash and I also need to satisfy my 'needs'. Does that make me any better?

TrainerSJ said:
So, in conclusion, a mans best bet is to IGNORE THEM ENTIRELY. When you find the one that is literally for you it will all just work and come together, not this puppy-love teenager BS that everyone has to go through before they learn the same vital lessons.
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Trust me, if it alls works and comes together just like that, it's not a good relationship. Problems are needed in order to for the couple to make it through them together. They generally strengthen the relationship unless they completely destroy it. In my opinion, I've gone through a whole load of this 'teenager BS' of yours and I'm quite aware of what happens when you ignore someone completely. No, I didn't like the results.

TrainerSJ said:
Keep to yourself. You have more fun, you save money and your sanity (or insanity, whichever), or whats left of it.
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I quit up smoking because of my girlfriend = saved money. I drink less when I'm with my girlfriend = saved money. And those are technically the only things I spend my money on. (Yes, I save a lot.) Occasional goods that I purchase for her are nothing compared to what I spent when I smoked. I've also come to the conclusion that before this relationship, my sanity was at the level of becoming not-so-good as I've never been good at letting out my emotions.

TrainerSJ said:
The best thing you can do is break free of the chains (especially if someone commands the way you live, if you want to enhale a cancer stick, FEEL FREE TO DO SO, but never let some chick tell you what to do with your daily schedule, you tell HER what is going down, not the other way around. And of course this works for both sides randomly) and just enjoy life, your time today everday and never worry about anything other then NOW - you will live and be happy All the time. Most importantly, your encounters are just that, encounters, not tie downs and marriage!
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Happy = love, in my opinion and when I'm in love, I'm happy. Being happy all the time is generally not possible as no one can live in euphoria. I do what I can to be happy and I don't expect to be happy all the time. These kinds of problems need to be solved though as they get in between my happiness and me.

I definitely do care for your perspective here because different opinions are more than welcome. By replying to your post I managed to think through quite a few things.
 
Echo said:
Okay, normally I wouldn't be posting any stuff related to my social life on the forum but I came to the realization that none of my actual could actually help with problems related to girlfriends. Not too many of them have been together with girls for too long as they don't generally take relationships too seriously. Besides, I feel comfortable sharing my issues with anonymously with people I don't know.

Anyways, to give you a bit of background, I've been (officially) together with my girlfriend for a couple of months after we had been seeing each other for a bit over a year. This means that the relationship is quite serious for me as I've never been the one to go through long relationships. Throughout our whole time of knowing each other she has been the one who has the opinion that matters. Basically whatever she says I should do/shouldn't do, I do/don't do it. This has been cool with me so far. I have no problem fitting for little necessities and needs into 'my schedule'. I've stayed up longer because of her than what's healthy for me and she made me give up smoking. These good/neutral things that she adds to my life are great.

She came over to my place on Friday (Sunday at the moment), and we had a blast. Yesterday we didn't see each other because we don't do it on a daily basis (yet), so to make up that lack of seeing each other I said that I could either phone her or talk on MSN with her. First, I waited for some hours in the day/afternoon for her to come to MSN and I text-messaged her to come to MSN. She didn't reply.

Okay, so I thought that she was busy or something and couldn't answer because of that, so I waited for an hour and called her. She answered and said that she had been sleeping till I called her. I asked her when she could come to MSN (my phone bill was a bit too high, and I wouldn't have been able to talk for long over the phone) and told her that I'd be with some friends later tonight.

It would be fair, in my opinion, that I could go out with friends whenever I wanted if she rather spends time sleeping than talking to me. But obviously I was wrong as she went all out on me for 'abandoning her again' and 'not caring about her the most'. I told her that I could talk to her for like three hours if she came to MSN but no, it was apparently not the same as talking to her for three hours in the evening.

She hangs up on me and I'm still like 'what the fuck' because apparently I'm not allowed to have other social life besides her while she can do anything she wants. So my question is, what should I do about this? Apologize and keep going on with the relationship in the same manner? (This would mean skipping the friends part tonight.) Or should I talk to her about this face to face and explain how I feel about this? (Risk of making her more angry, etc.)

Meh. :/
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Get rid of her. She is being an immature spoiled little bitch of a hypocrite. If you let her do what she wants while not allowing you a social life, she will think it is okay and make a habit out of it. Talk to her to her face, and tell her that it needs to stop or she is history.
 
TrainerSJ, I'd really love to know what you'd think of me in a relationship. Genuinely.

how's it going now Echo?
 
Agreeing with akuchi on the "asserting your masculinity" point. When two people both acknowledge there really are no predetermined "roles" in a relationship, things can start going somewhere. Whether that means you feel like breaking up or feel like staying together doesn't really matter, the point is that less superficial shit is getting in the way of you two making an inevitable decision.

...

TrainerSJ said:
Probably won't care for my perspective but RAAAAAAAAAAGH
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Janenmori said:
Get rid of her. She is being an immature spoiled little bitch of a hypocrite.
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I stopped reading your post after that sentence. How about you take a look at your definition of immature. My definition of immature is pretty much summarized in your post.

akuchi said:
how's it going now Echo?
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I seriously don't know. I went to her place today for the the first time this week. We were kissing and talking on her bed and she suddenly fell all quiet. So I'm like 'what's wrong, you can talk to me, etc. etc.' and nothing. We stop talking/kissing for a while after which she says she missed me. I really wanted to ask 'how is that relevant to why you mute yourself'.

She hasn't said anything about our conversation about her 'bossing around'. Yet, last night she got angry at me for leaving too early for bed, which means she hasn't changed her way of treating me. I asked her why she's being angry because of such a minor reason and the answer was that she doesn't know. Neither did she care to elaborate on the subject, so I was all question marks again.

Basically, the conversation we had was useless as shit and the situation remains the same.
 
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