Smogon Conspiracy Theories: PART DEUX

By Mack the Knife and skylight. Art by chameleonskyes.
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Welcome back to another round of Smogon Conspiracies. After other brave writers leaked information on Smogdoom and Smogon and Game Freak's business deal, you may think all of Smogon's darkest secrets have been revealed. We're sad to say that Smogon has many, many more dark secrets that have yet to be revealed. Unfortunately, Jukain isn't able to join, since he's too busy trying to find (censored). Thankfully, fellow truth seeker skylight has been able to fill his place. Now, let's get into Smogon's dark and disgusting secrets.


Why RODAN Really Got Badged

You might've noticed that during Issue #30, RODAN was badged. Take a moment for these words to settle in; yes, RODAN is actually badged. While this might be horrifying, the actual reason behind this is even more horrifying. I, skylight, have gotten to the bottom of this (mainly while writing about beards with the man). It's time for RODAN to be finally be unmasked.

The truth is RODAN isn't even real. He is simply... an old photo of chaos (ever wonder why their beards look so similar? yeah.) with cookie as the puppet-master behind everything RODAN does. cookie wanted to look like he had enough of a "team" to help him with the social forums so that he can obtain the Super Moderator position. THIS is why RODAN was coincidentally awarded a badge just before cookie became a Super Moderator. Oh, and there's the little matter of alt accounts...

You see, cookie played RODAN so well that he convinced even himself that RODAN was a real human being. Not only did cookie convince himself of this, but he convinced the entire community that a user could be as terrible as RODAN.

Now you might be wondering "but why did RODAN, I mean, cookie, write an article on how to survive on Smogon badgeless if he was going to get one just before release anyway?" This is because the senior staff lurk Article Approvals, looking for people with potential to be more than just writers (in other words, their slaves). cookie knew that if he submitted that article, it didn't even need to go through. It just needed to show that RODAN was ready for a badge, and that his plan could be put into motion.

You might also wonder what RODAN's bffl (badass freaking flamboyant lover), shade, thought of this when he found out the truth. At first, he dug out the screenshots of his old avatar and started weeping. Apparently, the thing that affected him the most was that the beautiful beard belonged to chaos, and not RODAN. With nothing else left in this world for shade, he supported bringing back Firebot, and chaos was brought into the community once more.

Firebot's Demise and Resurrection

As you may have seen, both Firebot and Congregation of the Masses were recently resurrected after a two year hiatus. Many of the 2011 users would like for the public to believe that Firebot was taken down for a legitimate reason, and that Firebot was only full of bad posts. This isn't true. We were there, at the time Firebot was taken down, quietly waiting for this moment: the moment where Firebot would make a grand return, and we could tell our readers what really happened that day. It is true that Firebot was originally going to be taken down for terrible posting in the forum.


What you didn't know is that Firebot used to attract both wanted and unwanted attention. Behind the scenes it became a seedy dating forum, where porn was plentiful, and where dongers were raised. When chaos came back, he saw the potential in the forum, and figured it could appeal to the masses. At this time, chaos didn't make himself very known to the community. He hid behind the scenes and watched on as Firebot progressed from a troll forum with bad posts into the top Pokémon dating site. None of this was known to the general public, but badgeholders had access to other threads in there at the time which could provide them with the services they needed. chaos slowly tried to get attention from those outside the "Pokémon circle" (referring to the 20 year olds that resort to Pokémon websites to get a girlfriend and inflate their ego). This didn't work out unfortunately, as many women from other websites were not interested in what Smogon had to offer aesthetically. This got progressively worse, as even chaos started posting seductive photos of his great beard to attract women (and increase traffic) but that didn't really help, and just made everyone feel awkward.

Those leading Firebot at the time knew that the forum was only going to go under and that chaos's secret identity as the masked bearded man would be revealed. Their only solution was to shut the forum down, never to be revived.

As we know, this all changed when Firebot had enough support to return. Only time will tell if it'll reclaim its former premier Pokémon dating site glory, or if it will become chaos's personal advertising tool (in more than one way) once more.

Subliminal Messaging in Articles

The Smog has been running for 30 Issues now, informing the players about multiple ways of battling and bringing happiness to the world. However, that's what they want you to think. All this time Smogon has been using The Smog to implant messages into people's minds via subliminal messaging. *OBEY* It is currently unknown what they are planning on doing with this heinous mechanism, but we have some ideas. Here are some snippets of conversations from The Smog Staff Members that we managed to spy overhear on pure luck.


After we have their minds, nothing can stop us from achieving our ultimate goal.


After our plan succeeds, which it surely will, my art will hang in museums throughout all the globe.


After this, I can make them all forgot that Zystral* even existed.


Finally, I shall take my throne as God of the internet.

Former The Smog moderators sandshrewz and jumpluff claim that they were against the idea the whole time, which is why they ended up "retiring". Many of our fellow conspirators have theorized that they're using it as an attempt to take control of all forms of Pokémon on the internet. Others have said their goal is the more maniacal task of taking over the internet itself. I, however, have discovered a third possibility: to take over the world! The Smog Staff members are currently waiting for someone of great importance, say the king of Sweden, to miss click somehow on The Smog and be hypnotized. It's already happened to some minor American politicians, which led to the Government Shutdown. Our only hope is that nobody more important ends up reading The Smog!

Liepard Finally Being Suspected?

You don't have to be a NU player to hate Liepard, because pretty much everyone in every BW tier has felt the wrath of Liepard at one point in their competitive lives. Ever since Liepard started terrorizing competitive play with its Swagger (and recently Assist) sets, there have been calls for it to be suspected to no avail. This changed when FLCL made AssistCat a popular strategy in NU. He didn't create it, but he did make it a huge talking point. With Assist, Liepard could suddenly destroy the NU metagame with little effort. This sparked a huge reaction in the NU community, leading to its suspect. Or so you think.

While it is true that Assist Liepard was a major reason why Liepard was suspected, things are a little different to what they seem. Raseri, desperately trying to be relevant in an upcoming XY metagame, concocted a plan with FLCL. Other irrelevant tier leaders didn't have this issue as they had other plans to make their tiers relevant, such as through chaining shinies and talking about them a lot in other tier channels in Molk's case. On the other hand, the UU tier leader—kokoloko—pretty much calmed the fuck down as he waited for UU to be huge again. Raseri didn't have these luxuries, as NU tier leader all he could do was really predict (and not very well) the amount of time NU would stay relevant for. Unfortunately, time crept up on Raseri, and you could tell everyone was just waiting patiently for October 12th. Something had to be done about this, he thought. "What would garner enough attention to save NU for a few weeks? Top 10 Titans and Battle Castle had potential but they couldn't KEEP the attention."

In a private IRC channel one night, Raseri started complaining about how he felt irrelevant, and how despite constantly wanting to ban Liepard, tennisace could come up with something better. At the time, ebeast signed on and replied "why not just ban Liepard? lol". Raseri pondered it for a few moments. He could go back on his word that he wouldn't let Liepard get banned, as neither him nor Zebraiken wanted to ban it, or he could deal with being irrelevant. Raseri couldn't take the thought of being irrelevant, so he asked FLCL to make Liepard as broken as possible, with the help of Molk.

Soon after, Liepard was put up for suspect. Raseri was pleased as Liepard itself wasn't voted to be broken, so he kept his word of not banning it. As for the irrelevancy issue, let's just say this isn't the last you'll hear of Raseri before XY NU.

Why Fatecrashers Won't Return to Smogon

For those of you who are a bit new, Fatecrashers was an important Smogon staff member who one day just disappeared. However, many of us Smog writers have noticed that Fatecrashers has been hanging around the top secret Smog channel under the alias "Magnitude." It is obvious that he is hiding, but from what exactly? After months of research, we have a theory. We suspect that it might be the infamous Smogon moderator Birkal, otherwise known as the Rotom Maniac. So, when innocent Fatecrashers made a small joke about Rotom, Birkal went berserk. Here are some entries from Birkal's journal that we managed to discover:

February 27th, 1932

Yesterday, Setsuna made a joke of my precious Rotom. He must pay for what he has done! Pay! Pay! Pay!

March 2nd, 1947

Told Fatecrashers that one must never insult Rotom. He replied to me with a snarky remark. I feel the urge to kill. Kill I say! Kill!

April 21st, 2009

Today I warned him to never come back or I'll do to him what I did to Zystral*. He may never return to Smogon and I shall murder him if he does. I've finally done it! I've gotten my long awaited revenge!

These are most obviously the writings of an utter madman, but every time we tried to question him, he always denied that it was his journal and that he'd never wanted to ever exact revenge on Fatecrashers. We tried and tried, but he would never confess. Using his great power on Smogon, he threatened to ban us all if we ever spoke of it again. (You may be wondering after hearing this information, "How did the writer manage to get this written and out in the public?" Well, keep wondering.) This is obvious proof that he did it (or maybe he's worried that he may be wrongly accused and end up in jail, but we're pretty sure he did it). After contacting Birkal's psychiatrists, we learned that is it was impossible to access his files and see whether he was insane or not. After looking for more info on why Birkal's information was so secretive, we discovered that Birkal was Rotom himself. He was simply possessing a computer that he was using to try and take over Smogon. We realized that we needed to exorcise the computer so that Smogon would be free of Birkal's grasp and Fatecrashers could safely return to Smogon. Sadly, the priest we hired turned out to be only an intern and the exorcism went horribly wrong. Now Birkal is continuing to manipulate Smogon, and Fatecrashers may never be able to return.


As you see, there are many secrets that still need to be unearthed. If you want to find out more about Smogon's deepest and darkest secrets, look out for Smogon Conspiracies 3: Electric Boogaloo.

*Apparently Zystral has returned from the dead. Actual quote: "I was murdered. But then I got better."
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