America has a problem.
#1: THE PROBLEM
These guys right here are supposed to be studying for a better future(or going to war).
But instead, they're doing this in their formative years.
Right there! That is the issue. Instead of using our brains for learning, like we evolved to use them for, these Neanderthalian jocks are shoving each other around in a vain hope to make it big. Into the National Football League.
Now, I must admit, I am not the most fervent watcher of "tackleball" (no it is not football, where do they use their feet outside of the kicker and punter). But I enjoy it from time to time. I simply cannot stand these next Albert Einsteins turning their brains into mush for meagre salaries. Now, I say this as a sports fan, snorting coke and riding a motorcycle out of a helicopter is the GOAT. But these college kids aren't allowed to do that.
So, I propose a new sport. Instead of college football, let's create: knowledge football.
#2: KNOWLEDGE FOOTBALL RULES
Firstly, let's delve into the basic rules of Knowledge Football.
KNOWLEDGE FOOTBALL RULES! IMPORTANT!
1b. Okay well listen. A pass is when you throw the
1c. Let me start over
1c-a. The quarterback is not allowed to do a motion to the, uh, center, that prohibits the center from doing, you know, just trying to snap the ball. You can't do that.
1c-b. Once the quarterback is in the huddle, he can't be over here and say to the defensive lineman, like, "I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna get a higher GPA than you! You better watch your butt!" and then just be like he didn't even do that.
1c-b(1). Like, if you're about to pass and then don't pass, you have to still pass. You cannot not pass. Does that make any sense?
1c-b(2). You gotta be, passing motion of the ball, and then, until you just throw it.
1c-b(2)-a. Okay, well, you can have the ball up here, like this, but then there's the intentional grounding penalty you gotta think about.
1c-b(2)-b. Joe Pass hasn't recorded any songs in forever. I hope he wasn't thrown back into jail after his prior history.
1c-b(2)-b(i). Oh wait, he was given an award too! That would be even better.
1c-b(2)-b(ii). [THIS SPACE FOR RENT]
1c-b(3). Okay seriously though. A pass is when the quarterback makes a movement that, as determined by, when you do a move involving the ball and field of
2. Do not do a pass please
Now, those were the basic rules regarding knowledge football. Might be a little confusing. Let's break it down.
#3: TERMS AND CONDITIONS
A pass is defined as getting any grade above an A- (or a 92% minimum grade). If you do not complete this, you are ineligible to play knowledge football.
In Knowledge Football, fights are a thing of the past. Instead of fighting, the players just wonder about philosophy and whatnot. On that note, you ever get so pissed off that you just straight up eat lunch?
Anyways, the players read books on the bench. They do not "pass" the "ball". They do not "tackle". It's Knowledge, not Violence. For example, I just happened upon a gang of youths who were spraying graffiti on a local establishment. i asked them, “why do you vandalize? what animates you?” after a long pause, one said, “out-of-control deficit spending.” I call upon our elected leaders to balance the federal budget – now. And Knowledge lets you do that.
#4: THE END
this post is dedicated to the best sportswriter of the modern age: see here for references.
#1: THE PROBLEM
These guys right here are supposed to be studying for a better future
But instead, they're doing this in their formative years.
Right there! That is the issue. Instead of using our brains for learning, like we evolved to use them for, these Neanderthalian jocks are shoving each other around in a vain hope to make it big. Into the National Football League.
Now, I must admit, I am not the most fervent watcher of "tackleball" (no it is not football, where do they use their feet outside of the kicker and punter). But I enjoy it from time to time. I simply cannot stand these next Albert Einsteins turning their brains into mush for meagre salaries. Now, I say this as a sports fan, snorting coke and riding a motorcycle out of a helicopter is the GOAT. But these college kids aren't allowed to do that.
So, I propose a new sport. Instead of college football, let's create: knowledge football.
#2: KNOWLEDGE FOOTBALL RULES
Firstly, let's delve into the basic rules of Knowledge Football.
KNOWLEDGE FOOTBALL RULES! IMPORTANT!
- You can't just be up there and just doin' a pass like that.
1b. Okay well listen. A pass is when you throw the
1c. Let me start over
1c-a. The quarterback is not allowed to do a motion to the, uh, center, that prohibits the center from doing, you know, just trying to snap the ball. You can't do that.
1c-b. Once the quarterback is in the huddle, he can't be over here and say to the defensive lineman, like, "I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna get a higher GPA than you! You better watch your butt!" and then just be like he didn't even do that.
1c-b(1). Like, if you're about to pass and then don't pass, you have to still pass. You cannot not pass. Does that make any sense?
1c-b(2). You gotta be, passing motion of the ball, and then, until you just throw it.
1c-b(2)-a. Okay, well, you can have the ball up here, like this, but then there's the intentional grounding penalty you gotta think about.
1c-b(2)-b. Joe Pass hasn't recorded any songs in forever. I hope he wasn't thrown back into jail after his prior history.
1c-b(2)-b(i). Oh wait, he was given an award too! That would be even better.
1c-b(2)-b(ii). [THIS SPACE FOR RENT]
1c-b(3). Okay seriously though. A pass is when the quarterback makes a movement that, as determined by, when you do a move involving the ball and field of
2. Do not do a pass please
Now, those were the basic rules regarding knowledge football. Might be a little confusing. Let's break it down.
#3: TERMS AND CONDITIONS
A pass is defined as getting any grade above an A- (or a 92% minimum grade). If you do not complete this, you are ineligible to play knowledge football.
In Knowledge Football, fights are a thing of the past. Instead of fighting, the players just wonder about philosophy and whatnot. On that note, you ever get so pissed off that you just straight up eat lunch?
Anyways, the players read books on the bench. They do not "pass" the "ball". They do not "tackle". It's Knowledge, not Violence. For example, I just happened upon a gang of youths who were spraying graffiti on a local establishment. i asked them, “why do you vandalize? what animates you?” after a long pause, one said, “out-of-control deficit spending.” I call upon our elected leaders to balance the federal budget – now. And Knowledge lets you do that.
#4: THE END
this post is dedicated to the best sportswriter of the modern age: see here for references.
