which charlie and the chocolate factory kid are you?

Sijih

game show genius
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of the 4 bad ones. you're not allowed to call yourself a charlie bucket.

in case you didn't watch the movie (which you really should) i'll provide a quick overview which was largely copy-pasted from wikipedia. all the info relates to the book because its the original, or the 2005 movie cause it's the best.

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Augustus Gloop is an obese, greedy, gluttonous 9-year-old boy. While drinking from the Chocolate Room's Chocolate River, he accidentally falls into the river and is drawn through a pipe to the factory's Fudge Room. In the book, he is depicted leaving the factory extremely underweight from being squeezed in the pipe.

(i thought that exercising was the key but I guess i'll look for pneumatic tubing)

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Mike Teavee is a 9-year-old boy who does nothing but watch television and play violent video games. He sends himself into a TV, comes out really small, then gets stretched out again by a Taffy-Puller. When Mike and his father are later seen leaving the factory, Mike is 10 ft (3 m) tall, as well as incredibly thin and flat.

(angry 9 year old who plays shooters? sounds like he's been my teammate in a few FPS matches)

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Veruca Salt is a greedy, demanding, spoiled brat with incredibly wealthy parents. When she interferes with the trained squirrels used by Willy Wonka to select the best nuts to bake into chocolate bars, she is judged as a "bad nut" by the squirrels and discarded into the adjacent garbage chute and her dad, being with her, follows suit. Both are later seen leaving the factory covered in garbage.

(imagine being a billionaire and not already having trained squirrels. those would be the first thing I would buy if I were rich)

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Violet Beauregarde is a skillful, self-centered, rude, and chewing gum-obsessed girl. She chews a piece of experimental gum, but when she reaches the dessert, blueberry pie, her skin starts turning a somewhat indigo color and her body begins to swell up, filling with blueberry juice. She is last seen leaving the factory with the other children, restored to her normal size and becomes more flexible, but her indigo skin remains.

(i would have a witty joke but i don't know enough about bubble gum)

if you want to know more read the worryingly comprehensive wikipedia article



anyways, I would definitely be augustus gloop. i'm a big fan of eating all the time - during work, in public transport, while im on jury duty, etc. - and my first thought when he fell into the chocolate river was "can you blame him?"
 
Where is Grandpa Joe?
  • Stuck in bed all day
  • Cabbage soup every day
  • Encouraging my grandson to steal from the literal creepy stranger who repeatedly offers him candy
  • Fake injuries to avoid working until I am offered free chocolate
  • Willing to sacrifice my grandson for free chocolate as I watch several children be left to ambiguous fates in life-threatening situations.
 
As soon as it was mentioned to me, I can't think of this story without completely refocusing how I interpret it based on one detail.

This is a story about a wealthy businessman with a comfortable retirement fund handing off a clearly dangerous factory to some clueless kids...set right about the time when workplace safety laws were starting to be implemented. Just a small while after Charlie inherits the factory, the OSHA complaints will start piling in.
 
As soon as it was mentioned to me, I can't think of this story without completely refocusing how I interpret it based on one detail.

This is a story about a wealthy businessman with a comfortable retirement fund handing off a clearly dangerous factory to some clueless kids...set right about the time when workplace safety laws were starting to be implemented. Just a small while after Charlie inherits the factory, the OSHA complaints will start piling in.
Have you heard of the theory stating that Snowpiercer is the sqeuel to Willy Wonka?
 
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