Internet Relationships

[mattj]

How sure are you that you know the person you're talking here on smogon is the person they say they are? How close are you willing to let other users get to you? How close SHOULD you let other users get to you? How much information do you share? How much information SHOULD you share?

I met Terry here. Our friendship grew here. In June of '10 was completely prepared to drive to Paris Illinois, pick this kid up, and spend a weekend with him. I really felt I knew him. Maybe he really did kill his mom in self defense. Maybe he's a murderer. I don't know. But I do know I'm not going to be as careless about who I talk to, and who I get close to, and how close I get to them on this site anymore.

[edit]

also who the fuck is terry

If you don't know who Terry is see this thread. I originally posted one thread, but because it covered two subjects Firestorm (rightfully) split it.

 

[Eco]

Hah. That's a nice story.

Goes to show you need to expect the unexpected.

How sure are you that you know the person you're talking here on smogon is the person they say they are? How close are you willing to let other users get to you? How close SHOULD you let other users get to you? How much information do you share? How much information SHOULD you share?

You shouldn't, simply put. The internet is about anonymity, and you're putting yourself at risk by sharing personal information.

~Cybering 101

 

[CaptKirby]

I like that you wanted to permaban someone for possibly maligning another person, but now you want our commentary on not knowing other people. Cute.

 

[~Golden Emp]

Do you know my real name, people??

You gotta be very careful about what you do and write about when surfing the net. There was a case here in México a couple of years ago about a boy called José Martí. He was kidnapped and subsequently murdered. The thing is, that his kidnappers got to him vía Facebook. Had this boy not added unknown people, or had been a little more "reservado" in the internet, he might still be alive.

I try to not give out a lot of information when on the net, and I prefer to meet my online friends irl to continue talking with them on the internet.

 

[cookie]

how are you sure anyone you meet irl is who they say they are? granted, the internet makes things easier to hide but the same methods of getting to know a person apply

in short, you are seriously underestimating how hard it is to get involved in a community without people working out who you are

TIK is a classic example: he only remains mysterious because he doesn't get involved in smogon beyond making funny posts

 

[Zacchaeus]

How sure are you that you know the person you're talking here on smogon? How close are you willing to let other users get to you? How close SHOULD you let other users get to you? How much information do you share? How much information SHOULD you share?

This obviously applies to all of the internet and some other communication mediums, but sadly, I don't think there is a correct answer to any of those questions. It's really just a judgment call on how well you trust them and whatnot, even if a lot of people on the internet can't be trusted. But if you never trust anyone on the internet, you may miss out on some productive or meaningful relationships as well, so it's all just a matter of what you feel like disclosing or hiding, as long as you consider the risks and benefits

 

[Eraddd]

For me, I guess it all depends on how they act on the internet. Because of the anonymity of the internet, its easier for people to became complete douches and arrogant idiots (see: any MMORPG, online multiplayers, internet forums). If they're going to be idiots or arrogant online, then I'd rather not have any sort of contact with them. All my online friends whom I do have on my Facebook and MSN have passed this "anonymous douchebag" test. And it worked most of the time, when I met them in real life.

 

[Nastyjungle]

I have become very close friends with a few people online, to the point where we talk on the phone for hours on end, send gifts to each other by mail, and we all plan to meet someday when we have the money to hang out with each other. It took about 2 or 3 years for me to trust them enough to give them information like my phone number or address. I feel like it isn't very difficult to gauge how somebody is going to act in real life if you talk to them online often enough.

 

[Mountain Dewgong]

On a scale of MrE to Alison. How open are you???

 

[shin-eh MEW]

i dont share ANY INFO maybe my name but thats it i guess that i took To Catch A Preditor too serious but you cant trust nobod so yeah... o.o'

 

[Bad Ass]

I never gave out any personal information on myself on the net, besides my town and shit, until yesterday when i friended Smogon dudes on FB. I'm pretty intertwined with this place, and nobody ever knew my name/race/anything...that being said, it's fine to give out stuff on the net, just dont be a retard about it!

also who the fuck is terry

 

[Ouro]

I met one of my best friends online as pathetic as that may sound. We've been brofriends for 9 years! We talk on the phone, we complain about girls, and party together!

Hes the only person Ive ever met online but Ive got a few other friendships that also span a couple of years.

Also, one of my best friends met her boyfriend online and they've been together for almost three years now! She is really attractive too which baffles me.

HEY FISHY WANNA GO ON A DATE?!

 

[iDunno]

My uncle just married a Russian woman he met online. She's really sweet, but we'll see...

 

[Synre]

I think part of the difficulty in life is that in real life, on the internet, or in any medium man will ever create you can never really understand another person 100%... and that's both some of the danger and some of the excitement of life, no matter who you're talking to. Maybe this situation is kind of a reminder that we all should watch ourselves some, but being between VGC Nationals and Worlds right now I feel like I have to argue the other side of the coin some. I'm sure I've met well over a hundred Smogonites IRL now, almost all of which have been well-adjusted and none of whom have been particularly dangerous. I'm not advocating putting your contact info in your profile or whatever(though I imagine it's quite easy to track down those of us who've Pokemoned IRL), but people in general are pretty harmless, online or in real life, and there's just those handful of bad apples making headlines that make everyone seem like a monster. It's certainly a good practice everywhere in life to be careful about who you get close to, because the closer you get to someone the more you can be hurt, but I don't think it's a good idea to let this bad experience shut you off from people, either.

I know you mentioned

it's very common for people to have an online persona that is markedly different from their "in real life" persona.

in the other thread, and I think it's worth noting that I haven't seen this at all -- I know a lot of people I've met up with have mentioned that meeting up IRL feels very natural and like we'd all known each other IRL for a long time because people aren't very different IRL than online, but I guess I could be just in a lucky group in that regard. I've been alone with plenty of internet people, rode in several internet people's cars, roomed with several, stayed at one's house, and things were basically never even awkward, let alone dangerous.

I feel for you on this one, but I think it's important to keep in mind this is just one bizarre situation out of hundreds of good ones.

 

[pookar]

When i met up in NYC with WB morm etc. i was wary about the whole thing, because you are indeed correct about internet personas. mine is not the same as in real life as i expect most people's are.. but as we were such a large group in such a public area as NYC there was not much funny stuff that could occur.. but in your situation, it is quite different. you would be alone in a car, maybe even hotel room i am not quite sure, with this person.

To make the whole paragraph a bit shorter, id be much warier about meeting someone one on one than if there was a group involved... but i have quite a few internet relationships of varying levels obviously

 

[mattj]

@Synre: I think I may have worded that wrong. What I was trying to say is that you hear about people having one online persona, and a different irl persona often in shows like To Catch A Predator, and stuff like that. I didn't mean to imply that a majority of our users, or even a majority of users any where are all clever deviants bent on tricking people into giving them their information and taking advantage of people. I'm not at all convinced that Terry did that either. This whole situation has just thrown into question, at least in my mind, the level of openness with which I've always approached these VGC meetings, and the speed and depth with which I develop close or meaningful relationships with people on this and other sites.

To be fair, I've met I can't tell you how many smogoners, skarmblissers, and serebiians in real life too, and not a single one of them have acted suspicious or malicious. They've all been very friendly and I've made some very good close relationships that I'm very thankful for. I just guess I'm a bit confused at the moment by the shock of the whole thing and am taking a close look at the way I handle myself online and in real life. I think it would do everyone a favor to do the same every now and then.

 

[Fishy]

I am completely floored by the Terry situation. I may post more about it in the appropriate thread, but, damn.

I've definitely had my share of risk when it comes to meeting people from the internet, all people from smogon. I've flown across the world by myself to meet people, but I was never really worried that my safety was going to be compromised and that I was going to be kidnapped, or worse, being a 'girl on the internet.'

All that being said, I haven't met anyone or traveled any great distance to meet someone until years have gone by when people and I have been in contact with one another. CaptKirby was one of the first people I met in real life who was from smogon, and we didn't meet until knowing/talking to one another for a few years. I met Tangerine in the same trip, and while we talk far less often, I still didn't have any qualms about it. That may be my own naivety, or just optimism that nothing bad would happen, but that was indeed the case. We had a swell time, have seen each other since then, etc.

So much shady shit happens on the internet that people forget that 'normal' people are still surfing the web, and are talking to you via your favorite instant messaging program, hitting up your facebook, etc. I try to focus on the reality that I am as much a threat to someone as they are to me when we first become aware of one another's existence, and especially here on smogon, I don't believe that I'm talking to a bunch of secret serial killers or various other crazies that are waiting to ensnare me IRL and fuck me up. I don't see how you can enjoy an internet community or anything like one if you've got that worry in your head, though it is not foolish to consider it every once in a while! Being wary is just something that will keep you alive, but as with any first encounter with a person, I won't think poorly of them unless given a good reason to.

 

[iDunno]

Trust me the people who knew Terry irl were probably just as shocked as you were to hear what happened. Everything man does is a part of their character even if they intend for it not to be, because people can only act in ways they have the potential to act as. You cannot be somebody else on the internet, because no matter what you do you cannot escape the fact that you are who you are. Even someone who is dishonest shows the truth through the lies they make, as without truth, lies cannot exist. Accept peoples' personae as their true selves in some form and take people as they are, and no matter where you go, you'll be fine. Just be sure to know all you can about them before involving them in your life any further than the minimum.

 

[His Eminence Lord Poppington II]

i'm generally pretty open, i've flown to meet some hk'ers whom i met over the internet via games and shit.
i'm fine with giving out my name, city of residence to pretty much anyone, i'll be a little more wary about specific address but after a few conversations i doubt i'd withhold.

 

[Chill Murray]

I've seen situations where someone pretends to be someone else (in one case I'm thinking of, someone of a different gender), but in the end they get found out and either leave the community in disgrace or deal with it and try to move on.

More likely, I feel, is the person who exaggerates one part of their personality on the internet. I'd say the majority of these people are taking the part of themselves they like the most or find most attractive and putting it up for everyone to see in order to gain some sort of acceptance or to make some sort of statement about who they are as a person. As others have said in this thread, it's next to impossible to really "know" another human being, and the barriers of the internet probably impede this knowledge even more.

As for myself, I feel as though I'm pretty true-to-life when I post or say something in irc, although it's mostly the little kid or the wiseass in me speaking.

 

[Alan]

I'm pretty open about anything. I don't really have any skeletons in my closet so it's not like I need to be worried about anything. I tell some people more than others and such based on past experiences with said parties involved. Like, Joel, Ala and a couple of other people on Smogon I'm friends with on Facebook and stuff and all that. I think I have Ala's phone number too, I just can't text you anymore because apparently its $0.25 a text to Canada.

 

[alamaster]

I'm pretty open about anything. I don't really have any skeletons in my closet so it's not like I need to be worried about anything. I tell some people more than others and such based on past experiences with said parties involved. Like, Joel, Ala and a couple of other people on Smogon I'm friends with on Facebook and stuff and all that. I think I have Ala's phone number too, I just can't text you anymore because apparently its $0.25 a text to Canada.

Is it really? damn dude...I guess we'll have to stick to irc and fb or whatever...till I visit you ^_^

 

[Rocket Grunt]

I think I'm reasonably open with my information on the internet, but I only have a few friends. Sometimes I just feel uncomfortable when people get too close to me, be it online or in person. I don't know. I'm a very shy and sometimes reclusive person in general, which is something I'm working on fixing, but maybe that's the best way to be in some cases. I did do a small musical in Brooklyn last summer, which Zracknel was nice enough to come see, but aside from that I haven't done any meeting up.

 

[Xav]

There are people that you must be wary of in any environment, and the internet certainly has people whose online persona is merely a facade. While some people are not who they seem, the majority are just normal people. Some people enjoy the anomymity of the internet as it allows them to fit in where they may not be able to in real life. I, myself do not fit in at school etc and find solace in my acceptance in this community of similary minded individuals.

In regards to my sharing of information to those online, I am fine with sharing my name or a photo of myself, but would not divulge contact info/personal details to others unless I felt a sense of trust born through extend contact with the said person. I haven't met anyone from Smogon irl, but did attend the VGC style tournament in Brisbane that I am sure some others attended.

 

[Xaqwais]

I'm pretty open on the interenet, maybe a bit too much. I give my name out quite a bit, and considering when you search my first name on the internet, 3 of the first 5 entries link directly to a social networking account of mine. Despite that, I suppose I'm not that close with anyone, as I'm only friends with two people on Facebook (a few more on twitter, but that isn't too personal, I feel).

I was actually supposed to meet up with user http://www.smogon.com/forums/member.php?u=2615 this week as he was passing through town, but I was a dick and wasn't able to make it.

I used to frequent a forum with a really small user base of maybe 30 users max. A lot of us talked on AIM and were generally open about ourselves. One user (who wasn't really close to me) came out sometime after the forum mostly died and posted a long thread about how he was really sorry how he attention whore'd out a lot of people who were really nice to him. He said he lied about many things including the relationships he needed help with to his family problems. He said he was deeply sorry in his post.

Okay, explain yourself on the internet isn't what this is asking for I suppose. As for the actual topic:

That confession really made me reanalyze my workings on the internet. I feel like I'm pretty much myself on the internet, minus being silly in the way I might talk on IRC, but I felt like that is what everyone was. It took a bit to think about how people who might be really close to you might just be lying through a screen for laughs or to make themselves feel better, whatever the case.

I try and take it as a case by case basis right now, but it's obviously not easy. I'm probably more trusting than I should be so you dudes should exploit me hardcore.