THE EXTRAVAGANT BATTLE THREAD

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itt post theoretical battle scenarios, then describe in detail how you think they would turn out

like asb but with anything

Battle #1: Guns versus Monster Trucks

v


here's how it would happen:

First, the gun would try to shoot out the monster truck tires, but to no avail. The truck would respond by devouring a few smaller cars before wildly whirling around to face its faceless foe, Gun. It revs its engine in neutral, menacingly. Gun squeezes gently on its trigger, preparing for impact. Monster Truck lets loose with wild abandon, soaring forth with a mighty roar, tearing the ground under its titanic wheels asunder. Gun steels itself. It has one shot, and only one shot. It takes it.

BANG.

Glass shatters, blood splatters.

All hail the new god of war,

gun.

 
the soviet union vs the usa

well, the states might have a lot of nukes but the soviets have the advantage of mostly not being fat. also they invade armed with hammers and sickles against the american's remote controls. i think the ussr wins it.





sorry...
 
the soviet union vs the usa

well, the states might have a lot of nukes but the soviets have the advantage of mostly not being fat. also they invade armed with hammers and sickles against the american's remote controls. i think the ussr wins it.





sorry...
I feel I must disagree. If the Russians invaded the US could easily cut off its supply of Vodka by preventing any Russian ships from sailing over. Without Vodka, the Russian troops would all fall in time
 
I feel I must disagree. If the Russians invaded the US could easily cut off its supply of Vodka by preventing any Russian ships from sailing over. Without Vodka, the Russian troops would all fall in time
Yeah, US would definitely have an advantage in naval combat, they're more buoyant
 
A CIA Agent (001) is walking up to an embassy of the USSR carrying a briefcase, while a nearby CIA Agent (002) keeps a lookout with binoculars in a nearby van. Behind CIA 001, a Russian KGB Agent (001) shadows him as they walk into the Embassy. Inside, CIA 001 is making a business transaction with KGB 002, a double agent who sells off a roll of camera film for the briefcase full of US currency. With their business done, CIA 001 offers KGB 002 a cigar to which he happily obliges. CIA 001 smirks as KGB 002 takes his last puff and the cigar explodes, blowing off KGB 002's face. CIA 001 slips the film into his vest pocket, grabs the briefcase and leaves the office. In the lobby of the embassy, two KGB Agents (003 and 004) are shooting a film with a camera, while a nearby CIA Agent (003) sits around listlessly with his briefcase. KGB 003 turns to face CIA 001 with the camera and shoots him at point-blank range. Seeing this, CIA 003 immediately stands up and shoots KGB 003 with his suitcase. As KGB 003 falls down dead, KGB 004 pulls out her silenced Skorpion sub-machine gun and fires at CIA 003, shooting him in the back and killing him as he dives behind cover. KGB 004 kneels down to the deceased CIA 001 and steals the camera film as CIA Agents 004 and 005 storm the lobby with silenced MAC 10 submachine guns. KGB 004 gets to an elevator and fires out from cover, impeding the CIA agents' pursuit as the elevator doors close. Inside the elevator, KGB 004 inspects the film and puts it into a Dead Drop Spike. The elevator doors open and KGB 004 comes face-to-face with KGB 001 with both their guns raised at each other. Recognizing each other, the agents lower their weapons and go leave as KGB 004 gives 001 the Dead Drop Spike. Outside the embassy, KGB Agent 005 awaits his fellow agents, unaware that he is being watched by CIA 002 from across the street. Back inside the embassy, KGB 001 and 004 are making their way through a kitchen when CIA 004 and 005 catch up to them. The CIA agents open fire, wounding KGB 001 as KGB 004 fires back, shoving the wounded 001 agent out of the crossfire. CIA 004 and 005 dive for cover down behind the counter and move their way up with 005 pushing a serving dolly in front of her. As 005 nears the end of the counter, KGB 004 runs up and gets behind the other side of the dolly, pushing objects down on CIA 005. Both agents stand up and struggle to shoot each other, but KGB 004 gets the upper hand and kills the female CIA agent. While he is still standing, CIA 004 pops out and quickly dispatches the femme fatale with a short burst of machine gun fire. Meanwhile, the wounded KGB 001 agent makes his way upstairs, while CIA 004 pursues closely, following his bloody trail to a nearby restroom. As CIA 004 prepares to inspect a stall, KGB 001 jumps out and engages the agent, clicking his heels together and unsheathing a shoe knife. The KGB agent kicks and manhandles the CIA agent, but CIA 004 manages to retaliate by plunging the MAC into his stomach and firing, killing KGB 001. As KGB 001 slumps against the wall, CIA 004 reaches into his pockets and takes the dead drop spike. He attempts to open it, but fails to open it the correct way and is blown up. Outside, KGB 005 hears the explosion and gets out of his car, stuffing his Skorpion into his coat as he enters the embassy. Across the street, CIA 002 sees the careless agent exiting his car and leaves the safety of his van. Inside the embassy, KGB 005 sees the carnage caused by the now deceased CIA and KGB agents. With the film roll destroyed and the CIA killed in action, the KGB agent returns to his car, unaware that CIA 002 is lying in wait. As KGB 005 attempts to start his car, CIA 002 pops out from the back seat with a garrote wire and strangles the KGB agent. The agent struggles helplessly as the wire cuts into his neck, then relaxes into death and slumps against the seat. His job finished, the CIA agent exits the car, wiping his bloodied hands with a towel and adjusting his scarf as he walks away.
Winner: CIA
 
The internet vs pair of scissors.

Here's how it goes: the internet unleashes its weapons; lolcats, youtube video comments, /b/tards and of course, porn. The scissor basically thinks "meh" and uses it's weapon:

*snip*

Winner: scissors
 

Arcticblast

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The internet vs pair of scissors.

Here's how it goes: the internet unleashes its weapons; lolcats, youtube video comments, /b/tards and of course, porn. The scissor basically thinks "meh" and uses it's weapon:

*snip*

Winner: scissors
Genius.
 
Round 1 of Ninjas Versus Pirates

Pirates take out guns and shoot the ninjas.

Pirates win.

Round 2 of Pirates Versus Ninjas.


Ninjas pop out of the ground and backstab the Pirates.

Ninjas win.

Overall Result: Draw
 
Round 1 of Ninjas Versus Pirates

Pirates take out guns and shoot the ninjas.

Pirates win.

Round 2 of Pirates Versus Ninjas.


Ninjas pop out of the ground and backstab the Pirates.

Ninjas win.

Overall Result: Draw
Pirates vs. Ninjas vs. Ferrothorn

Round 1:
Pirates used BOOLITS!
They're not very effective...

Ninjas used SHURIKENS!
They're also not very effective...

Ferrothorn used POWER WHIP!
It's super effective!
Pirates fainted!


Ninjas used NUNCHUKS!
They're not very effective...

Ferrothorn used Gyro Ball!
Ninjas fainted!

Round 2: Ferrothorn used Spikes!
Spikes were scattered around the Pirates!
Pirates used RUM SPLASH!
The rum is Spiked, and the Pirates fainted from it!

Ninjas used Jutsu!
It's super effective! (but Ferrothorn is a frigging tank and keeps going)

Ferrothorn used Gravity!
The Ninjas can no longer stay in the treetops!
The Ninjas' bones were broken from the increased-gravity fall!
The Ninjas fainted!


Credit to Chou Toshio

...
Yeah, don't mess with Ferrothorn.
 

v

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if you continue to suck so help me god ill turn this thread right around
 
Let me try this out.

Mufasa vs. MEGATRON
vs.


To start things off, Megatron turns into a tank and tries to shoot Mufasa. Mufasa just laughs and eats the bullet like he eats the dreams of Scar. He then pounces at Megatron as he is turning into normal form. Megatron holds off the lion with his arm and punches him across the face, sending Mufasa flying across the Serengeti. Megatron runs there and prepares to crush Mufasa with SUPER ULTRA LASER. Mufasa roars and calls upon the lion pride to aid him. Megatron decides to call all of the hyenas to help him. A bloody battle ensues where Mufasa eats over 2500 hyenas and Megatron decimates all of the lions. Mufasa bites the leg off of Megatron, who proceeds to lose balance and topple over, crushing all of Africa and Mufasa.

Winner: MEGATRON
 

cookie

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just a hint guys, it's very easy to turn any battle into a pokemon battle so resist the temptation
 
Time to turn the Pirates versus Ninjas debate into something resembling intelligent discussion. I think I must be going crazy, but let's get this started anyway. First of all, what do these two parties have? Or rather, what kinds of weapons and strategies do they use?

For Pirates

-Guns: a major selling point. Press trigger, kill person. Very, very useful. Ninjas didn't have these, mind you.

-Cannon: You know, giant metal balls that turn humans into mush within seconds. They don't have to be balls either; variants of the cannonball included bundles of steel bars, spikes, horrid tiny spheres and anything that could cut a person. Ninjas didn't have these either.

-Numbers: Ninjas often operated in secrecy. Pirates used their sheer numbers to capture fortresses and steal treasure.

-Existence: Pirates still exist today. Ninjas only exist via Naruto. Technically, that means the pirates win. But since this is the EXTRAVAGANT BATTLE THREAD no-one cares.

For Ninjas

-Stealth: Pirates were drunken fools who wandered around shooting things. Ninjas could easily infiltrate a pirate ship and backstab the captain. They also employed a range of techniques, including disguises, hiding equipment and smoke bombs.

-Silent weapons: Ninjas often worked secretly. Toxic blowdarts could kill a person instantly, similiar to a gun. Poison gas bombs were also used. Shuriken were used to hit a target at a distance. A sword cuts through flesh like no tomorrow. All of these weapons are silent. The pirates wouldn't know what had killed them.

-Disguises: A favorite tactic of a ninja was to disguise as a harmless man or woman (normally a farmer or servant), get close to the enemy and kill them.

-Intelligence: Ninjas were smart and could create highly complicated plans, which often led to a lot of enemies being killed. Pirates were drunken morons, 'nuff said.

So who would win? Well, as I stated above, if pirates faced ninjas on a one-on-one duel, the pirates would win, as they would take out their guns and shoot the ninjas dead.

However, if the battle took place in the real world, it would be likely that the ninjas would backstab the pirates before the battle even started. This would mean that the pirates wouldn't show up, and the ninjas win by default.

In all, I say that Pirates and Ninjas are evenly matched up.

thank you for taking the time to read a noob's meaningless post
 

internet

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there are still modern version of ninjutsu around, by the way.

also, i can easily imagine that sneaking onto a ship would be rather hard without tiny one-man submarines, which ninjas obviously did not have.

pirates weren't exactly known for letting harmless people onto their ships either, as far as i know.
 

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