Serious Someone very close to me just died

[Rugi]

My judo teacher who I've known for the majority of my life died of complications after a surgery to remove a tumour. He was 86 and I have no idea what to do.

This is the first time in my life somebody close to me has died. He always seemed really strong. Only a few weeks before the surgery he was still teaching classes and going for jogs. For him to just die like that really scares me. I feel really helpless.

I want to talk to his family but I don't know what to say. I don't want to mourn him or go to his funeral something about the thought of doing that really fucks me up. but I don't know if I can refuse.

Im really scared and anxious now. I can't eat or drink and the thought of people even closer to me dying is making me feel even worse. I feel like an asshole for not wanting to go to my teacher's funeral.

I don't want to leave my house and I've never been this scared in my whole life. I don't know how to deal with somebody important to you just dying. I don't want to talk to my dad because he's friends with the man and I wouldn't know what to say.

At this point I'm just venting out crap in my mind. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm probably not in any good mental state to be even posting online but whatever I feel sick enough that I don't care.

 

[Mr. Miner]

Damn dude, I'm extremely sorry and you have my deepest condolences man.

 

[Plaessy]

I wish you the best on overcoming this hardship. This stuff sucks.

But even so, it is important to understand that death comes to us all eventually. It's really no use to feel bad about deaths of others since it will only hinder your life more and more you let it sink in your thoughts.

But obviously yes, this is a completely normal reaction to it at first and you are allowed to vent out, it's no use either to just block it all out since it will just come back to haunt you most likely. But honestly i feel like it will be a good thing to attend the funeral for you. It probably will not come around in closing days if this is very recent, so you have time to gather up your thoughts. And the funeral itself is a more positive thing, for everybody. Sure, the funeral itself will bring up feelings, but the memorial (that is hopefully right after) is a rather fun time, much less negative thoughts of death than positive thoughts of the man itself and his life's moments.

And hey, forums is better than nothing...! I hope this will help, and as I said earlier, I wish the best for you. Take your time, no need to rush anything.

 

[GotR]

I'd go to the funeral. I suspect you're going to feel bad and/or regretful about it if you don't go in the future.

 

[Cresselia~~]

I think I can understand.

My guardian died a few years ago, and that was the first time I've ever truly cried for someone who died.
I was even closer to my guardian than my mum.
My parents didn't live in the UK with me, so my guardian pretty much took care of everything about me that's outside school.

 

[Soul Fly]

Happened when my granddad passed away when I was more of a kid. He was literally my favourite person in the world. I cannot know what exactly you are going through but from my own limited experience what fucks you up isn't the loss itself but more the fear that comes with it. What if it's your parents next, or even for that matter you. Suddenly the world seems 20 shades random and crueler (which it is, let no one tell you otherwise), and everything that much more chaotic. All that you hold dear is suddenly so. so fragile.

The omnipresence of death is very haunting, and if you hopefully feel brave enough you should try facing that huge burden instead of pushing it under the carpet. It'll only hurt you more that way. Your judo teacher probably wouldn't want to be responsible for that hurt. Grieving is important to come to terms with the cruelty of death. It needn't be negative, but to be treated as a fundamental part of reality giving you some valuable perspective.

I also recalled this video I watched sometime last year. I found it rather comforting. You might to...

Good luck.

 

[Mekkah]

I'm sorry for your loss. You should know that other people close to him will have a lot of the same feelings you do. A lot of them might also not know what to say, and that's okay. Just being there together can mean a lot to everyone who has known your teacher.

 

[Pilo]

Very sorry for your loss. As scary as the thought to attending his funeral might be I think it would be nice to get a bit of closure, from the sound of it I'm sure he'd be happy if he knew you were going and I'm sure his family would be happy as well. Hope things turn out alright.

 

[Felis]

So I've lost a lot of people. And I haven't been able to go to all of their funerals because I've been living far away from my family. But the one funeral I've been able to go to since I've been away provided a lot of closure.

I know how hard it can be to lose someone you love or that you're close to. I know what it's like to fear losing someone, whether it's yourself, your Dad, or even a beloved pet.

Death is as much a part of life as life itself is. It's never easy to deal with, it's not meant to be. So don't get down on yourself for having a hard time with what's going on. Don't beat up on yourself for not wanting or being able to talk with those involved in this situation.

All I can say is this:
There's a significant difference in what happens here based on how you end up deciding to handle things:
I've been struggling all my life because of my Mom's death when I was little, and it's because I never faced up to her death. I was ignoring everything that was going on because it was so hard to deal with it. And I know if I had decided not to go to her funeral, I would regret it to this day. Going to your instructor's funeral will provide much needed closure. It will be hard as heck to do and cope while you're there, but there's something to be said about not grieving alone. It helps so, so, so much it's unbelievable. Chances are the other people that are suffering from your Instructor's death could use another shoulder to cry on.
At the same time... Don't pressure yourself into doing anything. You alone decide what you can and cannot handle.
But I do know that if you face up to this, and talk with people, and go to the funeral, you're going to feel a hell of a lot better than you do now. It doesn't mean you won't miss him, but it does mean you won't be alone.

By the way, coming onto a forum to "talk" about this is far better than doing nothing.

I hope things get better for you, and if you need to talk, please feel free to pm me. Good luck.