Pokérap Battles: Cats vs. Dogs

By Fuzznip and Plus. Art by Sephirona.
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Rap Battler Profiles


Representative: LL Cool Cat
Residence: chaos's bedroom
Rhyme Style: Purrfect
Side Hustle: Lolcats Administrator


Representative: Lil' Bowe. Wow.
Residence: such shiba's house.
Rhyme Style: much burn.
Side Hustle: very man's friend. wow.
So Imma be real and tell you what this is about
Who let the dogs out? It was them cats no doubt
Guess you could say that we gave them a Fake Out
Stuck three fingers up there like a boy scout
Knocked ya crew out so hard they lookin' like a Bellsprout
We're out of the pound and we got some lines to spout
And when we're done we'll serve you cats like smoked trout
Cause we're the hot dogs to your sauerkraut.

Speakin' of hot dogs we got Houndoom and Arcanine
SunnyBeamin' 'cause it's our day to shine
Burnin' Skittys like Shaymin the porcupine
Got Stoutland in our crew aged like fine wine
Sand Rushin' with the Hippo and my bro Mamoswine
And my boy Granbull reppin' the new Fairy design
Pixies won last round starting from the first line
Just like doge. such wow. you cats. no spine.
wow. many hurt. such rap. very talentful.
Man, your one and only meme is overused and pitiful
Us cats are everywhere 'cause we're nothin' but wonderful
Bitches want us banned 'cause we're damn near untouchable
Our swag is off the charts, paralyzin' hoes on an infinite interval
Foul Playing your asses makes fighting us regrettable
Listen nigga, yo bravery is actually quite commendable
But just don't be alarmed when you lose a fuckin' testicle.

My crew rocks 9 lives, y'all can't even compete
You'd best just beg to your master for a retreat
'Cause we be Fury Swiping for days without a fleet
Pyroar be pouncin' on yo Mightyenas on repeat
Kings of Pride Rock make y'all obsolete
My bro Meowstic and I be pranking as a treat
Yo, despite our sizes lookin' pretty petite
We got tricks up our sleeves for ya to admit defeat.
Yo crew needs 9 lives? We only need one
'Cause we go hardest bar none
Even if ya got 9 bars y'all are one and done
Since yo crew is a bunch of pussies son
Pussy cats that is, go bake some hot crossed buns
One a penny, two a penny, shoot you with a gun
1 down 8 to go, and we've only just begun
Still though, it's pretty clear that we've already won.

We don't care about your tricks cause we loyal
And they're still as overplayed as Lorde's Royal
Hope they serve ya boys in a Chinese restaurant broiled
I'll be eatin' my Scooby Snax with a Blissey egg Soft-Boiled
Hit us with a Double-Edge and you'll die from recoil
Catch us on the Rebound like a Colossoil
Take Down you fools like tin foil
'Cause we're as smooth as extra virgin olive oil.
Like, zoinks, man, why don't ya just let go?
You dogs are in trouble, cue the "Ruh-roe!"
Ya think you smooth, but y'all are Purugly, bro
We classy, sassy, sexy, like Monroe
Not to mention cute like my babe Litleo
Encore, encore! Y'all been putting on a great show
But careful not to make one wrong move, though
Or expect to be next on Dr. Phil's talk show.

I mean, did ya get Switcheroo'd a Lagging Tail? 'Cause you laggin' behind
Plottin' nasty thoughts is part of our grind
Hope ya got the stability and state of mind
'Cause plot 3 times and we take over mankind
Y'all just begun? Perhaps it's time to unwind
I'll let ya know we won't be as kind
As we be Sand Attackin' to make ya go blind
With our pieces of shit on yo face, hope ya like it signed.
We bustin' moves like our boy Hong Kong Phooey
One more meow and your crew's chop suey
Served with Peking ducks Huey Duey and Louie
On that Duck Tales shit with Scrooge the screwy
Speed droppin' ya cause our slobber is Gooey
Scooby Dooby, I'm rockin' it hella groovy
Gonna teach you some moves like I taught ya how to dougie
Hope you cats can swim in our heated up jacuzzi.

Spittin' fumes hotter than my boy Houndoom
While you coughin' up hairballs in the dining room
That's to be expected when ya lick yourself to groom
That shit's like saliva scented perfume
Smells so ratchet like Stun Spore Vileplume
So you can give up and start sucking our fruit of the loom
Like the high school girls who have ya as a Halloween costume
So choke on this hairball 'cause that's more than you can consume.
Damn it really is startin' to rain cats and dogs
Have fun survivin' as we land on all four paws
We're such a mystery not even Scooby can solve
You mad chicks dig us 'cause yo dick's so small?
It's either man's best friend or nothin' at all
Y'all can't even go a day alone without a bawl
Let alone take a Sucker Punch from my man Mega Absol
'Cause our feline instincts will fuck you up like a rag doll.

Yo rhymes don't hurt 'cause of my girl Espeon's Magic Bounce
Meanwhile we're preparing for the one deadly pounce
Might be worth runnin' to your pathetic dog house
Before we scratch off yo skin ounce by ounce
And tear off yo limbs with Raikou's saber-tooth mouth
Our terror is unbearable, much like Kyogre's Water Spout
So let's play a game, me the cat and you the mouse
But looks like you already lost, the people announce.

Either private message Fuzznip and Plus with your suggested match-up (anything Pokémon related!) or post it in the Issue 32 release thread!

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