Today's my asshole brother's birthday.

Automaton

Yep, today he turns 33. I honestly never thought I'd see this day.

Unfortunately I have no intention of calling him and giving him best wishes/condolences etc because I already know how the conversation would turn out:

Me: "Sup Paul, I, uhh... Called to say Happy Birthday mang."

Him: "Oh hey, Phillip! I missed you bro..." (Choose one of the following)
  • "You need to get your shit together and find a woman!"
  • "Hey can you send me all your Magic Cards?"
  • *drunk rant*
  • "The holy spirit told me you're losing your faith! *speaking in tongues* Ali Yalla Adalla Yolla Yalla Derka Derka Allah Derka Mohammad Jihad Bakalaka Derka Derka!"
  • *bong sounds*
  • "My family's so happy now that we got the kids smoking weed with us!"
Maybe I'm just pessimistic, but I've known the man for nearly three decades now, and he's only changed for the worse.

The point for this thread, I guess, is to ponder the question: What's the generally accepted method of dealing with family members with which you have a negative history?
 
treat him the way you expect to be treated is the most opportune, optimistic response.

alternatively, don't call him.
 
calling him to wish him a happy birthday isn't too stressful. even if it's the worse conversation ever it's only gonna last like a few minutes. just because he's a douche doesn't mean you have to be. good luck!
 
Surely a text message would suffice should you choose not to phone him?
At least then you can claim to have acknowledged it, even if quite coldly.
 
Im with vidd. A Simple Text Message should suffice.
IMO, a text message lacks tone, so there is a lot lower chance of drama.
 
If you still care about him then call him. If not, then call him and tell him why. Either way, it doesn't sound like he knows for sure.
 
Texting is probably your best bet. Not calling him could result in a retaliation by him asking you why you didn't call, forcing this situation to be even worse.
 
Kongler said:
calling him to wish him a happy birthday isn't too stressful. even if it's the worse conversation ever it's only gonna last like a few minutes. just because he's a douche doesn't mean you have to be. good luck!
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Ditto. You don't have to carry the convo on too long either.
 
Well, considering how you even labelled him as an "asshole", you prolly dislike/hate him. I can relate, since I have an older brother whom I really... don't like.

How I would deal with this scenario, would be to just ignore the bitch and not call at all. I mean, why try to make someone you wish were away (read: DEAD) feel good, right?

But anyway, if you don't really hate him that much, and the "asshole" thing is just for the laughs, then the text idea is good. "hb, bro" or something like that is okay. Nothing awkward or "special" about the moment, and you can go on with your life.
 
I don't hate him, I called him an asshole cuz he's an asshole, obviously. :p

Thing is, I know he dislikes me, and part of the conundrum above was the fact that my calling him might actually add stress to his "special day" from having to hear from me.

I also can't text message him as I'm a hermit by nature and don't own a cell phone and he probably doesn't either. (logic here being, when I'm not at home, that's exactly when I don't want phone calls. Yeah, I'm weird.)
 
This is what PMs are for guys, saying "what's up [thingy] I'm [old veteran]" and just posting one sentence in a thread totally not related to you has been overdone by CERTAIN people already (coughcodyanddishwashercough).

send him a good old fashioned card in the post
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We actually still send snail mail birthday cards, they're so much more personal!
 
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