Proposing something for issue 34.
In short: a five-step guide to conquering the Pokémon world, fueled by the observation that none of the "evil teams" are particularly evil or capable. Which isn't exactly an original notion, but whatever. Blackly comedic tone.
Outline:
Introduction spiel: "seriously, these guys suck" "also, the Pokémon world is ripe for the conquering" "like, nobody has locks or anything, man"
Step 1: Evil, Not Dumb - seriously, why is Team Crépes stealing Pokémon and beating them with tire irons? all the NPCs have shitty individuals of shitty species with shitty movesets. Also, you can get horribly broken Pokémon Amie bonuses by dumping a box of Krispy Kreme donuts down your Pokémon's throat, so, seriously, the beatings are counterintuitive. This is about basic logistics - produce the Pokémon that'll form your army's backbone by having them bred on an industrial scale. Select valuable, versatile species - breed Scyther, attach Metal Coat, get Scizor; they're quick to produce and very dangerous - and keep only the best of the best. Sell the rejects that might still have some value to trainers and process the rest for materials, etc. Grunts are unreliable, but necessary; send them out with top-quality Pokémon to minimize their chances to suck.
Step 2: Plan It Out - once you've got the logistic backbone in place, you need to know how you're going to conquer the world; figure out what your targets are and how they're going to increase your power. Go for the intersection of "attainable" and "valuable" - that means that CONQUERING A CAVE IN THE BOTTOM OF A WELL really isn't much of a victory. Take over things what help you take over other things. Also, no fucking legendaries. They're a terrible use of resources; you spend a ton of money to obtain the one extant Groudon, but you can mass-produce Garchomp. You can have a fucking Garchomp squadron. You can send a wing of Garchomp in with every grunt. Even if you manage to control the ancient, primal murder lizard you summon and it doesn't just kinda stand there and wait for someone to hurl Dusk Balls at it, it's not nearly powerful enough to justify the expense. Opportunity cost!
Step 3: Cheat - you're the bad guys, remember? so don't play nice - there's exactly no reason for your grunts to come in with no more than six Pokémon, send them out one at a time in a regulation Pokémon battle, and then fork over the winnings when they're defeated. You're being less of a bastard to your Pokémon because they'll dodge random attacks and score criticals all the time if you do; you're also raising them from birth, so you really don't need to instill a sense of fair play in them. If your underlings need to battle, they should be playing to win! Send out a mob. Just take a big bag full of Pokémon and dump it out and point at the target, man.
Step 4: Diversify - the muggings-and-bank-robbings part of your organization is always going to be sketchy, but you really don't need to be mustache-twirling when you're talking about things like the aforementioned Pokémon farm; regular corporate evil is probably a better bet. The not-actually-criminal parts of your plan should be carried out by not-actually-criminal corporations with public faces that don't look like they've ever actually eaten a baby.
Step 5: Murder Children - seriously, if you run into a 10-14 year old kid more than once during an operation, bring someone with one of the aforementioned Garchomp wings out to eat their level 24 Ivysaur. Then, once their Pokemon are out of the way, pull out a pistol and blow their brains out. Kids are bad news, man. Going all Herod is going to stretch your resources too thin, but if you run into the same kid more than once go for center mass.
In short: a five-step guide to conquering the Pokémon world, fueled by the observation that none of the "evil teams" are particularly evil or capable. Which isn't exactly an original notion, but whatever. Blackly comedic tone.
Outline:
Introduction spiel: "seriously, these guys suck" "also, the Pokémon world is ripe for the conquering" "like, nobody has locks or anything, man"
Step 1: Evil, Not Dumb - seriously, why is Team Crépes stealing Pokémon and beating them with tire irons? all the NPCs have shitty individuals of shitty species with shitty movesets. Also, you can get horribly broken Pokémon Amie bonuses by dumping a box of Krispy Kreme donuts down your Pokémon's throat, so, seriously, the beatings are counterintuitive. This is about basic logistics - produce the Pokémon that'll form your army's backbone by having them bred on an industrial scale. Select valuable, versatile species - breed Scyther, attach Metal Coat, get Scizor; they're quick to produce and very dangerous - and keep only the best of the best. Sell the rejects that might still have some value to trainers and process the rest for materials, etc. Grunts are unreliable, but necessary; send them out with top-quality Pokémon to minimize their chances to suck.
Step 2: Plan It Out - once you've got the logistic backbone in place, you need to know how you're going to conquer the world; figure out what your targets are and how they're going to increase your power. Go for the intersection of "attainable" and "valuable" - that means that CONQUERING A CAVE IN THE BOTTOM OF A WELL really isn't much of a victory. Take over things what help you take over other things. Also, no fucking legendaries. They're a terrible use of resources; you spend a ton of money to obtain the one extant Groudon, but you can mass-produce Garchomp. You can have a fucking Garchomp squadron. You can send a wing of Garchomp in with every grunt. Even if you manage to control the ancient, primal murder lizard you summon and it doesn't just kinda stand there and wait for someone to hurl Dusk Balls at it, it's not nearly powerful enough to justify the expense. Opportunity cost!
Step 3: Cheat - you're the bad guys, remember? so don't play nice - there's exactly no reason for your grunts to come in with no more than six Pokémon, send them out one at a time in a regulation Pokémon battle, and then fork over the winnings when they're defeated. You're being less of a bastard to your Pokémon because they'll dodge random attacks and score criticals all the time if you do; you're also raising them from birth, so you really don't need to instill a sense of fair play in them. If your underlings need to battle, they should be playing to win! Send out a mob. Just take a big bag full of Pokémon and dump it out and point at the target, man.
Step 4: Diversify - the muggings-and-bank-robbings part of your organization is always going to be sketchy, but you really don't need to be mustache-twirling when you're talking about things like the aforementioned Pokémon farm; regular corporate evil is probably a better bet. The not-actually-criminal parts of your plan should be carried out by not-actually-criminal corporations with public faces that don't look like they've ever actually eaten a baby.
Step 5: Murder Children - seriously, if you run into a 10-14 year old kid more than once during an operation, bring someone with one of the aforementioned Garchomp wings out to eat their level 24 Ivysaur. Then, once their Pokemon are out of the way, pull out a pistol and blow their brains out. Kids are bad news, man. Going all Herod is going to stretch your resources too thin, but if you run into the same kid more than once go for center mass.
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