First of all I want to thank anyone stupid enough to read to the end of this - your stupidity is actually a boon in this situation as the sincerity of your reaction and response will help kick myself and others into action.
First.5 of all, I want to throw out my one and only (well, one of my one and only) get out of jail free cards - I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about a year and a half ago, but i don't think i'm sick or that anything is wrong with me. I have stopped taking my medicines which are Venlofaxine, Haloperidol, and Lamotrigine about 2 weeks ago. I went to the doc today earlier at 11:40 and she said "ok, throw those others away im giving u new ones" The problem is, i forgot what they are called, but I will pick them up tomorrow so i can update with that later. So that's not a problem.
Second: I am hopelessly addicted to cigarettes for the past year and a half. My doctor says "well, it's actually ok, most schizophrenics find that nicotine helps calm their nerves and certain things that they here from other ppl" - well i know this is probably bs, but nevertheless i smoke a pack a day of Marlboro Reds, the Cowboy Killers. I have attempted and tried pretty extensively a couple variants of E-Cigs - most notable Njoy Kings Bold and a neat little recharcheable from Bedford Slims with Menthol, Coffee, and Nat. Tobacco flavorings (ordered from the internet). Also I am going to buy some Nicotine gum for the first time tomorrow to see how it helps/what happens. However I have stopped buying these (the ecigs) for whatever reason..probably bc it is just so much easier and immediately satisfying to drop by the store and buy a pack of reds. There is nothing like the immediate hit u get from smoking real cigarettes, especially hand rolled with good tobacco, and I don't have access to weed/meth/crack or anything, so I'm stuck with what ive got, which is a half bottle of jim beam, a razor blade and my face staring back at me. and like 3 marlboro NXT and an unopened pack of reds. and some guacamole. which brings me to...
3: I have a h u g e eating disorder. I am by no means classically fat - i am 5'8'', 140 lbs, however 1 yr ago i was hovering around 120 lbs, going a day or several days w/o eating while working full time in a butter factory/add to that full time in a chicken factory + max 4 hrs sleep per night. After i got out of that i had a bough of inactivity but then began working in a lumber yard that i had worked at for about 6 months before going to school/college in Arkansas (beautiful country) for wildlife, which may or may not have been the best decision because i was kicked out, and in the confusion that ensued taken to a rehab house for 6 months, which led to my eating disorder and returning to the lumber factory where i then worked for another 6 months before trying to go back to college again, this time at the college in Denton Texas where I had first gone to in 2006 majoring in *Jazz* hands, which may or may not have been right, but when i went back i was eating ok, sleeping ok, but after a week a lot of idiotic misfortunes in my mind occured and i ended up leaving to go back to my parents house, where i have been since.
4. "ridiculous you say, you are a disgrace, mentally, physically weak" ---and to that I say - Every day I go as long as possible without eating something...when i get hungry, i just smoke more cigarettes and drink more coffee until i have sped up so fast that i can't get a grasp of control on anything anymore, or maybe i am controlling too much...anyway this happens and several things make me not want to eat:
1. I don't like being around ppl, or even thinking about ppl, when i eat
I am trying to get better I promise (I'm not), and the first step my dad and doctor tell me is to take my medicine, which I believe is faulty because I believe the first step is to actually say what is on your mind and communicate soul to soul with another human being.
However, that can be kind of difficult when u can barely look another person in the face due to shame and trust/mistrusting everything they say.
Yea, so at this point, I'm just waiting until I can have another cigarette/cup of coffee to try to stave off my hunger until I get so exhausted that I simply can't think anymore, at which point i will try to sleep. And how do I spend my time doing this?
#5. By constantly browsing the Smogon Forums, occasionally participating, but 9/10h's of the time writing lenghty explanations and arguments and then deleting them out of some sense of shame or impropriety/misplacement. I have tried so hard to realize what it is to make quality posts in the OU forum, however I have given up and given 2 shits to the wind on that regard as I realize I may never be as quality a player/poster as [insert big/prominent names you all know] I don't want this to be about my "misplaced" feelings toward the forums tho...I feel there is just in general a HUGE AMOUNT OF HATRED/SARCASM/NO TOLERANCE FOR ANYTHING BUT SHITTING GOLD that takes place there, and while I love arguments, I dislike being insulted, however it is good for me, so, i will rise from the ashes.
#5.5 As u can see from the drivel that #5 resulted in, u can tell that my emotional attachement to the OU forum, and my previous attachement to the Smeargle's Studio thread, where I actually managed to mostly act decent and suppress my tendencies for buggery, may be somewhat disgusting. After reading RandomSpanishGuy thread about quitting pokemon, i would have to say, i am in a similar situation, except instead of quitting pokemon, which I absolutlely love thinking about new teams and the thrill of playing, I would replace "quitting pokemon" with "quitting eating". Thus, I would go as long as it takes until I am on the brink of death from malnutrition, in order to see what is good and what is bad.
#5.75
HOWEVER, THERE IS NO WAY I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO DO THIS
...why? first, every1 i talk to is like "no don't starve urself, thats unhealthy blahblah, don't fast for more than a day etc" and whenever I hear somebody say this kind of crap I immediately don't trust them, because I know they are wrong and I am right.
However, even though I know I'm right (and this is like my 10th use of "however"), i don't really, really know I'm right enough to do it, because i feel the willpower it takes to fast for a lenghty period of time is beyond me...and I know it's not..God has given me the ability to funciton compitently with no food whatsoever. I even feel better after I spend 3+ days w/o food....
but then always, the influence of other people wins over me and takes control and I give in to trying to make them happy. ANd it always results in frustration. Every time one of these situations occurs, I eat something to try to make the person I'm talking with happy, and it immediately results in an overwhelming sense of shame that is incredibly difficult to overcome, or hard to pull myself out of the whole that I become thrown into, or the hell that I create for all involved.
I know this may be harsh, inconsistent, or ridiculous(ly) retar ted to most all of you, but for some of you, a select one or two, this might reach out to you, and maybe..................................you could help me?
#6 I have told many of my past "problems" to other guys, and due to the sensitive nature, I felt shunned and outcast from this group of ppl that I talked to and was in close quarters with for extended time. The funny thing is, I was leading a relatively normal life i.e. going to school, getting good grades, traveling, working, going back to school, making new friends and getting involved with onschool activities such as music and communion groups, when I told people ----what
it actually was that I i i i saw in my minnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . .
and it scared them so much (it wasn't that bad, honestly)
that they, a supposedly Christian group of people, brought me to the police, so that they would interrogate me and search my room like a criminal, and spend hours being diagnosed in a hospital then taken to a legit mental ward an hour away in buttfuck Arkansas, then being taken to a more different "mental word institution house place hospital" where Me and several other ppl where place in....the GERieatric ward hahaha when we suppoed to be under "faith healing" I was, 23 at the time, and the rest of the ppl w/ me were under 50...then we were moved to the 'younger more active section' hehe, where a couple days later I was released for some reason? bc my uncle had come and said "I know of another place he can go, it's a place called Denton Freedom House, and it is for Battered Broken Men who have reached the "end of the ropes bottom of the barrel depths darkest times of hell and drugs criminal minds have yet to saw" sry for that. THat's what happens when your words that should be memorized turn into radio signals.
#7
I am fucked, legitimately. There is literally no way out. The only way is making myself vulnerable, yet again, to people I absolutely do not trust. So what can I do besides talk to them?
the answer is, i dont really, really, really want answers from most of you, and you that don't have answers will know. I know, and hope, that there is one person reading this that will realize something from it. However, that person I am thinking of has absolutley no reason for ever visiting this site and if he did, it would be a miracle.
First.5 of all, I want to throw out my one and only (well, one of my one and only) get out of jail free cards - I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about a year and a half ago, but i don't think i'm sick or that anything is wrong with me. I have stopped taking my medicines which are Venlofaxine, Haloperidol, and Lamotrigine about 2 weeks ago. I went to the doc today earlier at 11:40 and she said "ok, throw those others away im giving u new ones" The problem is, i forgot what they are called, but I will pick them up tomorrow so i can update with that later. So that's not a problem.
Second: I am hopelessly addicted to cigarettes for the past year and a half. My doctor says "well, it's actually ok, most schizophrenics find that nicotine helps calm their nerves and certain things that they here from other ppl" - well i know this is probably bs, but nevertheless i smoke a pack a day of Marlboro Reds, the Cowboy Killers. I have attempted and tried pretty extensively a couple variants of E-Cigs - most notable Njoy Kings Bold and a neat little recharcheable from Bedford Slims with Menthol, Coffee, and Nat. Tobacco flavorings (ordered from the internet). Also I am going to buy some Nicotine gum for the first time tomorrow to see how it helps/what happens. However I have stopped buying these (the ecigs) for whatever reason..probably bc it is just so much easier and immediately satisfying to drop by the store and buy a pack of reds. There is nothing like the immediate hit u get from smoking real cigarettes, especially hand rolled with good tobacco, and I don't have access to weed/meth/crack or anything, so I'm stuck with what ive got, which is a half bottle of jim beam, a razor blade and my face staring back at me. and like 3 marlboro NXT and an unopened pack of reds. and some guacamole. which brings me to...
3: I have a h u g e eating disorder. I am by no means classically fat - i am 5'8'', 140 lbs, however 1 yr ago i was hovering around 120 lbs, going a day or several days w/o eating while working full time in a butter factory/add to that full time in a chicken factory + max 4 hrs sleep per night. After i got out of that i had a bough of inactivity but then began working in a lumber yard that i had worked at for about 6 months before going to school/college in Arkansas (beautiful country) for wildlife, which may or may not have been the best decision because i was kicked out, and in the confusion that ensued taken to a rehab house for 6 months, which led to my eating disorder and returning to the lumber factory where i then worked for another 6 months before trying to go back to college again, this time at the college in Denton Texas where I had first gone to in 2006 majoring in *Jazz* hands, which may or may not have been right, but when i went back i was eating ok, sleeping ok, but after a week a lot of idiotic misfortunes in my mind occured and i ended up leaving to go back to my parents house, where i have been since.
4. "ridiculous you say, you are a disgrace, mentally, physically weak" ---and to that I say - Every day I go as long as possible without eating something...when i get hungry, i just smoke more cigarettes and drink more coffee until i have sped up so fast that i can't get a grasp of control on anything anymore, or maybe i am controlling too much...anyway this happens and several things make me not want to eat:
1. I don't like being around ppl, or even thinking about ppl, when i eat
2. I want to accomplish things, but I feel if i eat food, then I won't be able to accomplish anything
3. I have been taught (mostly by myself) to shun food, as most ppl have evil thoughts when they are trying to get you to eat, which was taught to me by fasting for a month and even going 3 days without water. Then, when I finished fasting (these things are neither here nor there really) I was in a place where the food was...simply abundant...how can u stop a starving man from eating? exhausted as i was, which is not as bad as the poorest most desperate ppl in the world so to speak, I began to gorge myself on the abundance of food and had no one to help me "transition" from nothing to building myself. This led to extreme anxiety, paranoia, and general bad thoughts and feelings about myself and my surroundings. It also happened that during this time I barely spoke to anyone, however I was constantly being preached to in a siminar/teaching setting by ~Extreme Evangelical Baptist previous Drug Addicts.
This led me to believe that my desire for food is bad, and that I should suppress it at all costs. Even now, I have a bag of chips next to me, however I am writing this instead to hold of as long as I can. As it is, I haven't eaten ~24 hours except for 1/2 of a chip to try out the guacomole my dad had made to prove a point that i was making about looking at somebody while eating to imagine that you were eating their face.
ANYWAYS 3. I have been taught (mostly by myself) to shun food, as most ppl have evil thoughts when they are trying to get you to eat, which was taught to me by fasting for a month and even going 3 days without water. Then, when I finished fasting (these things are neither here nor there really) I was in a place where the food was...simply abundant...how can u stop a starving man from eating? exhausted as i was, which is not as bad as the poorest most desperate ppl in the world so to speak, I began to gorge myself on the abundance of food and had no one to help me "transition" from nothing to building myself. This led to extreme anxiety, paranoia, and general bad thoughts and feelings about myself and my surroundings. It also happened that during this time I barely spoke to anyone, however I was constantly being preached to in a siminar/teaching setting by ~Extreme Evangelical Baptist previous Drug Addicts.
This led me to believe that my desire for food is bad, and that I should suppress it at all costs. Even now, I have a bag of chips next to me, however I am writing this instead to hold of as long as I can. As it is, I haven't eaten ~24 hours except for 1/2 of a chip to try out the guacomole my dad had made to prove a point that i was making about looking at somebody while eating to imagine that you were eating their face.
I am trying to get better I promise (I'm not), and the first step my dad and doctor tell me is to take my medicine, which I believe is faulty because I believe the first step is to actually say what is on your mind and communicate soul to soul with another human being.
However, that can be kind of difficult when u can barely look another person in the face due to shame and trust/mistrusting everything they say.
Yea, so at this point, I'm just waiting until I can have another cigarette/cup of coffee to try to stave off my hunger until I get so exhausted that I simply can't think anymore, at which point i will try to sleep. And how do I spend my time doing this?
#5. By constantly browsing the Smogon Forums, occasionally participating, but 9/10h's of the time writing lenghty explanations and arguments and then deleting them out of some sense of shame or impropriety/misplacement. I have tried so hard to realize what it is to make quality posts in the OU forum, however I have given up and given 2 shits to the wind on that regard as I realize I may never be as quality a player/poster as [insert big/prominent names you all know] I don't want this to be about my "misplaced" feelings toward the forums tho...I feel there is just in general a HUGE AMOUNT OF HATRED/SARCASM/NO TOLERANCE FOR ANYTHING BUT SHITTING GOLD that takes place there, and while I love arguments, I dislike being insulted, however it is good for me, so, i will rise from the ashes.
#5.5 As u can see from the drivel that #5 resulted in, u can tell that my emotional attachement to the OU forum, and my previous attachement to the Smeargle's Studio thread, where I actually managed to mostly act decent and suppress my tendencies for buggery, may be somewhat disgusting. After reading RandomSpanishGuy thread about quitting pokemon, i would have to say, i am in a similar situation, except instead of quitting pokemon, which I absolutlely love thinking about new teams and the thrill of playing, I would replace "quitting pokemon" with "quitting eating". Thus, I would go as long as it takes until I am on the brink of death from malnutrition, in order to see what is good and what is bad.
#5.75
HOWEVER, THERE IS NO WAY I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO DO THIS
...why? first, every1 i talk to is like "no don't starve urself, thats unhealthy blahblah, don't fast for more than a day etc" and whenever I hear somebody say this kind of crap I immediately don't trust them, because I know they are wrong and I am right.
However, even though I know I'm right (and this is like my 10th use of "however"), i don't really, really know I'm right enough to do it, because i feel the willpower it takes to fast for a lenghty period of time is beyond me...and I know it's not..God has given me the ability to funciton compitently with no food whatsoever. I even feel better after I spend 3+ days w/o food....
but then always, the influence of other people wins over me and takes control and I give in to trying to make them happy. ANd it always results in frustration. Every time one of these situations occurs, I eat something to try to make the person I'm talking with happy, and it immediately results in an overwhelming sense of shame that is incredibly difficult to overcome, or hard to pull myself out of the whole that I become thrown into, or the hell that I create for all involved.
I know this may be harsh, inconsistent, or ridiculous(ly) retar ted to most all of you, but for some of you, a select one or two, this might reach out to you, and maybe..................................you could help me?
#6 I have told many of my past "problems" to other guys, and due to the sensitive nature, I felt shunned and outcast from this group of ppl that I talked to and was in close quarters with for extended time. The funny thing is, I was leading a relatively normal life i.e. going to school, getting good grades, traveling, working, going back to school, making new friends and getting involved with onschool activities such as music and communion groups, when I told people ----what
it actually was that I i i i saw in my minnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . .
and it scared them so much (it wasn't that bad, honestly)
that they, a supposedly Christian group of people, brought me to the police, so that they would interrogate me and search my room like a criminal, and spend hours being diagnosed in a hospital then taken to a legit mental ward an hour away in buttfuck Arkansas, then being taken to a more different "mental word institution house place hospital" where Me and several other ppl where place in....the GERieatric ward hahaha when we suppoed to be under "faith healing" I was, 23 at the time, and the rest of the ppl w/ me were under 50...then we were moved to the 'younger more active section' hehe, where a couple days later I was released for some reason? bc my uncle had come and said "I know of another place he can go, it's a place called Denton Freedom House, and it is for Battered Broken Men who have reached the "end of the ropes bottom of the barrel depths darkest times of hell and drugs criminal minds have yet to saw" sry for that. THat's what happens when your words that should be memorized turn into radio signals.
#7
I am fucked, legitimately. There is literally no way out. The only way is making myself vulnerable, yet again, to people I absolutely do not trust. So what can I do besides talk to them?
the answer is, i dont really, really, really want answers from most of you, and you that don't have answers will know. I know, and hope, that there is one person reading this that will realize something from it. However, that person I am thinking of has absolutley no reason for ever visiting this site and if he did, it would be a miracle.
